Wings (1990–1997): Season 2, Episode 18 - Love Means Never Having to Say Geronimo - full transcript
I NEED 2 SEATS
ON YOUR 4:15
TO BOSTON, PLEASE.
OH, OF COURSE, MR. SMITH.
IT'S SO NICE
TO SEE YOU AGAIN.
THE NAME'S BEEKMAN,
NOT SMITH.
OH, NO, IT COULDN'T BE.
I NEVER FORGET A FACE.
YOU'RE JOHN SMITH.
FOR THE LAST 3 FRIDAYS
YOU'VE BEEN FLYING TO BOSTON
WITH YOUR LOVELY WIFE, JANE.
DO YOU KNOW HIS WIFE?
I AM HIS WIFE.
HONEY, SHE'S
OBVIOUSLY CONFUSED.
WHY DON'T WE TRY
THAT AIRLINE OVER THERE?
LIKE HELL.
LET ME GUESS.
JANE IS ABOUT 5'6",
BLONDE FROM A BOTTLE
WITH A CHEST OUT TO HERE?
UH, MAYBE HERE.
YOU SAID IT WAS OVER.
YOU SAID
IT WAS ANCIENT HISTORY.
YOU HAD BETTER
GET YOURSELF
A GOOD LAWYER.
SO, A ONE TO BOSTON, THEN?
[seagulls cawing]
[siren blaring on T.V.]
HEY, JOE, YOU WANT
THE LAST POTSTICKER?
ARE POTSTICKERS
THOSE SLIMY, WHITE,
PUFFY THINGS?
(Helen)
UH-HUH.
YEAH.
ISN'T THIS WONDERFUL?
THIS IS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGHT
THAT WE'VE BEEN ALONE
SINCE WE'VE
BEEN GOING OUT.
HOW'D YOU GET RID
OF BRIAN?
MMM,
I TOLD HIM IT'D BE
A GOOD IDEA
IF HE WENT DOWNTOWN
AND GOT SOME ICE CREAM.
HE PRETTY MUCH
GOT THE HINT.
GOOD WORK.
[whistling]
WHAT ARE YOU
DOING HERE?
YOU TOLD ME TO GO
GET SOME ICE CREAM
AND I WENT AND GOT
SOME ICE CREAM.
I MEAN, YOU WERE HINTING
HARD ENOUGH, JOE, JEEZ!
OH, AND I PICKED UP
THIS GREAT, GREAT FILM.
UH--UH, BRIAN--
THE VIDEO STORE
WAS A TOTAL MADHOUSE.
I MEAN, ORDINARILY MATURE
CIVILIZED PEOPLE
WRESTLING ON THE FLOOR
OVER A COPY OF THE GOONIES.
BRIAN, WE WERE
WATCHING THIS FILM.
BRIAN, HEY...
YEAH, NO, NO, NO.
THIS IS EVEN BETTER.
THIS IS EVEN BETTER.
IT'S SAMURAI WITHOUT A NAME.
YEAH, IT'S CONSIDERED
A CLASSIC
OF THE JAPANESE CINEMA.
A FILM OF UNDERSTATED
BEAUTY AND POWER.
SINCE WHEN
DO YOU KNOW SO MUCH
ABOUT JAPANESE MOVIES?
I DON'T,
I READ IT OFF THE BOX.
BRIAN, WE WERE--
OF COURSE, THE TRUE WAY
TO ENJOY THIS
IS WITH THE SOUND OFF.
[laughing]
HOW DO YOU LIKE
MY NEW ROBE?
I GOT IT ON SALE.
IT MAKES YOU LOOK
LIKE A GIRL.
HOW DARE YOU MAKE FUN
OF MY CLOTHES?
PREPARE TO DIE.
OW!
(Helen)
HEY--
PUT THAT SABER DOWN!
BRIAN, WHY DON'T YOU, UM,
GO GET US SOME BOWLS
FOR THAT ICE CREAM?
OH, GOOD IDEA.
OK, GREAT.
YEAH.
AND WHILE I'M IN THERE,
I'LL LOOK
FOR SOME CUPS, TOO.
THEY MAKE GREAT
HORSE HOOF SOUNDS.
[Helen laughing]
YOU HAVE A CHOICE.
YOU EITHER
GET YOUR BROTHER
OUT OF HERE
OR I WILL KILL HIM
AND BURY HIM
IN A SHALLOW GRAVE
OUT BACK.
I THINK I SAW A SHOVEL
OUT IN THE GARAGE.
SOMEONE HAS TO TELL HIM
THAT WE'RE NOT
THE 3 MUSKETEERS ANYMORE.
YOU AND I ARE DATING, NOW.
OK, ALL RIGHT. OK, OK.
WHEN HE COMES BACK,
IN HERE WE'LL,
UH, TELL HIM--
OH, "WE'LL"?
NO, THERE'S NO
"WE'LL" HERE.
YOU'RE GONNA TELL HIM.
HE'S YOUR BROTHER.
AM I GONNA BE PUNISHED
FOR THAT MY WHOLE LIFE?
ALL RIGHT, OK, OK,
I'LL TELL HIM.
DID I MISS
ANY DECAPITATIONS?
NO. LISTEN, BRIAN--
AH, HERE WE ARE,
HERE'S MY FAVORITE PART.
HERE'S MY FAVORITE PART.
I'M TIRED
OF MAKING WAR.
LET'S SING!
GOOD IDEA.
I BROUGHT MY SHEET MUSIC.
IT'S IN THE KEY OF C.
ON MY DOWNBEAT.
ME AND YOU
AND A DOG NAMED BOO
LIVIN' ON THE--
BRIAN, HELEN AND I
WANT TO BE ALONE.
WHAT SAMURAI SAYS THAT?
NO, IT'S NOT THAT
WE DON'T EVER WANT
TO HANG OUT WITH YOU.
IT'S JUST THAT, UH,
WE NEED SOME TIME
TO OURSELVES.
YOU UNDERSTAND THAT.
UH, YEAH, YEAH,
YOU DON'T WANT ME AROUND.
OH, COME ON, BRIAN,
IF--IF THE TABLES
WERE TURNED
WOULD YOU WANT ME
HANGING AROUND?
OF COURSE NOT.
BUT I'M A LOT MORE FUN
THAN YOU ARE.
LOOK, IT'S JUST THAT
WE'RE IN A RELATIONSHIP NOW.
[whispering]
THIS ISN'T MY IDEA.
IT'S HELEN'S.
AND, UH,
WE NEED SOME TIME
TO OURSELVES.
[whispering]
I LIKE HAVING YOU AROUND.
BUT, I'M SORRY, BUT
THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT IS.
[whispering]
HELEN IS IN
A REALLY BAD MOOD TODAY.
DON'T GIVE ME THAT.
I BET YOU
IF I ASKED HELEN
SHE'D SAY
SHE WANTED ME TO STAY.
(Helen)
NO, SHE WOULDN'T.
LOOK, BRIAN,
YOU'RE GREAT
WITH WOMEN.
WHY DON'T YOU JUST GO OUT
AND FIND SOMEBODY NICE?
YEAH, YEAH.
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH,
YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT.
THIS--THIS MAY BE JUST
THE KICK IN THE PANTS I NEED
TO GET MY LIFE
BACK ON TRACK.
OR IT COULD MEAN YEARS
OF INTENSIVE THERAPY.
YEAH.
[door closing]
HE PROBABLY HATES ME NOW,
DOESN'T HE?
NO, NOT AT ALL.
I PRETTY MUCH
KEPT YOU OUT OF IT.
(Fay)
ANNOUNCING THE DEPARTURE
OF FLIGHT 27 TO PROVINCETOWN.
WE AT SANDPIPER AIR
REQUEST YOU PLEASE REFRAIN
FROM TAKING FLASH PICTURES
DURING TAKEOFF OR LANDING
AS THIS TEMPORARILY
BLINDS OUR PILOT.
THANK YOU.
I'M SORRY, KENNY.
BRIAN STILL HASN'T SHOWN UP.
YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO
TAKE ANOTHER FLIGHT.
OH, NO SWEAT, SIR.
I'LL, UH, JUST GET
MY GUIDANCE COUNSELOR
TO WRITE ME A PASS.
YEAH, I CAN JUST TELL HIM
I'M GOING ON A FIELD TRIP.
THINK HE'LL BUY THAT?
OH, YEAH, YEAH.
HE'LL SIGN
JUST ABOUT ANYTHING
I PUT IN FRONT OF HIM.
BY THE END OF THE DAY,
HE'S PRETTY MUCH LOADED.
GOOD.
STILL NO SIGN OF BRIAN?
NO. I'M GETTING
WORRIED ABOUT HIM.
HE DIDN'T EVEN
COME HOME LAST NIGHT.
WE MUST HAVE
REALLY HURT
HIS FEELINGS.
OH, I'M SURE
HE'LL BE OK.
YOU KNOW, THIS REMINDS ME
OF A FUNNY STORY
ABOUT MY UNCLE EMMETT.
SEEMS ONE DAY HE DISAPPEARED.
NO ONE COULD FIND HIM.
THEN SOMEBODY
HAD THE GOOD SENSE
TO LOOK INTO HIS WELL.
SURE ENOUGH, THERE HE WAS.
[laughing]
HE WAS OK?
NOPE. DEADER THAN A DOORNAIL.
HE WAS WEDGED IN THERE
PRETTY GOOD, TOO.
TOOK A TOW TRUCK WENCH
TO YANK HIM OUT.
CAME OUT A FOOT TALLER
THAN HE WENT IN.
LOWELL, THAT'S NOT
A FUNNY STORY.
THAT IS A TRAGIC,
HORRIBLE STORY.
BY GOD, YOU'RE RIGHT.
I'M GONNA
CALL THE POLICE.
MON FRERE!
BRIAN, WHERE THE HELL
HAVE YOU BEEN?
I'VE BEEN WORRIED SICK
ABOUT YOU.
AH, BEEN IN, UH, PARIS.
YEAH, RIGHT.
NO, REALLY.
'CAUSE AFTER YOU GUYS
BOOTED ME OUT LAST NIGHT
I WENT DOWN
TO THE TIN WHISTLE,
MET THIS WOMAN.
SHE HAS LED
AN INCREDIBLE LIFE,
CLIMBED THE NORTH FACE
OF THE EIGER, OK.
KAYAKED DOWN THE GANGES.
SHE EVEN COMPETED
IN THE IDITAROD
DOGSLED RACE.
SHE WOULD'VE WON
IF THAT DOG
HADN'T FROZEN.
I DON'T BELIEVE YOU.
OH, OK, SHE DEFINITELY
WOULD'VE BEEN IN THE TOP 3.
ANYWAY,
WE GOT TO TALKING, RIGHT.
NEXT THING I KNOW
I'M WINGING MY WAY TO PARIS
ON THE FAMILY JET
TO HAVE LUNCH AT LA MAZERE.
FAMILY JET?
SHE MUST BE WELL-OFF.
YOU KNOW THAT EXPRESSION
"STINKING RICH"?
WELL, "P"
AND MIGHT I SAY "U".
YOU'RE MAKING THIS UP.
HE'S MAKING THIS UP.
[people chattering]
HELLO, GORGEOUS.
COME HERE, YOU.
[moaning]
DID YOU USED TO PLAY
THE TRUMPET? NEVER MIND.
GWEN HOLMES,
THIS IS MY BROTHER, JOE
AND HELEN CHAPEL,
HIS LITTLE CROUTON.
OH, IT IS REALLY GREAT
TO MEET YOU.
I GUESS IT IS.
OH, BRIAN'S TOLD ME
SO MUCH ABOUT YOU.
I FEEL CLOSE
TO YOU BOTH ALREADY.
AND HOLD ON
TO YOUR BERETS.
HERE'S THE REALLY BIG NEWS.
GWEN AND I HAVE DECIDED
TO GET MARRIED.
YOU'RE GETTING MARRIED?
NO, YOU'RE KIDDING.
BRIAN.
OH, LISTEN,
BRIAN.
I KNOW IT'S IMPETUOUS
BUT I CANNOT HELP MYSELF.
I'VE NEVER BEEN IN LOVE
LIKE THIS BEFORE.
BRIAN AND I BELIEVE
IN FOLLOWING OUR IMPULSES
AND MY IMPULSE SAYS
MARRY THIS BIG GALOOT.
[laughing]
YOU KNOW, IT'S LIKE
MY FATHER ALWAYS SAYS,
"YOU GOTTA TAKE
A BIG BITE OUT OF LIFE
AND JUST LET THE JUICES
DRIP DOWN YOUR CHIN."
IS IT ANY WONDER
I LOVE HER?
[moaning]
OH, HOLD IT.
HOLD IT.
HOLD IT, HOLD IT,
HOLD IT, HOLD IT.
I JUST GOT
ANOTHER GUT FEELING.
OH, LISTEN UP, GUYS.
HER GUT KNOWS
WHAT IT'S TALKING ABOUT.
WE GET MARRIED
ON YOUR PLANE.
UH-HUH.
THEN, AFTER THE "I DO'S,"
WE SKYDIVE INTO
OUR LIFE TOGETHER.
OH, I LOVE THAT.
I--I LOVE THAT.
NOW, LET--LET'S--
LET'S MAKE ALL
OUR PLANS THAT WAY.
NO PLANS.
WELL, THAT IS A PLAN.
FORGET WHAT I JUST SAID.
BRIAN, CAN WE TALK
TO YOU IN MY OFFICE
FOR A SECOND?
SURE, SURE, SURE.
WHOA, CAREFUL BRIAN,
THIS IS THE PART
WHERE THEY TELL YOU
YOU'RE CRAZY
AND TRY
AND TALK YOU
OUT OF IT.
(Joe)
OH, NO, WE WOULDN'T DO THAT.
OH, OF COURSE NOT.
THEY'RE JUST GONNA
CRITICIZE YOUR LOOKS
AND DISSECT
YOUR PERSONALITY.
[both laughing]
WE WON'T BE LONG.
BRIAN, IF THIS IS
BECAUSE WE KICKED
YOU OUT LAST NIGHT
YOU'RE OVERREACTING.
NO, NO.
BRIAN, YOU CAN'T
GO THROUGH WITH THIS.
YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW HER.
HELEN, HELEN,
WORDS CANNOT DESCRIBE
HOW I FEEL.
I-IT'S-- I FEEL--
I FEEL WHOLE WITH GWEN.
LIKE THERE WAS
THIS MISSING PART OF ME
THAT I NEVER REALIZED.
WE FIT, YOU KNOW?
I GUESS WORDS
CAN DESCRIBE IT.
[knocking at door]
UH, SINCE THIS
DOES CONCERN ME,
SEEMS LIKE I OUGHT
TO BE INVOLVED
IN THE DISCUSSION.
COME ON IN,
MON PETIT CHOU.
IS IT SAFE TO ASSUME
THAT YOU'RE STILL AT THE,
"YOU HARDLY KNOW HER,
WHY NOT TAKE YOUR TIME" PART?
MMM.
LOOK, LOOK, GWEN,
I'M SURE YOU'RE REALLY
A VERY NICE PERSON.
IT'S JUST THAT--
THAT WE JUST MET
AND GETTING MARRIED
IS A BIG STEP.
WHY NOT WAIT,
SEE IF YOU'RE
COMPATIBLE FIRST?
AFTER ALL THE FOUNDATION
FOR A LASTING RELATIONSHIP,
IT TAKES TIME TO BUILD.
EXACTLY.
AH, BULL.
[Brian exclaims]
SHE NAILS HIM
WITH A HAYMAKER.
THAT'S GOTTA HURT.
GWEN, IT TAKES TIME
TO BE COMFORTABLE
IN A RELATIONSHIP.
COMFORTABLE?
YOU WANT COMFORTABLE,
YOU GET A BARCALOUNGER.
TAKE--TAKE
HELEN AND ME,
FOR EXAMPLE.
WE GOT A GREAT
RELATIONSHIP.
YEAH.
BUT IT'S TAKEN
SOME TIME TO DEVELOP.
YEAH, IT DOESN'T
HAPPEN OVERNIGHT.
WELL, HOW LONG
HAVE YOU TWO
KNOWN ONE ANOTHER?
20 YEARS.
TWEN--
Y-YOU'VE KNOWN
ONE ANOTHER
FOR 20 YEARS
AND YOU STILL
HAVEN'T MADE
A COMMITMENT?
I'M SORRY,
BUT WHAT THE HELL
ARE YOU WAITING FOR?
WELL, IT'S A LITTLE MORE
COMPLICATED THAN THAT.
YEAH, A LOT
MORE COMPLICATED.
WELL, A LITTLE
MORE COMPLICATED.
IT'S ONLY COMPLICATED
IF IT'S WRONG.
ALL RIGHT, LOOK,
LET'S GET DOWN
TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS.
WHAT IS IT THAT
YOU'RE NOT SURE ABOUT?
WELL, I--I GUESS
IT'S THAT--
W-WAIT--WAIT A--
WAIT A MINUTE.
SOMEPLACE
ALONG THE LINE, HERE,
WE SEEM TO HAVE GOTTEN OFF
THE SUBJECT AT HAND.
WHICH IS
YOU AND BRIAN.
RIGHT.
DO YOU LOVE HELEN?
WELL, LOVE IS A--
WELL, THE THING IS WHEN
YOU HAVE DEEP FEELINGS...
HELEN, DO YOU LOVE JOE?
NOW, NOW, WHAT
YOU'RE ASKING IS...
SEE, I'VE KNOWN JOE
FOR A LONG TIME,
AND JOE AND I REALIZE...
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA,
I'M SORRY, I'M SORRY.
I DIDN'T REALIZE THAT, UH,
YOU BOTH WERE SO UNSURE
OF YOUR FEELINGS
FOR ONE ANOTHER.
UNSURE OF OUR FEELINGS
FOR ONE ANOTHER? WH--
I LOVE JOE.
AND I LOVE HELEN.
YEAH.
REALLY? OR ARE YOU JUST SAYING
THAT 'CAUSE I SAID THAT?
NO, NO, REALLY.
BUT YOU NEVER
WANT TO GET MARRIED.
WE DIDN'T SAY THAT.
NO.
WE DIDN'T SAY--
YOU'RE PUTTING WORDS
IN OUR MOUTH
AND YOU'RE GETTING OFF
THE SUBJECT.
OH, SO YOU DO WANT
TO GET MARRIED?
MARRIAGE IS...
THAT-- THE--THE TRADITION
OF MARRIAGE...
HELEN?
I FIRMLY BELIEVE THAT...
[both stammering]
HERE WE GO AGAIN.
ALL RIGHT, DAMN IT.
THIS IS NOT ABOUT US.
OH, SURE IT IS.
SEE, YOU DON'T WANT
BRIAN TO GET MARRIED
BECAUSE IT CASTS DOUBT
ON YOUR OWN RELATIONSHIP.
JOE, IS THERE SOMETHING
WRONG WITH HELEN
THAT KEEPS YOU
FROM PROPOSING?
OF COURSE NOT.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?
HELEN, THERE'S NOTHING
WRONG WITH YOU.
THEN, WHY ARE YOU BOTH
SO AFRAID TO MAKE
A COMMITMENT?
I'M NOT AFRAID.
NEITHER AM I.
ALL RIGHT THEN DO IT.
BE SPONTANEOUS,
PUT THE FIRE BACK
IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP.
JOE, YOU'VE KNOWN HER
FOR 20 YEARS. YOU LOVE HER.
THERE IS NOTHING
KEEPING YOU
FROM PROPOSING.
DO YOU WANT
TO MARRY HER, JOE?
DO YOU? DO YOU?
YES! YES! YES!
OK, ALL RIGHT?
ALL RIGHT!
AND HELEN, DO YOU
WANT TO MARRY JOE?
NOW, DON'T LET HIM DOWN.
JUST, MATCH HIS FIRE
WITH YOUR OWN.
YES, I WANT TO MARRY HIM.
THAT'S GREAT!
THEN WE MAKE IT
A DOUBLE CEREMONY
ON SUNDAY.
SUNDAY, HAH!
SATURDAY!
[Brian exclaiming]
HE'S A MANIAC!
[Brian grunting]
HEY, WHAT'S THAT
ON YOUR CHIN, BROTHER?
IT'S THE JUICES OF LIFE,
BIG GUY.
HEY.
GETTING MARRIED SATURDAY.
I KNOW.
WHAT'S TODAY?
FRIDAY.
AFTERNOON.
HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT IT?
[sighing]
WELL,
YOU KNOW, I--I GUESS...
I GUESS IT'S KIND OF--
YOU KNOW--
YOU DON'T WANT
TO GET MARRIED EITHER?
NO!
OH, THANK GOD!
THANK GOD! THANK GOD!
[laughing]
YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE
SO RELIEVED, JOE.
OH, NO, HELEN.
IT'S JUST THAT, UH,
I THINK THAT WE SHOULD GO
AT OUR OWN SPEED.
TAKE IT NICE AND SLOW.
RIGHT.
I CAN'T BELIEVE
WE LET THAT WOMAN
TALK US INTO THIS.
YEAH, WE'RE NOT
GONNA GET BULLIED INTO
GETTING MARRIED BY ANYONE.
UH, BUT I THINK
WE SHOULD TELL
BRIAN AND GWEN.
YOU TELL GWEN,
I'LL TELL BRIAN.
NO, I'LL TELL BRIAN,
YOU TELL GWEN.
I DON'T WANT TO.
I'M AFRAID OF HER.
SO AM I.
ALL RIGHT, THEN WE'LL
TELL HER TOGETHER.
UH, BRIAN?
YEAH?
HAVE YOU AND GWEN
DECIDED WHERE YOU'RE GOING
ON YOUR HONEYMOON?
OH, WELL, UH,
EITHER A 24-DAY
SURVIVAL TREK
ACROSS THE KALAHARI,
OR
DISNEY WORLD.
MY, FIRST HUSBAND
GEORGE AND I HAD
AN INTERESTING HONEYMOON.
WE WENT TO PARIS
AND TO ATHENS.
THAT'S GREAT, FAY.
THAT'S NICE.
WELL, NOT EXACTLY.
WE WENT TO PARIS, ILLINOIS
AND ATHENS, OHIO.
THAT WAS GEORGE'S IDEA
OF A JOKE.
I KNEW AT THAT MOMENT
I SHOULD HAVE MARRIED
HIS BROTHER.
WELL, KID, GOOD LUCK.
[chuckles]
THESE ARE YOUR LAST
FEW MINUTES OF FREEDOM.
THANKS A LOT, ROY,
THANKS A LOT.
AND--AND I'M SORRY
WE COULDN'T INVITE YOU
TO THE WEDDING.
BUT WE RAN OUT OF SEATS
ON THE PLANE--
I'LL JUST STAND OUT
ON THE RUNWAY
AND SEE
IF YOUR CHUTES OPEN.
(Joe)
HEY, BRIAN.
WE GOT A BIG PROBLEM.
THE MINISTER JUST CALLED,
HE'S COME DOWN WITH THE FLU.
NO, NOW WHERE AM I
GONNA FIND A MINISTER
AT THE LAST MINUTE?
[clearing throat]
WELL, UH, I HAPPEN TO BE
A MINISTER IN THE CHURCH
OF UNIVERSAL HARMONY.
YOU'RE KIDDING.
NO, NO.
I SENT IN THE $25,
THEY SENT ME
A CERTIFICATE.
IT'S A TAX DODGE.
NOW, NOW, ROY, REALLY,
YOU--YOU CAN MARRY US?
OH, SURE,
FOR A SMALL DONATION.
MY CHURCH
NEEDS A NEW WATERBED.
AM I LATE FOR THE WEDDING?
LOWELL, BABY,
YOU ARE RIGHT ON TIME!
GOOD,
'CAUSE I BROUGHT THE RICE.
UH, LOWELL,
THE RICE ISN'T
SUPPOSED TO BE COOKED.
HOW DO YOU
GET IT TO STICK?
HERE THEY COME.
HERE COMES THE BRIDE
ALL DRESSED IN--
[microphone emitting feedback]
THANKS, BRO.
NO PROBLEM.
I REALLY WISH YOU
THE BEST, GWEN.
THANKS.
YOU KNOW, I--I--I'VE ALWAYS
DREAMED OF MY WEDDING DAY.
NEVER DID IT INVOLVE
WALKING DOWN THE AISLE
WITH A PARACHUTE
STRAPPED TO MY BACK.
WELL, HELEN,
YOU'VE HAD A PARACHUTE
STRAPPED TO YOUR BACK
YOUR WHOLE LIFE.
NOW, SHUT UP.
WHAT?
I'M SORRY.
UM, SOME PEOPLE CRY
AT WEDDINGS.
I GET BITCHY.
OK, WE'RE OVER
THE DROP AREA NOW.
YEAH. SORRY.
WHAT ARE THESE FOR?
UH, GWEN DECIDED LAST NIGHT
THAT WE'D INCORPORATE
SOME OF THE RITUALS
FROM THE COALACHOCTI
MARRIAGE CEREMONY.
(Gwen)
THEY'RE A STONE AGE TRIBE
I LIVED WITH
IN THE RAIN FORESTS
OF BRAZIL.
THEY BELIEVE
THAT WE ALL HAVE
AN ANIMAL SPIRIT GUIDE
THAT LEADS US
THROUGH LIFE.
H-HOY! AND I THOUGHT
MY CHURCH WAS A CROCK.
WHERE ARE YOUR MASKS?
OH, THE BRIDE AND THE GROOM
DON'T WEAR ANY.
JUST THE WEDDING PARTY.
I DON'T WANT TO BE THE FROG.
I WANT TO BE THE TIGER.
JOE, YOU CAN'T JUST CHANGE
YOUR ANIMAL SPIRIT GUIDE.
THIS IS A FUNDAMENTAL PART
OF US, THAT GOES BACK
TO THE DAY WE WERE BORN.
RIGHT, GWEN?
NAH, YOU CAN CHANGE,
IF YOU WANT.
DON'T I GET A MASK?
SURE, LOWELL.
HERE, THIS IS THE TOUCAN.
IT'S THE WISEST CREATURE
IN THE JUNGLE.
HA, DID YOU HEAR THAT?
I'M THE WISEST.
YOU HAVE IT ON
UPSIDE DOWN, DEAR.
OK, ROY,
ANY TIME YOU'RE READY.
(Roy)
UH-HUH. WE, UH,
[clearing throat]
WE--WE ARE GATHERED HERE
TO WITNESS
THE JOINING TOGETHER
OF 2 SOULS,
BRIAN MICHAEL HACKETT
AND GWENDOLYN
SUZANNE HOLMES.
UH, NOW, LET ME SEE HERE.
ACCORDING TO THE CUSTOMS
IN THE COALACHOCTI CEREMONY
THE GUESTS SHOULD OFFER
THEIR JOOJA FILLED
WITH GOAT'S MILK
OR IF THEY'RE NOT
FROM ROYAL LINEAGE
THEIR OX BLADDER
FILLED WITH RIVER STONES.
OH, NO, I FEEL LIKE
SUCH AN IDIOT.
I GOT THEM A WAFFLE IRON.
NOW, THE BRIDAL COUPLE
SHOULD MAKE PUBLIC
TO THE TRIBE
THEIR FEELINGS
FOR EACH OTHER.
I NEVER FEEL MORE ALIVE
THAN WHEN I'M WITH YOU.
I NEVER KNEW I WAS ALIVE
UNTIL I MET YOU.
[whistling]
AND NOW THE BRIDAL COUPLE
SHOULD TAKE A FEW MOMENTS
TO CONTEMPLATE
THE JOINING
OF THEIR SPIRITS
AND THE BEGINNING
OF THEIR NEW LIFE TOGETHER.
OH, GOSH!
JOE, THAT COULD BE US.
ARE YOU SORRY IT'S NOT?
I DON'T KNOW.
MAYBE.
ARE YOU?
I DON'T KNOW.
KIND OF.
IT'S NOT TOO LATE,
YOU KNOW.
WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
WILL YOU MARRY ME?
JOE! WELL, I THINK
WE SHOULD--
[stammering]
NO, NO--
FOR ONCE IN OUR LIVES,
JUST DON'T THINK.
LET'S JUST DO IT.
OH, JOE, IT IS
KIND OF SCARY.
I KNOW, BUT THAT'S WHAT
MAKES IT EXCITING.
[laughing]
OK.
WHAT? WHAT?
YES. YES.
YES?
REALLY?
YES.
UH,
REVEREND BIGGINS,
WE WANT TO GET MARRIED TOO.
OH, LOOK, IF YOU DON'T WANNA
PUT THE MASKS ON AGAIN,
JUST SAY SO.
SO WHAT DO YOU SAY ROY?
WELL, THAT, UH,
WATERBED COULD USE
SOME SATIN SHEETS.
THIS IS SO ROMANTIC.
DOES THE INSIDE
OF YOUR MASK SMELL?
AND NOW, WITH THE SPIRIT
OF THE GREAT WAHDOOBA...
OH, TO HELL WITH THIS.
HELEN, DO YOU TAKE JOE
TO BE YOUR LAWFULLY
WEDDED HUSBAND?
I DO.
(Roy)
JOE, DO YOU TAKE HELEN
TO BE YOUR
LAWFULLY WEDDED WIFE?
I DO.
GWEN, DO YOU TAKE BRIAN
TO BE YOUR LAWFULLY
WEDDED HUSBAND?
GWEN, ARE YOU--
DO YOU TAKE--
UH, HOLD IT,
HOLD IT, HOLD IT. UH.
I'M GETTING
THIS WEIRD FEELING
IN MY GUT.
I'M GETTING
A WEIRD FEELING
IN MY GUT.
SO AM I.
DID YOU HAVE HELEN'S
EGG SALAD FOR LUNCH?
SOMETHING'S NOT RIGHT HERE.
LOOK, IF I FOLLOWED
MY INSTINCTS
TO GET INTO THIS
THEN I'VE GOT
TO LISTEN TO 'EM NOW.
BRIAN, WE PLEDGED TO LIVE
OUR LIVES SPONTANEOUSLY.
WHAT IS THE MOST
SPONTANEOUS THING
WE COULD DO AT A WEDDING?
(both)
NOT GET MARRIED!
OH, I LOVE THIS WOMAN!
(Joe)
WAIT, WAIT, BRIAN,
YOU CAN'T DO THAT.
NO, DON'T-- DON'T--
YOU CAN'T WALK OUT
ON YOUR WEDDING.
THOSE STUPID SCHNOOKS,
THEY JUST DON'T GET IT.
RACE YOU TO THE GROUND.
(Joe)
DON'T-- NO!
(Helen)
GET BACK HERE!
ANYWAY, BY THE POWER
VESTED IN ME
BY THE COMMONWEALTH
OF MASSACHUSETTS--
H-H-HOLD IT.
HOLD IT, HOLD IT.
HELEN?
ME, EITHER.
NEVER MIND.
YOU KNOW, MY MASK
IS STARTING TO SMELL.
NOT BAD, HUH?
HMM, WELL, THIS HAS BEEN
A FULL DAY.
IT HAS, HASN'T IT?
JOE, WAS GWEN RIGHT
ABOUT OUR RELATIONSHIP?
IS OUR RELATIONSHIP
(both)
PREDICTABLE?
NO WAY. LOOK AT TONIGHT.
WE WERE GONNA
ORDER CHINESE FOOD
AND AT THE LAST MINUTE
PIZZA.
[laughing]
IS THAT THE ACT
OF A PREDICTABLE COUPLE?
YOU'RE RIGHT.
I'M SORRY I DOUBTED US.
[sighing]
OH, BOY!
HMM, JUST GOT
OFF THE PHONE
WITH GWEN.
SHE IS AN INCREDIBLE WOMAN.
SHE'S ALREADY ON HER WAY
TO KATMANDU
TO GO BUNGEE JUMPING.
YOU OK, BRIAN?
OH, YEAH, YEAH,
I'M FINE, I'M FINE.
HEY, WE'LL ALWAYS
HAVE PARIS, HUH?
HEY, WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
I'M GONNA GO DOWN
TO THE TIN WHISTLE.
LEAVE YOU 2 GUYS ALONE--
OH, NO, YOU DON'T.
COME ON.
SIT DOWN. THE LAST TIME
YOU WENT OUT FOR A DRINK,
WE ALMOST GOT MARRIED.
(Brian)
NO, NO, NO, NO.
OK, COME ON, BRIAN,
YOU CAN'T GO NOW, LOOK,
WE'RE JUST ABOUT TO START
SAMURAI THEATER.
OH, I'M NOT IN THE MOOD.
I DON'T WANNA...
HERE IT IS. LOOK.
I HAVE A SWORD.
I HAVE A SWORD
AND I'M GOING
TO STAB YOU WITH IT!
OH, YEAH?
YEAH.
[laughing]
HEY, WE'RE GOOD AT THIS.
YOU'RE MAKING
A MOCKERY OF MY ART.
[door closing]
NOW WATCH THE MASTER.
ROW, ROW, ROW YOUR BOAT
GENTLY DOWN THE STREAM
OTHER SIDE!
ROW, ROW,
ROW YOUR BOAT
YOU, WITH THE PONYTAIL,
YOU'RE NOT SINGING.
(Brian using multiple voices)
THIS IS THE LAST TIME,
I BOOK A DISCOUNT CRUISE.
AH, QUIT YOUR COMPLAINING.
WE GOT THE LIDO DECK,
ARE THOSE STEAKS TENDER, YET?
ALMOST.
HEY, I GOT A JOKE FOR YOU.
OH, THIS OUGHT TO BE FUNNY.
WENT TO MY DENTIST
THE OTHER DAY,
I SAID, "DOC,
MY TEETH ARE YELLOW."
HE SAID,
"SO WEAR A BROWN TIE."
WELL, HE'S NO
HENNY YOUNGMAN.
ON YOUR 4:15
TO BOSTON, PLEASE.
OH, OF COURSE, MR. SMITH.
IT'S SO NICE
TO SEE YOU AGAIN.
THE NAME'S BEEKMAN,
NOT SMITH.
OH, NO, IT COULDN'T BE.
I NEVER FORGET A FACE.
YOU'RE JOHN SMITH.
FOR THE LAST 3 FRIDAYS
YOU'VE BEEN FLYING TO BOSTON
WITH YOUR LOVELY WIFE, JANE.
DO YOU KNOW HIS WIFE?
I AM HIS WIFE.
HONEY, SHE'S
OBVIOUSLY CONFUSED.
WHY DON'T WE TRY
THAT AIRLINE OVER THERE?
LIKE HELL.
LET ME GUESS.
JANE IS ABOUT 5'6",
BLONDE FROM A BOTTLE
WITH A CHEST OUT TO HERE?
UH, MAYBE HERE.
YOU SAID IT WAS OVER.
YOU SAID
IT WAS ANCIENT HISTORY.
YOU HAD BETTER
GET YOURSELF
A GOOD LAWYER.
SO, A ONE TO BOSTON, THEN?
[seagulls cawing]
[siren blaring on T.V.]
HEY, JOE, YOU WANT
THE LAST POTSTICKER?
ARE POTSTICKERS
THOSE SLIMY, WHITE,
PUFFY THINGS?
(Helen)
UH-HUH.
YEAH.
ISN'T THIS WONDERFUL?
THIS IS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGHT
THAT WE'VE BEEN ALONE
SINCE WE'VE
BEEN GOING OUT.
HOW'D YOU GET RID
OF BRIAN?
MMM,
I TOLD HIM IT'D BE
A GOOD IDEA
IF HE WENT DOWNTOWN
AND GOT SOME ICE CREAM.
HE PRETTY MUCH
GOT THE HINT.
GOOD WORK.
[whistling]
WHAT ARE YOU
DOING HERE?
YOU TOLD ME TO GO
GET SOME ICE CREAM
AND I WENT AND GOT
SOME ICE CREAM.
I MEAN, YOU WERE HINTING
HARD ENOUGH, JOE, JEEZ!
OH, AND I PICKED UP
THIS GREAT, GREAT FILM.
UH--UH, BRIAN--
THE VIDEO STORE
WAS A TOTAL MADHOUSE.
I MEAN, ORDINARILY MATURE
CIVILIZED PEOPLE
WRESTLING ON THE FLOOR
OVER A COPY OF THE GOONIES.
BRIAN, WE WERE
WATCHING THIS FILM.
BRIAN, HEY...
YEAH, NO, NO, NO.
THIS IS EVEN BETTER.
THIS IS EVEN BETTER.
IT'S SAMURAI WITHOUT A NAME.
YEAH, IT'S CONSIDERED
A CLASSIC
OF THE JAPANESE CINEMA.
A FILM OF UNDERSTATED
BEAUTY AND POWER.
SINCE WHEN
DO YOU KNOW SO MUCH
ABOUT JAPANESE MOVIES?
I DON'T,
I READ IT OFF THE BOX.
BRIAN, WE WERE--
OF COURSE, THE TRUE WAY
TO ENJOY THIS
IS WITH THE SOUND OFF.
[laughing]
HOW DO YOU LIKE
MY NEW ROBE?
I GOT IT ON SALE.
IT MAKES YOU LOOK
LIKE A GIRL.
HOW DARE YOU MAKE FUN
OF MY CLOTHES?
PREPARE TO DIE.
OW!
(Helen)
HEY--
PUT THAT SABER DOWN!
BRIAN, WHY DON'T YOU, UM,
GO GET US SOME BOWLS
FOR THAT ICE CREAM?
OH, GOOD IDEA.
OK, GREAT.
YEAH.
AND WHILE I'M IN THERE,
I'LL LOOK
FOR SOME CUPS, TOO.
THEY MAKE GREAT
HORSE HOOF SOUNDS.
[Helen laughing]
YOU HAVE A CHOICE.
YOU EITHER
GET YOUR BROTHER
OUT OF HERE
OR I WILL KILL HIM
AND BURY HIM
IN A SHALLOW GRAVE
OUT BACK.
I THINK I SAW A SHOVEL
OUT IN THE GARAGE.
SOMEONE HAS TO TELL HIM
THAT WE'RE NOT
THE 3 MUSKETEERS ANYMORE.
YOU AND I ARE DATING, NOW.
OK, ALL RIGHT. OK, OK.
WHEN HE COMES BACK,
IN HERE WE'LL,
UH, TELL HIM--
OH, "WE'LL"?
NO, THERE'S NO
"WE'LL" HERE.
YOU'RE GONNA TELL HIM.
HE'S YOUR BROTHER.
AM I GONNA BE PUNISHED
FOR THAT MY WHOLE LIFE?
ALL RIGHT, OK, OK,
I'LL TELL HIM.
DID I MISS
ANY DECAPITATIONS?
NO. LISTEN, BRIAN--
AH, HERE WE ARE,
HERE'S MY FAVORITE PART.
HERE'S MY FAVORITE PART.
I'M TIRED
OF MAKING WAR.
LET'S SING!
GOOD IDEA.
I BROUGHT MY SHEET MUSIC.
IT'S IN THE KEY OF C.
ON MY DOWNBEAT.
ME AND YOU
AND A DOG NAMED BOO
LIVIN' ON THE--
BRIAN, HELEN AND I
WANT TO BE ALONE.
WHAT SAMURAI SAYS THAT?
NO, IT'S NOT THAT
WE DON'T EVER WANT
TO HANG OUT WITH YOU.
IT'S JUST THAT, UH,
WE NEED SOME TIME
TO OURSELVES.
YOU UNDERSTAND THAT.
UH, YEAH, YEAH,
YOU DON'T WANT ME AROUND.
OH, COME ON, BRIAN,
IF--IF THE TABLES
WERE TURNED
WOULD YOU WANT ME
HANGING AROUND?
OF COURSE NOT.
BUT I'M A LOT MORE FUN
THAN YOU ARE.
LOOK, IT'S JUST THAT
WE'RE IN A RELATIONSHIP NOW.
[whispering]
THIS ISN'T MY IDEA.
IT'S HELEN'S.
AND, UH,
WE NEED SOME TIME
TO OURSELVES.
[whispering]
I LIKE HAVING YOU AROUND.
BUT, I'M SORRY, BUT
THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT IS.
[whispering]
HELEN IS IN
A REALLY BAD MOOD TODAY.
DON'T GIVE ME THAT.
I BET YOU
IF I ASKED HELEN
SHE'D SAY
SHE WANTED ME TO STAY.
(Helen)
NO, SHE WOULDN'T.
LOOK, BRIAN,
YOU'RE GREAT
WITH WOMEN.
WHY DON'T YOU JUST GO OUT
AND FIND SOMEBODY NICE?
YEAH, YEAH.
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH,
YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT.
THIS--THIS MAY BE JUST
THE KICK IN THE PANTS I NEED
TO GET MY LIFE
BACK ON TRACK.
OR IT COULD MEAN YEARS
OF INTENSIVE THERAPY.
YEAH.
[door closing]
HE PROBABLY HATES ME NOW,
DOESN'T HE?
NO, NOT AT ALL.
I PRETTY MUCH
KEPT YOU OUT OF IT.
(Fay)
ANNOUNCING THE DEPARTURE
OF FLIGHT 27 TO PROVINCETOWN.
WE AT SANDPIPER AIR
REQUEST YOU PLEASE REFRAIN
FROM TAKING FLASH PICTURES
DURING TAKEOFF OR LANDING
AS THIS TEMPORARILY
BLINDS OUR PILOT.
THANK YOU.
I'M SORRY, KENNY.
BRIAN STILL HASN'T SHOWN UP.
YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO
TAKE ANOTHER FLIGHT.
OH, NO SWEAT, SIR.
I'LL, UH, JUST GET
MY GUIDANCE COUNSELOR
TO WRITE ME A PASS.
YEAH, I CAN JUST TELL HIM
I'M GOING ON A FIELD TRIP.
THINK HE'LL BUY THAT?
OH, YEAH, YEAH.
HE'LL SIGN
JUST ABOUT ANYTHING
I PUT IN FRONT OF HIM.
BY THE END OF THE DAY,
HE'S PRETTY MUCH LOADED.
GOOD.
STILL NO SIGN OF BRIAN?
NO. I'M GETTING
WORRIED ABOUT HIM.
HE DIDN'T EVEN
COME HOME LAST NIGHT.
WE MUST HAVE
REALLY HURT
HIS FEELINGS.
OH, I'M SURE
HE'LL BE OK.
YOU KNOW, THIS REMINDS ME
OF A FUNNY STORY
ABOUT MY UNCLE EMMETT.
SEEMS ONE DAY HE DISAPPEARED.
NO ONE COULD FIND HIM.
THEN SOMEBODY
HAD THE GOOD SENSE
TO LOOK INTO HIS WELL.
SURE ENOUGH, THERE HE WAS.
[laughing]
HE WAS OK?
NOPE. DEADER THAN A DOORNAIL.
HE WAS WEDGED IN THERE
PRETTY GOOD, TOO.
TOOK A TOW TRUCK WENCH
TO YANK HIM OUT.
CAME OUT A FOOT TALLER
THAN HE WENT IN.
LOWELL, THAT'S NOT
A FUNNY STORY.
THAT IS A TRAGIC,
HORRIBLE STORY.
BY GOD, YOU'RE RIGHT.
I'M GONNA
CALL THE POLICE.
MON FRERE!
BRIAN, WHERE THE HELL
HAVE YOU BEEN?
I'VE BEEN WORRIED SICK
ABOUT YOU.
AH, BEEN IN, UH, PARIS.
YEAH, RIGHT.
NO, REALLY.
'CAUSE AFTER YOU GUYS
BOOTED ME OUT LAST NIGHT
I WENT DOWN
TO THE TIN WHISTLE,
MET THIS WOMAN.
SHE HAS LED
AN INCREDIBLE LIFE,
CLIMBED THE NORTH FACE
OF THE EIGER, OK.
KAYAKED DOWN THE GANGES.
SHE EVEN COMPETED
IN THE IDITAROD
DOGSLED RACE.
SHE WOULD'VE WON
IF THAT DOG
HADN'T FROZEN.
I DON'T BELIEVE YOU.
OH, OK, SHE DEFINITELY
WOULD'VE BEEN IN THE TOP 3.
ANYWAY,
WE GOT TO TALKING, RIGHT.
NEXT THING I KNOW
I'M WINGING MY WAY TO PARIS
ON THE FAMILY JET
TO HAVE LUNCH AT LA MAZERE.
FAMILY JET?
SHE MUST BE WELL-OFF.
YOU KNOW THAT EXPRESSION
"STINKING RICH"?
WELL, "P"
AND MIGHT I SAY "U".
YOU'RE MAKING THIS UP.
HE'S MAKING THIS UP.
[people chattering]
HELLO, GORGEOUS.
COME HERE, YOU.
[moaning]
DID YOU USED TO PLAY
THE TRUMPET? NEVER MIND.
GWEN HOLMES,
THIS IS MY BROTHER, JOE
AND HELEN CHAPEL,
HIS LITTLE CROUTON.
OH, IT IS REALLY GREAT
TO MEET YOU.
I GUESS IT IS.
OH, BRIAN'S TOLD ME
SO MUCH ABOUT YOU.
I FEEL CLOSE
TO YOU BOTH ALREADY.
AND HOLD ON
TO YOUR BERETS.
HERE'S THE REALLY BIG NEWS.
GWEN AND I HAVE DECIDED
TO GET MARRIED.
YOU'RE GETTING MARRIED?
NO, YOU'RE KIDDING.
BRIAN.
OH, LISTEN,
BRIAN.
I KNOW IT'S IMPETUOUS
BUT I CANNOT HELP MYSELF.
I'VE NEVER BEEN IN LOVE
LIKE THIS BEFORE.
BRIAN AND I BELIEVE
IN FOLLOWING OUR IMPULSES
AND MY IMPULSE SAYS
MARRY THIS BIG GALOOT.
[laughing]
YOU KNOW, IT'S LIKE
MY FATHER ALWAYS SAYS,
"YOU GOTTA TAKE
A BIG BITE OUT OF LIFE
AND JUST LET THE JUICES
DRIP DOWN YOUR CHIN."
IS IT ANY WONDER
I LOVE HER?
[moaning]
OH, HOLD IT.
HOLD IT.
HOLD IT, HOLD IT,
HOLD IT, HOLD IT.
I JUST GOT
ANOTHER GUT FEELING.
OH, LISTEN UP, GUYS.
HER GUT KNOWS
WHAT IT'S TALKING ABOUT.
WE GET MARRIED
ON YOUR PLANE.
UH-HUH.
THEN, AFTER THE "I DO'S,"
WE SKYDIVE INTO
OUR LIFE TOGETHER.
OH, I LOVE THAT.
I--I LOVE THAT.
NOW, LET--LET'S--
LET'S MAKE ALL
OUR PLANS THAT WAY.
NO PLANS.
WELL, THAT IS A PLAN.
FORGET WHAT I JUST SAID.
BRIAN, CAN WE TALK
TO YOU IN MY OFFICE
FOR A SECOND?
SURE, SURE, SURE.
WHOA, CAREFUL BRIAN,
THIS IS THE PART
WHERE THEY TELL YOU
YOU'RE CRAZY
AND TRY
AND TALK YOU
OUT OF IT.
(Joe)
OH, NO, WE WOULDN'T DO THAT.
OH, OF COURSE NOT.
THEY'RE JUST GONNA
CRITICIZE YOUR LOOKS
AND DISSECT
YOUR PERSONALITY.
[both laughing]
WE WON'T BE LONG.
BRIAN, IF THIS IS
BECAUSE WE KICKED
YOU OUT LAST NIGHT
YOU'RE OVERREACTING.
NO, NO.
BRIAN, YOU CAN'T
GO THROUGH WITH THIS.
YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW HER.
HELEN, HELEN,
WORDS CANNOT DESCRIBE
HOW I FEEL.
I-IT'S-- I FEEL--
I FEEL WHOLE WITH GWEN.
LIKE THERE WAS
THIS MISSING PART OF ME
THAT I NEVER REALIZED.
WE FIT, YOU KNOW?
I GUESS WORDS
CAN DESCRIBE IT.
[knocking at door]
UH, SINCE THIS
DOES CONCERN ME,
SEEMS LIKE I OUGHT
TO BE INVOLVED
IN THE DISCUSSION.
COME ON IN,
MON PETIT CHOU.
IS IT SAFE TO ASSUME
THAT YOU'RE STILL AT THE,
"YOU HARDLY KNOW HER,
WHY NOT TAKE YOUR TIME" PART?
MMM.
LOOK, LOOK, GWEN,
I'M SURE YOU'RE REALLY
A VERY NICE PERSON.
IT'S JUST THAT--
THAT WE JUST MET
AND GETTING MARRIED
IS A BIG STEP.
WHY NOT WAIT,
SEE IF YOU'RE
COMPATIBLE FIRST?
AFTER ALL THE FOUNDATION
FOR A LASTING RELATIONSHIP,
IT TAKES TIME TO BUILD.
EXACTLY.
AH, BULL.
[Brian exclaims]
SHE NAILS HIM
WITH A HAYMAKER.
THAT'S GOTTA HURT.
GWEN, IT TAKES TIME
TO BE COMFORTABLE
IN A RELATIONSHIP.
COMFORTABLE?
YOU WANT COMFORTABLE,
YOU GET A BARCALOUNGER.
TAKE--TAKE
HELEN AND ME,
FOR EXAMPLE.
WE GOT A GREAT
RELATIONSHIP.
YEAH.
BUT IT'S TAKEN
SOME TIME TO DEVELOP.
YEAH, IT DOESN'T
HAPPEN OVERNIGHT.
WELL, HOW LONG
HAVE YOU TWO
KNOWN ONE ANOTHER?
20 YEARS.
TWEN--
Y-YOU'VE KNOWN
ONE ANOTHER
FOR 20 YEARS
AND YOU STILL
HAVEN'T MADE
A COMMITMENT?
I'M SORRY,
BUT WHAT THE HELL
ARE YOU WAITING FOR?
WELL, IT'S A LITTLE MORE
COMPLICATED THAN THAT.
YEAH, A LOT
MORE COMPLICATED.
WELL, A LITTLE
MORE COMPLICATED.
IT'S ONLY COMPLICATED
IF IT'S WRONG.
ALL RIGHT, LOOK,
LET'S GET DOWN
TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS.
WHAT IS IT THAT
YOU'RE NOT SURE ABOUT?
WELL, I--I GUESS
IT'S THAT--
W-WAIT--WAIT A--
WAIT A MINUTE.
SOMEPLACE
ALONG THE LINE, HERE,
WE SEEM TO HAVE GOTTEN OFF
THE SUBJECT AT HAND.
WHICH IS
YOU AND BRIAN.
RIGHT.
DO YOU LOVE HELEN?
WELL, LOVE IS A--
WELL, THE THING IS WHEN
YOU HAVE DEEP FEELINGS...
HELEN, DO YOU LOVE JOE?
NOW, NOW, WHAT
YOU'RE ASKING IS...
SEE, I'VE KNOWN JOE
FOR A LONG TIME,
AND JOE AND I REALIZE...
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA,
I'M SORRY, I'M SORRY.
I DIDN'T REALIZE THAT, UH,
YOU BOTH WERE SO UNSURE
OF YOUR FEELINGS
FOR ONE ANOTHER.
UNSURE OF OUR FEELINGS
FOR ONE ANOTHER? WH--
I LOVE JOE.
AND I LOVE HELEN.
YEAH.
REALLY? OR ARE YOU JUST SAYING
THAT 'CAUSE I SAID THAT?
NO, NO, REALLY.
BUT YOU NEVER
WANT TO GET MARRIED.
WE DIDN'T SAY THAT.
NO.
WE DIDN'T SAY--
YOU'RE PUTTING WORDS
IN OUR MOUTH
AND YOU'RE GETTING OFF
THE SUBJECT.
OH, SO YOU DO WANT
TO GET MARRIED?
MARRIAGE IS...
THAT-- THE--THE TRADITION
OF MARRIAGE...
HELEN?
I FIRMLY BELIEVE THAT...
[both stammering]
HERE WE GO AGAIN.
ALL RIGHT, DAMN IT.
THIS IS NOT ABOUT US.
OH, SURE IT IS.
SEE, YOU DON'T WANT
BRIAN TO GET MARRIED
BECAUSE IT CASTS DOUBT
ON YOUR OWN RELATIONSHIP.
JOE, IS THERE SOMETHING
WRONG WITH HELEN
THAT KEEPS YOU
FROM PROPOSING?
OF COURSE NOT.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?
HELEN, THERE'S NOTHING
WRONG WITH YOU.
THEN, WHY ARE YOU BOTH
SO AFRAID TO MAKE
A COMMITMENT?
I'M NOT AFRAID.
NEITHER AM I.
ALL RIGHT THEN DO IT.
BE SPONTANEOUS,
PUT THE FIRE BACK
IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP.
JOE, YOU'VE KNOWN HER
FOR 20 YEARS. YOU LOVE HER.
THERE IS NOTHING
KEEPING YOU
FROM PROPOSING.
DO YOU WANT
TO MARRY HER, JOE?
DO YOU? DO YOU?
YES! YES! YES!
OK, ALL RIGHT?
ALL RIGHT!
AND HELEN, DO YOU
WANT TO MARRY JOE?
NOW, DON'T LET HIM DOWN.
JUST, MATCH HIS FIRE
WITH YOUR OWN.
YES, I WANT TO MARRY HIM.
THAT'S GREAT!
THEN WE MAKE IT
A DOUBLE CEREMONY
ON SUNDAY.
SUNDAY, HAH!
SATURDAY!
[Brian exclaiming]
HE'S A MANIAC!
[Brian grunting]
HEY, WHAT'S THAT
ON YOUR CHIN, BROTHER?
IT'S THE JUICES OF LIFE,
BIG GUY.
HEY.
GETTING MARRIED SATURDAY.
I KNOW.
WHAT'S TODAY?
FRIDAY.
AFTERNOON.
HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT IT?
[sighing]
WELL,
YOU KNOW, I--I GUESS...
I GUESS IT'S KIND OF--
YOU KNOW--
YOU DON'T WANT
TO GET MARRIED EITHER?
NO!
OH, THANK GOD!
THANK GOD! THANK GOD!
[laughing]
YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE
SO RELIEVED, JOE.
OH, NO, HELEN.
IT'S JUST THAT, UH,
I THINK THAT WE SHOULD GO
AT OUR OWN SPEED.
TAKE IT NICE AND SLOW.
RIGHT.
I CAN'T BELIEVE
WE LET THAT WOMAN
TALK US INTO THIS.
YEAH, WE'RE NOT
GONNA GET BULLIED INTO
GETTING MARRIED BY ANYONE.
UH, BUT I THINK
WE SHOULD TELL
BRIAN AND GWEN.
YOU TELL GWEN,
I'LL TELL BRIAN.
NO, I'LL TELL BRIAN,
YOU TELL GWEN.
I DON'T WANT TO.
I'M AFRAID OF HER.
SO AM I.
ALL RIGHT, THEN WE'LL
TELL HER TOGETHER.
UH, BRIAN?
YEAH?
HAVE YOU AND GWEN
DECIDED WHERE YOU'RE GOING
ON YOUR HONEYMOON?
OH, WELL, UH,
EITHER A 24-DAY
SURVIVAL TREK
ACROSS THE KALAHARI,
OR
DISNEY WORLD.
MY, FIRST HUSBAND
GEORGE AND I HAD
AN INTERESTING HONEYMOON.
WE WENT TO PARIS
AND TO ATHENS.
THAT'S GREAT, FAY.
THAT'S NICE.
WELL, NOT EXACTLY.
WE WENT TO PARIS, ILLINOIS
AND ATHENS, OHIO.
THAT WAS GEORGE'S IDEA
OF A JOKE.
I KNEW AT THAT MOMENT
I SHOULD HAVE MARRIED
HIS BROTHER.
WELL, KID, GOOD LUCK.
[chuckles]
THESE ARE YOUR LAST
FEW MINUTES OF FREEDOM.
THANKS A LOT, ROY,
THANKS A LOT.
AND--AND I'M SORRY
WE COULDN'T INVITE YOU
TO THE WEDDING.
BUT WE RAN OUT OF SEATS
ON THE PLANE--
I'LL JUST STAND OUT
ON THE RUNWAY
AND SEE
IF YOUR CHUTES OPEN.
(Joe)
HEY, BRIAN.
WE GOT A BIG PROBLEM.
THE MINISTER JUST CALLED,
HE'S COME DOWN WITH THE FLU.
NO, NOW WHERE AM I
GONNA FIND A MINISTER
AT THE LAST MINUTE?
[clearing throat]
WELL, UH, I HAPPEN TO BE
A MINISTER IN THE CHURCH
OF UNIVERSAL HARMONY.
YOU'RE KIDDING.
NO, NO.
I SENT IN THE $25,
THEY SENT ME
A CERTIFICATE.
IT'S A TAX DODGE.
NOW, NOW, ROY, REALLY,
YOU--YOU CAN MARRY US?
OH, SURE,
FOR A SMALL DONATION.
MY CHURCH
NEEDS A NEW WATERBED.
AM I LATE FOR THE WEDDING?
LOWELL, BABY,
YOU ARE RIGHT ON TIME!
GOOD,
'CAUSE I BROUGHT THE RICE.
UH, LOWELL,
THE RICE ISN'T
SUPPOSED TO BE COOKED.
HOW DO YOU
GET IT TO STICK?
HERE THEY COME.
HERE COMES THE BRIDE
ALL DRESSED IN--
[microphone emitting feedback]
THANKS, BRO.
NO PROBLEM.
I REALLY WISH YOU
THE BEST, GWEN.
THANKS.
YOU KNOW, I--I--I'VE ALWAYS
DREAMED OF MY WEDDING DAY.
NEVER DID IT INVOLVE
WALKING DOWN THE AISLE
WITH A PARACHUTE
STRAPPED TO MY BACK.
WELL, HELEN,
YOU'VE HAD A PARACHUTE
STRAPPED TO YOUR BACK
YOUR WHOLE LIFE.
NOW, SHUT UP.
WHAT?
I'M SORRY.
UM, SOME PEOPLE CRY
AT WEDDINGS.
I GET BITCHY.
OK, WE'RE OVER
THE DROP AREA NOW.
YEAH. SORRY.
WHAT ARE THESE FOR?
UH, GWEN DECIDED LAST NIGHT
THAT WE'D INCORPORATE
SOME OF THE RITUALS
FROM THE COALACHOCTI
MARRIAGE CEREMONY.
(Gwen)
THEY'RE A STONE AGE TRIBE
I LIVED WITH
IN THE RAIN FORESTS
OF BRAZIL.
THEY BELIEVE
THAT WE ALL HAVE
AN ANIMAL SPIRIT GUIDE
THAT LEADS US
THROUGH LIFE.
H-HOY! AND I THOUGHT
MY CHURCH WAS A CROCK.
WHERE ARE YOUR MASKS?
OH, THE BRIDE AND THE GROOM
DON'T WEAR ANY.
JUST THE WEDDING PARTY.
I DON'T WANT TO BE THE FROG.
I WANT TO BE THE TIGER.
JOE, YOU CAN'T JUST CHANGE
YOUR ANIMAL SPIRIT GUIDE.
THIS IS A FUNDAMENTAL PART
OF US, THAT GOES BACK
TO THE DAY WE WERE BORN.
RIGHT, GWEN?
NAH, YOU CAN CHANGE,
IF YOU WANT.
DON'T I GET A MASK?
SURE, LOWELL.
HERE, THIS IS THE TOUCAN.
IT'S THE WISEST CREATURE
IN THE JUNGLE.
HA, DID YOU HEAR THAT?
I'M THE WISEST.
YOU HAVE IT ON
UPSIDE DOWN, DEAR.
OK, ROY,
ANY TIME YOU'RE READY.
(Roy)
UH-HUH. WE, UH,
[clearing throat]
WE--WE ARE GATHERED HERE
TO WITNESS
THE JOINING TOGETHER
OF 2 SOULS,
BRIAN MICHAEL HACKETT
AND GWENDOLYN
SUZANNE HOLMES.
UH, NOW, LET ME SEE HERE.
ACCORDING TO THE CUSTOMS
IN THE COALACHOCTI CEREMONY
THE GUESTS SHOULD OFFER
THEIR JOOJA FILLED
WITH GOAT'S MILK
OR IF THEY'RE NOT
FROM ROYAL LINEAGE
THEIR OX BLADDER
FILLED WITH RIVER STONES.
OH, NO, I FEEL LIKE
SUCH AN IDIOT.
I GOT THEM A WAFFLE IRON.
NOW, THE BRIDAL COUPLE
SHOULD MAKE PUBLIC
TO THE TRIBE
THEIR FEELINGS
FOR EACH OTHER.
I NEVER FEEL MORE ALIVE
THAN WHEN I'M WITH YOU.
I NEVER KNEW I WAS ALIVE
UNTIL I MET YOU.
[whistling]
AND NOW THE BRIDAL COUPLE
SHOULD TAKE A FEW MOMENTS
TO CONTEMPLATE
THE JOINING
OF THEIR SPIRITS
AND THE BEGINNING
OF THEIR NEW LIFE TOGETHER.
OH, GOSH!
JOE, THAT COULD BE US.
ARE YOU SORRY IT'S NOT?
I DON'T KNOW.
MAYBE.
ARE YOU?
I DON'T KNOW.
KIND OF.
IT'S NOT TOO LATE,
YOU KNOW.
WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
WILL YOU MARRY ME?
JOE! WELL, I THINK
WE SHOULD--
[stammering]
NO, NO--
FOR ONCE IN OUR LIVES,
JUST DON'T THINK.
LET'S JUST DO IT.
OH, JOE, IT IS
KIND OF SCARY.
I KNOW, BUT THAT'S WHAT
MAKES IT EXCITING.
[laughing]
OK.
WHAT? WHAT?
YES. YES.
YES?
REALLY?
YES.
UH,
REVEREND BIGGINS,
WE WANT TO GET MARRIED TOO.
OH, LOOK, IF YOU DON'T WANNA
PUT THE MASKS ON AGAIN,
JUST SAY SO.
SO WHAT DO YOU SAY ROY?
WELL, THAT, UH,
WATERBED COULD USE
SOME SATIN SHEETS.
THIS IS SO ROMANTIC.
DOES THE INSIDE
OF YOUR MASK SMELL?
AND NOW, WITH THE SPIRIT
OF THE GREAT WAHDOOBA...
OH, TO HELL WITH THIS.
HELEN, DO YOU TAKE JOE
TO BE YOUR LAWFULLY
WEDDED HUSBAND?
I DO.
(Roy)
JOE, DO YOU TAKE HELEN
TO BE YOUR
LAWFULLY WEDDED WIFE?
I DO.
GWEN, DO YOU TAKE BRIAN
TO BE YOUR LAWFULLY
WEDDED HUSBAND?
GWEN, ARE YOU--
DO YOU TAKE--
UH, HOLD IT,
HOLD IT, HOLD IT. UH.
I'M GETTING
THIS WEIRD FEELING
IN MY GUT.
I'M GETTING
A WEIRD FEELING
IN MY GUT.
SO AM I.
DID YOU HAVE HELEN'S
EGG SALAD FOR LUNCH?
SOMETHING'S NOT RIGHT HERE.
LOOK, IF I FOLLOWED
MY INSTINCTS
TO GET INTO THIS
THEN I'VE GOT
TO LISTEN TO 'EM NOW.
BRIAN, WE PLEDGED TO LIVE
OUR LIVES SPONTANEOUSLY.
WHAT IS THE MOST
SPONTANEOUS THING
WE COULD DO AT A WEDDING?
(both)
NOT GET MARRIED!
OH, I LOVE THIS WOMAN!
(Joe)
WAIT, WAIT, BRIAN,
YOU CAN'T DO THAT.
NO, DON'T-- DON'T--
YOU CAN'T WALK OUT
ON YOUR WEDDING.
THOSE STUPID SCHNOOKS,
THEY JUST DON'T GET IT.
RACE YOU TO THE GROUND.
(Joe)
DON'T-- NO!
(Helen)
GET BACK HERE!
ANYWAY, BY THE POWER
VESTED IN ME
BY THE COMMONWEALTH
OF MASSACHUSETTS--
H-H-HOLD IT.
HOLD IT, HOLD IT.
HELEN?
ME, EITHER.
NEVER MIND.
YOU KNOW, MY MASK
IS STARTING TO SMELL.
NOT BAD, HUH?
HMM, WELL, THIS HAS BEEN
A FULL DAY.
IT HAS, HASN'T IT?
JOE, WAS GWEN RIGHT
ABOUT OUR RELATIONSHIP?
IS OUR RELATIONSHIP
(both)
PREDICTABLE?
NO WAY. LOOK AT TONIGHT.
WE WERE GONNA
ORDER CHINESE FOOD
AND AT THE LAST MINUTE
PIZZA.
[laughing]
IS THAT THE ACT
OF A PREDICTABLE COUPLE?
YOU'RE RIGHT.
I'M SORRY I DOUBTED US.
[sighing]
OH, BOY!
HMM, JUST GOT
OFF THE PHONE
WITH GWEN.
SHE IS AN INCREDIBLE WOMAN.
SHE'S ALREADY ON HER WAY
TO KATMANDU
TO GO BUNGEE JUMPING.
YOU OK, BRIAN?
OH, YEAH, YEAH,
I'M FINE, I'M FINE.
HEY, WE'LL ALWAYS
HAVE PARIS, HUH?
HEY, WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
I'M GONNA GO DOWN
TO THE TIN WHISTLE.
LEAVE YOU 2 GUYS ALONE--
OH, NO, YOU DON'T.
COME ON.
SIT DOWN. THE LAST TIME
YOU WENT OUT FOR A DRINK,
WE ALMOST GOT MARRIED.
(Brian)
NO, NO, NO, NO.
OK, COME ON, BRIAN,
YOU CAN'T GO NOW, LOOK,
WE'RE JUST ABOUT TO START
SAMURAI THEATER.
OH, I'M NOT IN THE MOOD.
I DON'T WANNA...
HERE IT IS. LOOK.
I HAVE A SWORD.
I HAVE A SWORD
AND I'M GOING
TO STAB YOU WITH IT!
OH, YEAH?
YEAH.
[laughing]
HEY, WE'RE GOOD AT THIS.
YOU'RE MAKING
A MOCKERY OF MY ART.
[door closing]
NOW WATCH THE MASTER.
ROW, ROW, ROW YOUR BOAT
GENTLY DOWN THE STREAM
OTHER SIDE!
ROW, ROW,
ROW YOUR BOAT
YOU, WITH THE PONYTAIL,
YOU'RE NOT SINGING.
(Brian using multiple voices)
THIS IS THE LAST TIME,
I BOOK A DISCOUNT CRUISE.
AH, QUIT YOUR COMPLAINING.
WE GOT THE LIDO DECK,
ARE THOSE STEAKS TENDER, YET?
ALMOST.
HEY, I GOT A JOKE FOR YOU.
OH, THIS OUGHT TO BE FUNNY.
WENT TO MY DENTIST
THE OTHER DAY,
I SAID, "DOC,
MY TEETH ARE YELLOW."
HE SAID,
"SO WEAR A BROWN TIE."
WELL, HE'S NO
HENNY YOUNGMAN.