Wilfred (2011–2014): Season 2, Episode 7 - Avoidance - full transcript

So how are things
going with Amanda?

Great.
Oh!

She left for San Diego
this morning.

Well, at least she doesn't have
a dog you have to watch.

How about you?

Have you spoken to Dr. Ramos?

Are you kidding me?
No, I'm done with Arturo.

(Whiny): "I can't leave my family.
My kids need me."

Please. That's bullshit.
They're, like, nine years old.

It's his loss.
You look radiant.

People say "radiant"...
what they mean is "fat."



I mean, look at this tub of
"radiance" checking me out.

Where does he get off?
Like we're on the same team.

You gonna finish these fries?

MAN:
Newman?

Hey!

Oh, my God! James!

How are you?

I'm, uh... I'm-I'm...
I'm... hey.

(Awkward laughter)

Wow...
Girl, it's been awhile.

- Mm-hmm.
- You look... (Inhales)

You look radiant.

Well, figures I'd
run into you here.

Best coffee in town.



Oh! Coffee!

(Laughing)

You remember Bean Man?

You know, dude from first
year contracts class?

(Old man voice):
Stomp on that banana!

(Forced laughter)

I don't get it.

That's an... inside joke.

(Laughing):
So funny, though.

Wow, man, it's really
been too long.

You know, I thought
that I would see you

at your dad's banquet, but...

You know, I mean, I understand.

Yeah. Yeah, I was busy...
out of town.

Anyway,
it was great to see you...

Hey, man, listen...
I'm going to the Saloon tonight.

Maybe you should come down.
Have a drink.

Might give us
a chance to... catch up.

- It sounds like fun.
- See?

Yeah.

- Maybe I'll stop by.
- Awesome.

Or should I say...
(Loud whisper): Fresca!

(Forced laughter)
I bet that's funny.

Yeah.

All right, man,
I hope to see you there.

Bye.

He's so cute.

You know, he always had
a massive crush on me.

You think he likes kids?

I don't know and I don't care.

I don't want anything to do
with that guy.

What?!

I mean, I know it's been a while
since you guys have talked,

but you were, like, best friends.
What happened?

WILFRED:
Ryan! Look!

I'm a dog! I'm a dog!

So, who was that
brig-white-teeth guy?

His name is James.
We went to law school together.

And...?

(Sighs heavily)

We both worked for my dad,
and we hated it.

We decided to leave and start

our own boutique
law firm together.

Boutique?

So you'd represent jewelry

and effeminate
trinkets and such?

It was gonna be a place where
the disenfranchised

could get help and where
ethics actually mattered.

We decided to quit
on the same day,

but at the last minute,
James took a promotion

and stayed
with my dad instead.

What a dick!

What did he have
to say for himself?

I never took his calls.

What's he gonna say,
"Yeah, I know you thought

I was your best friend,
but I stabbed you in the back"?

So you're just gonna avoid him
for the rest of your life?

You should at least hear
his side of the story.

I already know
his side of the story.

Well, maybe you got it wrong.

The only way to know
for sure is to talk to him.

I mean, this guy was
your best friend.

Why are you shutting him out?

I'd never do that
to my best friend...

Dennis.

Who?

Dennis.
My best friend.

I thought
I was your best friend.

- You are my good friend.
- Best friend!

Yep... yep...

After Dennis and Steve...

and then Bear, definitely!

And Blue Bunny,
who I tore to pieces in '07.

But I like to think
he's still with me.

And of course, Jenna is family.

I can't believe this!
I mean, you're my best friend!

You're putting me in
an awkward position, Ryan.

♪
♪
(Jenna laughing)

Oh! I just love doggy dancing!

What did you think?

Yeah!

(Chanting):
Churro! Churro! Churro!

Oh! I have to give
Wilfred his churro.

It's his special treat.

I give him one
after the first dance lesson

and now he's, like, conditioned
to expect... Wilfred!

Remember, there's a just-for-fun
dance recital this Sunday.

Everyone will get a chance to
show off their dance moves.

Aw, shoot!

Drew and I are gonna be
in Wisconsin this weekend.

Oh, that's a shame.

Yeah, it's not like Wilfred's
gonna know the difference.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no!

This isn't happening!

Ryan, you have to dance
with me on Sunday.

(Scoffs)
Yeah, right.

Oh, please, Ryan.

If I miss this, I'll die.
I'll just die.

Why don't you ask your
best friend Dennis?

Ryan, I have
a confession to make.

Dennis will be out of town
this weekend also.

♪ ♪

I... I-I can't do this.

Come on, give us a chance.

Let's mix it up a bit.

Are you changing the music?

- But Jenna said...
- "But Jenna said."

Do you always
do what you're told?

♪ ♪

Come on.

Wilfred, this is ridiculous.

You just gotta relax.
Move your hips.

Oh, man, you're so tense.

I've got an idea.

(Music stops)

Ryan...

I want you to tell me about
the first time you made love.

I'm not gonna do that.

Please, just...

It was with my first girlfriend,
back in high school.

We started out
as study partners.

Then... one night, in her room,
one thing led to another.

We were both so nervous.

And then, all of a sudden,

her dad came
stomping down the hallway.

I've never gotten dressed
so fast in my life.

We could barely stop giggling.

I love it.

My first experience
was almost identical.

Except, instead of
being my study partner,

my girl had just been
hit by a car.

She was still alive,
but motionless.

Defenseless.

I was so nervous.

I snuck up behind her

so she couldn't bite me
when I rammed it in.

Then a few quick pumps

and her owner came
stomping down the road.

I could barely
stop giggling also.

Ryan...

I want you to remember
how you felt

on that magical night...
the joy, the passion.

(Sighs deeply)

Are you feeling it?

I guess so.

Good.

Hold on to that.

♪ ♪

That's it, Ryan.

You're a natural.

♪ ♪

Bah-bah...
Hear the beat?

See?

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

(Laughing)

Oh, oh, oh, really?

Really?
Ryan, don't!

(Laughs, then groans)

(Groaning in pain)

Are you okay?

I pulled something in my groin.

I'm such an idiot
for not warming down.

Lie back.

Just breathe into it.

Is this the spot?

Uh, a bit lower.

Yeah, it's tight as all hell.

How does that feel?

Yeah.

Does that feel good?

Yes.

Wilfred, why are you
making that face?

(Groaning)

(Shouts)

Oh... oh... that was nice.

(Squeaky gro)

So, should we run through
the Pasodoble again?

No offense, but your Flamenco
taps could be crisper.

(Squeaky gasping)

Ryan, what's wrong?
Are you okay?

(Phone ringing)

Hi, James.

- Still coming?
- What?!

- To the Saloon?
- Mate, if there's

something's wrong,
we should talk about it.

I, uh...

Otherwise, it's just
gonna get worse.

Newman, are you there?

Yeah, yeah. I'm definitely
leaving right now.

Ryan, where are you going?

Wait. Is this is this because
I jizz-blasted you?

Unbelievable!

Thanks for the beer.

Wait. Did you just say,
"Thanks for the beer"?

I know where you're
going with this.

"Glug, glug, glug, glug...

Break a duck's neck!"
(Laughs)

You remember that?

Yeah.

(Kristen laughs)

Oh, my God, that poor duck.

There wasn't actually a duck.

Right?

(Both laugh)

Well, pregnant lady's
gotta pee... again.

Fresca!

So, your sister,
what's her name again?

- Kristen.
- That is so weird.

'Cause I called
her "Kathy" earlier,

and she just laughed,
you know? So...

Did you ever get any
of my messages?

Maybe.
I don't remember.

Hey, are you hungry?

I'm hungry.

Yeah, sure, whatever.

I just thought that maybe
we should, you know,

- talk about what happened.
- Water under the bridge.

Yeah, but I was just...
We're good.

All right. Cool.

Excuse me.

Hey-ey, what
a coincidence!

What are you doing here?

I'm meeting Dennis
for a drink next door.

Unless you feel like dancing.

We still have a lot of work
to do before the recital.

I'm kinda busy right now.

Go home, Wilfred.

Those teeth in there,
are they James'?

He has less hair
than I remember.

He has hair.

Not as much as me.

He's human.

So, you planning on
dancing together?

Is he a better dancer than me?

You gonna give him
a little treat afterwards?

Christ, will you just stop?!
Go away!

I don't want to dance
with you anymore, okay?

Go dance with your
best friend Dennis.

I can't dance with Dennis.

Why, because Dennis
doesn't exist?

No. Because Dennis is
severely disabled.

He can barely feed himself,
let alone dance.

Oh, but you were gonna go
and have a drink with him?

Drinking is all he has, Ryan.

(Chuckles) Look, you're
obviously upset.

Why don't we...?
I can cancel with Dennis

and we can just go back
to your place,

put on a little bit of Sade...

I said go home!

Can I see your ID?

Dude...

(Banging noise)

Wilfred?

(Banging continues)

Wilfred, are you down here?

(Gasps)
Have a nice night, Ryan?

You scared me.

Your shoes look pretty worn.

Wonder what that's all about.

You shouldn't be down here.
Jenna will be looking for you.

Jenna's asleep.
She won't hear a thing.

I'm going upstairs.

What are you doing?!

I'm dancing!

And after we dance,
I get my treat!

That's how it works!

Wilfred, no!

(Ryan gasping)

Give me my goddamn treat!

Wilfred, please, just go home!

Open this door, Ryan!
Open the door!

I miss you, too, but Comic-Con
sounds like a blast.

Maybe I'll go with you next year.

No, I'd dress up!

I could totally pass
as Harry Potter.

(Knocking)

Hey, Amanda, I'll call you back.

What do you want?

I brought you your slipper.

Where's my other one?

Yeah, you don't want
the other one.

Look, I'm sorry about last night.

I obviously got a little carried away.

I know what you're gonna say,
so you don't need to say it.

- I just think...
- Drop it.

I just want to put all this behind us,
go back to the way things were.

Me, too.

Friends?

(Gasps)

Wilfred, get off me! No!

I want my treat!

I can't take this anymore!

Goddamn it, Wilfred!

I will not let you
ejaculate all over me again!

Hi, Sara.

Dude!
What are you talking about?

You said you wanted a treat.

Is that what all this is about?

All the stalking
and rapey dancing?

- Yeah, because I wanted my treat!
- Exactly!

A handjob!

Handjob?!
I wanted a churro!

Why do you think I've been
trying to dance with you?

Churros only happen
after you dance.

That's the first thing
you learn in conservatory!

What was all this about?

You know, a churro.

They smother those things in sugar.

You've gotta shake
some of that stuff off

before you eat it.
Empty calories.

Wait. That's what's been
bothering you this whole time?

You thought I wanted you
to rip the neck off it?

Well, yeah.

This is what I'm talking about,
Ryan.

You closed the door on me.

If you'd just talked to me,
all of this could have been avoided.

So you didn't actually enjoy that?

Yeah, it was nice.

But it had nothing to
do with you personally.

I ejaculate on everything.

I ejaculate on that...

on this.

I ejaculated in there.

I jizzed in this, in this, in this,

in this, in this in this.

I jizzed over all of this.

This was just an empty jar
I found in the recycle bin.

Look, I had every intention
of quitting.

I mean, I was nervous as
hell, but I was prepared.

But when I got in there
and I was face-to-face...

I froze. I mean,
you've seen your dad.

He's scary as shit.

I was a year out of law school.

I had hundred grand
in student loans.

He offered me a choice:
a fast track to partnership

or be blacklisted by
every judge in the state.

He said that?

- My career would've been over.
- I had no idea.

'Cause you didn't call me back.

I know. I'm sorry.

I missed you, man.

I've missed you, too.

(Grunts)

(Both laugh)

You know what the weird thing is?

I don't think it's ever
been about me with your dad.

I just think he didn't
want to lose you.

I mean, ever since you left,
you're all he talks about.

It's like he's obsessed.

I mean, you know he wants
you back at the firm.

Yeah, well,
that's never gonna happen.

Mm-hmm.

As your friend, be careful.

He will do whatever it
takes to get you back.

He's like...
He's like Darth Vader.

I guess that makes you
Lando Calrissian.

'Cause you double-crossed me.

Oh, yeah.
And I'm smooth, too.

(Both chuckle)

WILFRED:
Ryan, look, I'm a man!

I'm a man!

(Chuckles)

Shit, you know what today is?

The dance recital.

We missed it.

Why didn't you say anything?

Well, I just figured that
after all that happened,

you wouldn't be interested.

(Jazzy version of Wilfred
theme song plays)

(Applause)

♪ ♪

(Applause and cheering)

(Audience laughs)

(Audience exclaims)

(Applause and cheering)

(Whistling, cheering)

(Musical flourish plays)

(Song ends, applause)

(Both panting)

(Both chuckle)

- So?
- What?

Come on, man!

Oh.

Thanks, Ryan.

You want some?

Yeah, sure.

(Gagging)

Wilfred!