Wilfred (2007–…): Season 1, Episode 5 - The Dog Whisperer - full transcript

I think the hard stuff's
been good for us.

Mmm, yeah.

It's like the... the arguments
and confrontations

have brought us closer together.

Helped us respect each other more.

Oh, most definitely.

Now that's taken care of,

maybe Sarah and I can
get down to the process

of finally getting
to know each other.

Get the honeymoon period
we never had.

Yep.



That'd be nice.
Yeah.

Wilfred, what are you...?

What?
What are you doing over there, mate?

What?
Wilfred?

What?

Mate, you're not pissing over
the carpet, are you, mate?

Cry for help, mate.

This is a bad idea.
Let's just see.

So when it come to cut,
I say 'cut', not you, alright?

He's shorter than what I imagined.

I'm sure if you saw him up close
you'd get a better idea of him.

I'm not gonna see him up close.
What do you mean?

I'm not having anything
to do with this.

But you're an important
part of the process, Sarah.



You're his owner.

OK, Adam, I understand.

I'm a bad owner.

Thanks for pointing that out to me
on national television.

Why not just put me on
'Jerry-fucking-Springer'?

Hey, hang on. I'm sure this happens
to heaps of dog owners, Sarah.

I mean, how else do you think
they get enough segments

to fill their show each week?

Well, today we're visiting
Adam and Sarah,

who are having trouble with
their poor old pooch, Wilfred.

Adam writes to say that Wilfred
constantly sprays, digs and frets

if he can't sleep on the bed.

Well, it seems like man's best mate
is going through a rough old time.

And that is what we're here for,
so let's go inside.

And that... Cut. And then we move.

Come this way.

Move with me when I'm walking off.

Sarah.

Here he is.

You must be Adam.
Yeah, that's right.

Yeah, nice of you to get
all dressed up for us, mate.

Oh, you caught me
a bit by surprise, actually.

A bit by surprise?
Yeah.

Well, I hope we didn't wake you up.
No, no, no.

Shall we go in and meet Wilfred?
Yep.

Cut.

Sorry, we're not getting any audio.

No, but seriously, mate, you could
have worn some decent clobber.

You know, have
a bit of self-respect.

I thought you weren't
coming till 10:00.

Didn't Janice ring you?

Oh, my mobile's on vibrate, so...

Well, that's the way it goes

in the rough-and-tumble
world of vet TV.

So where is he?

I think he's outside at the moment.
OK, we'll leave him there for now.

Where's he been spraying?

All over. Uh, but this is
the worst one, just over here.

Whoo-hoo-hoo!
Alright, get the camera on this.

Whoo-hoo-hoo.

Well, things are all
a bit crazy here

at Adam and Sarah's at the moment.

Not the ideal environment for
a dog under emotional duress.

Now, has Wilfred been house-trained?
Yes.

I wasn't around when it happened

but I believe he has
been house-trained, yes.

Yeah, see, when a dog sprays
after he's been house-trained,

then you know that he's trying
to make some sort of a stand.

Now, the first thing
that you've got to do, Adam,

is to clean the whole area
with an enzymatic cleaner,

otherwise he's going to be spraying
there long after I fix his head.

Once a toilet, always a toilet.

Alright, let's go
and meet our little mate.

OK.

Wilfred!

He normally comes.

Wilfred?

What the fuck? Who the fuck's...?

What's all the fuckin' machinery?
What's with the machinery?

Alright, boys, keep very still here.

G'day.

My name is Dr Jack Underwood.

Yeah, I know who you are.

Seems to recognise me.

I watch the show when Adam lets me.

Settle down, Wilfred.

Oi, you chopped out
that little foxie, didn't ya?

We look after a lot of
dogs like Wilfred.

I appreciated that.
Well, you gave him some medication.

You got any medication
with you today?

Problems are bad enough, I might,
you know, give him some medication.

Yeah, yeah.

But only if his
problems are bad enough.

I've got one big fuckin' problem.

He's got red hair,
goes by the name of Adam.

Wouldn't mind a cup of tea, Adam.

Sure. How do you have it?

White with one. Take your time.

You don't want
any more information...?

Yeah, no, just
white with one, thanks.

OK, yeah.

You alright, Wilfred?

You don't know the half of it, mate.

Talk to me.

Well, it's Sarah I'm worried about.

Yep.

She's been holed up in there
for days, loud music.

It's destructive.
It's a destructive relationship.

I mean, Adam could beat
the shit out of me, whatever.

I don't give a fuck.

But when Sarah starts
walking into doors...

Cameras off, thank you, boys.

This is a really important day
in Wilfred's life, Sarah.

Holy guacamole!

Did you dig this hole on your own?

Let's just say
I had some inspiration.

Alright. Rolling.

Mick.

Wilfred, I'm here for you, mate.

Today is about you.

If you don't want me to do
something, then I won't.

But let me say this -

I think the people of Australia
need to see this hole.

How long do you reckon
it took me to dig it?

No idea of how long
it would have taken you to dig it.

Smart. Very smart.

See, Adam... not so smart.

Makes all sorts of 'assumations'
about any number of given subjects.

Has he told you about
me sleeping on the bed?

Adam's got some issues

which we're gonna be
talking about later on today.

He hates it.

See, but I've gotta be there

to stop him from
naughty-boyin' Sarah.

'Cause the more he does that,
the more she gets attached,

leaves us both bloody vulnerable.

And we've been left
vulnerable before.

But Wilfred, it's alright.

And that's when you
get kicked in the guts.

Do you wanna show the people
of Australia this hole?

Yeah. I do.

I-I know there's cameras around

and... and that's not helpful.

I-I know it's going
to be on television.

And that's embarrassing.

But who really watches
these kind of shows anyway?

I know... I know we do,

but... we watch everything.

I think you should be
out there with your dog, Sarah.

What a beauty, huh?

This hole took about six days to dig

and they don't come
much bigger than this.

Ladies and gentlemen, a dog
doesn't go digging craters like this

unless he's going through
a pretty rough trot.

And things don't get much rougher

than they are for
poor old Wilfred at the moment.

But we like our challenges
here at 'Pets Down-Under'.

And they don't come
much bigger than this.

Do you sleep in there, Wilfred?
Not if I can help it, no.

Yeah, that's 'cause
you think you're...

What?
Nothing.

Do you put any food in there
to entice him, Adam?

Yeah, yeah, I've put food in there.

Not pizza, I hope?

No. Why would I put pizza in there?

Smells like pizza.

Pizza's Adam's solution
to everything.

"Wilfred doesn't want to do
something - give him pizza.

"Wilfred's got the shits -
give him pizza."

You're a one-trick pony.

It definitely smells like pizza.

I-I wouldn't have
put pizza in there.

What, you're blaming
Sarah now, are ya?

No.
Does Sarah put pizza in there?

No, no.

Adam, would you like
to do us a favour?

How is it in there?
Cramped.

What else?
Damp.

It's pretty damp.

Does it stink?

And what's the smell like, Adam?

Stinks a bit.

Is it scary?

Could you see yourself being
a little bit spooked in there?

I wouldn't say spooked.

I'd like to see him in there
in the middle of the night

when it's cold and wet -
wouldn't last one minute.

Yeah, it might be different
on a cold and dark night,

if you catch my drift.

Yeah, you might be right.
Am right, am right.

Cut.
Tssss.

"He says that
when he works with the dog,

"he likes to know its history

"and what exactly happened
to that dog during its life.

"'Sometimes I can get them to tell me
the whole story themselves, ' he said,

"'but I like to crosscheck
the story with the owner.'"

And that's you. Alright?

It's not me.

Sarah, I...

I'm sorry for going ahead
with this against your wishes.

I-I've gotta go now,

get a bigger kennel
and, um, some cleaning products.

Uh...

Yeah, so...

so I guess I'll see you later.

Get 'em.

You're not in
very good shape, are you?

I can't remember the last
time I was taken for a walk.

If you're stressed,
you need to exercise.

There's a wheeze in your lungs.
More stress?

I wonder if perhaps you've been
inhaling a bit of second-hand smoke.

Well, bloody... certain individuals
find it amusing for one's selves

to blow marijuana smoke
in my face whilst asleep.

They think it's a big joke.
It's not a joke, is it?

I hope no-one's been
blowing smoke into your face,

otherwise I'll have them
on animal cruelty charges.

You are as good as they say.

You know, I don't...
I don't know, Dr Jack.

I-I tried reaching out to Adam
over a period of several weeks now

and, you know, he... he goes
and repays me by ringing you, so...

I'm glad Adam rang me when he did,

otherwise I think you'd
be in a lot of strife.

Now, let's get something straight.

Adam's only interest
is to see me dead.

Still... you know,
you can't go blowing smoke

into the faces of innocent canines.

I mean, that kind of behaviour
really makes me sick.

You know, if I go... if
I want bloody nachos or pizza,

he can't run off
to the shop quick enough.

I mean, I ask you, is that
the kind of behaviour of someone

that has actually got my
best interests at heart?

I don't think Adam's got
your best interests at heart.

I start pissing on the... on
the carpet, on the rug, you know,

it... it's trying to send
an alarm bell to Sarah.

But no, she doesn't... she doesn't...
she misses it, she doesn't care.

She's oblivious
to everything around her.

Yeah, you know, Sarah should
be a lot more selective

about who she invites
into this house.

Chicks, mate.

Give her a bit of the naughty boy,
they lose all... all perspective.

I...I actually don't want
to sleep on the bed.

Truth be known, I'd fuckin'...
I'd rather be sleeping on a mat

or on the couch in the lounge room
in front of the heater.

But, you know, I... Fuck me dead,

I keep one eye open
with that cunt around.

You know, it's just like
that little Jack Russell that you...

you recently... you had
something to do with.

You know, I recently had
a little bit to do with a dog

whose situation wasn't
dissimilar to yours.

A little Jack Russell called Max.

You gave him some...

You had some... some medication
or something for... for him?

Some medic... medication?

Might put you on
a course of paroxetine.

It's a strong antidepressant.

And if they're too strong, we can
put you on something lighter.

Oh, they... No, they
won't be too strong.

I think they'll be perfect.

How's it going?

Oh, it's difficult.
Directions are in Dutch.

Adam, I'm going to have
to report you to the RSPCA.

What for?

I have reason to believe that you've
been blowing smoke in Wilfred's face.

What?

It's cruel, it's illegal
and it's abusing an animal,

and that is where I have to step in.

I don't... I don't blow
smoke in Wilfred's face.

Settle down, it's not
a jailable offence.

Oh, well, that's a relief.

Now, the worst that can happen

is that you'll be put on
the RSPCA's animal cruelty register

and banned from owning
or living with a pet for life.

I don't force him to smoke it.

Wilfred's my dog.
I take responsibility for him.

You must be Sarah.

A pleasure to meet you.

I'm Dr Jack Underwood.

I know who you are.
Yes.

I've had problems with him
since I lost Mark.

Mark was your former boyfriend?

Yeah.
Hmm.

Then when Adam came along,
I thought,

"Great, it's a chance for him
to bond with another male.

"'Cause it's not healthy for him
to be around a woman all the time."

Mark was a kind of father-figure
for Wilfred, wasn't he?

Yeah.

And Adam doesn't really...?

Not really.
No.

I'm sure he could be, but...

he and Wilfred just don't
seem to be connecting.

And it breaks my heart
'cause I really like Adam.

I want them to get on, but...

if we can't sort something out,
I'm gonna have to make a decision.

Come on.

I know.

That's it.

Yes, I know.

What, Wilfred?

As you were, Adam. As you were.

Can you not stand behind me, mate?
It's making me nervous.

I should be the nervous one.
Why is that?

Well, put it this way,

you would not be the ideal person
to build my house.

Give us a break. I nearly got
arrested today because of you.

I nearly got
arrested today because of you.

That's why you gotta
go to the R-E-S-P-E-C-T,

find out why you're mean to me.

That's what happens
when you dob in your mates.

I didn't dob you in.
No?

No. This was meant to be
a positive experience.

Positive for who?
You, mate.

I'll show you who it's positive for.

Come for a walk.
I want to show you something.

Go on.

Come on, get it all out.

That's it. Yes.

Had a look?

Nothing really's going on.

No. Nothing, really, no.

But what is going on would have to kick
you in the guts slightly, wouldn't it?

Why is that?
Dunno.

They're just talking.
And touching.

That's it. Yes.

He's... He's comforting her, mate.

He's certainly doing that.

Gently rub the... rub the sesame oil
into your hands, OK?

Now, take his cheeks
with both hands

and just gently rock his head
from side to side.

Oh, his...

see, his eyes are closed.

A little bit of dribble.
He's loving it.

Don't you, little mate?

I wish I'd known this years ago.
Yeah.

Uh-huh. Alright, now, his legs.

Take a firm but gentle grip
on the top of his leg,

then just slide your hand
all the way down to his paws.

That's it. And squeeze.

And let it go.

Now squeeze again.

Is that right?
He's loving it.

Do you like that, little man?

See, what you're doing is you're
easing his tight and sore muscles.

It also helps alleviate
some of the symptoms of old age

and helps create a kind of stronger
bond between you and your dog.

Should Adam have a go?

Alright.

Oh, look, I'm sure he'd consider it a
personal favour if I left him alone.

Oh, come on.
Don't be a spoilsport.

No, I'm... I'm not being a spoilsport.

You've done a beautiful thing today,
asking Dr Jack here.

It's only right that
you benefit from it too.

Go on.

FUCK OFF!
Wilfred!

Yes. Might wrap it up there.

I'm going to leave you
with some medication, alright?

I want you to give him
three of these tablets every day

for the next 12 weeks.

If things don't improve,
ring my office.

Thanks.

So I'm just afraid that
if things don't get better

there may come a time
when you have to make a choice

between boyfriend and dog.

Isn't there other things we can do?

Sadly, no.

As I said, if there are any more
problems, then give me a call.

You know, I'm only too happy
to help out in any way that I can.

You're really very sweet.

That's my job.

Yes, travelling. Travelling.

Travelling!

Well, I tell you what,

I've seen some sad old canines
in my time,

but poor old Wilfred
really takes the cake.

I've put him on
a course of paroxetine,

so let's hope that
that gets him across the line.

Meanwhile, Adam needs to decide
whether he's fit and mature enough

to look after himself,
let alone a pet.

Grow up, Adam.

Next week, we'll be...

Well, they say purebreds are better,

but I haven't seen it.

Next door there's
this, um, little beagle.

Everyone's, like, saying
always how beautiful she is,

"Oh, look at Daisy.
Isn't Daisy beautiful?"

I'll tell you what Daisy is -
Daisy's a little slut.

Now, that's what Daisy is.

That's not very nice, Wilfred.
Well, who's got time to be nice?

I was never... never into her,
truth be known.

She's actually what I like
to call a "force myself" -

I have to force myself.

And so I'm, like, you know...

And then what's more ironical
is she's actually...

she's leaving her bloody
sex attractant 'pherobones'

in our place.

Pheromones.
Yeah, 'pherobones'.

And when she wasn't doing that,
she's mounting me,

you know, trying to
stimulate me, sexually.

So at the end of the day I says,

"Alright, Daisy, let's just
get this over and done with."

So I give her one.

So I'm giving her one
and her bloody owner comes out.

"Oi, get away from me Daisy,
you mangy mongrel!

"Me beautiful Daisy!"

How's that for ironical?
That's terrible.

It's ironical - that's what it is.

Do you mind?

No, no, it... it's fine.

Is Sarah home?

Sarah!

Well, me and Keith
are gonna be stayin' for a while.

You got any problems with that?

I dig deep every day of my life.

And just when I think I can't dig
any deeper, they throw Cyros at me.

My plan was to kill ya,
take over all this shit anyway.

Watch and learn, Adam.

We need a plan.
Oh, fuckin'...you're telling me.