Wilfred (2011–2014): Season 3, Episode 6 - Delusion - full transcript

Oh, God.

What's with the hat?

Drew's getting ready
for Jenna's party,

and he thought he'd have
a little fun at my expense.

If you're so upset about it,

why are you wagging your tail?

Sarcastically, Ryan.

If you don't take
this thing off me right now,

I'm gonna give myself
dead possum breath

and breathe in your face.

You know what?



I think you can
get it off yourself.

Oh, Ryan, please!

This elastic band is causing me

unimaginable discomfort!

Wait... I know how to do this.

Did you see this
Evite that Drew sent out?

Corn dogs and Sheboygan Lite?

Yeah. So?

This party sounds horrible.

Does Drew actually think
Jenna's gonna like this?

And plus,
the party's on Saturday

and he just sent the Evite out.

Look, we both know

that Drew's not...
How did that even get there?



Hey!

Just getting some dinner
for me and Drew.

Yeah, I just picked up
some dinner for... me.

You're coming on
Saturday, right?

Uh, I-I don't know
what you mean.

I know about the party.

Drew accidentally put me
on the Evite.

Really? That's too bad.
That's okay.

I know his heart's
in the right place,

but I have to admit,

Drew's parties
aren't exactly...

I just hope you can be there.

Definitely.

I knew she'd be bummed out.

Then I guess it's up
to Drew to make up

for his shitty party
by hitting it later

that night from the front,
human style.

Can I have the business
section, please?

Maybe I should say
something to Drew.

Or at least get Jenna
a nice gift,

something that
she'd actually want.

Good luck.

You'll have a hard time
beating Mr. Patel's gift.

He gave her a sex collar
to put on Drew.

A sex collar?

That was a shock collar.
He gave it to Jenna

to put on you because
he's sick of your barking.

Really?

Oh. That wasn't nice of him.

What do you think
Jenna would want?

Earrings? A sweater?

Well, she's getting
up there in years.

What about a book on how to
play bridge or a sewing kit?

Jenna's only turning 30.
That's not that old.

Yes, it is.

I'm, like, nine.

I can't even imagine
turning 30.

Every human year
is seven dog years.

You're 63.

Holy shit.

I'm, like... old.

Come on.
You've still got

a lot of life ahead of you.

This is terrible.

That means I've got 42,
maybe 49 years left?

And then after I'm gone,

all the wondrous
things I've done:

the adventures, the hijinks,
the naps in between...

it'll all be forgotten.

You'll live on, Wilfred.

I'll tell my kids about you.

I appreciate that, Ryan,

but to have kids
you need to have sex.

Hey, Ryan, see you tomorrow.

Hey, um...

about the surprise party,

corn dogs and beer
sounds... awesome.

Beyond awesome.
But I was thinking

you know that gourmet
taco place that Jenna likes?

What if I talked to them
about catering the party?

You don't have
to do that, Ryan.

You just being there
is the most important thing.

Well, I'm sure you've got
your hands full

with all the planning,

and all I'd really do
is handle the food.

Well, I've never really
been a taco guy.

I don't speak Spanish, so...

Oh, and you know what?

My sister has a margarita
maker that I can borrow,

so we can make it
sort of a Mexican theme.

You wouldn't mind?

Not at all.

It's just tacos, right?

So with the heat lamps,
if I decide tomorrow

that we'll need them,
what's the additional fee

to have them brought in
with the tables?

Uh, sorry, can I call back
in, like, ten minutes?

Why weren't you waiting for me

in the driveway to help me?

You're an hour early.
So?

So, where's this new roommate
I've been hearing about?

Um, she went to visit
her boyfriend.

He lives up north.
Someone's cranky 'cause

they missed their nap today,
Oh, I'm sort of busy

at the moment, but if you want
to put Joffrey down in the...

I was talking about me.
I'm exhausted, Ryan.

I was hoping you could watch him
for an hour while I take a nap.

I looked in the mirror

again this morning.
Guess what I found?

8,867,322 gray hairs.

Ryan, are you even
listening to me?

This is so obnoxious
of Kristen.

I still have to call
the taco place

and look at decorations.

So you're organizing
Jenna's party now?

No, I'm just trying to make sure
it's not a total disaster.

Why do you care so much?
Because she's my friend

and it's her 30th birthday--
it's a big deal.

Oh, really?
Just a friend?

I think we're past that by now.

Ryan, you should
stop lying to yourself.

Either roll the dice
and go for it,

knowing that I will
bite off and eat your dick,

or stop hanging
around with her.

I mean, you can't be
friends with someone you...

I'm not gonna do that,

because I don't think of her
that way anymore, okay?

If you say so.

Look, if you're gonna stay here,

can you at least help me
with Joffrey?

Go in the diaper bag and get me
out one of his toys

or a storybook or something.

Oh, you want a story?

Here's a story for you:

It's called
"Ryan the Non-Carer."

"Wilfred was contemplating
his ultimate demise,

but his non-caring best friend
was completely ignoring him."

No, let me tell you a story.

It's called:

"Wilfred the Annoying Dog."

You know, some dogs
are good at Frisbee or loyalty,

but the only thing Wilfred was
good at was being annoying.

Like last week,

when he threw Ryan's
cell phone into a pond

and laughed and chanted "nerd"

at him for 20 minutes straight.

Ryan?

Kristen! I was, uh...

I saw what you were doing.

Making up a story for Joffrey?

It was a little weird,
but it was good.

I was just... goofing around.

Well, Joffrey seemed to like it.

It's better than this bullshit.

Hop on Pop? Sick.

God, I thought
she'd never leave.

Did you steal Joffrey's books?

Ryan, I finally figured it out.

Babar, Clifford,
Arthur the Aardvark,

that stank-ass old rabbit lady
from Goodnight Moon.

What do all these
animals have in common?

They have 20-page picture
books written about them?

Biographies!

Right now, millions of parents

are reading them to their kids.

They'll be doing it
for decades, centuries,

till the end of time.

Don't you get it?

This will be my legacy.

And you will help me write it.

Can't you just
write it yourself?

I already tried,

but I couldn't
capture my essence

the way a great admirer
like yourself could.

Fine, I'll write your book
after I finish helping Drew.

No, no, no, no, the Muses are
speaking to me now, Ryan.

I can't right now--
I just got

a number for the mariachi band.

I have to see if...

You said you're doing this
for Jenna, right?

Well, I'm doing this
for her, too.

You're doing this
for your "legacy."

I'm twice as old as her.

After I'm gone,
she'll probably get another dog,

and little by little,
she'll forget all about me.

I want to give her something
to remember me by.

I want this to be
my special gift to her.

All right, we can do it,
but we have to do it fast.

Oh, God!
What is that?

Dead possum breath.

Sorry. I wasn't sure
you'd say yes.

I had to cover all bases.

My biography--

it's gotta be honest,
it's gotta be gritty,

but it also has to
sing off the page;

I'm talking Rikki-Tikki-Tavi
or early George.

George?
Curious?

Later George just wallows
in its own density.

Something like,

The Berenstain Bears Visit
the Dentist?

Visit the Dentist
is beach reading.

Sure, I'm along for the ride,

but is it transcendent
in any way?

Besides, it's totally
derivative of Aardvark.

Why don't you tell me
some things about your life?

Good idea.

Let's start at the beginning.

The day Jenna found me,

I'd just run away
from my previous owner.

It was February.

I was homeless on the streets

of Sturgeon Bay, Wisconsin.

I was hungry.

I was thirsty.

Not a Snausage to my name.

The wind against my face

was like the cruel
whip of winter.

Okay, I think I've got it.

"Once upon a time,
there was a dog named Wilfred."

Yeah, that's really good.

So, if I remember correctly,
she took me to a pet store,

and she bought some food,
some dog bowls, a few toys,

and one of those tug ropes.

It was white and...
beige, I think.

Shit, this is starting
to sound lame, isn't it?

It's your life.
It is what it is.

And-And then a man
came into the pet store.

He pulls out a gun,
he points it at the cashier,

and he says, "Give me your
money, you stupid bitch!"

That really happened?
Yeah.

And so I run over there,
I bite him in the leg,

I pull down his pants,
then pull down his underwear,

and I say, "Who's the stupid
bitch now, huh?!"

Which made the entire store,
like, heave with laughter.

Why don't we just skip
to the things that you've done

that you're the most proud of;

the things that you really want
Jenna to remember about you?

Okay.

Well, obviously, I want her
to remember the days we spent

walking in the beautiful woods
behind her house.

That sounds nice.

And how there was this family

of deranged, inbred woodsmen
who lived deep in the forest.

And one day, I overheard them

talking about killing
Jenna's entire family

so they could use their
skin as toilet paper.

So, that night,
I tied them all up,

and I arranged this one
woodsman's body so it looked

like it was giving this other
woodsman head, which made all

the other woodsman, like,
heave with laughter!

You realize I'm the one

that has to give this book
to Jenna, right?

She's gonna think I'm the one

who came up
with all this crazy shit.

"Crazy shit"?!

All I'm saying is,

if you're gonna tell your story,

tell the real story--
that's what Jenna would want.

This is my real story, Ryan!

Ah, it's the mariachi band.

It can wait.
No, it can't wait.

Plus, I have to meet
Drew in a half an hour.

We're gonna have
to do this later.

Later when?!

I don't know. Tonight.

Hello? Yes.

You can't put genius on hold!

Dude, the Muses are basically
all up on my nuts right now!

Hey.

Is Drew home yet?

Uh, no, but he-he should
be back soon.

Were you smoking?

I quit seven years ago,

but I've just been feeling
so anxious, so I...

I know everyone turns 30.

It's just another year.

My life used to
feel so wide open...

not that I'm unhappy
with the choices I've made...

Never mind;
I'm just being dramatic.

No, no, I-I get it.

When I turned 30,

I had a birthday
dinner planned,

and at the last second,

my dad made me go
into the office

and spend the entire
night working.

I remember thinking,

"Is this gonna be
the rest of my life?"

You know, when I was little,

my mom used to yell out
at me in public, "Susab!"

"Susab?"

It's an acronym.

"Stand Up Straight
And Breath mint."

Oh!

Hey, that's painful.

You're not supposed to laugh.

Oh, come on.
You've met my mom.

Well, hopefully this party
will help cheer you up.

Corn dogs and Sheboygan Lite?

We'll see.

So I'll pick up
the food tomorrow,

bring the decorations,

confirm with the mariachi band.

Oh, I was thinking,
since a couple people

are bringing their kids,

maybe I could make
balloon animals.

Or I could rent a bounce
house tomorrow morning.

Yeah.

Okay.

Uh...

that doesn't leave me
anything to do.

You being at the party
is the most important thing.

By the way, I'm worried
Jenna might be onto us.

Should we move the party
to my place?

You know, to be
more of a surprise?

Listen, I've got
some great new ideas.

The Muses have basically
been taking turns

sitting on my face
for the last two hours.

Well, first off,
I did some character designs.

It's, you know,
it's also important to me

that Jenna remember
my tender side.

I'm a lover and a fighter.

Is this a drawing

of you and Bear?

Okay, yeah, I did
give Bear two eyes.

But it's how Bear would
want to be remembered.

I know you want to
impress Jenna

with your life story.

But I can't help you
make this book,

let alone give it
to her tomorrow,

until you stop
deluding yourself.

Deluding myself?

What about you?

"Oh, I'm only planning
Jenna's party

because she's my 'friend'"?
Bullshit!

Okay, even if I did like
Jenna more than a friend,

which I don't,

what would I have to gain
by helping Drew?

He's gonna get all the credit.

Well, as soon as Jenna sees

that corn dogs
and Sheboygan Lite

have transformed
into the perfect party,

she's gonna know
you were behind it,

and give you
a big, grateful hug,

'cause you're her knight
in shining armor.

That's crazy.

You need to stop
lying to yourself,

and either go for it

or cut her out of your life.

Wait! You can't walk
out on me now!

You promised to help me finish

my special gift for Jenna.

I'm going to bed, Wilfred.

Oh...

You know... you know what?

Maybe you're right.

You're just trying to make
Jenna's party nice for her,

and, well... I'm sorry
for interfering.

Really?

Yeah.

Just make sure you let
a little pork chileta

fall on the ground
for old Wilfred?

Whatever. Sure.

Good morning.

Hope you had
a good night's sleep,

because we've got a big day
of writing ahead of us.

What?

Is this your shock collar?

Ah, ah, ah.

Aah!

Ready to get to work, mate?

Jenna's party is starting.

The guests are arriving,

and I haven't done anything!

I still have decorations
to put up,

I have to pick up the food...

That's probably Drew,
knocking for the 40th time.

Okay, and now he's calling again.

We're almost there.

We're just stuck
on the ending, that's all.

We've been stuck
on the ending all day!

That's it.
I'm picking up.

Ah! Goddamn it!

Okay.

Y-you want to figure
out the ending?

Um...

H-How about Wilfred
saves the planet

from an alien invasion?

I mean, yeah, I did do that.

But I want the ending

to have more punch,
more pizzazz...

Surprise!

Surprise! That's it.

Every good story
has a surprise at the end.

A-And I remember now.

I didn't just save Earth,
I saved Jupiter and Pluto!

Jupiter the planet,
Pluto the dog!

That's it, Ryan.
That's the ending.

Write it down.

Okay.

Now can I go to the party?
Of course.

We can both go.

Hey, wait,
aren't you forgetting something?

You're not gonna still

make me give that book
to Jenna, are you?

That story's totally insane.

Well, it's her birthday today.

And this is my gift for her.

Ergo, you will give it to her.

Ah!

You look good.

Gray is actually
a nice color on you.

It really makes your eyes pop.

I look like a freak.

It's the only thing I had
that could cover the collar.

Oh, God.

There you are!

Drew.

I am so sorry.

I had a nap at 4:00,
and the alarm didn't go off.

That's no problem.

I was just worried about you.

By the way,
I am loving that t-neck.

Anyway, as you can see,

the party didn't turn out
exactly like we planned.

Luckily, I'd already bought
the corn dogs and beer, so...

we're good.

Jenna is having a great time.

You should go say
happy birthday.

I couldn't agree more.

Happy birthday.

Thanks.

Are you holding up okay?

I'm fine.

I mean, it's cool.

Are you okay?

Yeah.

What's that?

Uh, it's a gift from Wilfred.

Oh, that's cute.

This is awesome, Ryan.

I... it's-it's
a joke, really.

Mmm...

Although, it's definitely

a-a way to remember Wilfred.

And it's a kids' book, so you can
read it to your kids someday.

Did you do this yourself?

It was more Wilfred's idea.

Hey, you know
what you should do?

You should read this
to the kids right now!

Oh, no, no...

It's meant for children, right?

That way, I can, you know,

see it the way
it's meant to be.

It'll be fun.

Hey, everybody...

it's story time.

Yay!

I-I'm gonna read you
a-a fun little tale

called Wilfred the Amazing Dog.

"Once upon a time,
there was a dog named Wilfred.

"Wilfred wasn't the best dog
in the world.

"He wasn't the bravest,

"or the best-looking,

"or the fastest,
or the smartest,

"but he was good at one thing:

"...loving his friend Jenna.

"He loved Jenna
because she was his sunshine,

the one person who could
turn clouds into blue skies."

When did you write this?

It was my original version,
before I asked you for help.

I was thinking about it,
and I figured you were right.

It was time to stop
deluding myself.

That was incredible, Ryan.

The best birthday gift
I've ever gotten.

Jenna, there's something
I have to tell you.

I...

I'm not feeling that well.

I-I think I'm gonna
go lie down.

Really?

Yeah. But...

Drew should be bringing
the cake out soon.

Go have fun.

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday, dear Jenna ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you. ♪

It's gonna be hard, you know,

taking a step back from
my friendship with Jenna.

But... this is good.

I can finally start
moving on with my life.

I'm proud of you, Ryan.

A lot of guys don't
have the willpower

to suppress
their innermost feelings.

Like those werewolves.

Werewolves?

You've never heard of
werewolves?

Oh, Ryan, wait until you hear
about these creatures.

They start off just like
normal guys,

like, charming, handsome,
just... normal.

Then, once a month,
they magically transform

into these evil, grotesque
humans for, like, 29 days.