Wilfred (2011–2014): Season 3, Episode 11 - Stagnation - full transcript

Here, boy.

Ryan! Ryan, help me!

Water! Water!

Oh!

Oh...!

Oh...

Oh.

Oh, man, my penis is in
bad shape right now.

I can barely stand up straight.

That glory hole
shit out there...

that... was... beautiful.



Pussy without a name
or face or personality

is the perfect kind of pussy.

I think Anne wants to move out.

Really?

Well, I have managed
to lick off every morsel

of biological detritus
her body has to offer.

So maybe it's time.

No, it sucks.

We get along great.

She hasn't threatened
my relationship with you,

plus her rent has given me
the time to figure out

what I actually want
to do with my life.

Now I'm gonna feel
all this pressure

to get a job right away.



You know, sometimes
pressure's a good thing.

I've been pressured into
every job I've ever had.

I'm just gonna end up
doing something I hate.

Okay, so we already know
you don't want to be

an evil-type lawyer again.

So let's start from there.

Wait-- I thought you hated
the idea of me getting a job.

Under normal
circumstances, sure.

But you're stuck in a rut.

And I'm worried about you.

True or false?

Last Wednesday, you went online
and purchased a Lego

do-it-yourself medieval
market village.

So what?
Legos are not for adults!

I canceled the order.

All you do is sit around
and sleep and eat.

Yeah, and I also roll around
in goose shit.

Look, I'm already in touch
with a recruiter.

I'm gonna set up a meeting
right now.

If you're on
the Legos Web site,

you are a creepy
man-child.

Oh, you're burning down!

That was awesome!

Oh, my God.
You were right.

Those fitness games I was
playing are boring as shit

compared to "The Haunted
Catacombs of Gjorganthaal."

See?!
What?

Wait-- why are you pausing it?

Didn't you have
to be somewhere at 2:00?

Yeah, I was supposed to meet
with this recruiter,

but I rescheduled it.

My résumé needs some tweaking

I hope you didn't reschedule it
for Monday,

because I have a surprise.

I'm treating us to massages.

It's just a thank you
for being my date

to Erica's dinner party
last week.

It would have been super
depressing being

the only single person there.

Yeah, I'm-I'm not sure I can...
Now don't worry!

I'm still working the
Internet dating sites.

And as soon as I find
a guy who's not making

that annoying squinty sex face

in his profile picture,
you're off the hook.

No, no, no, it's not that.

I just don't think
I can make the massage.

I should probably stick
with this job hunt for a while

until I get something.

Really? Bummer.

Kind of enjoyed being
"funemployed" together.

Yeah, well, I found out
Anne's looking for a new place.

And there's no way I can pay
the bills without her rent.

Why is she leaving?

You haven't asked her?

If I were you, I'd do whatever
it takes to keep her there.

You're right.

I'll talk to her.

Oh. Good morning.

Hey.

So, um...

I-I-I don't know how to
ask this without asking.

Are-Are you thinking
of moving out?

Okay, I was gonna
tell you eventually.

You know how my boyfriend's

in jail for head butting
his aunt?

I-I didn't know those details.

Well, before he got sentenced,

he made this, like, investment
for when he got out.

He bought this purebred
English bulldog

to start a breeding business.

His mom's watching Phil,
that's the dog's name,

but she's moving to Boston,
so offered to take the dog.

And I just figured
with Wilfred around,

two dogs in the house
would just make your life crazy.

No! No, no, no!
Not at all.

Really?

Seriously, it's not a problem.

Phil is totally welcome
to come live here.

Oh, my God,
that is so awesome!

If I didn't have a boyfriend,

I would totally suck
your nuts right now.

So, just when I finally
neutralized

the Jelly Beans threat,

you invite this bulldog
to come and live with us?!

There's only so much dog poon
to go around!

And you know this Phil guy's
gonna be creeping up

on the neighborhood glory hole!

That shit is locals only!

It's, like, go back
to the Val, kook!

Wilfred, you don't even live
here-- you're my guest.

Anne has a right
to have guests, too.

What the hell are you doing?!

Drawing a line in the sand.

Phil can stay on his side,
I'll stay on my side.

Wilfred, stop!

Fine. Then I suppose
I'll have to resort

to more drastic measures.

Wait-- what are you gonna do?

I'm gonna get my squeaky ball

and leave it on
the living room floor

where Phil can see it.

Then, when our little friend
goes to play with it,

I'll simply...

snatch... it... back.

Guess I can't stop you.

Welcome to your new home!

Hey.

So this must be Phil.

Why is he wearing a diaper?

Phil's short for "Phyllis."

So...

She's in heat right now.

Sorry. I didn't know
till I picked her up.

So we should keep her
and Wilfred apart.

You know how crazy
male dogs get

when they smell
a bitch in heat.

Is this still cool with you?

'Cause if not, I can totally...

What? No, no, no, no!

Of course, it's totally cool.

Thanks. I really appreciate
this, Ryan.

Don't worry about it.

Like I said, it won't be
a problem at all.

Oh, my God...

she's beautiful, Ryan.

Sculpted by
the hands of angels.

You didn't even see her.

I didn't have to.

I'm in love.

♪ I know
it might sound foolish ♪

♪ When I write
to you this song ♪

♪ But the rings of love
from heaven ♪

♪ Washed away all
that was wrong ♪

♪ Because looking at you
is like drinking a moonbeam ♪

♪ In the darkness
of my lonely night ♪

♪ And the sun from your heart
is shining down on me, baby ♪

♪ All right?

♪ And I'm dreaming of you
tonight. ♪

Sorry; the music just kind
of poured out of me.

I guess that's what happens

when love slaps you around
like a little ho.

I can't wait
for Phyllis to hear it.

It's not gonna happen, Wilfred.

Look, I know you're worried,
'cause now I'm in love,

we're not gonna hang out
as much.

But you've always been
my best friend.

Which is why I'd like
you to have this.

It's my little black book.

I won't be needing it anymore.

Are these urine stains?

Contact information
from my former slut stable.

I was a different dog then.

Which reminds me.

I no longer have any use...

for my vampire dick sucker.

Oh, Fangsy, we really had
ourselves quite a time.

Where is Phyllis?

Locked up in Anne's room,
where you can't get to her.

Ryan, no door can stand
in the way of love.

Unless it's, like, a door-door.

Does it have a doorknob?

Dude!

Wilfred, you're not in love.

You're just responding
to her pheromones.

And you're just
tearing us apart,

so you can keep Anne
as a cash cow.

Phyllis is in heat, and you're
an unneutered male dog.

You could get her pregnant.

And the only litter
that she's supposed to have

is with another
purebred bulldog.

Are you saying that my moonbeam
and the darkness

of my lonely night
is promised to another?

Sort of.
Anne's boyfriend's a breeder.

But that's insane!

If it's another bulldog,
then he could be her brother

or her cousin
or a distant uncle at best!

How would you feel

if that's how humans
were forced to procreate?!

It's different.
We're human.

Okay, may-maybe... maybe
that came out wrong.

You're a Nazi!

You're a goddamn Nazi!

Don't you even try
to get between us, Ryan.

You can't stop love!

♪ Love is a freight train
comin' down the track ♪

♪ You can't stop it
'cause you can't ♪

♪ Turn your back on love

♪ Love is a wrecking ball!

Oh, Phyllis,

your kisses taste so sweet

and your pores smell
like corn chips.

Oh, my deep tissue is thanking

the shit out of you right now.

Glad you found it relaxing.

By the way, you two make
a really cute couple.

Oh.

Why did you tell the
masseuse we're a couple?

'Cause the couple's massage came

with a free bottle of wine.

So, how'd it go with Anne?

Great.

I talked to her like you said

and we worked everything out.

To "funemployment."

So what do you want
to do tonight?

Korean barbeque or we...

Oh, shit.
Is it Monday?

I'm supposed to go
with Jessica to a party tonight

at some rich
ophthalmologist's house.

I guess it's remotely possible
I could meet someone.

No worries.
We'll hang out later.

I'm gonna get dressed and
head home for a long nap.

So, how are you feeling today?

It's weird.

I woke up and I don't
know how to explain it,

but something deep in
my heart had changed.

It's like all the love
I felt for Phyllis

is now suddenly gone.

That does happen sometimes.

You can fall out of love just
as quickly as you fell into it.

Huh, you know,
I don't even care

if she ends up with
another bulldog.

Hell, maybe they'd be
better off together.

Well...

breeding is done for a reason.

Mating a purebred
with another purebred

keeps things... pure.

Yeah.

I got to admit, now that
my mind is no longer lost

in the fog of love,
it's starting to make sense.

I mean, you mix up the breeds,
who knows what you're gonna get?

Exactly.

Like, take Joffrey here.

Wait...

- What?
- Well, he-he's the product

of a white mother
and a Mexican father.

He's a mutt, just like me.

It's different
with people, Wilfred.

Joffrey's fine.

Joffrey and I
are both mongrels.

We're mistakes.

Now, I-I wouldn't say you're...

No, no, no, you're
totally right.

Just imagine a world

where all of the bloodlines
were kept pure--

a perfect world where
there were no mistakes.

That's that job recruiter.

You going to that meeting
with her tomorrow, right?

I don't know.

I mean, now that Anne's staying,
what's the rush?

Ryan, if this whole Phyllis
ordeal has taught me anything,

it's that it feels good
to move on with your life.

On to bigger and better things.

Hmm.

Hendler-Greer specializes
in green energy

and they're looking
for a junior partner.

Well, actually I'm sort of
leaning towards nonprofit.

Okay.

Well, have you heard
of New Horizons?

They're a nonprofit
that provides legal counsel

for victims of domestic abuse.

Yeah, that-that sounds great.

But I worry that it's
a little too outside

of my area of expertise.

Sorry, I...

I guess I'm kind
of a challenge.

It's okay.

I like a challenge.

I'm sure, if we work together
long enough,

I'll find something
that'll pique your interest.

Uh...

I-I don't understand.

Are you ready to get
your dick sucked, Ryan?

Oh!

Wh-What's going on?

I've been doing a little
pure-breeding of my own, mate.

I think I'll name
your baby Rysten.

Wilfred!

Get back here!

Shit.

It's Kristen, leave a message.

Hey, uh, I-I don't know

if you're still taking your nap,
but I'm gonna be

in your neighborhood,
so I thought I'd drop by.

See you soon.

Kristen.

Kristen!

Kristen, where are you?

- I'm at your place.
- My place?

When I couldn't find my phone,
I realized

I must've left it here
earlier today.

Or perhaps someone stole it.

Wilfred's there?

Yeah, he was here
when I came in.

Breeding a brother
with his sister

can only result in perfect...

Get away from him, Kristen.

I'll be right there.

Hey, Ryan.
Wilfred, get out of there.

- Ow!
- What are you doing?

Uh, I have to take him out.

Please, tell me
you didn't do it.

You mean extract your semen
and inseminate your sister

so she can give birth
to a purebred Newman?

Of course I didn't.
I'm not that sick and twisted.

I just wanted you
to think I would,

so you can see what it's
like to almost get bred.

What?! Why?

All that fear and
disgust you just felt?

That's exactly what
Phyllis is feeling.

Instead of being
with the one dog

she actually cares about-- me.

We should be making tender,
passionate love right now,

stuck ass-to-ass with
my dick bent backwards

between my legs in
excruciating pain

under the stars.

What? I thought
you were over Phyllis.

What? Because of this?

You knew? How?

I went on your iPad to change
my relationship status

to "It's complicated,"

and I saw the Web site
on your browser.

So you knowingly tortured me
'cause you still

think you're in love?

For the last time,
I am in love.

With someone who's destined

to boned by her
own family member.

So, what? Dogs don't care if
they have sex with a relative.

Not if we don't get
a say in the matter.

I chose to have sex
with my sister

and my aunt and my grandfather.

Making me think
I've impregnated my sister

isn't even in the same ballpark
as dog breeding.

How did you come up
with this insane plan?

It's obvious.

I got it from Kristen.

Well, she's basically

been playing house
with you lately.

Treating her brother
like her husband.

What are you talking about?

She keeps using you as a crutch

the same way you keep
using Anne.

Phyllis!

We will be together one day.

I promise!

Hey.

I was thinking

since I'm already here,
we might as well order in;

watch a movie.

Still haven't seen
Django Unchained.

What? I-I thought

you were going to that party
with your girlfriends tonight.

I'll just cancel-- honestly
I'm just not really in the mood

to get dressed up
and deal with that whole scene.

Yeah, I think you
should go to that party.

Look, I know it must be hard.

After your divorce,
getting back out there.

It's daunting, but...

I don't, I don't think
it's good to, you know,

become so dependent on this
comfortable thing we've got.

I know.

You're right.

For what it's worth,

I'm doing the exact same
thing with this job search.

It's like... what
if I get rejected?

What if I fail?

But I guess, at a certain point,
it's more dangerous

to not move forward
with your life.

Uh, is that a fanged
blow job giver?

Um...

So, I asked Anne
to move out this morning.

I've been putting off
getting a job for too long.

It's a good thing,
mate-- trust me.

Although, as you know,
if Phyllis leaves,

then I'll have to
leave with her,

because I will follow her
to the ends of the earth

until the end of time.

Yeah, and...
I've been thinking.

Maybe some of what you said
about breeding is true.

Thank you, Ryan;
I appreciate that.

In good time,
you, too, will see

that Phyllis and I
truly are soul mates,

and that our love will
one day transcend...

Oh, my God!

Who is that disgusting
pig-like creature?

That's Phyllis.
No way.

That's a butter everything.

She's basically the
dog version of Natalie

from The Facts of Life.
Yeah.

I'm telling you,
Wilfred, that's her.

Really?
Yeah.

And, look, she's no longer
wearing a diaper

because she's probably
no longer in heat...

which is why you're probably
no longer in love.

No... I just think she looks
different in the daylight.

Right.

Again, I'm really sorry that it
didn't work out with the dogs.

It just got a little
too crazy with Wilfred.

Oh, I totally understand, Ryan.
It's for the best.

And Northern California
will be nice,

and I'll be closer
to my boyfriend.

Well, his prison.

Take care.

You, too. It's been fun.

Sorry. There was a line
at the glory hole.

And then this Chihuahua
got stuck,

and his whole body was just,
like, dangling there.

Oh. Did I miss the good-byes?

Yeah.

Well, I'm sure
I'll see Anne again one day.

I look forward to meeting
her future son, Andrew.

Andrew?

Why would she name her son An...

...drew?