Will & Grace (1998–…): Season 11, Episode 11 - Accidentally on Porpoise - full transcript

"Will & Grace" is recorded

in front of a live studio audience.

Do you have to go so slow?

I'm being careful. Precious cargo.

It's a watermelon.

I'm not gonna test out a new stroller

with an actual baby.

I'm not a crazy person.

Do you think she's dressed warm enough?

[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]

[CLEARS THROAT]



Why is it shiny?

Oh, my God.

Did you put sunscreen on that watermelon?

To prevent what? Melon-noma?

You've been a wack-a-doo
ever since you met

with that baby proofer.

Mr. Ow-ie made everything very real,

and you're just mad because
I baby proofed the snack drawer

and you had to bite it open.

You're having a baby, too.
Why aren't you terrified?

I am terrified, of you.

Why don't you eat your feelings
like normal people?

Just relax. Calm down.

I am calm. I am relaxed.



[ELEVATOR RUMBLES, ALARM RINGS]

[SCREAMS] Get me off of this death trap!

No, no, no! You pressed James's floor!

James?

Oh, the guy you slept with his son?

Okay, we don't have
to revisit the whole thing...

- And his father?
- Okay, that's enough.

And... and you took such a massive dump,

it destroyed his apartment?

My pain and embarrassment

should not bring you so much amusement.

And yet, it does.

Grace, what are the odds

he's gonna be in the hallway right now?

[ELEVATOR DOOR DINGS]

Turns out, pretty good.

Hello, Grace.

Hi, James.

Uh, Melon-ie and I
are gonna take the stairs.

[UPBEAT TRUMPET AND PIANO MUSIC]

So, how's work?

It's good.

Good.

Oh, I read about that new dolphin

that you guys have at the...
at the aquarium.

It's a porpoise, actually.

I have always wanted
to swim with a dolphin.

Again, porpoise.

Uh, unfortunately,
it's closed to the public,

but I guess I could make an exception.

For you. [CHUCKLES]

Really?

After everything I've done to you?

[CHUCKLES] Ah, let's look at it this way.

You can't do anything worse.

[LAUGHS]

Will, brunch! Hurry up!

I can't let my blood alcohol
level get too low,

or I'll realize my friends are boring.

Just one more emergency drill.

- Jack, are you timing me?
- On it.

On your mark, get set...

[MIMICS FIRING GUN] Whatever.

Okay, this time it's an earthquake.

Rare in Manhattan, but not impossible.

Jack, hold it like it's a baby,

not like it's an adult man
who likes to dress like a baby.

Aww, your daddy lashes out
so he doesn't have

to work on himself. Yes, he does.

Just wrap this securely,
grab some formula,

and then get you safely out
of the building.

[THUDS]

And the fruit is now a vegetable.

That's good baby.

How am I ever gonna get through this?

There's... there's so many
terrible things out there

I have to protect this baby from.

How does any parent sleep at night?

Alcohol and sleeping pills.

But... and this is important...

you have to take them together.

Okay, dear.

I knew this was coming.

We have got to get you to relax.

I can read it all over your face

because your stress pimples
are like Braille.

No... more...

Dairy. Yeah, come on.

Let's go.

I know just the place. Come on.

Okay, fine.

Can't wait to see what filthy,

depraved hellhole you're taking me to.

As long as there's a drag queen

calling out bingo numbers, I'm happy.

So, what?

This turns into a disco later,

or do we have to pass through the back

to get to the real club?

No, this is it. This is my church.

What?

You go to church?

Every Sunday morning.

Hemsworth, Chalamet, Gyllenhaal, Jonas.

You always tell me you're spending time

with your mom on Sunday mornings.

Yeah, this is where we go,

and we're always an hour late

because she can't find the right hat.

It's a church,
not the Kentucky Derby, Judith.

Well, I don't know why
you brought me here,

but I have to tinkle.

Time to turn the wine into water.

[WIND BLOWING]

Well, those prayers
ain't getting answered.

[PIANO MUSIC]

♪ ♪

Wow, look at those big flippers.

Aww, that's the first time
a man's said that to me

when I was actually wearing flippers.

- Well, you look adorable.
- [GIGGLES]

You know, I was thinking,

maybe we could grab dinner later?

I mean, if you're interested
in giving us another try.

Uh, well, the short answer
is I can't believe

how forgiving you are.
Maybe too forgiving.

But then again,
someone who could forgive my mistakes

might be the quality that
I need most in a man,

so, yes, I would love
to give us another try.

That was the short answer?

Look, I'm gonna go get my gear on

and then you can meet Nook-Nook.

- [LAUGHS]
- But technically,

you're not supposed to be in here,

so please do me a favor and do not cross

that yellow line until I get back.

- [DOOR BEEPS]
- Yes, sir.

[WATER SPLASHING]

- Oh, there you are!
- [NOOK-NOOK CLICKING]

[CLICKING CONTINUES]

Hi!

Look at that smile.

I'm gonna take a picture with you.

- Yes, I am.
- [NOOK-NOOK CHIRPING]

Okay.

Oh, no, that's not good.

- [NOOK-NOOK CLICKING]
- It's... it's... it's me.

It's not you. You're good.

Great skin.

Now smile. [SHOUTS]

[SPLASHING]

[HUMMING]

[ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING]

[MIMICS SINGING IN LATIN]

♪ ♪

Oh!

Huh. No toilet paper.

Oh, hold on. No toilet.

Okay, looks like we're going
all third world

up in this thing.

Oh, my God! I'm petting a dolphin!

[GASPS] Oh, you like that?

Am I gonna tickle your belly?

Huh? Is that your belly button?

- [LAUGHS]
- [NOOK-NOOK SQUEALS]

Wow, that's a big belly button.

Wow, you are really,
really liking that, aren't you?

[NOOK-NOOK SQUEALS]

Oh.

That wasn't your belly button.

[PIANO MUSIC]

Oh, hey, buddy.

You got any toilet paper in your stall?

No.

How about two fives for a ten?

This is a confessional.

If you're looking for the bathroom...

No, I'm good.

I can put the cork back in
till it's time to party.

So, what goes on in here?

People come here
to be absolved of their sins.

Ooh, I wanna play.

Then start by saying,

"Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."

- What if I haven't sinned?
- Of course you have.

Everyone sins.

Well, there must be someone
you've wronged,

some commandment you've broken.

Padre, the only thing
a burning bush ever told me

was go get penicillin.

Well maybe then talk about
the times you've lied.

Or, uh, stolen. Or betrayed another.

Okay.

We're gonna be here for a while.

You in the mood for
a little God's baby powder?

[PIANO MUSIC]

I'm still in shock that you come here.

Why? You know I grew up Catholic.

Yeah, but it's a hidden level
I didn't know you had.

It's... it's like discovering
that an inflatable kiddie pool

has a deep end.

'Cause we are in the Lord's house,

I shalt not make a joke
about my deep end.

I like it here.

Reminds me of my favorite movie.

Let me guess: "Sister Act."

No.

"Sister Act 2."

♪ Joyful, joyful Lord we adore thee ♪

♪ God of glory Lord of lords ♪

♪ Ah, ah ♪

By the way,

it's nice to feel like

someone's always
looking out for me, you know?

I just find it hard to believe

in something you can't see.

I mean, what... what if I said
there was a... a magic rabbit

that controlled the universe?
You'd say, "Prove it."

I'd say, "I can't." End of discussion.

[GROANS] Look.

- Have you ever seen "NCIS?"
- No.

Has anyone you know ever seen it?

No.

But you still believe it exists.

Will, God is "NCIS."

What about all the bad stuff
that's been done

"in the name of the church"
to people like you and me?

There's maybe three references
in there to homosexuality

and, like, 12 about not eating shellfish,

but you don't see religious
bigots picketing Red Lobster.

So they pick and choose.

We can pick and choose, too.

It's like that bar we used
to go to on 8th Street

with the bad music
and the watered-down drinks.

Oh, the guys there were so hot, though.

Exactly, so we kept going back,

because despite the issues,

it had something to offer.

So God is "NCIS"
and the Bible is the Rawhide?

You're catching on, my child.

[PIANO MUSIC]

- You ready to meet Nook-Nook?
- You betcha.

[NOOK-NOOK CHIRPING]

You didn't cross the line, did you?

Nope. No lines were crossed.

Wow, she's really excited to meet you.

I, uh, guess I just must have
a way with animals.

Okay, before we get in,
a few precautions.

Because she's mating,

right now Nook-Nook is in
a highly sexualized state.

Yeah, tell me about it.

I mean, she needs
to be handled very carefully.

We can't do anything
to disrupt the process.

Hypothetically,
would it disrupt the process

if she were to, say, pleasure herself?

Well, they don't have hands,
so... but, yeah.

Hypothetically, I mean,

that would seriously upset
her ability to mate,

which would be a tragedy

because she's the last female
of her species.

Have you looked everywhere?

Of course we have.

[CELL PHONE RINGING]

Hello? Oh, okay.

Um, I'll be right there.

That was security.

Some surveillance footage
they want me to see.

- [DOOR BEEPS]
- There are cameras in here?

Oh, yeah. They're all over.

Oh, my God. Hey, no means no.

[NOOK-NOOK SQUEALS]

[EXHALES SHARPLY]

[NOOK-NOOK SQUEAKING]

It's almost like you're having a...

- [NOOK-NOOK SQUEAKS]
- [WATER SPLASHING]

What is wrong with you?!

I've read about people like her.

- It's a fetish.
- It's not a fetish.

Oh, that's right. They think it's love.

Okay, okay, this is not my finest moment.

Mm.

But in my defense,

she came on to me.

You're blaming the fish?

This is the worst thing
you have ever done,

and that's saying a lot.

Is she the one who took a giant Cr...

Yes, Genevieve!

[LAUGHING]

[PIANO MUSIC]

It took three maids
to clean up all that blood.

And two butlers to get rid
of the three maids.

But in the end,
it was like it never happened,

and he got elected President.

And you don't think any
of that is sinful?

What sin? No sin.

You're the sinner. Fake news.

[KNOCKING]

Oh, hold on.

I thought this might take a while,

so I ordered a little snicky-snack.

Smitty?

Hello, Mrs. Walker.

Oh, you're delivering Postmates?

What happened to your job
at the Old King Cole Bar?

It's... it's not a good story.

Hang on to your yarmulke, Rabbi.

Tragedy plus Smitty equals comedy.

[KNOCKS]

Well, I... I didn't know
that they had just waxed

the marble steps outside the bar.

Okay, you can see this one coming,

but you'll enjoy the ride.

The doctors say that I shattered my hips

on the first stair,

but by the time I got
to the bottom of the landing,

well, I was more jigsaw puzzle than man.

Hold on. He's gonna top it.

Well, maybe you noticed that
I was a few inches shorter,

and... and... and that's because
my pelvis is gone.

I... I have no lap
for my great grandchildren

to sit on.

[WHEEZING]

And there it is.

Ah, Smitty.

Five stars.

Don't you think laughing

at another soul's misfortune is sinful?

What? No.

That's our thing
we've been doing for years.

He loves it.

Are you sure about that?

Have you ever asked him?

- No.
- Well then, how can you know?

I guess I can't.

Um, gosh,

if I'd been hurting Smitty
all these years,

that would be a sin.

Oh, I hope I can catch him.

Smitty! Smitty, slow down!

No time to chat, Mrs. Walker.

I gotta be in Brooklyn in 15 minutes.

Oh, uh, listen, Smitty.

I hope you don't mind that
I sometimes let

a giggle or two escape when you tell me

about your adventures.

Oh, not at all. It's nice of you to ask.

Um, truth is,

when those bad things happen to me,

I always think to myself,

"Mrs. Walker's gonna enjoy this."

Well, that's nice to know, Smitty,

but all the same,

when you get back to your apartment,

there's going to be a check to make sure

that you never have to work
for Postmates again.

But I... I love it,

and... and this scooter
is a real panty-dropper.

Thank you, Mrs. Walker.

You're welcome, Smitty.

Oh, and, um, Smitty?

See you in the funny papers.

Wow.

Look at those shiny stairs.

[THUDDING]

You always have to get the last laugh,

don't you, you big ham?

[PIANO MUSIC]

It's funny.

As a kid, I was super religious.

I was an altar boy.

I altered the hem of my frock
to show off my gams.

I like the idea of this father figure

that seemed way more interested in me

than my real dad.

I actually turned to this
for advice, comfort,

and when I started having attractions

and I looked here for help,

I found out I was an abomination,

and this book that had made me
feel less lonely

suddenly made me feel completely alone.

Yeah, I was there, too,

but God is more than just that book.

It's all so confusing to me.

I mean, wanting someone so much

and then being told
I wasn't supposed to want it,

and so many gay guys I knew
just buried those feelings

by getting drunk or high.

Well, Leviticus does say,

"If a man lies with another man,

he should be stoned."

[LAUGHING]

So I'm listening.
What do you get out of this?

Well, I come here, I close my eyes,

and I think about what matters to me

and what I'm grateful for,

and a sense of peace comes over me.

- Sounds nice.
- Try it.

Now?

Okay. What matters to...

Close your eyes.

What matters to me right now
is protecting my child.

And I'm grateful that

I'm bringing this child into the world.

There you go. Doesn't that feel...

The world where the ice caps are melting,

bees are dying,

low-rise jeans are coming back,

not to mention the fact that
when my kid is in college,

I'll be 70,

and if I ever get to meet my grandkids,

I'll probably be a head in a jar.

Okay, okay, okay.

Good first attempt.

I'm sorry, Jack. I...

I actually wish I could have
the faith you have.

Will, you... you're going to be a father.

That's the biggest leap
of faith there is.

That and you buying that box
of supermarket hair dye.

I had a coupon.

And I slept through the timer, all right?

It'll fade. It'll fade.

But, look, the world
is always gonna be filled

with things you can't control.

That's what coming here is for...

to release that
to something outside of you.

Why do you think I'm
so much less stressed out

than you all the time?

I always assumed it was because

I pay for everything

and you have no
responsibilities whatsoever,

but I see your point.

I just don't think I can do

the whole let go and let God thing.

Then...

then let go and let me, hmm?

When it all gets to be too much,

just give me some of that worry
you're holding onto

and let me carry it, huh?

Let me be your church.

Well, I do worship you.

- Thanks, Jack.
- Yeah.

Oh, look.

It's Sodom and Gay Moron.

[THUNDER CLAPPING]

Crap, he knows I'm here.
Let's get out of here.

[KNOCKING]

James, what are you doing here?

Well, naturally, I was fired.

Oh, no.

You'll get another job, right?

With all the aquariums in New York?

No, there's just the one.

I am so, so sorry.

No, I'm sorry, Grace.

I got angry with you, but you were right.

It was just an accident,
so I'm here to say...

Can we try again?

What?

Are you out of your mind?

I slept with your son and your father,

and you forgave me.

I pooped your apartment to death,

and you forgave me.

But now I violated a porpoise,
got you fired,

and ended a species!

And I forgive you.

- [BLOW LANDS]
- [GROANS]

What is wrong with you?

I think I'm falling for you!

Raise your standards, man!

[EXHALES SHARPLY] I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I can't be with someone who

has such terrible taste in women.