Will & Grace (1998–…): Season 11, Episode 12 - Filthy Phil, Part I - full transcript

"Will & Grace" is recorded

in front of a live studio audience.

So Karen invited her
new boyfriend over for brunch.

That's, like, something

a person would do.

I know, it's strangely human...

like when a chimp smokes a cigarette.

Phil's on his way up.

Grace, fix your tie.
Will, change your dress.

Good Lord, feel my heart.
It's beating aile a minute.

Okay, there's one. Yeah.



I have never seen you
so excited about a guy.

Well, I finally met someone
I really like.

You have no idea
how hard it is out there.

All the good ones have been indicted.

So, tell us about Phil.

Charming, sweet,

and he has a remarkable penis.

It's like an oil rig

drilling until it devastates
everything in its path.

I... I just meant what does he do?

He's here.

Will, put on some lipstick.
Grace, stop mincing.

- Hey, babe.
- Ooh!

He calls me babe.



Hi, babe. I call him babe.

Will, Grace, meet Dr. Phil Johnson.

Ooh, what do you think?

You gotta give 'em a chance.

I haven't even turned on my A game.

Will, this is for you.

Karen told me you're
a big, bold, complex guy,

like this cabernet.

Don't forget fruity
and gives you a headache.

And Grace,

here's something beautiful
and delicate like yourself.

Don't forget slightly wilted
and covered in bees.

Welcome, it's so...

Okay, back off desperado.

He's taken.

Papi, it's so sad to think
of Miss Coco's closing.

I know, it's like a death.

So what's going to happen to Coco's?

Unless someone buys it, it goes away.

Just like every other gay bar
in this city.

You know, the Manhole
is now a Victoria's Secret.

I imagine there is some crossover.

Where will all these people go?

Where will Slutty Steve
get his self-esteem?

What will happen to Rough Trade Ralph

or Scientology guy?

We can't let all the gay bars disappear.

Someone needs to buy Coco's.

Well, why don't you?

Me?

Oh no, no. I am a working actor.

Papi, did you get a job?

I'm

working on it.

No, no, no, no, no.
I like this idea, you know?

Keep it in the family.

Not my actual family.

They're all Florida gutter trash.

May they get washed away
in the next hurricane.

They should get washed away!

God, you should buy it.

I mean, I can't be
a flight attendant forever.

At a certain point these passengers,

they start giving you this look, like,

"Oh, I got a old one."

That's crazy.

Where would I even get the money?

Just get a loan. Try the banks.

Okay, Tyra Banks
is not gonna give me money.

She's never once returned a DM.

Apparently, I'm not "Top Model" material.

Oh, no, no, mi amor.

The banks, like,
this place that has, like,

a bowl of lollipops.

Oh, a bank. Duh.

I don't know.

I mean, me, a business owner?

I mean, I do have half glasses.

And I have been told I look
important when I do this.

Okay, Mr. Business Owner.
Where did Mr. Jack go?

It was just a pencil and
gla... I'm right here.

It's just me.

Okay, black coffee for Phil.

Karen, I'm fresh out of blood.
What are you drinking?

Straight vodka with
just a splash of other vodka.

Phil, anything else I can get?

There's a few mini fritters left.

Oh, I couldn't eat another bite.

And by that, I mean I'll have two.

Oh, isn't he hilarious?

It's this all day long.
Just back and forth like this.

So how'd you guys meet?

Oh, it's a funny story.

Are you gonna speak for me?

Oh, I'm sorry, darling.

I mean, Grace was looking directly at me.

Oh, completely my mistake.

It's okay, anyone can take it.

Go ahead, please. Forgive me?

Oh, I forgive.

But I won't forget.

Uh, we met at the bar at the Carlyle.

I had just finished a very
difficult heart surgery.

I thought you were an OB-GYN.

I used to be. I do heart surgery now.

That's unusual.
Did you go to med school for...

Will, where did you learn
to cook like this

and stay in such good shape?

I mean, do you work out
three hours a day?

Three hours?

That would be crazy.

I do two hours and I eat healthy.

Here's an interesting thing about me:

I try to keep my proteins

to the size of a deck of cards,

my grains to the size of a fist,

and then I just load up on leafy greens.

That is fascinating.

Is it?

Your fritters are ready,

and I will refrain
from making any fritter puns.

Thank God.

Well, why don't you
fritter away and get them?

Good Lord, am I dating Chris Rock?

Okay, let's go back

to how you went from delivering
babies to doing heart surgery.

Well, there's actually
a lot of crossover.

I mean, sometimes babies don't come out

from the... clown's mouth

and

you have to get them from, you know,

the circus tent.

And we call those "tummy babies."

All these medical terms.

Oh, whoosh right over my head.

Uh, you mean cesarean?

So I guess you're the doctor, huh?

Uh, so how many years ago did you...

I mean, for real, Will,

you are one of David Beckham's
arms come to life.

Can I get into the gym with you?

Show me a couple of pointers?

Well, of course. I'd love that.

Interesting thing about me...

you know, a lot of people
do arms every three days.

I do 'em every

two days.

So it goes... it goes chest, arms, legs,

then back, arms,
then back to chest, arms.

Yes, I skipped shoulders.
You're probably wondering why.

Let's give them time to guess.

You called me in the kitchen?

Oh ho ho...

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

Ah, ah, ah.

They are sure to give you
the loan, mi amor.

You look so businesslike.

I know.

I'm wearing my three-piece underwear.

Aw, cute little girl.

Oh, that's my nephew.

He was Lisa Vanderpump for Halloween.

We so got this.

Hi, I'm Ruth. Sorry I'm late.

I'm going through a thing with my ex.

We're co-parenting a cat

and he doesn't seem to understand

that Mayonnaise needs
her medicine every day.

That's all right.

She can scoot her butt
across his West Elm rugs

every other weekend.

Uh, I'm sorry. Is now a bad time?

Oh, no, no, no, I'm good.

In fact, I have a date this Friday.

My ex hasn't dated in two years, so...

I win!

I've been looking at your application

and I see that you're interested

in a small business loan.

Small, large.

I'm not a size queen, Ruth.

I'm not a big fan of penis jokes.

Oh.

Well, then, I am...

Out of material.

First issue I see here is your credit.

You don't have any.

Uh, did you look at my resume here?

Most of those credits are real.

It's true, Ruth.
He really was Fat Filipino #2.

I didn't have to wear offensive makeup.

The camera was never on me.

No, no, no.

What I mean is that we need to be sure

that you can pay us back.

Okay.

You gonna be that girl, Ruth?

You lend me money,
and then you get all weird

if you see me out to dinner?

This is a bank.

And... and this bar just
doesn't seem like a good risk.

I mean, is there anything you can show me

that would inspire some confidence?

How 'bout this?

No, you... you can keep that.

Hey, papi.

Maybe show her your
PowerPoint presentation.

Ruth, this is a game changer.

Good idea, my PowerPoint. Here we go.

You need to help me

buy that bar down the street

because God as my witness,
I don't have the money.

I do not trust that guy.

What? He's great.

You keep missing it
when he says weird things.

One minute he's an OB-GYN and
the next he's a heart surgeon?

Well, that's not so strange.

I mean... vaginas to angina?

Oh, Phil will like that one.

I'm serious, Will.

It's like he's a...

Do you remember that podcast
we listened to?

The one about the reporter
who delved into the

- unsolved murder in the South?
- Not that one.

The one about the reporter
who delved into the unsolved

- kidnapping in the South?
- Not that one.

The one about the reporter
who delved into the unsolved

murder-kidnapping in the South
and then got kidnapped

and murdered himself?

No. Phil is Dirty John.

He's Filthy Phil.

I am telling you, it is exactly the same.

He is a handsome, charming,
controlling "doctor."

Right, right, he's... he's Dirty John.

Oh, my God, you never listened to it.

I am telling you
this guy is after her money.

This is what they do.

They charm their way into your
lives until they control you.

Nobody controls Karen Walker.

Oh, I dropped my napkin.

Oh, I'm sorry, darling. I didn't notice.

Ah, ah, ah. Eye contact.

Oh.

Hold it, hold it. Yeah.

Uh-huh, keep going. Hold it.

Got it.

Oh, who's my napkin fairy?

Me, me, me!

Okay, that was weird.

So Karen, what do you
really know about Phil?

Besides that he's a doctor of everything?

What do you mean, honey?

He seems a little controlling.

I know, but honestly, I...

I like being with a man who takes charge.

For 30 years I had to tell Stan,

"Put on your dinner tarp.
We're having a red sauce."

Okay, but...

No, don't ruin this, honey.
I'm having fun.

And don't worry,
I'm not gonna stop being me.

- Cigarette, babe?
- Sure.

What, you smoke?

No, I want him to think I'm cool.

What did you guys talk about?

Well, there may be a couple of red flags.

He's probably not a cardiologist

unless there's actually
a heart condition known as

thrombosis expialidocious.

Oh, I knew it.

What are you doing?

I am going through his wallet.

Come on, keep a look out.

Oh, my God.

He has a credit card through
Nora Nessbaum.

That's not good...

unless maybe he used to be her.

Great, he's trans.

- Now we have to like him.
- Yeah.

Every credit card has a different name,

and not one of them is Phil Johnson.

- Now what are you doing?
- I'm Googling him.

What are you Googling,
"not Dr. Phil Johnson"?

No.

New York City, con man,
rich lady, fake doctor.

Oh, my God, there's so many.

Isn't that your dentist?

Oh, no.

He gave me nitrous for everything.

What are we looking at?

- Uh, we are on Etsy.
- Mm.

Uh, looking for a crocheted bong cozy.

Right, 'cause I... I don't want
my weed to get cold, right?

And then the bank lady opened the doors

and shoved me roughly onto the sidewalk

and yelled, "We don't want your kind!"

Actually she said,
"It was nice to meet you."

And she offered us a cupcake

from the branch manager's birthday.

Well, you did your best,

which is probably why it didn't work.

So that's it, huh?

Another gay bar bites the tush.

But Coco's is more
than just another gay bar.

It's a place where we all gather.

People like

Half Tom, Half Tammy.

Where will they go?

And Doesn't Know Where She Is Diane.

And Bummer Bennet, who's really annoying.

I mean a miserable person
who comes every night

because he knows no one here
will say it to his face.

Did you just...

And where Closeted Keith...

Closeted Keith can flirt with guys

so he has something to think
about on his date with a girl.

I'll come out when my mom dies.

But most important,

Coco's is the place
I first found my community.

I remember a certain 19-year-old kid

in short shorts and a Boy George haircut

roller blading in to use the pay phone.

I walked in right behind him.

And I looked around and I thought,

"These are my people."

I felt safe.

I was...

I was home.

So you did some digging? You know,

I wouldn't believe everything
you see on the internet.

I once clicked on a picture of
that kid from "Jerry Maguire"

and I absolutely could believe
what he looked like today.

Uh...

So we've heard all about
your doctor stuff.

You're probably wondering what we do.

Grace is a designer. I'm a lawyer.

More specifically, I'm Karen's lawyer.

It's my job to look out for her.

- Oh, is that so?
- Mm-hmm.

Well, I sincerely hope

you have someone
who can look out for you.

What the hell is that supposed to mean?

I mean I sincerely hope
somebody looks out for you.

I mean, everybody should have that.

You didn't say it like that.

You said it scary,

like Liam Neeson

before he throws a terrorist
into a wood chipper.

You know, I think you misunderstood me,

and misunderstandings
can cause real problems.

- Kinda just did it again.
- No, I did not.

I said, "Misunderstandings
can cause real problems."

I mean, watch any episode
of "Three's Company."

Phil, I forget...

did you want me to get you
the Tesla 3 or the S?

Oh, the S, babe. The 3s are for peasants.

But we have to go.

I have to get to the hospital
but if you leave first,

then I can watch that sweet ass walk out.

It's like bible camp all over again.

Well, it has been wonderful...

oh, I don't have to do this with you.

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Um, Karen? Karen, hey.

Why don't you stay so we can dish?

Or I could blow off the surgery

and we could go back
to your place and have sex.

You can blow off surgery?

Oh, yeah. The, uh, helper girl can do it.

- You mean the nurse?
- Hmm?

Hmm, do I want to make conversation

with Will and Grace

or go to the tongue rodeo for two hours?

Bye, kids.

Yee-haw.

Hey, Karen. Karen, please.

Just don't give this guy
a key to your apartment.

Well, he's gotta have one.

He's moved in.

- What?
- So fast?

When it's right, it's right.

Karen, say good-bye to your friends.

You don't know when
you'll see them again.

Look at that. Did you not hear that?

He's right, I don't know
when I'm gonna see you again.

We don't have anything on the books.

Ruth, if Coco's closes,
where will all these people go?

Where will they go, Ruth,
the Starbucks in Chelsea?

There is no lock on the bathroom door.

You both have to hold it closed
with your feet.

Where is the romance, huh?

I appreciate your passion, Mr. McFarland,

but I have to consider the risk.

Okay.

All right, get out of here,
you big British cigarettes.

Let's go, move it, move it.

I've never done it in a bank before.

Uh, not today, Slutty Steve.

Try liking yourself.

Look, Jack.
I know this is personal to you.

I think it's personal to you, too.

You talk about risk.

What about this little boy?
Think about it.

What happens when he grows up, huh?

We get rid of all the gay bars,

where does this sweet little
gay scout find his den?

You've certainly shown me

that you have a loyal clientele.

80% of every successful
restaurant is return customers.

I did a little gay Google.

I gaygled.

I am going to approve this loan.

Seriously? Oh my God, thank you.

I can't believe that worked.

It's ringing.

Honey, thank God you called.

Why, what's wrong?

I don't... I don't know where I am.

It's... it's so dark.

I think I hear a seagull and a foghorn.

My God, Karen. Hold on.

We're gonna trace this call.

Ha, ha, busted!

Leave a message.

I fell for that yesterday.

Will, take out your curlers.
Grace, turn off the game.

We need to talk.

I'm getting that you're not
on board with Phil.

No, we're not. We don't trust him,

and we don't even think he's a doctor.

Hmm. He said you'd say that.

He's got a wallet full of credit cards

in other people's names.

He said you'd say that, too.

Karen, we think
he's only after your money.

He didn't say you'd say that.

Oh, okay. Now he said you'd say that.

And he wants ice cream from one place

and toppings from another.

So, you two think that the only way

a man would be interested in me
is for my money?

- That's not what we meant.
- Oh my God, no.

We're just worried about you.

You're worried about me,

or you don't want me to be happy

because you don't have a man
in your life?

I think you're just

Jewish.

Jewish? Uh, don't you mean I'm jealous?

So you admit it.

Karen, we just the best for you.

So do I, and I think what's best for me

is to have somebody in my life

who loves me and supports me like Phil.

So if I have to choose
between Phil and you,

well, I'm making my choice right now.

So this is how it ends?

Oh, okay!