Wilfred (2011–2014): Season 3, Episode 3 - Suspicion - full transcript

Wow, Joffrey sure is
getting big.

Big or fat?

I say fat, but Michael says big.

Either way, it's a problem.

- Michael?
- Oh, I've been seeing a guy

from yoga class
for the past couple weeks.

We're actually going out
again tonight.

It's nothing serious yet.

He's a smart, handsome doctor.
He's great with kids.

Child molesters
are great with kids.

What are you saying, Ryan?
Do you want me to stop dating?



No, of course not.

Look at that.

I'm surprised the little fat-ass
missed a morsel.

So do you want me to
call you a cab or...?

Breakfast?

Uh, yeah, I've kind of got

a bunch of errands
to run today, so...

Ah, shit, my homeboy
just saw me.

I better go say hi.

KRISTEN: Where the hell did
I put those baby wipes?

WILFRED:
Hey!

J-Murda!

What's up, little man?

Still shitting whenever?



Nice!

Is she gone yet?

Oh, geez.

Hey, sorry about that.

KRISTEN: I've been thinking
a lot about who should be

Joffrey's legal guardian,
and I'm leaning towards Dad.

- Dad?
- Yeah, Ryan, despite what you think,

Dad is not that bad.

He has been generously
supporting me

while I look for a new job.

He's... he's just a great
role model for Joffrey.

He's successful,
he's reliable, he's thin.

He's also controlling
and manipulative.

Why not me?

Honestly, I'm the only guy
in your life

who's really looking out
for you.

You actually want this?

Of course. I love Joffrey.

Okay, well, I guess I'll keep
thinking about it, then.

But so you know,
it's a huge responsibility.

Can you honestly look me
in the eye

and tell me
you've got your shit together?

I'm good. I swear.

Ryan, check out this
Internet site I found.

It's for people who just want

to have raunchy, demented sex,
no strings attached.

WILFRED: Look at the expression
on that slut's face.

I bet she gives insane trunk.

Ah, dude,

check the horn on that freak.

Wouldn't mind sitting on that.

What's going on with you today?

I thought you and Bear
were married.

We were, but married life's
not really for me.

I'm like a tumbleweed,
a rolling stone.

Or a freight train
that can't stay on the tracks,

and it's, like,
going off a cliff

with, like,
250 passengers on board,

and a lot of them
die on impact,

but there's like,
ten that survive,

and they're trapped.

And there's this one guy,
he's so in shock,

he's laughing maniacally,
and the flames are closing in,

and everyone's, like, sobbing
and holding each other,

but it's the laughter

that's the most
disturbing thing of all.

And there's this one lady...

and her eye
is just, like... out.

The point is, I'm single again.

Want to come out tonight
and get some strange?

I'm not really in the mood.

You never are.

I should've called Joffrey.

I mean, that guy's my dawg!

I mean, you go out
with him, you just know

he's leaving the club with two
tiny little handfuls of ass.

I'm just worried about Kristen.

Ever since she became a mom,

she's been making
some questionable choices,

like letting a guy she barely
knows hang around her baby,

choosing my dad to be
the legal guardian.

I think I need to be more
involved in her life.

You and your sister have
a messed up relationship.

It's like you get off
on sabotaging each other's lives

and then miraculously being
there to pick up the pieces.

Come on.
I would never stand in the way

of my sister's happiness.

Even if it means she won't need

little brother's shoulder
to cry on anymore?

God, why am I listening
to sibling advice

from a guy who ate his
own sister's ears?

Ear.

Ryan, have you seen

my We Bought a Zoo
Criterion Collection?

What do you mean,
suck your dick?

Bear?

Was that you just talking?

Okay, first of all, holy shit,

that was a spot-on
Ryan impression.

Second, what the hell
are you doing here?

It's over between us.

(knocking)

Must be the pizza.

Kristen.
Where have you been?

I tried calling you,
like, six times!

My babysitter canceled
at the last second,

so I really need you
to help me out, okay?

You know, since you're
the only guy in my life

who's really
looking out for me?

Plus, you know,
it'll give you a chance

to see what it'd be like
to be his guardian.

Of course, yeah.

WILFRED:
Yeah... boy!

Joffrey's in the house!

J-Money, what's popping?!

(knocking)

KRISTEN:
Oh, that's Michael.

You wanted to meet him, right?

(Joffrey fussing)

Yeah, I know.

Hey.
Michael, this is my brother, Ryan.

Oh, hey, Ryan. Michael.
Hey.

Did you have trouble
finding the house?

No, I got a GPS thing
in my car.

Couldn't wait two minutes, right?
(Joffrey crying)

I-I've got him.

Oh, it's okay, buddy.

Uncle Ryan's here.

Maybe this wasn't a good idea.

It'll be fine.

(high-pitched)
Hi there, Joffrey!

I'm Mr. Bear.

Would you like to be my friend?

I'd like to be your friend.

(makes kissing sound)

Seems like you're not
the only one

who can do spot-on
impressions, eh, Bear?

Told you he was good.
Okay, I'm just gonna go

to the bathroom,
and then we'll leave.

Okay.

So...

where are you planning
on taking my sister tonight?

Oh, there's this, uh,
little Italian restaurant

I've been wanting to try.
Gennaro's?

Oh, cool, cool.

Is that your Honda out there?

Yeah.

Huh.
Not exactly the kind of car

you'd expect a doctor to drive.

I'm not really a car guy, so...

(phone rings)
Oh.

Sorry, I've got to take this
outside, if you don't mind.

WILFRED: So, Joffs, I
was thinking tonight

the two of us can go out

and maybe try heroin
for the first time.

(Joffrey cooing)
Oh, I'm sorry.

I didn't realize
you two were talking.

No, I think it's great
that you two are talking.

You're a great listener,
and, uh...

and Bear could use
a friend right now.

So three cold ones, then, yeah?

Where's Michael?
Outside on the phone.

Well, what do you think?

He seems great.
Right?

And just so you know,
if tonight goes

how I expect it to,
there will be plenty

of opportunities
for you to babysit.

(chuckling)
Okay.

Like, a lot.

Like, overnight.
Oh. Oh, I get it.

Okay. Well, call me
if you need anything.

Okay.
I won't need a thing.

Oh, uh, Kristen?

Thanks for trusting
me with Joffrey.

It'll be nice to spend
some alone time with him.

Good night.

What the hell?

Ah.

No, I get it.

We're divorced now,
so you're fair game.

I'm cool with that.

You two have fun.

(Joffrey crying)

Look at them. Flaunting it
in front of my face.

Yeah, I hope you
used protection.

I wouldn't like for you
to catch Bear's semen ants.

Semen ants?

That's the technical name
for the colony of ants

living inside Bear
that sustains itself

from the nutrients
obtained from my semen.

Okay, I'm ending this line
of conversation right now.

Oh. Well, see, that's the
thing about semen ants.

No one wants to talk about it.

So how do we ever educate
anyone about this epidemic?

You know, Obama has semen ants.

He rarely talks about it,
but he's got 'em.

(Joffrey coos)

Are you gonna try
and Google it?

Yeah, you won't find it
on the normal Internet,

but it's all over the deep Web.

I'm not looking up
Obama's semen ants.

I'm checking Facebook

to see if Kristen
is friends with Michael.

There was something
off about him.

Good idea.

Find out what you can
so we can expose him.

You know, if it wasn't
for that Michael guy,

Bear wouldn't have
even been introduced

to that backstabbing
Bro Code violator!

(Wilfred chuckles)

What do you mean,
Joffrey makes love to you

the way you deserve
to be made love to,

gently and tenderly, but at the
same time firmly and forceful?

(scoffing laugh)
Oh, really?

Well, I find that
hard to believe.

Okay, on the count of three,
let's both say our penis sizes.

One, two, three...

Tiny!

Wait, did you just say,
"Thick as a brick"?

(whistles appreciatively)

She's not even
Facebook friends with him.

How well could she know him?

I mean, she's Facebook friends

with her high school
krump instructor.

Maybe we're wasting our time.

I mean, maybe Kristen
has found a perfect guy.

He's tall,
good-looking, smart,

has the fresh scent
of a woman's nether regions,

he's got GPS...

Wait-- the scent of what?

A woman's nether regions.

Was the scent Kristen's?

No, no, way less pumpkiny.

And also, it was very fresh,
like no more than an hour old.

Wilfred, that means
he fooled around

with someone before
he picked up my sister.

If we could find...

You're making this up,
aren't you?

And why would I do that?

Because, if she breaks it off
with Michael,

then she won't need me
to babysit,

which means
Joffrey won't be around

to steal Bear away from you.

I'm telling you, that guy
reeked of nether regions.

And if there's one thing
I never lie about,

it's guys reeking
of nether regions!

Wilfred, have you seen
the bottle

with Kristen's breast milk?

Ah...

Well, well, well,

without his precious
energy drink,

it looks like baby Joffrey
won't have the strength

to jackhammer Bear
for a whole hour again tonight.

Right in front of me, too. Rude.

Turn down this alley.

There's a shortcut to the CVS.

How do I know what kind
of formula to buy?

Why don't you ask Kristen?

Because I don't
feel like explaining

that the dog drank
her breast milk.

I'm supposed to be proving

that I can be
responsible, remember?

Turn left here.

(tires squeal)

Stop, stop, stop, stop,
stop, stop, stop.

Wait-- I don't see a CVS.

There's a liquor store...

Gennaro's?

Wilfred!

What are you doing?!

(hushed)
Wilfred!

Is this Michael's car?

I sure hope so.

Wilfred!

You get out of there!

What if someone sees us?

Hello, Michael McDerry.

You got his name?
Uh-huh.

Uh, check the GPS.
The last address.

I like the way you think, mate.

Hurry!

Another woman's name.

See, I told you
I wasn't bullshitting.

He was with
this non-pumpkiny Gloria chick

just before he came
to pick up Kristen.

All we have to do now
is go to her house and...

Oh, my God.

What?
Is there something else?

His middle name is Paul.

So?

Don't you see what this means?

Paul?

Paul the Ball?

(laughing)
Oh, man.

We are gonna rip
on this guy so bad.

(laughing)

Paul the Ball.

Come on.

"Responsible Insurance"?
This is so weird.

What, is he hooking up
with his insurance agent?

Well, look.

I think we have
all the evidence we need.

I say we go back to Gennaro's,

maybe split an appetizer,

definitely try the cannelloni
with walnuts and fried sage--

it's all anyone's
talking about on Yelp--

then stab Michael's face
three or four dozen times.

But it's not enough
evidence, Wilfred.

Ryan, I'm telling you.

Him, his GPS,
his steering wheel,

all smacking of the fresh scent
of nether regions.

Oh, will you stop
saying "nether regions"?

No one calls it that.
It's weird.

I'm just using
the clinical term.

Is everything okay out here?

Sorry. I was just
looking for someone.

Who were you looking for?

Someone named...
Gloria.

Come inside.

Now...

who am I speaking to?

No real names.

Say Shabazzleford.

Sha... Dave.

Mmm...

Will Gloria be joining us?

I am Gloria.

So, Dave...

...who should we thank
for this referral?

(sniffing)

It's not her, Dave.

(sighs)

I'm sorry.

I-I think I've
made a mistake.

I-I should really leave.

Who told you about us, Dave?

Oh, there's no need
to be nervous.

Michael.

Michael McDerry.

Oh...

Well, why didn't you say so?

Michael's a really good
friend of the agency's.

Come on.
(clicks tongue)

Follow.

♪ ♪

Whoa.

You know what this place is.

The nether regions have got
to be here somewhere.

I'll find them.

(chimes)

By the way, Dave,

I feel like I need
to be candid with you:

We absolutely forbid
the involvement of children.

But I am more than happy

to watch over the baby

while you and your dog

realize your very own
unique, special fantasy.

No...
So you just let me know

when you see something
you like, okay?

(chuckles)

She's here.

Are you sure?
Positive.

Are you chewing gum?

No. Dogs can't
chew gum, Ryan.

(phone ringing)

Shit.

Kristen. How's dinner?

KRISTEN:
Ryan, where the hell are you?

Where is Joffrey?
Is Joffrey okay?

R-Ryan?

Ryan!

Oh... Hey, guys.

Uh, sorry to scare
you like that.

How come you're back so early?

Someone broke
into Michael's car.

Oh...

Oh, God.

You took Joffrey out
without his hat?

He could've gotten pneumonia.

I'm sorry.
I didn't think about it..

I actually did think about it,

but I wanted Joffrey
to catch pneumonia,

'cause, well...
dude's a dick.

That was so
irresponsible, Ryan.

It is pretty cold out there.

Really?

You're the last person

that should be passing
judgment on anyone.

Excuse me?
I know what you've been doing

at Gloria's.

What?
Who's Gloria?

Yeah, Michael, who is Gloria?

She's just, um...
You know what?

I'd rather not talk about her.
Oh, because you don't want

to tell Kristen
about the illegal brothel

that you've been frequenting?

I'm sorry to be the one
to tell you this,

but Michael
was with a prostitute

right before he picked you up
for your date tonight.

Ryan, what the hell
are you talking about?

Are you insane?

MICHAEL:
No, it's...

it's true.

But-but it's not what you think.

The prostitute was a patient.

Patient?

Michael's a gynecologist, Ryan.

Yeah, I do pro bono work

for an organization
called Safety First.

Most of the women are illegals.

They're scared, uneducated,

and they don't have access
to health insurance.

So I perform free
blood work, Pap smears.

In fact, earlier tonight,

I had to make
an emergency visit

because one of the women
was suffering

from an infection
of the nether regions.

You know, I have to say,
the fact that

you snooped around
and secretly gathered

all of this information
about me,

it makes me very uncomfortable.

Michael, I hope you
know I had nothing...

I-I think I'd better leave.

Well, Ryan, you were right.

I guess I was letting
a crazy person

hang around Joffrey: you.

No...
You can obviously forget

about the legal guardianship.

Kristen, wait.

Oh, my God.

Are those... ants?

Not just any ants.

KRISTEN: Ugh!
(door closes)

Oh, you love Joffrey now?
Look at his hairline!

It's only gonna get worse.

You tattooed his name

on the inside of
your lower lip?!

Gah!

If I can't have
you, no one will!

(grunts)

Just let it happen.

Into the light.

Shh...

Oh, hey, Ryan. What's up?

"What's up?"

Thanks to your little
love triangle,

my sister isn't speaking to me.

Hey, I'm a victim here, too.

If Bear hadn't messed around
with one of my best friends,

none of this would've happened.

Nobody messed around
with anybody.

Bear is a stuffed animal,
and Joffrey is a baby.

The relationship between Bear
and Joffrey is very real.

And he's not a baby
where it counts!

Okay. You want
to play this game?

You say you want Bear
to meet someone else,

but the second Bear
actually does,

you freak out

and start interfering
and sabotaging.

You talking about me and Bear
or you and Kristen?

What?

(chuckling)
Ryan...

we're a crazy pair.

Sometimes, when you think
you're looking out for...

Jesus!

Why won't you...

die?!

Ryan, aren't you
going to introduce me

to your new friend?

This bear is for Joffrey.

(laughs)

What's up,
Responsible Insurance?

(laughing)
Huh?

Oh, you know, from earlier.

The insurance company we went
to, and then in the back room

they were running
the prostitution ring?

And since you're offering
the new bear to Joffrey,

you're sort of running
your own quasi-prostitution...

Whatever.
You don't get it.

No, I get it.

What are you doing here?

(high-pitched voice)
Hi, Kristen.

Your brother Ryan sent me over
to say he's sorry.

Can we talk?

Only if you promise
never to do that voice again.

Maybe on some level,

I'm worried that if you find
happiness with someone,

you won't need me anymore.

Ryan, you're my brother.

I'll always need you.
And so will Joffrey.

You know, in case
you haven't noticed,

you're not the only one
who needs to feel needed.

I guess we both have some issues
we have to work out.

And then I said, "What's up,
Responsible Insurance?"

(chuckles)
Exactly!

Thank you!

Would it help if I called
Michael and apologized?

Nah, don't bother. I doubt it
would've worked out anyway.

He drives a Honda.
And he's so pale.

Anyway, that's the last time
I let Dad set me up.

Dad?

You said you met him at yoga.

Well, yeah, well, I lied.

I figured you'd freak out
if you knew Dad was involved.

But here is the truth, Ryan:

Dad met a wonderful guy,

and he thought he'd be perfect
for his daughter.

And I know you think Dad's
always up to something,

but it's not true.
He isn't out to get you.

In fact, he was the one

who convinced me
to let you babysit

when he had to cancel
at the last minute.

Dad was the original
babysitter?

Yeah. Why?

(line ringing)

MAN:
Well, this is a surprise.

Let me be clear:

I'm not calling to say hello
or to catch up.

I just have one thing to say.

All right, well...

This is a strange way
to open our first conversation

in over a year, Ryan,
but go ahead.

I know what you did.

Okay.

What did I do?

Setting Kristen up with Michael,

offering to babysit,

canceling at the last minute

and advising her to call me.

You knew I'd screw things up
with Kristen.

You wanted me to,

so that she'd give you the legal
guardianship, and not me.

It was a giant manipulation.

Do you realize
how crazy that sounds?

I'm not the bad guy, Ryan.

Just stay out of my life.

Ryan, wait.

It was good
to hear your voice, son.