Wilfred (2011–2014): Season 4, Episode 2 - Consequences - full transcript

As long as Heller discloses
the police report by next week.

Either way, I assume
that we're doing everything

in our power to avoid
going to trial.

Okay, that's it.

Have a good weekend.

By the way, Lonnie, I-I came
across an old file of my dad's

and-- really bizarre--

it was labeled something like,

"Flock of the Grey Shepherd"...?

Ring a bell?

No. Sorry.



How about this-this photo?

Pretty weird, huh?

Very weird, but, no,
I've never seen it before.

Your father handled a lot of
cases I wasn't involved in.

Ryan...

I hope you know you can take off
as much time as you need.

I appreciate that.

DREW:
Dodgers Brewers, bro!

Thursday night, fourth row,

down the third base line,
behind the dugout.

They're my boss's
season tickets.

Oh, you-you don't want
to take Jenna?

No, she refuses to go
to Dodger Stadium

ever since she saw another Brew
Crew fan get stomped out there.



I keep telling her, just wear
a Dodgers shirt and cheer

on the inside.
Man, I-I...I'd love to go.

But I've got a conference call
with a client in Japan.

It'll be afternoon there.

Sorry, Drew.

Let's-let's hang out
soon, though.

What are you doing here?

We don't have
a lot of time, mate.

I've been thinking
about the whole "Am I a dog,

am I a god" thing,

and I've discovered something
that's gonna blow your mind.

Notice anything about
the letters in this word?

(laughs) Come on!

It's so obvious.

The letter "D" is the fourth
letter of the alphabet.

The Bible says there are
four corners of the Earth.

To see all four corners,
you have to travel around

the world, and, as everybody
knows, that takes 80 days.

"Eighty" rhymes with "deity."

And "deity" is
another word for...

I'm a god, Ryan!

(laughs)
Oh, come on!

Remember what those kids
said about the cult?

I'm here to lead
you to happiness.

Even if it's true,

Jenna only lets us hang out
a couple hours a week.

Which means we've
got to move fast.

Now the way I see it, if you and
Jenna are to end up together...

Wait-wait-- you think my
happiness is being with Jenna?

It's okay.
I'm cool with it now.

She's married.

For now, but you
can change all that

by asking Drew how
your dick tastes.

What? You know Jenna
and I only kissed, right?

Yeah, and us dudes use
the same tongue to kiss

that we do to clean our dicks.

Jesus, you are slow today.

Anyway, tell Drew you kissed
his wife, and they'll break up.

First off, Jenna kissed me.

And there's no way
I'm telling him anything.

I've seen how he gets
when he's mad.

Whether you tell him or not,

there are gonna be
consequences to that kiss.

Now, the sooner you
deal with them,

the sooner you can move on.

Why are we talking about this?
I don't care about any of that.

Okay, then what do
you care about?

About finding the connection
between my dad and the cult.

Then I'll lead you to that.

I don't need you
to lead me to anything.

I can't find my dad's name
on any of these documents.

But it seems to me, some sort of

shell corporation was
established by the cult,

to buy some property up north.

I looked it up online
and found this--

the exact same gorge
in the background...

of this photo.

I'm gonna go up there
this weekend and check it out.

But Jenna will never let me go
away with you for that long.

I know. I'm sorry.
What good is being able to lead

the chosen one to happiness if
you're not even allowed to go?

What are you
talking about, Bear?

I lead you to happiness
all the time.

Sometimes several times a day.

What do you mean,

"Not even once"?

There's no way you could have
faked all those orgasms.

I'll have what Bear's having.

(door closes)

DREW:
Knock, knock. Hey.

We were just
on a little strollski back

from the ice cream shop
and saw your lights on.

This is, uh, our niece, Darcey.

She's just visiting
for the weekend.

Hi.
Will you go to Disneyland with us tomorrow?

Me? Really?

Okay, I asked him for you.
Give me my gelato.

Ah. Well, you know,

Jenna and Darcey always
sit together on the rides,

so, I get crammed into a teacup

with a horny, 50-year-old
with a Minnie Mouse tramp stamp.

I'm talking about a dude.

Sorry, I'm busy this weekend.

Yeah. You doing
some camping?

I love camping.
Just being out in nature.

You know, kicking
anything you want.

Yeah, yeah, I-I was
totally gonna invite you,

um, but it sounds like
you're gonna be at Disneyland.

Sucks.

Drew? I thought
you were watching Darcey.

Oh, yeah, I was just talking
to Ryan for a second.

Hi, Ryan.

Hi.

Can I speak with you inside?

Sure.
Come on, sweetie.

Uh-oh, looks like
I'm in the doghouse.

It's a figure of speech, Ryan.

It means he has AIDS.

About your happiness?

I'm on it, dude.

Should lead you to it by
tomorrow, Monday at the latest.

JENNA:
Wilfred, come!

Morning, camping compadre!

Drew. What's going on?

Well, Darcey had some ice
cream on her face last night,

and Wilfred just went for it.

Nipped her, but, long story
short, no more Disneyland.

Wait-- he bit her?

Yeah...
Jenna wasn't so psyched

on me taking off with you,
but at the same time,

she doesn't want
Wilfred hanging around

while Darcey was
still here, so...

You don't mind, right?
Shotgun!

I can't believe this.

The last thing I want to do is
spend the weekend with Drew.

Drew's presence
is a small price to pay

to have your god by your side.

Oh, man, I feel so bad
for ants right now.

Their hills are
gonna get so kicked!

This way, Ryan.

Now this way.

Now down here.

Now up here, Ryan.

Now down here.

Ryan, the answers
you seek are straight ahead.

I can sense it.

Drew, hold up.

Uh... yeah.

You don't need that. The...

Your god knows
exactly where he's going.

It's-it's this way.
Where are we headed?

Well, there's a gorge that's
supposed to be pretty cool.

According to this,
it's just north of here.

I'll just use this and
find out which way north is.

North is that way.
It's that way.

I told you that already.
How do you know?

Oh, moss grows on the, uh,
north side of trees.

Are you sure?

(laughing): Bro, I was a
Boy Scout for eight years.

Which means nothing, except he's
almost certainly been molested.

Huh. You're right.

Lucky guess.

Put your phone away, bro.
Why'd you even bring it?

Enjoy nature.

Yeah, yeah, I guess
we can... go that way.

I mean, it's the longer,
less happy route,

but, hey, what the hell?

It's your life.

So, what's going on, man?
You dating anybody?

Me? No.

I'm just so busy...
with work.

Oh, you know what?

There's this girl that
Jenna went to college with.

She's out here,
she is smoking hot, man.

I mean, I should
get you her number.

I don't really...
Oh, look at that.

What?

The fungus on that tree there.

It's a bay-brown
polypore.

I'm gonna go kick
the shit out of it.

Oh, God.

Please, just call me
Wilfred? Yeah?

Drew just tried to set me up
with one of Jenna's friends.

Like I would ever do that.

This is so awkward.

Eyes on the prize, Ryan.

The quicker we find that gorge,
the quicker this torture ends.

You're just lucky you've got
me here to guide you.

No, I'm lucky I brought this.

Yeah, but can that show you
how to find food

so you don't starve to death?

I brought granola bars.

Yeah, they'd be good if you
didn't have a gluten allergy.

Which I don't.

Yeah, but what if you did?

You need to learn how to
live off the land... like me.

Last time I ate these,
I almost died.

So, you're gonna eat 'em again?

(retching)

(sniffles)

Let's do this.

(owl hooting)

Hey, Ryan,
can I ask you something?

Sure.

Have you noticed

Jenna acting kind of
different lately?

No.

Yeah, it's...

it's just, she hasn't
been herself.

The home security thing,

and then her problems
with you and Wilfred,

and she's been falling asleep
on the couch almost every night.

I'd really
rather not get involved.

(sighing):
I know.

This is something
I gotta fix by myself.

I actually wrote a song for her.

You know me.

It's always easier

to express my feelings
through my music.

I... did-didn't
know that about you.

♪ That's 'cause you don't
pay enough attention to me ♪

♪ And that hurts me. ♪

See what I mean?

You mind giving it a listen?

(owl hooting)

Sure.

♪ You used to smile ♪

♪ When you saw me ♪

♪ You used to ask me ♪

♪ 'Bout my day ♪

♪ But lately
you've been distant ♪

♪ And I just don't know
what words to say except ♪

♪ Nothing's changed for me ♪

♪ And I hope ♪

♪ I hope I'm not to blame. ♪

Jenna's gonna love that.

I hope so, man.

(heavy breathing)

Come on. We've got
a big day ahead of us.

(grunts)

Drew...

did-did you move my backpack?

It-it was here,
and now it's gone.

What was in it?
Everything.

My-my phone,
the map, our food...

Food?

A bear might've gotten it.

Oh, man.

A bear was here.

It knocked my guitar
in the fire.

(quietly): You stole my backpack, didn't you?
Why would I do that?

So I'd have no choice but to rely
on you to bring me to the place

from the photo.
I didn't do it, Ryan. I swear.

Oh, so you had nothing to do
with Drew's guitar either?

Obviously I did that, yeah,
but not your backpack.

Ryan, this is a sign.

Without that map, your only
hope of finding answers is me.

It's time to put your faith
in me and follow me blindly.

Drew, can you get us
to that gorge without the map?

Is a badger's musk soapy
and cream-colored?

Well, here's your gorge.

You were right.

The view is sweet.

I wonder what used to be here.

RYAN:
There's nothing here.

Drew may have been
able to find this place,

but only I can
lead you to answers.

Shh!

Something...

is telling me the
answers you seek...

are in the ground.

Wilfred, stop. Just give it up.
I'm serious.

There's something important
right here under our feet.

(chuckles)

What did I tell you?

What is it?

It has an energy to it.

(exhales)

It must be some sort of...
sacred, magical artifact.

I bet this belonged to the cult.

At last!

I bring you...

happiness!

(buzzing) Aah!
(shouting)

Wilfred, no! Ow! No!
I'll kill you!

I'll kill you! Aah!

I'll kill you! Aah!

I'll kill you! Aah!

Wilfred, run!
(shouting)

(both shouting)

Whoa-whoa... aah!

(Drew yelling)
Drew!

Oh, my God.

Okay, I realize this looks bad.

But in my defense, my job isn't
to lead Drew to happiness.

(bees buzzing)

Drew! Are you okay?!

It's not that bad!
I can handle it!

Oh! Oh, it's bad!

It's bad! I think I see bone!

Wait, so you have bones
on the inside of your bodies?

This changes everything.

What should I do?

Oh, I see, so I make one mistake

and you're no longer
consulting me?

The first rule when you're in
trouble in the wilderness

is to stay put
and stay together.

That's two rules, Boy Scout!

I texted Jenna from the road!

She knows where we are.

When we don't come home,

she'll call the police
and someone will rescue us.

No one's finding us
all the way out here.

We're gonna have to hike back
for help.

Drew, that doesn't
look very good!

You could die out here!
I'm hiking back for help!

Yes! In your face!

Oh, I'm not gonna die, Ryan.

Worst case scenario,

I lose my leg.

Okay! You know what?
You should go!

Go!

Ryan, my god instincts
are telling me

we should've made a turn...

I don't care what you think.

If it weren't for you, I'd be
hiking alone back to my...

Whoa.
Hey.

You don't look so good.

Shit, my eyes are swollen shut.

Wilfred, I can barely see.

Y-You're gonna have to help me
get back to my car.

Finally! It's about time
you let me take the lead.

Here, take my tail.

Oh! Gross!
(chuckles)

Sorry, I couldn't resist.

Here. Here it is.

Really?! Twice?
(chuckles)

Just give me your goddamn tail!
All right,

all right.

And you wonder why I don't
think you're a god.

If gods can't have
a sense of humor,

how do you explain
Stephen Hawking?

Okay, we're about to go
under a fallen tree here.

You're gonna have to
duck really low now.

That's it.

That's it.

Right there.
(chuckles) Oh, goddamn it, Wilfred!

What's going on?

Why are we stopping?

There's something weird
going on.

Every time I ask the universe
to lead me to your happiness,

we end up in the same spot.

So we're lost?
We're not lost-- I know exactly where we are.

Then why don't you take me back
to my car?

Is it because you want Drew
to die?

That's it, isn't it?
You want him to die

because he knew how to get us to the
place in the photo and you didn't.

Please.
If anyone here has a motive

to let Drew die, it's you.

Me? Why would I want him to die?
Because you don't

want him to find out
you kissed Jenna.

Jenna kissed me!

DREW:
What?!

Jenna kissed you?!

I told you I knew where we were.

(indistinct radio communication)

(Jenna speaks quietly)

Leave me alone, Jenna.

Drew...

where are you going?
(grunts)

Back to Wisconsin.

Listen, I'm so sorry about...
No. Stop, man.

It's not your fault.
I mean, if...

things were good
between me and Jenna,

she never would've kissed you.

I guess I've had a feeling
for a while now

that she wasn't in love
with me anymore, and...

(wry laugh):
now it all makes sense.

Take care, bro.

(door shuts)

Well, what are you
waiting for, mate?

Did you... do all of this
to lead me to Jenna?

If I did,
would it make you happy?

No. I didn't want
to hurt anyone.

I merely cleared some branches

so you could see the path.

Jenna?

What are you doing?
I'm going to Wisconsin.

I'm gonna try
to work things out with Drew.

Does he know you're coming?

No, but... I have to try.

Jenna, I-I'm sorry.

You're sorry?

You ruined my marriage, Ryan.

You know, I don't...
I don't want to...

I don't want to get into this
with you right now.

The least you can do is watch
Wilfred for me while I'm gone.

Yeah.

No problem.

(phone ringing)

Hello?

MAN:
Ryan Newman?

Yes. Who is this?

You don't need to worry
about who I am.

How did you get my number?

From your phone.

You stole my bag.

That's right.

And I'll do a lot worse

if you ever come up here again.

Tell your dad's partner
the price just doubled.

Ten thousand.

That bitch will know
what I'm talking about.