Wilfred (2007–…): Season 1, Episode 4 - Walking the Dog - full transcript
Adam and Sarah are taking Wilfred to the beach. At the beach, Adam and Sarah share some quality time together as Wilfred plays in the shallows. Wilfred returns and shakes water all over Adam - bouncing a tennis ball menacingly. Adam and Wilfred are in the water, throwing a tennis ball to each other. They drift further out - and away from the flags.
If I had one regret, it would be
that I didn't have Wilfred
from when he was a little baby.
What, you didn't have Wilfred
from when he was a pup?
No, he was full-grown
when we got him.
You're kidding.
Why?
Oh, I just assumed you had him a lot
longer. Might explain a few things.
Like what?
You know, just because we haven't
had him since he was young,
doesn't mean he's not as lovable
or important.
No, no, no, I'm not saying that.
I'm just saying, well...
his behavioural problems,
quite frankly.
He's out of control, Sarah.
So, what are you saying?
Get rid of him? Kill him?
No! Don't be ridiculous.
I'm not saying that.
I'm just saying it could
turn into a bit of a problem,
if it hasn't already.
You know, I'm...
I sometimes worry that someone's
going to poison him or something.
Those letters are pretty serious.
Oh, it's not my fault
he barks all day.
Why does he do it?
What am I supposed to do?
I work all day.
You know, I can't even stay out
overnight without a drama.
Sometimes I just want my own life.
Oh, hang on. This isn't it.
No, no. Let's see this one.
No, but I... I wanted to show you
the one with the sprinkler.
And this one's got me and Mark on it.
Sarah, so what if you
had a life before me?
Who cares? This is... this is good.
Oh, baby, stop it! Put me down.
Are you sure you don't
want me to turn it off?
No, no, it's fine.
Mark! Hello.
Hey, baby.
Mark's still here, isn't he?
You wanted to see it.
Oh, no, it's not just the tape.
He's everywhere, though, isn't he?
He's in the yard, he's in the house.
I just want to go away for a day
where it's just you, me and Wilfred.
We can clear our heads.
Wilfred can just
run himself ragged.
He probably just needs
the exercise, anyway.
Why don't we do that?
Why don't we take my car
up the coast tomorrow, get up early,
and make a day of it?
Oh. What about your work do?
Oh, don't worry about that.
I can get out of that.
It's just a barbecue.
You said it could be a clincher.
Oh, stuff it. They treat me
like shit there anyway.
No, no, no. This is important.
It'll be fun.
I can't wait, actually.
No, no. This is going to be great.
I love it when you get passionate.
Wind your window down,
please, Adam.
There's fresh air.
All the way up or all the way down.
Sorry about the car.
That's fine. I've forgotten
that my car has no brakes before.
Hundreds of times.
I'm an idiot.
Do you want me to drive?
No. You haven't got a manual licence.
Shit.
What's this cunt looking at?
Oi, Adam. Check out this clown.
What's his story?
It's alright, mate.
He's just looking at you.
Yeah, there's looking at me and then
there's just... smart-eyeing.
Oi.
Oi!
Your head looks like
a half-sucked mango.
You need a good smack in the mouth!
Have a think about it.
What are you looking at, Dilbert?
Keep your eyes on the road.
Oi, you want some of this, do you?
You want some of this?
I'll kill you in front of your kid!
Yeah. Yeah, keep driving.
Wilfred.
Wilfred! Wilfred, that'll do, eh?
Just slow down. Slow down.
Mate, they're just driving. It's
alright. They're just driving, mate.
Yeah, you know, you could back me up
once in a while, Adam.
Well, it's not like she
can just go anywhere.
# We're almost
there, we're almost there
# We're almost there,
we're almost there
# We're almost there,
we're almost there
# We're almost there,
we're almost there
♪ We're almost there... ♪
Don't run away, please.
You OK?
Yeah. Why?
Well, you just seem a bit quiet.
Reflective or something.
Oh, sorry. I didn't mean to be.
It's OK.
I guess I just forgot
how much I love coming here.
Hang on. You've been here before?
Yeah. This is our beach.
But... but you said...
No, no, see,
this is what I'm saying -
I wanted to find a place
that meant 'us'.
This is where Mark
used to go surfing?
No, no, no, it isn't...
this is not what I want. I...
Well, why didn't you tell me?
You were so excited
about coming here.
I was excited about taking you and
Wilfred to the beach, yes, not...
not a fucking memorial service.
I...I didn't mean that. That's...
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry too, sweetie.
I-I don't know. I just get
a bit jealous from time to time.
Well, you shouldn't.
I know I shouldn't.
It's a great spot.
I'm glad we're here.
Oh! Wilfred!
What's with the three-quarter-length
boardies, Adam?
Where are your legs?
Have you got something to hide?
Wilfred, now I'm all wet.
Looking a bit pink
on the face there, Adam.
Jump in the water.
Cool yourself down.
Oh... my shoulder still
feels a bit dislocated.
Oh, shoulder.
Ripper. The old sore shoulder.
Well, I guess that
rules you out, then.
Would you mind throwing
the ball with Wilfred?
Well, yeah, it'll have to be
my left arm, 'cause...
Yeah, OK. Yep.
I'm scared of the deep water.
Grab the ball, Adam.
Mate, we're getting sucked out!
Oh, Adam, you crack me up.
Go and grab your floaties.
I can barely stand, mate.
I think we're caught in a rip.
Might be time to head in.
Fucking...!
This is what I warned
you about, Adam.
You must swim between the flags.
Now, it's all very well
to play bloody tennis balls...
Fucking hell!
But surf safety is not a game.
I'll see you in there.
Good luck, Adam.
Wilfred.
Wilfred!
How many times do we have to
tell you? Swim between the flags!
Yeah, dickhead.
Whoa.
Well, I guess that seals it, then.
We can't go yet.
What are we going to do
with Wilfred?
We'll tie him up.
Come on, you said you wanted a beer.
What happened to that?
I won't have a beer with someone
who treats me like a leper.
I don't treat you like a leper.
You do! You act like
you're all embarrassed of me.
You didn't embarrass me.
You embarrassed yourself.
I actually thought it was funny.
I know you did. I know you did.
And now you're disowning me.
You won't even walk with me, Sarah!
Get over it!
You're still alive, aren't you?
Oh, that's it. I've had it.
Maybe you'd be happy
if I was still out there.
- Where did that come from?
- Oi!
Are you alright, darling?
Yes.
Darling?
She said yes, mate, OK?
Was I talking to you?
Yeah, I'm fine. My boyfriend's
just breaking up with me.
I'm not breaking up with you.
What are you going out with him for?
Hey, aren't you Sarah?
Yeah.
Mark's old girlfriend?
Yeah, that's right.
Commiserations.
Mark was a great man.
Thanks.
Yeah, commiserations, man.
Mark was rad.
Can we just forget
this day ever happened,
and, you know, just
get in the car, go home?
Come on.
You nearly drowned.
Come on, mate.
What the fuck?
Come here, babe.
There you go. That's alright.
Cheers.
Fuck off.
That's OK.
The other day, we were watching the
telly, and his ears just pricked up.
Where is he?
What?
Where the fuck is he?
Fuck. How long have we been in here?
Wilfred, come here, baby.
Wilfred!
Wilfred!
Fuck! What have I done?
It's not your fault, Sarah.
We were only in there
for 20 minutes. Wilfred!
Wilfred!
He won't have gone far.
He's probably already
made his way back home.
But that's miles away.
Well, stranger things have happened.
Can't you just send out word to
the patrol cars to look out for him?
Not our job, mate.
You need to contact the RSPCA.
We've already called them.
Well, I don't know
what to say to you.
You don't seem overly
concerned, mate.
I mean, you know, we're not
from here. It's getting dark.
We're very busy, mate.
Call the RSPCA again.
Yeah.
Surely it's not too much trouble,
you know, just to get on the radio.
We're very busy, sir.
Yeah, well,
thanks for nothing, mate.
It's not his fault, Adam.
Don't be a smart-arse.
What?
Bit of Alsatian, bit of labrador.
Grey.
Angry.
Wilfred. Yeah.
OK. Yeah, 'bye.
Wilfred!
Wilfred!
Where are you, mate?
Wilfred!
Come on, boy.
Wilfred!
Wilfred!
Sarah, I...
I'm sorry I suggested
going to the beach at all.
You know, I thought taking him away
would be just what he needed
to feel a bit more happy and secure.
I thought that, you know,
you needed the break as well.
You were saying you didn't have a
life because Wilfred's so demanding.
Yeah, well, I don't have
to worry about that now, do I?
Do you want me to go?
Oh, yeah, that's just what I want -
to be left alone
in this cold friggin' house.
I don't know where
we go from here, Adam.
Look at him go!
I know. He's actually
starting to freak me out.
Look out!
Oh, my God!
Sarah.
Puppy!
Where was he?
How are you, dude?
Good, mate. Good.
He was chasing a Vespa.
Dragging a bloody table
down the road.
Steve reckoned it was Mark's dog.
I haven't seen him
this happy in ages.
Not since Mark and I were together.
Are you the dude that nearly
drowned at the beach today?
Yes.
That was funny, man.
Thank you.
Oh, my sweet little angel.
Mummy will never leave you again.
Will she?
Can you hear that?
Hear what?
Fuck me, that's loud.
What, the telly? Too loud?
No, it's whistling.
Look, what, you can't hear that?
The kettle?
Are you... are you telling me
you seriously cannot hear
that whistling noise?
Well, there's certain
high-pitched sounds I can't hear.
I mean, our ears aren't
as highly tuned as yours.
Yeah, I know that.
I just thought even you might have
been able to hear that one.
Jesus, someone's
ripping into something.
They're trying to send me
over the edge. Shut up!
Behaviourism.
The belief that animals
are conditioned
into certain types of behaviour.
It's like nature versus nurture.
That's nurture.
For instance,
if I was to ring a bell
every time you're about to get fed,
then you would soon salivate
at the sound of the bell alone.
No, that's because I'm hungry.
That's not nurture.
Have you heard of Pavlov?
Ivan Pavlov?
Mmm...
He did a lot of pioneering research
into the physiology of the heart,
the nervous system,
the digestive system.
Yeah, well, he was
the first person to demonstrate
conditioned and unconditioned
reflexes in dogs.
I've heard of pavlova.
No, that... that is bullshit.
That is just bullshit.
Like, say, it's like me
when I'm, say, eating out
the arse of a dead possum.
Right?
I'm eating out his guts
through his arse -
like, I get my teeth right in there,
get into it -
but no-one taught me that.
I just did it one day.
It happened.
Been doing it ever since.
No, again, I just... just don't...
don't see why,
when I'm not even rubbing it,
why I'm not allowed to just,
you know, chill out.
Lie on the rug and that.
But you don't just
lie on the rug and that.
You rub your sometimes itchy arse
on Sarah's good rug.
And that upsets her.
She finds that upsetting, Wilfred.
Yeah... That is not erotica.
OK, you define 'erotica'.
OK, OK.
Um...
OK, erotica is...
Yes?
What sometimes feels good...
When we?
When... we...
When we rub our...
bottoms...
..on the...
carpet.
Exactly.
G'day. My name's Dr Jack Underwood.
Yeah, I know who you are.
Seems to recognise me.
Holy guacamole.
I'm sorry for going ahead with this
against your wishes.
How is it in there?
It's pretty damp.
It's cruel, it's illegal
and it's abusing an animal,
and that is where I have to step in.
They're just talking.
And touching.
that I didn't have Wilfred
from when he was a little baby.
What, you didn't have Wilfred
from when he was a pup?
No, he was full-grown
when we got him.
You're kidding.
Why?
Oh, I just assumed you had him a lot
longer. Might explain a few things.
Like what?
You know, just because we haven't
had him since he was young,
doesn't mean he's not as lovable
or important.
No, no, no, I'm not saying that.
I'm just saying, well...
his behavioural problems,
quite frankly.
He's out of control, Sarah.
So, what are you saying?
Get rid of him? Kill him?
No! Don't be ridiculous.
I'm not saying that.
I'm just saying it could
turn into a bit of a problem,
if it hasn't already.
You know, I'm...
I sometimes worry that someone's
going to poison him or something.
Those letters are pretty serious.
Oh, it's not my fault
he barks all day.
Why does he do it?
What am I supposed to do?
I work all day.
You know, I can't even stay out
overnight without a drama.
Sometimes I just want my own life.
Oh, hang on. This isn't it.
No, no. Let's see this one.
No, but I... I wanted to show you
the one with the sprinkler.
And this one's got me and Mark on it.
Sarah, so what if you
had a life before me?
Who cares? This is... this is good.
Oh, baby, stop it! Put me down.
Are you sure you don't
want me to turn it off?
No, no, it's fine.
Mark! Hello.
Hey, baby.
Mark's still here, isn't he?
You wanted to see it.
Oh, no, it's not just the tape.
He's everywhere, though, isn't he?
He's in the yard, he's in the house.
I just want to go away for a day
where it's just you, me and Wilfred.
We can clear our heads.
Wilfred can just
run himself ragged.
He probably just needs
the exercise, anyway.
Why don't we do that?
Why don't we take my car
up the coast tomorrow, get up early,
and make a day of it?
Oh. What about your work do?
Oh, don't worry about that.
I can get out of that.
It's just a barbecue.
You said it could be a clincher.
Oh, stuff it. They treat me
like shit there anyway.
No, no, no. This is important.
It'll be fun.
I can't wait, actually.
No, no. This is going to be great.
I love it when you get passionate.
Wind your window down,
please, Adam.
There's fresh air.
All the way up or all the way down.
Sorry about the car.
That's fine. I've forgotten
that my car has no brakes before.
Hundreds of times.
I'm an idiot.
Do you want me to drive?
No. You haven't got a manual licence.
Shit.
What's this cunt looking at?
Oi, Adam. Check out this clown.
What's his story?
It's alright, mate.
He's just looking at you.
Yeah, there's looking at me and then
there's just... smart-eyeing.
Oi.
Oi!
Your head looks like
a half-sucked mango.
You need a good smack in the mouth!
Have a think about it.
What are you looking at, Dilbert?
Keep your eyes on the road.
Oi, you want some of this, do you?
You want some of this?
I'll kill you in front of your kid!
Yeah. Yeah, keep driving.
Wilfred.
Wilfred! Wilfred, that'll do, eh?
Just slow down. Slow down.
Mate, they're just driving. It's
alright. They're just driving, mate.
Yeah, you know, you could back me up
once in a while, Adam.
Well, it's not like she
can just go anywhere.
# We're almost
there, we're almost there
# We're almost there,
we're almost there
# We're almost there,
we're almost there
# We're almost there,
we're almost there
♪ We're almost there... ♪
Don't run away, please.
You OK?
Yeah. Why?
Well, you just seem a bit quiet.
Reflective or something.
Oh, sorry. I didn't mean to be.
It's OK.
I guess I just forgot
how much I love coming here.
Hang on. You've been here before?
Yeah. This is our beach.
But... but you said...
No, no, see,
this is what I'm saying -
I wanted to find a place
that meant 'us'.
This is where Mark
used to go surfing?
No, no, no, it isn't...
this is not what I want. I...
Well, why didn't you tell me?
You were so excited
about coming here.
I was excited about taking you and
Wilfred to the beach, yes, not...
not a fucking memorial service.
I...I didn't mean that. That's...
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry too, sweetie.
I-I don't know. I just get
a bit jealous from time to time.
Well, you shouldn't.
I know I shouldn't.
It's a great spot.
I'm glad we're here.
Oh! Wilfred!
What's with the three-quarter-length
boardies, Adam?
Where are your legs?
Have you got something to hide?
Wilfred, now I'm all wet.
Looking a bit pink
on the face there, Adam.
Jump in the water.
Cool yourself down.
Oh... my shoulder still
feels a bit dislocated.
Oh, shoulder.
Ripper. The old sore shoulder.
Well, I guess that
rules you out, then.
Would you mind throwing
the ball with Wilfred?
Well, yeah, it'll have to be
my left arm, 'cause...
Yeah, OK. Yep.
I'm scared of the deep water.
Grab the ball, Adam.
Mate, we're getting sucked out!
Oh, Adam, you crack me up.
Go and grab your floaties.
I can barely stand, mate.
I think we're caught in a rip.
Might be time to head in.
Fucking...!
This is what I warned
you about, Adam.
You must swim between the flags.
Now, it's all very well
to play bloody tennis balls...
Fucking hell!
But surf safety is not a game.
I'll see you in there.
Good luck, Adam.
Wilfred.
Wilfred!
How many times do we have to
tell you? Swim between the flags!
Yeah, dickhead.
Whoa.
Well, I guess that seals it, then.
We can't go yet.
What are we going to do
with Wilfred?
We'll tie him up.
Come on, you said you wanted a beer.
What happened to that?
I won't have a beer with someone
who treats me like a leper.
I don't treat you like a leper.
You do! You act like
you're all embarrassed of me.
You didn't embarrass me.
You embarrassed yourself.
I actually thought it was funny.
I know you did. I know you did.
And now you're disowning me.
You won't even walk with me, Sarah!
Get over it!
You're still alive, aren't you?
Oh, that's it. I've had it.
Maybe you'd be happy
if I was still out there.
- Where did that come from?
- Oi!
Are you alright, darling?
Yes.
Darling?
She said yes, mate, OK?
Was I talking to you?
Yeah, I'm fine. My boyfriend's
just breaking up with me.
I'm not breaking up with you.
What are you going out with him for?
Hey, aren't you Sarah?
Yeah.
Mark's old girlfriend?
Yeah, that's right.
Commiserations.
Mark was a great man.
Thanks.
Yeah, commiserations, man.
Mark was rad.
Can we just forget
this day ever happened,
and, you know, just
get in the car, go home?
Come on.
You nearly drowned.
Come on, mate.
What the fuck?
Come here, babe.
There you go. That's alright.
Cheers.
Fuck off.
That's OK.
The other day, we were watching the
telly, and his ears just pricked up.
Where is he?
What?
Where the fuck is he?
Fuck. How long have we been in here?
Wilfred, come here, baby.
Wilfred!
Wilfred!
Fuck! What have I done?
It's not your fault, Sarah.
We were only in there
for 20 minutes. Wilfred!
Wilfred!
He won't have gone far.
He's probably already
made his way back home.
But that's miles away.
Well, stranger things have happened.
Can't you just send out word to
the patrol cars to look out for him?
Not our job, mate.
You need to contact the RSPCA.
We've already called them.
Well, I don't know
what to say to you.
You don't seem overly
concerned, mate.
I mean, you know, we're not
from here. It's getting dark.
We're very busy, mate.
Call the RSPCA again.
Yeah.
Surely it's not too much trouble,
you know, just to get on the radio.
We're very busy, sir.
Yeah, well,
thanks for nothing, mate.
It's not his fault, Adam.
Don't be a smart-arse.
What?
Bit of Alsatian, bit of labrador.
Grey.
Angry.
Wilfred. Yeah.
OK. Yeah, 'bye.
Wilfred!
Wilfred!
Where are you, mate?
Wilfred!
Come on, boy.
Wilfred!
Wilfred!
Sarah, I...
I'm sorry I suggested
going to the beach at all.
You know, I thought taking him away
would be just what he needed
to feel a bit more happy and secure.
I thought that, you know,
you needed the break as well.
You were saying you didn't have a
life because Wilfred's so demanding.
Yeah, well, I don't have
to worry about that now, do I?
Do you want me to go?
Oh, yeah, that's just what I want -
to be left alone
in this cold friggin' house.
I don't know where
we go from here, Adam.
Look at him go!
I know. He's actually
starting to freak me out.
Look out!
Oh, my God!
Sarah.
Puppy!
Where was he?
How are you, dude?
Good, mate. Good.
He was chasing a Vespa.
Dragging a bloody table
down the road.
Steve reckoned it was Mark's dog.
I haven't seen him
this happy in ages.
Not since Mark and I were together.
Are you the dude that nearly
drowned at the beach today?
Yes.
That was funny, man.
Thank you.
Oh, my sweet little angel.
Mummy will never leave you again.
Will she?
Can you hear that?
Hear what?
Fuck me, that's loud.
What, the telly? Too loud?
No, it's whistling.
Look, what, you can't hear that?
The kettle?
Are you... are you telling me
you seriously cannot hear
that whistling noise?
Well, there's certain
high-pitched sounds I can't hear.
I mean, our ears aren't
as highly tuned as yours.
Yeah, I know that.
I just thought even you might have
been able to hear that one.
Jesus, someone's
ripping into something.
They're trying to send me
over the edge. Shut up!
Behaviourism.
The belief that animals
are conditioned
into certain types of behaviour.
It's like nature versus nurture.
That's nurture.
For instance,
if I was to ring a bell
every time you're about to get fed,
then you would soon salivate
at the sound of the bell alone.
No, that's because I'm hungry.
That's not nurture.
Have you heard of Pavlov?
Ivan Pavlov?
Mmm...
He did a lot of pioneering research
into the physiology of the heart,
the nervous system,
the digestive system.
Yeah, well, he was
the first person to demonstrate
conditioned and unconditioned
reflexes in dogs.
I've heard of pavlova.
No, that... that is bullshit.
That is just bullshit.
Like, say, it's like me
when I'm, say, eating out
the arse of a dead possum.
Right?
I'm eating out his guts
through his arse -
like, I get my teeth right in there,
get into it -
but no-one taught me that.
I just did it one day.
It happened.
Been doing it ever since.
No, again, I just... just don't...
don't see why,
when I'm not even rubbing it,
why I'm not allowed to just,
you know, chill out.
Lie on the rug and that.
But you don't just
lie on the rug and that.
You rub your sometimes itchy arse
on Sarah's good rug.
And that upsets her.
She finds that upsetting, Wilfred.
Yeah... That is not erotica.
OK, you define 'erotica'.
OK, OK.
Um...
OK, erotica is...
Yes?
What sometimes feels good...
When we?
When... we...
When we rub our...
bottoms...
..on the...
carpet.
Exactly.
G'day. My name's Dr Jack Underwood.
Yeah, I know who you are.
Seems to recognise me.
Holy guacamole.
I'm sorry for going ahead with this
against your wishes.
How is it in there?
It's pretty damp.
It's cruel, it's illegal
and it's abusing an animal,
and that is where I have to step in.
They're just talking.
And touching.