Wings (1990–1997): Season 2, Episode 19 - All in the Family - full transcript
HI, I'D LIKE
TO MAKE A RESERVATION
ON YOUR NEXT FLIGHT
TO PROVINCETOWN.
UH, I'M SORRY,
OUR COMPUTER'S
TIED UP RIGHT NOW.
[music playing]
85,000 POINTS AND 3 SWORDS
IN THE DRAGON'S EYE.
BEAT THAT, YOU WEENIE.
STEP ASIDE, YODA.
YOU'RE IN THE WIZARD'S GLOW.
NO. NO, NO.
I--I NEED THIS COMPUTER
FOR BUSINESS.
OK, OK. KENNY, WE GOT
AN IMPORTANT JOB TO DO.
WHAT'S THAT?
WE'VE GOT TO SNEAK INTO
ROY'S PLANE AND CUT HOLES
IN HIS AIRSICK BAGS.
COOL.
WHO ARE THOSE BOZOS?
OUR PILOTS.
NAME?
[seagulls cawing]
JOE?
(Joe)
I'M OUT IN THE HANGAR,
HELEN.
JOE, I NEED TO SEND
SOME FLOWERS.
WHERE DID YOU GET
THOSE ROSES YOU SENT ME?
UH, THE FLOWER BASKET
OUT ON CLIFF ROAD.
DO YOU HAVE
THAT NUMBER?
YEAH.
IT'S IN MY PHONE BOOK.
TOP RIGHT-HAND DRAWER.
HERE, LET ME
FIND THAT FOR YOU.
THAT NUMBER IS 9-5-6--
EXCUSE ME.
UH, WHY'D YOU RUN IN HERE
AND GRAB THAT BOOK
OUT OF MY HAND?
NO REASON.
JUST A CRAZY IMPULSE.
YOU KNOW
WHAT A MADCAP I AM.
THAT'S HUBCAP.
WHAT ARE YOU TRYIN'
TO HIDE FROM ME?
[laughing]
OH, DON'T BE RIDICULOUS.
HIDE SOMETHING?
HELEN, YOU ARE BEING
A LITTLE BIT PARANOID.
YOU HAVE ABSOLUTELY
NO REASON TO THINK
THAT I'M TRYING TO HIDE
SOMETHING FROM YOU.
MY LIFE IS AN OPEN BOOK.
[keys clinking]
NOW,
WHAT WAS THE QUESTION?
[drawer rattling]
OPEN UP THIS DAMN DRAWER.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT'S IN HERE
AND I WANNA KNOW RIGHT NOW.
HEY, HEY, HELEN,
STOP--STOP THAT.
THAT BOOK IS PRIVATE.
THERE ARE 2 KINDS OF PRIVATE,
JOE.
THERE'S THE KIND
WHERE YOU HAVE
NOTHING TO HIDE,
NOBODY CARES DIDDLYSQUAT
ABOUT THAT,
AND THEN,
THERE'S THE OTHER KIND,
THE KIND
THAT'S REALLY PRIVATE,
THE KIND
THAT MAKES YOUR FOREHEAD
BREAK OUT IN A COLD SWEAT.
I HAVE NO IDEA
WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.
THANKS.
HELEN,
HOW WOULD YOU LIKE IT
IF I WENT RIFLING
THROUGH YOUR PURSE?
I WOULDN'T MIND AT ALL,
I HAVE NOTHING TO HIDE.
ESPECIALLY FROM SOMEONE
I CARE ABOUT.
YOU TRYING TO TELL ME
YOU HAVE ABSOLUTELY
NOTHING IN THERE
YOU WOULDN'T
WANT ME TO SEE?
NO, JOE,
I HAVE NOTHING IN HERE.
WHAT, I'VE GOT,
LOOK, A BRUSH, MASCARA...
WHOOPS! GOT TO GO.
HEY, WAIT A MINUTE.
WAIT A MINUTE.
WHAT'S IN THERE?
WHAT? NOTHING, JOE.
JUST, YOU KNOW,
USUAL GIRL STUFF.
WHIPS AND CHAINS AND...
A SELECTION
OF SEXUAL DEVICES
FROM THE FAR EAST.
YOU'RE KIDDING, RIGHT?
YEAH.
YEAH.
THIS IS DISGRACEFUL.
WHAT'S THAT, ROY?
IT SAYS HERE,
"MISS NANTUCKET PICKLED
AT STATE BEAUTY PAGEANT."
I MEAN, HERE SHE IS,
A REPRESENTATIVE
OF THIS LOVELY ISLAND
AND SHE GETS DRUNK
AT THE PAGEANT.
WELL, ACTUALLY, ROY,
IT SAYS,
"MISS NANTUCKET PICKED
AT STATE BEAUTY PAGEANT,"
NOT PICKLED.
GIVE ME THAT.
OH, YOU'RE RIGHT.
THAT'S GOOD FOR HER.
HAVE YOU EVER CONSIDERED
THAT YOU MIGHT NEED GLASSES,
ROY?
GLASSES? NO WAY.
I DON'T NEED GLASSES.
UH-UH.
ROY, THE LOSS
OF PHYSICAL PROWESS
AS WE AGE
SHOULD NOT BE
A SOURCE OF SHAME,
SOMETHING TO BE HIDDEN
FROM THE PITY OF A YOUNGER,
MORE CAPABLE WORLD.
AS DYLAN ONCE SAID,
"DO NOT GO GENTLE
INTO THAT GOOD NIGHT.
"RAGE, RAGE,
FOR THE TIMES
THEY ARE A-CHANGIN'."
I THINK YOU'RE
MIXING UP BOB DYLAN
WITH DYLAN THOMAS.
NO, THAT'S RIDICULOUS.
DYLAN THOMAS WAS
THE POET LAUREATE OF WALES.
BOB DYLAN STARRED
IN GILLIGAN'S ISLAND.
NO, NO, NO,
THAT'S BOB DENVER.
NO, BOB DENVER
IS THE ONE WHO SINGS
ROCKY MOUNTAIN HIGH.
OH, RIGHT, RIGHT.
[phone ringing]
WOW, LOOK WHAT
JUST CAME IN
FROM GATE ONE.
UH!
I COULDN'T EVEN IMAGINE
TALKING TO A WOMAN LIKE THAT.
WATCH THIS.
UM, EXCUSE ME.
UH, DO I KNOW YOU?
ARE YOU A MODEL?
WHAT'S A NICE GIRL LIKE YOU
DOING IN A PLACE LIKE THIS?
WHAT'S YOUR SIGN?
DON'T YOU THINK YOU SHOULD
HAVE THAT MOLE CHECKED?
WHAT?
NAH,
I WAS JUST TRYIN' TO GET
ALL THOSE HORRIBLE CLICHES
OUT OF THE WAY.
WELL, I'VE NEVER HEARD
THE ONE ABOUT THE MOLE.
OH, WELL,
WORKS LIKE A CHARM
IN EASTERN EUROPE.
AH! BRIAN'S INCREDIBLE,
ISN'T HE?
I--I JUST HOPE THAT SOMEDAY
I'M AS SUCCESSFUL WITH WOMEN
AS HE IS.
OH, WELL, SURE.
SHOOT AT ANYTHING
THAT MOVES.
YOU'RE BOUND
TO HIT SOMETHING.
UH-HUH. SO, UH,
YOU GOING OUT WITH HER?
TONIGHT, DINNER ON ME,
BUT NOT ITALIAN.
THE MEATBALLS TEND
TO ROLL OFF MY CHEST.
WELL, IF YOU'RE IN THE MOOD
FOR SOMETHING DEEP-FRIED,
I'M WORKING
THE DRIVE-THROUGH WINDOW
AT AHAB'S FAST FISH.
I DIDN'T KNOW
YOU HAD A 2ND JOB.
OH, NO OFFENSE,
BUT YOUR BROTHER
DOESN'T PAY VERY WELL.
ARE THEY STILL HIRING?
HELEN.
YEAH?
I CHANGED MY MIND.
I THINK,
AS LONG AS WE'RE DATING,
WE SHOULDN'T HAVE ANY SECRETS,
SO, HERE'S MY ADDRESS BOOK.
YOU GO AHEAD
AND LOOK IN IT.
THAT'S OK, JOE. I DON'T
NEED TO LOOK IN YOUR BOOK.
I WANT YOU TO.
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
NO, GO AHEAD.
OK.
THE SAME PAGE AS THE FLORIST
YOU WERE LOOKING UP
IS A NAME
YOU MIGHT RECOGNIZE.
NANCY FERGUSON?
[chuckling]
YEAH, THAT'S THE ONE.
WHAT THE HELL
IS NANCY FERGUSON DOING
IN YOUR ADDRESS BOOK?
WELL, TO BE TOTALLY HONEST,
LAST SPRING,
LONG BEFORE
YOU AND I WERE EVEN
THINKING ABOUT DATING,
WE HAD AN AFFAIR.
...LY INNOCUOUS DATE.
NANCY FERGUSON?
COME ON, HELEN,
YOU'RE THE ONE
THAT WANTED TO LOOK
IN MY ADDRESS BOOK.
YOU MADE THIS BED,
NOW YOU HAVE TO LIE IN IT.
I CAN'T.
NANCY FERGUSON'S BEEN THERE.
AND WHAT IS THIS STAR
BY HER NAME?
UH, I...
I WAS DOODLING.
BET YOU WERE.
COME ON, HELEN.
OK, JOE, YOU'RE RIGHT.
I'M SORRY.
IT'S ALL IN THE PAST.
GUESS IT COULD
HAVE BEEN WORSE.
IT COULD HAVE BEEN
SHERRY SCUDDER.
[chuckles]
YEAH, SURE COULD HAVE BEEN.
[clearing throat]
HELEN...
I LET YOU LOOK
IN MY PHONE BOOK,
SO, UH, NOW YOU GOTTA
SHOW ME WHAT YOU'RE HIDING
IN YOUR PURSE.
FAT CHANCE.
HEY, LOOK, HELEN,
THAT'S NOT FAIR.
FAIR? WELCOME TO THE WORLD
OF ROMANCE, TOOTS.
THEY'RE A FUN COUPLE,
AREN'T THEY?
WELL, IT'S STILL BETTER
TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP
THAN OUT THERE,
TROLLING THE SINGLES' BARS.
IT'S TERRIFYING, HORRIBLE.
IT'S LONELY OUT THERE.
(Lowell)
UH, I KNOW
WHAT YOU MEAN, ROY.
BEFORE I MET BUNNY,
I CAN'T TELL YOU
HOW MANY EVENINGS
I SPENT
SITTING AT
THE KNIGHT AND CASTLE,
WONDERING WHERE
ALL THE GREAT WOMEN WERE.
LOWELL,
THE KNIGHT AND CASTLE
IS A GAY HANGOUT.
IT IS?
WELL, THAT EXPLAINS
THOSE PHONE MESSAGES
FROM STEVE.
WELL, YOU GUYS ARE RIGHT.
IT'S TOUGH OUT THERE.
OH, HACKETT,
WHAT ARE YOU TALKIN' ABOUT?
YOU DON'T SEEM TO HAVE
ANY TROUBLE FINDING WOMEN.
WELL, WOMEN, NO,
BUT THE WOMAN.
I MEAN, IT'S DIFFERENT.
I MEAN, I'M A REASONABLY
INTELLIGENT GUY.
I HAD A SCHOLARSHIP
TO PRINCETON,
SPENT SOME TIME AT NASA.
THERE'S EVEN
A SMALL VILLAGE IN BELIZE
WHERE I'M CONSIDERED A GOD.
BUT I--I JUST DON'T KNOW
WHERE TO FIND
A--A SENSITIVE, ATTRACTIVE,
INTELLIGENT WOMAN, YOU KNOW?
(Melinda)
HERE.
[cup clattering]
I--I--I BEG YOUR PARDON?
WELL, I THINK
I'M A SENSITIVE,
ATTRACTIVE,
INTELLIGENT WOMAN.
AND WITH QUITE A HIGH OPINION
OF HERSELF, I MIGHT ADD.
I CAN'T BELIEVE
WE HAVE SO MUCH IN COMMON.
I'M MELINDA.
HI. BRIAN.
HI.
HI.
I DON'T USUALLY
DO THIS.
I MEAN, I'M NOT
THE KIND OF WOMAN
WHO HANGS AROUND
AT AIRPORTS.
YOU MEAN A TRAVELER?
HEY, HEY,
YOU'RE LAUGHIN' NOW.
WHY DON'T YOU HAVE DINNER
WITH ME TONIGHT
AND YOU'LL BE SNORTING
EXPENSIVE WINE OUT YOUR NOSE.
HOW COULD A GIRL
IN HER RIGHT MIND
TURN DOWN AN INVITATION
LIKE THAT?
OOH, I LIKE HER.
ANNOUNCING THE ARRIVAL
OF SANDPIPER AIR FLIGHT 8
FROM HYANNIS.
THAT'S MY FLIGHT.
WHOA, W-WAIT A SECOND.
YOU'RE NOT LEAVING,
ARE YOU?
OH, NO. NO,
I'M MEETING SOMEBODY.
OH. WELL, AFTER
ALL WE'VE BEEN THROUGH,
I THOUGHT I WAS THE MAN
OF YOUR DREAMS.
HI, MOM.
HI, KENNY.
MOM, KENNY.
KENNY'S MOM.
[exclaiming]
[stammering]
WELL, WOW!
I DON'T BELIEVE THIS.
YOU? YOU AND MY MOM
ARE GOIN' OUT ON A DATE?
BOY, YOU DON'T LOOK
OLD ENOUGH TO BE
KENNY'S MOTHER.
OH, SHE IS, I SWEAR IT.
THANK YOU, DEAR.
SO, UH, YOU DON'T HAVE
ANY PROBLEM WITH THIS,
DO YOU, KENNY LAD?
OH, WHAT? ARE YOU KIDDING?
NO. NO, NO.
I THINK IT'S GREAT.
MOM, I GOTTA GO
FILL OUT MY FLIGHT LOG.
SO I'M GONNA MEET YOU
AT THE CAR, OK?
OK.
SO, GREAT.
I--I--I'LL PICK YOU UP
AT 8:00, OK?
GREAT. I'LL SEE YOU THEN.
OK.
I HOPE YOU LIKE
CLOG DANCING.
I HOPE YOU'RE KIDDING.
[phone ringing]
[whooping]
IMAGINE THAT,
ME DATIN' YOUR MOM.
YOU STAY AWAY
FROM MY MOTHER!
WHAT?
AND I--I KNOW
WHAT YOU'RE LIKE.
I KNOW HOW YOU TREAT WOMEN.
WAIT A SECOND.
WE-- WE'RE JUST GONNA
GO OUT AND HAVE A NICE TIME.
WHAT COULD POSSIBLY
BE WRONG WITH THAT?
WELL, FOR ONE THING,
YOU ALREADY HAVE
A DATE TONIGHT.
I DO?
YOU KNOW, THE GIRL
FROM THE TERMINAL
THIS MORNING?
THE ONE YOU TREATED
LIKE A PIECE OF MEAT?
COULD YOU BE
A LITTLE MORE SPECIFIC?
THE BLONDE.
OH, HER.
A MINOR GLITCH.
I'LL BRUSH HER OFF
LIKE CRUMBS ON A PLACE MAT.
OH, BRIAN, THAT'S EXACTLY
WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.
TONIGHT YOU'LL DUMP HER
AND TOMORROW NIGHT,
IT'LL BE MY MOM.
HEY, Y-YOU GOT ME
ALL WRONG, KID.
I'M--I'M NOT
THAT WAY AT ALL.
WELL, I AM.
BUT I CAN TURN IT
ON AND OFF.
COME ON, BRIAN. LOOK,
MAKE ANY EXCUSE YOU HAVE TO,
BUT GET OUT OF IT.
KENNY, YOU KNOW,
I THINK IT'S VERY NICE
THE WAY YOU'RE LOOKIN' OUT
FOR YOUR MOM AND ALL
BUT,
H-HOW CAN I PUT THIS?
IT'S NONE OF
YOUR BUSINESS.
I'M WARNIN' YOU.
IF YOU HURT HER,
YOU WILL RUE THE DAY
THAT YOU EVER MESSED WITH
KENNETH MARGARET McELVEY.
MARGARET?
DON'T LAUGH.
I WAS NAMED AFTER
MY GREAT-GRANDMOTHER.
SHE WAS AN INDIAN FIGHTER,
SO YOU WATCH IT.
[chuckling]
NOT THE WORST-LOOKING
MARGARET I EVER MET.
UH, FAY, COULD YOU
COME OVER HERE
FOR A MINUTE?
OH, SURE, ROY.
I WANT YOUR OPINION
ABOUT SOMETHING.
I JUST FOUND OUT
THAT I'M--I'M GONNA
BE NEEDING GLASSES
AND I--I BORROWED
A PAIR OF THESE FRAMES
TO SEE IF I LIKED THEM.
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
HEY, ROY,
THAT'S A GREAT-LOOKING
PAIR OF GLASSES.
[chuckling]
REALLY? THANKS.
BOY, THOSE LENSES
ARE SO CLEAR
YOU'D SWEAR
THEY WEREN'T
IN THERE AT ALL.
[screaming]
OH. GAG GLASSES.
OH, YOU GOT ME, ROY.
WHAT'S NEW, KID?
BEETLE BAILEY
JUST GOT IN TROUBLE
WITH THE SARGE.
GEE, HOW DO THEY
KEEP THAT STUFF FRESH?
LOOK, BRIAN,
I THINK I REALLY
OWE YOU AN APOLOGY.
I--I HAD NO--NO RIGHT
TO SPEAK TO YOU
THE WAY I DID.
AW, DON'T WORRY
ABOUT IT.
YOUR MOM'S A TERRIFIC LADY.
YOU JUST DIDN'T WANT
TO SEE HER GET HURT.
UH, WELL,
SHE SURE DIDN'T.
BETWEEN YOU AND ME,
I THINK SHE HAS
A LITTLE CRUSH ON YOU.
OH, REALLY?
YEAH.
UH, YOU KNOW, I JUST
HAD THIS FUNNY THOUGHT.
WHAT?
WHAT IF, UH, YOU
AND MY MOM KEEP ON HAVIN'
SUCH A GREAT TIME TOGETHER?
THEN MAYBE, UH, SOMEDAY,
YOU'D BE MY DAD.
HEY, THAT'D BE
SOMETHING, HUH?
[both mumbling]
[exclaiming]
KILL ME, JOE.
I'M KIND OF BUSY, BRIAN.
MAYBE LATER.
I WENT OUT ON A DATE
WITH KENNY'S MOM
AND I--I PROMISED KENNY
I WOULDN'T HURT HER,
YOU KNOW.
AND NOW, THE WOMAN HAS
A MASSIVE CRUSH ON ME.
WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?
SHE'S A LOX, JOE.
WHOA, WAIT A MINUTE.
W-WHAT WENT WRONG?
EARLIER TODAY,
YOU SAID, YOU THOUGHT
YOU HAD A WINNER.
LOOK, I'LL TELL YOU
WHAT WENT WRONG.
SHE CHANGED ON ME.
IT WAS LIKE LON CHANEY
DURING A FULL MOON.
I MEAN, THE WOMAN
IS UNABLE TO SHUT UP.
SHE CANNOT STOP TALKING.
SHE'S A HUMAN TAPE LOOP.
IF SHE'S NOT TALKING
ABOUT HERSELF,
SHE'S TALKING ABOUT HER CAT
OR HER GARDENER,
OR HOW WONDERFUL
HER EX-HUSBAND DENNIS IS
AND SHE CAN'T UNDERSTAND
WHY DENNIS RAN OUT ON HER.
I'LL--I'LL TELL YOU
WHY HE RAN OUT ON HER, JOE.
DENNIS HAS 2 GOOD EARS.
[groaning]
WELL, KENNY WARNED ME
TO STAY AWAY FROM HER.
IF ONLY I HAD HEEDED
THE WISDOM OF THAT CHILD.
IF ONLY I HADN'T
GONE OUT WITH HER.
BUT, NO.
WELL, IF IFS AND BUTS
WERE CANDY AND NUTS,
WE'D ALL HAVE
A WONDERFUL CHRISTMAS.
YOU'RE ENJOYING YOURSELF,
AREN'T YOU?
I HAVE SO FEW PLEASURES
IN LIFE, ALLOW ME THIS.
WHAT AM I GONNA DO?
I DON'T WANNA HURT THE KID,
BUT I'VE GOT TO
DUMP HIS MOTHER LIKE
A LOAD OF BAD ASPHALT.
BREAK IT OFF,
DON'T LET IT
GO ANY FURTHER.
CALL HIS MOTHER RIGHT NOW
AND THEN EXPLAIN IT TO KENNY.
HE'LL UNDERSTAND.
[stammering]
YEAH, YEAH, RIGHT.
HONESTY IS THE WAY TO GO.
ALL RIGHT?
YEAH.
HERE, UH, TELL HER
YOU'RE FROM THE CENTER FOR
DISEASE CONTROL IN ATLANTA.
ASK HER IF SHE'S HAD
ANY CONTACT AT ALL
WITH A BRIAN HACKETT.
[phone ringing]
BRIAN.
OK, OK, OK.
HEY, MELINDA.
HI, IT'S BRIAN--
IT'S-- YEAH--
IT'S--
[Melinda chattering on phone]
YEAH.
[people chattering]
[airplane engine whirring]
AHA!
AHA, HER DIARY.
[chuckling]
WHAT?
OH, NO.
OH, MY GOD!
JOE, WHAT ARE YOU DOIN'?
WHAT AM I DOING?
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
WHO THE HELL IS BOB
AND WHY DID YOUR LOINS
BURN FOR HIM LAST NIGHT?
WHAT? ARE YOU NUTS?
EXCUSE ME.
I THINK I LEFT MY--
HEY, THAT'S MY PURSE.
[stuttering]
IT'S NOT YOUR PURSE.
IT'S HER PURSE.
IT IS NOT.
SHE'S RIGHT.
THIS IS MINE.
YOU'RE READING MY DIARY.
NO. I'M NOT, I SWEAR.
I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING
ABOUT YOUR LOINS.
JOE HACKETT,
I'M SURPRISED AT YOU.
I-- I'M SORRY,
I DON'T KNOW
WHAT HAS GOTTEN INTO ME.
I AM JUST OBSESSED
WITH WHATEVER IT IS
YOU'RE HIDING IN THERE.
JOE, I'M NOT HIDING
ANYTHING IN HERE.
I WAS JUST TEASING YOU.
OBVIOUSLY, YOU'RE NOT
GONNA BELIEVE ME.
OK, SO LET'S JUST
TAKE A LOOK, SHALL WE?
THERE, JOE.
THERE IT ALL IS.
SEE, THERE'S ALL
MY DEEP, DARK SECRETS.
[gasping]
OH, WHAT'S THIS?
LIPSTICK.
I'M NEVER GONNA BE ABLE
TO LOOK IN YOUR FACE AGAIN.
[screaming]
WHAT'S THIS?
KEYS.
(Helen)
OH, THE SHAME OF IT.
ARE YOU THROUGH?
I DON'T KNOW, JOE.
HAVE YOU SEEN ENOUGH?
UH, OK, YOU WIN.
I DON'T WANNA
DO THIS ANYMORE.
I'M EMBARRASSED ENOUGH
THAT IT BECAME
SO IMPORTANT TO ME.
BUT NOW IT'S OVER.
GOOD, JOE.
HEY, HELEN,
WHAT'S THAT?
OH, MY GOD. I FORGOT
THAT WAS STILL IN THERE.
HEY, HEY, HELEN.
WHAT IS-- WHAT IS THAT?
NOTHING.
HELEN?
NOTHING.
HELEN.
THEY ARE A FUN COUPLE,
AREN'T THEY?
[phone ringing]
OH, KENNY, KENNY, KENNY.
JUST THE MAN I'M LOOKING FOR.
UH...
THERE'S NO EASY WAY
OF SAYING THIS.
SO, I GUESS, I'LL JUST
COME RIGHT OUT AND SAY IT.
UH, JUST GOT OFF THE PHONE
WITH YOUR MOM.
OH, YEAH?
YEAH.
AND I'M NOT GONNA BE
SEEING HER ANYMORE.
WHAT?
YEAH, WE'VE DECIDED
THAT IT JUST WOULDN'T
WORK OUT.
"WE DECIDED?"
"WE DECIDED?"
NO, NO, NO,
YOU MEAN YOU DECIDED.
I KNEW YOU'D DO THIS.
OH, NO, KENNY,
YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.
NO, NO, NO, I UNDERSTAND.
WELL, I UNDERSTAND JUST FINE.
YOU BROKE MY MOTHER'S HEART,
AND I HOPE YOU DIE.
WELL, I THINK
THAT WENT PRETTY WELL.
THANK YOU, SIR.
[bell ringing]
AHOY, MATEY,
WELCOME TO AHAB'S.
ARGH! MAY I TAKE
YOUR ORDER, PLEASE?
(Brian)
HEY, KENNY.
IT'S ME, BRIAN.
UH, I JUST
CAME TO TALK TO YOU
FOR--FOR A SECOND.
[crickets chirping]
MAY I TAKE YOUR ORDER?
UH, KENNY,
I'M REALLY NOT HUNGRY.
I JUST-- I JUST
NEED TO TALK TO YOU.
IF YOU'RE NOT GONNA ORDER,
JUST DRIVE ON THROUGH.
OH, KENNY, COME ON.
I CAN'T HEAR YOU.
SPEAK INTO THE WHALE'S
BLOWHOLE.
I DON'T WANT TO.
I DON'T KNOW
WHERE THIS WHALE'S BEEN.
YEAH. UH, A-ALL RIGHT,
YEAH, I'LL ORDER.
UH, LET ME HAVE THE,
UH, "THE FEEDING FRENZY."
DO YOU WANT FRIES
WITH THAT, SIR?
A DISH CALLED "FEEDING FRENZY"
DOESN'T COME WITH FRIES?
NO. THAT'LL BE $4.75.
DRIVE FORWARD
AND PICK UP YOUR ORDER.
[yelling]
ONE FRENZY!
[mimicking Popeye]
OH, MY GOSH.
KENNY.
KENNY, COME ON.
[stammering]
WE GOTTA TALK
ABOUT THIS NOW.
OK. NOW, LOOK,
WHEN I GO OUT
WITH A WOMAN,
I ALWAYS HOPE
IT'S GONNA WORK OUT.
OH, THAT IS SUCH A LIE.
ALL YOU CARE ABOUT,
ALL YOU WANT TO DO
IS TAKE THEM OUT,
HAVE YOUR WAY WITH THEM,
THEN DUMP THEM.
YOU DON'T CARE
ABOUT THEIR FEELINGS.
YOU KNOW, ALL YOU CARE ABOUT
IS YOURSELF
AND YOUR BASE ANIMAL NEEDS.
[bell ringing]
AHOY, MATEY,
WELCOME TO AHAB'S.
ARGH!
MAY I TAKE YOUR ORDER?
(man)
3 AHAB BURGERS
AND A LARGE MOBY SHAKE.
YOU DISGUST ME.
OK, MAKE THAT 2 BURGERS
AND A MEDIUM SHAKE.
YOU KNOW, IF I WASN'T
WORKIN' RIGHT NOW,
I'D TAKE YOU OUT BACK
AND BEAT THE SNOT
OUT OF YOU.
OH, REALLY?
DO YOU WANNA HIT ME?
WILL THAT MAKE YOU
FEEL BETTER?
I-IF YOU WANNA HIT ME,
KID,
GO, TAKE YOUR BEST SHOT.
OH.
OK, I'LL EVEN MAKE IT
EASY FOR YOU, COME ON.
[horn honking]
HEY, WOULD YOU
HOLD YOUR HORSES?
I'M TALKING HERE, OK?
COME ON, KID, COME ON,
COME ON, HIT ME. GO AHEAD.
[grunting]
SORRY TO KEEP YOU
WAITING, SIR.
YOUR ORDER WILL BE READY
IN A MINUTE.
HEY, NO PROBLEM.
TAKE YOUR TIME.
OW!
YOU DID IT.
YOU ACTUALLY DID IT.
WELL, YOU SAID I COULD.
YEAH, BUT W-WHEN PEOPLE SAY,
"GO AHEAD AND HIT ME,"
THEY DON'T ACTUALLY EXPECT
THE OTHER PERSON TO DO IT.
OH, MAN.
YOU KNOW, FOR A LITTLE GUY,
YOU GOT A PRETTY GOOD RIGHT,
YOU KNOW.
WELL,
I HAD A ROLL OF QUARTERS
IN MY HAND.
WHICH REMINDS ME,
YOU--YOU STILL OWE ME $4.75.
YEP. YEP.
I DON'T KNOW.
I'VE DONE MY BEST.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT ELSE
I CAN DO.
THANK YOU.
[exhales]
MAN.
I JUST-- I JUST WANT HER
TO FIND SOMEONE AND BE HAPPY.
WELL, THAT WILL HAPPEN.
YEAH. YEAH, SURE.
SHE KEEPS GOIN' OUT
WITH LOTS OF GUYS
BUT NONE OF THEM
EVER SEEM TO COME BACK.
I MEAN, WHAT--WHAT IS
WRONG WITH HER?
ISN'T SHE ANY FUN?
WELL, NO, KENNY,
IT'S NOT THAT.
ISN'T SHE PRETTY ENOUGH?
OH, YEAH, SHE'S PRETTY.
I MEAN, IT'S NOT THAT
EITHER--
WELL, THEN WHAT IS IT?
I MEAN,
IS IT-- IS IT 'CAUSE
SHE'S NOT SMART ENOUGH?
I MEAN,
NO--NO SENSE OF HUMOR?
BAD CLOTHES,
BAD--BAD MANNERS,
BAD POSTURE?
WHAT IS IT?
IT'S GOTTA BE SOMETHING.
NO, NO, KENNY.
IT'S NONE OF THOSE THINGS.
WELL, JUST COME ON,
TELL ME. I CAN TAKE IT.
I MEAN, JUST WHAT IS IT?
TELL ME!
ALL RIGHT, JUST--
YEAH, I'LL TELL YOU
WHAT IT IS.
YOU WANNA KNOW
WHAT IT IS?
YES!
IT IS...
IT'S ME.
IT IS. IT IS ME.
IT'S ALL ME. I--I--I CAN'T
COMMIT TO ANYTHING.
WHENEVER I MEET
A GREAT WOMAN,
LIKE YOUR MOTHER,
I JUST RUN THE OTHER WAY.
AND UNFORTUNATELY,
WHEN I'M RUNNING,
I...
I TRAMPLE
ON PEOPLE'S FEELINGS.
I'M SORRY.
LET ME GIVE YOU
A LITTLE ADVICE, BRIAN.
GROW UP.
I'M TRYING.
AND WHO KNOWS?
MAYBE SOMEDAY,
WITH A LITTLE LUCK,
I'LL BE AS SENSIBLE
AND MATURE AS YOU.
OH, WAIT A SECOND, BRIAN.
HERE'S ANOTHER MILK SHAKE.
OH, NO, YOU DON'T
HAVE TO DO THAT.
YES, I DO.
COME ON.
I SPIT IN THE OTHER ONE.
[sighing]
APPRECIATE THAT.
TO MAKE A RESERVATION
ON YOUR NEXT FLIGHT
TO PROVINCETOWN.
UH, I'M SORRY,
OUR COMPUTER'S
TIED UP RIGHT NOW.
[music playing]
85,000 POINTS AND 3 SWORDS
IN THE DRAGON'S EYE.
BEAT THAT, YOU WEENIE.
STEP ASIDE, YODA.
YOU'RE IN THE WIZARD'S GLOW.
NO. NO, NO.
I--I NEED THIS COMPUTER
FOR BUSINESS.
OK, OK. KENNY, WE GOT
AN IMPORTANT JOB TO DO.
WHAT'S THAT?
WE'VE GOT TO SNEAK INTO
ROY'S PLANE AND CUT HOLES
IN HIS AIRSICK BAGS.
COOL.
WHO ARE THOSE BOZOS?
OUR PILOTS.
NAME?
[seagulls cawing]
JOE?
(Joe)
I'M OUT IN THE HANGAR,
HELEN.
JOE, I NEED TO SEND
SOME FLOWERS.
WHERE DID YOU GET
THOSE ROSES YOU SENT ME?
UH, THE FLOWER BASKET
OUT ON CLIFF ROAD.
DO YOU HAVE
THAT NUMBER?
YEAH.
IT'S IN MY PHONE BOOK.
TOP RIGHT-HAND DRAWER.
HERE, LET ME
FIND THAT FOR YOU.
THAT NUMBER IS 9-5-6--
EXCUSE ME.
UH, WHY'D YOU RUN IN HERE
AND GRAB THAT BOOK
OUT OF MY HAND?
NO REASON.
JUST A CRAZY IMPULSE.
YOU KNOW
WHAT A MADCAP I AM.
THAT'S HUBCAP.
WHAT ARE YOU TRYIN'
TO HIDE FROM ME?
[laughing]
OH, DON'T BE RIDICULOUS.
HIDE SOMETHING?
HELEN, YOU ARE BEING
A LITTLE BIT PARANOID.
YOU HAVE ABSOLUTELY
NO REASON TO THINK
THAT I'M TRYING TO HIDE
SOMETHING FROM YOU.
MY LIFE IS AN OPEN BOOK.
[keys clinking]
NOW,
WHAT WAS THE QUESTION?
[drawer rattling]
OPEN UP THIS DAMN DRAWER.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT'S IN HERE
AND I WANNA KNOW RIGHT NOW.
HEY, HEY, HELEN,
STOP--STOP THAT.
THAT BOOK IS PRIVATE.
THERE ARE 2 KINDS OF PRIVATE,
JOE.
THERE'S THE KIND
WHERE YOU HAVE
NOTHING TO HIDE,
NOBODY CARES DIDDLYSQUAT
ABOUT THAT,
AND THEN,
THERE'S THE OTHER KIND,
THE KIND
THAT'S REALLY PRIVATE,
THE KIND
THAT MAKES YOUR FOREHEAD
BREAK OUT IN A COLD SWEAT.
I HAVE NO IDEA
WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.
THANKS.
HELEN,
HOW WOULD YOU LIKE IT
IF I WENT RIFLING
THROUGH YOUR PURSE?
I WOULDN'T MIND AT ALL,
I HAVE NOTHING TO HIDE.
ESPECIALLY FROM SOMEONE
I CARE ABOUT.
YOU TRYING TO TELL ME
YOU HAVE ABSOLUTELY
NOTHING IN THERE
YOU WOULDN'T
WANT ME TO SEE?
NO, JOE,
I HAVE NOTHING IN HERE.
WHAT, I'VE GOT,
LOOK, A BRUSH, MASCARA...
WHOOPS! GOT TO GO.
HEY, WAIT A MINUTE.
WAIT A MINUTE.
WHAT'S IN THERE?
WHAT? NOTHING, JOE.
JUST, YOU KNOW,
USUAL GIRL STUFF.
WHIPS AND CHAINS AND...
A SELECTION
OF SEXUAL DEVICES
FROM THE FAR EAST.
YOU'RE KIDDING, RIGHT?
YEAH.
YEAH.
THIS IS DISGRACEFUL.
WHAT'S THAT, ROY?
IT SAYS HERE,
"MISS NANTUCKET PICKLED
AT STATE BEAUTY PAGEANT."
I MEAN, HERE SHE IS,
A REPRESENTATIVE
OF THIS LOVELY ISLAND
AND SHE GETS DRUNK
AT THE PAGEANT.
WELL, ACTUALLY, ROY,
IT SAYS,
"MISS NANTUCKET PICKED
AT STATE BEAUTY PAGEANT,"
NOT PICKLED.
GIVE ME THAT.
OH, YOU'RE RIGHT.
THAT'S GOOD FOR HER.
HAVE YOU EVER CONSIDERED
THAT YOU MIGHT NEED GLASSES,
ROY?
GLASSES? NO WAY.
I DON'T NEED GLASSES.
UH-UH.
ROY, THE LOSS
OF PHYSICAL PROWESS
AS WE AGE
SHOULD NOT BE
A SOURCE OF SHAME,
SOMETHING TO BE HIDDEN
FROM THE PITY OF A YOUNGER,
MORE CAPABLE WORLD.
AS DYLAN ONCE SAID,
"DO NOT GO GENTLE
INTO THAT GOOD NIGHT.
"RAGE, RAGE,
FOR THE TIMES
THEY ARE A-CHANGIN'."
I THINK YOU'RE
MIXING UP BOB DYLAN
WITH DYLAN THOMAS.
NO, THAT'S RIDICULOUS.
DYLAN THOMAS WAS
THE POET LAUREATE OF WALES.
BOB DYLAN STARRED
IN GILLIGAN'S ISLAND.
NO, NO, NO,
THAT'S BOB DENVER.
NO, BOB DENVER
IS THE ONE WHO SINGS
ROCKY MOUNTAIN HIGH.
OH, RIGHT, RIGHT.
[phone ringing]
WOW, LOOK WHAT
JUST CAME IN
FROM GATE ONE.
UH!
I COULDN'T EVEN IMAGINE
TALKING TO A WOMAN LIKE THAT.
WATCH THIS.
UM, EXCUSE ME.
UH, DO I KNOW YOU?
ARE YOU A MODEL?
WHAT'S A NICE GIRL LIKE YOU
DOING IN A PLACE LIKE THIS?
WHAT'S YOUR SIGN?
DON'T YOU THINK YOU SHOULD
HAVE THAT MOLE CHECKED?
WHAT?
NAH,
I WAS JUST TRYIN' TO GET
ALL THOSE HORRIBLE CLICHES
OUT OF THE WAY.
WELL, I'VE NEVER HEARD
THE ONE ABOUT THE MOLE.
OH, WELL,
WORKS LIKE A CHARM
IN EASTERN EUROPE.
AH! BRIAN'S INCREDIBLE,
ISN'T HE?
I--I JUST HOPE THAT SOMEDAY
I'M AS SUCCESSFUL WITH WOMEN
AS HE IS.
OH, WELL, SURE.
SHOOT AT ANYTHING
THAT MOVES.
YOU'RE BOUND
TO HIT SOMETHING.
UH-HUH. SO, UH,
YOU GOING OUT WITH HER?
TONIGHT, DINNER ON ME,
BUT NOT ITALIAN.
THE MEATBALLS TEND
TO ROLL OFF MY CHEST.
WELL, IF YOU'RE IN THE MOOD
FOR SOMETHING DEEP-FRIED,
I'M WORKING
THE DRIVE-THROUGH WINDOW
AT AHAB'S FAST FISH.
I DIDN'T KNOW
YOU HAD A 2ND JOB.
OH, NO OFFENSE,
BUT YOUR BROTHER
DOESN'T PAY VERY WELL.
ARE THEY STILL HIRING?
HELEN.
YEAH?
I CHANGED MY MIND.
I THINK,
AS LONG AS WE'RE DATING,
WE SHOULDN'T HAVE ANY SECRETS,
SO, HERE'S MY ADDRESS BOOK.
YOU GO AHEAD
AND LOOK IN IT.
THAT'S OK, JOE. I DON'T
NEED TO LOOK IN YOUR BOOK.
I WANT YOU TO.
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
NO, GO AHEAD.
OK.
THE SAME PAGE AS THE FLORIST
YOU WERE LOOKING UP
IS A NAME
YOU MIGHT RECOGNIZE.
NANCY FERGUSON?
[chuckling]
YEAH, THAT'S THE ONE.
WHAT THE HELL
IS NANCY FERGUSON DOING
IN YOUR ADDRESS BOOK?
WELL, TO BE TOTALLY HONEST,
LAST SPRING,
LONG BEFORE
YOU AND I WERE EVEN
THINKING ABOUT DATING,
WE HAD AN AFFAIR.
...LY INNOCUOUS DATE.
NANCY FERGUSON?
COME ON, HELEN,
YOU'RE THE ONE
THAT WANTED TO LOOK
IN MY ADDRESS BOOK.
YOU MADE THIS BED,
NOW YOU HAVE TO LIE IN IT.
I CAN'T.
NANCY FERGUSON'S BEEN THERE.
AND WHAT IS THIS STAR
BY HER NAME?
UH, I...
I WAS DOODLING.
BET YOU WERE.
COME ON, HELEN.
OK, JOE, YOU'RE RIGHT.
I'M SORRY.
IT'S ALL IN THE PAST.
GUESS IT COULD
HAVE BEEN WORSE.
IT COULD HAVE BEEN
SHERRY SCUDDER.
[chuckles]
YEAH, SURE COULD HAVE BEEN.
[clearing throat]
HELEN...
I LET YOU LOOK
IN MY PHONE BOOK,
SO, UH, NOW YOU GOTTA
SHOW ME WHAT YOU'RE HIDING
IN YOUR PURSE.
FAT CHANCE.
HEY, LOOK, HELEN,
THAT'S NOT FAIR.
FAIR? WELCOME TO THE WORLD
OF ROMANCE, TOOTS.
THEY'RE A FUN COUPLE,
AREN'T THEY?
WELL, IT'S STILL BETTER
TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP
THAN OUT THERE,
TROLLING THE SINGLES' BARS.
IT'S TERRIFYING, HORRIBLE.
IT'S LONELY OUT THERE.
(Lowell)
UH, I KNOW
WHAT YOU MEAN, ROY.
BEFORE I MET BUNNY,
I CAN'T TELL YOU
HOW MANY EVENINGS
I SPENT
SITTING AT
THE KNIGHT AND CASTLE,
WONDERING WHERE
ALL THE GREAT WOMEN WERE.
LOWELL,
THE KNIGHT AND CASTLE
IS A GAY HANGOUT.
IT IS?
WELL, THAT EXPLAINS
THOSE PHONE MESSAGES
FROM STEVE.
WELL, YOU GUYS ARE RIGHT.
IT'S TOUGH OUT THERE.
OH, HACKETT,
WHAT ARE YOU TALKIN' ABOUT?
YOU DON'T SEEM TO HAVE
ANY TROUBLE FINDING WOMEN.
WELL, WOMEN, NO,
BUT THE WOMAN.
I MEAN, IT'S DIFFERENT.
I MEAN, I'M A REASONABLY
INTELLIGENT GUY.
I HAD A SCHOLARSHIP
TO PRINCETON,
SPENT SOME TIME AT NASA.
THERE'S EVEN
A SMALL VILLAGE IN BELIZE
WHERE I'M CONSIDERED A GOD.
BUT I--I JUST DON'T KNOW
WHERE TO FIND
A--A SENSITIVE, ATTRACTIVE,
INTELLIGENT WOMAN, YOU KNOW?
(Melinda)
HERE.
[cup clattering]
I--I--I BEG YOUR PARDON?
WELL, I THINK
I'M A SENSITIVE,
ATTRACTIVE,
INTELLIGENT WOMAN.
AND WITH QUITE A HIGH OPINION
OF HERSELF, I MIGHT ADD.
I CAN'T BELIEVE
WE HAVE SO MUCH IN COMMON.
I'M MELINDA.
HI. BRIAN.
HI.
HI.
I DON'T USUALLY
DO THIS.
I MEAN, I'M NOT
THE KIND OF WOMAN
WHO HANGS AROUND
AT AIRPORTS.
YOU MEAN A TRAVELER?
HEY, HEY,
YOU'RE LAUGHIN' NOW.
WHY DON'T YOU HAVE DINNER
WITH ME TONIGHT
AND YOU'LL BE SNORTING
EXPENSIVE WINE OUT YOUR NOSE.
HOW COULD A GIRL
IN HER RIGHT MIND
TURN DOWN AN INVITATION
LIKE THAT?
OOH, I LIKE HER.
ANNOUNCING THE ARRIVAL
OF SANDPIPER AIR FLIGHT 8
FROM HYANNIS.
THAT'S MY FLIGHT.
WHOA, W-WAIT A SECOND.
YOU'RE NOT LEAVING,
ARE YOU?
OH, NO. NO,
I'M MEETING SOMEBODY.
OH. WELL, AFTER
ALL WE'VE BEEN THROUGH,
I THOUGHT I WAS THE MAN
OF YOUR DREAMS.
HI, MOM.
HI, KENNY.
MOM, KENNY.
KENNY'S MOM.
[exclaiming]
[stammering]
WELL, WOW!
I DON'T BELIEVE THIS.
YOU? YOU AND MY MOM
ARE GOIN' OUT ON A DATE?
BOY, YOU DON'T LOOK
OLD ENOUGH TO BE
KENNY'S MOTHER.
OH, SHE IS, I SWEAR IT.
THANK YOU, DEAR.
SO, UH, YOU DON'T HAVE
ANY PROBLEM WITH THIS,
DO YOU, KENNY LAD?
OH, WHAT? ARE YOU KIDDING?
NO. NO, NO.
I THINK IT'S GREAT.
MOM, I GOTTA GO
FILL OUT MY FLIGHT LOG.
SO I'M GONNA MEET YOU
AT THE CAR, OK?
OK.
SO, GREAT.
I--I--I'LL PICK YOU UP
AT 8:00, OK?
GREAT. I'LL SEE YOU THEN.
OK.
I HOPE YOU LIKE
CLOG DANCING.
I HOPE YOU'RE KIDDING.
[phone ringing]
[whooping]
IMAGINE THAT,
ME DATIN' YOUR MOM.
YOU STAY AWAY
FROM MY MOTHER!
WHAT?
AND I--I KNOW
WHAT YOU'RE LIKE.
I KNOW HOW YOU TREAT WOMEN.
WAIT A SECOND.
WE-- WE'RE JUST GONNA
GO OUT AND HAVE A NICE TIME.
WHAT COULD POSSIBLY
BE WRONG WITH THAT?
WELL, FOR ONE THING,
YOU ALREADY HAVE
A DATE TONIGHT.
I DO?
YOU KNOW, THE GIRL
FROM THE TERMINAL
THIS MORNING?
THE ONE YOU TREATED
LIKE A PIECE OF MEAT?
COULD YOU BE
A LITTLE MORE SPECIFIC?
THE BLONDE.
OH, HER.
A MINOR GLITCH.
I'LL BRUSH HER OFF
LIKE CRUMBS ON A PLACE MAT.
OH, BRIAN, THAT'S EXACTLY
WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.
TONIGHT YOU'LL DUMP HER
AND TOMORROW NIGHT,
IT'LL BE MY MOM.
HEY, Y-YOU GOT ME
ALL WRONG, KID.
I'M--I'M NOT
THAT WAY AT ALL.
WELL, I AM.
BUT I CAN TURN IT
ON AND OFF.
COME ON, BRIAN. LOOK,
MAKE ANY EXCUSE YOU HAVE TO,
BUT GET OUT OF IT.
KENNY, YOU KNOW,
I THINK IT'S VERY NICE
THE WAY YOU'RE LOOKIN' OUT
FOR YOUR MOM AND ALL
BUT,
H-HOW CAN I PUT THIS?
IT'S NONE OF
YOUR BUSINESS.
I'M WARNIN' YOU.
IF YOU HURT HER,
YOU WILL RUE THE DAY
THAT YOU EVER MESSED WITH
KENNETH MARGARET McELVEY.
MARGARET?
DON'T LAUGH.
I WAS NAMED AFTER
MY GREAT-GRANDMOTHER.
SHE WAS AN INDIAN FIGHTER,
SO YOU WATCH IT.
[chuckling]
NOT THE WORST-LOOKING
MARGARET I EVER MET.
UH, FAY, COULD YOU
COME OVER HERE
FOR A MINUTE?
OH, SURE, ROY.
I WANT YOUR OPINION
ABOUT SOMETHING.
I JUST FOUND OUT
THAT I'M--I'M GONNA
BE NEEDING GLASSES
AND I--I BORROWED
A PAIR OF THESE FRAMES
TO SEE IF I LIKED THEM.
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
HEY, ROY,
THAT'S A GREAT-LOOKING
PAIR OF GLASSES.
[chuckling]
REALLY? THANKS.
BOY, THOSE LENSES
ARE SO CLEAR
YOU'D SWEAR
THEY WEREN'T
IN THERE AT ALL.
[screaming]
OH. GAG GLASSES.
OH, YOU GOT ME, ROY.
WHAT'S NEW, KID?
BEETLE BAILEY
JUST GOT IN TROUBLE
WITH THE SARGE.
GEE, HOW DO THEY
KEEP THAT STUFF FRESH?
LOOK, BRIAN,
I THINK I REALLY
OWE YOU AN APOLOGY.
I--I HAD NO--NO RIGHT
TO SPEAK TO YOU
THE WAY I DID.
AW, DON'T WORRY
ABOUT IT.
YOUR MOM'S A TERRIFIC LADY.
YOU JUST DIDN'T WANT
TO SEE HER GET HURT.
UH, WELL,
SHE SURE DIDN'T.
BETWEEN YOU AND ME,
I THINK SHE HAS
A LITTLE CRUSH ON YOU.
OH, REALLY?
YEAH.
UH, YOU KNOW, I JUST
HAD THIS FUNNY THOUGHT.
WHAT?
WHAT IF, UH, YOU
AND MY MOM KEEP ON HAVIN'
SUCH A GREAT TIME TOGETHER?
THEN MAYBE, UH, SOMEDAY,
YOU'D BE MY DAD.
HEY, THAT'D BE
SOMETHING, HUH?
[both mumbling]
[exclaiming]
KILL ME, JOE.
I'M KIND OF BUSY, BRIAN.
MAYBE LATER.
I WENT OUT ON A DATE
WITH KENNY'S MOM
AND I--I PROMISED KENNY
I WOULDN'T HURT HER,
YOU KNOW.
AND NOW, THE WOMAN HAS
A MASSIVE CRUSH ON ME.
WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?
SHE'S A LOX, JOE.
WHOA, WAIT A MINUTE.
W-WHAT WENT WRONG?
EARLIER TODAY,
YOU SAID, YOU THOUGHT
YOU HAD A WINNER.
LOOK, I'LL TELL YOU
WHAT WENT WRONG.
SHE CHANGED ON ME.
IT WAS LIKE LON CHANEY
DURING A FULL MOON.
I MEAN, THE WOMAN
IS UNABLE TO SHUT UP.
SHE CANNOT STOP TALKING.
SHE'S A HUMAN TAPE LOOP.
IF SHE'S NOT TALKING
ABOUT HERSELF,
SHE'S TALKING ABOUT HER CAT
OR HER GARDENER,
OR HOW WONDERFUL
HER EX-HUSBAND DENNIS IS
AND SHE CAN'T UNDERSTAND
WHY DENNIS RAN OUT ON HER.
I'LL--I'LL TELL YOU
WHY HE RAN OUT ON HER, JOE.
DENNIS HAS 2 GOOD EARS.
[groaning]
WELL, KENNY WARNED ME
TO STAY AWAY FROM HER.
IF ONLY I HAD HEEDED
THE WISDOM OF THAT CHILD.
IF ONLY I HADN'T
GONE OUT WITH HER.
BUT, NO.
WELL, IF IFS AND BUTS
WERE CANDY AND NUTS,
WE'D ALL HAVE
A WONDERFUL CHRISTMAS.
YOU'RE ENJOYING YOURSELF,
AREN'T YOU?
I HAVE SO FEW PLEASURES
IN LIFE, ALLOW ME THIS.
WHAT AM I GONNA DO?
I DON'T WANNA HURT THE KID,
BUT I'VE GOT TO
DUMP HIS MOTHER LIKE
A LOAD OF BAD ASPHALT.
BREAK IT OFF,
DON'T LET IT
GO ANY FURTHER.
CALL HIS MOTHER RIGHT NOW
AND THEN EXPLAIN IT TO KENNY.
HE'LL UNDERSTAND.
[stammering]
YEAH, YEAH, RIGHT.
HONESTY IS THE WAY TO GO.
ALL RIGHT?
YEAH.
HERE, UH, TELL HER
YOU'RE FROM THE CENTER FOR
DISEASE CONTROL IN ATLANTA.
ASK HER IF SHE'S HAD
ANY CONTACT AT ALL
WITH A BRIAN HACKETT.
[phone ringing]
BRIAN.
OK, OK, OK.
HEY, MELINDA.
HI, IT'S BRIAN--
IT'S-- YEAH--
IT'S--
[Melinda chattering on phone]
YEAH.
[people chattering]
[airplane engine whirring]
AHA!
AHA, HER DIARY.
[chuckling]
WHAT?
OH, NO.
OH, MY GOD!
JOE, WHAT ARE YOU DOIN'?
WHAT AM I DOING?
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
WHO THE HELL IS BOB
AND WHY DID YOUR LOINS
BURN FOR HIM LAST NIGHT?
WHAT? ARE YOU NUTS?
EXCUSE ME.
I THINK I LEFT MY--
HEY, THAT'S MY PURSE.
[stuttering]
IT'S NOT YOUR PURSE.
IT'S HER PURSE.
IT IS NOT.
SHE'S RIGHT.
THIS IS MINE.
YOU'RE READING MY DIARY.
NO. I'M NOT, I SWEAR.
I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING
ABOUT YOUR LOINS.
JOE HACKETT,
I'M SURPRISED AT YOU.
I-- I'M SORRY,
I DON'T KNOW
WHAT HAS GOTTEN INTO ME.
I AM JUST OBSESSED
WITH WHATEVER IT IS
YOU'RE HIDING IN THERE.
JOE, I'M NOT HIDING
ANYTHING IN HERE.
I WAS JUST TEASING YOU.
OBVIOUSLY, YOU'RE NOT
GONNA BELIEVE ME.
OK, SO LET'S JUST
TAKE A LOOK, SHALL WE?
THERE, JOE.
THERE IT ALL IS.
SEE, THERE'S ALL
MY DEEP, DARK SECRETS.
[gasping]
OH, WHAT'S THIS?
LIPSTICK.
I'M NEVER GONNA BE ABLE
TO LOOK IN YOUR FACE AGAIN.
[screaming]
WHAT'S THIS?
KEYS.
(Helen)
OH, THE SHAME OF IT.
ARE YOU THROUGH?
I DON'T KNOW, JOE.
HAVE YOU SEEN ENOUGH?
UH, OK, YOU WIN.
I DON'T WANNA
DO THIS ANYMORE.
I'M EMBARRASSED ENOUGH
THAT IT BECAME
SO IMPORTANT TO ME.
BUT NOW IT'S OVER.
GOOD, JOE.
HEY, HELEN,
WHAT'S THAT?
OH, MY GOD. I FORGOT
THAT WAS STILL IN THERE.
HEY, HEY, HELEN.
WHAT IS-- WHAT IS THAT?
NOTHING.
HELEN?
NOTHING.
HELEN.
THEY ARE A FUN COUPLE,
AREN'T THEY?
[phone ringing]
OH, KENNY, KENNY, KENNY.
JUST THE MAN I'M LOOKING FOR.
UH...
THERE'S NO EASY WAY
OF SAYING THIS.
SO, I GUESS, I'LL JUST
COME RIGHT OUT AND SAY IT.
UH, JUST GOT OFF THE PHONE
WITH YOUR MOM.
OH, YEAH?
YEAH.
AND I'M NOT GONNA BE
SEEING HER ANYMORE.
WHAT?
YEAH, WE'VE DECIDED
THAT IT JUST WOULDN'T
WORK OUT.
"WE DECIDED?"
"WE DECIDED?"
NO, NO, NO,
YOU MEAN YOU DECIDED.
I KNEW YOU'D DO THIS.
OH, NO, KENNY,
YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.
NO, NO, NO, I UNDERSTAND.
WELL, I UNDERSTAND JUST FINE.
YOU BROKE MY MOTHER'S HEART,
AND I HOPE YOU DIE.
WELL, I THINK
THAT WENT PRETTY WELL.
THANK YOU, SIR.
[bell ringing]
AHOY, MATEY,
WELCOME TO AHAB'S.
ARGH! MAY I TAKE
YOUR ORDER, PLEASE?
(Brian)
HEY, KENNY.
IT'S ME, BRIAN.
UH, I JUST
CAME TO TALK TO YOU
FOR--FOR A SECOND.
[crickets chirping]
MAY I TAKE YOUR ORDER?
UH, KENNY,
I'M REALLY NOT HUNGRY.
I JUST-- I JUST
NEED TO TALK TO YOU.
IF YOU'RE NOT GONNA ORDER,
JUST DRIVE ON THROUGH.
OH, KENNY, COME ON.
I CAN'T HEAR YOU.
SPEAK INTO THE WHALE'S
BLOWHOLE.
I DON'T WANT TO.
I DON'T KNOW
WHERE THIS WHALE'S BEEN.
YEAH. UH, A-ALL RIGHT,
YEAH, I'LL ORDER.
UH, LET ME HAVE THE,
UH, "THE FEEDING FRENZY."
DO YOU WANT FRIES
WITH THAT, SIR?
A DISH CALLED "FEEDING FRENZY"
DOESN'T COME WITH FRIES?
NO. THAT'LL BE $4.75.
DRIVE FORWARD
AND PICK UP YOUR ORDER.
[yelling]
ONE FRENZY!
[mimicking Popeye]
OH, MY GOSH.
KENNY.
KENNY, COME ON.
[stammering]
WE GOTTA TALK
ABOUT THIS NOW.
OK. NOW, LOOK,
WHEN I GO OUT
WITH A WOMAN,
I ALWAYS HOPE
IT'S GONNA WORK OUT.
OH, THAT IS SUCH A LIE.
ALL YOU CARE ABOUT,
ALL YOU WANT TO DO
IS TAKE THEM OUT,
HAVE YOUR WAY WITH THEM,
THEN DUMP THEM.
YOU DON'T CARE
ABOUT THEIR FEELINGS.
YOU KNOW, ALL YOU CARE ABOUT
IS YOURSELF
AND YOUR BASE ANIMAL NEEDS.
[bell ringing]
AHOY, MATEY,
WELCOME TO AHAB'S.
ARGH!
MAY I TAKE YOUR ORDER?
(man)
3 AHAB BURGERS
AND A LARGE MOBY SHAKE.
YOU DISGUST ME.
OK, MAKE THAT 2 BURGERS
AND A MEDIUM SHAKE.
YOU KNOW, IF I WASN'T
WORKIN' RIGHT NOW,
I'D TAKE YOU OUT BACK
AND BEAT THE SNOT
OUT OF YOU.
OH, REALLY?
DO YOU WANNA HIT ME?
WILL THAT MAKE YOU
FEEL BETTER?
I-IF YOU WANNA HIT ME,
KID,
GO, TAKE YOUR BEST SHOT.
OH.
OK, I'LL EVEN MAKE IT
EASY FOR YOU, COME ON.
[horn honking]
HEY, WOULD YOU
HOLD YOUR HORSES?
I'M TALKING HERE, OK?
COME ON, KID, COME ON,
COME ON, HIT ME. GO AHEAD.
[grunting]
SORRY TO KEEP YOU
WAITING, SIR.
YOUR ORDER WILL BE READY
IN A MINUTE.
HEY, NO PROBLEM.
TAKE YOUR TIME.
OW!
YOU DID IT.
YOU ACTUALLY DID IT.
WELL, YOU SAID I COULD.
YEAH, BUT W-WHEN PEOPLE SAY,
"GO AHEAD AND HIT ME,"
THEY DON'T ACTUALLY EXPECT
THE OTHER PERSON TO DO IT.
OH, MAN.
YOU KNOW, FOR A LITTLE GUY,
YOU GOT A PRETTY GOOD RIGHT,
YOU KNOW.
WELL,
I HAD A ROLL OF QUARTERS
IN MY HAND.
WHICH REMINDS ME,
YOU--YOU STILL OWE ME $4.75.
YEP. YEP.
I DON'T KNOW.
I'VE DONE MY BEST.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT ELSE
I CAN DO.
THANK YOU.
[exhales]
MAN.
I JUST-- I JUST WANT HER
TO FIND SOMEONE AND BE HAPPY.
WELL, THAT WILL HAPPEN.
YEAH. YEAH, SURE.
SHE KEEPS GOIN' OUT
WITH LOTS OF GUYS
BUT NONE OF THEM
EVER SEEM TO COME BACK.
I MEAN, WHAT--WHAT IS
WRONG WITH HER?
ISN'T SHE ANY FUN?
WELL, NO, KENNY,
IT'S NOT THAT.
ISN'T SHE PRETTY ENOUGH?
OH, YEAH, SHE'S PRETTY.
I MEAN, IT'S NOT THAT
EITHER--
WELL, THEN WHAT IS IT?
I MEAN,
IS IT-- IS IT 'CAUSE
SHE'S NOT SMART ENOUGH?
I MEAN,
NO--NO SENSE OF HUMOR?
BAD CLOTHES,
BAD--BAD MANNERS,
BAD POSTURE?
WHAT IS IT?
IT'S GOTTA BE SOMETHING.
NO, NO, KENNY.
IT'S NONE OF THOSE THINGS.
WELL, JUST COME ON,
TELL ME. I CAN TAKE IT.
I MEAN, JUST WHAT IS IT?
TELL ME!
ALL RIGHT, JUST--
YEAH, I'LL TELL YOU
WHAT IT IS.
YOU WANNA KNOW
WHAT IT IS?
YES!
IT IS...
IT'S ME.
IT IS. IT IS ME.
IT'S ALL ME. I--I--I CAN'T
COMMIT TO ANYTHING.
WHENEVER I MEET
A GREAT WOMAN,
LIKE YOUR MOTHER,
I JUST RUN THE OTHER WAY.
AND UNFORTUNATELY,
WHEN I'M RUNNING,
I...
I TRAMPLE
ON PEOPLE'S FEELINGS.
I'M SORRY.
LET ME GIVE YOU
A LITTLE ADVICE, BRIAN.
GROW UP.
I'M TRYING.
AND WHO KNOWS?
MAYBE SOMEDAY,
WITH A LITTLE LUCK,
I'LL BE AS SENSIBLE
AND MATURE AS YOU.
OH, WAIT A SECOND, BRIAN.
HERE'S ANOTHER MILK SHAKE.
OH, NO, YOU DON'T
HAVE TO DO THAT.
YES, I DO.
COME ON.
I SPIT IN THE OTHER ONE.
[sighing]
APPRECIATE THAT.