Will & Grace (1998–…): Season 2, Episode 7 - Homo for the Holidays - full transcript
Will and Grace are shocked to learn that Jack never told his mother he was gay and encourage him to open up to her at Thanksgiving. The evening brings a revelation for Jack as well: his father isn't who he thinks it is.
Okay, here's the Thanksgiving
menu so far--
apple pie, pumpkin pie,
blueberry tart, and ice-cream roll.
What am I missing?
Cake! We need cake.
Did you take a bong hit
before you wrote that?
Hear ye, hear ye!
The holiday shopping season
has just begun.
Here are your lists.
I suggest you surprise me
with the things that are in bold.
Oh, you know,
speaking of surprises--
we're gonna have a special guest
for dinner tomorrow.
Is this where you try to be funny
and tell me that Cher is coming?
Well, it's not gonna
work this time, okay?
But is she?
Come on, Jack,
Cher hasn't eaten since the '70s.
Give you a little hint--
it's someone that you love,
but you don't get to see her very often.
Okay, I'm thinking Liza,
but go on.
And she gave birth to you.
- Okay...
- It's your mom, genius.
My mo--
how could y--
you're--
rotten!
Come on, come on, come on!
Hey, woman on the verge,
what's going on?
I don't have the same relationship
with my mother as you do with yours.
You never
picked out her brassieres?
We don't need that,
thank you.
Jack, she called here
looking for you
and only mentioned like 30 times
that she had no plans.
I thought
I was doing a good thing.
The woman is a monster,
and you clearly did this to torture me.
I did not! That was just
an unexpected bonus, really.
Where are you going?
I'm going to go uninvite her.
Damn you, Otis,
I'm taking the stairs!
Jack!
- What was that?
- I know.
I don't think
I've seen him this upset
since they hired a female urologist
at the free clinic.
Yello!
Hot dish coming through
and she's carrying a casserole.
- Who's that?
- Jack's mom.
Whew! 86 minutes.
- Not bad.
- Yeah.
Judith, you do realize that
Thanksgiving is tomorrow.
I'm doing a dry run, Will.
I wanted to see how long
it would take me to get here
while carrying a casserole dish.
The other benefit of a dry run
is that I power-walk the whole time
while clenching my buttocks,
like so.
You can't tell I'm doing anything,
but my ass sure can. Oh.
- Like mother, like son.
- ( snickers )
You must be Grace.
Jack said
you were sort of funny.
Yes, I am Grace.
Jack said I was funny?
No, he said
you were sort of funny.
You're a cutie. I can see
why Jack wooed you.
I bet you made
an adorable couple.
Come on, come on, come on!
Uh-- whoa!
Adorable couple? l...
Yeah.
And I think it's terrific
that you and Jack have stayed friends
even after he dumped you.
Bye-bye.
Dumped me?
What are you talking about?
Jack's a ho-- my God,
she has no idea!
(theme music playing)
Okay, cranberry sauce...
"Add four cups of cranberries,
one cup sugar
and orange zest
to a heavy stockpot.
Bring to a boil.
Then simmer
and reduce for 45 minutes."
- (lid clatters )
- Yeah. That'll happen.
Hi, Will. Look,
I never got ahold of my mom,
so when she gets here,
I'm just gonna take her
to the Russian Tea Room.
Yeah, that way none of us
have to deal with the monster.
So, I'm gonna need your Amex,
and FYl, how about my own card?
This is getting a little annoying.
The Russian Tea Room?
Wow!
You'd do that just to save us
from the monster?
That's the kind of friend I am.
I thought it might be because
you haven't told your mother you're gay!
I don't know
what you're talking about.
She came here
yesterday, Jack.
Damn her and her dry runs!
You told me you took an oath
before God and your mother
- that you would never deny who you are.
- I lied.
You told me some elaborate story
about how you came out to her
- as a way of avoiding peewee football.
- I lied.
You forced me to come out
to my own mother.
You teased me and you pressured me
and you even left a copy
of "The Sensuous Gay Man"
on her washing machine.
I lied. I'm a bad man.
Now leave me alone
with my shame!
How could you not tell her?
Will, I tried to.
I had so many chances,
you know--
when she caught GI Joe and Big Jim
shacking up in Big Jim's sports camper;
when she caught me in bed
with Steven and a Dirt Devil.
But I don't know,
she's not the easiest woman to talk to.
She's the most self-involved
person I know.
The fruit didn't fall
far from that tree.
Here's a thought-- why don't you try
telling her directly, you hypocrite?
Stop badgering me
with your $10 words!
I'm leaving.
I can't take any more of this.
Hello, lover.
Wrong way. Closet's in there.
Once you go, Jack,
you never go back.
All right, fine.
I'll do it, okay?
Tonight at dinner,
I'll tell my mother I'm gay.
God, I would think after 30 years,
it would be kind of liberating.
Oh, no, we're not
telling her I'm 30.
Hi, honey.
What are you doing here?
You invited me.
Yeah, but I never thought
you'd come.
I figured you'd be spending the holiday
with Stan and the kids.
What? No.
Honey, your apartment looks good.
I like what you've done with the place.
Karen, I don't live here anymore
and you've been to my new place.
Boy, you try to be nice...
Hmmm. Well, you've come
on a good night.
Jack's mother is going to be joining us
and she doesn't know Jack's gay.
How could she not know?
What is she, headless?
I guess you believe
what you choose to believe.
One time, Judith caught him
in bed with a guy
and Jack convinced her that they were
doing a school check for lice.
Oh.
And when she caught him
wearing her high heels,
he said it was because they helped him
with an inner-ear problem.
Oh.
And he also told her
that I am his ex-girlfriend.
And she bought that?!
( blows raspberry )
Oh.
- Wilma.
- Cruella.
Jack is in my wardrobe trying to find
the perfect coming out-fit.
Heard that!
I am metaphorically curled up
in the fetal position
and you continue to kick me
about the ear, nose and throat?
- How about a little support?
- Okay. All right.
Jack, this isn't gonna be
as hard as you think.
On some level, your mother
has to know you're gay.
- I mean, she has met you, right?
- ( laughs )
We're all here for you, okay?
Right, Karen?
Why wasn't I your girlfriend,
queer bait?
What?!
You told your mother that Grace
was your girlfriend! How could you?
Karen, I didn't even know you
when I made up that lie.
Oh, yeah? When you met me,
then you should've broken up
with her and hooked up with me!
You're married. I'm gay.
Not in the lie!
Excuse me.
Eyes on the crisis, okay?
If I'm gonna do this,
I'm gonna need calm in the room.
Okay? Calm.
Sum-fun-yung-gai-hung-so-lo
Zum-fun-yung-gai-hung-so-lo.
What is that?
I think it's his Fire lsland
mating call.
- There. I am now calm.
- (knocking on door)
- Judith: Hello.
- Sarah Jessica Parker! Hide me!
It is time for you to grow up.
You're gonna open that door...
be a man...
and tell your mom
you sleep with guys.
- Hi, Mom.
- Hi, honey. Ah, look at you.
- Oh, no, look at you.
- Okay, look at me.
No, look at me.
Oh God,
that table setting's exquisite,
Iike it's fit for a queen.
You gonna take this one,
or should l?
Will: Before we eat,
my family has this tradition
where we go around the table
and we each say the thing
we're most thankful for.
But this year, I thought
we'd add a tradition--
everybody has to tell a secret
about themselves,
that they've been
too cowardly to reveal.
- Jack, why don't you start?
- Mmm-- ( mumbles )
Grace, what are you
most thankful for?
What? Wait.
I-- I'm not ready.
Wait, give me a second.
I want mine to rhyme.
- Karen?
- Okay.
I'm thankful that I found
a pharmacologist
who's as dumb as a box of hair.
And, my secret is--
Jack and I were doing the dirty-dirty
while you two were still together!
What?
Sorry, honey. I guess you just weren't
woman enough for him. Oh, yeah.
- Jack, back to you.
- Mmm, uh--
All right.
What am I thankful for?
So many things, really...
the smell ofjasmine--
( sniffs )
- a kitten's purr...
- Oh.
"In Style" magazine,
- Telemundo--
- Jack.
I know. I know.
My secret is--
there are things you want to say
sometimes, but you just...
never do.
You want to say them, but...
damn it, you just can't.
Oh, I'm pretty sure
I know what this is all about.
- You do?
- Uh-huh.
He just can't stand you two
fighting over him!
You are one sharp tack, Judith.
Remember that time at Matt Stokes'
party, where we met for the first time?
And I was in such deep denial
about being gay,
- I think I was 20 lbs. overweight?
- 30.
- Maybe 25.
- Maybe 35.
Anyway,
you came up to me.
We didn't know each other that well.
You pulled me aside
and you said,
"Aren't you tired yet?"
And I was tired.
Tired of actually reading "Playboy"
for the articles,
tired of keeping my Bette Midler albums
in Led Zeppelin sleeves.
So you took me to clubs
and introduced me to people,
made me realize what I'd been missing
by not being myself...
and I'm thankful for that.
I also taught you how to dance
without pointing all the time.
And I'm thankful for that.
Here's my secret--
I admire you, Jack...
because you are more yourself
than anyone else I have ever known.
Will, look, I appreciate
what you're trying to do, but--
this is different.
My mother will fall apart. She's--
Jack, Jack, Jack, Jack.
Aren't you tired yet?
It's gonna be fine.
Somebody needs
to get back to the gym.
Karen, how come
you moved in on her man?
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
He came on to me, okay? Yeah.
He was looking
for a real woman,
not somebody who just lays there
like bibb lettuce.
Ah-ah-oh.
Bibb lettuce.
Judith, that is a lie.
This whole thing is a lie.
The truth is, is that...
The truth is...
after two weeks with her,
he came running back to me.
- He did not!
- Oh, but he did!
What were his exact words again?
Oh, yes--
"My Harold-and-Maude phase
is over."
( Karen gasps )
Oh, I have half a mind to throw
this martini right in your face!
- Mom?
- Jack! Honey, I'm worried,
you haven't said a thing
about my bangs.
They're a little short,
but they'll grow in.
Mom, uh, I have something
I want to say to you.
I've kept this from you
for a long time and that's wrong,
because it makes it seem
like I'm ashamed of something
I'm not ashamed of.
I want you to know who I am
because I'm proud of who I am.
Mom...
are you wearing Chlo??
Jack!
Mom, I'm gay.
Oh.
Judith,
it's okay.
So he's gay.
He's still the same little boy who
gave you highlights for the first time.
Honey, I think you're missing
the silver lining here.
When you're old
and in diapers,
a gay son will know how to keep you
away from chiffon and backlighting.
Mom, I'm sorry
to disappoint you,
but... this is who I am.
You could never
disappoint me.
I just want you to be happy.
Looking back on it,
there have been clues.
When you were a child, you were
overly fond of the nursery rhyme
"Rub-A-Dub-Dub,
Three Men in a Tub."
And you do have a lot
of flamboyantly gay friends.
I mean, look at Will.
No matter what, Jack,
you're what I'm most thankful for
in the whole world.
Then why are you crying?
Because I have a secret too.
The man you think is your father...
is not your father.
What?
My God. This is like watching
Gays of Our Lives.
Who's my father?
Well, it's not exactly clear.
Mother, if your explanation
doesn't end with the phrase
"born in a manger,"
I'm gonna be violently ill.
It was the '60s!
I went to this party.
Keys were thrown in a bowl,
the bowl was thrown
in the pool, off came the ponchos,
and 9 months later...
there you were.
Oh, okay.
Uh... I can accept that.
So...
the guy
I thought was my dad...
wasn't.
So Jack's gay, huh?
Hm. No wonder
he went back to you.
How you doing there,
little buddy?
Oh, all right,
for the most part.
A little weirded out
about who my real father is.
I just hope when I find him,
he doesn't
wear a black helmet and speak
with the voice of James Earl Jones.
"Luke, you're a homo."
( breathes heavily )
Thanks for everything, Grace.
Jack, you know I'll always treasure
what we had together.
All I ask is that
when you speak of me later--
and I know that you won't--
please be kind.
Get over it, Grace. You already have
one gay husband, leave me be.
(theme music playing)
menu so far--
apple pie, pumpkin pie,
blueberry tart, and ice-cream roll.
What am I missing?
Cake! We need cake.
Did you take a bong hit
before you wrote that?
Hear ye, hear ye!
The holiday shopping season
has just begun.
Here are your lists.
I suggest you surprise me
with the things that are in bold.
Oh, you know,
speaking of surprises--
we're gonna have a special guest
for dinner tomorrow.
Is this where you try to be funny
and tell me that Cher is coming?
Well, it's not gonna
work this time, okay?
But is she?
Come on, Jack,
Cher hasn't eaten since the '70s.
Give you a little hint--
it's someone that you love,
but you don't get to see her very often.
Okay, I'm thinking Liza,
but go on.
And she gave birth to you.
- Okay...
- It's your mom, genius.
My mo--
how could y--
you're--
rotten!
Come on, come on, come on!
Hey, woman on the verge,
what's going on?
I don't have the same relationship
with my mother as you do with yours.
You never
picked out her brassieres?
We don't need that,
thank you.
Jack, she called here
looking for you
and only mentioned like 30 times
that she had no plans.
I thought
I was doing a good thing.
The woman is a monster,
and you clearly did this to torture me.
I did not! That was just
an unexpected bonus, really.
Where are you going?
I'm going to go uninvite her.
Damn you, Otis,
I'm taking the stairs!
Jack!
- What was that?
- I know.
I don't think
I've seen him this upset
since they hired a female urologist
at the free clinic.
Yello!
Hot dish coming through
and she's carrying a casserole.
- Who's that?
- Jack's mom.
Whew! 86 minutes.
- Not bad.
- Yeah.
Judith, you do realize that
Thanksgiving is tomorrow.
I'm doing a dry run, Will.
I wanted to see how long
it would take me to get here
while carrying a casserole dish.
The other benefit of a dry run
is that I power-walk the whole time
while clenching my buttocks,
like so.
You can't tell I'm doing anything,
but my ass sure can. Oh.
- Like mother, like son.
- ( snickers )
You must be Grace.
Jack said
you were sort of funny.
Yes, I am Grace.
Jack said I was funny?
No, he said
you were sort of funny.
You're a cutie. I can see
why Jack wooed you.
I bet you made
an adorable couple.
Come on, come on, come on!
Uh-- whoa!
Adorable couple? l...
Yeah.
And I think it's terrific
that you and Jack have stayed friends
even after he dumped you.
Bye-bye.
Dumped me?
What are you talking about?
Jack's a ho-- my God,
she has no idea!
(theme music playing)
Okay, cranberry sauce...
"Add four cups of cranberries,
one cup sugar
and orange zest
to a heavy stockpot.
Bring to a boil.
Then simmer
and reduce for 45 minutes."
- (lid clatters )
- Yeah. That'll happen.
Hi, Will. Look,
I never got ahold of my mom,
so when she gets here,
I'm just gonna take her
to the Russian Tea Room.
Yeah, that way none of us
have to deal with the monster.
So, I'm gonna need your Amex,
and FYl, how about my own card?
This is getting a little annoying.
The Russian Tea Room?
Wow!
You'd do that just to save us
from the monster?
That's the kind of friend I am.
I thought it might be because
you haven't told your mother you're gay!
I don't know
what you're talking about.
She came here
yesterday, Jack.
Damn her and her dry runs!
You told me you took an oath
before God and your mother
- that you would never deny who you are.
- I lied.
You told me some elaborate story
about how you came out to her
- as a way of avoiding peewee football.
- I lied.
You forced me to come out
to my own mother.
You teased me and you pressured me
and you even left a copy
of "The Sensuous Gay Man"
on her washing machine.
I lied. I'm a bad man.
Now leave me alone
with my shame!
How could you not tell her?
Will, I tried to.
I had so many chances,
you know--
when she caught GI Joe and Big Jim
shacking up in Big Jim's sports camper;
when she caught me in bed
with Steven and a Dirt Devil.
But I don't know,
she's not the easiest woman to talk to.
She's the most self-involved
person I know.
The fruit didn't fall
far from that tree.
Here's a thought-- why don't you try
telling her directly, you hypocrite?
Stop badgering me
with your $10 words!
I'm leaving.
I can't take any more of this.
Hello, lover.
Wrong way. Closet's in there.
Once you go, Jack,
you never go back.
All right, fine.
I'll do it, okay?
Tonight at dinner,
I'll tell my mother I'm gay.
God, I would think after 30 years,
it would be kind of liberating.
Oh, no, we're not
telling her I'm 30.
Hi, honey.
What are you doing here?
You invited me.
Yeah, but I never thought
you'd come.
I figured you'd be spending the holiday
with Stan and the kids.
What? No.
Honey, your apartment looks good.
I like what you've done with the place.
Karen, I don't live here anymore
and you've been to my new place.
Boy, you try to be nice...
Hmmm. Well, you've come
on a good night.
Jack's mother is going to be joining us
and she doesn't know Jack's gay.
How could she not know?
What is she, headless?
I guess you believe
what you choose to believe.
One time, Judith caught him
in bed with a guy
and Jack convinced her that they were
doing a school check for lice.
Oh.
And when she caught him
wearing her high heels,
he said it was because they helped him
with an inner-ear problem.
Oh.
And he also told her
that I am his ex-girlfriend.
And she bought that?!
( blows raspberry )
Oh.
- Wilma.
- Cruella.
Jack is in my wardrobe trying to find
the perfect coming out-fit.
Heard that!
I am metaphorically curled up
in the fetal position
and you continue to kick me
about the ear, nose and throat?
- How about a little support?
- Okay. All right.
Jack, this isn't gonna be
as hard as you think.
On some level, your mother
has to know you're gay.
- I mean, she has met you, right?
- ( laughs )
We're all here for you, okay?
Right, Karen?
Why wasn't I your girlfriend,
queer bait?
What?!
You told your mother that Grace
was your girlfriend! How could you?
Karen, I didn't even know you
when I made up that lie.
Oh, yeah? When you met me,
then you should've broken up
with her and hooked up with me!
You're married. I'm gay.
Not in the lie!
Excuse me.
Eyes on the crisis, okay?
If I'm gonna do this,
I'm gonna need calm in the room.
Okay? Calm.
Sum-fun-yung-gai-hung-so-lo
Zum-fun-yung-gai-hung-so-lo.
What is that?
I think it's his Fire lsland
mating call.
- There. I am now calm.
- (knocking on door)
- Judith: Hello.
- Sarah Jessica Parker! Hide me!
It is time for you to grow up.
You're gonna open that door...
be a man...
and tell your mom
you sleep with guys.
- Hi, Mom.
- Hi, honey. Ah, look at you.
- Oh, no, look at you.
- Okay, look at me.
No, look at me.
Oh God,
that table setting's exquisite,
Iike it's fit for a queen.
You gonna take this one,
or should l?
Will: Before we eat,
my family has this tradition
where we go around the table
and we each say the thing
we're most thankful for.
But this year, I thought
we'd add a tradition--
everybody has to tell a secret
about themselves,
that they've been
too cowardly to reveal.
- Jack, why don't you start?
- Mmm-- ( mumbles )
Grace, what are you
most thankful for?
What? Wait.
I-- I'm not ready.
Wait, give me a second.
I want mine to rhyme.
- Karen?
- Okay.
I'm thankful that I found
a pharmacologist
who's as dumb as a box of hair.
And, my secret is--
Jack and I were doing the dirty-dirty
while you two were still together!
What?
Sorry, honey. I guess you just weren't
woman enough for him. Oh, yeah.
- Jack, back to you.
- Mmm, uh--
All right.
What am I thankful for?
So many things, really...
the smell ofjasmine--
( sniffs )
- a kitten's purr...
- Oh.
"In Style" magazine,
- Telemundo--
- Jack.
I know. I know.
My secret is--
there are things you want to say
sometimes, but you just...
never do.
You want to say them, but...
damn it, you just can't.
Oh, I'm pretty sure
I know what this is all about.
- You do?
- Uh-huh.
He just can't stand you two
fighting over him!
You are one sharp tack, Judith.
Remember that time at Matt Stokes'
party, where we met for the first time?
And I was in such deep denial
about being gay,
- I think I was 20 lbs. overweight?
- 30.
- Maybe 25.
- Maybe 35.
Anyway,
you came up to me.
We didn't know each other that well.
You pulled me aside
and you said,
"Aren't you tired yet?"
And I was tired.
Tired of actually reading "Playboy"
for the articles,
tired of keeping my Bette Midler albums
in Led Zeppelin sleeves.
So you took me to clubs
and introduced me to people,
made me realize what I'd been missing
by not being myself...
and I'm thankful for that.
I also taught you how to dance
without pointing all the time.
And I'm thankful for that.
Here's my secret--
I admire you, Jack...
because you are more yourself
than anyone else I have ever known.
Will, look, I appreciate
what you're trying to do, but--
this is different.
My mother will fall apart. She's--
Jack, Jack, Jack, Jack.
Aren't you tired yet?
It's gonna be fine.
Somebody needs
to get back to the gym.
Karen, how come
you moved in on her man?
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
He came on to me, okay? Yeah.
He was looking
for a real woman,
not somebody who just lays there
like bibb lettuce.
Ah-ah-oh.
Bibb lettuce.
Judith, that is a lie.
This whole thing is a lie.
The truth is, is that...
The truth is...
after two weeks with her,
he came running back to me.
- He did not!
- Oh, but he did!
What were his exact words again?
Oh, yes--
"My Harold-and-Maude phase
is over."
( Karen gasps )
Oh, I have half a mind to throw
this martini right in your face!
- Mom?
- Jack! Honey, I'm worried,
you haven't said a thing
about my bangs.
They're a little short,
but they'll grow in.
Mom, uh, I have something
I want to say to you.
I've kept this from you
for a long time and that's wrong,
because it makes it seem
like I'm ashamed of something
I'm not ashamed of.
I want you to know who I am
because I'm proud of who I am.
Mom...
are you wearing Chlo??
Jack!
Mom, I'm gay.
Oh.
Judith,
it's okay.
So he's gay.
He's still the same little boy who
gave you highlights for the first time.
Honey, I think you're missing
the silver lining here.
When you're old
and in diapers,
a gay son will know how to keep you
away from chiffon and backlighting.
Mom, I'm sorry
to disappoint you,
but... this is who I am.
You could never
disappoint me.
I just want you to be happy.
Looking back on it,
there have been clues.
When you were a child, you were
overly fond of the nursery rhyme
"Rub-A-Dub-Dub,
Three Men in a Tub."
And you do have a lot
of flamboyantly gay friends.
I mean, look at Will.
No matter what, Jack,
you're what I'm most thankful for
in the whole world.
Then why are you crying?
Because I have a secret too.
The man you think is your father...
is not your father.
What?
My God. This is like watching
Gays of Our Lives.
Who's my father?
Well, it's not exactly clear.
Mother, if your explanation
doesn't end with the phrase
"born in a manger,"
I'm gonna be violently ill.
It was the '60s!
I went to this party.
Keys were thrown in a bowl,
the bowl was thrown
in the pool, off came the ponchos,
and 9 months later...
there you were.
Oh, okay.
Uh... I can accept that.
So...
the guy
I thought was my dad...
wasn't.
So Jack's gay, huh?
Hm. No wonder
he went back to you.
How you doing there,
little buddy?
Oh, all right,
for the most part.
A little weirded out
about who my real father is.
I just hope when I find him,
he doesn't
wear a black helmet and speak
with the voice of James Earl Jones.
"Luke, you're a homo."
( breathes heavily )
Thanks for everything, Grace.
Jack, you know I'll always treasure
what we had together.
All I ask is that
when you speak of me later--
and I know that you won't--
please be kind.
Get over it, Grace. You already have
one gay husband, leave me be.
(theme music playing)