Will & Grace (1998–…): Season 2, Episode 6 - To Serve and Disinfect - full transcript

- Will: Wow.
- Grace: What?

It's just so weird, you know?
It's exactly four years ago today

that I moved into this office,
and here I am closing it down.

It is weird.
It's also wrong.

You moved in the height of summer.

Remember the window was open,

and we thought it smelled like wet wool
on a dead man?

Ah yes, the new scent
by "Decay-NY."

- I gotta go.
- All right.

You seem okay.

I am, I think.



Seems like something's missing.
What is it?

Oh, right, my career.

Hey, okay,
maybe this'll help.

No matter how bad you're doing,

chances are
Jack's doing much worse.

Huge promotion!

Ow!

You crushed my nose.

Sorry! lf it's broken,
we'll get it fixed.

For the second time.

I heard that, you bitch.

And this nose
has never been touched.

I'm sorry, ma'am, you can pick up
your fries at the next window.

Guess what? I've been promoted
to captain at my catering company.



And tonight I'm supervising an event
at the Waldorf-Astoria.

I will have eight men under me.
How great is that?

Eight men? What'd you do,
write the Gay Make-A-Wish Foundation?

Could you just once reach
into that cold black heart of yours

and say,
"Congratulations, handsome"?

Hey, handsome, look around--

I'm closing down my office.
I've lost all my clients.

So you'll forgive me
if I'm not jumping up and down for joy

because you've now made
head butter curler.

FYl, you SOB,
cater-waitering is T-U-F...

...F.

Oh, tough. Yes, I know.

All those years
at waiter grad school.

The lectures,
the all-nighters,

all to answer the eternal question
that has plagued mankind

since the dawn of consciousness--

"Chicken or fish?"

Listen, mister,
and I use the term loosely--

you couldn't do my job
for even one night.

Jack, a monkey could do your job,
providing he had a tux and a lisp.

Then put your money
where your mouth is--

I'm short a man tonight.
I dare ya to fill in for him.

- All right, I'll do it.
- Hah! You're afraid

because you know
you can't hack it.

Jack, I just said I'd do it.

What just happened?

You challenged me
and I accepted your challenge.

Besides, it sounds like it'll be
more fun than sitting at home

watching Regis say,
"Is that your final answer?"

Okay, fine. Be at the Waldorf
at 5:00 sharp, and rent a tux.

- I have a tux.
- No you don't. I borrowed it.

(theme music playing)

This is one consumer
who is not gonna take responsibility

for something
that is clearly your fault.

Karen?

Karen!

Yeah, I'm up, I'm up!
Stan, get off of me!

Where am l?

Karen, you are at work,

it's 10:30 in the morning,

and because you seem
to believe that fabric

can be sent over phone lines,

I now owe this guy $150

for a service call.

Oh my God.

It's 10:30?
Honey, why'd you let me sleep so late?

I gotta get outta here.

There's a needle full of botulism

with my forehead's name
written all over it.

What are you lookin' at,
Rogaine failure?

Nothing, I'm sorry.

Good. Okay.

Be back at 4:00-- ish.

Wow!

Yeah. She usually
doesn't come back.

- What's it like working with her?
- I wouldn't know.

Well, I love her. I've seen her movie
"Next to Godliness" Iike...

15 times.

She's never been in a movie.

When I first saw her,
I wasn't sure,

but then, you know,
the voice--

( laughs )
It's definitely her.

You must have her confused
with someone else. It happens.

People confuse me
with Julia Roberts all the time.

Why?

Well, the hair, the smile,

and...
( clears throat )

"I'm just a girl...

standing in
front of a boy,

asking him to love me."

Trust me.
That is dead on.

Well, trust me, that's her.

Just rent "Next to Godliness."

You'll find it in the adult section.

"Adult"?
Adult like Merchant-lvory,

or adult like,

"Gee, thank God
you two plumbers arrived."

That one.

The napkin fold du jour will be
winter cranes-- and mind the beaks!

Sidebar,
how Madonna is this?

- Hey, Jack.
- Don't "hey" me! You're late!

I'm sorry,
but I had to rent a tux

and the old guy measuring me
had the shakes,

so the inseam situation
was not pleasant for me.

Just get in line.
Good news, gentlemen,

since Mr. Truman has deigned
to grace us with his presence,

we now have enough waiters
to do ballet service.

Ballet service, huh?
What does that make you, the nutcracker?

Truman, front and center.

Ma'am, yes, ma'am!

Damn it, when we're being friends,
it's fine to treat me like crap,

but I will not have you ruining this
event and undermining my authority.

- Clear?
- Okay, okay.

Wait.
Yes, mm-hmm? Ye--

Ohh! Do I have to do
everything around here?

Look, I'm breaking in a rookie right
now. I don't have time for games.

- Jack!
- I'm talking to the kitchen--

Get me the thing
that this plugs into.

- (porn-style music playing)
- Karen: This room is a pigsty

and you're a dirtypig boy.

- Man: But, Mommy--
- Karen: Don't "Mommy" me!

Here's what happens
to dirtypig boys.

(whip cracks )

Oh! Sorry I'm late.

Oh God, that sounded insincere.
I'm late.

Honey, what's going on?
What's happening? What's with the TV?

Oh, I'm watching
what I would call...

the feel-good movie of my life.

Did you rent
"Pretty Woman" again?

Come on. Give it up, honey.
The only thing you two have in common

is horse teeth
and bad taste in men.

- Karen: You're a filthy little piggy!
- (whip cracks )

Karen,

something you want to tell me?

That's not me.

Karen: What's going on, honey?
What's happening?

Why aren't you licking that floor?.

Oh, all right, it is me!
But it's not what you think!

Really?

'Cause I think it's you
in a maid's uniform,

whipping some old guy
in a onesie. Am I wrong?

Come on,
it's just a little fetish film.

Oh my God, how did this thing
get into circulation?

Oh my God.
This is the end of me.

I don't think I can go on.

- Karen, what are you doing?
- No, don't stop me!

Karen, don't be ridiculous!

There we go, nice and cold.

- Oh boy.
- Just one question.

Yeah.

Is dirty little pig boy
the other white meat?

- Come on, spill it.
- Well,

I was just out of college, I was broke.
It's the oldest story in the world--

boy meets girl,
boy wants girl to do dominatrix film.

Girl says, "Naked?" Boy says, "Yeah."
Girl says, "Forget it."

Boy says, "Okay, then just wear
this rubber dress

and beat the old guy with a scrub brush.
Girl says, "How hard?"

Yes, that is an old story.

No, no, no, no.
You don't take that tone with me, no.

It's enough that I'm gonna be
the laughingstock of Manhattan,

but now to have you
throwing this in my face

and laughing at me like that? No.

That's it. I'm outta here.

Oh, Karen, come on.
I was just making a joke.

Oh, yeah? Well, I have
a little joke for you--

Knock knock...
I'm not there.

Ready? Spaghetti... sauce!

And we're moving,
we're moving, and pace, pace, pace.

And serpentine around the room,
and elbows in and show those teeth.

Now snake, now snake.
Now snake once more.

Hey, watch the jazz hips!
We aren't doing Starlight Express here.

Okay, now, eyes up.

Working as one,
relevate and release.

Very nice.
I'm very proud of all of you.

Not bad for a rookie, huh?

I'm not really looking
for new friends.

Well, you're not
really getting one.

Oh my God.
It's show time, fellas. Places!

All right, we got just a couple
of minutes before Abba gets here.

Abba? The band?

That's all we need
is more dancing queens!

No, Will, it's spelled differently.
There's only one B. ABA.

The ABA?!
That's the American Bar Association!

Oh, good,
bartenders are such a fun crowd.

No, Jack, the ABA is lawyers!
I'm gonna know all these people.

Would you relax? No one's gonna
recognize you in uniform.

Oh, right. This tea towel over my arm
changes the way my face looks.

- I'm going.
- You're not going anywhere.

I can't do ballet service
with an odd number of men.

Then do it
with a number of odd men.

Oh my God! Look,
these people are my colleagues.

Do you know how humiliating
this is gonna be?

Say hello to the hard part.
Serving food is easy.

Keeping your dignity when peppering
Matt Damon's salad is hard.

- Why Matt Damon?
- He has my career.

I see. Goodbye.

I know this is a rough time
for you, okay?

But you've had your success.
This is my turn.

So you decide. You gonna be a friend
or are you going to bail?

( groans )

Huh? Oh.
Hors d'oeuvre?

Will Truman?

- Brian Kelly. ( chuckles )
- What is with the outfit?

You look like you should be serving us.
And I don't mean papers. Hah-hah!

Me, a waiter?
Are you kidding?

Excuse me, I asked for one crab cake,
not a whole tray.

So, Brian Kelly.

It was funny,
just the other day

I was thinking...
Wasn't it? What was it?

I was reading a mag--

I'm doing some close-up magic later.
Don't tell anybody.

Hello?

Yeah. What can I do for--

Well, lookoe, lookie loo.

( laughs )
Karen Delaney, right?

How long has it been,
20 years?

Age has done nothing to you.

Well, it's whacked you in the face
with a shovel and left you for dead!

You look like hell.

Honey, I need a favor.

Okay, just to confirm
everybody's entr?es,

there are two steak, two salmon
and one big fat chicken.

- That'd be me.
- Great.

- Fresh pepper for you?
- That'd be fine, pal.

- Terrific.
- Ow!

- Okay.
- How about an apology?

I'm really sorry.

Not you, Will. I was talking
to Dr. Pepper here. Ha ha!

I'm so sorry, sir.
Fresh pepper for you?

- No, thank you.
- Okay, very good.

Ow.

Just tell me how many of those tapes
there are and how I get 'em back.

Oh yeah, I can get
that information just like that.

Just let me e-mail
headquarters first, all right?

Boop, boop, boop,
boop, boop, boop.

( laughs )

I have no friggin' idea!

We made like 50 and sold them
to video stores all over Manhattan.

All over Man-- you lowlife!

Listen, I've built a big life
for myself and now it's ruined.

I'm sorry, Karen. My bad.

How about a little,
you know, "kissarooni"

for old times' sake, huh?

How can you
even ask me that,

you double-crossing,
conniving--

- Oh...
- You see?

See, you couldn't hit me,
could you?

That's because
deep inside of you,

the flame of passion
is still alive.

Now come on, hot stuff.

How about that kiss, hmm?

You think I would let my bare hand
touch that face?

God only knows
where it's been.

- I just left you a message.
- No, no. Don't even start.

I quit.

Why? 'Cause I saw you
in one lousy movie?

No, Grace, because the balance
of power has shifted between us.

You used to put me on a pedestal

and look at me like I was some
kind of a superwoman...

the epitome of everything
that's good

and decent and true.

Um... okay.

But now when you look at me, all you're
gonna see is the woman in that video--

a bossy, domineering harpy

who uses her body
to get what she wants.

You're right.
That is a pretty profound shift.

Yeah. So I quit.

I'm just gonna clean out
my desk and leave.

There. I'm outta here.

If you need me
I'll be in seclusion,

suffering in the dark silence
of my Park Avenue mansion of shame,

shame, shame on me.

Karen... wait.

- You-- you might wanna take this.
- What's that?

Oh, it's just all 50 copies
of "Next to Godliness."

Oh, my G--

Honey, how did you...?

I've been in every
sleazy video store in Manhattan.

I went into rooms Bob Guccione
wouldn't go into without a hazmat suit.

I had to weave through icky boxes
with titles like...

"Drive This, Miss Daisy"...

"Diddler on the Roof'...

"The Ass Menagerie."

- Oh!
- So...

You never have to worry
about anyone seeing this again.

And I will look at you the same way
I always have--

as a spoiled, shrill,
gold-digging socialite

who would sooner chew off her own foot
than do an honest day's work.

Oh, honey, I love ya.

Okay, honey,
that's enough, God!

When is your video coming out?

Oh, I am starving.
What's with these monkeys?

Who do I have to sleep with
to get my steak?

Take your pick.

Hey, pepper boy!
Where's my dinner?

I'm sorry for the delay, sir.
We're a little shorthanded this evening.

One of my waiters bailed on me
because he has a weak constitution

and is filled
with fear and shame.

I don't think I asked for your life
story. I just want a piece of meat.

Don't we all?

I mean, I'm sure you do.
Please be patient.

Be patient?
You coppin' an attitude with me?

- Whoa, Brian, take it easy.
- No, Will, listen to this guy.

This nobody's talking a tone with me.

There's no tone. He's just doing his
job, which is not easy, by the way.

Oh, yeah, it's real hard.
He puts rolls in a basket.

Good idea, sir.
Why don't I get you some more bread?

No, no, no, we're not finished here.
Hang on a second.

- Where the hell is my steak?
- All right, that's it.

- Take your hands off him!
- What's your problem?

For one thing,
you're creasing my tux.

Jack, you don't have
to put up with this.

- I'm working, so I do.
- Yeah, well, I don't.

At what point did you decide
it was okay to treat people like this?

Will, I'm not talking to you.
I'm talking to pepper, here.

Brian, I got news for ya.
I'm a pepper!

Excuse me?

I'm a pepper, he's a pepper

and considering the grades
you got in law school,

you're a heartbeat away
from being a pepper too.

Why don't you sit down, shut up
and wait for your meat?

If the rest of you
will excuse me,

I have a ballet to perform.

Okay, everyone,
round 'em up. Smile.

Step lively. Relevate. Very good.
Very proud.

Jack, if I sounded anything
like that guy, I'm sorry.

Will, letting me keep this tux
means never having to say you're sorry.

Done. I just wish there was some way
I could get back at him.

You mean like putting
a laxative in his soup?

- Oh, that would be so good!
- Already done.

You are awesome.

Don't be so cheery,
I put one in yours too.

You will not believe the day I had.

No, no, no. Whatever it is,
I guarantee I can top it.

Okay. You open.

Cater-waitering for Jack

at the Waldorf-Astoria.

Good open.
But I see your Waldorf

and raise you--

hunting for porn

all over Manhattan.

Running into
law school classmates

while serving them crab cakes.

Getting groped
in an adult video store

by a former New York City mayor.

Enjoying an appetizer
of potato, leek and laxative soup.

Oh, that's good.

I don't know if I can--
oh, oh, oh,

oh, what's this?

Oh yes, yes, yes--

Karen, actually doing work.

No, no, Grace,
that's not gonna do it.

Let's just go
to videotape, shall we?

- (porn-style music playing)
- Karen: Baby's made a mess.

- Dirtypig baby.
- (whip cracks )

Oh, I fold.
I fold.

(theme music playing)