Wings (1990–1997): Season 1, Episode 6 - All for One and Two for Helen - full transcript

[seagulls cawing]

I'M TELLING YOU, LADY,
YOU STAY AWAY FROM MY HANGAR.

WELL, YOU STAY AWAY
FROM MY BIRDS.

I DIDN'T TOUCH
THOSE STUPID BIRDS,

AND THEY'RE NOT
YOUR BIRDS ANYWAY.

THEY ARE, TOO,
I ADOPTED THEM.

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.

WHAT'S GOING ON?

THIS KOOK THAT YOU'VE GOT
WORKING FOR YOU

WAS OVER BY MY HANGAR
IN THE TALL GRASS

CRAWLING AROUND
ON HER BELLY.



SHE LOOKED LIKE
SOME MUTANT GOPHER.

WELL, YOU'RE NO
MAGAZINE COVER YOURSELF.

HEY, YOU...
GUYS, GUYS, GUYS, GUYS,

NOW, LET'S JUST GET
TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS.

NOW, FIRST OF ALL,
WHAT IS THAT THING?

UH, WELL,
IT'S MY OWN INVENTION.

I--I USE IT
TO PEEK AROUND CORNERS
AND LOOK AT BIRDS WITH.

I CALL IT, "THE THING I USE
TO PEEK AROUND CORNERS
AND LOOK AT BIRDS WITH."

WORKS FOR ME.
I DON'T CARE
WHAT SHE CALLS IT.

JUST TELL HER TO
KEEP IT AWAY FROM MY HANGAR.

I'M USING IT TO GET
A GOOD LOOK AT
3 SHORT-EARED OWLS

THAT ARE NESTING OUT THERE.

IF ROY HAS HIS WAY,
HE'S GOING TO BUILD
AN ADDITION TO HIS HANGAR

RIGHT ON TOP OF THEM.



I NEED THAT EXTRA SPACE
FOR A HANGAR TO PARK
MY NEW PLANE.

ROY, COULDN'T YOU PUT IT
SOMEWHERE ELSE?

I'VE GOT A SUGGESTION.

YOU AND ME,
THE PARKING LOT,
ANYTIME YOU'RE READY, GRANNY.

FOR GOD'S SAKE, ROY--
SHE'S BEEN ASKIN' FOR IT.

GIVE ME
YOUR BEST SHOT, LUMPY.

HEY, COME ON,
YOU TWO.

JOE, CAN YOU COME TO THE NEXT
AIRPORT COMMITTEE MEETING

AND HELP US
SAVE THE OWLS?

COME ON, COME ON, HACKETT,
THIS REALLY DOESN'T
CONCERN YOU.

AND BESIDES,
SOMEDAY YOU MIGHT WANT ME
TO RETURN THE FAVOR, HMM?

FAY, ROY'S RIGHT.

IF I ATTEND THAT MEETING
I COULD SERIOUSLY JEOPARDIZE
MY RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM.

WHAT TIME
SHOULD I BE THERE?

8:00.

OH, YOU'RE
A SWEETHEART, JOE.

THANKS FOR A WONDERFUL FLIGHT.

HEY, THE PLEASURE WAS
ALL MINE, GLORIA.

BY THE WAY,
HAVE YOU SIGNED UP FOR
OUR BONUS TRAVEL MILES?

I DIDN'T KNOW YOU HAD
ONE OF THOSE PROGRAMS?

I DON'T, BUT FOR YOU,
I'D START ONE.

NOW, IF YOU JUST GIVE ME
YOUR PHONE NUMBER,
YOU CAN SIT IN FIRST CLASS.

IF YOU HAVE
DINNER WITH ME,

YOU CAN SIT ON MY LAP.

GET SERIOUS.

BRIAN, I'D APPRECIATE IT
IF YOU WOULDN'T USE MY AIRLINE
AS A DATING SERVICE.

HEY, JOE, EXPLAIN TO ME AGAIN
WHY WE HAVE THIS AIRLINE.

YOU KNOW, DAD WAS RIGHT.
WE SHOULD'VE HAD YOU NEUTERED
ALONG WITH RANGER.

(Brian)
HOLD THOSE SCISSORS, JOE,

I GOT A BIG SURPRISE
FOR YOU.

YOU, TOO, HELEN.
SHAKE IT ON OVER HERE.

HEY, GUYS,

YOU KNOW HOW WE'RE ALWAYS
SAYING THAT WE NEVER GET
TOGETHER, JUST THE 3 OF US,

YOU KNOW,
LIKE WHEN WE WERE KIDS.

YEAH.

WELL, LISTEN TO THIS.

FRIDAY NIGHT,

3 SEATS, CENTER COURT
CELTICS-KNICKS GAME.

YOU'RE KIDDING ME,
THAT'S GREAT.

HOW DID YOU SCORE
TICKETS LIKE THAT?

AH, A FRIEND OF MINE
DID ME A LITTLE FAVOR.

YOU REMEMBER JERRY
WHO WORKS OVER
AT AIR FREIGHT AT LOGAN?

THE GUY WITH THE HOLE
IN HIS CHEEK?
YEAH.

WELL, HE HAS ACCESS
TO LARRY BIRD'S PERSONAL--

LARRY BIRD'S PERSONAL SEATS!
I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!

NO, HE HAS ACCESS
TO LARRY BIRD'S
PERSONAL PLUMBER.

AND HE GOT US THE SEATS?

NO. WHEN ALL WAS
SAID AND DONE,

WE GOT THE TICKETS
FROM A GIRL NAMED BABS.

OH, WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?
I AM THERE.
YEAH, ME, TOO.

THIS IS GONNA BE
LIKE OLD TIMES.

THE 3 MUSKETEERS
TOGETHER AGAIN.

[shouting]

SO, UH, WHAT DO WE OWE
BABS FOR THE TICKETS?

I CAN ANSWER THAT
IN 3 SIMPLE WORDS.

BONUS TRAVEL MILES.

CONGRATULATIONS.
HOPE YOU ENJOY
YOUR HONEYMOON.

HI, FAY.
HI, JOE.
HOW WAS THE FLIGHT?

OH, THE FLIGHT WAS
A PIECE OF CAKE.

THE HARD PART WAS
GETTING THOSE TWO

TO RETURN THEIR SEATS
TO THE UPRIGHT POSITION.

WELL, I'M GLAD
TO SEE YOU'RE IN SUCH
A CHIPPER MOOD TODAY.

YEAH, WHY SHOULDN'T I BE?
I'M GOING TO
THE CELTICS GAME TONIGHT.

OH, NO, YOU'RE NOT.

WHAT--WHAT?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

ROY FOUND OUT YOU WERE GOING
TO THE GAME TONIGHT,

AND HE GOT
THE AIRPORT COMMITTEE
TO CALL AN EMERGENCY MEETING.

NO, NO, NO,
NO, NO, NO.

YOU, UH, YOU'RE GONNA
HAVE TO FIND SOMEONE ELSE
TO HANDLE THAT OWL THING.

WHAT ABOUT THE PRESIDENT OF
THE NANTUCKET NATURE SOCIETY?

LOIS--
LOIS SANDERS.
NO, I'M AFRAID NOT.

YOU REMEMBER THAT
BUMPER STICKER SHE HAS
ON HER CAR,

"I BRAKE FOR FIELD MICE"?

WELL, SHE DID AND GOT
REAR-ENDED BY A BUS.

I PAID HER A VISIT
IN THE HOSPITAL.

SHE'S DOIN' FINE.

WELL, SHE'S STILL A LITTLE
SKITTISH IF YOU COME UP
BEHIND HER AND GO, "BEEP."

SO YOU'VE-- YOU'VE GOT TO
COME TO THE MEETING, JOE.
YOU'RE MY ONLY HOPE.

OH, NO, NO, FAY.

NO, NO, PLEASE.

WE'RE TALKIN' ABOUT
THE KNICKS AND THE CELTICS.

YOU PROMISED.

SHE'S GOT YOU THERE, JOE.

UNLESS YOU HAD
YOUR FINGERS CROSSED,
YOU'RE DEAD MEAT.

BUT...

OH, ALL RIGHT.

GOOD, BE THERE AT 8:00.
IT SHOULD BE FUN.

FRANK GOODMAN'S TWINS
HAD THEIR TONSILS OUT AND
HE'S GOING TO BRING THEM.

THE--THE TWINS,
I--I THINK.

BAD NEWS, GUYS.
I CAN'T GO TO THE GAME.

I GOTTA GO TO THIS AIRPORT
COMMITTEE MEETING TONIGHT.

OH, NO, JOE.
YEAH, I'M AFRAID SO,

BUT YOU'LL HAVE TO
PROMISE ME

THAT YOU TWO WON'T
LET MY NOT GOING
STAND IN YOUR WAY.

STAND IN OUR WAY OF WHAT?

GOING TO THE GAME, YOU KNOW,
THE 3 MUSKETEERS AND ALL.

IT WOULD BE JUST LIKE YOU GUYS
TO CANCEL IT
'CAUSE I CAN'T MAKE IT.

GOOD ONE, JOE.

COOL, COOL.

SO, WHAT TIME DO YOU
WANNA GET GOING?

SOMEWHERE AROUND 6:00.
ALL RIGHT,
THAT'S FINE FOR ME.

[door opening]

(Brian)
JOEY, WHAT'S UP?

UH, I'M TRYING TO RECONCILE
THESE FUEL BILLS
AGAINST THE ORIGINAL ORDERS.

OH, WELL, DON'T LET ME
BOTHER YOU.

[imitating Ping-Pong game]

[imitating Ping-Pong ball
bouncing away]

DID YOU WANT SOMETHING?

WELL, ACTUALLY,
I JUST CAME BY
TO SAY THAT, UH,

IT'S NOT GONNA BE
THE SAME WITHOUT YOU TONIGHT.

HEY, YOU WON'T BE
NEEDING THIS, RIGHT?

LOOK, UH,
I'M KIND OF BUSY HERE.
I GOTTA FINISH--

HEY, I'M BOTHERING YOU.
BOTHERING YOU.

SORRY, SORRY,
SORRY, SORRY, SORRY.

SORRY.

[tapping pencil]

YOU KNOW,
THERE IS ONE THING, THOUGH.

THAT I--I KNOW
I'VE ASKED YOU
THIS BEFORE, MAYBE,

BUT JUST IN CASE
ANYTHING'S CHANGED,
YOU KNOW--

WHAT? WHAT?

WELL, YOU AND HELEN?

IS THERE, UH--
IS THERE ANYTHING GOING ON
BETWEEN YOU GUYS?

YOU KNOW, I MEAN, UH,
HAVE YOU EVER SEEN
HER CELLO OUT OF ITS CASE?

AM I MAKING MYSELF CLEAR?
YOU KNOW?

UH, I TOLD YOU.
WE'RE JUST FRIENDS.

GOOD. SEE YOU.

WHY DO YOU ASK?

OH, IT'S NOTHING IMPORTANT.

IT'S-- IT'S JUST SOMETHING
I THOUGHT I PICKED UP ON,

YOU KNOW.
PICKED UP ON?

YEAH.
WHY? DID HELEN SAY
SOMETHING ABOUT ME?

NO, NO, NO, NO.
I-I-I'M JUST TRYING TO BE
A LITTLE EXTRA CAREFUL,

YOU KNOW,
GIVEN OUR PAST HISTORY
WITH WOMEN AND ALL.

OH, YOU MEAN, LIKE,
WHEN YOU RAN OFF WITH CAROL

EVEN THOUGH AT THE TIME
SHE WAS MY GIRLFRIEND?

YEAH, THAT'S A GOOD EXAMPLE.
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

BUT, UH, THIS TIME I WANNA
MAKE SURE THAT NOBODY'S
TOES GET STEPPED ON.

SEE YA.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN,
THIS TIME?

JOE, JOE,
WHEN A MAN AND A WOMAN
ARE ALONE TOGETHER,

THINGS CAN HAPPEN.

AND SO IF BY CHANCE
OR BY THE GRACE OF GOD,
THINGS HAPPEN WITH HELEN,

I'LL JUST FEEL A LOT BETTER
KNOWING I HAVE YOUR BLESSING.
THANK YOU.

OH, WAIT A MINUTE.
I DIDN'T GIVE YOU MY BLESSING.

I SIMPLY ANSWERED
A YES OR NO QUESTION.

BESIDES, YOU'RE FORGETTING
HELEN'S RULES.

SHE DOESN'T DATE PILOTS.

WELL, SO SHE SAYS,

BUT, UH,
IF OPPORTUNITY DOES KNOCK,

I WANNA KNOW HOW MUCH
TO BE WEARING
WHEN I ANSWER THE DOOR.

YOU'RE DREAMIN'.

HEY--HEY--HEY,
DAMN RIGHT.

WELL, SEE YOU LATER.

WISH US LUCK.

RIGHT. GO, CELTS.

HUH?

OH, OH, YEAH. YEAH, YEAH.

[chuckling]
CELTS.

(Roy)
THE AIRPORT IS A MAJOR
TRANSPORTATION ARTERY

TO THIS ISLAND.

I CAN'T BELIEVE WE'RE SITTING
AROUND HERE TALKING ABOUT
SOME COCKEYED OWLS.

SHORT-EARED OWLS.

HEY, JOE,
HEAR WHAT HAPPENED
TO THE CELTICS?

A WATER PIPE BROKE
AT THE GARDEN THIS AFTERNOON
AND FLOODED THE COURT.

THEY HAD TO
CALL OFF THE GAME.

REALLY? WELL, THEN
I DIDN'T MISS ANYTHING.
THAT'S GREAT.

NO, IT ISN'T.

IF THERE WASN'T A GAME,
WHAT ARE BRIAN
AND HELEN DOING?

AND WHERE
ARE THEY DOING IT?

JOE, I BELIEVE
YOU'RE, UH, NEXT UP.

WELL, THOSE OWLS SEEM
TO BE DOING JUST FINE,

SO I THINK WE SHOULD
LEAVE WELL ENOUGH ALONE.

YOU CALL THAT PROGRESS?

ROY, THOSE 3 OWLS
SHOULD BE TOGETHER.

JOE, NOBODY SAID ANYTHING
ABOUT SEPARATING THEM.

NOBODY EVER DOES.
IT JUST HAPPENS.

SEE, THE BALANCE OF NATURE
IS VERY DELICATE.

I MEAN, THE SLIGHTEST
LITTLE DISTURBANCE

AND EVERYTHING CAN
GO OFF KILTER.

I MEAN, HERE WE HAVE
3 OWLS WHO ARE
PERFECTLY HAPPY TOGETHER.

BUT WHAT IF ONE DAY
2 OF THOSE OWLS
DECIDED TO FLY AWAY

TO BOSTON, FOR EXAMPLE?

LEAVING THE 3RD OWL
TO DO HIS CIVIC DUTY.

OH, SURE, SURE,
IT MIGHT START OFF
WITH JUST BASKETBALL.

BUT WHAT IF THAT GAME
WERE CANCELLED?

WHAT WOULD THEY DO THEN?

THINK ABOUT IT.

2 HEALTHY, ATTRACTIVE OWLS.

BEFORE LONG, THEY WOULDN'T
EVEN LET THEIR LIFELONG FRIEND
BACK INTO THE NEST.

THE FRIEND THAT WAS ALWAYS
THERE WHEN THEY NEEDED HIM.

DOES THAT SOUND FAIR?
I THINK NOT.

THE GOOD OWL,
THE RESPONSIBLE OWL

WOULD BE STUCK OUT
IN THE COLD ALL BY HIMSELF

WHILE THE OTHER 2 OWLS WERE
OFF LAUGHING AND HAVING FUN.

JOE.

HUH?

OH.

SAVE THE OWLS.

[whistling]

THANK YOU, JOE.

AND BEFORE WE LEAVE TONIGHT,
LET'S MAKE SURE JOE HAS
A DESIGNATED DRIVER.

WELL, TIME TO VOTE.

EXCUSE ME.

I HEARD JOE MENTION OWLS
AND I DON'T KNOW
IF THIS HAS ANY RELEVANCE

BUT, UH, I WAS OUT BY
ROY'S HANGAR

AND I RAN OVER 3 OF THEM
IN MY PICKUP.

[laughing]

MEETING'S ADJOURNED.

REFRESHMENTS ARE OVER
AT THE COUNTER.

GEE, FAY,
I'M REALLY SORRY.

IF IT'S ANY CONSOLATION,
I DON'T THINK
THE OWLS SUFFERED.

YOU CRUSHED THEM
WITH A TRUCK!

BUT REAL QUICK.

I HAD TO BE DOIN'
A GOOD 40.

CHICKEN WING, FAY?

[keys rattling]

(Helen)
THAT WAS A VERY
SPECIAL EVENING, BRIAN.

I HAD NO IDEA YOU COULD DO
A FLAMING SWORD DANCE.
AH.

HEY, NO ONE WAS
MORE SURPRISED THAN ME,

EXCEPT MAYBE THE TOURISTS
AT THE OLD NORTH CHURCH.

I REALLY HAD A GOOD TIME.
YEAH, ME, TOO.
ME, TOO.

HEY, WHY DON'T YOU COME IN
FOR SOME COFFEE?

REALLY?
ME IN THE INNER SANCTUM?

WELL, SO LONG AS
I'M ALREADY HERE.

HOPE INSTANT'S OK?

YEAH, BUT, UH,
MAKE IT QUICK.

HEY, NICE SHOT
OF YOUR PARENTS.

YOU KNOW, I ALWAYS GOT
THE FEELING THAT YOUR OLD MAN,
UH, WASN'T TOO FOND OF ME.

NO, THAT WAS MOM.

DAD COULDN'T STAND YOU.

HMM.

I'LL BE OUT
IN A MINUTE.

YOU JUST MAKE YOURSELF
COMFORTABLE.

COMFORTABLE.

[utensils rattling]
I CAN DO COMFORTABLE.

(Helen)
IT'S TOO BAD
JOE COULDN'T MAKE IT TONIGHT.

YEAH, IT'S A REAL SHAME.

BUT ON THE OTHER HAND,

IT DID GIVE YOU AND ME
A CHANCE TO BECOME
REACQUAINTED.

YEAH, I HAVEN'T FELT
THIS CLOSE TO YOU IN YEARS.

YOU KNOW, BRIAN,
I FEEL THE EXACT SAME WAY.

I REMEMBER WHEN
I MOVED HERE FROM TEXAS.

I DON'T KNOW
WHAT I WOULD'VE DONE
WITHOUT YOU AND JOE.

YOU GUYS WERE
MY ONLY FRIENDS.

AND EVERYONE ELSE WAS
AFRAID TO EVEN TALK TO ME.

HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT?

WELL, I'M KIND OF ASHAMED
TO ADMIT THIS,

BUT ALL NIGHT
I KEPT EXPECTING YOU

TO MAKE SOME
ASININE SCHOOLBOY PASS AT ME.

BOY, WOULDN'T THAT HAVE RUINED
THE WHOLE EVENING?

IT WOULD?

IT SURE WOULD.

IT WOULD HAVE TAKEN A NICE
TIME AND TURNED IT INTO
SOMETHING CHEAP.

[kettle hissing]

YOU KNOW, THESE DAYS,
ALL GUYS SEEM TO BE
INTERESTED IN IS SCORING.

BOY, IS THAT A TURNOFF.

YEAH, COULDN'T AGREE
WITH YOU MORE.

IF THEY ONLY KNEW
HOW STUPID IT MADE
THEM LOOK.

YEAH.

YEAH, STUPID.

DO YOU TAKE CREAM?

OH, OK.

[snorting]

THIS IS REALLY AMUSING.
OH, BOY.

GREAT MOMENTS
IN BRITISH HISTORY?

YEAH, YEAH.
CHURCHILL JUST GAVE
THE QUEEN A WEDGIE.

BRIAN, CAN I ASK YOU
A PERSONAL QUESTION?

YEAH. I WISH YOU WOULD.

WHY DID YOU EVER
MARRY CAROL?

I MEAN, HERE YOU WERE,
A REASONABLY NICE GUY,

TAKEN IN BY A MANIPULATIVE,

OVERSEXED, HOT-PANTSED,
LITTLE LIAR.

HMM.

WHAT COULD IT HAVE BEEN?

COME ON, BRIAN, BE SERIOUS.
OK. OK.

[clearing throat]

I... OH, GOSH,
I MARRIED CAROL BECAUSE,

UH, WHEN IT CAME TO HER,
I COULDN'T SAY NO TO ANYTHING.

AND, UM, I GAVE HER
WHATEVER SHE WANTED

AND FOR A SHORT TIME,
I GUESS SHE WANTED ME.

SO...

[sighs]

I WAS HURT, HELEN.

HURT BADLY.

AND, YOU KNOW,
I'M NOT ASHAMED
TO ADMIT THAT

IN THE SOLITUDE
OF MY ROOM, I HAVE WEPT.

I SOMETIMES WONDER
IF I'LL EVER BE ABLE
TO TOUCH A WOMAN AGAIN.

DO I REALLY LOOK
THAT STUPID TO YOU?

OF COURSE NOT,
BUT LOOKS CAN BE DECEIVING.

YOU KNOW,
IT'S REALLY TOO BAD, BRIAN.

I REALLY HOPED WE'D GET
THROUGH THIS WHOLE EVENING
WITHOUT YOU BEING A JERK.

AH, ADMIT IT,
I LASTED A LOT LONGER
THAN YOU THOUGHT I WOULD.

COME ON,
IT'S TIME TO GO HOME.

[crickets chirping]

UH, I DON'T BELIEVE THIS.

JOE IS PARKED
ACROSS THE STREET
WATCHING THE HOUSE.

JOE?

WHAT'S HE DOING OUT THERE?

I GUESS HE'S, UH...
HE DOESN'T TRUST US
TO BE ALONE TOGETHER.

WHAT'S IT
ANY OF HIS BUSINESS?

MAN, HE TREATS ME LIKE
I'M HIS LITTLE SISTER.

HMM.

WELL, IF JOE WANTS
TO WORRY,

I'M GONNA GIVE HIM
SOMETHING TO WORRY ABOUT.

I THINK IT'S TIME
THAT YOU AND I
TEACH JOE A LESSON.

OH, GOOD IDEA, HELEN.

LET'S YOU AND I TEACH HIM
A LESSON UNTIL WE'RE JUST
TOO EXHAUSTED

TO TEACH HIM ANYMORE.

WHAT WE'RE GOING TO DO
YEAH?

IS HAVE YOU GO OUT
THE BACK AND WALK HOME,

AND WE'LL LEAVE JOE SITTIN'
OUT THERE THINKIN' YOU AND I
SPENT THE NIGHT TOGETHER.

OH, RIGHT,
THAT'S PRETTY GOOD,
THAT'S GOOD.

YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD
REALLY TEACH HIM A LESSON?
WHAT?

IF WE TOOK OFF ALL OUR CLOTHES
AND PRANCED BY THE WINDOW
A FEW TIMES.

GET OUT.

OK. OK. HELEN LOOK...

HEY, HELEN.

JOE DIDN'T COME BACK HOME
LAST NIGHT.

YES, HE WAS STILL ASLEEP
IN HIS CAR WHEN I LEFT
FOR WORK THIS MORNING.

SO, WHEN ARE YOU
GONNA TELL HIM?

OH, WHEN WE'VE HAD
A LITTLE FUN WITH HIM.

I THINK WE DESERVE
THE PLEASURE OF WATCHING HIM
TWIST IN THE WIND.

BOY, I DIDN'T KNOW
YOU HAD SUCH A DARK SIDE.

I LIKE IT.

MORNING, JOE.
MORNING, SUNSHINE.

BRIAN. HELEN.

YOU KNOW, BRIAN,

I JUST CAN'T QUIT
THINKIN' ABOUT LAST NIGHT.

HMM.
I HAD SUCH A GOOD TIME.

OH, ME, TOO.

YOUR, UH, COFFEE WAS
NOTHING SHORT OF INCREDIBLE.

THANK YOU.
I THOUGHT IT WAS
PRETTY INCREDIBLE MYSELF.

YEAH.

HEY, WHAT KNOCKS ME OUT IS
HOW LONG IT STAYED SO HOT.

WE'LL HAVE TO HAVE
COFFEE AGAIN.

SOON, I HOPE.

SO, HOW WAS THE GAME?

(both)
OH, GREAT.

GREAT. YEAH.
IT WAS AN USUALLY
PHYSICAL EVENING.

LOTS OF CONTACT,
LOTS OF SWEAT.

AND COME TO THINK OF IT,
LOTS OF SCORIN'.

WE REALLY MISSED YOU,
JOE.

YOU DID NOT.

YOU DIDN'T MISS ME AT ALL.

AND I HAPPEN TO KNOW
THE CELTICS GAME WAS
CALLED OFF LAST NIGHT.

I KNOW THAT.

I'M TALKING ABOUT
LATER ON AT HELEN'S.

WE PLAYED TWISTER.

ALL NIGHT?

THAT'S RIGHT, BRIAN.
I KNOW YOU NEVER
CAME HOME LAST NIGHT.

ARE YOU SURE, JOE?

I MEAN, ARE--ARE YOU
POSITIVE ABOUT THAT?

WOULD YOU BE WILLING TO
STAKE YOUR LIFE ON THAT?
BE CAREFUL.

THIS COULD BE
A TRICK QUESTION.
YEAH, I'D STAKE MY LIFE ON IT.

BANG, BANG,
YOU'RE DEAD.

JOE, WE SAW YOU OUTSIDE.

WHILE YOU WERE STARING AT
MY FRONT DOOR,

BRIAN LEFT
OUT THE BACK.

WE WERE BOTH HOME
IN OUR OWN BEDS ALONE.

LET ME TELL YOU
SOMETHING, JOE,

THE NEXT TIME
YOU WANNA KNOW SOMETHING
ABOUT MY PRIVATE LIFE,

ASK ME.

IT'LL SAVE YOU
A NIGHT ON STAKEOUT.

HEY, I'M NOT
THROUGH WITH YOU.

I WANNA KNOW WHAT MAKES
YOU THINK YOU HAVE THE RIGHT
TO SPY ON ME?

I WASN'T SPYING.

I WAS JUST WATCHING
YOUR EVERY MOVE
WITHOUT YOU KNOWING IT.

GOD, THIS IS EMBARRASSING.

TELL ME ABOUT IT.

YOU SEE,

BRIAN AND I, WE'VE ALWAYS HAD
THIS WEIRD COMPETITION.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW THE RULES.
BUT WHEN HE WINS,

THE PRIZE ALWAYS SEEMS
TO BE SOMETHING OF MINE.

FIRST, IT WAS A BASEBALL.
THEN IT WAS A BICYCLE.

THEN, A FEW YEARS AGO,
IT WAS CAROL.

WELL, LAST NIGHT,
I FELT LIKE HE WAS
TAKING AWAY A FRIEND.

PLUS, WELL, YOU KNOW
HOW BRIAN IS WITH WOMEN.
MMM.

HE DIDN'T GIVE YOU
ANY BONUS TRAVEL MILES,
DID HE?

WHAT?
[stammering]
NEVER MIND.

IT'S-- IT'S JUST THAT
I'VE GOTTEN USED TO
LOOKIN' AFTER YOU

LIKE A BIG BROTHER.

IF YOU WANT ME TO STOP,
I WILL.

WELL, I DIDN'T SAY THAT.
BUT THIS IS JUST
KIND OF CONFUSING, JOE.

I MEAN, WHEN A BROTHER THINKS
YOU'RE IN TROUBLE,

HE RUSHES IN AND PUNCHES
YOUR DATE IN THE NOSE.

BUT ONLY SOMEONE
WHO'S JEALOUS
SPIES ON YOU LIKE A JERK.

WAIT A MINUTE.
IS THAT IT?

ARE YOU JEALOUS?

JEALOUS? OH, DON'T BE SILLY.
YOU ARE.

OF COURSE, I'M NOT JEALOUS.
I'M JUST WORRIED ABOUT YOU,
THAT'S ALL.

REALLY?

THAT'S ALL?
YEAH.

YOU SOUND DISAPPOINTED.
DID YOU WANT ME TO BE JEALOUS?

WELL,
NOW YOU'RE BEING SILLY.
OF COURSE NOT.

OH.

NOW YOU SOUND DISAPPOINTED
THAT I'M NOT DISAPPOINTED.

WELL, I'M NOT.

SO, IF NEITHER OF US
ARE DISAPPOINTED,
WE MUST BE FINE.

WELL, I'M FINE.
YOU?
ME, TOO.

ALL RIGHT.

FRIENDS?

FRIENDS.

YOU KNOW, HELEN,

SOMETIMES IT'S OK FOR FRIENDS
TO GIVE EACH OTHER A HUG.

SURE, JOE.

BRIAN.

GOD, YOU'RE HUGGING ME
AND CALLING OUT HIS NAME.

NO, WE HAVE COMPANY.

BRIAN HACKETT!

(Brian)
OH! PAY NO ATTENTION TO
THE GUY BEHIND THE BLINDS.

I-I'M THE GREAT
AND--AND POWERFUL OZ.

(Helen)
GET IN HERE!

WHAT THE HELL
ARE YOU DOING?

JUST MAKING SURE
HELEN IS OK.

WELL, SHE DOESN'T HAVE TO
WORRY ABOUT ME.

OH, WELL,
I THOUGHT YOU MIGHT BE
IN HERE BORING HER TO DEATH.

HEY, HEY, GUYS,
WOULD YOU CUT IT OUT?

NOW, I'M REAL FLATTERED
EVERYBODY'S SO WORRIED
ABOUT ME.

BUT IF WE'RE GONNA BE
THE 3 MUSKETEERS,

WE HAVE TO GET
A FEW THINGS STRAIGHT.

OH, GOOD IDEA
BECAUSE I--
SHUT UP.

NOW, FOR SOME REASON THAT
ESCAPES ME AT THIS MOMENT,

YOU TWO ARE
MY CLOSEST FRIENDS.

THAT'S FRIENDS, OK?

COULD WE BE
MORE THAN THAT?

WE'LL NEVER KNOW.

BECAUSE AS I'M SURE
YOU BOTH REMEMBER,
I DON'T DATE PILOTS.

YEAH, YOU KNOW,
ABOUT THAT--
SHUT UP!

NOW, THE WHOLE IDEA WAS
FOR US TO START HAVING
FUN AGAIN,

AND FOR THAT TO HAPPEN,
WE HAVE TO TRUST EACH OTHER

AND PROMISE
THAT IF 2 OF THE MUSKETEERS
ARE ALONE,

THE REMAINING ONE
WON'T MAKE AN ASS OF HIMSELF.

AGREED?

(both)
AGREED.

NOW, TUCK IN YOUR SHIRTS,
WIPE OFF YOUR NOSES,
AND GET BACK TO WORK.

MMM.

YOU EVER NOTICE
THAT ONE OF
THE MUSKETEERS HAS

A REALLY WORLD-CLASS
SET OF LEGS?

GOD, YES.