Wilfred (2011–2014): Season 3, Episode 5 - Shame - full transcript

3x05
Shame

Listen, I hope you realize
how much Drew and I appreciate

you watching Wilfred all the time.

So this is just a little thank-you.

Just ignore what Drew wrote.

He said it was a pun, but then he,
like, couldn't really explain it, so...

Aw, Jenna, I-I can't accept this.
It's a thousand dollars.

Ryan, we owe you the money.

You spend almost every
day watching Wilfred.

If we weren't paying you, we'd
be paying another dog sitter.

Dog sitter?
Well, I-I watch Wilfred 'cause we're...



'cause I-I like
spending time with him.

Oh, well, then why
don't you just...

why don't you just
accept it as a gift?

- Is this charity?
- Okay, the truth is,

the other day, we accidentally
got some of your mail,

and there was this
bright orange envelope

that said "Mortgage payment
past due, final notice."

[chuckles]
Wh-What? N-No.

No, I-I just missed
a payment, that's all.

It just slipped my mind.
In fact, when I'd gotten that envelope,

I'd already sent the
check in the mail, so...

My God, Ryan, I am so sorry.

- I... I didn't mean to offend you.
- Not at all. Not at all.

I appreciate the
gesture, but I-I'm good.



Really. Uh, will you
excuse me for a minute?

Wilfred!

What the hell is this?

It's my bachelor pad.
Pretty nauseating digs, right?

This room is supposed
to be for storage.

- H-How long has it been like this?
- A month or so.

I had to create this
sanctuary of stinking detritus.

You don't understand what it's
like at home right now... no crumbs,

not even a grease smudge,
everything smells Cloroxy.

I just wish Jenna would
stop hanging out

with that anal, OCD
clean-freak, Juanita!

You mean the cleaning lady?

"The cleaning lady."
Did you just come up with that?

That is the perfect
nickname for her.

I'm gonna have to spend
all day cleaning this up.

Before you get
hysterical, let me show you

what I've done with the place.
I think you're gonna like it.

Over here, we've got a massive
pile of Drew's used Q-tips.

[groans]

Big, moldy cantaloupe.

Maroon 5.

Over there's a...
rancid turkey carcass.

And that's just
a weird, like, thing.

I have no idea what that is.

You look like you could use a drink.
Shall we move to the bar?

The bar?

Jenna [in distance]
Ryan, are you okay?

Uh, yeah!
Just... looking for something!

Be back in a sec!

- Why not tell her to come up?
- Ugh. No.

I-I'm not giving Jenna another
reason to think my life's pathetic.

It's bad enough she
saw my mortgage notice.

- But you said you paid it.
- I lied.

The truth is, I owe the bank
$12,000 that I don't have.

Okay, I don't understand amounts,

so I gather from your tone
that that's, like, awesome?

I'm basically a dog sitter.

That's what Jenna called me,
by the way.

When I quit my Dad's firm,

I-I didn't expect my life
to turn out like this.

I hang out and smoke weed with
the neighbor's dog all day.

Shame is like having a daughter
with red hair and freckles;

you cannot let it
become part of your life.

Or maybe shame will motivate me
to pay my bills like a normal adult.

Look, I know what
you're hinting at,

and I don't mind
paying a little rent.

I'll give you, uh... that thing.
What is that?

Wait. That's a great idea.

No. Actually, I can't give
that up; it's my favorite thing.

But I'll give you
five pigeon dicks.

No. I'm talking about renting
this floor to a person.

At least until I find a job.

- What?
- They wouldn't be involved in my life.

I'll put a lock on
the basement door.

We'll just have to be a
little bit more careful.

Besides, all you really care about
is losing your bachelor pad.

You can't take this
away from me, Ryan.

This is who I am!

What is this?

As you can see, Chris, the room
gets plenty of natural light.

I have to say, I'm a
bit of a clean-freak,

and this place looks spotless.

There's nothing wrong
with being a clean-freak.

Oh, and I know that
there's a towel bar missing.

I'll put a new one in tonight.

And there's also a closet
here; it's got plenty of space.

This is perfect.
I'll take it.

Great! Well, a-assuming
the credit check goes well,

I'll just plan on e-mailing
you the lease tomorrow.

Looking forward to living together.

[Wilfred panting]

Ryan, I'm Jonesing here.
I've barely smelt or tasted

anything putrid in over 12 hours.

I'm not gonna let you
sabotage this, Wilfred.

I'm getting a roommate...
that roommate.

Come on, Ryan, can't
you at least...

Loafers with no socks?

I'll bet you got some
moist, sweaty toes in there.

C-Can I just have a
little taste, Ryan?

Come on, man!
I'm freakin' out here!

Just l-let me suck
your little pinky toe!

Wilfred, no!

I'll suck your dick
to suck your toes.

[knocking]

[panting]

Hey, I'm here about the apartment.

Uh, right.
You must be Anne.

- Did you jog here or something?
- No.

Onion rings grease.
[panting] Cheetos powder.

Barbecue sauce.
Well, hello, napkin pants.

Listen, uh, thank you
for stopping by,

but the apartment's
actually taken, so...

What? Oh!
That sucks!

- Are you serious?
- Ryan: Yeah.

Man, talk about a rough month.

First my boyfriend
doesn't make parole.

Then my grandma dies from
diabetes, which is, like,

a huge bummer, 'cause
she's, like, my best friend.

And then my grandpa
kicks me out of the house,

so I go back to pick up
some shit I left behind,

- and guess what?
- What?

He just blasts me in the leg
with an air gun full of rock salt.

[Ryan groans]

Jesus.
I'm... sorry.

Oh, it's not so bad.
When I bend my leg like this,

my knee looks like
a mountaintop, you know,

with all the little craters.
Like in Hawaii.

So that's pretty cool.

You know, my tongue's always
wanted to visit Hawaii.

Anyways... here's my e-mail,
in case that other guy flakes.

Oh. Oh, man, I'm sorry.

It was nice meeting you.

- So, when can she move in?
- Are you kidding?

Ryan, before you make
a rash decision,

there's something you need
to know about that woman.

She has a bag of two-day-old
egg rolls in her backpack.

I'm going with Chris.

You're gonna have to get
your gross fix somewhere else.

Gross fix?
I am an Epicurean!

Oh, hey, roomie.

[TV playing indistinctly]

Wilfred! [pats leg]
Come here.

How the hell did this happen?

It was pretty simple, actually.

I sent a signed rental
agreement to Anne

from your Yahoo account
while you were out.

I also e-mailed all
your friends and family

about this great new
penis-enlargement supplement.

- I really believe in it.
- I'm kicking her out.

Then you'll be on the hook
for $3,000, plus moving costs.

- You put that in the lease?
- It's pretty standard.

No. You're just trying to make it
impossible for me to get rid of her.

- This is a disaster!
- Look, I realize

Anne was only your second
favorite roommate choice,

but guess what, she's paying
three months' rent up front.

Give her a chance;
get to know her.

You might be surprised
by what she has to offer.

[knocking]
Anne: Come in.

Good morning.
Sleep well?

No!
I had the worst night sweats ever.

Took off all my clothes,

just slept on top
of my covers naked.

Had to let myself, like... air out.

Uh, l-listen, I-I think we
sort of rushed into this...

roommate situation.

You know, since we'll
be living together,

maybe we should get
to know each other.

- Totally.
- Like, what do you do for a living?

I run a small Internet business.

- Really?
- Yeah, started it myself.

Attracted investors,
built up a user base.

Wow. Is it media-related
or more social networking?

Oh, people pay to watch me eat.

- So you're, like, a food critic?
- No. I just eat food on my webcam.

It's a great job, actually.
[chuckles]

I mean, I'm not naive.

I realize that most
of my clients are...

you know... men,

but [sighs]...
I love being my own boss.

Basically, you get paid
a shit-load of money

to eat three meals a day.

And the second I get a creepy
vibe from someone, I ban them.

[electronic tone sounds]

- Wait, uh, are you working right now?
- Yeah.

Ooh, hold on. I got a private
session request coming in.

[mouth full] Oh, hey, Frank.

Hey, Anne. Hey, that
sandwich looks a little dry.

I was thinking...
maybe you could put

some more of that dijonnaise on it?

You got it, Frank.

Ooh...

[quietly] That's perfect.

Oh, and where'd your
lesbian friend go?

I want to watch her eat
some chicken nuggets.

[moaning]

[chuckles]

[sighs]

This is torture.

Anne came down this morning
wearing only her nightshirt,

sat on the living room chair
and basically Sharon Stone'd me.

Ugh.

It's only been two weeks,
but it feels like two months.

I don't think our situation's
changed all that much.

- Really? [wheezing]
- Not in any way I can think of, no.

[wheezing]

- What are you doing?
- Anne's bed sheet.

Unlike you, she doesn't have
iron-fisted rules about snacking in bed.

Uh, yes, Bear,

I am really going for my
fifth Nilla Wafer crumb.

I didn't realize there was a limit

to how many Nilla Wafer
crumbs I could eat!

What did you call me?

Well, if you're referring to
the fact that I enjoy blues

and like to travel, then yes,
I guess I am a blues traveler.

Wilfred, have you looked
in the mirror lately?

[chuckles] Oh, yeah.

There's some new fat
dog hanging out in there.

I made fun of him yesterday
for, like, three hours.

That dog is you. You keep
eating all the food Anne drops.

Me, fat?

Is that why that dog in the mirror
keeps saying such hurtful things?

[phone chimes]
Yes!

[sighs] Thank God.

I got a job interview at
Silverstein and Goldblatt.

- Interview?
- The faster I get a job,

the faster I can afford
to break Anne's lease.

As a lawyer? But you hated
working at your dad's firm.

You said you used to sit in
your car in the parking lot every

morning, dreading the idea
of setting foot in that place.

It wasn't about being a lawyer.

I hated working for my dad.

You just don't want me to get a job

because of your parasitic
relationship with Anne.

Anne is a friend to me,
nothing more!

So I didn't spend last
night watching you wring out

the armpits of her sweaty
T-shirts into a Cologne bottle?

Oh...!
Oh, that is horrid.

Hey! Looking good.

[chuckles] Yeah. I'm just
heading off to an interview.

With a law firm, actually.
A pretty big one, so...

Oh, that's exciting.
Good luck.

By the way, are you renting
out a room in your house?

Uh... because the other morning,
I saw this woman...

and I'm not accusing
her of anything...

but I saw her take my newspaper
and walk into your house.

Uh, she's just...

a-a family friend who needed
a place to stay for a few weeks.

She should be gone soon.

I'll-I'll talk to her
about the paper.

Good luck.

Do you have any mass
tort experience.

Technically, no, but I
published a series of articles

about the Fen-Phen case in the
Stanford Law Review in 2005.

- Mm.
- It was very well received.

I actually brought a
copy with me today.

What is that?

It's just a... thing.

What? Oh, I'm just punching
an extra hole in my collar.

I think it shrunk because Jenna
put it in the dryer or something.

I don't give a shit
about your collar.

I know what you did.
That thing?

Uh, thing? You got to be
a little bit more specific.

You sabotaged my job interview!

You're damn right I did!
I will not stand idly...

I will not stand...

I will not sit idly by
and let you kick Anne out.

Oh, good, you're home.

So, I kind of caused a plumbing
issue upstairs, and I'd plunge

it myself, but my gout is back
this week with a vengeance.

I can barely...

[groans, inhales sharply]

I can't take this anymore!
You are impossible to live with.

You're sloppy and unhygienic;

you blurt out weird, random
shit that no one cares about;

you stole my neighbor's
newspaper; and your job,

it's basically a creepy
type of fetish porn.

Your life is a mess!

And the worst part about it is
you have no idea.

Or maybe you just don't care.

If I could afford it, I
would have kicked you out

the second you moved in.

Anne?
Anne, I appreciate you.

Thanks to you, I've
become a better individual!

I need...

[groans]

[weakly] Ryan...

Anne...
I'm sorry. [sighs]

You know, you might find
this hard to believe, Ryan,

but you're not the first person
to criticize me and my lifestyle.

[Wilfred in distance]
Don't worry, Anne!

I'm coming up to defend
you from his harsh words!

Look, I-I shouldn't have
blown up at you like that.

I-I didn't mean for it
to come out that way.

That was wrong of me.

[sighs] You... you really
think my life is a mess?

For what it's worth, it's not like
I've got my life together right now.

I... I was a lawyer,
and now I'm unemployed.

[Wilfred wheezing]
Almost there.

I'm just saying, maybe we're
both in a rut right now.

Maybe-maybe we could
help each other out.

I-I'd just hate to see
you leave like this.

Wilfred: God, did you add,
like, a hundred stairs here?

Well, I have to admit, my
grandpa's said some pretty

mean shit to me over the
years, and it always hurt.

But I never knew
what to do about it.

You're, like, the first
person to offer to help.

I want to help. I really do.

[Wilfred wheezing]

[panting]

[inhales]

[continues panting]

[birds chirping]

[door opens]

- Hey. Looking good.
- Aw, thanks. [chuckles]

- You still excited about the job?
- Well, the first day

was pretty cool, so I
assume day two will be fun.

I mean, the temp agency only
has me doing paperwork and stuff,

but the insurance business is...
actually interesting.

That's great.
Oh. Um, bagel for the road?

Uh, no. Just coffee, thanks.

I know you were against
it, but you have to admit,

Anne's really turned a corner.

- What's that?
- Nothing.

[sighs] It's just that...
lately I've been having some trouble

reaching certain areas of my
body that require cleaning.

It's probably just something
to do with flexibility.

[groans] I just need to
stretch a little more is all.

But, uh, for now,
I've been getting by

with the help of a,
uh, tongue on a stick.

[moans]

Wilfred, your weight has
gotten out of control.

You're gonna give
yourself a heart attack.

For the last time, I am not fat.

I'm just a little
on the husky side.

Come on, we're going for a walk.

- Pick up the pace, big guy.
- [groans] "Big guy"?

Do you not see this
Hawaiian shirt I'm wearing?

I reckon it makes me look
like one of the Strokes.

Ah. Is that why you wore
a giant white T-shirt

when you went swimming
in the ocean yesterday?

Uh, sunburn?

[yelling]

Aw, forget it!

I'm not gonna let you ruin
me the way you ruined Anne.

I didn't ruin anyone.

What, you think Anne
was better off before?

Sure, she wasn't clean or refined,

she didn't not use your
computer power cord as a belt,

but she loved her life,
openly, freely, unashamed.

You ripped the horn
off the unicorn, Ryan,

because you wanted to
make it a normal horse,

but it'll never be a normal horse,

because now there's that
circular scab in its forehead.

- I'm helping her, Wilfred.
- What you're doing to her

is exactly what your father did
to you your entire adult life.

That's not true.

Anne is happier now
than she's ever been.

Are you sure about that?

Is that Anne?

Sitting alone in her parked
car before work. Sound familiar?

Ryan, hey.

I-I thought you were
going to work today.

I, uh, I-I was.
I meant to, but once I

started driving there,
I just had to pull over.

You said the first day was cool.

It was awful.
They put me in a cubicle

and had me enter data
into a spreadsheet.

And then at lunch, I
just sat there in silence

while my coworkers talked
about a sale on drapery runners.

I didn't want to open
my mouth, 'cause I knew

I'd say something weird
or talk about my back fat.

And then I was afraid I'd spill
stuff on my clothes, you know.

And the blouse I was
wearing was so tight.

This one's so tight, it's
just, like, suffocating me.

And this bun is, like,
giving me a migraine.

I can't even think!

[sighs]

I'm sorry, Ryan. I know a lot of
people hate their jobs, and they just

got to make it through their day...
you know, you've got to be strong.

Anne, no. Th-this isn't right.
This isn't you.

Honestly, I-I'm the
one who should be sorry.

For what?

[panting]

For ripping the horn
off the unicorn.

That actually sounded kind
of cheesy when you said it.

Look at her. She's so...
comfortable with herself.

- Why was I so threatened by her?
- Maybe you were jealous?

That's true.
I could never live like her.

- Why not?
- Come on.

You know what my life is like.
It's pathetic. I'm always just...

Hanging out and smoking weed
with your neighbor's dog?

- Exactly.
- Talking about

deep shit, laughing our asses off,
going on crazy adventures,

having a truly unique
and remarkable friendship?

I mean, sure,
you don't know exactly

what you want to do
with your life yet,

but at least you know
what you don't want to do.

Doesn't sound so bad
when you say it like that.

No, it doesn't, mate.

And when you say "smoking weed,"
what you mean to say is,

"smoking that dank-ass O.G.
kush mixed with White Widow."

[chuckles]

What are you looking at, fat boy?!

I told you, Wilfred, that's you.

No. That's Alec Baldwin
from It's Complicated.

Holy shit, that is me.
I'm fat, dude.

So, I finally introduced
Jenna to Anne.

I came clean about her
being my roommate

and me needing the money and all.

I actually didn't feel as
embarrassed as I thought I would.

'Cause you have no
reason to be, mate.

Of course it's me, Bear.
Who else would it be?

Oh, what, you think I can't talk
and satisfy you at the same time?

[quietly] I've got to take a piss.

Finish Bear off for me?