Wings (1990–1997): Season 2, Episode 10 - There's Always Room for Cello - full transcript
Roy gets the surprise of his life when he agrees to let his star athlete son take cello lessons from Helen.
FAY, THIS PHONE NUMBER
YOU WROTE DOWN FOR ME,
I CAN'T TELL
IF THAT'S A 5 OR AN 8.
YOU KNOW,
I'VE ALWAYS HAD
THIS PROBLEM.
PEOPLE ARE ALWAYS
TELLING ME THAT MY 5s
LOOK LIKE 8s.
THEY SAY, "FAY,
YOUR 5s LOOK LIKE 8s."
AND THEY DO.
W-WELL, IS THIS
A 5 OR AN 8?
UM, A 7.
THANK YOU.
[seagulls cawing]
GOOD AFTERNOON,
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
WE ARE ABOUT TO BEGIN
PRE-BOARDING
SANDPIPER AIR FLIGHT 14
TO MARTHA'S VINEYARD,
HYANNIS,
AND CALCUTTA.
JUST CHECKING TO SEE
IF YOU WERE LISTENING.
EXCUSE ME.
CAN YOU DIRECT ME
TO THE LADIES' ROOM?
OH, UH, CERTAINLY.
UP THE STAIRS
AND TO YOUR RIGHT.
THANK YOU.
[telephones ringing]
WHOOP! WHOOP! WHOOP!
BATTLE STATIONS, EVERYONE.
WE GOT A LIVE ONE
ON THE STAIRS.
WHAT'S GOIN' ON?
WHAT THAT
UNSUSPECTING WOMAN
DOESN'T KNOW IS
THAT THE SIGNS ON THE MEN'S
AND LADIES' ROOMS
HAVE BEEN SWITCHED.
WHY?
BECAUSE IF YOU CAN'T
LAUGH AT YOURSELF,
LAUGH AT SOMEBODY ELSE.
(Brian)
NOW LET'S WATCH.
5, 4,
3, 2, 1.
HEY, SOMEBODY SWITCHED
THE SIGNS UP HERE.
IF I HADN'T STOPPED
THAT LADY,
SHE WOULD'VE GONE
RIGHT IN THE MEN'S ROOM.
WHAT'RE WE GONNA
DO WITH HIM?
[sighing]
I DON'T KNOW.
AS A CHILD,
THEY TOOK HIM TO HAVE
HIS TONSILS REMOVED,
BUT IN A TRAGIC MIX-UP
GAVE HIM A HUMORECTOMY.
MMM.
HEY, LOWELL, YOU WANNA
SWITCH THOSE SIGNS
BACK THE RIGHT WAY?
OK, BUT IT WON'T BE
HALF AS FUNNY.
HEY, HACKETT,
DID YOU SEE
TODAY'S SPORTS PAGE?
HOW'D THE CELTICS
DO YESTERDAY?
THEY COVER?
YEAH. THEY COVERED
THEIR FACES
WHEN THEY LEFT THE FLOOR.
PLAYED LIKE
A BUNCH OF JACKASSES.
SHOOT! THERE GOES
2 DAYS' TIPS.
NO CLAMS IN THE CHOWDER
THIS WEEK.
NO CLAMS IN THE CHOWDER
LAST WEEK.
IS IT MY FAULT
THE CELTS ARE
IN A SLUMP?
THERE'S AN ARTICLE
ABOUT MY BOY, R.J.
HE'S GONNA BE STARTING
DEFENSIVE TACKLE
FOR SIASCONSET HIGH
THIS FALL.
OH, REALLY?
I PLAYED SOME BALL
IN HIGH SCHOOL, TOO.
PLAYED SEMI-PRO MYSELF.
HAD GUYS LIKE YOU
FOR LUNCH.
MUST'VE HAD
QUITE A FEW OF 'EM.
ANYWAY, R.J. PLAYED
HIS FIRST SPRING SCRIMMAGE
YESTERDAY.
MADE 7 UNASSISTED TACKLES
AND KNOCKED OUT
THE STARTIN' HALFBACK.
THAT KID DIDN'T COME TO
FOR 5 MINUTES.
[chuckling]
THERE'S A KODAK MOMENT.
17 YEARS OLD,
GOT A 19-INCH NECK.
UH, DOES IT ACTUALLY
LOOK LIKE A NECK,
OR DOES HIS HEAD GROW
DIRECTLY INTO HIS SHOULDERS?
I HAD THAT KID PUMPIN' IRON
BY THE TIME
HE WAS 8 YEARS OLD.
HIS MOTHER USED TO HATE IT.
BUT WHAT THE HELL,
SHE'S DEAD NOW.
SEE,
THE THING IS
THESE KIDS ARE NOT
NATURALLY AGGRESSIVE.
YOU'VE GOTTA TEACH IT TO 'EM.
WELL, I TAUGHT R.J.
I TAUGHT HIM,
ANYBODY TRIES
TO GET PAST YOU,
ANYBODY TRIES TO MOVE IN
ON YOUR TERRITORY,
MOVE IN
ON YOUR BUSINESS,
A BUSINESS YOU STARTED
FROM NOTHIN',
POURED YOUR HEART
AND SOUL INTO
FOR 10 YEARS,
THEN YOU GOT EVERY RIGHT
TO CRUSH HIM
LIKE A SQUIRREL
IN A COMPACTOR.
MORE COFFEE, ROY?
NO, THANKS.
THAT 2ND CUP MAKES ME
A LITTLE EDGY.
IS IT JUST ME
OR DID THE VEINS
IN ROY'S NECK
JUST FORM
A GOAT'S HEAD?
WELL, I SHOULD'VE KNOWN.
KNOWN WHAT?
I GOT THIS REALLY WEIRD
PHONE CALL LAST NIGHT.
OH, BRIAN!
WASN'T ME!
HE'S RIGHT.
THERE WERE NO WET
SUCKING SOUNDS.
YEAH. THAT'S JUST
AN ICEBREAKER
AND, IF YOU'D QUIT HANGIN' UP,
YOU'D REALIZE THAT.
IT WAS ROY'S KID R.J.
HE WANTS TO START TAKING
CELLO LESSONS FROM ME.
HO, ROY'S GONNA
HATE THAT.
THAT'S WHY I TOLD HIM
HE BETTER CLEAR IT
WITH HIS DAD FIRST.
OH, BRIAN.
WHAT?
DO YOU THINK
HE ASKED HIM?
WELL, YOU GUYS
WERE SITTING HERE.
HE DIDN'T MENTION A THING
ABOUT CELLO LESSONS.
MY GUESS IS
THE KID CHICKENED OUT.
IT'S A SHAME.
IT'S REALLY A SHAME.
GUESS IT WOULD HAVE
MADE YOU FEEL PRETTY GOOD
TO GIVE A KID LIKE THAT
A LITTLE CULTURE
AND REFINEMENT.
OH, GET REAL.
I GOT GAMBLING DEBTS
TO PAY OFF.
HEY, HELEN,
DID R.J. CALL YOU
AND TALK ABOUT
TAKIN' SOME, UH,
CELLO LESSONS?
UH, YES, ROY, I WAS GONNA--
NO, NO.
I THINK
IT'S A GOOD IDEA.
(Helen)
YOU DO?
YEAH, YEAH.
ROY, THAT'S GREAT.
SO WHEN'S HE START?
UH, HE CAN
START TONIGHT.
UH, TELL HIM
TO COME HERE
AFTER WORK.
HERE? YOU GIVE
THE CELLO LESSONS HERE?
YEAH, MY LANDLADY'S
GIVING ME GRIEF AGAIN.
SHE SAYS THE NOISE
IS MAKING HER CAT STERILE.
I WISH YOU'D PLAY
FOR MY SISTER.
7:00 SHARP.
ROY, YOU SURPRISE ME.
CELLO LESSONS?
I'VE GOT MY REASONS.
COME HERE, GUYS.
YOU ALL GOTTA HEAR THIS.
COME HERE.
HEY, LOWELL.
LOWELL, GET YOUR BUTT
OVER HERE.
WELL, I GOTTA CHANGE
THE PLUGS ON A CESSNA
OUT HERE, ROY.
BUT, LOWELL, I HAVE
AN ANECDOTE FOR YOU.
PLUGS, ANECDOTE.
PLUGS, ANECDOTE.
AH, COLOR ME CURIOUS, ROY.
HEY, RUDY, COME HERE,
COME HERE. NOW GET THIS.
WHEN R.J. TOLD ME
HE WANTED TO TAKE
CELLO LESSONS
I THOUGHT
I WAS GONNA PUKE,
BUT THEN
HE GAVE ME
A REASON SO SWEET
THAT IT TOUCHED
THIS FATHER'S HEART.
AND THAT REASON WAS?
"DAD, I'M HORNY
FOR HELEN."
[all laughing]
HELEN IS GONNA TRY
AND TEACH MY KID THE CELLO
WHILE HE'S HUGGING HER LEG
LIKE A LOVESICK POODLE.
[all laughing]
[shushing]
HERE SHE COMES.
HERE SHE COMES. WATCH THIS.
HELEN, UH,
I'M CURIOUS ABOUT, UH,
YOUR TEACHING METHODS.
DO YOU, UH,
LECTURE THE STUDENTS
OR DO YOU PREFER
THE HANDS-ON TECHNIQUE?
OH, DEFINITELY THE HANDS-ON.
I LIKE THE PERSONAL CONTACT.
[both laughing]
AM I MISSING
SOMETHING, GUYS?
NO, NO, NO, NO.
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
LOWELL JUST MADE
A SILLY FACE.
CUT IT OUT, LOWELL.
SEE, I THINK R.J.'S
GONNA GET A LOT
OUT OF THIS.
HE'S-- HE'S BEEN AWFUL SHY
ABOUT PERFORMING.
DON'T YOU WORRY, ROY.
WHEN I GET THROUGH
WITH HIM,
HE'LL BE TAKIN' OUT
THAT INSTRUMENT
AND ENTERTAININ'
THE WHOLE FAMILY.
[all laughing]
HEY, ROY, DO YOU KNOW
WHERE R.J. IS?
HE SHOULD'VE BEEN HERE
20 MINUTES AGO
FOR HIS LESSON.
YOU'LL HAVE TO
FORGIVE HIM, HELEN,
HE'S ALWAYS LATE.
HE TAKES AFTER ME.
YOU AND R.J.
ARE REAL CLOSE,
AREN'T YOU?
EVER SINCE
HIS MOTHER DIED
HE'S ALL I GOT. GOD!
I LOVE THAT KID.
MMM.
AND UNLESS I MISS MY GUESS,
YONDER COMETH
THE YOUNG MAESTRO NOW.
(Roy)
THERE HE IS.
HERE'S MY BOY.
LOOKIN' MORE LIKE
HIS MOTHER EVERY DAY.
[exclaiming]
OH, SHE WAS
A HANDSOME WOMAN.
HEY, SORRY I'M LATE.
DAD, GUESS WHAT?
UH-HUH?
I BENCH PRESSED
350 POUNDS TODAY.
I COULD HAVE DONE THAT,
BUT IN MY DAY THEY DIDN'T
HAVE BENCHES THAT HEAVY.
[both laughing]
THAT'S A GOOD ONE, DAD.
I'LL HAVE TO REMEMBER
THAT ONE.
[both grunting]
MOM AND I USED TO
DO THAT AFTER SHOPPING.
HEY, WHY DON'T WE GO ON
OUT TO THE HANGAR
AND GET STARTED.
OK, BUT, I GOTTA TELL YOU,
I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING
ABOUT THIS.
I MEAN, I DON'T EVEN KNOW
WHERE TO PUT MY HANDS.
OH, DON'T WORRY.
I HAVE THIS
REALLY GOOD BOOK
THAT SHOWS YOU
ALL THE DIFFERENT POSITIONS.
[snickering]
"SHOWS YOU
ALL THE DIFFERENT POSITIONS."
"WHERE TO PUT
MY HANDS."
I TAKE IT
YOU DON'T READ MUSIC?
UH, NO.
OK, I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT
ALL OF MY BEGINNING STUDENTS
ARE REALLY YOUNG,
SO THESE BOOKS ARE
GEARED TOWARDS THEM.
PLEASE DON'T THINK
I'M INSULTING
YOUR INTELLIGENCE.
OK. NOW.
THE MAMA HEN IS
THE WHOLE NOTE
AND ALL THE LITTLE BABY CHICKS
ARE THE 8TH NOTES.
LOOK, A RABBIT.
GOOD, I'M NOT GOING
TOO FAST FOR YOU.
THIS STRING IS THE "G"
AND WE WILL PLAY IT
BY BOWING...
JUST ABOVE THE BRIDGE
LIKE SO.
[inaudible]
OK, YOU'RE GONNA KEEP
PLAYING THAT NOTE
AND WE'RE GONNA MASTER
JUST THAT ONE.
OK.
BOW.
JOE, WHAT DO YOU WANT?
WE'RE IN THE MIDDLE
OF A LESSON.
UH, WELL, THE GUYS DIDN'T
WANT YOU TO KNOW THIS,
BUT THE ONLY REASON R.J.'S
TAKIN' CELLO IS
HE'S GOT THE HOTS FOR YOU.
NOW, I--I JUST
DIDN'T WANT THEM LAUGHING
AT YOUR EXPENSE.
OH, JOE,
THAT'S SO SWEET.
YEAH, WELL.
I JUST THOUGHT
YOU SHOULD KNOW.
OH, NOT YOU, R.J.
THE BIG LUG'S SO SMITTEN,
HE'S TAKIN' LESSONS
JUST TO BE NEAR ME.
YOU'RE NOT UPSET?
OH, NO.
BUT THE GUYS MIGHT BE.
YOU SPOILED
A PRETTY GOOD GAG.
I THINK I'M GETTIN' BETTER.
LISTEN, R.J.
I KNOW THIS IS
A CONFUSING TIME FOR YOU.
THE BOY BECOMING A MAN...
STOP THAT!
THE BOY BECOMING A MAN.
YOUR HORMONES ARE BLITZING
YOUR BRAIN OUT,
THEREFORE YOU'RE DRAWN
TO AN OLDER WOMAN
FOR HER EXPERIENCE
AND FOR HER WISDOM.
WHO COULD BLAME YOU?
BUT YOU SHOULD BE
TAKING THE CELLO
BECAUSE YOU LOVE IT,
NOT BECAUSE YOU HAVE
SOME SCHOOLBOY CRUSH ON ME.
I DON'T HAVE A CRUSH ON YOU.
I JUST TOLD THAT TO MY DAD
SO I COULD TAKE THE LESSONS.
IT'S OK, R.J.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE
EMBARRASSED ABOUT IT.
I KNOW YOU'RE
ATTRACTED TO ME.
I'M NOT ATTRACTED TO YOU,
I SWEAR.
I JUST WANNA TAKE
THE LESSONS.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO
LIE, HONEY.
I'M NOT LYING.
AM I GETTIN'
CHUNKY AGAIN?
NO, YOU LOOK NICE.
IS IT MY HAIR? OH, I KNEW
I SHOULDN'T HAVE LET
THAT LADY CUT IT.
NO. THAT'S NOT IT.
OH, SO IT IS SOMETHING.
WHAT IS IT?
IS IT MY PERSONALITY?
IT'S THESE CLOTHES.
OH, IT'S THE ACCENT.
ALL OF THE ABOVE?
WELL, WHAT IS IT?
TELL ME!
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD,
YOU TELL ME!
IT'S NOT YOU, IT'S ME.
I'M GAY.
OH, THANK GOD.
[exclaiming]
UH, RUN THAT
BY ME AGAIN.
IT SOUNDED LIKE YOU SAID
THAT YOU WERE GAY.
I AM. CAN I LEARN
ANOTHER NOTE?
IN A MINUTE.
ARE YOU SURE
ABOUT THIS GAY THING?
I MEAN,
YOU'RE A YOUNG GUY.
HAVE YOU ACTUALLY
DONE ANYTHING ABOUT IT YET?
WELL, NOT REALLY.
I MEAN,
I HAVEN'T FOUND ANYBODY
TO BE GAY WITH.
I THINK
YOU NEED SOMEONE.
IT HELPS.
WELL, THEN,
HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU ARE?
WELL, I'VE HAD
THESE FEELINGS
FOR A LONG TIME
AND I'VE GONE
TO THE LIBRARY
AND READ A LOT.
AND DONAHUE DID
A WHOLE WEEK ON IT.
YOU KNOW, YOU'RE
THE FIRST PERSON
I'VE TOLD,
BUT, NOW THAT
I'VE TOLD YOU,
I FEEL GOOD.
MATTER OF FACT,
I FEEL REAL GOOD.
I--I FEEL FREE.
I FEEL LIKE
TELLING EVERYONE.
JUST CAME IN
TO SAY GOOD NIGHT.
FAY, I'M GAY.
OH! OF COURSE
YOU ARE, DEAR.
YOU'RE YOUNG AND HEALTHY.
YOUR WHOLE LIFE'S
AHEAD OF YOU.
WHO WOULDN'T BE GAY?
WELL, GOOD NIGHT.
THAT WAS REALLY EASY.
YOU KNOW DONAHUE SAID
IT COULD BE LIKE THIS.
HEY, R.J.,
LESSON'S OVER?
HEY, JOE, GUESS WHAT.
I'M GAY.
UH, WHY NOT?
HELEN, 5 MINUTES AGO
THIS KID HAD
A CRUSH ON YOU,
NOW HE'S GAY.
WHAT ON EARTH
DID YOU DO TO HIM?
EXCUSE US,
EXCUSE US.
JUST GETTIN' A SODA.
WE DON'T WANNA INTERRUPT
GOD KNOWS WHAT.
YOU GUYS AREN'T
INTERRUPTING ANYTHING.
I WAS JUST TELLIN' JOE
I'M GAY.
[exclaiming]
CHECK PLEASE.
LOOK, JOE,
I KNOW YOU'RE DESPERATE
TO PROVE WHAT A WACKY GUY
YOU ARE,
BUT PUTTIN' A KID
UP TO THIS?
JOE DIDN'T
PUT HIM UP TO IT,
IT'S TRUE.
R.J. JUST TOLD ROY
THAT HE WAS
INTERESTED IN ME
SO HE COULD
TAKE THESE LESSONS.
OH.
SO YOU SAY
YOU'RE GAY, HUH?
HMM. GAY, REALLY?
NO.
YES.
NO.
WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO
TO PROVE IT TO YOU?
NOTHING.
ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.
R.J., HAVE YOU TOLD
YOUR FATHER ABOUT THIS?
NO, NOT YET, BUT--
WAIT RIGHT HERE.
HE HASN'T TOLD ROY YET
THAT HE'S GAY.
PLEASE, YOU GUYS,
YOU'VE GOT TO LET ME TELL HIM
THAT HE'S GAY.
PLEASE, OH, PLEASE,
OH, PLEASE, OH, PLEASE,
OH, PLEASE.
BRIAN.
DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA
WHAT THAT WOULD DO
TO ROY?
YEAH. PLEASE, OH, PLEASE,
OH, PLEASE OH, PLEASE--
FORGET IT, BRIAN.
A LOT OF PEOPLE COULD
HANDLE THIS INFORMATION,
BUT WE'RE TALKING
ABOUT ROY BIGGINS HERE.
SO, WE'VE ALL AGREED.
HE CAN'T KNOW, OK?
[all mumbling]
(R.J.)
OK, GUYS, I'LL SEE YOU LATER.
I'M GONNA GO TELL DAD.
(Helen)
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, R.J.
LOOK, I KNOW THAT SHARING
THIS NEWS MAKES YOU
FEEL REAL GOOD.
AND WE'RE ALL GLAD FOR YOU.
AND I WANT YOU TO KNOW
THAT YOU HAVE OUR SUPPORT
IN TELLING ANYONE YOU WANT,
BUT I DON'T THINK
YOUR DAD SHOULD BE
ONE OF THEM.
BUT DAD'S MY BEST FRIEND.
HE SAID I COULD TALK TO HIM
ABOUT ANYTHING.
DID HE SPECIFICALLY
MENTION THIS?
WELL, NO.
M-MAYBE YOU GUYS
ARE RIGHT.
I MEAN, I WENT THIS LONG
WITHOUT TELLING HIM.
I GUESS, I CAN GO
A LITTLE LONGER.
YEAH, OF COURSE
YOU CAN.
BUT REMEMBER,
IF YOU CHANGE YOUR MIND
ABOUT TELLING YOUR DAD,
PLEASE CALL ME.
I'M AVAILABLE
24 HOURS A DAY.
I'M EVEN THINKING
OF GETTING A BEEPER.
[telephones ringing]
(Fay)
JOE?
UH, JOE,
I WAS WONDERING,
WOULD IT
BE A PROBLEM IF I LEFT
A LITTLE EARLY, TODAY?
I HAVE MY MODERN DANCE CLASS
AT THE SENIORS' CENTER.
OH, YEAH, SURE, FAY.
GO AHEAD. HAVE FUN.
I--I WOULDN'T ASK,
BUT IF I'M LATE
I GET STUCK WITH MR. HOFFMAN
AS MY PARTNER.
HE HAS TROUBLE LIFTING ME
OVER HIS HEAD.
FAY, DOES YOUR DANCE GROUP
EVER GIVE RECITALS?
YES, THEY DO.
NEXT TIME INVITE ME.
WILL DO.
HELEN, WHERE
YOU GOING?
I'M GOING TO GIVE
R.J. HIS LESSON.
I'M BEGGING YOU,
YOU GOT TO LET ME
TELL ROY ABOUT HIS KID.
ABSOLUTELY NOT.
OH, BUT YOU DON'T
UNDERSTAND.
I GOT ALL THIS INFORMATION
BUILDING UP INSIDE OF ME.
I'M GONNA HURT
SOMETHING INTERNALLY.
WELL, IF YOU TELL HIM,
I'LL HURT SOMETHING
EXTERNALLY.
ALL RIGHT,
YEAH, WELL, HE'S GONNA
FIND OUT SOON ENOUGH.
OK, WHAT DO YOU MEAN
BY THAT?
WORD'S OUT
ALL AROUND TOWN.
OH, YOU'RE EXAGGERATING.
HELEN, R.J.'S ORGANIZING
A NANTUCKET GAY PRIDE PARADE.
IF I DON'T TELL ROY,
HE'S GONNA LEARN IT
FROM A FLOAT.
YOU STAY OUT OF THIS.
WELL, IF I CAN'T TELL ROY,
CAN I AT LEAST TAKE HIM
TO THE PARADE?
R.J., WE HAVE TO TALK.
LOOK, I KNOW WE TOLD YOU
THAT IT WOULD BE BAD FOR YOU
TO TELL YOUR FATHER.
BUT DO YOU KNOW
WHAT WOULD BE WORSE?
HIM FINDING OUT
FROM SOMEONE ELSE.
AND THAT IS
A DISTINCT POSSIBILITY.
BECAUSE YOU HAVE BEEN
A BUSY LITTLE FELLOW,
HAVEN'T YOU?
I'M GAY AND I'M PROUD.
SAVE IT FOR THE PARADE.
OH? YOU KNOW ABOUT THAT?
I'M THE GRAND MARSHAL.
CONGRATULATIONS.
LISTEN, ROY,
YOU BETTER GET IN HERE.
YOUR SON HAS SOMETHING
PRETTY IMPORTANT TO TELL YOU
AND IT CAN'T WAIT.
OK.
EVERYTHING'S GONNA BE
ALL RIGHT.
WHY DON'T YOU
TAKE A DEEP BREATH?
THAT USUALLY HELPS ME RELAX.
YOU CAN
LET IT OUT NOW.
[exhaling]
LISTEN ROY,
JUST REMEMBER,
NO MATTER
WHAT YOU'RE ABOUT TO HEAR,
YOUR SON LOVES YOU.
R.J., I--I DON'T KNOW
WHAT'S GOING ON HERE,
BUT I GOTTA TELL YOU,
I'M A LITTLE SCARED.
THE WAY SHE'S TALKIN',
SOUNDS LIKE YOU GOT
SOME BAD NEWS.
DON'T WORRY, SON,
YOUR OLD MAN CAN TAKE IT.
JUST GIVE IT
TO ME STRAIGHT.
DON'T HOLD BACK.
[groaning]
DAD, I'M GAY.
DAD?
DAD!
DAD?
WHAT DID YOU SAY?
I SAID I'M--
[groaning]
STOP RIGHT THERE.
YOU--YOU GO ON HOME.
I'M GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE.
THIS WHOLE THING
NEVER HAPPENED.
DAD, IT'S TRUE.
LOOK, I DON'T KNOW
WHAT KIND OF
ARTSY-FARTSY IDEAS
HELEN'S PUTTIN' IN YOUR HEAD,
BUT YOU ARE NOT...
[gasping]
GAY.
LET ME EXPLAIN--
I DON'T WANT
ANY EXPLANATIONS.
YOU ARE NOT...
[gasping]
GAY.
AM, TOO.
ARE NOT.
AM, TOO, DAMN IT.
ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.
WE ARE GONNA SETTLE THIS
LIKE MEN.
HOW?
GIMME A MINUTE.
I'LL THINK OF SOMETHIN'.
YOU AND ME, ONE-ON-ONE.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
IF YOU WIN, YOU CAN BE GAY,
IF NOT, YOU CAN'T.
DAD, THIS IS REALLY WEIRD.
DON'T TALK TO ME
ABOUT WEIRD.
LET'S DO IT.
[both grunting]
I LET YOU DO THAT.
GIVE IT UP, DAD,
I'M YOUNGER THAN YOU,
I'M QUICKER THAN YOU--
IN YOUR FACE.
[both panting]
HEY, GUYS, WHAT'S UP?
NOTHING.
IT'S-- IT'S NONE
OF YOUR BUSINESS.
DAD, IT'S-- IT'S OK.
THEY KNOW.
FOR THE LOVE OF MIKE,
R.J., THAT'S JUST
A FIGURE OF SPEECH.
YOU TOLD HIM?
[groaning]
THAT JUST TEARS IT.
WHAT HAPPENED?
HE FAINTED.
[groaning]
HE FAINTED. AH, JOE...
BRIAN, BRIAN,
IT'S-- IT'S OK.
YOU'LL GET OVER IT.
ISN'T THIS SORT OF
A STRANGE TIME
TO BE PLAYING BASKETBALL?
IT'S A CONTEST.
IF I WIN, I'M GAY,
IF DAD WINS, I'M NOT.
WELL, HAVE FUN.
THAT SORT OF PUTS
A WHOLE NEW SLANT
ON THE N.B.A., DOESN'T IT?
THAT'S IT, I WIN.
I'M GAY!
2 OUT OF 3.
HUH?
COME ON, 2 OUT OF 3.
NO WAY.
NO WAY, DAD.
YOU SAID IF I WON,
I COULD BE GAY.
AND I WON
FAIR AND SQUARE,
SO I'M GAY!
YEAH, WELL, I'M YOUR FATHER.
2 OUT OF 3. COME ON!
[Roy groaning]
26 OUT OF 51.
NO. IT'S OVER.
BUT I'M JUST GETTIN'
WARMED UP.
DAD,
[panting]
WE COULD PLAY ALL NIGHT
AND EVEN IF BY SOME MIRACLE
YOU WERE TO BEAT ME...
[grunting]
YEAH?
[both panting]
...IT WOULDN'T
CHANGE ANYTHING.
ARE YOU SURE
YOU WON'T EVER
CHANGE YOUR MIND?
YEP.
EVER?
EVER.
BUT YOU DON'T
UNDERSTAND, R.J.
I GOT PLANS FOR YOU.
COLLEGE BALL, THE PROS.
THOSE ARE MY PLANS,
TOO, DAD.
BUT YOU'RE MY SON.
YOU'RE MY ONLY CHILD.
AND I ALWAYS WILL BE.
ARE YOU SURE THERE'S
NO CHANCE YOU'LL...
YOU'LL CHANGE
YOUR MIND, HUH?
WHAT DO YOU SAY?
SAY, ONE IN A MILLION?
NO.
OK, OK, OK.
ONE IN A BILLION?
THAT'S NEXT TO NOTHIN'.
IT'S PRACTICALLY NONEXISTENT,
COME ON.
WHAT DO YOU SAY,
ONE IN A BILLION?
JUST SO I CAN
SLEEP AT NIGHT, HUH?
HUH?
[sighing]
WELL, OK,
MAYBE ONE IN A BILLION.
I KNEW IT.
YOU'RE NOT SURE. COME ON.
LET'S START OVER.
BEST 2 OUT OF 3.
[taunting]
LOOKS LIKE ROY'S GONNA
FIGHT THIS ONE
TILL HE DROPS, HUH?
YEAH, WELL,
IT'S A TOUGH THING
FOR BOTH OF 'EM.
YEAH.
[laughing]
I WONDER HOW YOU'D FEEL
IF I TOLD YOU
I WAS GAY, HUH?
YOU'RE KIDDIN'.
YOU ARE, AREN'T YOU?
COME ON.
BE SERIOUS.
EVERYONE KNOWS.
WHAT?
COME ON, BRIAN,
LOOK AT THE WAY YOU WALK.
YEAH, VERY FUNNY.
VERY FUNNY.
WELL, I'D STAY AWAY
FROM THE WHARF
IF I WERE YOU.
SOME OF THOSE GUYS
HAVE BEEN OUT TO SEA
A PRETTY LONG TIME.
HEY, LISTEN, JOE,
IF YOU'RE TRYING
TO PROVE THAT YOU'VE GOT
A SENSE OF HUMOR,
I'M NOT BITIN'.
WHAT'S WRONG
WITH THE WAY I WALK?
NOTHIN' REALLY.
IT'S HARDLY NOTICEABLE.
YOU WERE RIGHT, GUYS.
BRIAN DOES WALK FUNNY.
WHAT?
[in a deeper voice]
I MEAN, WHAT?
YOU WROTE DOWN FOR ME,
I CAN'T TELL
IF THAT'S A 5 OR AN 8.
YOU KNOW,
I'VE ALWAYS HAD
THIS PROBLEM.
PEOPLE ARE ALWAYS
TELLING ME THAT MY 5s
LOOK LIKE 8s.
THEY SAY, "FAY,
YOUR 5s LOOK LIKE 8s."
AND THEY DO.
W-WELL, IS THIS
A 5 OR AN 8?
UM, A 7.
THANK YOU.
[seagulls cawing]
GOOD AFTERNOON,
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
WE ARE ABOUT TO BEGIN
PRE-BOARDING
SANDPIPER AIR FLIGHT 14
TO MARTHA'S VINEYARD,
HYANNIS,
AND CALCUTTA.
JUST CHECKING TO SEE
IF YOU WERE LISTENING.
EXCUSE ME.
CAN YOU DIRECT ME
TO THE LADIES' ROOM?
OH, UH, CERTAINLY.
UP THE STAIRS
AND TO YOUR RIGHT.
THANK YOU.
[telephones ringing]
WHOOP! WHOOP! WHOOP!
BATTLE STATIONS, EVERYONE.
WE GOT A LIVE ONE
ON THE STAIRS.
WHAT'S GOIN' ON?
WHAT THAT
UNSUSPECTING WOMAN
DOESN'T KNOW IS
THAT THE SIGNS ON THE MEN'S
AND LADIES' ROOMS
HAVE BEEN SWITCHED.
WHY?
BECAUSE IF YOU CAN'T
LAUGH AT YOURSELF,
LAUGH AT SOMEBODY ELSE.
(Brian)
NOW LET'S WATCH.
5, 4,
3, 2, 1.
HEY, SOMEBODY SWITCHED
THE SIGNS UP HERE.
IF I HADN'T STOPPED
THAT LADY,
SHE WOULD'VE GONE
RIGHT IN THE MEN'S ROOM.
WHAT'RE WE GONNA
DO WITH HIM?
[sighing]
I DON'T KNOW.
AS A CHILD,
THEY TOOK HIM TO HAVE
HIS TONSILS REMOVED,
BUT IN A TRAGIC MIX-UP
GAVE HIM A HUMORECTOMY.
MMM.
HEY, LOWELL, YOU WANNA
SWITCH THOSE SIGNS
BACK THE RIGHT WAY?
OK, BUT IT WON'T BE
HALF AS FUNNY.
HEY, HACKETT,
DID YOU SEE
TODAY'S SPORTS PAGE?
HOW'D THE CELTICS
DO YESTERDAY?
THEY COVER?
YEAH. THEY COVERED
THEIR FACES
WHEN THEY LEFT THE FLOOR.
PLAYED LIKE
A BUNCH OF JACKASSES.
SHOOT! THERE GOES
2 DAYS' TIPS.
NO CLAMS IN THE CHOWDER
THIS WEEK.
NO CLAMS IN THE CHOWDER
LAST WEEK.
IS IT MY FAULT
THE CELTS ARE
IN A SLUMP?
THERE'S AN ARTICLE
ABOUT MY BOY, R.J.
HE'S GONNA BE STARTING
DEFENSIVE TACKLE
FOR SIASCONSET HIGH
THIS FALL.
OH, REALLY?
I PLAYED SOME BALL
IN HIGH SCHOOL, TOO.
PLAYED SEMI-PRO MYSELF.
HAD GUYS LIKE YOU
FOR LUNCH.
MUST'VE HAD
QUITE A FEW OF 'EM.
ANYWAY, R.J. PLAYED
HIS FIRST SPRING SCRIMMAGE
YESTERDAY.
MADE 7 UNASSISTED TACKLES
AND KNOCKED OUT
THE STARTIN' HALFBACK.
THAT KID DIDN'T COME TO
FOR 5 MINUTES.
[chuckling]
THERE'S A KODAK MOMENT.
17 YEARS OLD,
GOT A 19-INCH NECK.
UH, DOES IT ACTUALLY
LOOK LIKE A NECK,
OR DOES HIS HEAD GROW
DIRECTLY INTO HIS SHOULDERS?
I HAD THAT KID PUMPIN' IRON
BY THE TIME
HE WAS 8 YEARS OLD.
HIS MOTHER USED TO HATE IT.
BUT WHAT THE HELL,
SHE'S DEAD NOW.
SEE,
THE THING IS
THESE KIDS ARE NOT
NATURALLY AGGRESSIVE.
YOU'VE GOTTA TEACH IT TO 'EM.
WELL, I TAUGHT R.J.
I TAUGHT HIM,
ANYBODY TRIES
TO GET PAST YOU,
ANYBODY TRIES TO MOVE IN
ON YOUR TERRITORY,
MOVE IN
ON YOUR BUSINESS,
A BUSINESS YOU STARTED
FROM NOTHIN',
POURED YOUR HEART
AND SOUL INTO
FOR 10 YEARS,
THEN YOU GOT EVERY RIGHT
TO CRUSH HIM
LIKE A SQUIRREL
IN A COMPACTOR.
MORE COFFEE, ROY?
NO, THANKS.
THAT 2ND CUP MAKES ME
A LITTLE EDGY.
IS IT JUST ME
OR DID THE VEINS
IN ROY'S NECK
JUST FORM
A GOAT'S HEAD?
WELL, I SHOULD'VE KNOWN.
KNOWN WHAT?
I GOT THIS REALLY WEIRD
PHONE CALL LAST NIGHT.
OH, BRIAN!
WASN'T ME!
HE'S RIGHT.
THERE WERE NO WET
SUCKING SOUNDS.
YEAH. THAT'S JUST
AN ICEBREAKER
AND, IF YOU'D QUIT HANGIN' UP,
YOU'D REALIZE THAT.
IT WAS ROY'S KID R.J.
HE WANTS TO START TAKING
CELLO LESSONS FROM ME.
HO, ROY'S GONNA
HATE THAT.
THAT'S WHY I TOLD HIM
HE BETTER CLEAR IT
WITH HIS DAD FIRST.
OH, BRIAN.
WHAT?
DO YOU THINK
HE ASKED HIM?
WELL, YOU GUYS
WERE SITTING HERE.
HE DIDN'T MENTION A THING
ABOUT CELLO LESSONS.
MY GUESS IS
THE KID CHICKENED OUT.
IT'S A SHAME.
IT'S REALLY A SHAME.
GUESS IT WOULD HAVE
MADE YOU FEEL PRETTY GOOD
TO GIVE A KID LIKE THAT
A LITTLE CULTURE
AND REFINEMENT.
OH, GET REAL.
I GOT GAMBLING DEBTS
TO PAY OFF.
HEY, HELEN,
DID R.J. CALL YOU
AND TALK ABOUT
TAKIN' SOME, UH,
CELLO LESSONS?
UH, YES, ROY, I WAS GONNA--
NO, NO.
I THINK
IT'S A GOOD IDEA.
(Helen)
YOU DO?
YEAH, YEAH.
ROY, THAT'S GREAT.
SO WHEN'S HE START?
UH, HE CAN
START TONIGHT.
UH, TELL HIM
TO COME HERE
AFTER WORK.
HERE? YOU GIVE
THE CELLO LESSONS HERE?
YEAH, MY LANDLADY'S
GIVING ME GRIEF AGAIN.
SHE SAYS THE NOISE
IS MAKING HER CAT STERILE.
I WISH YOU'D PLAY
FOR MY SISTER.
7:00 SHARP.
ROY, YOU SURPRISE ME.
CELLO LESSONS?
I'VE GOT MY REASONS.
COME HERE, GUYS.
YOU ALL GOTTA HEAR THIS.
COME HERE.
HEY, LOWELL.
LOWELL, GET YOUR BUTT
OVER HERE.
WELL, I GOTTA CHANGE
THE PLUGS ON A CESSNA
OUT HERE, ROY.
BUT, LOWELL, I HAVE
AN ANECDOTE FOR YOU.
PLUGS, ANECDOTE.
PLUGS, ANECDOTE.
AH, COLOR ME CURIOUS, ROY.
HEY, RUDY, COME HERE,
COME HERE. NOW GET THIS.
WHEN R.J. TOLD ME
HE WANTED TO TAKE
CELLO LESSONS
I THOUGHT
I WAS GONNA PUKE,
BUT THEN
HE GAVE ME
A REASON SO SWEET
THAT IT TOUCHED
THIS FATHER'S HEART.
AND THAT REASON WAS?
"DAD, I'M HORNY
FOR HELEN."
[all laughing]
HELEN IS GONNA TRY
AND TEACH MY KID THE CELLO
WHILE HE'S HUGGING HER LEG
LIKE A LOVESICK POODLE.
[all laughing]
[shushing]
HERE SHE COMES.
HERE SHE COMES. WATCH THIS.
HELEN, UH,
I'M CURIOUS ABOUT, UH,
YOUR TEACHING METHODS.
DO YOU, UH,
LECTURE THE STUDENTS
OR DO YOU PREFER
THE HANDS-ON TECHNIQUE?
OH, DEFINITELY THE HANDS-ON.
I LIKE THE PERSONAL CONTACT.
[both laughing]
AM I MISSING
SOMETHING, GUYS?
NO, NO, NO, NO.
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
LOWELL JUST MADE
A SILLY FACE.
CUT IT OUT, LOWELL.
SEE, I THINK R.J.'S
GONNA GET A LOT
OUT OF THIS.
HE'S-- HE'S BEEN AWFUL SHY
ABOUT PERFORMING.
DON'T YOU WORRY, ROY.
WHEN I GET THROUGH
WITH HIM,
HE'LL BE TAKIN' OUT
THAT INSTRUMENT
AND ENTERTAININ'
THE WHOLE FAMILY.
[all laughing]
HEY, ROY, DO YOU KNOW
WHERE R.J. IS?
HE SHOULD'VE BEEN HERE
20 MINUTES AGO
FOR HIS LESSON.
YOU'LL HAVE TO
FORGIVE HIM, HELEN,
HE'S ALWAYS LATE.
HE TAKES AFTER ME.
YOU AND R.J.
ARE REAL CLOSE,
AREN'T YOU?
EVER SINCE
HIS MOTHER DIED
HE'S ALL I GOT. GOD!
I LOVE THAT KID.
MMM.
AND UNLESS I MISS MY GUESS,
YONDER COMETH
THE YOUNG MAESTRO NOW.
(Roy)
THERE HE IS.
HERE'S MY BOY.
LOOKIN' MORE LIKE
HIS MOTHER EVERY DAY.
[exclaiming]
OH, SHE WAS
A HANDSOME WOMAN.
HEY, SORRY I'M LATE.
DAD, GUESS WHAT?
UH-HUH?
I BENCH PRESSED
350 POUNDS TODAY.
I COULD HAVE DONE THAT,
BUT IN MY DAY THEY DIDN'T
HAVE BENCHES THAT HEAVY.
[both laughing]
THAT'S A GOOD ONE, DAD.
I'LL HAVE TO REMEMBER
THAT ONE.
[both grunting]
MOM AND I USED TO
DO THAT AFTER SHOPPING.
HEY, WHY DON'T WE GO ON
OUT TO THE HANGAR
AND GET STARTED.
OK, BUT, I GOTTA TELL YOU,
I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING
ABOUT THIS.
I MEAN, I DON'T EVEN KNOW
WHERE TO PUT MY HANDS.
OH, DON'T WORRY.
I HAVE THIS
REALLY GOOD BOOK
THAT SHOWS YOU
ALL THE DIFFERENT POSITIONS.
[snickering]
"SHOWS YOU
ALL THE DIFFERENT POSITIONS."
"WHERE TO PUT
MY HANDS."
I TAKE IT
YOU DON'T READ MUSIC?
UH, NO.
OK, I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT
ALL OF MY BEGINNING STUDENTS
ARE REALLY YOUNG,
SO THESE BOOKS ARE
GEARED TOWARDS THEM.
PLEASE DON'T THINK
I'M INSULTING
YOUR INTELLIGENCE.
OK. NOW.
THE MAMA HEN IS
THE WHOLE NOTE
AND ALL THE LITTLE BABY CHICKS
ARE THE 8TH NOTES.
LOOK, A RABBIT.
GOOD, I'M NOT GOING
TOO FAST FOR YOU.
THIS STRING IS THE "G"
AND WE WILL PLAY IT
BY BOWING...
JUST ABOVE THE BRIDGE
LIKE SO.
[inaudible]
OK, YOU'RE GONNA KEEP
PLAYING THAT NOTE
AND WE'RE GONNA MASTER
JUST THAT ONE.
OK.
BOW.
JOE, WHAT DO YOU WANT?
WE'RE IN THE MIDDLE
OF A LESSON.
UH, WELL, THE GUYS DIDN'T
WANT YOU TO KNOW THIS,
BUT THE ONLY REASON R.J.'S
TAKIN' CELLO IS
HE'S GOT THE HOTS FOR YOU.
NOW, I--I JUST
DIDN'T WANT THEM LAUGHING
AT YOUR EXPENSE.
OH, JOE,
THAT'S SO SWEET.
YEAH, WELL.
I JUST THOUGHT
YOU SHOULD KNOW.
OH, NOT YOU, R.J.
THE BIG LUG'S SO SMITTEN,
HE'S TAKIN' LESSONS
JUST TO BE NEAR ME.
YOU'RE NOT UPSET?
OH, NO.
BUT THE GUYS MIGHT BE.
YOU SPOILED
A PRETTY GOOD GAG.
I THINK I'M GETTIN' BETTER.
LISTEN, R.J.
I KNOW THIS IS
A CONFUSING TIME FOR YOU.
THE BOY BECOMING A MAN...
STOP THAT!
THE BOY BECOMING A MAN.
YOUR HORMONES ARE BLITZING
YOUR BRAIN OUT,
THEREFORE YOU'RE DRAWN
TO AN OLDER WOMAN
FOR HER EXPERIENCE
AND FOR HER WISDOM.
WHO COULD BLAME YOU?
BUT YOU SHOULD BE
TAKING THE CELLO
BECAUSE YOU LOVE IT,
NOT BECAUSE YOU HAVE
SOME SCHOOLBOY CRUSH ON ME.
I DON'T HAVE A CRUSH ON YOU.
I JUST TOLD THAT TO MY DAD
SO I COULD TAKE THE LESSONS.
IT'S OK, R.J.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE
EMBARRASSED ABOUT IT.
I KNOW YOU'RE
ATTRACTED TO ME.
I'M NOT ATTRACTED TO YOU,
I SWEAR.
I JUST WANNA TAKE
THE LESSONS.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO
LIE, HONEY.
I'M NOT LYING.
AM I GETTIN'
CHUNKY AGAIN?
NO, YOU LOOK NICE.
IS IT MY HAIR? OH, I KNEW
I SHOULDN'T HAVE LET
THAT LADY CUT IT.
NO. THAT'S NOT IT.
OH, SO IT IS SOMETHING.
WHAT IS IT?
IS IT MY PERSONALITY?
IT'S THESE CLOTHES.
OH, IT'S THE ACCENT.
ALL OF THE ABOVE?
WELL, WHAT IS IT?
TELL ME!
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD,
YOU TELL ME!
IT'S NOT YOU, IT'S ME.
I'M GAY.
OH, THANK GOD.
[exclaiming]
UH, RUN THAT
BY ME AGAIN.
IT SOUNDED LIKE YOU SAID
THAT YOU WERE GAY.
I AM. CAN I LEARN
ANOTHER NOTE?
IN A MINUTE.
ARE YOU SURE
ABOUT THIS GAY THING?
I MEAN,
YOU'RE A YOUNG GUY.
HAVE YOU ACTUALLY
DONE ANYTHING ABOUT IT YET?
WELL, NOT REALLY.
I MEAN,
I HAVEN'T FOUND ANYBODY
TO BE GAY WITH.
I THINK
YOU NEED SOMEONE.
IT HELPS.
WELL, THEN,
HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU ARE?
WELL, I'VE HAD
THESE FEELINGS
FOR A LONG TIME
AND I'VE GONE
TO THE LIBRARY
AND READ A LOT.
AND DONAHUE DID
A WHOLE WEEK ON IT.
YOU KNOW, YOU'RE
THE FIRST PERSON
I'VE TOLD,
BUT, NOW THAT
I'VE TOLD YOU,
I FEEL GOOD.
MATTER OF FACT,
I FEEL REAL GOOD.
I--I FEEL FREE.
I FEEL LIKE
TELLING EVERYONE.
JUST CAME IN
TO SAY GOOD NIGHT.
FAY, I'M GAY.
OH! OF COURSE
YOU ARE, DEAR.
YOU'RE YOUNG AND HEALTHY.
YOUR WHOLE LIFE'S
AHEAD OF YOU.
WHO WOULDN'T BE GAY?
WELL, GOOD NIGHT.
THAT WAS REALLY EASY.
YOU KNOW DONAHUE SAID
IT COULD BE LIKE THIS.
HEY, R.J.,
LESSON'S OVER?
HEY, JOE, GUESS WHAT.
I'M GAY.
UH, WHY NOT?
HELEN, 5 MINUTES AGO
THIS KID HAD
A CRUSH ON YOU,
NOW HE'S GAY.
WHAT ON EARTH
DID YOU DO TO HIM?
EXCUSE US,
EXCUSE US.
JUST GETTIN' A SODA.
WE DON'T WANNA INTERRUPT
GOD KNOWS WHAT.
YOU GUYS AREN'T
INTERRUPTING ANYTHING.
I WAS JUST TELLIN' JOE
I'M GAY.
[exclaiming]
CHECK PLEASE.
LOOK, JOE,
I KNOW YOU'RE DESPERATE
TO PROVE WHAT A WACKY GUY
YOU ARE,
BUT PUTTIN' A KID
UP TO THIS?
JOE DIDN'T
PUT HIM UP TO IT,
IT'S TRUE.
R.J. JUST TOLD ROY
THAT HE WAS
INTERESTED IN ME
SO HE COULD
TAKE THESE LESSONS.
OH.
SO YOU SAY
YOU'RE GAY, HUH?
HMM. GAY, REALLY?
NO.
YES.
NO.
WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO
TO PROVE IT TO YOU?
NOTHING.
ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.
R.J., HAVE YOU TOLD
YOUR FATHER ABOUT THIS?
NO, NOT YET, BUT--
WAIT RIGHT HERE.
HE HASN'T TOLD ROY YET
THAT HE'S GAY.
PLEASE, YOU GUYS,
YOU'VE GOT TO LET ME TELL HIM
THAT HE'S GAY.
PLEASE, OH, PLEASE,
OH, PLEASE, OH, PLEASE,
OH, PLEASE.
BRIAN.
DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA
WHAT THAT WOULD DO
TO ROY?
YEAH. PLEASE, OH, PLEASE,
OH, PLEASE OH, PLEASE--
FORGET IT, BRIAN.
A LOT OF PEOPLE COULD
HANDLE THIS INFORMATION,
BUT WE'RE TALKING
ABOUT ROY BIGGINS HERE.
SO, WE'VE ALL AGREED.
HE CAN'T KNOW, OK?
[all mumbling]
(R.J.)
OK, GUYS, I'LL SEE YOU LATER.
I'M GONNA GO TELL DAD.
(Helen)
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, R.J.
LOOK, I KNOW THAT SHARING
THIS NEWS MAKES YOU
FEEL REAL GOOD.
AND WE'RE ALL GLAD FOR YOU.
AND I WANT YOU TO KNOW
THAT YOU HAVE OUR SUPPORT
IN TELLING ANYONE YOU WANT,
BUT I DON'T THINK
YOUR DAD SHOULD BE
ONE OF THEM.
BUT DAD'S MY BEST FRIEND.
HE SAID I COULD TALK TO HIM
ABOUT ANYTHING.
DID HE SPECIFICALLY
MENTION THIS?
WELL, NO.
M-MAYBE YOU GUYS
ARE RIGHT.
I MEAN, I WENT THIS LONG
WITHOUT TELLING HIM.
I GUESS, I CAN GO
A LITTLE LONGER.
YEAH, OF COURSE
YOU CAN.
BUT REMEMBER,
IF YOU CHANGE YOUR MIND
ABOUT TELLING YOUR DAD,
PLEASE CALL ME.
I'M AVAILABLE
24 HOURS A DAY.
I'M EVEN THINKING
OF GETTING A BEEPER.
[telephones ringing]
(Fay)
JOE?
UH, JOE,
I WAS WONDERING,
WOULD IT
BE A PROBLEM IF I LEFT
A LITTLE EARLY, TODAY?
I HAVE MY MODERN DANCE CLASS
AT THE SENIORS' CENTER.
OH, YEAH, SURE, FAY.
GO AHEAD. HAVE FUN.
I--I WOULDN'T ASK,
BUT IF I'M LATE
I GET STUCK WITH MR. HOFFMAN
AS MY PARTNER.
HE HAS TROUBLE LIFTING ME
OVER HIS HEAD.
FAY, DOES YOUR DANCE GROUP
EVER GIVE RECITALS?
YES, THEY DO.
NEXT TIME INVITE ME.
WILL DO.
HELEN, WHERE
YOU GOING?
I'M GOING TO GIVE
R.J. HIS LESSON.
I'M BEGGING YOU,
YOU GOT TO LET ME
TELL ROY ABOUT HIS KID.
ABSOLUTELY NOT.
OH, BUT YOU DON'T
UNDERSTAND.
I GOT ALL THIS INFORMATION
BUILDING UP INSIDE OF ME.
I'M GONNA HURT
SOMETHING INTERNALLY.
WELL, IF YOU TELL HIM,
I'LL HURT SOMETHING
EXTERNALLY.
ALL RIGHT,
YEAH, WELL, HE'S GONNA
FIND OUT SOON ENOUGH.
OK, WHAT DO YOU MEAN
BY THAT?
WORD'S OUT
ALL AROUND TOWN.
OH, YOU'RE EXAGGERATING.
HELEN, R.J.'S ORGANIZING
A NANTUCKET GAY PRIDE PARADE.
IF I DON'T TELL ROY,
HE'S GONNA LEARN IT
FROM A FLOAT.
YOU STAY OUT OF THIS.
WELL, IF I CAN'T TELL ROY,
CAN I AT LEAST TAKE HIM
TO THE PARADE?
R.J., WE HAVE TO TALK.
LOOK, I KNOW WE TOLD YOU
THAT IT WOULD BE BAD FOR YOU
TO TELL YOUR FATHER.
BUT DO YOU KNOW
WHAT WOULD BE WORSE?
HIM FINDING OUT
FROM SOMEONE ELSE.
AND THAT IS
A DISTINCT POSSIBILITY.
BECAUSE YOU HAVE BEEN
A BUSY LITTLE FELLOW,
HAVEN'T YOU?
I'M GAY AND I'M PROUD.
SAVE IT FOR THE PARADE.
OH? YOU KNOW ABOUT THAT?
I'M THE GRAND MARSHAL.
CONGRATULATIONS.
LISTEN, ROY,
YOU BETTER GET IN HERE.
YOUR SON HAS SOMETHING
PRETTY IMPORTANT TO TELL YOU
AND IT CAN'T WAIT.
OK.
EVERYTHING'S GONNA BE
ALL RIGHT.
WHY DON'T YOU
TAKE A DEEP BREATH?
THAT USUALLY HELPS ME RELAX.
YOU CAN
LET IT OUT NOW.
[exhaling]
LISTEN ROY,
JUST REMEMBER,
NO MATTER
WHAT YOU'RE ABOUT TO HEAR,
YOUR SON LOVES YOU.
R.J., I--I DON'T KNOW
WHAT'S GOING ON HERE,
BUT I GOTTA TELL YOU,
I'M A LITTLE SCARED.
THE WAY SHE'S TALKIN',
SOUNDS LIKE YOU GOT
SOME BAD NEWS.
DON'T WORRY, SON,
YOUR OLD MAN CAN TAKE IT.
JUST GIVE IT
TO ME STRAIGHT.
DON'T HOLD BACK.
[groaning]
DAD, I'M GAY.
DAD?
DAD!
DAD?
WHAT DID YOU SAY?
I SAID I'M--
[groaning]
STOP RIGHT THERE.
YOU--YOU GO ON HOME.
I'M GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE.
THIS WHOLE THING
NEVER HAPPENED.
DAD, IT'S TRUE.
LOOK, I DON'T KNOW
WHAT KIND OF
ARTSY-FARTSY IDEAS
HELEN'S PUTTIN' IN YOUR HEAD,
BUT YOU ARE NOT...
[gasping]
GAY.
LET ME EXPLAIN--
I DON'T WANT
ANY EXPLANATIONS.
YOU ARE NOT...
[gasping]
GAY.
AM, TOO.
ARE NOT.
AM, TOO, DAMN IT.
ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.
WE ARE GONNA SETTLE THIS
LIKE MEN.
HOW?
GIMME A MINUTE.
I'LL THINK OF SOMETHIN'.
YOU AND ME, ONE-ON-ONE.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
IF YOU WIN, YOU CAN BE GAY,
IF NOT, YOU CAN'T.
DAD, THIS IS REALLY WEIRD.
DON'T TALK TO ME
ABOUT WEIRD.
LET'S DO IT.
[both grunting]
I LET YOU DO THAT.
GIVE IT UP, DAD,
I'M YOUNGER THAN YOU,
I'M QUICKER THAN YOU--
IN YOUR FACE.
[both panting]
HEY, GUYS, WHAT'S UP?
NOTHING.
IT'S-- IT'S NONE
OF YOUR BUSINESS.
DAD, IT'S-- IT'S OK.
THEY KNOW.
FOR THE LOVE OF MIKE,
R.J., THAT'S JUST
A FIGURE OF SPEECH.
YOU TOLD HIM?
[groaning]
THAT JUST TEARS IT.
WHAT HAPPENED?
HE FAINTED.
[groaning]
HE FAINTED. AH, JOE...
BRIAN, BRIAN,
IT'S-- IT'S OK.
YOU'LL GET OVER IT.
ISN'T THIS SORT OF
A STRANGE TIME
TO BE PLAYING BASKETBALL?
IT'S A CONTEST.
IF I WIN, I'M GAY,
IF DAD WINS, I'M NOT.
WELL, HAVE FUN.
THAT SORT OF PUTS
A WHOLE NEW SLANT
ON THE N.B.A., DOESN'T IT?
THAT'S IT, I WIN.
I'M GAY!
2 OUT OF 3.
HUH?
COME ON, 2 OUT OF 3.
NO WAY.
NO WAY, DAD.
YOU SAID IF I WON,
I COULD BE GAY.
AND I WON
FAIR AND SQUARE,
SO I'M GAY!
YEAH, WELL, I'M YOUR FATHER.
2 OUT OF 3. COME ON!
[Roy groaning]
26 OUT OF 51.
NO. IT'S OVER.
BUT I'M JUST GETTIN'
WARMED UP.
DAD,
[panting]
WE COULD PLAY ALL NIGHT
AND EVEN IF BY SOME MIRACLE
YOU WERE TO BEAT ME...
[grunting]
YEAH?
[both panting]
...IT WOULDN'T
CHANGE ANYTHING.
ARE YOU SURE
YOU WON'T EVER
CHANGE YOUR MIND?
YEP.
EVER?
EVER.
BUT YOU DON'T
UNDERSTAND, R.J.
I GOT PLANS FOR YOU.
COLLEGE BALL, THE PROS.
THOSE ARE MY PLANS,
TOO, DAD.
BUT YOU'RE MY SON.
YOU'RE MY ONLY CHILD.
AND I ALWAYS WILL BE.
ARE YOU SURE THERE'S
NO CHANCE YOU'LL...
YOU'LL CHANGE
YOUR MIND, HUH?
WHAT DO YOU SAY?
SAY, ONE IN A MILLION?
NO.
OK, OK, OK.
ONE IN A BILLION?
THAT'S NEXT TO NOTHIN'.
IT'S PRACTICALLY NONEXISTENT,
COME ON.
WHAT DO YOU SAY,
ONE IN A BILLION?
JUST SO I CAN
SLEEP AT NIGHT, HUH?
HUH?
[sighing]
WELL, OK,
MAYBE ONE IN A BILLION.
I KNEW IT.
YOU'RE NOT SURE. COME ON.
LET'S START OVER.
BEST 2 OUT OF 3.
[taunting]
LOOKS LIKE ROY'S GONNA
FIGHT THIS ONE
TILL HE DROPS, HUH?
YEAH, WELL,
IT'S A TOUGH THING
FOR BOTH OF 'EM.
YEAH.
[laughing]
I WONDER HOW YOU'D FEEL
IF I TOLD YOU
I WAS GAY, HUH?
YOU'RE KIDDIN'.
YOU ARE, AREN'T YOU?
COME ON.
BE SERIOUS.
EVERYONE KNOWS.
WHAT?
COME ON, BRIAN,
LOOK AT THE WAY YOU WALK.
YEAH, VERY FUNNY.
VERY FUNNY.
WELL, I'D STAY AWAY
FROM THE WHARF
IF I WERE YOU.
SOME OF THOSE GUYS
HAVE BEEN OUT TO SEA
A PRETTY LONG TIME.
HEY, LISTEN, JOE,
IF YOU'RE TRYING
TO PROVE THAT YOU'VE GOT
A SENSE OF HUMOR,
I'M NOT BITIN'.
WHAT'S WRONG
WITH THE WAY I WALK?
NOTHIN' REALLY.
IT'S HARDLY NOTICEABLE.
YOU WERE RIGHT, GUYS.
BRIAN DOES WALK FUNNY.
WHAT?
[in a deeper voice]
I MEAN, WHAT?