Wilfred (2011–2014): Season 3, Episode 4 - Sincerity - full transcript

It's getting chilly out.

You might want to
think about getting

your special little
boy a sweater, huh?

Or at least some Omega-3
to thicken his coat.

Yeah, I'll... look into that.

Come on, Thomas James.

God!

What is happening to this park?

It's being overrun by...

dog weirdos.
Dog weirdos?

People who treat their dogs
like cute, amusing,



four-legged little children.

We're descendents of the wolf,
for Christ's sake.

Look at this poor bastard.

Bootsies?
Wow.

- And check this out.
- What have we here?

"I did a smelly poo poo, Mommy."

You did a smelly
poo poo for me?

"Yes, I did."

He's not saying that.

She's speaking for him.

He didn't do a smelly
poo poo for her.

He did it for his dead brother.

Hi, baby.
Ooh, you're so cute.

And now she's molesting him,
right in front of us.



Yeah, I guess
that's a little weird.

And here's the worst of all.

This guy must have actually
spoken his mind.

Not only do they
emasculate him with a muzzle,

but they mask the
obvious rights violation

by making it a
comical distraction.

A duck bill? Really?

Okay, that's pretty messed up.

See, that's what I
like about you, Ryan.

You treat me like an equal.

You don't dress me up
or censor what I say

or not let me drool on your
clothes every now and again.

Ooh!
Wouldn't mind getting

my bulbus glandis
dick-anchor stuck up in that.

Yeah, like you said, this place
is crawling with... dog weirdos.

Let's get out of here.

Wait-- are you, like, scared
of that bulbus glandis

dick-anchor chick?

Of course not.
Well, then go and introduce yourself.

I already know her, okay?

Her name's Kim. We went to
high school together, and I had

a huge crush on her.
She was super outgoing

and always starting
these new clubs.

I, on the other hand...

Was an antisocial virgin
with drawn-on pubes-- I get it.

I never actually did that;
it was just a rumor.

Ryan?

Ryan Newman?

Oh... my God.

Kim?

You look great.

What have you been up
to since...

God, graduation, I think?
Well, I...

I worked as a lawyer
for a while and, um...

Tell her about the time

we microwaved
our toenail clippings.

Uh, but what have you
been up to?

Well, I recently started
my own business--

a dog training facility
in Venice.

That's actually
why I'm here today.

I'm passing out flyers.

I love working with dogs;
They're just such

incredible animals.

Speaking of which,

is this your handsome boy?

Uh, no, no, no.
I actually belong

to a gorgeous blonde.

Yeah.
What?

I never took you for a dog guy.

Well, just like you,
I-I love working with dogs.

Uh, I don't mean "working."

I'm just...

super, super into dogs.
Ryan,

you know I don't like feeling
powerless over my own leg.

Oh, shit.

It's happening!

You guys are really cute.

You know, if your dog
ever needs

any training,
you should totally

bring him to Happy Paws.

Or if you, you know, have
any dog-related questions,

you could just...
call me on my cell.

Um... yeah.

Let me get your number.
Yeah.

I'll never understand
why that happens.

So, you're, like,
"super, super into dogs" now,

is that right?
What? I've always liked dogs.

Then why don't
you have your own dog?

Oh, wait, you do.

Come on, I watch you every day.

It's almost like I'm...
Bullshit.

You just got intimidated
by your old crush.

And since
you couldn't find a pen

to draw on pubes quick enough,

you found some other way
to make yourself look good.

There's nothing wrong with
embellishing a little

when you're talking
to a pretty girl.

Yeah, I used
to play it like that.

I used to tell chicks lies
about myself just to get laid.

One night, I'd be a pilot;
the next, a doctor.

But these women weren't having
sex with a pilot or a doctor.

They were having sex with a lie.

And more sick and depraved
than that?

They were having sex with a dog.

But I learnt my lesson.

And if Kim isn't gonna be
into the real Ryan,

then why do you want
to be with her?

I mean,
for all of Amanda's craziness,

at least she liked you for you.

At least she...
I'm not looking for another Amanda.

At the very least, it'd be fun
to go back to school.

Unlike you, I was one of the
cool kids, back in the day.

All the chicks used
to bark at me

and all the guys
used to bark at me,

but, like, in a kind of
admiring way,

not, like, in a sexual way,
like with the chicks.

I already got Kim's number.

Why would I suffer through
a training course with you?

Mmm. Because maybe training
would be good for me.

Who knows? Maybe
I could even learn

to one day not drool
all over your clothes.

Nice.

Wilfred, no!

Yeah! Garbage is the shit!
God...

Wilfred, drop it!

God. Wilfred!
Oh, God. Oh...

Hey, Ryan. Sorry.

I'm gonna clean
this up. Just...

Wilfred has been acting crazy
these past few days.

No problem. Hey, I just wanted
to return your book. I loved it.

What was your favorite story?

"Safari." Totally.
"Safari"? Right?

Thanks for recommending it.
Oh, it's one of my favorites.

I knew you'd like it.
Make it rain on 'em...

Make it rain on 'em.

God! Wilfred!

I don't know what has
gotten into him. He's been

tearing up the furniture,
peeing in the house--

he hasn't acted like this
since we first got him.

God...

All I can think to do is take
him back to obedience school.

I found this, uh,
flyer in my mailbox.

It's for this new place
called Happy Paws.

I checked it out on Yelp,
and it's got some good reviews.

I'm gonna take him
down there tomorrow.

Hey, why don't...
why don't I take him?

Oh, no, no, no.
I couldn't.

You're way busier than me.

Besides, it'll be fun.
What's the matter, Ryan?

Afraid what your old crush
would think if she found out

I didn't belong to you?
Are you sure?

Yeah.

Feminine hygiene

products are the shit!

Okay, please don't embarrass
me in front of Kim.

Embarrass you?! Relax.

I was the cool kid back
in the day, remember?

Ryan!

Don't be no fool,
just play it cool,

break all the rules
and be yourself.

I'm so glad

you made it.
Yeah, well,

Wilfred's got
a few behavioral tics

I want to iron out.

Well, you came
to the right place.

This is Champ, by the way.

"Hello there, Mr. Ryan.

It's so nice to meet you
on this bright and sunny day."

Holy shit!
She's a dog weirdo!

Little kisses for the mommy.

"Does Wilfred's daddy
get kisses from Wilfred?"

I don't know. Does he?

Come on, give him a kiss.

Ryan. Don't do it.

I'm warning you. Neither
of us is gonna like this.

Oh, so cute.

Aw!

Remember...

I can't believe you--
Force-Frenching me

in front of the whole school

just to impress
that dog weirdo?

Just leave me out of it
from now on.

I don't want to look wack
in front of my classmates.

...so before we get
started, I just want to lay out

a few ground rules:
First of all,

this gate must remain closed
at all times.

We don't want any
of our little babies

running out into the street.

Blah, blah, blah.

Teachers are so lame,
am I right?

Hey, you guys!

Check out the wiener dog!

It's like,
why aren't you on a bun

with ketchup and mustard?

Oh, shit!

Oh, hey, what's up, spots?
Nice spots.

It's like,
look at your spots, dude.

I'm totally making fun
of your spots.

Oh, shit!

Okay, who's next? Who's next?

What's up?

Wilfred, pay attention.

Paying attention
is for narcs and dweebazoids.

Hey, you know what?

You're getting a wedgie,
Poindexter.

...most of our edible products
are organic.

Now, I want to start with
a really basic command,

just to see where we're all at.

Let's try "sit."
Oh, oh. Hey, you guys.

Listen up, listen up.

When Teacher says "sit,"

we all gonna shit.

Ready?

- Wilfred, don't.
- Okay, here we go.

Sit.

Hey! What the hell, you guys?

Looks like some of us
have some work to do,

but that's why we're here.

Your boys and girls worked
very hard, so please feel free

to reward them
with a little snacky.

That's not yours.
That's not yours.

All right, so where's
the cool kids' table?

Hey, is that an open seat
over there?

Oh. It's taken?

Hey, what about that seat?
Is that... Oh,

it's taken as well?

It looks like it's...

Hey! That wasn't very nice.

I was gonna eat that.

What...?

I'm not a loser!

Stop chanting it in unison!

So...

did you enjoy class?

Yeah. It was really helpful.

Look, a lot of people
don't understand

how much attention
dogs really need.

I mean, they're like little
four-legged children.

I say exactly the same thing.
Except I say

they're like little people with four legs.
Well, I think

"little children"
is probably more accurate.

"Little people" sort of
implies dwarves or midgets.

Right.

They're not like midgets.

Look, Ryan, I have to say,

I'm sort of worried
you're in danger of becoming

one of those irresponsible
dog owners.

Oh.

W-Well, the reason Wilfred seems
a little out of control is...

He's a rescue?

Yes. Yeah. Exactly.

I-I... I rescued him
off the street

a-about a month ago.

I found him tied
to a... fire escape.

He was starving
and showed signs of abuse.

Oh, God, that is so sad.
I know.

Sometimes I wish I could adopt
every stray in Venice.

I never knew you were like this.

Like, don't take this the
wrong way or anything, but...

in high school, you just...

you always seemed a little...

detached.

Me? Detached?

Really?

It's too bad we didn't hang out

more back then, you know?

Well, we're here now.

Are you thinking
what I'm thinking?

A doggy date?

Yeah.

So, school,

that was pretty fun, right?

Hey, listen, Kim and I...
I'm not going back, Ryan.

What? Why?

You were so excited
about going back to school.

It's just...

this new generation,
they're just so much crueler

than they were-- I mean,
we were-- back in the old days.

Some of the kids from class

have been cyber-bullying me
on Facebook.

This guy, he...
barely even knows me.

He called me
"a major dingus."

And-and this other guy,

he said I should
"saw my ears off slowly

"with a dull jigsaw and then
shove my bloody, severed ears

into my own mother's anus."
And that is,

like, really hurtful.

It gets better, Wilfred.

It gets better.

Hey, it's a new school.

You'll fit in eventually.

Besides, if you don't go
back, the bullies win.

You just want me to go back
so you can stick

your non-bulbus-glandis-having,
easily extractable penis

into that dog weirdo.

Hey, you were the one
that convinced Jenna

you needed the training.

Then I'll convince her
I don't need it.

I'll just be
on my best behavior.

And you think Jenna's just
gonna let you out of it?

She prepaid for the
whole course, Wilfred.

Okay, look, I'll lie to Jenna

and tell her that I'm still
taking you to Happy Paws.

But you have to do a
favor for me in return.

Hi.
Hey.

You look great.
Thank you.

That pirate hat is...

The cutest thing ever, right?

Come in.

Where's Wilfred?
Champy wants to play.

Wilfred!

KIM
Bootsies?

I love it!

I've been meaning
to get Champ a set.

I mean, not only
are they adorbs,

but Champs has
got very sensitive paws.

"Yes, I do, Mommy.

I have sensitive paws."

Aw, so cute.

Um, the other day, I saw
this great YouTube video

with two dogs, like, holding hands.
Oh, yeah,

I saw that! So sweet.

Yeah.

So, listen...

I wasn't gonna
say anything, but...

I heard this rumor back
in high school that you...

Okay, I-I did not use a pen
to draw pubic hair...

...had a crush on me.

O-Oh.

Y-Yeah. Um...

that-that one's true.

'Cause I've had
a really fun night so far.

Really?

Although...

I hope it's not over yet.

Huh, baby?

"Gee.

"I'm so tired.

"I think I'd like to sleep over
at Wilfred's house tonight.

"Would Wilfred mind
if my mommy and I slept over?

What does Wilfred
think about that?"

No, Ryan.

Don't you do it.

Cutesy voices were never part
of our deal.

"Me and
my mate Ryan would love that."

An Australian accent?

That's hilar.

I'll just go

grab my stuff.
Okay.

That is not what I was thinking!

I was thinking how ironic it is

that Abraham Lincoln freed
the slaves, yet he himself

was a slave
to a weird beard style!

You crossed the line!

I agreed to help you, and
you totally sold me out!

Calm down! I just used
a stupid, fake voice.

It doesn't matter.

Doesn't matter?!

I want my voice!
Wilfred!

I'll bite your face, bitch!
Wilfred, no!

Stop it!

Ryan, no!

Ryan, what are you doing?

Kim just took off
after lecturing me for an hour

about the proper way
to discipline your dog.

It obviously
doesn't involve violence.

Look...

I-I shouldn't have done
that cutesy voice for you.

I'm sorry.
It's not your fault, Ryan.

Maybe I'd be better off
with a cutesy voice.

My own voice just gets lost
in all the white noise.

You probably noticed

I took down my Facebook page.
I...

did not notice.
I got tired

of all the hate and vitriol.

Champ tweeted tonight
about how earlier

I "totally spazzed out"
like the spaz that I am.

Now everyone at school is
calling me a mental case,

a freak, an outcast.

And they're right.

Well, like we agreed,

you don't have to worry
about going back there.

No, no. You were right.

I have to go back.

Otherwise, the bullies win.

Wilfred, you really don't have to.
I want to.

What are you working on?

I'm drawing a picture...

of mountaintops,

with me on top.

Lemon yellow sun.

Arms raised in a "V."

And the dead lay in pools
of maroon below.

And then...

then there's Spider-Man there.

I just thought
that would be pretty cool.

Wilfred, lie down.

Good work, everyone.

I see lots of improvements.

So, I'll see you next week.

Kim, I-I just want
to apologize again

for what happened
the other night.

Oh, you don't need
to keep apologizing, Ryan.

If you're truly sorry,
you'll consider fixing

your relationship with Wilfred.

Totally. You're right.

Would you be open
to using a muzzle?

Uh...

Y-Yeah, I...

Not only is this going
to eliminate the threat

of Wilfred biting,

the one I got you,

it's a total cute-splosion.

Wilfred...!

What are you doing, boy?
Deeper.

More confident.
Remember, you're in control.

Just doing what all freaks do,
at some point:

sewing the seeds
of chaos and anarchy.

Wilfred, stop!

A little firmer.
A little firmer.

You want me to stop?
Fine.

I'll stop. I promise.

In fact...
let's shake on it.

Oh, God.
Everyone,

the gate is open!

There's nothing
standing between you

and the bustling traffic!

You made me the freak!

Now I'll make you the roadkill!

Come on, boys.
Wilfred, no...

Come on, boys!

Shit.
Come on, boys!

Come on!

Stay!

Noooooo...!

Why can't you just
let the bullying go?

Why do you care so much

about what the other dogs
at school think of you?

I said, what about you?!

Why do you care so much
what Kim thinks?!

I don't know.
Because I like her!

I just want to have fun!
What's the big deal?!

She has no idea
who you really are!

Why are you so afraid
to show her the real you?!

Because the last time I showed
someone the real me,

she was dragged off
to a mental institution.

Ryan...

what happened with Amanda
wasn't your fault.

Yeah, it didn't work out,

but it proves you're capable

of having a deep, healthy
relationship...

as yourself.

Maybe you won't
find it again today.

Maybe not tomorrow.
But someday.

And it'll be worth the wait.

Dropping the class
is not a good idea, Ryan.

Wilfred has a long way to go.

I think he'll be okay.

Well... so when will
I see you again?

I'm sure we'll run
into each other.

Take it easy.

Okay, I'll do it.

Hi, my name is Ryan.

I'm just chatting

with one of
my homies from class.

My hobbies include Ping-Pong,

reading and carrying

my friend's turds around
in a plastic bag.

Oh, you like my Ryan voice?

I know. Nailed it.

Yeah, all right.

Yeah, see you at the party
on the weekend, digger.

I said "digger."

With a "D."

No, no, uh, because you're
a dog and you like to dig.

Digger.

No, I-I d...
I think you missed...

Yep. I'll sh...
I'll shut up.

Huh... I wouldn't have guessed that.
Oh, yes.

The poodle is
a very macho breed.

It takes a tough individual
to pull off that haircut.

If I saw a poodle come at me,
I'd cross the street.

Really?
Oh. Mm-hmm.

I'll tell you what breed
is a little iffy, though.

What?
And this'll surprise you...

...poodles.

But... y-you just
said they were tough.

I bet that's
why you're surprised.

Wait, so... and the ship just
sank to the bottom of the...

deep blue sea?

Yep.
They didn't see the iceberg?

Nope.

And they didn't
smell the iceberg?

Nope.

They didn't hear the iceberg?

Nope.

Idiots.