Wilfred (2011–2014): Season 3, Episode 9 - Confrontation - full transcript
Wilfred crashes Christmas and pits Ryan against his family.
Thank you for hosting
Christmas dinner tomorrow night,
by the way.
You didn't give me much choice.
Hey, you're the one who
has to watch Wilfred.
And there's no way he's
coming back to my place.
Last time, he did that, like,
fish juice thing on my carpets.
Are you nervous?
No.
Really?
You and Dad haven't seen each
other in almost two years.
I just saw Dad a month ago
at the grocery store.
We had a little chat
over some champagne.
Very funny.
Don't worry.
The therapy really helped.
I'm going into this
with an open mind.
Good.
Also, I have a little surprise.
Um, Mom's insane asylum is...
It's not an insane asylum.
It has, like... ducks.
Fine. Her duck sanctuary is
allowing her five hours
of supervised visitation
tomorrow night.
So, for the first
time in years,
the whole family is
gonna be together.
Look, it's not gonna
be a cakewalk,
but I want Joffrey to have
a normal holiday experience,
which means being surrounded
by his entire family.
Fine. But if Mom and Dad
start fighting,
I'm putting Joffrey in one
of their laps to distract them.
You want to use my baby?
That's genius.
Hey!
Fancy meeting you guys here!
I'm sorry.
No dogs allowed.
I'm just...
Sorry.
Yeah. It's cool.
I'll just... mail
my Christmas list to Santa.
Want to hear
what I'm asking for?
Sure.
A Big Wheel,
so I can drag
Santa's severed head
through the streets of Venice.
A Darth Vader action figure,
so I can stick that plastic,
tiny, little lightsaber
into Santa's urethra.
A catcher's mitt, so I can make
cruel comparisons
to Mrs. Claus's vagina.
Why do you hate Santa so much?
Santa is the mailman
on steroids.
I mean, this guy comes
into your house--
into your house-- leaves
packages covered with his scent,
calls you "ho" three times.
Keep in mind, this is a guy
who has sex with reindeer.
Wilfred, you realize
that Santa isn't r...
Isn't ready to get
his ass beat?
Yeah, I know.
That diabetic blobmeister
doesn't have the balls
to show his face
when Wilfred's in the house!
Yeah, what's up, tits?!
Wilfred!
I'm not gonna do nothing
while your goons
are around.
Yeah, we're cool.
We're cool.
Wilfred! No!
I'm sorry.
You see how that
could be confusing.
God.
Are you okay, mate?
Y-You seem anxious.
I'm just worried about tonight.
I-I was prepared
to deal with my dad,
but Mom and Dad together?
You and your mum get along great.
Yeah,
but when my parents fight,
she's like a loose cannon.
I just don't want her to say
a bunch of stuff about me
in front of my dad.
Like what?
Like why I quit his firm.
How I tried to kill myself.
Maybe it's time your dad
found out how much
he screwed you up.
I mean, you've always said
he's a manipulative bully.
Now's your chance
to stand up to him.
Perhaps in the form of
a "Beat It" style knife fight.
I can't do that.
Sure you can.
Just lock your arms together,
hold your knives up,
and then dance your ass off.
Look, standing up to my dad
is not gonna help
us start over.
All I want is to get
through this evening
with as little stress
as possible.
Say no more. I'll stop
badgering you about your dad.
Besides, Christmas is a time
for families to come together
to share yuletide joy.
And, yeah, I mean,
Jenna and Drew did go back
to Wisconsin without me, but...
I'm excited about spending
Christmas with you!
And being a part
of your family.
Uh, actually...
with my mom coming now,
would you mind hanging out
in the basement?
B-But it's-it's not Christmas
without Wilfred.
Would it help if I said
that there was an eighth
of Silver Haze down there?
A-And-and the DVD player's
already loaded up
with Jingle All the Way?
It helps.
That's probably Dad.
Um, here, here.
Let me stir that
while you get the door.
Ryan, you're gonna have
to see Dad eventually.
♪ On the first day
of Christmas ♪
♪ My true love gave to me
a partridge ♪
♪ In a pear...
Thanks, but now's not a good time.
Dick!
Oh...
Shit!
Well, just relax.
It's just flour.
Sorry.
I-I'm just a little on edge
about seeing Dad, I guess.
If it makes you
feel any better,
I'm nervous, too.
I saw a strange Indian couple
assaulting people
with what may have been
Christmas carols,
so to avoid them,
I-I went around back.
I hope you don't mind
that I let myself in.
Merry Christmas, Daddy!
Merry Christmas, pumpkin.
Mmm. Is that a... new perfume?
No, but I can get a new perfume.
Should I? I-I should.
Oh. I've got to put the potatoes in.
Uh, potatoes au gratin--
your favorite, right, Dad?
Well...
So...
How have you been?
Good, yeah.
You seem like you're...
doing better.
I am.
Kristen tells me
you have a roommate.
Yeah. Uh, sh-she's spending
the holidays with some friends.
Excuse me.
No, I've got it.
Merry Christmas, poopy pants!
Well, I know
you're all grown-up, but I will
always think of you that way.
Hello, Catherine.
Henry.
Hey, you!
Mom.
I don't know why I'm so excited.
It's only been a couple of
weeks since I've seen you.
Ryan comes to visit me
every single month.
That's nice. Who's your friend?
Oh. This is Andre,
my date for the night.
Hands off, Desdemona.
Mom.
Actually,
I'm the caretaker assigned
to accompany your mother
tonight.
It's complicated.
It's not complicated at all.
I'm gonna wait in the car.
No, no. Come in.
It's Christmas.
I'm a Buddhist.
- Sorry about that!
- I don't know why
your father feels like he has
to apologize for me.
It's not like I'm
his property anymore.
No. Your mother's right, Ryan.
Andre wasn't
at all uncomfortable
when she said they were dating.
He's probably running out
to the car to get
the engagement ring.
Uh-oh.
Somebody wants to see
his Grammy and Pop-pop.
It's my little
Joff muffin.
Oh!
Careful with his head.
Oh, but my whole plan was
to let his little neck
bend all the way back.
Oh, I got you, Joffrey.
Oh, you're not
a Pez dispenser, are you?
Be careful, Joff muffin,
once Pop-Pop gets you
in his loving clutches,
- he will never let you go. Like, never.
- Oh!
Look at him smile.
It's so cute, right?
Uncle Ryan knows all about
getting caught
in Pop-Pop's loving clutches,
doesn't he?
What is that?
Merry Christmas, everybody!
You're not
supposed to be here.
Well, you said Wilfred wasn't
allowed at your dinner,
but you didn't say anything
about Santa's reindeer!
That is so cute, Ryan!
Who's the pretty girl?
Girl? Do you not see this penis
right here?
Uh, no, that's actually
a gumdrop stuck on my fur.
His name is Wilfred.
Sorry. I'll just put him back
in the other room
so he won't be a distraction.
Oh, no, no, no,
let Wilfred stay.
He's not hurting anybody.
Well...
I guess it wouldn't be Christmas
without Wilfred.
Now that's the spirit.
Look at him go!
Oh, man, getting tangled up
in Christmas lights
is a workout.
Okay, that is
not ice-cold Gatorade.
I should not have done that.
Your dad is exactly how
I pictured him:
pure evil.
He even looks like Michael Vick.
Actually, he's been
surprisingly okay tonight.
Listen,
I-I've been thinking.
You were right.
Christmas is a time for family
and yuletide joy.
Cut the figgy pudding.
I know you're only using me
to distract your parents
from fighting.
Well, then why are you still
playing along?
I'm not playing along.
I keeps it Christmasy, Ryan.
So, are you going to keep
keeping it Christmasy?
Sure. I'll give you the gift
of keeping mom and dad jolly.
But in return,
I want something from you.
The gift of being
part of your family.
That's it?
Sure.
Oh, mm-mm.
The meds.
Ooh, Ryan, is that a cabernet?
Because, you know,
Dad only drinks Bordeaux.
I picked up bottle this morning.
The one in the kitchen?
The 2003?
Not a good year?
No...
I can get you a beer instead.
I'm fine, pumpkin.
Pumpkin?
Okay, just so I understand,
your dad nicknamed his daughter
after the scent of her vagina?
Cool!
Ah, thanks, Mom!
Can you, uh, toss us
the butter as well, please?
Should we be feeding
the dog human food?
Okay, Henry. Hmm.
I don't think we should be
taking dog advice
from your father.
Why is that?
Um, maybe because you used
to kick Sneakers.
I didn't kick him,
Catherine. I shoved him
gently with my foot
to teach him not to beg
just like the trainer taught us.
Uh, okay.
I guess I-I should have let him
drink strawberry milk
instead of water
so he'd have
terrible, chronic gas.
You did that?
That's so beautiful.
Oh maybe you just didn't take
to Sneakers
because he wasn't
obedient enough.
He didn't follow commands.
Speaking of Sneakers...
remember that one Christmas
when Sneakers snuck downstairs
and ate all of Santa's cookies?
Shit! Go, Sneakers.
Was that that same Christmas
that Ryan got that
electric guitar he wanted?
Oh, no. Wait.
He didn't get the guitar.
What did you give him, Henry?
Oh, yeah.
An engraved Tiffany pen.
A pen.
Track 12.
Hey, how about some music?
♪ Deck the halls
with boughs of holly ♪
♪ Fa, la-la, la-la,
la-la, la-la... ♪
It's like he's trying to sing.
Trying. Uh, was Oates trying?
Hey, careful.
We're taking a family photo
after dinner,
and you know how easily
you get droopy drunk face.
Oh. Family photo.
I'm assuming I'll be in it, uh,
since I'm part of the family?
Ryan, he already ruined
Joffrey's photo with Santa.
I know, but it'd
mean a lot to me.
Fine. We'll take two photos.
But you know what
would mean a lot to me?
If you didn't have
wine mouth right now.
Sorry I'm late.
I was deciding between this
and a leather harness,
but, honestly,
the harness seemed
a little too S&M-y
for Christmas.
Are we-we
good to go?
Okay, we're gonna take
one official
family photo, and then,
one weird random photo
for Ryan's neighbor's dog
that I'm going to delete
the second after
I e-mail it to Ryan.
I'm not in the official
family photo?
It's okay.
Don't worry, Ryan.
Ryan, your log
still burns bright.
Ryan?
You're gonna love it.
I use mine every day.
Oh, thanks, Mom.
Looks like there's
one more gift under the tree.
Oh.
"To the Newman family."
Who's it from?
Ooh!
A mystery gift.
Oh, yeah.
Shall I open it?
Mm-hmm.
Look at that.
The whole family.
All together.
Why are you smirking like that?
Wait. Is this from you?
What?
Okay.
I get it. That's... me,
crazy Catherine,
standing between you
and your perfect little family,
tearing it apart.
Catherine, I didn't do it.
Okay, well,
you are the one that
tore this family apart, Henry,
because you're the one
who made me crazy!
Catherine, please, calm down.
Uh, hey, look, look, Wilfred's
playing with the, um...
Mm, I will not stand by
and let you do to Ryan
what you did to me!
Ryan, I think we should get
your mother's nurse.
Tell them, Ryan.
Tell them how...
how-how he broke you down
so-so you didn't even
feel human anymore,
and how you... how you felt
like the only way out was...
was to just take
your own life...
Mom, enough! Shut up!
All you've been doing all night
is-is bringing up the past
and starting shit with Dad.
This was supposed
to be a special night
to celebrate Joffrey's
first Christmas with his family,
and now you've completely
ruined it!
So much for your
Christmas spirit.
What are you talking about?
Just 'cause you weren't
allowed in one photo, you had
to sabotage Christmas
with that drawing?
Of course not, Ryan.
Sure, I was hurt,
but I put that under the tree
before anyone even arrived.
It was an actual gift
meant to thank you all
for letting me be part
of your family tonight.
How was I supposed to know
any of that was gonna happen
back there?
In any normal family,
a drawing like that would have
brought everyone together.
Yeah, well,
with a Mom like Catherine,
this is what happens.
Come on, Ryan.
You know tonight
wasn't your mom's fault.
Then whose?
My dad's?
He's been nothing
but calm and polite.
It's my mom
who's been starting everything.
So you haven't noticed him
pushing her buttons all night?
Apologizing to her nurse
for her?
Criticizing the way
she holds Joffrey
or the way she fed me?
Smirking at the drawing?
The guy's a manipulative bully.
But what does he have to gain?
What he's always wanted:
control over you.
I mean, it's obvious how close
you and your mom have gotten.
He had to find a way to
tear you apart.
I mean,
this whole night has been
yet another giant manipulation,
Henry Newman style.
Kristen and the nurse
are with your mother.
It's been a while since
I've seen her this bad.
I hope she's okay.
Do you?
Or-or maybe you've been
taunting her all night,
trying to get a rise out of her.
Maybe you wanted this to happen.
Of course not.
Tonight was a mistake.
I-I never should have agreed
to see you again.
Not until I was ready
to tell you how I really feel.
Ryan, if you need
to say something...
I've needed to say something
to you for the last 20 years.
I became a lawyer
before you even let me consider
what I might actually
want to do with my life.
I never meant to force
you into anything.
You could have always
told me the truth.
And disappoint you? No, no.
I saw firsthand what happens
to people who disappoint you.
I saw what happened to Mom.
Ryan...
Working for you was so toxic.
Do you want to know why I quit?
Because I knew that
if I stayed there any longer,
it'd kill me.
Oh.
It nearly did.
What are you saying?
I tried to kill myself.
Oh, my God.
I...
I don't know what to say.
Look, I swear, I wasn't trying
to provoke your mother tonight.
But everything you said
about your experience at
the firm is probably true.
Ryan,
if I'd known my behavior
would have this effect on you,
that it would push you to...
However I need to change...
I'll change.
I just can't go another two
years without you in my life.
Mrs. Newman,
if you don't open the door
right this second, then...
no more Wasabi Funyuns
in the rec room.
All right, that shit's on you.
You know you're gonna want 'em.
Can I give it a try?
Good luck.
Mom, it's Ryan.
I'm sorry.
I shouldn't have said
that you ruined Christmas.
I don't actually think that.
Mom, are you listening?
You don't have to apologize.
It's my fault.
After all these
years, I just...
still haven't figured out
how to not let your father
get to me.
I know how you feel.
Ryan, Ryan,
this is the greatest Christmas
gift anyone's ever given me.
You're welcome.
Just get over there
before Kristen changes her mind.
Where's Dad?
I don't know,
but I do know where Santa is!
You can come out now!
Santa's here?
Oh, shit is about to get real!
Ho! Ho! Ho!
Merry...
Oh, no! Wilfred!
- Get him outside!
- Oh!
Dripping on the stairs.
Ryan.
Oh!
Despite the drama,
it was a good Christmas.
And I feel like maybe my dad
and I can finally--
I don't know-- start over.
So you believed him?
What do you mean?
Maybe your dad upset your mom
because he knew
you'd confront him
and reconcile.
That way, he gets you back
in his clutches.
No, I can't think
like that anymore.
By the way, so annoying
that I got that stomach virus
right before I was about to rip
out that Santa bitch's weave.
Listen, I-I think it's time
someone told you the truth.
Santa isn't real.
What?
Because no one else can see him,
that means he isn't real?
No glass allowed at Clouds.
Right. Thanks, and namaste.
Bye.
Oh. Merry Christmas, Mom.
You, too. We never did
find out where
that came from tonight, did we?
Oh.
Um, well, actually,
it-it was from me.
I found it in a box
of my old things
from when I was a kid.
Oh. Well, this isn't
your drawing.
You were a little more
spontaneous than that.
At least until your father
stomped your imagination
to death.
Then, who drew it?
Kristen.
Christmas dinner tomorrow night,
by the way.
You didn't give me much choice.
Hey, you're the one who
has to watch Wilfred.
And there's no way he's
coming back to my place.
Last time, he did that, like,
fish juice thing on my carpets.
Are you nervous?
No.
Really?
You and Dad haven't seen each
other in almost two years.
I just saw Dad a month ago
at the grocery store.
We had a little chat
over some champagne.
Very funny.
Don't worry.
The therapy really helped.
I'm going into this
with an open mind.
Good.
Also, I have a little surprise.
Um, Mom's insane asylum is...
It's not an insane asylum.
It has, like... ducks.
Fine. Her duck sanctuary is
allowing her five hours
of supervised visitation
tomorrow night.
So, for the first
time in years,
the whole family is
gonna be together.
Look, it's not gonna
be a cakewalk,
but I want Joffrey to have
a normal holiday experience,
which means being surrounded
by his entire family.
Fine. But if Mom and Dad
start fighting,
I'm putting Joffrey in one
of their laps to distract them.
You want to use my baby?
That's genius.
Hey!
Fancy meeting you guys here!
I'm sorry.
No dogs allowed.
I'm just...
Sorry.
Yeah. It's cool.
I'll just... mail
my Christmas list to Santa.
Want to hear
what I'm asking for?
Sure.
A Big Wheel,
so I can drag
Santa's severed head
through the streets of Venice.
A Darth Vader action figure,
so I can stick that plastic,
tiny, little lightsaber
into Santa's urethra.
A catcher's mitt, so I can make
cruel comparisons
to Mrs. Claus's vagina.
Why do you hate Santa so much?
Santa is the mailman
on steroids.
I mean, this guy comes
into your house--
into your house-- leaves
packages covered with his scent,
calls you "ho" three times.
Keep in mind, this is a guy
who has sex with reindeer.
Wilfred, you realize
that Santa isn't r...
Isn't ready to get
his ass beat?
Yeah, I know.
That diabetic blobmeister
doesn't have the balls
to show his face
when Wilfred's in the house!
Yeah, what's up, tits?!
Wilfred!
I'm not gonna do nothing
while your goons
are around.
Yeah, we're cool.
We're cool.
Wilfred! No!
I'm sorry.
You see how that
could be confusing.
God.
Are you okay, mate?
Y-You seem anxious.
I'm just worried about tonight.
I-I was prepared
to deal with my dad,
but Mom and Dad together?
You and your mum get along great.
Yeah,
but when my parents fight,
she's like a loose cannon.
I just don't want her to say
a bunch of stuff about me
in front of my dad.
Like what?
Like why I quit his firm.
How I tried to kill myself.
Maybe it's time your dad
found out how much
he screwed you up.
I mean, you've always said
he's a manipulative bully.
Now's your chance
to stand up to him.
Perhaps in the form of
a "Beat It" style knife fight.
I can't do that.
Sure you can.
Just lock your arms together,
hold your knives up,
and then dance your ass off.
Look, standing up to my dad
is not gonna help
us start over.
All I want is to get
through this evening
with as little stress
as possible.
Say no more. I'll stop
badgering you about your dad.
Besides, Christmas is a time
for families to come together
to share yuletide joy.
And, yeah, I mean,
Jenna and Drew did go back
to Wisconsin without me, but...
I'm excited about spending
Christmas with you!
And being a part
of your family.
Uh, actually...
with my mom coming now,
would you mind hanging out
in the basement?
B-But it's-it's not Christmas
without Wilfred.
Would it help if I said
that there was an eighth
of Silver Haze down there?
A-And-and the DVD player's
already loaded up
with Jingle All the Way?
It helps.
That's probably Dad.
Um, here, here.
Let me stir that
while you get the door.
Ryan, you're gonna have
to see Dad eventually.
♪ On the first day
of Christmas ♪
♪ My true love gave to me
a partridge ♪
♪ In a pear...
Thanks, but now's not a good time.
Dick!
Oh...
Shit!
Well, just relax.
It's just flour.
Sorry.
I-I'm just a little on edge
about seeing Dad, I guess.
If it makes you
feel any better,
I'm nervous, too.
I saw a strange Indian couple
assaulting people
with what may have been
Christmas carols,
so to avoid them,
I-I went around back.
I hope you don't mind
that I let myself in.
Merry Christmas, Daddy!
Merry Christmas, pumpkin.
Mmm. Is that a... new perfume?
No, but I can get a new perfume.
Should I? I-I should.
Oh. I've got to put the potatoes in.
Uh, potatoes au gratin--
your favorite, right, Dad?
Well...
So...
How have you been?
Good, yeah.
You seem like you're...
doing better.
I am.
Kristen tells me
you have a roommate.
Yeah. Uh, sh-she's spending
the holidays with some friends.
Excuse me.
No, I've got it.
Merry Christmas, poopy pants!
Well, I know
you're all grown-up, but I will
always think of you that way.
Hello, Catherine.
Henry.
Hey, you!
Mom.
I don't know why I'm so excited.
It's only been a couple of
weeks since I've seen you.
Ryan comes to visit me
every single month.
That's nice. Who's your friend?
Oh. This is Andre,
my date for the night.
Hands off, Desdemona.
Mom.
Actually,
I'm the caretaker assigned
to accompany your mother
tonight.
It's complicated.
It's not complicated at all.
I'm gonna wait in the car.
No, no. Come in.
It's Christmas.
I'm a Buddhist.
- Sorry about that!
- I don't know why
your father feels like he has
to apologize for me.
It's not like I'm
his property anymore.
No. Your mother's right, Ryan.
Andre wasn't
at all uncomfortable
when she said they were dating.
He's probably running out
to the car to get
the engagement ring.
Uh-oh.
Somebody wants to see
his Grammy and Pop-pop.
It's my little
Joff muffin.
Oh!
Careful with his head.
Oh, but my whole plan was
to let his little neck
bend all the way back.
Oh, I got you, Joffrey.
Oh, you're not
a Pez dispenser, are you?
Be careful, Joff muffin,
once Pop-Pop gets you
in his loving clutches,
- he will never let you go. Like, never.
- Oh!
Look at him smile.
It's so cute, right?
Uncle Ryan knows all about
getting caught
in Pop-Pop's loving clutches,
doesn't he?
What is that?
Merry Christmas, everybody!
You're not
supposed to be here.
Well, you said Wilfred wasn't
allowed at your dinner,
but you didn't say anything
about Santa's reindeer!
That is so cute, Ryan!
Who's the pretty girl?
Girl? Do you not see this penis
right here?
Uh, no, that's actually
a gumdrop stuck on my fur.
His name is Wilfred.
Sorry. I'll just put him back
in the other room
so he won't be a distraction.
Oh, no, no, no,
let Wilfred stay.
He's not hurting anybody.
Well...
I guess it wouldn't be Christmas
without Wilfred.
Now that's the spirit.
Look at him go!
Oh, man, getting tangled up
in Christmas lights
is a workout.
Okay, that is
not ice-cold Gatorade.
I should not have done that.
Your dad is exactly how
I pictured him:
pure evil.
He even looks like Michael Vick.
Actually, he's been
surprisingly okay tonight.
Listen,
I-I've been thinking.
You were right.
Christmas is a time for family
and yuletide joy.
Cut the figgy pudding.
I know you're only using me
to distract your parents
from fighting.
Well, then why are you still
playing along?
I'm not playing along.
I keeps it Christmasy, Ryan.
So, are you going to keep
keeping it Christmasy?
Sure. I'll give you the gift
of keeping mom and dad jolly.
But in return,
I want something from you.
The gift of being
part of your family.
That's it?
Sure.
Oh, mm-mm.
The meds.
Ooh, Ryan, is that a cabernet?
Because, you know,
Dad only drinks Bordeaux.
I picked up bottle this morning.
The one in the kitchen?
The 2003?
Not a good year?
No...
I can get you a beer instead.
I'm fine, pumpkin.
Pumpkin?
Okay, just so I understand,
your dad nicknamed his daughter
after the scent of her vagina?
Cool!
Ah, thanks, Mom!
Can you, uh, toss us
the butter as well, please?
Should we be feeding
the dog human food?
Okay, Henry. Hmm.
I don't think we should be
taking dog advice
from your father.
Why is that?
Um, maybe because you used
to kick Sneakers.
I didn't kick him,
Catherine. I shoved him
gently with my foot
to teach him not to beg
just like the trainer taught us.
Uh, okay.
I guess I-I should have let him
drink strawberry milk
instead of water
so he'd have
terrible, chronic gas.
You did that?
That's so beautiful.
Oh maybe you just didn't take
to Sneakers
because he wasn't
obedient enough.
He didn't follow commands.
Speaking of Sneakers...
remember that one Christmas
when Sneakers snuck downstairs
and ate all of Santa's cookies?
Shit! Go, Sneakers.
Was that that same Christmas
that Ryan got that
electric guitar he wanted?
Oh, no. Wait.
He didn't get the guitar.
What did you give him, Henry?
Oh, yeah.
An engraved Tiffany pen.
A pen.
Track 12.
Hey, how about some music?
♪ Deck the halls
with boughs of holly ♪
♪ Fa, la-la, la-la,
la-la, la-la... ♪
It's like he's trying to sing.
Trying. Uh, was Oates trying?
Hey, careful.
We're taking a family photo
after dinner,
and you know how easily
you get droopy drunk face.
Oh. Family photo.
I'm assuming I'll be in it, uh,
since I'm part of the family?
Ryan, he already ruined
Joffrey's photo with Santa.
I know, but it'd
mean a lot to me.
Fine. We'll take two photos.
But you know what
would mean a lot to me?
If you didn't have
wine mouth right now.
Sorry I'm late.
I was deciding between this
and a leather harness,
but, honestly,
the harness seemed
a little too S&M-y
for Christmas.
Are we-we
good to go?
Okay, we're gonna take
one official
family photo, and then,
one weird random photo
for Ryan's neighbor's dog
that I'm going to delete
the second after
I e-mail it to Ryan.
I'm not in the official
family photo?
It's okay.
Don't worry, Ryan.
Ryan, your log
still burns bright.
Ryan?
You're gonna love it.
I use mine every day.
Oh, thanks, Mom.
Looks like there's
one more gift under the tree.
Oh.
"To the Newman family."
Who's it from?
Ooh!
A mystery gift.
Oh, yeah.
Shall I open it?
Mm-hmm.
Look at that.
The whole family.
All together.
Why are you smirking like that?
Wait. Is this from you?
What?
Okay.
I get it. That's... me,
crazy Catherine,
standing between you
and your perfect little family,
tearing it apart.
Catherine, I didn't do it.
Okay, well,
you are the one that
tore this family apart, Henry,
because you're the one
who made me crazy!
Catherine, please, calm down.
Uh, hey, look, look, Wilfred's
playing with the, um...
Mm, I will not stand by
and let you do to Ryan
what you did to me!
Ryan, I think we should get
your mother's nurse.
Tell them, Ryan.
Tell them how...
how-how he broke you down
so-so you didn't even
feel human anymore,
and how you... how you felt
like the only way out was...
was to just take
your own life...
Mom, enough! Shut up!
All you've been doing all night
is-is bringing up the past
and starting shit with Dad.
This was supposed
to be a special night
to celebrate Joffrey's
first Christmas with his family,
and now you've completely
ruined it!
So much for your
Christmas spirit.
What are you talking about?
Just 'cause you weren't
allowed in one photo, you had
to sabotage Christmas
with that drawing?
Of course not, Ryan.
Sure, I was hurt,
but I put that under the tree
before anyone even arrived.
It was an actual gift
meant to thank you all
for letting me be part
of your family tonight.
How was I supposed to know
any of that was gonna happen
back there?
In any normal family,
a drawing like that would have
brought everyone together.
Yeah, well,
with a Mom like Catherine,
this is what happens.
Come on, Ryan.
You know tonight
wasn't your mom's fault.
Then whose?
My dad's?
He's been nothing
but calm and polite.
It's my mom
who's been starting everything.
So you haven't noticed him
pushing her buttons all night?
Apologizing to her nurse
for her?
Criticizing the way
she holds Joffrey
or the way she fed me?
Smirking at the drawing?
The guy's a manipulative bully.
But what does he have to gain?
What he's always wanted:
control over you.
I mean, it's obvious how close
you and your mom have gotten.
He had to find a way to
tear you apart.
I mean,
this whole night has been
yet another giant manipulation,
Henry Newman style.
Kristen and the nurse
are with your mother.
It's been a while since
I've seen her this bad.
I hope she's okay.
Do you?
Or-or maybe you've been
taunting her all night,
trying to get a rise out of her.
Maybe you wanted this to happen.
Of course not.
Tonight was a mistake.
I-I never should have agreed
to see you again.
Not until I was ready
to tell you how I really feel.
Ryan, if you need
to say something...
I've needed to say something
to you for the last 20 years.
I became a lawyer
before you even let me consider
what I might actually
want to do with my life.
I never meant to force
you into anything.
You could have always
told me the truth.
And disappoint you? No, no.
I saw firsthand what happens
to people who disappoint you.
I saw what happened to Mom.
Ryan...
Working for you was so toxic.
Do you want to know why I quit?
Because I knew that
if I stayed there any longer,
it'd kill me.
Oh.
It nearly did.
What are you saying?
I tried to kill myself.
Oh, my God.
I...
I don't know what to say.
Look, I swear, I wasn't trying
to provoke your mother tonight.
But everything you said
about your experience at
the firm is probably true.
Ryan,
if I'd known my behavior
would have this effect on you,
that it would push you to...
However I need to change...
I'll change.
I just can't go another two
years without you in my life.
Mrs. Newman,
if you don't open the door
right this second, then...
no more Wasabi Funyuns
in the rec room.
All right, that shit's on you.
You know you're gonna want 'em.
Can I give it a try?
Good luck.
Mom, it's Ryan.
I'm sorry.
I shouldn't have said
that you ruined Christmas.
I don't actually think that.
Mom, are you listening?
You don't have to apologize.
It's my fault.
After all these
years, I just...
still haven't figured out
how to not let your father
get to me.
I know how you feel.
Ryan, Ryan,
this is the greatest Christmas
gift anyone's ever given me.
You're welcome.
Just get over there
before Kristen changes her mind.
Where's Dad?
I don't know,
but I do know where Santa is!
You can come out now!
Santa's here?
Oh, shit is about to get real!
Ho! Ho! Ho!
Merry...
Oh, no! Wilfred!
- Get him outside!
- Oh!
Dripping on the stairs.
Ryan.
Oh!
Despite the drama,
it was a good Christmas.
And I feel like maybe my dad
and I can finally--
I don't know-- start over.
So you believed him?
What do you mean?
Maybe your dad upset your mom
because he knew
you'd confront him
and reconcile.
That way, he gets you back
in his clutches.
No, I can't think
like that anymore.
By the way, so annoying
that I got that stomach virus
right before I was about to rip
out that Santa bitch's weave.
Listen, I-I think it's time
someone told you the truth.
Santa isn't real.
What?
Because no one else can see him,
that means he isn't real?
No glass allowed at Clouds.
Right. Thanks, and namaste.
Bye.
Oh. Merry Christmas, Mom.
You, too. We never did
find out where
that came from tonight, did we?
Oh.
Um, well, actually,
it-it was from me.
I found it in a box
of my old things
from when I was a kid.
Oh. Well, this isn't
your drawing.
You were a little more
spontaneous than that.
At least until your father
stomped your imagination
to death.
Then, who drew it?
Kristen.