Wilfred (2011–2014): Season 2, Episode 8 - Truth - full transcript
Wilfred's nemesis returns with an offer that rocks Ryan's world.
_
_
(sighs)
What's your biggest secret?
What?
I, uh... Wow.
(chuckles)
Good morning.
It's okay, Ryan.
I thought we were there.
Forget I asked.
No, no, no,
it-it's just...
C-Can we just start with
our second biggest secret?
Sure.
Uh, on the count of three.
One, two, three.
- I love you.
- I don't have any clean underwear.
Wait, what?
- Nothing. You were saying?
- You love me?
I'm kidding.
I'm not kidding.
I'm sorry.
That's so not
a second biggest secret, Ryan.
Yeah, a second biggest secret
is, like, I'm afraid of spiders
- or I accidentally beat off to a tranny.
- Can we...
can we just talk about
your underwear again?
Please?
Ryan, do you have
any more rice?
How much do you need?
100 pounds should do it.
Also, I'm going to need
five bushels of wheat,
some sunblock, a hazmat
suit and a crossbow.
No problem.
Oh, wait, I'm out of sunblock.
Fine. We'll make our own
with titanium dioxide
and shredded beeswax.
Okay, why are you...?
Because the world
is ending, Ryan.
Dogs have an intuition
for these things.
Why do you think no dogs
died in the Holocaust?
Because we knew it was coming.
I woke up this morning with an
overwhelming sense of dread.
Something terrible
is going to happen.
It already did.
I think I screwed up
my relationship with Amanda.
And just like that, we're
talking about him again.
I told her I loved her.
I-I... I just got caught up
in the moment.
So tell her you didn't mean it.
But it's the truth.
She makes me feel... normal.
Oh, and I don't?
You're looting my kitchen,
dressed like one
of the Wolverines, so...
Do you not hear me, man?!
Doomsday is upon us.
A massive apocalyptic
nightmare so unimaginable,
grown men will weep
like children,
and the children
that they weep like
will eat other children.
Oceans will boil over,
and fiery death
will rain from the skies,
and the ground
will shake
until the earth itself
will be cleaved into two!
Yeah, that wasn't it.
- Look...
- I just think that...
(both chuckle)
Look, I'm sorry I ambushed you.
Yeah, you know, if
you're going to get
all relationshippy on me,
- maybe wait for me to have my
first shot of espresso? - I know.
- I know. It was wrong.
- Because, Ryan, I was...
- I just don't want it to be awkward...
- No, I-I-I love you, too.
You do?
Kind of, yeah.
Totally.
You make me really happy, Ryan.
You asked her to
move in with you?
Are you high?
Because you need to be.
That stays in the basement.
From now on, we need
to be more careful
about what we leave
lying around.
Amanda's packing tonight,
and I'm helping her move
in the morning.
Tomorrow morning?
- Are you sure you're ready for this?
- I-I know
we haven't been together
that long,
but it just feels right.
That's not what I mean, Ryan.
I'm saying, maybe you're
not ready for this.
Know what?
I don't care what you think.
Do you care about her?
She loves me.
She doesn't even know you.
She only knows
the you you want her to know.
What about the parts of
you she doesn't know,
the parts you're hiding
down here in this basement?
The black files you used
to manipulate
your father's enemies.
The pills you tried
to off yourself with.
The leather sex hood
you wore to...
Oh, shit, this is mine.
I was looking for this.
Those things aren't me,
not anymore.
These things will
always be you.
They're your secrets.
You think you can
keep them from Amanda
by hiding them down here
in the basement?
Yeah, I do.
You're asking her
to be part of your life.
You're sharing
your house with her.
Sooner or later, she's going
to need to see all of it.
Think of the hours
we spend down here, mate.
How will you explain
where you've been?
Well, maybe I just
need to stop spending
so much time with you.
Look, Wilfred, I love Amanda.
I think she's
really good for me.
Yeah, I-I still have some
issues, but who doesn't?
I'm sure she does, too.
You got something
to say, Wilfred?
No.
It's just, there's a lot
about her you don't know.
Like what?
Well, she talks
too much, for one.
She's always yammering on
and on about God knows what.
And...
What?
Just say it.
She kissed me, man.
(scoffs) It's true.
You've seen how she pets me.
I always figured
it was innocent,
and, you know me,
I'm a dog, I like that shit.
Unbelievable--
you're just jealous.
- Jealous?
- Well, the more time
I spend with Amanda, the
less time I spend with you.
Well, maybe that's
a good thing.
What the hell does that mean?
It means you can be a
really shitty friend.
You say you have my
best interests at heart,
but have you ever once told
me the truth about anything?
More than once.
Ryan, you have to believe me,
this is not going to end well.
You're so full of shit.
I'm telling you,
I can feel it in my bones--
the ones I chew on
and the ones inside of me.
There's a disaster headed
our way.
Give it up, Wilfred.
Amanda and I
are moving in together,
and that's... (rumbling)
Holy shit!
(gasps)
Ryan! Ryan!
(gasping)
(grunts)
Welcome back, Ryan.
Get this off me.
Yeah, and how do I do that?
Seriously?
Go get help!
Of course, I'll
just run upstairs
and tell the first guy I see
that little Timmy's
fallen down the well.
(panting)
No, quake must have
knocked out the power.
I can't see shit.
You were right, Wilfred.
You said something bad
would happen, and it did.
Unfortunately,
that still wasn't it.
Something else is coming...
something worse.
I'm glad Jenna's out of town.
I hope Amanda's okay.
If you really cared about her,
you'd be honest with her.
You're in no condition
to take this relationship
to the next step.
Enough!
Help! Help me!
Ryan, you're buried
under a box of secrets
with a talking dog
in a basement that
may not even exist.
Do you really think
anyone can possibly hear
your cries for help?
(clattering)
MAN:
Hello?
Everyone okay down there?
Yes!
Help!
Where are you?
I-I'm pinned down!
Shit, howdy, what a mess.
Let me get...
(straining)
Thanks.
Don't mention it, Ryan.
Do I know you?
All too well.
Hey, buddy.
Bruce.
Didn't think you'd come.
I gave you my word, Wilfred.
That's why I didn't
think you would.
Wait, you asked him to come?
I needed some dirty work done.
There's no one
dirtier than Bruce.
You flatter me.
Ryan, Wilfred asked
me to get proof
that you shouldn't
move in with Amanda,
and mission accomplished.
What's in the suitcase?
The truth.
Bullshit.
You think you can just dig up
some dirt on Amanda
and it's going to make me
love her any less?
I wouldn't believe it anyway.
(laughing):
No, you would not.
It wouldn't hurt to take
a look, though, would it?
What are you afraid of?
It's going to cost you.
Goddamn it, Bruce.
But it won't be that much.
Just your eternal soul.
Bruce.
All right, I'll do it
for a night out
at Carl's Grub Shack.
Carl's closed down
two years ago, and you know it.
Well, then,
I guess I'll be on my way.
Wait.
How about a game?
That's intriguing.
A game, like last time?
No way.
My life is not a game
to be played for your amusement.
Well, I guess we'll just
have to agree
to disagree about that.
You need to see what's
in the suitcase, Ryan.
We have to play.
French rules, standard protocol.
Wouldn't have it any other way.
Winner gets the suitcase.
I accept.
I had a more interesting
opponent in mind.
- No way.
- Me?
He's a big boy, Wilfred--
he can speak for himself.
What do you say, Ryan?
Are you up for a little game?
Last time you played your game,
I was just the rope
in your twisted tug-of-war.
At least now
I have some control.
But you don't stand a
chance against Bruce.
The only way to win
is not to play.
You play games
with him. You win.
Yeah, well, you're
not me, are you?
I don't know, Wilfred. Am I?
Why are you doing this?
You already said
whatever's in the suitcase
won't change your
mind about Amanda.
It won't, but I want to know.
Well, don't say I
didn't warn you.
Let the games begin.
What's going on?
I can't believe
he'd choose this game
for the first round.
Typical Bruce.
Why? What's he going to do?
Sorry, Ryan.
Moderator can't help.
It's against the rules.
Just be careful.
(growls, hoots)
(screams)
Why the hell
is he wearing that mask?
Yes! He said it!
He said it.
- Point. Bruce.
- What?
- How did I...?
- The name of the game is
"Why the hell is he
wearing that mask?"
You say that phrase,
Bruce gets a point.
The game is actually called
"Why the hell
is he wearing that mask?"
Whoo! Two-nothing.
What are you doing?
This is ridiculous.
♪ ♪
(grunts)
Point. Ryan.
- No! No way!
- Yes.
- The son of a bitch is cheating! No!
- No.
No! No! Are you nuts?
No! No! No! No! No!
What dwells in the blue,
has a sunset face,
with a nose like a dagger
and wood at its base?
- He doesn't know.
- Shut up, Bruce.
Focus, Ryan.
If you lose this round,
it's over and Bruce wins.
Not to mention, you get spanked
with a moose antler.
Come on, it's easy.
I can't help you, mate.
Only two can play.
It doesn't make any sense.
None of this makes any sense.
I-I... I can't do this anymore.
Dude, he's forfeiting.
Ryan, you know this one.
"Only two can play."
Two can...
"What dwells in the blue?"
Blue is the sky.
That means it's a bird.
"A sunset face with a nose
like a dagger."
Meaning a colorful beak.
"With wood at its base."
Th's a branch.
The answer is a toucan.
The answer is Martin Van Buren.
Sorry. Rules are rules.
Martin Van Buren?
Yeah.
I mean, that's obvious.
Sunset face, dude.
He had a severe case of rosacea.
Learn your history, son.
Hey, this was fun.
See you.
I call Monchichi Clown Bubbles.
Those are some serious words.
What's going on?
Sudden death.
You win, you get the suitcase.
If Bruce wins...
I get to cut
Wilfred's tail off.
Wilfred, you can't.
You said I don't have
your best interests
at heart, yeah?
Well, I am literally
putting my ass
on the line for you.
But it's your tail.
If I lose...
I'll just have to tell you
when I'm happy.
Not that I ever will be.
I call the game.
Truth or dare.
It's okay, Ryan.
You've got this.
All you have to do
is choose truth.
Why?
It's why we're down here.
Trust me.
What are you up to?
What's the real game?
What? Ryan.
Dare.
- No.
- Okay.
- going to ruin everything!
- Dare.
I dare you...
to call your father.
What?
Tell him it was your fault
and you want to come back.
You don't have
to do this, mate.
J-Just choose truth.
Choose the truth, Ryan.
(line ringing)
Hello?
Ryan?
Damn it.
Truth.
I choose truth.
Game. Ryan.
Congratulations, kid.
You beat me.
- I did?
- Don't get cocky.
You owe me one, buddy.
I'm not your buddy.
Hey, good game.
But I'll get you next time.
I don't feel like I won.
That's the problem
with this particular game.
Even when you win, you lose.
Open the case.
What's inside?
- The truth.
- The truth about Amanda?
No.
Just the truth.
Is this...?
It's a bomb. Holy shit!
WILFRED:
The numbers are going up.
It's a timer.
Press the button.
WILFRED:
That's how long
you've been down
in your basement
playing a pointless game
with your neighbor's dog
and his... well, Bruce.
12 hours?
This is who you are, mate.
You have to tell her the truth.
No.
No, she loves me.
That's why you
have to let her go.
No. You tricked me.
You lied to me.
There's nothing wrong with me.
There was an earthquake.
Good morning.
You sure you're ready for this?
I thought you were
going to come over early
- and help me load up my car.
- I overslept.
Yeah, you look like you
haven't slept at all.
Having second thoughts
about me moving in?
Hey, Wilfred.
Did you keep Ryan up all night?
Look, I don't know
how you're set
for storage, but I
have got a ton of stuff.
Uh...
Oh, what's in here?
(laughing):
Ryan.
Amanda...
I haven't been honest with you.
The truth is, I...
I'm not ready for this.
Not ready for us
moving in together or...?
Not ready for us?
No, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no.
Look, I...
work is so crazy.
I-I really don't have time
for a relationship.
But you said you loved me.
I...
I thought I did.
Look, you're
a really great girl,
- and...
- This isn't happening.
I'm sorry.
I-I... I just think we need
to take a... a break.
How long?
Long.
But, uh...
I love you.
(crying)
You were right.
If I really loved her,
I would have told her the truth.
No, I was wrong.
You lied to her
because you love her.
And that's why I lied to you.
You understand that, right?
You knew this would happen.
This is the disaster
you predicted.
Sorry, mate.
That still wasn't it.
_
(sighs)
What's your biggest secret?
What?
I, uh... Wow.
(chuckles)
Good morning.
It's okay, Ryan.
I thought we were there.
Forget I asked.
No, no, no,
it-it's just...
C-Can we just start with
our second biggest secret?
Sure.
Uh, on the count of three.
One, two, three.
- I love you.
- I don't have any clean underwear.
Wait, what?
- Nothing. You were saying?
- You love me?
I'm kidding.
I'm not kidding.
I'm sorry.
That's so not
a second biggest secret, Ryan.
Yeah, a second biggest secret
is, like, I'm afraid of spiders
- or I accidentally beat off to a tranny.
- Can we...
can we just talk about
your underwear again?
Please?
Ryan, do you have
any more rice?
How much do you need?
100 pounds should do it.
Also, I'm going to need
five bushels of wheat,
some sunblock, a hazmat
suit and a crossbow.
No problem.
Oh, wait, I'm out of sunblock.
Fine. We'll make our own
with titanium dioxide
and shredded beeswax.
Okay, why are you...?
Because the world
is ending, Ryan.
Dogs have an intuition
for these things.
Why do you think no dogs
died in the Holocaust?
Because we knew it was coming.
I woke up this morning with an
overwhelming sense of dread.
Something terrible
is going to happen.
It already did.
I think I screwed up
my relationship with Amanda.
And just like that, we're
talking about him again.
I told her I loved her.
I-I... I just got caught up
in the moment.
So tell her you didn't mean it.
But it's the truth.
She makes me feel... normal.
Oh, and I don't?
You're looting my kitchen,
dressed like one
of the Wolverines, so...
Do you not hear me, man?!
Doomsday is upon us.
A massive apocalyptic
nightmare so unimaginable,
grown men will weep
like children,
and the children
that they weep like
will eat other children.
Oceans will boil over,
and fiery death
will rain from the skies,
and the ground
will shake
until the earth itself
will be cleaved into two!
Yeah, that wasn't it.
- Look...
- I just think that...
(both chuckle)
Look, I'm sorry I ambushed you.
Yeah, you know, if
you're going to get
all relationshippy on me,
- maybe wait for me to have my
first shot of espresso? - I know.
- I know. It was wrong.
- Because, Ryan, I was...
- I just don't want it to be awkward...
- No, I-I-I love you, too.
You do?
Kind of, yeah.
Totally.
You make me really happy, Ryan.
You asked her to
move in with you?
Are you high?
Because you need to be.
That stays in the basement.
From now on, we need
to be more careful
about what we leave
lying around.
Amanda's packing tonight,
and I'm helping her move
in the morning.
Tomorrow morning?
- Are you sure you're ready for this?
- I-I know
we haven't been together
that long,
but it just feels right.
That's not what I mean, Ryan.
I'm saying, maybe you're
not ready for this.
Know what?
I don't care what you think.
Do you care about her?
She loves me.
She doesn't even know you.
She only knows
the you you want her to know.
What about the parts of
you she doesn't know,
the parts you're hiding
down here in this basement?
The black files you used
to manipulate
your father's enemies.
The pills you tried
to off yourself with.
The leather sex hood
you wore to...
Oh, shit, this is mine.
I was looking for this.
Those things aren't me,
not anymore.
These things will
always be you.
They're your secrets.
You think you can
keep them from Amanda
by hiding them down here
in the basement?
Yeah, I do.
You're asking her
to be part of your life.
You're sharing
your house with her.
Sooner or later, she's going
to need to see all of it.
Think of the hours
we spend down here, mate.
How will you explain
where you've been?
Well, maybe I just
need to stop spending
so much time with you.
Look, Wilfred, I love Amanda.
I think she's
really good for me.
Yeah, I-I still have some
issues, but who doesn't?
I'm sure she does, too.
You got something
to say, Wilfred?
No.
It's just, there's a lot
about her you don't know.
Like what?
Well, she talks
too much, for one.
She's always yammering on
and on about God knows what.
And...
What?
Just say it.
She kissed me, man.
(scoffs) It's true.
You've seen how she pets me.
I always figured
it was innocent,
and, you know me,
I'm a dog, I like that shit.
Unbelievable--
you're just jealous.
- Jealous?
- Well, the more time
I spend with Amanda, the
less time I spend with you.
Well, maybe that's
a good thing.
What the hell does that mean?
It means you can be a
really shitty friend.
You say you have my
best interests at heart,
but have you ever once told
me the truth about anything?
More than once.
Ryan, you have to believe me,
this is not going to end well.
You're so full of shit.
I'm telling you,
I can feel it in my bones--
the ones I chew on
and the ones inside of me.
There's a disaster headed
our way.
Give it up, Wilfred.
Amanda and I
are moving in together,
and that's... (rumbling)
Holy shit!
(gasps)
Ryan! Ryan!
(gasping)
(grunts)
Welcome back, Ryan.
Get this off me.
Yeah, and how do I do that?
Seriously?
Go get help!
Of course, I'll
just run upstairs
and tell the first guy I see
that little Timmy's
fallen down the well.
(panting)
No, quake must have
knocked out the power.
I can't see shit.
You were right, Wilfred.
You said something bad
would happen, and it did.
Unfortunately,
that still wasn't it.
Something else is coming...
something worse.
I'm glad Jenna's out of town.
I hope Amanda's okay.
If you really cared about her,
you'd be honest with her.
You're in no condition
to take this relationship
to the next step.
Enough!
Help! Help me!
Ryan, you're buried
under a box of secrets
with a talking dog
in a basement that
may not even exist.
Do you really think
anyone can possibly hear
your cries for help?
(clattering)
MAN:
Hello?
Everyone okay down there?
Yes!
Help!
Where are you?
I-I'm pinned down!
Shit, howdy, what a mess.
Let me get...
(straining)
Thanks.
Don't mention it, Ryan.
Do I know you?
All too well.
Hey, buddy.
Bruce.
Didn't think you'd come.
I gave you my word, Wilfred.
That's why I didn't
think you would.
Wait, you asked him to come?
I needed some dirty work done.
There's no one
dirtier than Bruce.
You flatter me.
Ryan, Wilfred asked
me to get proof
that you shouldn't
move in with Amanda,
and mission accomplished.
What's in the suitcase?
The truth.
Bullshit.
You think you can just dig up
some dirt on Amanda
and it's going to make me
love her any less?
I wouldn't believe it anyway.
(laughing):
No, you would not.
It wouldn't hurt to take
a look, though, would it?
What are you afraid of?
It's going to cost you.
Goddamn it, Bruce.
But it won't be that much.
Just your eternal soul.
Bruce.
All right, I'll do it
for a night out
at Carl's Grub Shack.
Carl's closed down
two years ago, and you know it.
Well, then,
I guess I'll be on my way.
Wait.
How about a game?
That's intriguing.
A game, like last time?
No way.
My life is not a game
to be played for your amusement.
Well, I guess we'll just
have to agree
to disagree about that.
You need to see what's
in the suitcase, Ryan.
We have to play.
French rules, standard protocol.
Wouldn't have it any other way.
Winner gets the suitcase.
I accept.
I had a more interesting
opponent in mind.
- No way.
- Me?
He's a big boy, Wilfred--
he can speak for himself.
What do you say, Ryan?
Are you up for a little game?
Last time you played your game,
I was just the rope
in your twisted tug-of-war.
At least now
I have some control.
But you don't stand a
chance against Bruce.
The only way to win
is not to play.
You play games
with him. You win.
Yeah, well, you're
not me, are you?
I don't know, Wilfred. Am I?
Why are you doing this?
You already said
whatever's in the suitcase
won't change your
mind about Amanda.
It won't, but I want to know.
Well, don't say I
didn't warn you.
Let the games begin.
What's going on?
I can't believe
he'd choose this game
for the first round.
Typical Bruce.
Why? What's he going to do?
Sorry, Ryan.
Moderator can't help.
It's against the rules.
Just be careful.
(growls, hoots)
(screams)
Why the hell
is he wearing that mask?
Yes! He said it!
He said it.
- Point. Bruce.
- What?
- How did I...?
- The name of the game is
"Why the hell is he
wearing that mask?"
You say that phrase,
Bruce gets a point.
The game is actually called
"Why the hell
is he wearing that mask?"
Whoo! Two-nothing.
What are you doing?
This is ridiculous.
♪ ♪
(grunts)
Point. Ryan.
- No! No way!
- Yes.
- The son of a bitch is cheating! No!
- No.
No! No! Are you nuts?
No! No! No! No! No!
What dwells in the blue,
has a sunset face,
with a nose like a dagger
and wood at its base?
- He doesn't know.
- Shut up, Bruce.
Focus, Ryan.
If you lose this round,
it's over and Bruce wins.
Not to mention, you get spanked
with a moose antler.
Come on, it's easy.
I can't help you, mate.
Only two can play.
It doesn't make any sense.
None of this makes any sense.
I-I... I can't do this anymore.
Dude, he's forfeiting.
Ryan, you know this one.
"Only two can play."
Two can...
"What dwells in the blue?"
Blue is the sky.
That means it's a bird.
"A sunset face with a nose
like a dagger."
Meaning a colorful beak.
"With wood at its base."
Th's a branch.
The answer is a toucan.
The answer is Martin Van Buren.
Sorry. Rules are rules.
Martin Van Buren?
Yeah.
I mean, that's obvious.
Sunset face, dude.
He had a severe case of rosacea.
Learn your history, son.
Hey, this was fun.
See you.
I call Monchichi Clown Bubbles.
Those are some serious words.
What's going on?
Sudden death.
You win, you get the suitcase.
If Bruce wins...
I get to cut
Wilfred's tail off.
Wilfred, you can't.
You said I don't have
your best interests
at heart, yeah?
Well, I am literally
putting my ass
on the line for you.
But it's your tail.
If I lose...
I'll just have to tell you
when I'm happy.
Not that I ever will be.
I call the game.
Truth or dare.
It's okay, Ryan.
You've got this.
All you have to do
is choose truth.
Why?
It's why we're down here.
Trust me.
What are you up to?
What's the real game?
What? Ryan.
Dare.
- No.
- Okay.
- going to ruin everything!
- Dare.
I dare you...
to call your father.
What?
Tell him it was your fault
and you want to come back.
You don't have
to do this, mate.
J-Just choose truth.
Choose the truth, Ryan.
(line ringing)
Hello?
Ryan?
Damn it.
Truth.
I choose truth.
Game. Ryan.
Congratulations, kid.
You beat me.
- I did?
- Don't get cocky.
You owe me one, buddy.
I'm not your buddy.
Hey, good game.
But I'll get you next time.
I don't feel like I won.
That's the problem
with this particular game.
Even when you win, you lose.
Open the case.
What's inside?
- The truth.
- The truth about Amanda?
No.
Just the truth.
Is this...?
It's a bomb. Holy shit!
WILFRED:
The numbers are going up.
It's a timer.
Press the button.
WILFRED:
That's how long
you've been down
in your basement
playing a pointless game
with your neighbor's dog
and his... well, Bruce.
12 hours?
This is who you are, mate.
You have to tell her the truth.
No.
No, she loves me.
That's why you
have to let her go.
No. You tricked me.
You lied to me.
There's nothing wrong with me.
There was an earthquake.
Good morning.
You sure you're ready for this?
I thought you were
going to come over early
- and help me load up my car.
- I overslept.
Yeah, you look like you
haven't slept at all.
Having second thoughts
about me moving in?
Hey, Wilfred.
Did you keep Ryan up all night?
Look, I don't know
how you're set
for storage, but I
have got a ton of stuff.
Uh...
Oh, what's in here?
(laughing):
Ryan.
Amanda...
I haven't been honest with you.
The truth is, I...
I'm not ready for this.
Not ready for us
moving in together or...?
Not ready for us?
No, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no.
Look, I...
work is so crazy.
I-I really don't have time
for a relationship.
But you said you loved me.
I...
I thought I did.
Look, you're
a really great girl,
- and...
- This isn't happening.
I'm sorry.
I-I... I just think we need
to take a... a break.
How long?
Long.
But, uh...
I love you.
(crying)
You were right.
If I really loved her,
I would have told her the truth.
No, I was wrong.
You lied to her
because you love her.
And that's why I lied to you.
You understand that, right?
You knew this would happen.
This is the disaster
you predicted.
Sorry, mate.
That still wasn't it.