Wilfred (2011–2014): Season 3, Episode 10 - Distance - full transcript

Here's to surviving
the holidays.

To Bloody Marys.

And pumping and dumping.

Right, my little
buzzy wuzzy buzzkill?

Dad said you guys are
ironing things out.

Yeah. Trying to, at least.

Looks like Christmas wasn't
such a bad idea after all.

You're welcome.

God, this drawing
almost ruined everything.

It's weird.
Mom said it was yours,

but I swear
I remember drawing it.



No. No, she's right.
That's one of my drawings.

Yeah.

Um, are you gonna
let Wilfred in?

He's just gonna keep
scratching if you don't.

I'm gonna pee.

What are you doing?
Just letting the world know

what a versatile guy you are.
"A little bit country,

a little bit rock 'n' roll"?
So, what did Kristen say

- about the drawing? - I was just asking her
about it when you interrupted me.

I'm gonna have to sand
and repaint this.

Dude, it's a compliment.

I'm basically saying
you're Kid Rock.

My cab's here.
I'm gonna get a bikini wax,

and I want to still be a little
buzzed when the lady rips it.



Uh, oh, hey, real quick.
Um, I-I was just wondering.

Who's that character?
Oh!

That's Mr. Floppy Ears.
It was just a silly

imaginary character I used to draw.
Oh.

H-How'd you come up
with him?

I don't know.
I probably made him up.

It's what most kids do.

Kind of reminds me of Wilfred.

You know,
you talk about Wilfred more

than most people talk
about their neighbors' dogs.

- I guess I just... - Nobody talks about
their neighbors' dogs, Ryan.

Thanks.
What? It's not finished.

"Ryan is a little bit

chiseled."
It's true.

You look good.

Have you been working out?

Oh. It's for my Instagram.

If all my friends

don't see a photo
of every single meal I eat,

they'll probably start
to think I'm weird.

Although, since Jenna and Drew
cut me off from people food,

it's pretty much been
the same photo.

So Kristen was a dead end, huh?
Pretty much.

I mean, she thinks
she drew the drawing.

"Mr. Floppy Ears."

Then again, I saw myself doing
it in my memory from therapy.

Well, maybe it would help
to give it a rest for a while.

You know, distract yourself.

We could play a game.

Um..."Balderdash"?
"Scattergories"?

You think that would help?
Well, it's like

the pill in the cheese.

Once a month, Jenna wraps

these heartworm pills,
which I hate,

in cheese, which I love.

I could never solve the problem

of how to eat the cheese
but not the pills.

Until one day,

I go outside
and I have a little game

of Growly Stick Tug with Drew.

I come back in,
and then suddenly...

inspiration struck.

What did you do?
Well, I started stashing the pills

between my lips and gums.

That's disgusting.

I just wish there was
some other way

to get more information
about that drawing.

Nice. I already got 17 likes
on my latest Instagram.

All my peeps are bugging out

'cause now they know
what my meal looked like.

Your peeps?

Wilfred, you don't have any...

Bruce.

What about Bruce?

He's known you for a long time,

right?

Plus, he's a part of this.

Wh-What if he knows something?

No, Ryan, Bruce
cannot be trusted.

He's a snake.
Well, sure, he's a little shady, but...

N-No, I mean he's
literally a snake.

You know,
like a hissing, slithering...

snake.

What snake thing is that?
You know,

when you catch a snake
and you try to eat it

but it bites the inside
of your mouth

and it makes
your cheek swell up.

Like...
No.

- And I've seen Bruce.
He's definitely not a snake. - Oh.

Because snakes don't walk around
on two legs

and have opposable thumbs
and talk to you.

Kind of like dogs, right?

But most importantly,

have you ever seen Bruce alone
in a room

with a mongoose?
Stop playing mind games with me.

What if I started
messing with your head?

Oh, my... Oh... I'm sorry.

That is the cutest thing
I've ever heard.

You are adorable!

I'm the master of mind games.

That's what I do.

No one mind-rapes people
like I do,

least of all...

Shit, there's someone
at the front door.

Okay, that is
the weirdest thing ever.

There's no one there,
but clearly

there was a knock on the front door.

There's someone
at the door again.

Ryan?

Bruce?

Shit.

Well, it's quite a surprise,
you just showing up

out of the blue like this, Ryan.

Sorry, I-I just thought...

What? That I had
murdered

an elderly couple?

Was living in their house,

cashing their
Social Security checks?

I mean, I get it, Ryan.

I mean, I give off
that vibe, don't I?

No.

Deb and her daughter
have taken me in like...

family.

Hey, they look nice.

They are nice.

They're away at a Christian
retreat this weekend.

If you're here to visit,

your shoes have to come off.

Deb's rule.

I got your address off
of Wilfred's phone.

I was actually surprised that
we live so close to each other.

Did Wilfred send you over here?

H-He doesn't know I'm here;
I swear.

Well, he must've
really pissed you off, huh?

Let me guess.

He had you kick
your cousin's kid in the face

with a running start, didn't he?
What? No.

He didn't have me do that either.
Look,

I-I tracked you down
because I have some questions.

I-I was hoping that we could...
Is this

crayon-related?

Yeah.

I knew this day
was gonna come, Ryan.

Are you familiar

with the concept of wormholes?

Like...

time travel?
Yeah.

Like time tr...

You know what?

I think I've said
too much already.

This is a bad idea. I think you should leave.
No, no.

No, I-I need to know.

H-How long has Wilfred
been in my life?

Why is he in my life?

Are you sure you're ready
for those answers, Ryan?

Yes.

Well, there's gonna be a price.

I want Wilfred's testicles.

Really?
Look, you know as well as I do

that Wilfred's aggressive.

He won't stop
till he gets what he wants,

usually at our expense.

He's a bad dog. Bad dog!

And how do you take
a dog's aggression away?

Isn't there something else I could...
I want

his balls, Ryan.

What are you reading?

Um...

Eyes up here, mate.

Just... reading
an article.

Sorry. Pardon me.

Pardon. Whoa.
Can you just move?!

Hey. What's going on?

Are you okay?

I went and saw Bruce.

Damn it, Ryan!

I told you he's bad news!

I'm sorry.

B-But, listen...

I-I think he might actually know
something about you and me.

Something big.

How big?

Like..."where you came from" big.
And I assume

that dirty prick wants something
in return for it.

Yes.

A-And I should've
told you earlier.

And-and I swear,
I-I was never actually

gonna do anything.
Spit it out.

Spit it out, mate.

He wants your testicles.

The family grape seeds?

Okay. Well,

if it's balls Bruce wants,

then it's balls
Bruce shall have.

Are you familiar
with Vincenzo's Gourmet Meats?

That place on Rose?

They make a specialty meatball

that happens to look identical
to a dog testicle.

Tender veal,
ground pork sausage,

slivers of fried garlic and
the slightest hint of paprika.

Mmm. They sound delicious.

It doesn't matter
what they taste like.

All that matters is what they look like.
Stop it!

This is just another one
of your mind games.

What are you talking about?
You saw

how focused I was
on the drawing, so you got Bruce

to trick me into thinking
he could help.

All because Jenna stopped
letting you eat people food.

If I was working with Bruce,
why wouldn't I just ask Bruce

to buy the meatballs for me?
Oh, wait,

I'm sure you have the perfect
explanation for that, too.

Uh, because Bruce and I
are both banned from Vincenzo's.

Yeah, that's it.

Mate...

I'm on your side.

And I'm telling you,

I know Bruce.

And I know my testicles.

This will work.

Hmm.

So I'm thinking we should
maybe get three meatballs.

You know, in case we drop one.

Why not four?

Totally. Better
to be safe than sorry.

Maybe we should just get a dozen.
Dude, seriously, it's like

you're reading my mind
right now.

By the way, this is the longest
way ever to Vincenzo's.

Wait, we're not near
Vincenzo's.

Ryan, what's going on?

Sorry, Wilfred, but this
is the only way.

Ryan?! Ryan!

Ryan!

You weren't kidding.

- He's a handful.
- Ryan!

He put up quite
a fight at first.

But after we sedated him,

the ear cleaning
couldn't have gone smoother.

Thanks, Doctor.

Who's the master
of mind games now?

Shh...

What's happening?
Shh.

Oh.

You're okay, Wilfred. Shh.

No. No, no, no!

No...!

It was the only way, Wilfred.

Well, I couldn't risk
missing out on answers--

the answers-- for some
meatball switcheroo.

Ryan, you idiot,
there were never any answers!

But Bruce said...

Bruce was lying!

He was in it
for the meatballs, same as me!

Vincenzo banned us
from the deli,

just like I told you
sarcastically.

Oh, my beautiful,
little poppy seeds.

Wilfred, listen, I...

How could you do this to me?

I mean, sure, Bruce and I
were mind-gaming you, but...

this is worse than anything
I ever did to you.

I know. That-that's why I...
And I've done some awful, awful things to you.

Registering you

as a sex offender
in the state of Oregon?

Putting fake blood stains
on the ass of your shorts

just before you go bike riding?

You have done some
awful, awful things to me.

But this!

Everything else pales
in comparison.

I know.

I'm really sorry it
turned out this way.

No, it's okay.

Now that I have no balls,

it's kind of hard
to stay angry at you.

I've heard that some dogs,

once they're neutered,
they start to... change.

Do you think I will change?

It's possible.

Oh!

God, I hate it
when I get like this.

My emotions are just,
like, all over the place.

No, no, no. The doctor said
to wait at least 24 hours.

Oh, shit! I forgot
this toy store was here.

Sorry. God, it must be tough

to look at all these fresh,
untouched stuffed animals

now that your sex drive's gone.

I-I'd take you inside, but...

This bag is majorly cute, Ryan.

I can totally see
you carrying that

with my head sticking
out the top of it.

Hey, you!

You look good.

Did you lose weight?

We're totally hanging out
for brunch soon, okay?

She is so fat.

Wilfred, don't you want to check
out that toy store back there?

Uh, yuck! My ears are, like,
totally having a bad moment.

Okay, I really think
you should come see that store.

Wow.

Seriously, it's
moments like this

that I'm glad I no longer
have testosterone.

Men are from Mars.

Everyone knows
store lighting can't be trusted,

especially when you have
a non-traditional figure.

So, try it on now.

Ew, I'm not changing
in front of you.

Wilfred, I have to tell you something.
Wait.

Come tell me if you think
this sweater is totally fierce.

And be honest!

Wilfred?

Oh, fabulous.

You're awake.

So...

All numbed up, are we?

What the hell is going on?!

Shh, relax. See,

the thing is, well, as
you know, I've changed.

For the better, I think.

But you're still the same
old macho, manly man.

And if we're gonna stay
best friends, well...

I'm sorry, Ryan.

Wilfred, let me go!

We're gonna be such bitches!

No, no, no, no, no! Wilfred, I
didn't really have you neutered!

Everything you're feeling,
is only psychosomatic!

But you did have my ears
cleaned, which is bad enough.

Wait. So, you...

Of course I knew.

I warned you, Ryan.

Never try to mind-game
the master.

Not to mention, pretending
to neuter your best friend?

That's like the worst thing
a guy can do to another guy.

Not cool!
But you started it!

It doesn't matter! You
punched me in the nuts!

Which reminds me.

Oh, come on!

You got me harder
than I got you!

Aah!

Oh, what is this,
a dick punch fight?

Oh, God!
Oh!

Look at us, Ryan.

At each other's throats, messing
with each other's heads.

How did it come to this?

Or more importantly,

who would want it
to come to this?

Bruce.
Bruce.

God, it all makes sense.

He knew we'd start
mind-gaming each other.

I bet he's laughing
his ass off right now.

So, this was all just a game.

He totally played us.

Not yet.

This game's not over.

Come on in, Ryan.

I'm surprised
you got here this soon.

We got to do this quick.

Deb just ran out to get Tammy

at oboe practice.
They're coming back here,

we're gonna watch
Biggest Loser together.

Are you okay, buddy?

Oh, Wilfred and I sort
of had a little fight.

Did you now?

Wow. That's a shame.

Two amigos fighting like that.

Well, here they are.

I got them.

I didn't think
you had it in you, Ryan.

Whoa!

You be sure and tell Wilfred
he can come over here

any time he wants and take a look at these.
Actually...

there was a complication
with the surgery.

What kind of complication?
He...

He didn't make it.

Bullshit.

No, no, no, no.

Wilfred can't die, Ryan.

That's not how this works!

But you... you wanted
to hurt him, right?

You said he was a bad dog.

Yeah.

Hurt him.
I didn't want him killed!

Oh, my God.

Don't you get it?

Without Wilfred,

I got no purpose!

Oh, my God!

I'm nothin'!

Well, at least
you have Deb and Tammy.

Deb and Tammy-- shit!

I can't believe it!

Goddamn it!

This is over.

It's over.

Holy shit! Bruce!

Oh, Jesus.

No! No! No!

No!

Hi, Ryan.

Boom!

Mind-gamed, bitch!

Gotcha!

You're insane!

Uh, insane in the membrane.

Yeah. You know what?

I can't believe
you made fun of me

for taking that special effects
class at the Learning Annex.

You guys

are psychopaths.

No! No, it was just

a prank, Ryan.
When Wilfred told me

that you were gonna try

and put one over on me,
I couldn't resist.

I even got him
to buy the meatballs

after all.

I do love me
some Vincenzo's meatballs.

I thought you were my friend, Wilfred.
I am your friend.

That's why I had to teach you
a valuable lesson.

Never try and mind-game
the masters of mind games.

You cannot win.

What's the matter, Wilfred?

Does it taste a little nutty?

N-No.

But there's no way you...?

Stole a pair of dog testicles
from the biological waste bin

at the vet earlier today 'cause
I figured you'd double-cross me?

No, I couldn't possibly do that.

How could I mind-game
the masters of mind-games?

Let me get this straight.

I'm not gonna be dining

on Vincenzo's
gourmet meatballs today?

Goddamn it!

I went through all this shit

for zero meatballs?!

Get the hell out
of my house, Ryan!

Get out of my house, Wilfred!

Get out! Take that damn
dog testicle with you.

Ryan, I've got to say,

I was impressed back there.

Good game.

You're not mad at me for
making you eat a dog testicle?

Well, actually, it was tastier
than one might think.

I swiped the other one
on my way out.

I'm saving it for
later tonight.

Oh, shit!

Did I leave that on
for three days?

I'll admit, it was nice to get
away from this for a while.

Games are always a
good distraction.

Uh, it's Kristen's
drawing, but...

I saw myself making it.

I saw myself...

drawing the blue barn.

Well, may-maybe
that's all I drew,

but why would I...?

Oh, I can't find
anything on the symbol.

Have you learnt nothing, Ryan?

I mean, how did you even find it
in the first place?

You need some distance.

Serious question:

If you knew that you
could get away with it,

would you rape... someone?

No. Of course not.

You know, I'm like-like
talking about,

like, say, if you knew there
was, like, zero chance

that you could get caught,
like, would you...

rape... someone?

Under no circumstance
would I ever do that.

Nah, me, neither.