Wilfred (2007–…): Season 1, Episode 3 - Dogs of War - full transcript

No, no. I completely understand.
Are you sure?

Yeah, I'm exactly the same.

Like, you know, only a few years ago

I'd take girls I was dating
back to my place

and show them the aviary

and if they weren't blown away then
that was the end of the relationship.

Wow. Right there and then?
Mm-hm.

What, you'd say, "I'm sorry.
"You don't like my aviary.

"It's over"?

No, I wouldn't spell it out.

It'd just be like
a little secret test.



And if they didn't like it, then,
you know, I'd never call them again.

And they never called me, so...

suited everyone, I guess.

I hope I would've liked your aviary.
You would've loved my aviary.

Really?
Yeah, I know you. Trust...

Hello, little man!

He wants to play with the ball.
Do you mind, Adam?

I thought we were having a nice chat.
Oh...

OK, OK, we'll play with the ball.

Having fun, Adam?
Rather be in there with Sarah.

Yeah, so would I.
I can't. You know why?

Why?
'Cause you're fuckin' in there.

You're always in there.

Don't get any alone time
with Sarah anymore.



If you want alone time with Sarah,
just tell me.

I'll find something else to do.
Wouldn't wanna do that.

Wouldn't wanna get between you
and Sarah. Wouldn't wanna do that.

Oh, Adam. Whoops.

Sorry, I tried to do
a Punter Ponting.

You know you can't do it,
Wilfred, so why do you try?

The only failure in life
is the failure to try.

The Punter Ponting!

Well, I'm not getting it, mate.
It's the only ball, mate.

Then it's the end of the game.

Oi. If I don't get regular exercise,
I will die, and then what happens?

Sarah will be devastated.

You should've thought of that
before you went the scoop, mate.

If you wanna underestimate
the place I hold in Sarah's heart,

as you were.

Wilfred, why'd you do that?

You'll be right, Adam.

What do you think they did
before stepladders?

You know I'm missing
a toe on my left foot.

You know I've got balance issues.
You know that.

That's right. You fell off the roof.

Forgot about that. I did forget that.

Ah...

Hurry up.
Hang on. Fell on something.

One of Mark's old ones.

Still got batteries.

Arggh!
Sorry!

Jesus!
Sorry, mate. I didn't...

Why the fuck did you stand
on me fucking tail?

I didn't see it!
You naughty boy!

Why was your tail there
in the first place?

I dunno where me tail is
all the time!

Sometimes I don't know I've got one!
Sorry, mate.

Fuck!
I stepped on Wilfred's tail.

Can you please be more careful?
I didn't see it.

I had my eyes closed 'cause of
the excruciating pain in my foot.

Whatever. Just look out for him, OK?
OK.

Fuckin' hurts.

You're always getting into these
little situations with my dog.

I'm sorry.

Can you just be aware of
the space around you a bit more?

Yeah, OK.

What's that?

Urine.

Think you could aim
a bit better next time?

I do.

I always lift the seat.

I'm... I'm careful to the point
of being paranoid.

Well, be a little more paranoid.

Look, I'm sorry,
but I'm 99% sure this wasn't me.

Certainly wasn't me.

Don't even start
with that Wilfred shit.

Well, think about it. It's not...

I hope this thing isn't
turning into a situation.

I'm sorry.
I'll aim better next time.

Let me clean it up.
No, no. I'll clean it up.

Just go away so I can
go to the toilet, please.

Maybe we should do a DNA swab.

What?
What?

Oi.

Sarah's aim is to keep
that toilet clean.

Your aim will help.

Why don't you do the wee-wees
out in the backyard?

Bigger space.
Less margin for error.

What have I done
to offend you, Wilfred?

You don't offend me. Don't even
think about you most of the time.

You off, are you?
Yeah.

Hey, about the pissing on the floor.
I just want to...

Oh, you didn't know you did it.

You would've cleaned up
after yourself.

It happens. You're a boy.

OK, uh, I'll cook dinner tonight,
if you like. What do you want?

Pesto? Can you do your pesto?
Yeah, yeah, sure, sure.

Oh, can you make sure
Wilfred's water bowl's full?

He gets dehydrated.
Right, OK.

Don't I get a kiss?
Yeah.

So, things seem to be going great
with Sarah, then.

Go away, Wilfred.

Yeah, might go and get
a drink of water.

Don't wanna get dehydrated.

Tsk. Oh, bubby.

What happened?

He weed on his mat when he was
asleep and now he's embarrassed.

Oh. A lot of inappropriate
weeing going on.

That's what happens when you
live with men. They piss everywhere.

Can you go in there?

No, no, I'm sure you're doing
a great job.

No, he's not listening to me.

Can you just have
a man-to-man with him?

Say whatever guys say to each other
in these situations.

But he hates me.

He's a dog, Adam.

Stop being so paranoid
and talk to him, will you?

I'm sorry, but... can you just
spend some time with him?

I'll make the fucken pesto.

It's open.

You OK, Wilfred?

Tidy work.

Ta.

I had heard of the trick but I just
thought it was an old mythological.

Well, no, it's true. You just
gotta make sure the water's warm.

Yeah.

There's a nasty streak in you, Adam.

You wouldn't know it
to look at you, but it's there.

Only when provoked.

So it's tit for tot, is it?

Well, you started it, mate.

You're a fucken unit.

A unit? You're the one trying to
sabotage my relationship with Sarah.

And who'd believe that?

Look, Wilfred,
I could be good for you

if you'd just stop tormenting me
for a second and give me a chance.

Don't wanna.
Why?

Don't like you.
Why?

Dunno. I'll tell you
when I will like you.

When's that?

When you move out.

If I see you down the street,
won't be able to get enough of you.

Be all over you like a rash.
Until that time, it's war.

And what if I retaliate?

Oh, do as you like, Adam.

As long as you don't hurt me.

That'd be cruelty to animals,
wouldn't it?

It's OK for you to hurt me?

What do you think I'm gonna do?
Bite you?

No, that'd be
the easy way out, Adam.

So that's that, isn't it?

Unit.

Bugger off, Wilfred.

Did you hear what I just said?
Yeah.

You're a unit then.

OK, guys, I'm going.

You think you'll be alright
without me?

Yeah, don't worry about us.
We'll be OK.

Just try to be friends
and wee in the proper places.

Both of you, OK?
OK.

'Bye. 'Bye, bubby.

Mark and Sarah's dildo years.
Ah, they were great days.

Were they?

So much happiness in the house.

That's great, Wilfred.

Do you think you and Sarah
might go down that path?

No, I'm not really interested
in that kind of shit.

It doesn't really appeal to me.

Hmm... don't know how you're gonna
break the news to Sarah.

Why, is that something
she's pretty keen on, is it?

Put it this way -
I don't wanna be around

when you tell her you're not really
interested in that kind of shit.

I wanna be a million miles away.

That'll be the postie.
Hurry up. There might be a letter.

And tell that cunt
I want a word with him too.

I do want to finish
this conversation...

Get the mail.

Wilfred!

Where are you, mate?

Wilfred?

They're thinking of putting me on
full-time, which is good.

I thought you were happy
with the casual though?

I was, but... you know,
full-time means more money.

Mmm. Right.
It's good to get out of the house.

Where's Wilfred?
Oh, he's around here somewhere.

Hey, um, I was just wondering...
do you have a stance on sex toys?

What?
Dildos and stuff.

I was just wondering, you know,

if you had an opinion
on those things.

I've just got home from work, Adam.

Yeah.

Not really in the mood
to talk dildos.

Nah, of course.

Yeah.

Wilfred!

When did you last see him?
Can't remember exactly...

Can't remember?
No, no. Couple of hours ago.

I don't know. Been doing stuff
on the computer, so...

OK. Wilfred!

Bit of labrador, bit of alsation.

Grey, angry.

Wilfred.

Sorry, um... that's the door.

Can I just get straight back to you?
I'll just get it.

Is this your dog?

Where did you find him?

Oh, I was in Hawthorn.
He just come right up to me.

He's a pretty friendly dog.

Oh, he's a very naughty boy!

Aren't you a naughty boy?

Did you take yourself
for a walk?

Thank you so much.
Oh, that's fine.

Is this your dog?

Thanks.

Oh!

Is this your dog?

Thank you so much.

Oh!

Is this your dog?

Thanks so much.

Come on.

Oh!

Adam.

What?

He's a beauty, isn't he?

Fuck's sake.

Yeah. Another one
from the collection.

Bendy one's my favourite.

Same size,
just with a sharp kink in it.

Can't find him anywhere.

Just some counselling. Yeah.

Well, originally I was thinking
of just coming in for a one-off,

but now I think maybe
I could go quite a few sessions.

No, no, no, it's several things.
Several things.

But one, um... main thing.

Yeah. Just need to speak
to a trained professional.

Tuesday's good. Yeah, OK.

Great. 'Bye.

You're losing, Adam.

I'd leave now if I was you.

Do it in the dead of night,
retain some dignity.

Adam, dinner's ready!

Wow, looks beautiful.

Yours is the one on the left.
The biggest serve.

I'm just gonna wash my hands.
OK.

This is good. I'm ravenous.

Yeah, um...

just following that one...
the dildo... conversaton.

You still banging on about that?

Oh, well, the reason I bring it up
is Wilfred has been,

like, digging them up
all over the place, so...

Has he really? Naughty boy.

I figure you and Mark
were pretty into them... were you?

Mmm. But you and I don't need to.

We don't have
that kind of relationship.

How so?

It's more... innocent.

What, like, so, with Mark you're
an animal and with me... you're what?

A princess?

A princess. Yeah.

You treat me like a princess.
I love it.

I'm gonna take the Stable Table,
eat my tea in the big boys' room.

Can I have one of your chops?
I'm still hungry.

Sure.

Hurry up and finish them
or I'll eat them all.

Adam, I don't feel well.

Shit...

Code brown
to ward 12, please...

So you don't know what did it?

There's a lot of weird bugs
out there. Just keep her fluids up.

She should be right
to go home in a few hours.

OK, thanks.

Are you OK?
Yeah, I'm feeling a bit better.

Keeping it in, at least.

She must have had a dodgy chop.
Thanks for looking after me.

Oh, it's a pleasure.

Look after you?
Nearly took care of us both.

Wilfred's been on his best behaviour.

Oh...
..you boodiful widdle boy.

Mummy went to 'hoshpital',
didn't she?

Yeah, 'cause Daddy gave her
the old mickey-flip.

Date-rape drug.
He's trying to date ya.

That's not true.
What?

It's so good to have
my two men by my side

and getting on so well.

Sometimes these things
can bring you together.

Wouldn't count on it.

Fuck up, mate.

Adam, are you OK?

Yeah. Yeah, just unstressing,
that's all.

It's just such a relief
to know you're OK.

Oh, take more
than a dodgy chop to get me.

Come here so I can give you a kiss.

And, um, if you play
your cards right,

maybe we could go shopping
for a little toy.

We don't need to if you're not ready.

Oh, no, I'm ready.
Are you? OK. I think I am too.

I'm feeling 'nausei'.

Have you ever used one before?
No. No, I haven't.

Well... got a lot
to teach you, then, haven't I?

Guess so.

I've been wanting to lose
some of my inhibitions.

Now is as good a time as any.

That is so sexy.

You know, a lot of guys are
intimidated by the initial... pain,

but you'll get used to it.

Let's see if you can get
as good as you give.

What?

My nose is a very exquisite...

exquisite and sensitive organ.

I can detect with that nose...
worlds of fragrances,

smells and what have you,

that I cannot even possibly
begin to share with you.

And I am currently smelling
a world of human shit.

Let me make something clear to you.

I've recently showered, right?

And I haven't been to the
toilet since that shower.

Yep.
OK?

Yep.

So, um... I think that
negates your point.

It doesn't deodorise down.

There are such things
in this world as particles.

Particles of shit that are so small

that you can't possibly detect them
with your naked eyes.

And... I'll put it to you that
there are particles of human shit

lingering in the fibre
of your underpants.

I don't think there's
any particles, mate.

Phoo... Mate, I'm telling you...
there are particles.

And they are lingering.

What are your...
What are your shits...

What are they looking like...
at the moment?

I don't... I don't look at my shits!
What?

I don't turn around
and look at my shits!

Having shat, I don't turn around
and look at my shits.

Mate, see, you...
you are missing out on life.

No, actually, Wilfred,
I'm not missing out on life.

I've got quite a full life.

See... with me,
I'll do a poo in the morning, right,

I'll look at it...
if it's a beauty, solid,

I...the... the image of it,
the smell of it,

will revisit me several times
throughout the day.

That's wonderful...

And you don't...
you don't experience that.

No.
No, you're missing out on life.

Wind your window down, please, Adam.
There's fresh air.

All the way up, or all the way down.

No, see, this is what I was saying.

I wanted to find a place
that meant 'us'.

What are you with him for?

I think I'm caught in a rip!

Good luck, Adam.

Wilfred!