Wilfred (2011–2014): Season 4, Episode 3 - Loyalty - full transcript

Having been Henry's partner
and close friend,

I hope you trust me

to be open and honest
about this process.

We trust you, Lonnie.

On to the distributions.

Larry and Sophie, you will
receive 12% of the trust.

Eight percent will go
to Genevieve

for her many years
of loyal service.

I really loved working
for your father.

The trust will provide for your
mother's mental health expenses.

The rest will be split evenly
between the two of you



with the following parameters.

Kristen's inheritance
will be unrestricted.

Ryan's

will be doled out
in annual installments.

WILFRED:
Wait. That's it?

So-so, I'm not even
in the will? What?

Just 'cause he thought
I was the cause

of his son's disturbing,
insane behavior?

Let it go, dude!

LONNIE:
Six percent of the trust has,

of course, been set aside
for my executor's fee.

Don't executors

who are friends of the family
usually wave their fees?

Managing your father's trust is
gonna take a lot of time,



time I'm usually
much better compensated for.

But six percent--

that's not even standard.

Right?

Ryan, right?

LONNIE:
If there are

no further objections,
why don't I explain to you

how the distributions will work?

My life is pathetic!

No inheritance.

I failed to lead you
to happiness,

so, clearly, I'm not a god.

And worst of all, my owner
takes off to Wisconsin

and ditches me with her little

flat-assed neighbor
for who knows how long.

I'm kind of busy right now.
Doing what?

That guy on the phone
who said his price just doubled?

He called my dad's partner
a "bitch."

He had to be talking
about Lonnie.

Well, he was right
about the bitch part.

I found a list of her passwords
in her assistant's desk.

And I've searched everything--
her e-mails, bank accounts.

I can't find anything

about a $10,000 payoff
in the last month.

So, get up off your flat ass

and ask her what she
knows about the cult.

Okay, stop talking about my ass.

I'll stop talking
about it when you start

doing some reverse lunges
to build up that ass.

I want to see a goddamn
shelf back there!

Lonnie already lied to me once.

I just got to lay low
until I have some actual proof.

Is that why
you left Kristen hanging today

when she needed your support?

Yeah, exactly. I didn't want
to get into it with Lonnie.

Or maybe it's because

you're just not a
very loyal brother.

You're gonna lecture me
about loyalty?

What? I'm very loyal.

Ask Jenna.
Two seconds ago,

you were whining about how she ditched you.
Yeah.

That doesn't mean I'm gonna
stop being faithful to her.

It's been two years, seven
months and three days

since my last slip-up.

Ryan...

I'm an addict.

(sighs) Jesus.

I'm addicted to cuddling.

(laughs)

It's a disease, Ryan.

Years ago, when I was
deep in my addiction,

I used to break into
old folks' homes.

Uh, I'd start by just
cuddling with one geriatric.

Then it was five
geriatrics, ten geriatrics.

Afterwards, I'd feel so ashamed.

But the only thing that
would make me feel better

about myself was more cuddling.

Before I knew it, I was trolling

the parking lots outside
Special Olympics events

looking for some of
that simpleton strange.

One night, I ended up in a back
alley getting hug-and-rubs

from two athletes.

If you're such an addict,

why don't you ever try
and cuddle with me?

Do something about that flat
ass, and maybe we'll talk.

But I'm a lot better now.

I'm in a healthy, monogamous
relationship with Jenna.

I mean, this long distance
thing is gonna be a test, but...

I'll get through it.

As long as I have...

the house dog's little helper.

(buzzing)

Mmm.

Ah.

(laughs softly)

(doorbell rings)

You'll never believe it!

Arturo wants full
custody of Joffrey!

Oh, my God.
What?! Joffrey can't leave.

Who's gonna let me
wake them up from naps

with my unmotivated barking?

He says
Joffrey needs to be raised

in a more
"traditional family atmosphere."

(scoffs)

I can't even imagine
my life without him.

(crying):
I'd miss him so much.

Uh, what are you doing?

I wouldn't worry, Kristen.

Courts typically rule
in favor of the mother.

Well...

What?
Um...

There was this incident
at the mall.

WILFRED: I should
probably warn you.

I'm in a relationship right now.
And?

I grabbed the wrong stroller

and walked away
with a different baby.

It was an innocent mistake,

but then, the cops
were called, and

(moaning) I'm afraid Arturo's
gonna use it against me.

I can't do this.
Will you help me?

I can't do this.
I can't do this.

Family law isn't really my expertise.
I know, but

before I have to hire
some high-priced lawyer

(crying): and get into
a big custody battle,

will you just at least
lean on him a little?

WILFRED: Is your finger
where I think it is?

On your hand with your other
fingers petting my back?

Oh, you are a freak.

(Kristen cries)
Fine, I'll help you.

Really?

Oh, thank you so much.

I must look like
a mess right now.

I'm just... I'm gonna use
your bathroom, okay?

(Wilfred sighs)

Whoa. Man, that was
crazy back there.

Did you see that?

She was all over me,
and I was just, like,

"Get up off my cute
bald belly, bitch."

God, her timing is so annoying.

I need to focus on figuring out
the connection

between Lonnie and the cult.

If I can remain
faithful to Jenna

in these trying times, Ryan,

then I think you can be
there for your sister.

(footsteps approaching)

Your water does not get
very hot, does it?

Oops.

Joffrey's shoe!

What if I never get to kiss
his cute little toes again?

(crying)

Oh. Stop!

Please! No!

You want us to split holidays?

Well, it's just a place
to start negotiating from.

I can't imagine

not having Joffrey around
for all the holidays.

Makes you just want

to break down sobbing

and fondle the softest,
velvetiest thing on earth.

Like, a dog's ear perhaps?

Ugh! What's up
with Wilfred today?

He's being such a pest.
Wilfred, get down.

You're giving him two weekends a
month? Right now, it's just one.

Ryan, I thought
you were gonna fight for me.

This is what a
settlement's all about.

Unless you want to go to court,

there are gonna have
to be compromises.

Just don't let him railroad you.

Arturo's a lying scumbag.

God, I hate this so much.

I hate... even entertaining
the possibility

of losing him.

Come here.

Yeah, uh, I'm not here to haggle
over days and weekends, Ryan.

I'm asking for full custody.

I know. But I-I assume
that neither of you

want to go to court over this.

Did she tell you about the mall?

Yes. But that
was an accident.

She tell you I found
a Lego man's head

in Joffrey's stool last month?

It still had a cowboy hat on.

Uh, well...
I assume that

Kristen's been
going through a lot

since your father died-- which I
was sorry to hear, by the way.

I have no intention
of kicking her while she's down.

I only want what's best
for Joffrey, Ryan.

And I know she thinks
I'm a manipulative jerk,

but let's be honest, she tends
to see the worst in people.

I-I just

want to see my son more.

What if she gave you weekends?

All of them?

Well, that would make
a big difference.

Although, we were planning
on taking the kids to Spain

for the summer-- it'd be a shame
if Joffrey couldn't meet

his grandparents and his
cousins, la grande familia.

I guess I can urge Kristen

to make an exception
for July and August.

And September.

Jesus! Is that
my son's pacifier?

Wilfred!
What?

Oh! How did that
get there?

I am so sorry.

This is what
I'm talking about, Ryan?

She leaves all of Joffrey's
things lying around.

You realize my son
sucks on that?

Not when there's a pacifier in it.
(groans)

He just left,
and you're lucky I...

Okay, I know what
you're thinking,

but those performers are
over two and half years old.

They're all legal.
Barely.

What is wrong with you!
I accidentally

sat on Joffrey's binky.

Big deal.
No, you were

trying to make Kristen
look like a bad mother.

Why would I do that?
Because if she

loses custody of Joffrey,
then she'll get depressed

and lonely and want
to cuddle with you.

Okay. The truth is...

when Jenna cuddles me,
she just lies there.

Kristen gives that bomb cuddle.

But don't act like I'm the only
one trying to dick her over.

I'm trying to help her

I just got Arturo
to agree to a compromise,

in spite of the pacifier
up your ass.

I overheard you both.
You were hardly putting up a fight there.

If he says something
about Kristen

that's true,
I'm not gonna deny it.

She's family--
you're supposed

to defend her, not resent her.

I don't resent her!
Ah, so it doesn't bother you

that she doesn't have any
restrictions on her inheritance?

Or that your dad clearly
trusted her more than you?

Don't turn this around on me.

The truth is,
your little "addiction"

is getting out of control.

I'm not listening
to this bullshit.

Wilfred... Wilfred,
this has to stop!

I don't have a problem, okay?

My addiction is
totally under control!

What's this?

Bear,

I thought you were in
Iceland until the 15th.

An intervention?

Uh, and so...

you're the interventionist?

(chuckles):
What's that?

All right, you haven't cuddled

in 71 million years,
four months and two days?

No offense, but you don't
strike me as the kind of guy

who has to fight off
the cuddles.

Oh-ho-ho!

Oh, that's hilarious.

You're calling me out
on self-restraint?

Oh, really?

This coming from a guy who's

been up for days
smoking God knows what.

Look at your eyes!

They're practically
popping out of your head.

Oh, oh, that's your defense?

Yelling your name out
at the top of your lungs.

I don't have to listen to this.

Bear... let go of me.

I said let go!

(grunts)

Aah! Aah!

(grunts, yells)

Aah...!

(sobbing):
I don't have a problem!

I don't have a problem!

(sobbing)

(whispers): Shh.
He's sleeping.

- Hey, did I leave, um, Joffrey's
Cookie Monster doll here? - Yeah,

I think it's in the kitchen.
Oh.

Are you okay?
Yeah.

Just exploring new ways to spice
up my relationship with Jenna.

You were right-- I was
going off the deep end.

And all the people in
that room yesterday

were just there because
they care about me.

Except Animal. Turns out he wasn't
even there for the intervention.

He was just in the house.

He stole 50 yards of copper wiring
out of your wall, by the way.

KRISTEN:
I'm not seeing it, Ryan.

Okay.

It's outside.

Thank you.
I know you're nervous about today.

Nervous?

Every weekend?

Most holidays?
The entire summer?

Once Joffrey goes to school,
I'll barely see him.

Maybe you were right--
maybe I should hire

a real family lawyer,
because it doesn't feel

like you're on my side.

Of course I'm on your side.

No offense, but it's not like

you're making it
any easier for me.

The mall incident?

The Lego head?

He told you about the Lego head?
Look,

I know it's not ideal,

but at least Arturo has
agreed to these terms.

I think he honestly wants
to make this work.

(sighs) Just... try to be nice.

(softly): Okay.

ARTURO:
Oh, hello, Ryan.

Uh, Kristen.

Uh, oh.

New watch.
Cartier.

Wow. Expensive.

Not as expensive as your S-Series.
No, actually,

I sold it. Yeah.
No, I bought a minivan.

(laughing)

Well, at some point,
any good parent realizes

your child is just more
important than your image, so...

(mumbles)
Mm-mm-mm.

That's good advice.
Thank you.

So, where's my little man?

Is this a joke?

No. No, I...

Where the hell's our son?

He was here before.

WILFRED (over phone):
Relax, Ryan.

Joffrey's fine.
ARTURO: I want full custody!

Oh, my God,
Ryan! Let's go!

Sounds like Kristen
could use a good cuddle.

The sad thing is, I don't even remember
taking him out of the stroller.

N-No, it's my fault-- I was
pushing the stroller;

I should have noticed.

I'm a horrible mother.

I deserve to lose custody.

I'm gonna fix this, I promise.

WILFRED (in distance):
Ass-to-ass.

Ass-to-ass.

Ass-to-ass.

Ass-to-ass. Come on,
Bear, I can't hear you.

Ass-to-ass.

Ass-to-ass.

There we go! Hey, hey!
What the hell

are you doing?! Oh!
Putting a stop to this shit.

It's bad enough
you lock me down here

while Kristen's up there aching
for a rough snuggle!

Now I'm not even allowed
to stroke it?!

You switched Joffrey out
for a doll.

Do you realize how dangerous
that was?

He was napping the whole time.

Come on. We're going.
Where?

To beg Arturo
to cut Kristen a break.

And there's no way
I'm leaving you in the house

alone with her.

Hey. Any of you bitches
want to party?

You look like you could
cuddle me long time.

Oh, really?
At least crack it, dude.

Thanks for agreeing
to meet me again.

Do you want to...
get some lunch?

I brought mine.

The food here is processed
and unhealthy.

Listen, I-I know how
this morning looked,

but it-it wasn't Kristen's fault.
No, this wasn't

about this morning, Ryan.
It's about all

the terrible choices
and mistakes

that Kristen's made as a mother.

She loves Joffrey so much.

There must be
something she can do.

Your, uh...

y-your father, he was
a very accomplished lawyer,

Ryan, and I can
only imagine the extent

of Kristen's inheritance.
I mean, I saw the Cartier watch.

(scoffs)

You want a payoff?

You said it, not me.

Look, I-I wasn't lying

when I asked for custody.

But then when Kristen
forgot Joffrey,

what was I gonna do,
not ask for money?

How much?

I'd be willing to go back to the
original agreement for, say,

a... quarter of a million.

But you're a successful doctor.
With a shitload of debt.

I mean, did you honestly think
I wanted to trade in my S-Series

for a minivan?

You think I choose to bring
my lunch in every day?

I love the chicken tenders here.

That's a Handi-Snack.

Kristen was right about you.

It's not like she's got it
all figured out.

She can't keep a husband.

She can't keep a job.

And apparently is not enough
to screw up her own life,

now she's got to screw up
her kid's, too?

I'll pay you the money.

But only if Kristen gets

full custody of Joffrey.

Joffrey's my son.

Let's make it $500,000.

I assume you know
how to make that legal.

Sure.

That's easy.

I'm paying you to settle a
potential assault lawsuit.

Assault?

Are you kidding me?!

(sighs) Full custody.

I can't believe it.

Yeah. Well, once I explained
how much he was hurting you,

he totally caved.

I am so sorry I accused you
of not fighting for me.

I-I know I'm not always there
for you.

At least, not as much
as I should be.

Sometimes I resent you a little.

What? Why?
Like with the inheritance,

Dad didn't put any restrictions
on yours.

He always held me
under a microscope

while you got away scot-free.

You think it was easy for me?

No matter what I did,

I could never get him
to pay any attention to me.

I do miss him, Ryan.

Me, too.

Don't beat yourself up.

For a horrible brother,
you're still pretty amazing.

Yeah. You're a pretty amazing
horrible sister, too.

(both chuckle)

Hey, I want you to know
I'm in recovery now.

I've been going to the meetings

and, you know, doing
the whole 12-step thing.

The Promises are coming true.

Cuddling is the furthest thing
from my mind.

(low vibrating) Then why am I hearing
the house dog's little helper?

I'm not using it
for cuddling anymore.

(vibrating grows louder)

Anyway,

I'm just glad all
this craziness with Kristen

is finally behind us.

Yeah. Me, too.

Or it will be in ten years,

when I'm done giving Arturo
half my inheritance.

Trust me, it's better this way.

If you pay him off all at once,
he'll keep coming back for more.

Doing it in installments
will keep him honest.

Installments.

Yeah?

I-I was looking for
one big withdrawal

from Lonnie's accounts, but...

what if she's been paying
someone off in installments?

Ryan.

I've spent all night going
through my dad's bank accounts,

his transactions, everything
I could get my hands on.

Okay...

Sure.

I've seen this account.

Your father included it
in the trust,

if that's what
you're worried about.

$5,000. Every month,

like clockwork, from
the month he died

going back almost 30 years.

Ryan, I'm confused.

Does this have something
to do with the trust?

You're paying someone off,

someone associated with the
Flock of the Grey Shepherd.

I can only assume this has
to do with my father.

I don't have
the slightest clue what...

You're lying.
Okay,

this is getting inappropriate.
What are you hiding?

I have no idea
what any of this means.

Think about what you're saying,
Ryan.

I met your father in 1992.

You just said these transactions
go back...

30 years.

If your father was involved

in something...

dubious, I promise you
I had nothing to do with it.

I shouldn't be doing this,

but years ago,

when Henry asked me
to be his fiduciary,

he gave me a key to
a storage unit in Culver City.

He said
that if he died suddenly,

I should destroy everything
inside it.

What's in it?

I don't know.

I haven't looked yet.

Hopefully you can find
the answers you're looking for.