Will & Grace (1998–…): Season 11, Episode 14 - The Favourite - full transcript

[BRIGHT PIANO MUSIC]

"Will & Grace" is recorded

in front of a live studio audience.

We feel asleep.

Oh, my God, we fell asleep. Grace, Grace.

- [VACUUM WHIRS]
- Ah!

Hit off. Off.

- [SHOUTS]
- Hit the off button.

I don't know how to!

[VACUUM SHUTS OFF]

There goes the
few chest hairs I had left.



Well, they were gray, so you're welcome.

Comen, Jenny's gonna be here any second.

I want the place to look nice for her.

- Jenny?
- My surrogate.

Can you at least pretend

that you've been listening
to me for the last year?

I was pretending!

And besides, I'm tired.

Grace, we're gonna be parents.

We got to learn how to...

how to have energy for longer
than four hours in a row.

But... but...

TV.

No.



Our kids are gonna be running
around, getting into things.

Their dopey, whiny friends will
be dropping by at all hours.

[GROANS] I hate my life.

Once again, it's my mother's birthday,

and I have no idea what to get her.

Just don't try and be cute.

Once, I told my mom I was her gift.

She asked if I came with a receipt.

You thought that was cute?

I don't know...
maybe my mom will like this

overpriced coffee table
or this stupid bar cart

or that Asian baby humping a fish.

He is not humping a fish.

They are spooning. It's sweet.

We don't have time for other
people's problems right now.

Make time. I've got a problem.

My jeweler...

and I can say that because
"Jew" is in the name...

has informed me that
a ring I was having reset

has been delivered by mistake
to the manse.

[SIGHS] Now I got to go
over there and get it.

Jackie, will you come with me?

I can't face Stan's neck rolls by myself.

Kar, I wish I could.

But I have to figure out

what to get my mother for her birthday.

I can't just go to your house
full of precious doodads

and priceless old-lady whatnots
there for the taking.

[BOTH GASP]

Poodle, did you just get your
chocolate in my peanut butter?

I think I did.

[DOOR CLOSES]

Okay, come on,
we got to finish cleaning up.

Sounds good.

I'm gonna go clean my pillow
with my head.

[VACUUM WHIRS]

[UPBEAT TRUMPET AND PIANO MUSIC]

Yeah, the pregnancy really
hasn't slowed me down at all.

Really?

You're not cranky and nauseous

and one foot isn't swollen,
like, a lot more than the other

so you have to borrow a
bigger left shoe from a friend?

No, never.

Yeah, me neither.

Okay, you guys ready to play some games?

Why is my left shoe so loose?

Thank you guys for letting me stay here.

I really didn't want to be

at my apartment while they painted it.

You know, the fumes
could be bad for the baby.

Of course, of course.

Oh, you guys.

This is just like spending the
weekend with my grandparents.

Now, that is sobering.

You think of us like your grandparents?

No, no, no, no. [SCOFFS]

Obviously, you're much younger than...

You're younger than them.

You had to count?

Okay, okay, look,

I know that we might be
a little on the old side,

but we are still pretty cool.

We play games.

Yahtzee, Heads Up!,

Perquackey.

It's about to get lit.

Okay, look,

this... this weekend
we're taking care of you,

so what do you want to do tonight?

Well, my friend texted me
about seeing a band.

Oh, we love live music.

We listen to it all the time on Google.

Let's... let's go.

Now? It's... it's 8:30.

- Grace?
- Oh, no, she's right.

Doors won't open for a few more hours.

But...

TV.

You guys don't have to go.

Of course we do.
You want to go, we want to go.

Cool.

- So who are we seeing?
- An experimental noise band.

Oi, gevalt.

Noise?

My favorite.

We should go... we should go
early to get good seats.

[CHUCKLES] There's no seats,
but there is a mosh pit.

So we'll be standing...

after 8:30?

I'm gonna need your shoe.

[BRIGHT PIANO MUSIC]

My old key still works. [CHUCKLES]

Guess nothing's changed.

Wow.

I forgot how fancy this place is, Kar.

Well, you know what
I always said about the manse...

it's not home,

but it's much.

Four milkshakes?

Stan usually only has three.

And this one doesn't have chicken in it.

I someone else here?

["DRAGNET" THEME]

It's my mom.

What is it, Mother?

No, I'm not getting you

leather pants for your birthday.

Because you can't pull them off.

No, I mean you literally
can't pull them off.

And don't ask me again to help you.

Fool me once.

All right, stop talking. I have to go.

I have to go!

I'm... I'm at a fancy store
shopping for you.

Jackie, this glass has lipstick on it.

Do you think Stan's seeing someone?

["DRAGNET" THEME]

[GROANS] I'm sending her to voice mail.

That's impossible, Karen.
Who could ever take your place?

Hey, guys.

Huh... what... Val?

What the hell are you doing in my house?

And why are you wearing
my shower curtain?

I live here now.

Stan and I are lovers.

Have you even been reinforced?

It's a sweet, sweet story, really.

I was in the park trying
to coax a rabbit into my purse.

I saw Stan buying a hot dog...

cart.

And you know how he always
makes that wheezing sound?

Well, I told him I could help him.

I'm a licensed breath-ologist now.

- That makes sense, yeah.
- Of course you are.

Anyhow, I gave him my card.

One thing led to another and
now we're boyfriend-girlfriend.

I do love a meat-cart-cute.

Look, Val,

if you want to play house

with my house of an ex-husband,
have at it.

I just want my ring back.

Ooh, yeah. Sorry, I can't.

See, it got delivered here,
and Stan said,

"You're my girlfriend now,
so you should have it."

And he did it all in one breath
just like I taught him.

But, guys, it was so fun to see you.

I miss you two fruity-doos.

But could you please leave now
before I have to call security?

Are you okay, Kar?

I mean, Stan and Val?

Val?

Crazy Val?

Stalker Val?

Insurance Fraud Val?

Oh, stop making her sound fun.

I got to get my ring back.

Stan gave it to my the night
we bought our first election.

I didn't realize it had
so much sentimental value.

Honey, you got to help me get it back.

But Val's no dummy.

Whatever plan we come up with

is gonna require subtlety and nuance.

How do we look?

Like both community college
and porn were too hard for you.

You're not just saying that?

And now for the final touch...

eau de minimum wage.

♪ ♪

Hey, sorry I had to bail early.

It was just getting
to be past their bedtime.

Yeah, no. I know it's only 11:30.

[LOUDLY] What a fun night.

The experimental noise
was very loud, though.

Yes, I know.

And the band really appreciated
it when you told them that.

Thanks. They're not real diamonds.

Will, are you okay?

I think it was a mistake to twerk.

Yeah, for a lot of reasons.

I don't think you should have
twerked... for a lot of reasons.

Look, why don't you two go lie down?

I'm gonna get my stuff out of your room.

Oh, no, no, Grace and I can
sleep in her bed.

It'll be just like when we dated,

except this time
I won't be faking an injury.

That was fun.

Yeah, it really keeps you young.

- What?
- I said, "Keeps you young."

They're not real diamonds.

[BRIGHT PIANO MUSIC]

You have until the count of three...

thousand to cut that out.

[LAUGHS]

One, one and a half...

[BELL RINGING]

Fix your ties, swallow your pride.

She's coming.

Hey, you guys.

Oh, look at you all so serious.

I need somebody to volunteer
to come to my boudoir,

check all the closets for monsters,

and tuck me in.

There's an extra caramel in it
for anyone who has teeth.

Sorry, Margot.

[BRITISH ACCENT] I'll do it.

I'm sorry. I don't remember you.

I'm Eliza.

And what do you do, Eliza?

Mm, this and that. Buns and nickels.

This is my friend...

[BRITISH ACCENT] Oliver.

[GROANING]

Ow.

[GROANS]

Ugh.

Why are you moaning, too?

I had two non-alcoholic beers
at that club.

I got none of the buzz
and all of the gas.

- Plus, I am freezing.
- What?

It's a thousand degrees in here.

I'm taking this cover off.

I would not lift that up if I were you.

[NORMAL VOICE] This should knock her out.

Then we can grab the ring.

[NORMAL VOICE] Okay.

Ooh, what'd you use?
Deep Sleeps, Orange Fog?

Who knows? I just shook out my purse.

Now, to cover our tracks,

we may have to change our identities,

burn off our fingerprints,
and go underground.

Or...

we can just not make
that big of a deal out of it.

Darn, in my head,

I already changed my identity
to Johnny Cox.

He's a retired porn star

who found the Lord
but kept his stage name.

Come in.

Hey. Can I get you guys anything?

Yeah, can you get another
blanket from the closet?

But not the gray one... it makes me itch.

And not the red one
'cause it makes me sneeze.

And can you take the tray?

Grace... she's our guest, not our nurse.

It's fine.

I'll get another blanket,
I'll take the tray,

and if you need to go to the restroom

before you go to sleep,
I will take you there.

I don't need anybody's help
to go the bathroom.

I can do that myself.

♪ ♪

[BRITISH ACCENT]
Begging your pardon, ma'am,

but wouldn't you have a glass
of warm strawberry milk?

[BRITISH ACCENT] Straight
from the strawberry cow's teat.

You guys are so good for me.

And thank you for remember
that I'm on an all-dairy diet.

Oop, every last drop. [CHUCKLES]

You know, I've always
had problems sleeping,

and I've tried everything.

I've tried meditating,

shoplifting,
cutting other people's nails,

and, finally, finally,
I stumbled on the one thing

that really helps.

[NORMAL VOICE] Oh!

- [NORMAL VOICE] She's out.
- Well, wake her up.

I want to know what helped her sleep.

What? Get her on the bed.

I can't lift her by myself.
She's full of dairy.

I'll get her legs.

- Yeah, okay.
- Okay, okay, okay.

Okay, get her to the bed.

To the bed, to the bed, to the bed.

- Wait. What?
- [GRUNTS]

[STRAINING]

It's like being back at Sarah Lawrence.

Okay. [STRAINING]

♪ ♪

Can you go a little faster?

It's like watching a tree die.

This soup smells really terrible.

I know, right?

- Wait, wait, wait. Ow!
- Let's just... Whoa!

[KNOCK AT DOOR]

Ma'am, are you all right? I heard a thud.

[BRITISH ACCENT] Must be in your head.

It could be a tumor.

[BRITISH ACCENT] You should see a doctor.

But stay in network.

[NORMAL VOICE] Oh, okay.

[STUTTERS]

[STRAINS]

It's stuck. I'll get some soap.

[NORMAL VOICE]
What if there's no liquid soap?

["DRAGNET" THEME]

We'll just cut her finger off.

Okay.

Mother, I can't talk now.
I'm under a woman.

Why does that make you happy?

What? Are you...

No, I'm not taking you
on a cruise for your birthday.

What, and spend ten days
rubbing your belly

'cause you ate too much pineapple?

No. That's a hard pass.

So strange being back here.

Different but the same.

They changed my medicine cabinet

into a Pilates studio.

Know what, Kar?

This feels kind of nice.

If women kept their clothes on,
I could be straight.

[GRUNTS] I got it. I got it.

What's going on?

Did I take a milk nap?

Go back to sleep. Okay.

What happened to your accent?

Oh, I assimilated.

Got my GED and said good-bye
to my health care.

And I was never British.

♪ ♪

[BRIGHT PIANO MUSIC]

You did it, Kar.
You got what you came for.

Yeah.

What's the matter?

You got that happy-sad look,

like when you see a waiter fall

but then realize
they were carrying your drink.

It's this inscription... "Forever yours."

Stan had that inscribed for you, huh?

But we didn't last forever, did we?

[SIGHS]

Stan's not mine anymore

and this isn't mine anymore either.

None of this is.

But you had a whole life here.

My life is somewhere else now.

I'm not even sure this place
brings me joy anymore.

Boo!

[BOTH LAUGHING]

[SIGHS] Funny is funny, right?

Not another step, you two.

BOTH: It was her idea.

Karen, Jack,

were you gonna leave
without saying good-bye?

How'd you know it was us?

Your faces.

Gosh, I had so much fun

playing make-'em-ups
and getting drugged by you.

I'm glad you got your ring back.

It's obviously super important to you.

Thanks Val, but...

I don't want it.

It belongs to you.

Oh, no. I can't take it.

Stan got it for you.

And if I want something
really nice on my hands,

I can just ask him
to buy me fancy ring pops.

Besides, I wouldn't want
to ruin our friendship.

You think of me as a friend?

You're, like, my best friend.

Best human friend.

You think of me as human?

Kind of.

Well, if neither of us wants the ring

what should we do with it?

["DRAGNET" THEME]

♪ ♪

Yeah. No, Mother, that's right.

I had it inscribed just for you.

Well, I meant it.

I am...

forever yours.

[SIGHS]

No, Mother, I'm married now.

I'm never moving home.
My only plan B is death.

What do you mean
where are you gonna wear it?

How about anywhere?

You're a 77-year-old knockout

with a high arch and your own hair!

Live it!

And, Mom...

happy birthday.

Okay, I'm back.

Everything go okay in there?
You were gone for a half hour.

I had to lean up against
the tile for a while till the...

till the spasms went away, but...

but I'm good as... [GROANS]

Will you go lie down, please?

[SCOFFS] This is crazy.
You're having my baby.

I'm supposed to be taking care of you.

Are you... are you hungry?

If you give me six hours,
I can get to the kitchen.

No, just get in bed.

You're as stubborn as my grandpa.

This side.

- Move over.
- [SCOFFS AND GRUMBLES]

Oh, and it was perfect.

[GROANS]

No wonder we remind you
of your grandparents.

We're basically skeletons having babies.

But isn't having kids
gonna keep us young?

Isn't that something people say?

It's something liars say.

[STUTTERS]

We're gonna be exhausted and frail,

and we won't understand any
of their weird music

or technology.

I don't understand any of our technology.

How are we grandparents
before we're even parents?

No, when I said you guys
reminded me of my grandparents,

I meant that as a compliment.

My mom worked three jobs.
My dad left when I was little.

My grandparents pretty much raised me.

But they were active grandparents, right?

Like, the ones

who have snowball fights
in the Celebrex ads?

Mm-mm.

No, they hardly left the couch,

but they were kind, and they
knew how the world worked.

And when I had hard days...

and I had a lot of really hard days...

they would let me sleep
right in between them

where I knew I was safe.

That's what a kid needs,
not someone to twerk with.

You're not gonna
let me forget that, are you?

Never.

And if you do, I have a video.

Oh, good.

You guys are gonna be great parents.

- Thanks.
- That means a lot.

All right, good night, guys.
Get some rest.

Um, you know, there's room
for one more in here.

- Really?
- Yeah.

You'll be sleeping in a sea of
crumbs and used dental floss,

but you'll get used to it.

He's joking.

I don't floss.

- Ahh...
- [GROANS]

Aw. This is so nice.

And this duvet is so comfortable.

I got a good deal.

Of course, this was in the '90s,

so things were much cheaper then.

You could get a cup of coffee
for a dollar.

Shut up.

You could see a movie for five.

That's crazy.

This reminds me of this one
time I was at my grandparent's.

It was the middle of winter.

I'd been playing in the snow all day.

My grandma made me a cup of hot cocoa.

[BOTH SNORING]

Damn! The lights.

Oh they are old.