Will & Grace (1998–…): Season 11, Episode 13 - Filthy Phil, Part II - full transcript

"Will & Grace" is recorded
in front of a live audience.

[line trilling]

Grace, don't.
She said not to.

Hey, Karen, uh,
I know that you said

you never wanted
to see us again,

and I totally respect that,
but I just wanted to call

and say hey and make sure
you're okay, okay?

So... hey.

Okay.

Oy vey.

Wow, that was like word jazz.



Well, I am worried about her.

Karen just met this guy a week
ago, and she's in love?

Whatever happens,

I'm sure here true friends,
Alcohol and Painkiller,

will be there for her.

I'm not saying
we could take their place.

It just doesn't feel right.

[knock at door]

Hey, losers.
It's me, Karen.

I just stopped by
your dumb apartment

to tell you to leave me alone.

No need to open the‐‐

Okay, I'm not really Karen.

It's me, Friday.



Wow.

The similarities
are nonexistent.

Karen told me to trick you

so you that you wouldn't
go looking for her.

I knew I should've finished

Natalie Portman's
MasterClass.

Where is Karen?

Friday, if you know something,
you have to tell us.

Okay, you know that new guy
she's seeing? Phil?

Well, she told him
about her cabin,

and they decided to go
there for the weekend.

Wait, her cabin in the woods?

The one that's a million miles
away from anything?

- We gotta get to that cabin.
- What?

You just told me
not to get involved.

Okay, look,
I finally listened

to the "Dirty John" podcast.

I still have two episodes
to go.

I was waiting for you
to catch up!

Okay, there's... there's...
there's more.

After I finished "Dirty John"
I listened "Malicious Mark."

What?

We said we were gonna save
"Malicious Mark" for Purim.

Wait, look.

The... the point is
there's a pattern

to all of these
true crime podcasts

that's happening
with Karen and Phil.

Mysterious man
from out of nowhere,

claims to be a doctor...
Goes after wealthy women...

Tries to separate her
from her friends.

We have to get to the cabin.
I'll drive.

I'll criticize.

[upbeat trumpet
and piano music]

[♪♪]

*WILL AND GRACE*
Season 11 Episode 13

Episode Title: "Filthy Phil (Part 2)
Aired on: 03/05/2020

No, please!

[pants]
Phil, I beg you!

Stop or I'll scream!

Scream all you want.

There's no one around
for miles.

[gasping]

[whimpering]

[sings operatic high note]

[exhales]

I have to warn you, the
procedure I'm about to perform

is not covered by Obamacare.

[gasps]

You're a little early, Doctor,
but...

I think
I can squeeze you in.

[♪♪]

Okay, ladies, eight hours
until the grand reopening.

Wow, look at you,
all boss‐lady like.

Hmm.

Turns out,
the devil wears Old Navy.

I know, right?

I'm such a hard‐ass.

Owen!

If you have time to lean,
you got time to preen!

Lick those eyebrows neat.

Next time,
do it with your tongue;

you get a raise.

What are these ruby slippers
doing here?

I... I thought they looked
pretty there.

You thought?

This guy.

Last time I checked,

I was the only one who got paid
to "thought," huh?

And I say they look pretty...

Here.

That is better, sir.
Yeah, it is.

[rapidly] Oh, my gosh.
Oh, my gosh.

That's Dexter Murphy
from "The New York Gayzette"

He's interviewing me
about my big opening.

[laughing]

Hello, welcome.
I'm Jack McFarland.

I'm Dexter Murphy,
"New York Gayzette."

I loved your takedown
of Andy Cohen's dog.

Ugh, that bitch had it coming.

Yeah.
May I take your... poncho?

Or is that
what's holding you together?

We missed the turn.
No, this is right.

Well, how do you know?

You said Karen blindfolded you

so that you wouldn't see
where it was.

She does not like drop‐ins,

but I can figure it out with
my heightened sense of smell.

It's kind of my superpower.

And I'm getting...
[inhales]

Raspberry cream and...
[inhales]

Epoxy glue.

The turn's coming up.

Raspberry cream and glue?

There is nothing in the world
that smells like...

"Gower's Fruit‐Filled Candy
and Marine Sealants,"

100 yards.

Wow, that's...
that's quite a nose.

My dad raised bloodhounds.

I used to always try
to find the dead rabbits

before they could.

You know, so that Dad
would love me.

I always won...

the rabbits, not his love.

[♪♪]

So let me get right to it,
Mr. McFarland.

How do you plan on keeping

an iconic institution like
Coco's open without Coco?

Oh, oh, they'll still come.
Yeah.

I'm not changing anything.
Yeah.

We're just under
new management.

The bar's transitioning...

like half our patrons.

Do you think people who are
transitioning are funny?

Oh, God, no.
They have no sense of humor.

Thank you for your time.

I must rush this to my editor
because, clearly,

this place won't be open
much longer.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Wait, wait, I forgot
to tell you about the one thing

I'm bringing to the bar
that's gonna make

everyone wanna come here.

It's, uh...

[gasps]
Ooh, ooh!

These are the original
ruby slippers

worn by Judy Garland
in "The Wizard of Oz."

Yes, they are.

- Are those real?
- Yes, they are real.

Uh, and that's why I'm renaming
the bar to "the Ruby Slipper."

What kind of an idiot would do
that unless they weren't real?

I know one.

What if we're wrong?

What if we get there
and they're just having

a normal romantic weekend?

Better to be wrong

than to find out

he chopped her up to make stew.

And that's what "Malicious
Mark" did to his victims.

Why would Phil
go through all this?

- That's what I don't get.
- Money.

They're always after the money.

Yeah, but he's so handsome,
though.

You think he could get money
out of women without killing them.

I mean, that body after 40?

I'd give him my debit card.

One good thing is, legally,

even if he wanted
Karen's money,

he couldn't get it.

Not unless they're married.

Okay, Doctor.

Truth or dare?

Hmm.

Truth.

Um, have you ever
stolen anything?

Oh.

Well, once when I was ten,

I took some licorice
from the corner store, and...

I felt so guilty
that I went right back in

and apologized to the owner.

Aww.
That's so sweet.

Oh!
And a truck full of TVs.

Yeah, the guy just
left it running,

and I hopped in just to see
if I could get away with it.

I did.

I got away with it.

Oh, good, because when you
told me the licorice story,

I was worried I'd hitched
my wagon to a fruit cart.

Aww.

Karen, you make me so happy.

You, me too, Phil.

[giggles]
Um...

ooh, I got a good one.

Have you ever killed anyone?
[laughs]

Isn't it my turn?

Oh, right.
I'm sorry, darling.

Oh, that's okay, baby.

So truth or dare?

Dare.

Marry me.

[bongo and piano music]

[♪♪]

Do you see Karen?

I don't think anyone's here.

She's here.
[inhales]

I smell Chanel and Adderall.

Do you think
they went for a walk?

Oh, in "Malicious Mark,"
when the sun went down,

he took his victim
for a walk in the woods.

That's when he'd...

and then...

He made them cotton candy?

Stew.

He made stew out of them.

You don't think rotten Phil
did the same with Karen?

It can't be "Rotten Phil."
It's gotta start with a P.

Oh, like "Philadelphia Phil."

If he's from Philadelphia.

Ooh, ooh, how about
"Psychotic Phil"?

The P can't be silent.

How about "Psychotic Sam"?

"Psychotic Sam."
That's good.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, both
words have to start with a "ph"

and one of them has to be Phil.

It's not that hard a concept.

[all shriek]

Hey. [chuckles]

Hey, Sam... uh, Phil.

[laughing] We... the three of us
were just, uh...

The two.
I'm not with them.

I'm just a Jehovah's Witness,

but you guys seem
too smart for us. [laughs]

Yeah, so we were...
we were just...

Uh, we were in the
neighborhood because...

We... we've got a... a cabin
on the lake...

Yeah.
...too, right down...

round...
'bout there, a piece.

Uh, yeah.

Uh, uh, can we see Karen?

Don't you mean
Mrs. Phillip Johnson?

You two got married?

The justice of the peace
just left.

It was a beautiful ceremony.

I totally cried because
that's a thing people do.

Um, can we congratulate Karen
in person?

Oh, she went for a walk.

It's getting dark.
Hope nothing happened to her.

Why don't you come in and wait?
I'm making stew.

Aren't you coming?
Both: Yes, yes!

[piano music]

[classy piano music]

[sighs]
It's 8:15.

Why is nobody here?

There must be a sale
on glitter.

Or maybe Lin‐Manuel Miranda

is doing is doing
an impromptu rap somewhere,

and everybody's
being forced to like it.

Every reservation?

Every one, canceled.

I don't get it.
This is my grand reopening.

This place should be fending
off drunk bachelorettes

crying about their gay cousins
in Kansas.

You think it might have
something to do

with the article
that was just posted?

Read the headline.

"New Owner of Miss Coco's

Fails to Google Ruby Slippers
Before Lying About Them."

Do you think this is gonna
affect my big opening?

[both laughing]

It's not funny now!

You shouldn't have lied
to that reporter, Jack.

I know, I know.
I just...

I want so badly
for this to be a success.

But you just started.

Come on.
Give it time.

Time for what?

I never should have bought
this place

in the first place.

Yes, I know, I just said
the word "place" twice.

Listen,

when I bought this place,
it was a deli,

but I had a vision.

I based the entire concept
on something I loved...

Me.
[chuckles]

So you're saying I should
make this bar all about me?

No, dear. No.

It's a business.
You want paying customers.

You gotta put
your own stank on it.

[sighs]
What if nobody likes my stank?

Listen.

Life is a gamble,

but at least
you're rolling the dice.

You know, most people don't
have the guts to do that.

Thanks, Coco,
but it's too late.

[sighs]
That article's gonna bury me.

Every gay guy in New York City
is gonna read that story

and then retweet it
with a mean GIF

of Beyoncé's hair
getting caught in a fan.

So?

You give that reporter
another story to tell,

because if there's one thing
our people like better

than watching
one of our own stumble,

it's cheering
when they get back up

for a glorious second act.

Look at Renée in "Judy."

Oh, my God.
You're right.

You're right, Coco.

I'm gonna call that reporter
and give him a new story,

because, God as my witness,

I will Zellweger this so hard,
my opening will be huge!

And that's funny again.
Go ahead.

[both laughing]

Why did we come inside?

This is just like
every horror movie.

First they invite you in, make
you feel at home, and then...

What, you think
he's gonna give you a handy?

Stabbing!
This is stabbing.

Then stabbing
is how I got popular.

All I'm saying is,

until we know Karen is safe,
we gotta be careful.

Grace, what are you doing?
I'm hungry.

The drive up took six hours.

[whispering]
What if the stew is Karen?

I mean, it's already made.

Put the spoon down.
Put the spoon down.

Lotta whispering going on.

Hope you're talking about
my wedding gift.

Wouldn't say no
to a wood chipper.

Um, actually, we were just
saying how exciting it is

that you and Karen got married.

It happened so fast.

Yeah, she didn't knock you
up, did she?

[laughs]
Come on, you guys.

I mean,
you don't think one of us

trapped the other in marriage,
do you?

Not at all.
Oh, God, no.

Because Karen and I
are in love.

- True love. I see it.
- Really, a beautiful thing.

Not to mention,
men can't get pregnant.

We have ways to shut that down
with our body.

That's funny
you mention that,

considering I am pregnant.

Not sure if you remembered

I'm carrying precious life
inside me.

Yeah, ooh.
Me too.

I mean, w... with a surrogate.

Yeah, but he's not
carrying the baby.

No, but I am
the baby's father.

- You don't need to be here...
- Yeah, okay.

I want to be here for it.

But if you died suddenly,

it wouldn't be the worst thing.

Grace!

Oh!

[groans]
Cut myself.

Oh, blood.
Ah, I hate it.

- I hate looking at blood.
- Aren't you a surgeon?

Well, my own blood.

Other people's blood,
I have no problem with.

I'm gonna get a bandage.
Agh! Ugh! Ick!

[waggles tongue]
I'm gonna puke.

Agh.

Okay, I got a bad feeling
about this guy.

You think?
Where is Karen?

I don't believe for a second

that she went for a walk
in the woods.

Do you?

Karen wouldn't be caught dead
in nature.

The only reason she'd go
to the woods

is to lure children

to her house made of candy.

Psst, you guys.

Friday, where did you go?

Oh, I kinda freak out
around murderers.

I know,

you'd think after what happened

to my first two roommates,
I'd be over it,

but... guess not.

Why don't you go back
to the car

and see if
you can get a signal?

Okay,
but it's super cold out,

and I definitely just
heard a big animal.

I think it might've
been a bear.

Okay, well,
make yourself big, or...

or make yourself small, or...

you'll figure something out.

That was close.

In the medical profession,
we call that

a stage‐three boo‐boo.

Okay, Phil.

Where's Karen?

I told you.
She's taking a walk.

Why would you ask twice?

Unless you wanna take a walk.

Would you like
to take a walk, Will?

I... I already got
my steps in today.

Plus, he's already
too skinny.

Yeah.

A lot of his sweaters
are women's medium.

What is the matter with you?

How about you, Grace?

I'll take you out

in a canoe
on the lake.

Oh, um, I'm not really
a fan of the canoe.

Or water.

At the gym,
I drink Diet Dr. Pepper.

Oh, is that right?

[sobs]
Okay, regular Dr. Pepper.

And she doesn't go
to the gym.

[whimpering]
I don't.

Grace, come on.
A little fun won't kill you.

Yeah?

And neither will you!

Damn it.
Anything but the broom.

What are you doing?

We know that you're lying,
Phil!

About being a doctor, about the
credit cards in your wallet...

Nora Nessbaum!

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Where's Karen?

And you tell us the truth,

or we will do...

something that
we have planned out

and practiced a lot of times!

Whoo.

I had to track Mopsy and Flopsy
for 45 minutes...

But we're eatin' meat.

Will, what are you doing here?

And did you ride here
on that zebra?

[upbeat piano music]

[downbeat piano music]

I thought
I'd made myself clear.

You support me
or you stay out of my life.

But you couldn't do either one,
could you?

Karen, Phil is not the man
that you think he is.

He is a con man.

If this is about
the licorice, he apologized.

I called the
state medical licensing board.

There is no record of him.

That's because
I changed my name.

I'm sorry I didn't tell you.

I was born
Phillip Johnsonawitz.

You see,

the medical profession has
been unwelcoming to Jews.

That's not true at all!

Karen, you're friends
with this putz?

See?
He speaks Yiddish.

So you are licensed?

Look, if you want me to
show you all my credentials,

explain those credit cards...

Nora Nessbaum, by the way,
is my neighbor,

and she gave me her card
so I can buy her groceries.

If you wanna see all that,
I'll happily show you.

You don't have to show
anything to anyone, darling.

[sighs]
You know what?

- I think I just wanna go home.
- Hmm.

Would you put our bags
in the car?

I need a minute alone
with these two.

Of course.

Just don't invite them
on a walk or a canoe ride.

They'll be total dicks
about it.

- Please, understand...
- Karen, we really just wa...

No, no, no, no, no.
20 years of friendship

and you still can't trust me
to make my own decisions.

I mean, the idea
that I wouldn't know

when something is real?

[engine starts, tires squeal]

[car speeds off]

That was Phil.

He's probably turning
the car around

to get a little closer.

I don't think so.

Maybe he's doing doughnuts
to impress the local teens.

[sighs]

He left me?

Just like that?

Karen, we're so sorry.

I knew he wasn't a doctor.

On his diploma,

"MD" was spelled wrong.

Well, if you knew that,

- why would...
- What do you want me to say?

Somebody comes along
and tells you

that you're
the sun and the moon.

You want so badly
to believe them.

Plus, he destroyed in the sack.

I mean, really destroyed.

Like, call your next of kin
to identify the remains.

So yeah, I guess I closed
my eyes to a few things.

Everybody's a little blind
when it comes to love.

I guess at the end of the
day, we're just three lonely...

Up, up, up, up, up.

I'm already devastated, Grace.

Hearing you say
that I'm like the two of you

is a little more
than I can take right now.

But, uh...

thanks for being there for me,
kids.

It means a lot.

We'll always have your back.

Now that we know you're safe...

Go, get your stew.
Thank God.

We still have to deal with
the fact that you married him.

Mm, Anastasia Beaverhausen
married him.

We signed a piece of bark

in the presence of a badger
we made into a stew.

I think we're good.

Wait, this is badger?

It's really good.

Thank you all
for coming tonight,

and thank you to Dexter Murphy
of "The New York Gayzette"

for his fantastic
follow‐up article,

"Redemption of a Liar," colon,
"Jack McFarland's Second Act."

Miss Coco told me what I needed
to do to make this place mine,

and I thought about all
the good times I've had here

and all the great friends
I've made,

and I realized
this bar isn't about me.

It's not even about Coco.

It's about all of us

and what it means for us
to have a place like this.

So everybody,

welcome to...

"Queers"!

[cheers and applause]

"Where everybody knows
you're gay!"

"And they're always
glad you came."

Isn't it great?

I don't get it.

[silly piano music]