Wings (1990–1997): Season 2, Episode 17 - Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places - full transcript

HEY, LOWELL,
LOWELL, LOWELL,
HELP ME OUT HERE.

I NEED A...

A 6-LETTER WORD
FOR "DUCK."

[telephone ringing]

[exhales]

"MALLARD."

GREAT. MALLARD.
M-A-L-L-A...

NO, NO, NO, NO,
MALLARD DOESN'T FIT.
IT'S GOT 7 LETTERS.

AH, SURE IT DOES, BRIAN.

THE L's ARE REAL SKINNY

SO YOU CAN JUST
SQUEEZE 'EM BOTH
INTO THE SAME BOX.



JUST LIKE THAT.

OK, SO--SO IF I NEEDED
A 5-LETTER WORD
FOR "USELESS,"

I COULD USE "LOWELL"

AND THEN TAKE
THE 2 LAST L's
AND PUT 'EM IN ONE BOX.

NOW YOU'RE CATCHIN' ON.

[seagulls cawing]

FAY,

I'M LOOKING FOR A NICE,
ROMANTIC PLACE

TO TAKE A WOMAN FOR A--
FOR A SPECIAL DINNER.

HAVE ANY SUGGESTIONS?

WELL, HOW ABOUT
PONTRELLI'S?

PONTRELLI'S? OH, FAY,
THAT'S A LITTLE PRICEY.

I KNOW: I'LL JUST EAT
MOST OF MY STEAK,

AND THEN SEND IT BACK.
THANKS.



UH--UH, ROY, HOW DID YOU
AND YOUR LADY FRIEND MEET?

WELL, WE HAVEN'T
EXACTLY MET. WE, UH...

WE ANSWERED EACH OTHER'S ADS
IN THE BACK OF A MAGAZINE.

THAT'S WHY
I'M A LITTLE NERVOUS.

WHY?

WELL, I MAY HAVE EXAGGERATED
ABOUT MYSELF A BIT.

I MEAN, THAT'S THE WAY
THESE THINGS WORK.

I JUST HOPE SHE'S NOT GONNA
BE AS DISAPPOINTED IN ME

AS I'M SURE
I'M GONNA BE IN HER.

HOW COULD
SHE BE DISAPPOINTED
IN A ROMANTIC LIKE YOU?

AFTER ALL,
YOU DID PICK VALENTINE'S DAY
FOR YOUR FIRST DATE.

TODAY'S VALENTINE'S DAY?

DAMN.

THAT MEANS I'M GONNA
HAVE TO GET FLOWERS, RIGHT?

[exclaiming]

OH!
OH, I'M SORRY.
I--I ALMOST RAN INTO YOU.

OH, I KNOW.

LOOK, UH, WHY DON'T
WE BACK UP AND SEE IF WE CAN
GET IT RIGHT THIS TIME?

HEY, UH, CAN I HELP YOU
WITH THOSE?

NO, THANKS, THEY'RE LIGHT.
THEY'RE JUST MY SAMPLE CASES.

OH, SAMPLE...
YOU'RE IN SALES, HUH?

WELL, WHATEVER
YOU'RE SELLING,
I'M BUYING.

WHAT AM I BUYING?
LINGERIE.

WELL, BEING HIGH-WAISTED,
I'M MURDER TO FIT

BUT I'LL TAKE
A PEEK-A-BOO TEDDY
IN A 42 REGULAR.

[chuckling]
LOOK, I GOTTA GET GOING.

OH, COME ON,
YOU'RE MAKIN' ME
WORK AWFUL HARD HERE.

HOW ABOUT IT?
WOULD YOU LIKE, UH,
SOME LUNCH?

I HAVE SALES APPOINTMENTS
FOR THE REST OF THE DAY.

OH, WOW.
THAT'S TOO BAD.

[clicks tongue]

WELL, IT WAS
WORTH A SHOT. THANKS.

HEY.

DON'T YOU PEOPLE EAT DINNER
ON THIS ISLAND?

YEAH, I SUPPOSE WE COULD.
WE HAVE THE TECHNOLOGY.

WELL, GREAT. SO, CAN YOU
MEET ME BACK HERE AT 8:00?

OH, I--I'M BRIAN.

STEPHANIE.

PRETTY SURE IT'S BRIAN,
BUT I'LL DOUBLE-CHECK.

I'LL SEE YOU TONIGHT.
OK.

[people chattering]

[telephone ringing]

HELEN.

(Helen)
YEAH, JOE?

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY.

IS THIS YOUR IDEA
OF A JOKE?

UH, NO,
IT'S MY IDEA
OF CHOCOLATE.

YOU KNOW, SOME SWEETS
FOR MY SWEETIE?

HOW CAN YOU
BE SO INSENSITIVE?

OK, WAIT, WAIT.
W-WHAT ARE YOU TALKIN' ABOUT?

I-IT'S VALENTINE'S DAY.
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO GIVE PEOPLE
CANDY ON VALENTINE'S DAY.

YOU DON'T GET IT,
DO YOU, JOE?

NO.
OH, WELL,

THEN, I'M SORRY.

FORGET ABOUT IT.
YOU'RE NOT INSENSITIVE,
YOU'RE S-S-STUPID!

STUPID?

STU-STUPID?

I'M STUPID?

GOOD, JOE.
YOU'RE LEARNING
BY REPETITION.

LOOK, I DON'T KNOW
WHAT HAS GOTTEN INTO YOU,

BUT I DON'T
HAVE TO TAKE THIS.

OH, FINE, JOE.
HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY.

YEAH, SAME TO YOU.

UH, HELEN, COULD I SEE YOU
IN JOE'S OFFICE
FOR A MINUTE, PLEASE?

FINE.

HEY, WHOSE, UH,
CHOCOLATES ARE THESE?

YOURS.

THANKS!

DON'T THANK ME,
THANK JOE.

SO, HE DIDN'T FORGET.

WELL, WHAT IS IT, FAY?

UH, MAY I SEE YOUR HAND?

[slaps]
OW!

BELIEVE ME, THAT HURT ME
MORE THAN IT HURT YOU.

I DON'T THINK SO.

WELL, I DO.

I HAVE
A TOUCH OF ARTHRITIS
IN THIS HAND.

NOW, HELEN,
JOE WENT OUT OF HIS WAY

[groans]
TO GET YOU
A NICE PRESENT.

HOW COULD YOU
BE SO MEAN TO HIM?

YOU KNOW
HOW SENSITIVE HE IS.

OH, WELL,
IF HE'S SO SENSITIVE,

WHY DID HE GIVE ME
CHOCOLATES?

OH, WHAT WERE YOU
EXPECTING, DIAMONDS?

LITTLE GOLD DIGGER.

NO, FAY,
IT'S NOTHING LIKE THAT.

IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE BEEN
FIGHTING THIS WEIGHT PROBLEM
ALL OF MY LIFE,

AND NOW THAT
I'M FINALLY THIN,

MY BOYFRIEND WANTS
TO MAKE ME SO HUGE

THAT NO ONE'LL
BE ATTRACTED TO ME
EVER AGAIN.

OH, RIGHT, YOU CAUGHT ON
TO HIS CLEVER PLAN.

OH, I--I BETTER CALL UP
AND CANCEL THAT TRUCKLOAD
OF MASHED POTATOES

HE'S HAVING DELIVERED
TO YOUR HOUSE.

OH, HELEN,
YOU'RE MAKING TOO BIG
A DEAL OF THIS.

JOE'S HEART WAS
IN THE RIGHT PLACE.

[sighs]

OH, FAY, I GUESS
I REALLY BLEW IT.

I'M JUST SORT OF NEW
AT HAVING A BOYFRIEND
ON VALENTINE'S DAY.

I'M NOT REALLY SURE
HOW TO ACT.

WELL, I'M--
I'M NOT SURE EITHER,

BUT IF I WERE YOU,
I'D TRY SOMETHING ELSE.

HEY, BRIAN,
WHERE'S HELEN?

SHE, UH,
SHE CLOSED UP THE COUNTER
AND LEFT FOR THE DAY.

OH, BOY,
SHE IS TICKED OFF AT ME
ABOUT SOMETHIN'.

I--I DON'T KNOW,
I GAVE HER A NICE BIG BOX
OF VALENTINE CANDY,

AND SHE WENT NUTS.

CANDY FOR SOMEONE
WHO'S BEEN BATTLING
A WEIGHT PROBLEM

EVER SINCE THEY STARTED
ON SOLID FOOD...

NAH, THAT COULDN'T BE IT.

OH, GOD,
I BETTER GO CALL HER.

GEE, D'YOU THINK?

[people chattering]

EXCUSE ME,
I'M LOOKING
FOR ROY BIGGINS.

UH, I--I--I'LL, UH...

I'LL SEE IF HE'S IN.

[clears throat]

FAY, SHE DOUBLE-CROSSED ME.
SHE'S GORGEOUS.

SHE DIDN'T LIE
IN HER AD AT ALL.
WHAT AM I GONNA DO?

NOW, ROY,
PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER.

YOU'RE A FINE-LOOKING MAN
WHO CARRIES HIMSELF
WITH STYLE AND CLASS.

RIGHT.

NOW, TUCK IN YOUR SHIRT,
ZIP UP YOUR FLY,

AND GO AND SWEEP THAT GAL
OFF HER FEET.

[exclaiming]

HI, KAREN,

I'M ROY BIGGINS.

THAT--THAT WAS JUST
MY IDEA OF A...

[chuckling]
OF A LITTLE JOKE.

WELL, YOU DID SAY
YOU HAD A SENSE OF HUMOR.

YEAH, BUT, I DIDN'T SAY
IT WAS A GOOD ONE.

[both laughing]

YOU KNOW, ROY, YOU'RE...

NOT AT ALL
WHAT I PICTURED.

YEAH, UH...

LOOK, I'D UNDERSTAND
IF, UH, YOU KNOW,

YOU WANNA BACK OUT
OF THIS DATE RIGHT NOW.

NO HARD FEELINGS.

WHAT MAKES YOU THINK
I DON'T LIKE WHAT I SEE?

PLEASE TELL ME
THERE'S NO ONE
STANDING BEHIND ME.

SOME GUY IN COVERALLS
WITH CHOCOLATE
ALL OVER HIS FACE.

ROY.
YEAH?

ROY, I CAME TO NANTUCKET

TO HAVE
A VALENTINE'S DAY DINNER
WITH A CHARMING MAN

WHO WROTE ME
ALL THOSE LOVELY LETTERS.

WELL, IN THAT CASE, MADAM,

[chuckles]

YOUR CARRIAGE AWAITS.

WHY, THANK YOU, SIR.

YOU KNOW,
I'VE NEVER RIDDEN
IN A PORSCHE BEFORE.

UH, YEAH, UH, THAT. UH...

UH, IT'S IN THE SHOP.

OH.
BUT THEY--THEY DID
GIVE ME A LOANER.

WAIT TILL YOU SEE IT,
A PURPLE EL CAMINO.

BUT WHAT CAN
YOU DO, HUH?

WELL, I TRIED TO CALL HER,
BUT SHE WASN'T HOME.

JOE HACKETT?
YEAH.

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY.
OH, THANKS.

OH, HE'S A CUTE ONE, JOE.
I WISH YOU BOTH THE BEST.

"SORRY ABOUT THIS MORNING.
I'D LIKE TO MAKE IT UP
TO YOU.

MEET ME AT OUR SPECIAL PLACE,
TONIGHT, 8:00.
YOUR STUPID VALENTINE."

OH, THAT'S SWEET.
I BETTER GET GOING
IF I'M GONNA MAKE IT.

HEY, UH, WHERE'S
THIS SPECIAL PLACE?

INDIAN POINT. YOU KNOW--
YOU KNOW, THE PLACE
WHERE THE KIDS GO

AND PARK AND MAKE OUT?
MAKE OUT, YEAH.

YEAH, THAT'S WHERE
WE HAD OUR FIRST KISS.

[chuckles]

WELL, YOU OUGHT TO KNOW,
YOU WERE HIDIN'
IN THE BACK SEAT.

YOU WOULD HAVE GOTTEN
A LOT FURTHER

IF YOU WEREN'T
SO HUNG UP ON PRIVACY.

SIGNORINA,
ARE YOU READY TO ORDER?

OH, NO, THANK YOU,
I'M WAITING
FOR MY VALENTINE.

THIS IS OUR SPECIAL PLACE.

[speaking Italian]

SIGNORINA, ARE YOU
ALL RIGHT?

OH, YES.

IT HAS BEEN SO LONG,
AND STILL HE DOES NOT SHOW.

YOU SHOULD NOT BE ALONE.

I'M NOT ALONE.

LOOK AROUND YOU.

DUE, DUE, DUE, DUE,
DUE, DUE, DUE, DUE...

UNO.

MY BOYFRIEND WILL BE HERE
ANY MINUTE.

OF COURSE, SIGNORINA.

WHATEVER YOU SAY.

[bemoaning in Italian]

ROY, THIS LOOKS LOVELY.

YEAH, I'VE NEVER
REALLY EATEN HERE,

BUT IT SURE SMELLS GOOD
EVERY TIME I DRIVE BY.

ROY.

OH, HI, HELEN.
SHE'S GORGEOUS!

YEAH, I KNOW.

AND SHE SEEMS TO BE
ENJOYING MY COMPANY.
HMM.

WE'RE OBVIOUSLY DEALING
WITH A VERY SICK WOMAN HERE.

ROY, MAYBE SHE LIKES YOU.

OH, COME OFF IT, HELEN.

I--I DON'T KNOW
WHAT'S WRONG
WITH HER,

BUT AS GOD IS MY WITNESS,
I'M SURE GONNA FIND OUT.

[people chattering]

SOME PROSCIUTTO
E MELONE.

UH, NO,
I DIDN'T ORDER THIS.

SCUSI, PLEASE,
M-MY COMPLIMENTS,
SIGNORINA.

A LITTLE SOMETHING
IN YOUR STOMACH
HELPS TO EASE THE PAIN

OF YOUR WRETCHED
LONELINESS.

I AM NOT IN PAIN.

WELL, THEN...

WELL, MY FEET HURT
A LITTLE BIT.

SO, UH, TELL ME
A LITTLE BIT
ABOUT YOURSELF.

WELL, I'M ORIGINALLY
FROM CLEVELAND

BUT MY FAMILY
MOVED TO GLOUCESTER
WHEN I WAS 8.

OH, GLOUCESTER'S LOVELY.

OOH, VERY PICTURESQUE.

DOES INSANITY
RUN IN YOUR FAMILY?

WHAT?

OH, NOTHING,
NOTHING, NOTHING.

THEY--THEY TELL ME
THIS RESTAURANT
IS REALLY GREAT.

THEY--THEY SAY THE CHEF
CAME ALL THE WAY OVER
FROM NAPLES.

EVER BEEN IN PRISON?

NO. NO.

WHAT A COINCIDENCE.
ME, EITHER.

AH.

[moans in pleasure]

YES.

[chuckling softly]
YEAH.

YES, NOTHING LIKE A LITTLE
PRE-DINNER FASHION SHOW

TO STIMULATE
THE OLD APPETITE.

WELL, I KNOW
I'M HUNGRY.

[phone ringing]

[phone ringing]

AREN'T YOU GONNA
ANSWER THE PHONE?

[phone continues ringing]
IS THAT THE PHONE?

I THOUGHT
MY LIPS WERE RINGING.

[both chuckling]

[sharply]
WHAT? WHAT? WHAT?

BRIAN, IS JOE THERE?

NO, JOE IS NOT HERE.
I THOUGHT HE WAS WITH YOU
AT YOUR SPECIAL PLACE.

(Helen)
WELL, HE'S NOT.

I'VE BEEN WAITING
AT THIS DAMN RESTAURANT
FOR OVER AN HOUR.

RESTAURANT?

YEAH. DOWN AT PONTRELLI'S.

OH--OH, Y-YES, YES.
WELL, YOU KNOW HE...

HE JUST GOT
A LATE START, IS ALL.

BUT I'M-- I'M SURE
HE'LL BE THERE
ANY SECOND NOW.

OH, OK, THANKS.

IT'S OK.

NOW,

STEPHANIE,
I--I HATE TO LEAVE YOU
AT THIS CRITICAL JUNCTURE,

BUT I'VE GOTTA DELIVER
A MESSAGE TO MY BROTHER,

OTHERWISE HIS GIRLFRIEND
WILL HATE HIM
FOR THE REST OF HIS DAYS.

PROMISE ME YOU'LL BE HERE
UPON MY RETURN.

ABSOLUTELY. NO PROBLEM.

THANK YOU.

AND WHEN YOU GET BACK,

I'LL BE WEARING THIS.

I MEAN,
WE'RE BROTHERS,

BUT IT'S NOT LIKE
WE'RE SIAMESE TWINS,
YOU KNOW?

GO.
GO?

GO.

HELEN?

HEY!

SORRY.

I'M SORRY ABOUT THAT.
IT WAS MY MISTAKE.

[car door slams]
WHAT THE HELL
DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?

UH, JUST LOOKING--

YEAH. I NOTICED. LISTEN,

MY GIRLFRIEND AND I
CAME UP HERE
TO HAVE A GOOD TIME.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING
UP HERE ALONE?

I--I--I'M NOT ALONE.
I'M WAITING FOR SOMEONE.

JOE! YO!

[tires skidding]

[laughing]
THIS IS PERFECT.

HEY, ELAINE!
HE'S WAITIN'
FOR ANOTHER GUY!

IT'S NOT ANOTHER GUY,
IT'S MY BROTHER.

OH. AND I THOUGHT
IT WAS SOMETHIN' WEIRD.

BRIAN, WHAT ARE
YOU DOING HERE?

FREEZING MY GIBLETS OFF
SO I COULD SAVE YOURS.

NOW, LOOK,
YOU'RE IN THE WRONG
SPECIAL PLACE.

HELEN HAS BEEN
SITTING AT PONTRELLI'S
FOR THE LAST HOUR.

PONTRELLI'S?
YEAH.

GREAT.

MY SPECIAL PLACE
IS WHERE WE KISSED,

AND HER SPECIAL PLACE
IS WHERE WE ATE.

ALL RIGHT,
THROW THE BIKE IN THE BACK.
GET IN, LET'S GO.

[engine sputtering]

COME ON, COME ON.
COME ON.

COME ON.

I DON'T BELIEVE THIS.

IT'S DEAD.

GONNA HAVE TO
TAKE THE BIKE.

BUT WHY DON'T WE
JUST ASK HIM
IF HE'LL JUMP US?

NO, PLEASE, DON'T.

GET ON.

(Joe)
BY THE WAY, NICE DRESS.

WHAT, THIS OLD THING?

SO.

NO, HE DOES NOT SHOW.

I HATE TO SEE
A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN ALONE
ON SUCH A ROMANTIC NIGHT.

GIACOMO!

[beckoning in Italian]

HE'S ONLY A BUSBOY NOW,
BUT HE HAS "HEADWAITER"
WRITTEN ALL OVER HIM.

OH. YOU KNOW,
HE'S REALLY... I'M--

SIGNORINA,
MEET MY COUSIN GIACOMO.

HELLO.

YOUR VALENTINE
FOR THIS EVENING.

[clears throat]

HI.

[making sexual allusions
in Italian]

[speaking Italian]

WHAT'D HE SAY?

HE SAY YOU'RE NICE.

SO, KAREN.

YES, ROY?

HAVE YOU ALWAYS
BEEN A WOMAN?

WHAT?

I'M NOT SAYING
THEY DIDN'T DO
A GOOD JOB.

DO YOU MIND IF I'M
HONEST WITH YOU?

WELL, WELL,
IT'S ABOUT TIME.

YOU LIED ABOUT
YOUR LOOKS, FINE.

I DON'T GET HUNG UP
ON LOOKS.

AND AT FIRST, I FOUND
YOUR...AWKWARD SHYNESS
TO BE ENDEARING.

BUT YOUR OVERWHELMING
INSECURITY

AND YOUR TOTAL
LACK OF SELF-ESTEEM

BORDERS ON THE PATHETIC.

SO, ALTHOUGH YOU WERE
NOT UNATTRACTIVE TO ME
WHEN WE FIRST MET,

YOU HAVE CERTAINLY
BECOME SO.

I'M SORRY, BUT CONSIDER
THIS DATE OFFICIALLY OVER.

I KNEW IT!
YOU'RE AFRAID OF COMMITMENT!

WELL, ROY,
LOOKS LIKE WE'VE BOTH
BEEN LEFT IN THE LURCH.

WHAT HAPPENED
TO YOUR DATE?

OH, SHE TURNED OUT TO BE
A REAL SCREWBALL.

WHAT ABOUT YOU?

JOE STOOD ME UP.

I ASKED HIM TO MEET ME HERE,
BECAUSE THIS IS WHERE
WE HAD OUR FIRST DATE.

BUT, I GUESS
HE'S STILL MAD AT ME.

I THOUGHT YOUR FIRST DATE
WAS WHEN YOU WENT TO PARK
UP AT INDIAN POINT.

NO, NO, THAT WAS AFTER.
WE WENT HERE FIRST.

SURELY JOE WOULDN'T HAVE...

SEE YOU, ROY.
HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY.

SO.

YOU, TOO,
ARE ALONE.

ANGELA!

[beckoning in Italian]

[cutlery clinking]

[panting]

SIGNORE, CAN I HELP YOU?

UH, Y-YEAH, YEAH, MAYBE.
I'M LOOKING
FOR MY GIRLFRIEND.

SHE'S A CUTE BLONDE,
ABOUT THIS TALL...

SO!

FINALLY, HE COMES.

SO, SHE WAS HERE?

YES. ALL ALONE,
FOR 2 HOURS.

SIGNORE,
I SUGGEST YOU LEAVE.

WAIT, BUT I--I--

GIACOMO!

[beckoning in Italian]

SIGNORE, THIS MAN
CAN DISEMBOWEL A PIG
IN 28 SECONDS.

PIG, YOU,

NO DIFFERENCE.

MAYBE 5 SECONDS.

WHY YOU DO THIS THING
TO SUCH A BEAUTIFUL LADY?

[stuttering]
IT WAS A
MISUNDERSTANDING.

I--I THOUGHT
WE WERE GONNA MEET
IN ONE PLACE,

AND SHE THOUGHT
WE WERE GONNA
MEET IN ANOTHER.

[groaning]

THIS IS SO SAD.

STAR-CROSSED LOVERS.

ROMEO E JULIET, SI?
AH!

WELL, THIS IS JUST GREAT.

SIGNORE, PLEASE,
YOU SIT. YOU SIT.

GIACOMO, SOME CHIANTI
FOR MY FRIEND.

[exclaiming]

COFFEE, UH, BREAK.

HIS FIRST WORDS
OF ENGLISH.

CHIANTI! CHIANTI!

WOMEN.

THEY NEVER SEE ANYTHING
FROM OUR PERSPECTIVE.

THEY ALWAYS TAKE
THE FEMALE SIDE.

[complaining in Italian]

THEY'RE ALL SPOILED
LITTLE BAMBINE.

THEY DON'T GET THEIR WAY,
AND IT'S...

[feigning crying]

[all singing
La Donna Mobile]

JOE, WHAT THE HELL
IS GOIN' ON HERE?

WHAT--

I JUST GOT BACK
FROM INDIAN POINT,

WHERE SOME KID TOLD ME
THAT YOU LEFT ON A BIKE

WITH A MAN
WEARING A DRESS.

THAT WAS BRIAN.

DO YOU MIND IF WE HAVE
A LITTLE PRIVACY?

HEY, HELEN, HELEN.

[with Italian-American accent]
ANYTHING YOU CAN SAY TO ME,

YOU CAN SAY
IN FRONT OF MY GOOMBAS.

[all cheering]

JOE.

OH, OK, OK, OK.

[speaking Italian]

GRAZIE, GRAZIE, GRAZIE.

[all chattering]

WHERE DID YOU LEARN
TO SPEAK ITALIAN?

I DON'T SPEAK ITALIAN.

JOE, HOW COULD YOU THINK
THAT INDIAN POINT
WAS OUR SPECIAL PLACE?

THIS RESTAURANT
IS WHERE WE HAD
OUR FIRST ROMANTIC DINNER.

YEAH, BUT, HELEN,
INDIAN POINT...

IT'S WHERE WE HAD
OUR FIRST ROMANTIC KISS.

OK. I GUESS
THAT WAS KINDA SPECIAL.

OH, I REALLY
MESSED THIS UP,
DIDN'T I?

NO, JOE, I'M SORRY
I YELLED AT YOU
ABOUT THOSE CHOCOLATES.

WELL, IT WAS
PRETTY INSENSITIVE OF ME
TO GIVE YOU THAT CANDY.

CANNOLI?

NO, THANK YOU.

I JUST WANTED
THIS VALENTINE'S DAY
TO BE EXTRA-SPECIAL.

NEVER HAD
A GOOD ONE. NEVER.

NEVER?

DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE
TO BE THE FATTEST GIRL
IN SCHOOL ON VALENTINE'S DAY?

NOPE.

YOU KNOW HOW EVERYBODY
WOULD EXCHANGE VALENTINES?

WELL, EVERYONE WOULD
GET ALL THESE REALLY
GREAT ONES, YOU KNOW, LIKE,

LIKE MICKEY KISSING MINNIE.

AND I'D ALWAYS GET
THE LAME-O ONES

LIKE DOPEY
HUGGIN' A TREE STUMP.

AND I ONLY GOT THAT
BECAUSE THE TEACHER
TOLD THE BOYS

THEY HAD TO GIVE
ONE TO EVERYBODY.

DOPEY'S CUTE.

DOPEY'S A BALD DWARF
WITH BIG EARS.

AND THEN, THE ONLY DATE
I WOULD HAVE
ON VALENTINE'S DAY

WOULD BE A 2-POUND
BOX OF CHOCOLATES

WHICH I BOUGHT
FOR MYSELF,

THEN AFTER AN HOUR,
WHEN IT WAS GONE,

I WOULD BE
ALL ALONE AGAIN.

SO SOMETIMES,
LIKE WHEN YOU DIDN'T
SHOW UP TONIGHT,

I JUST STILL SEE MYSELF
AS THAT FAT LITTLE GIRL.

HEY, HELEN,
I AM SITTING HERE,
AND I SEE A...

A WARM, TENDER,
SEXY WOMAN WITH...

SOFT EYES,

AND A BIG HEART.

OH, YOU'RE DRUNK.

BUT I'M NOT BLIND.

[sighing]

THANK YOU, JOE.

BE MY VALENTINE?

[sniffling]
BE MINE.

THAT'S AMORE.