Wilfred (2011–2014): Season 3, Episode 2 - Comfort - full transcript

3x02
Comfort

Here's us playing roulette
in the casino.

(laughing) And here's us
doing karaoke. (laughs)

And here's us...
Oh, gross, Drew.

Oh, I'm sorry.

He must have taken that
when he was drunk.

Okay, here's some dolphins
off the ship.

Looks like a fun cruise.

Yeah, Mexico was a blast.

Thanks again
for watching Wilfred.

Yeah.



By the way, how are you?

I feel like we haven't really
talked since the wedding.

I'm good.

We heard about
the whole Amanda thing.

Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm fine.

I want you to know that
I'm always here for you.

I appreciate that.

WILFRED:
And here's me

looking out the window
at absolutely nothing.

I did that for, like,
four or five hours.

And here's me right after

I startled myself awake
with my own fart.

And here's me...
Oh, gross, Wilfred.



Sorry, I must've taken
that when I was drunk.

Wilfred sure is
excited to see us.

I think that this is the longest
we've ever been away from him.

Hey, you should come
over Friday night.

Drew took a cooking class
on the ship,

- and he's cooking up some recipes he learned.
- Oh, yeah!

And then you can meet
Ron and Peggy,

one of the other couples
from the cruise.

- They're super nice.
- They're super fat.

All right. Yeah.

Sickness, Ry.
Well...

what do you say
we loosen up these OJs

with a few bubbles?

Drew, it's 10:00
in the morning.

Ah, just a little
"hair of the dog."

(pops loudly)
Ooh! Ah...

(urinating) Oh, looks like the cork
scared Wilfy a little.

Jesus offers you a fresh start,

a clean slate...
WILFRED: Hey!

Can you turn that religious
bullshit off?

I'm trying to enjoy
a blumpkin in here!

And in return,
he asks for nothing

but your unquestioning faith
and commitment.

If you receive
this pardon from God,

you can stand before anyone

- with peace and calm in your heart.
- What is wrong with you?

Nothing.

Because if you're ready to die,

you're ready to live.

Thinking about Amanda again?

God, I wish everyone would
stop asking about Amanda.

I'm totally fine, okay?

Ryan, every dog has
this one itchy spot

on his back,
just above the tail.

And try as he may,

he can never
scratch it himself.

I mean, sure, he can try
to rub it up against a tree

or up against
the underside of a couch,

but it's never as comforting

as the fingernails
of a good friend.

What, do you want me
to cry on your shoulder?

Hell, no!

I'm not talking about
coming to me for comfort.

Why would I comfort you?

I mean, you've hardly
been there for me lately.

What are you talking about?

Right.

I'm serious.
What's wrong?

Ryan...

Jenna and Drew died.

Wait, what?

Yeah, they died for,
like, 17 days.

I'm glad they finally
came back, though.

Wilfred, they were just
on their honeymoon.

Just 'cause you don't see
someone for a while

doesn't mean they're dead.

Ah... I'm pretty sure
they're dead.

I looked everywhere for them.

You think that death is
like a vacation?

That's not how it works.

Do you remember Shep,
the Great Dane

you used to see at the park?

Yeah, old Shep
with the gray face

and the funny cancers
he was always joking about.

Yeah, he's been dead
quite a while.

Should be back any day now.

Wilfred, when people die--
really die--

then they're dead.

That's it.

They-they don't get
to come back.

Wait.

So, my grandmother,
my-my parents...

they're not coming back?

Holy shit.

Marley and Me is
a really sad movie.

God, why was I laughing
the whole time?

What is it?

My nemesis.

The bane of all dogs.

The mailman?
Exactly.

Wait...

It all makes sense now.

He just goes away for a while,

and then comes back.
(knocking at door)

God, I feel like such an idiot!

He was never actually dead.

(knocking continues) Until now.

The United States Postal Service
is a lie!

- Wilfred, stop it!
- Yeah, they act all kind and benevolent.

Sorry, just one sec!
But then they come to your house

and drop off your mail!

(door shuts)

Hey, I'm, uh, Bill.

Your mailman.
Obviously.

Here's your mail.

- Did you need a signature or...?
- Uh...

No, uh... it's kind of
embarrassing,

but do you mind
if I use your bathroom?

It's sort of an emergency.

WILFRED:
Don't invite him in, Ryan!

He can't come in
if you don't invite him!

Yeah, sure.

You can totally use
my bathroom,

Mailman Bill.
(Bill grunts)

WILFRED: You're letting
him shit in the house?!

I don't even get
to shit in the house!

Oh, uh... I don't mean
to be such a princess,

but there's no way the dog can
get through that door, right?

- A buddy of mine had sort of an incident.
- Oh.

- Don't worry, you're fine.
- Okay.

- Just, uh...
WILFRED: I'll kill you! I'll kill you!

- Thank you.
- I'll kill you!

WILFRED: (quietly) I'll kill you...
I'll kill you...

- I'll kill you...
BILL: Ooh, thank you.

- I'll kill you...
- Really enjoyed your toilet reading, by the way.

Alan Moore? Miracleman?
Classic.

Yeah, I've got every issue
except number 15.

Oh.
It's too bad it's out of print.

Yeah.
You like Alan Moore?

Uh, yeah.

Rorschach?
Awesome.

(laughing)
Yeah.

Whoa, is that a pentagram?

Oh. Yeah.

My ex-girlfriend and I met
at a Slayer concert.

So, me being
the romantic that I am,

I decided to get a tattoo
to celebrate our anniversary.

- Nice.
- Yeah... only, a week later,

she goes nuts and dumps me

for a guy she met at Chipotle.

Ah! No point in dredging up
old bullshit like that.

Right.

Well, I'd better get on my way

if I'm gonna finish my route
by happy hour.

Tell you what, you should meet
me in Hinano's in an hour,

and I'll bring by a copy
of Miracleman number 15.

Oh, cool.

Yeah, maybe I'll see you there.

Well, great.

Wilfred!
What are you doing here?

Sorry, I just have
so many questions

about this death thing.

I'm meeting Bill right now.
Please.

Just one question.

You said earlier that
when someone dies,

they don't come back.

Where do they go?

(sighs)

Well...

some people believe
that nothing happens.

That you just "turn off,"
like a light switch.

But if you're religious,

like if you're Christian,
for instance,

then you believe
in a place called Heaven.

Heaven?

Eternal paradise,

where you and God and Jesus
all live together...

Look, I-I don't know
what happens, Wilfred.

I have to go.

Well, wait.

How can you leave me
at a time like this?

I'm having a crisis here!

Are you sure that's okay?

Oh, yeah.

This is an "undeliverable."

You see, the rain washed out
the address,

and look,
there's not even a zip code.

So this thing's headed
straight for the garbage.

Let's see what we got, here.

"Dear Steven,

I've been thinking of you
more and more these days."

Whoa.

"I remember the nights
we spent together last fall.

We did some things that
I both cherish and regret."

- Oh!
- Well, this girl's a pretty good writer.

"I still have memories

of your massiveness
in my mouth"?

Oh!
Whoa!

Holy shit!

Okay, this girl is a freak.

Still,
pretty good writing, though.

"But I just got the results back
from my HIV test,

"and I'm heartbroken to say
that they came back positive.

"I know that you just
returned from Afghanistan

and are struggling with
your own PTSD issues..."

(sighs)

(laughing)

Shit!

Are you kidding me, man?

That was crazy.
Oh...

I remember one time
my buddy Barry

had this undeliverable,
and it was, like...

(clears throat)

Oh, man, Barry...

Who's Barry?

Ah, just a guy that...
We used to work together.

He's, uh...

Hello! Here we go.

This is what I'm talking about.
These are great.

As long as you don't mind

putting this massiveness
in your mouth.

Oh...
(laughs)

WILFRED:
It's okay, Ryan.

Wilfred!

What the hell did you do?

As you know, I was locked
inside a small car

with black leather interior

for hours as it baked
in the hot sun.

And as I sat there
contemplating death,

real death came upon me.

I began overheating.

I couldn't pant fast enough.

I started to make these little,
squeaky whimpering noises

that conveyed my desperation.

And then suddenly,

a thin, pale man

with long hair and a beard

appeared outside my window.

He broke the glass

and freed me
from death's clutches.

It was Jesus!

And Jesus stole my radio?

The Lord works
in mysterious ways.

You see,
I'm no longer frightened

of the concept of death.

The Lord is my shepherd.

With his rod and his staff,
he comforts me.

I've been saved.

I have been saved, Ryan!

Brought you a little something.

Rosary beads?

They're meant
to aid you in prayer.

Before I was saved,
I used to use them

for sinful, carnal purposes.

Wow, you're really taking
this religious shit seriously.

I once was lost
but now I'm found.

Oh, Bear!

Put away those wicked breasts!

We're not even married!

And unspread that!

Why are you wearing
my underwear?

To cover my nakedness.

That looks painful.

How are you gonna
wag your tail?

When one walks
with the Lord, Ryan,

one's tail is always wagging.

Whatever. I'm going
to Hinano's to meet Bill.

That Satanist?

I've seen his pentagram tattoo.

Mark of the devil.

It's just an old Slayer tattoo.

Wait.

This whole religious thing
is just an act

because you hate the fact

that I'm hanging out
with the mailman.

I don't hate mailmen.

I love all God's creatures,
even certain Jews.

What would your God-fearing
Christian friends,

Jenna and Drew,

think about you fraternizing
with a Satanist?

They're not even that religious.
Not religious?

Does Jenna not cry out
to God late at night

when she layeth with Drew?

Does Drew not call out
the name of Jesus

when someone lands on "Bankrupt"
on Wheel of Fortune?

I'll pray for you,
Brother Newman.

It's not like one of
those office jobs

where you got to get
to know your coworkers

and hear all about their
dreams and relationships.

Where do I sign up?

Right?

Man, I mean,
every day is a cake walk, man.

I mean, I'm strolling
around the neighborhood,

dropping off the mail,

sometimes I smoke a joint
in the truck... (laughs)

...and then I take a shit in
somebody's really nice bathroom.

By the way, Mrs. Phillips,
across the street from you?

She's got a bidet.

Water pressure?

- Strong.
- Oh...

JENNA:
Ryan.

Oh. Hey.

What are you guys doing here?

I got your text.

You said to meet you
here for lunch.

Looks like you guys
started without us.

Oh. Right.

Although I wasn't
really sure what you meant

when you said I should conceal
my dirty pillows.

Am I missing some joke?

Oh, I-I meant to
text that to my...

sister.

It's an inside joke.

Bill, these are my neighbors,
Jenna and Drew.

DREW:
Oh, yeah!

You're the mail guy.

We live at, uh,
2304 Webster Avenue.

Yeah, sure.

Right on.

Hey, thanks for the
Christmas gift last year.

Five dollar Starbucks gift
card-- very thoughtful.

Well, you do a good job,
and I figured

you could use the caffeine.

Hey... so you're
still joining us

for dinner tonight, right?

Um, yeah, yeah.

Looking forward to it.

I was thinking--
maybe I'll tell Ron and Peggy

to come a different night.

It might be better
if it's just us.

You know, so we can talk.

(laughs) You don't
have to do that.

WOMAN: Okay, who ordered
the Knockers Shot?

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Right there, Ginny.

Oh.

Oh, yeah.

It's good.

Nice try, sending
your "missionaries" to save me.

But it's not gonna work.
(shushes)

I do.

(groans)

Congratulations.

I hope you two
will be very happy

now that you can
finally have sex.

Thank you all for coming.

As planned,
a reception will follow

at the sour milk puddle
behind Baskin Robbins.

Sorry, Ryan, we're just trying
to keep the numbers down.

It's really just family
and close friends.

And a few people Bear's
dad used to work with.

Besides, I knew you had
Jenna's thing tonight, so...

I'm not going to Jenna's.

Thanks to your little stunt,

she's turning the dinner
into a therapy session.

Where's my weed?

Your drugs?

I flushed them down the toilet.

Well, I placed them
in the toilet.

I have no idea how to
operate the flush handle.

Do you accept Jesus Christ
as your lord and savior?

Do you promise to live every day
with him in your heart?

Wilfred, stop!

I hereby baptize you,
Ryan Newman,

in the name of the Father
and the Son

and the Holy Spirit!

(grunts)

(laughing)

Goddamn it, Wilfred!

Name in vain, dude.

You're insane.
Well, I hope

I've helped you change your mind

about going to Jenna's tonight.

I'm going to Bill's.

To hang out with his
Satanist friends.

Because unlike Jenna,
Bill doesn't dwell

on bullshit from the past.

But like you, Ryan, Bill
can only stem the tides

of his grief for so
long before he snaps!

Snaps? Bill's not
the snapping type.

And when it happens,

I only hope he has
good friends around

to pick up the pieces.

♪ What a friend ♪

♪ We have ♪

♪ In Jesus. ♪

- Hey, Ryan--come on in, man.
- Hey.

Guys, this is Ryan.

Ryan, these are
a few work friends here.

We got Todd, Darren,

and the lovely Joanne.

Oh, hey, man.

You didn't need to bring that.

We got it covered tonight.

Thanks to Joanne--
she brought over

a box of "confiscationables."

Yeah, you see, certain
items are illegal

to send through the mail.

The postal service
confiscates these things,

but there's no real system
in place to dispose of it all.

So it just kind of sits around
in a big room somewhere.

So, why let it go
to waste-- right, guys?

(laughs)

Sounds fun.
Yeah, man.

Aw, check it out!

Absinthe--
like, real absinthe

from the Czech Republic.

Willkommen.

(laughter)

Fireworks!

Oh, do you guys remember that

Fourth of July?
I think it was in the Marina.

Barry had, um...

...those, um...

Hey, we got some

Crate and Barrel
silverware here.

Actually, I don't think
these are confiscationables.

Oh! What's that smell?

Ew-- who farted?

Excuse me.

Wilfred,
what are you doing here?

I came here because
I was visited again.

This time by God himself.

Go home, Wilfred.
Ryan, listen to me.

I was in the basement,
consummating my marriage,

when I embarrassingly quick-came
and then heard a crash upstairs.

I ran up, and there he was.

He was beautiful, Ryan.

Immaculate skin.

Otherworldly

gold teeth, cornrows.

All cracked out.

Wilfred, that was a burglar.

It was God, Ryan.

And as God was carrying
your flat-screen TV

out the back door, he looked at
me as if to say, "Go, my son.

"Smite these sinners.

"Wipe this present-day
Sodom and Gomorrah

off the face of the earth."
Bullshit.

You don't like mailmen--
that's what this is all about.

I hate sinners, Ryan.

And we are in
the midst of sinners.

Satanist...

adulterer, glutton.

Lead-singer-of-Smash-Mouth-
hand-job-giver.

As God is my witness,
this all ends tonight!

I say hear me now,
all ye sinners

in the hands of an angry God!

Fire and brimstone
shall rain down upon you!

Get that thing out of here!

Ooh!

Is this a candle sitting
on a low table?

No, no, no!

Lord, use
my recklessly wagging tail

as a vessel to do your bidding!

JOANNE:
Shit, the fireworks!

(overlapping shouting)

Praise be to God!

Oh, must've been a box of duds.

Oh, thank God.

But how is this possible?

Why have you forsaken me, God?

I give my life

in service of you...

and you totally dick me over.

BILL:
Hey, man, it's cool.

The fireworks are outside.

Yeah, just...

something about
the dog freaking out...

it reminded me of Barry.

It's over now.

Now, why bring the mood down

by talking about Barry?

Hey, I got a great idea.

Let's break out that box

- of endangered tree frogs and get crazy...
- No!

It's about damn time
we talked about Barry.

Barry was our friend.

And I miss the shit out of him.

It's not like talking about
Barry's gonna bring him back.

Does it suck?

Yeah, it sucks.

One minute he's walking around
delivering mail,

and the next he's having
his carotid artery ripped open

by a 120-pound pit bull!

It's sad, man!

It's sad as shit!

You think I don't
think about that?

I think about that
every goddamn day!

Every day!

(all clamoring in support)

Bill could only stem the tides
of his grief for so long.

He certainly can't turn

to God for comfort.

You were right, Ryan.

God is a fake-ass,
little bitch.

I never said that.
I'm just saying,

fire and brimstone
never rained down the way

God said it would,
so he's obviously...

(fireworks exploding)

(groaning)

Ryan?

Well, we missed you
last night at dinner.

I'm sorry I didn't make it.

I didn't come 'cause I...

You know, I had this amazing
boyfriend in high school.

He-he was handsome
and funny and smart and...

But after a while
I started to feel like

he was hiding
something from me.

It turns out that he...

he had a bad addiction.

I broke up with him, but...

then I felt like I was
a terrible person

for not sticking around
to help him get better.

Was it my fault for missing
the warning signs?

I mean, looking back,
it was no one's fault.

We can't help who
we fall in love with.

And we can't help everyone
we fall in love with.

So was it, like,
a drug addiction?

Actually, he had a,
um, shopping addiction.

Which eventually became
a shoplifting addiction.

Basically, he had
this obsession with shoes.

Oh, so he was gay?

No, I-I told you--
he was my boyfriend.

Oh, my God...
(laughs)

Oh, my God--
he was totally gay.

(laughing) Oh, no.

He used to always drag me
to the swim meets.

And I thought he was just, like,
a really big fan of swimming.

(laughing)

Oh, my God.

Well...

So, dinner next weekend, okay?

No excuses.

You got it.

They don't make 'em
like that anymore.

They sure don't.

We're both talking

about her sneakers, right?

What?

Vintage Tretorn tennis sneakers.

They don't make 'em
like that anymore.

Yeah, totally.

(groaning)

Wow.

You can actually hear that?

Yes, Ryan, I can.

(horn blows loudly) (yells)

Oh, wow, so you can
actually hear that?

Jesus, Wilfred, you
could damage my...