Wilfred (2011–2014): Season 2, Episode 6 - Control - full transcript
Ryan's plans to introduce Amanda to Jenna are complicated by Wilfred.
Whoa. This just in.
(auto-tuned to dance music):
♪ My boobs are huge ♪
♪ Squishy, squishy tits ♪
♪ Squish-squish-squish ♪
♪ Squish-squish... squish ♪
♪ You've got to feel
how soft my tits are. ♪.
Well, it probably hasn't been
seen by that many people.
1.4 million views!
It's posted everywhere!
As your lawyer,
maybe I could send a cease.
FazioMcBonerz99?
Oh, God, it's humiliating.
AMANDA:
Ryan?
RYAN:
Oh. Uh...
Amanda!
Wh-What are you doing here?
Sunday morning workout.
Hi, I'm Amanda.
Oh, I'm sorry.
This is my neighbor, Jenna.
She's Wilfred's owner.
It's so nice to
finally meet you.
Yeah, you too.
Well, I gotta run, so...
see you later.
Well, she seems...
She is, she...
she totally is
I mean, she wasn't just then.
But she-she usually is.
Come on, treasure,
I know you're under there
somewhere, you dick.
(cell phone rings) It's Drew.
Hey, sweetie...
What?
They just played "Squishy Tits"
on Howard Stern.
Why are you telling me this
like you're excited?
What are you doing?
Sniffing up all the valuables
these idiot beachgoers
leave behind.
(metal detector whines)
Oh, shit!
You're not gonna believe this.
I had my arm around
Jenna and of course,
right at that moment,
Amanda shows up.
So?
So, that's not how
I wanted them to meet.
The next step in
my relationship with Amanda
is her hanging out
with my friends.
I need to make sure
th get along.
Ryan, have I ever
told you the story
about Rex and Lady?
Their owners moved in together
and tried to force
them to be friends.
But Rex was a free-spirited
swashbuckler, a dreamer,
a Renaissance dog, really.
Lady, on the other hand,
was a dyke.
So one day,
their owners made them
play in the yard together.
Well, Rex ended up killing Lady
and hiding her body
under the porch.
And every now and then,
Rex would go out and
look at the corpse
and I would find myself...
and Rex would find
himself getting aroused.
My point is, you can't
control relationships.
You have to let
things happen naturally.
"Naturally" is what just
happened on the beach.
(metal detector whines)
Oh, my God, is that a...
Piece of shit diamond broach.
Anyway, I wish they'd met
under better circumstances.
Like a dinner party.
Oh, I love dinner parties!
They totally bring out
the Pomeranian in me.
Wilfred, you're not exactly
dinner party guest material.
I mean, the smell of food makes
you drool all over the place.
And you lick people's scabs.
Ryan, it's
a perfect opportunity
for me to get to know Amanda.
You've been dating her
for over two whole months
and I haven't even so much as
sniffed her map of Tassie.
Is that her...?
Yeah.
(metal detector whines)
Whoo-hoo!
Sandy mayonnaise crusts!
Mmm!
So, that-that was funny,
running into you
at the beach today.
I'm really glad you
got to finally meet Jenna.
Yeah, me too.
You guys seem close.
I mean, you certainly
watch her dog a lot.
(chuckles)
You know, I have to ask you
a question about her.
Totally.
Anything.
Is she... Squishy Tits?
Oh, uh...
Oh, my God, I knew it.
What was her deal?
Was she on drugs?
What? No!
Uh... low blood sugar.
Look, don't judge her
based on that video.
I-I'm sure you'd really like her
if you got to know her.
Maybe we can all
hang out some time.
Like a dinner
party or something.
You mean... at your place?
I cook a pretty mean brisket.
That sounds great.
Hey, and maybe you could
even serve up some
squ-squ-squ-squish,
a-squish-a-sh-squish...
No. No, no.
...squish-squash, squish, squash.
You seriously
cannot mention that.
(mellow jazz plays)
(knocking at door)
Hey.
Hey!
Welcome.
Something smells great in here.
Brought you some.
Sheboygan Seasonal
Pumpkin Kale Ale.
Oh. Great. I think
I still have the case
that you gave me last year.
You don't have to
hoard it, buddy.
It's not our best seller.
But, hey, more for us, u
right, bro?
We're gonna put our coats
in your bedroom.
Okay.
(knocking at door)
Hey.
Hi. I made a pie.
Oh. You didn't have to do that.
I know...
but I wanted to make
a good impression.
Are they here yet?
What did you tell them about me?
That I'm a nerdy chemist who spends
all day in a windowless lab?
I did. But when they
see you in that dress,
they're not gonna believe me.
JENNA: Hey, Amanda. Hi.
It's good to see you again.
Yeah, you too.
This is Drew, my fiancée.
She makes everything
sound so fancy.
We're getting married.
Congratulations. DREW: Thanks.
That is a beautiful dress.
Thank you.
Ryan helped me pick it out.
Aw.
Seriously?
This is nice.
I'll just put this
in the kitchen
and get everyone some wine...
or some Pumpkin Kale Ale.
Oh, Jenna,
did I mention that Amanda
went to school in Santa Barbara?
Oh, no way! Drew and I are
getting married in Montecito.
I love Montecito.
Isn't it the best?
Oh, where in Montecito?
(tapping on glass)
Yoo-hoo.
What are you doing here?
I brought dessert!
I found it in the most charming
little French
bakery's Dumpster.
There's nothing in here.
Of course there is.
There's a giant grease stain
and a smidge of
crusty whipped cream.
I've already chewed up four
of these boxes this week.
After tonight, I swear
I'm going on a cleanse.
Oh, sorry we're late, by the way.
We?
Momentito.
What are you doing sitting
over here, Cranky Pants?
Can we just have a nice night
tonight? Please?
Ooh, something smells divine.
No. Wilfred!
I'll have a glass of Pinot.
Just a club soda for Bear.
Bear's back on the wagon.
Five weeks sober.
It's a miracle.
Take my coat?
Wilfred, Wilfred,
I know what this is.
You want to get to
know Amanda better,
but now isn't the time.
I need everything to
run smoothly tonight.
And it will.
(Jenna and Amanda talking)
Oh, I should say hello.
Wilfred, go home.
Please.
And miss out on
a delicious mingle?
Oh, isn't that cute?
Wilfy followed
us over to the party!
Well, hello everyone!
Amanda, so good
to see you again!
No, no, no, no!
Down! Get him off...
Get him off, get him off me!
Wilfred!
Sorry. I...
I'm not much of
a "dog person."
I think I smell
something burning.
I'm sorry.
I can take him home
if it's gonna be a problem.
No. No, I-I'll be fine.
It's-it's...
I didn't want to
make a big deal out of it.
(sighs)
You know, I just remembered...
Jenna minored in art,
and-and you... like art.
Well, I was a business major,
but this one time
my roommate and I,
we had this big argument
about whether it was
Monet or Manet.
And it turns out
both are correct.
(chuckles)
That's the great thing
about art.
I'll-I'll just, um...
I'll go get your drinks.
Wilfred, this is exactly why...
Look, Ryan, I am sorry.
I was just excited because
I know she's a special
person in your life
and I wanted to get
to know her better.
But tonight's important to you,
so I'm gonna be on my
best behavior from now on.
Really?
Some people like dogs,
some don't.
It's a free country.
You don't have to
worry about me, Ryan.
Well, thank you for being
so mature about this.
I mean, for a minute there
I thought you were gonna...
Oh, shit!
Oh, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no!
What's going on?
Isn't it obvious?
All of the tension in the air
has sent Bear
back to the bottle.
Five weeks down the drain!
Hey, look, Bear's
back on the wagon again.
Problem solved.
WILFRED:
Bear!
Looks like we're in
for a bumpy night.
Ryan, this brisket looks amazing.
Thanks.
Okay, Bear, we're almost there.
Whoopsie daisies.
WILFRED:
Excuse us, everyone.
Come on, let's get you
on your feet.
No, Bear, we're not over here.
No, you can't ride the go-carts
because we're not at
the go-cart track.
We're at Ryan's house, remember?
Um, Ryan, do you think
I could get another plate?
I think the dog may have
touched this as he walked by.
Oh... uh...
Here, take mine.
My old dog used to love
licking my plate.
She was such a sweetheart, too,
and Wilfred loved her.
Then one day,
she just ran away.
I miss you, Lady.
WILFRED: Yes, Bear, I
heard you the first time,
"Six beers and Amanda's finally
starting to look boneable."
Volume, Bear. Volume.
You know, dogs are
very hygienic animals.
So, Jenna...
how's the wedding
planning going?
Good.
I read somewhere that
dog mouths are cleaner
than people mouths.
That's actually
a common misconception.
Dogs' mouths harbor
a massive infectious
disease and viral load.
In fact, one dog lick and you
could end up with, um...
Hantavirus, E. Coli,
Hepatitis...
WILFRED: Yes, I get it, Bear.
I'm your best friend.
I'm one of the good ones.
You love me.
Well, I'm a journalist, and...
Yeah, I've seen your work.
Thanks.
I've seen plenty of research
about dogs...
Bear, your breath!
Give me a little space!
Oh! Oh, God.
Are you okay?
DREW: Okay, Wilfy, time to go.
No, it's fine, it's fine.
I'm sorry. I just, um...
I'm gonna go clean up.
(dish clatters)
You're destroying
my dinner party!
It's not me!
It's Bear!
Let's just get through
the rest of the night,
and in the morning we can try
to get Bear back to rehab.
Enough! If you keep
acting like this,
you're gonna cost me
my first real relationship
in almost two years.
Wait. Since when does
Bear have two eyes?
Bear stole that button
off Amanda's coat.
When Bear drinks,
all impulse control goes
out the window.
You ruined her coat?
Well, in all fairness,
is keeping her little
coat buttoned up
more important than
giving someone
the precious gift of sight?
Oh, God! You monster!
It's okay, Bear.
I can fix this.
Hmm, that's tight.
(moaning rhythmically)
Note to self.
Why are you doing this?
Are you trying to punish Amanda
for not liking you?
Amanda doesn't seem
to like anyone.
She says she's not
a dog person,
but she's not really a people
person either, is she?
The only reason people aren't
getting along is because of you.
I had this whole night
perfectly planned.
I told you, Ryan, you can't
force them to get along.
Oh, yeah? Watch me.
Listen, I'm sorry if it seemed
like Amanda overreacted
to Wilfred.
It's okay.
It's just a little weird
that she doesn't like dogs,
don't you think?
Actually, there's a reason
for that.
When she was a kid
she was... attacked by a dog.
Oh, my God.
She was walking home
from school,
and this huge Great Dane came
out of nowhere and bit her.
It was really traumatic.
That poor girl.
Where was she bit?
On her... left butt cheek.
There's a huge scar.
She's really sensitive
about it, so...
I won't say anything,
I promise.
I should probably go
check on her.
A Great Dane bit Amanda, huh?
That will never work.
Oh, yeah? Why not?
Because everyone knows
that the Great Dane's
preferred method of attack is
the pin-down
and-slobber-on.
Coincidentally,
that's also Drew's preferred
method of lovemaking.
I know what I'm doing.
Amanda, I am so sorry
about the wine.
And of course I will pay
for any dry cleaning.
No, it's fine, really.
It's okay.
Look, I know I've been testy
tonight, but it's not you.
I don't know if you've heard,
but there's this
Internet video that's sort
of ruining my life right now.
Oh. Uh, no, I haven't heard
anything about it.
I'll send you the link.
Anyway, uh...
I have been
super stressed-out lately.
You know what I do
when I get stressed-out?
There is this amazing spa
on Wilshire.
They have natural hot springs.
We should go sometime.
I would love that.
How about this weekend?
Okay, it's a date.
You know what this calls for?
Another round of wine.
Well, I'm a big enough dog
to admit when I'm wrong.
I guess you can force people
to like each other.
No thanks to you.
Just one question, though.
I've never been allowed
in a spa.
The patrons keep
their clothes on, right?
Oh, wait, no.
It's the opposite, isn't it?
Looks like your lie
about Amanda being bit
in the ass is
about to come back to bite...
Come on, Wilfred,
you're better than that.
Well, it seems like you and Jenna
are really hitting it off.
Yeah, I'm really looking
forward to the spa.
(quietly): I wanted to
talk to you about that.
Um, Jenna would never
tell you this herself,
but she really shouldn't be
going to the spa.
Why?
The heat is not good for her;
Heart condition.
Oh, my God.
Why did she agree to go?
She's too stubborn.
She doesn't want it to stop her
from enjoying her life, but...
No. Thank you
for telling me.
I'll just suggest
something else.
That'd probably be
for the best.
Hey, what's the ETA
on the P-I-E?
Coming right up!
Jesus!
Let me guess, drunk Bear
threw the pie in your face?!
Yes, Ryan, right after Bear said
some of the most extraordinarily
hurtful things I've ever heard
come out of someone's mouth.
I am not a butthead!
That's it! Bear's going.
Bear, let go of my paw!
You're hurting me!
Wilfred, drop it!
Hey, is everything
okay in here?
At the hell?!
Wilfred!
Bear, you could've
broken my back!
Amanda, help me up, please?
Get the dog away from me!
Where's your scar?
What scar?
Oh, I'm so sorry.
I shouldn't have said anything.
What-what are you talking about?
Oh, look,
it looks like somebody
got into the pie.
Maybe we should go for
ice cream or something.
Don't be mad, but Ryan
told us about that dog
that bit you on your butt
when you were little.
The dog that...? What?
Why would you tell them that?
He just, he wanted us to understand
why you don't like dogs.
And we totally get it.
A bite on the butt?
That's what you told them?
What the hell is
wrong with you?
Don't talk to Ryan like that.
Stay out of this, Squishy Tits.
Yikes.
You lied to your
friends about me?
I...
Uh-oh, Ryan.
Amanda was caught
with her pants down,
and now you being caught
with your pan...
Seriously, Wilfred?
You are off tonight.
Look, I didn't realize
that my history with dogs was
so important to all of you.
But why don't I just save us
all some time
and tell you the truth?
Amanda, you don't have to...
No-no-no-no-no-no,
we're all real good
friends now, right?
You want to know why
I don't like dogs?
Let's share.
When I was eight, I used
to spend every Sunday
at my grandfather's house.
He had two Blue Tick hounds,
Sam and Finnigan.
We used to take them for walks
and go for swims in the lake.
I... I looked forward
to it all week.
Then one Sunday,
my mom dropped me off,
and I went inside the house,
and there was my grandfather
lying on the kitchen floor.
He'd died of a heart attack.
(voice breaks): He'd been
there for about a week,
and the dogs,
they got so hungry that
they'd eaten both his legs
and half his face!
(slurps drool)
And that's the last time
I remember seeing my grandpa.
So thank you for the reminder!
Excuse me!
So sad.
(knocking)
Amanda, can I come in?
Drew and Jenna took off.
It's, it's just me.
Wilfred!
No, no, it's okay.
I get it now.
I was lying on
the bed here crying,
and Wilfred just came up
and cuddled up to me.
It was like he knew
I was upset.
And then, I don't know,
everything felt... better.
There, there.
Let's get those tears
off your face.
(sucking breath)
(chuckles)
Amanda, I shouldn't have lied
about the dog attack.
Yeah. Jenna doesn't have
a heart condition either,
does she?
I can't believe I called
her "Squishy Tits."
Does she hate me now?
No, no, she doesn't...
She'll, she'll get over it.
I'm sorry about everything.
I just wanted you
and Jenna to get along.
Because if you didn't,
I was worried that maybe
that would mean
that you and I...
Ryan, you never have to worry
about you and me.
We're good.
Really?
Yeah!
Anyone who's gone
to all that trouble
must care a lot.
But I shouldn't have tried
to force it.
I mean, hey, look at you
and Wilfred.
I know, it's weird, right?
Ever since the incident
with my grandfather,
I've never felt comfortable
around dogs.
I've always associated them
with this feeling of... doom.
But now with Wilfred,
I don't feel afraid any more.
I'm glad.
Wilfred...
means a lot to me.
Come here, Wilfred.
(inhaling)
(sighs)
Nice to finally meet you.
(sniffing deeply, sighs)
So I hear Amanda and
Jenna are going out
to dinner this weekend.
Yup.
And I had absolutely nothing
to do with it.
I'm proud of you, Ryan.
It's good that you're
no longer trying
to control things.
(TV station changes)
Well, like any alcoholic,
Bear had to bottom out
first, you know?
But I'm pleased to report.
Bear is back in the program.
Got a new sponsor.
And I really think
it's a step in
the right direction.
Bear's sponsor is
an origami swan?
Look, you and I both know the paper
swan can't actually talk to Bear.
But if it helps Bear, that's
all that matters, yeah?
I'm very proud of you.
(auto-tuned to dance music):
♪ My boobs are huge ♪
♪ Squishy, squishy tits ♪
♪ Squish-squish-squish ♪
♪ Squish-squish... squish ♪
♪ You've got to feel
how soft my tits are. ♪.
Well, it probably hasn't been
seen by that many people.
1.4 million views!
It's posted everywhere!
As your lawyer,
maybe I could send a cease.
FazioMcBonerz99?
Oh, God, it's humiliating.
AMANDA:
Ryan?
RYAN:
Oh. Uh...
Amanda!
Wh-What are you doing here?
Sunday morning workout.
Hi, I'm Amanda.
Oh, I'm sorry.
This is my neighbor, Jenna.
She's Wilfred's owner.
It's so nice to
finally meet you.
Yeah, you too.
Well, I gotta run, so...
see you later.
Well, she seems...
She is, she...
she totally is
I mean, she wasn't just then.
But she-she usually is.
Come on, treasure,
I know you're under there
somewhere, you dick.
(cell phone rings) It's Drew.
Hey, sweetie...
What?
They just played "Squishy Tits"
on Howard Stern.
Why are you telling me this
like you're excited?
What are you doing?
Sniffing up all the valuables
these idiot beachgoers
leave behind.
(metal detector whines)
Oh, shit!
You're not gonna believe this.
I had my arm around
Jenna and of course,
right at that moment,
Amanda shows up.
So?
So, that's not how
I wanted them to meet.
The next step in
my relationship with Amanda
is her hanging out
with my friends.
I need to make sure
th get along.
Ryan, have I ever
told you the story
about Rex and Lady?
Their owners moved in together
and tried to force
them to be friends.
But Rex was a free-spirited
swashbuckler, a dreamer,
a Renaissance dog, really.
Lady, on the other hand,
was a dyke.
So one day,
their owners made them
play in the yard together.
Well, Rex ended up killing Lady
and hiding her body
under the porch.
And every now and then,
Rex would go out and
look at the corpse
and I would find myself...
and Rex would find
himself getting aroused.
My point is, you can't
control relationships.
You have to let
things happen naturally.
"Naturally" is what just
happened on the beach.
(metal detector whines)
Oh, my God, is that a...
Piece of shit diamond broach.
Anyway, I wish they'd met
under better circumstances.
Like a dinner party.
Oh, I love dinner parties!
They totally bring out
the Pomeranian in me.
Wilfred, you're not exactly
dinner party guest material.
I mean, the smell of food makes
you drool all over the place.
And you lick people's scabs.
Ryan, it's
a perfect opportunity
for me to get to know Amanda.
You've been dating her
for over two whole months
and I haven't even so much as
sniffed her map of Tassie.
Is that her...?
Yeah.
(metal detector whines)
Whoo-hoo!
Sandy mayonnaise crusts!
Mmm!
So, that-that was funny,
running into you
at the beach today.
I'm really glad you
got to finally meet Jenna.
Yeah, me too.
You guys seem close.
I mean, you certainly
watch her dog a lot.
(chuckles)
You know, I have to ask you
a question about her.
Totally.
Anything.
Is she... Squishy Tits?
Oh, uh...
Oh, my God, I knew it.
What was her deal?
Was she on drugs?
What? No!
Uh... low blood sugar.
Look, don't judge her
based on that video.
I-I'm sure you'd really like her
if you got to know her.
Maybe we can all
hang out some time.
Like a dinner
party or something.
You mean... at your place?
I cook a pretty mean brisket.
That sounds great.
Hey, and maybe you could
even serve up some
squ-squ-squ-squish,
a-squish-a-sh-squish...
No. No, no.
...squish-squash, squish, squash.
You seriously
cannot mention that.
(mellow jazz plays)
(knocking at door)
Hey.
Hey!
Welcome.
Something smells great in here.
Brought you some.
Sheboygan Seasonal
Pumpkin Kale Ale.
Oh. Great. I think
I still have the case
that you gave me last year.
You don't have to
hoard it, buddy.
It's not our best seller.
But, hey, more for us, u
right, bro?
We're gonna put our coats
in your bedroom.
Okay.
(knocking at door)
Hey.
Hi. I made a pie.
Oh. You didn't have to do that.
I know...
but I wanted to make
a good impression.
Are they here yet?
What did you tell them about me?
That I'm a nerdy chemist who spends
all day in a windowless lab?
I did. But when they
see you in that dress,
they're not gonna believe me.
JENNA: Hey, Amanda. Hi.
It's good to see you again.
Yeah, you too.
This is Drew, my fiancée.
She makes everything
sound so fancy.
We're getting married.
Congratulations. DREW: Thanks.
That is a beautiful dress.
Thank you.
Ryan helped me pick it out.
Aw.
Seriously?
This is nice.
I'll just put this
in the kitchen
and get everyone some wine...
or some Pumpkin Kale Ale.
Oh, Jenna,
did I mention that Amanda
went to school in Santa Barbara?
Oh, no way! Drew and I are
getting married in Montecito.
I love Montecito.
Isn't it the best?
Oh, where in Montecito?
(tapping on glass)
Yoo-hoo.
What are you doing here?
I brought dessert!
I found it in the most charming
little French
bakery's Dumpster.
There's nothing in here.
Of course there is.
There's a giant grease stain
and a smidge of
crusty whipped cream.
I've already chewed up four
of these boxes this week.
After tonight, I swear
I'm going on a cleanse.
Oh, sorry we're late, by the way.
We?
Momentito.
What are you doing sitting
over here, Cranky Pants?
Can we just have a nice night
tonight? Please?
Ooh, something smells divine.
No. Wilfred!
I'll have a glass of Pinot.
Just a club soda for Bear.
Bear's back on the wagon.
Five weeks sober.
It's a miracle.
Take my coat?
Wilfred, Wilfred,
I know what this is.
You want to get to
know Amanda better,
but now isn't the time.
I need everything to
run smoothly tonight.
And it will.
(Jenna and Amanda talking)
Oh, I should say hello.
Wilfred, go home.
Please.
And miss out on
a delicious mingle?
Oh, isn't that cute?
Wilfy followed
us over to the party!
Well, hello everyone!
Amanda, so good
to see you again!
No, no, no, no!
Down! Get him off...
Get him off, get him off me!
Wilfred!
Sorry. I...
I'm not much of
a "dog person."
I think I smell
something burning.
I'm sorry.
I can take him home
if it's gonna be a problem.
No. No, I-I'll be fine.
It's-it's...
I didn't want to
make a big deal out of it.
(sighs)
You know, I just remembered...
Jenna minored in art,
and-and you... like art.
Well, I was a business major,
but this one time
my roommate and I,
we had this big argument
about whether it was
Monet or Manet.
And it turns out
both are correct.
(chuckles)
That's the great thing
about art.
I'll-I'll just, um...
I'll go get your drinks.
Wilfred, this is exactly why...
Look, Ryan, I am sorry.
I was just excited because
I know she's a special
person in your life
and I wanted to get
to know her better.
But tonight's important to you,
so I'm gonna be on my
best behavior from now on.
Really?
Some people like dogs,
some don't.
It's a free country.
You don't have to
worry about me, Ryan.
Well, thank you for being
so mature about this.
I mean, for a minute there
I thought you were gonna...
Oh, shit!
Oh, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no!
What's going on?
Isn't it obvious?
All of the tension in the air
has sent Bear
back to the bottle.
Five weeks down the drain!
Hey, look, Bear's
back on the wagon again.
Problem solved.
WILFRED:
Bear!
Looks like we're in
for a bumpy night.
Ryan, this brisket looks amazing.
Thanks.
Okay, Bear, we're almost there.
Whoopsie daisies.
WILFRED:
Excuse us, everyone.
Come on, let's get you
on your feet.
No, Bear, we're not over here.
No, you can't ride the go-carts
because we're not at
the go-cart track.
We're at Ryan's house, remember?
Um, Ryan, do you think
I could get another plate?
I think the dog may have
touched this as he walked by.
Oh... uh...
Here, take mine.
My old dog used to love
licking my plate.
She was such a sweetheart, too,
and Wilfred loved her.
Then one day,
she just ran away.
I miss you, Lady.
WILFRED: Yes, Bear, I
heard you the first time,
"Six beers and Amanda's finally
starting to look boneable."
Volume, Bear. Volume.
You know, dogs are
very hygienic animals.
So, Jenna...
how's the wedding
planning going?
Good.
I read somewhere that
dog mouths are cleaner
than people mouths.
That's actually
a common misconception.
Dogs' mouths harbor
a massive infectious
disease and viral load.
In fact, one dog lick and you
could end up with, um...
Hantavirus, E. Coli,
Hepatitis...
WILFRED: Yes, I get it, Bear.
I'm your best friend.
I'm one of the good ones.
You love me.
Well, I'm a journalist, and...
Yeah, I've seen your work.
Thanks.
I've seen plenty of research
about dogs...
Bear, your breath!
Give me a little space!
Oh! Oh, God.
Are you okay?
DREW: Okay, Wilfy, time to go.
No, it's fine, it's fine.
I'm sorry. I just, um...
I'm gonna go clean up.
(dish clatters)
You're destroying
my dinner party!
It's not me!
It's Bear!
Let's just get through
the rest of the night,
and in the morning we can try
to get Bear back to rehab.
Enough! If you keep
acting like this,
you're gonna cost me
my first real relationship
in almost two years.
Wait. Since when does
Bear have two eyes?
Bear stole that button
off Amanda's coat.
When Bear drinks,
all impulse control goes
out the window.
You ruined her coat?
Well, in all fairness,
is keeping her little
coat buttoned up
more important than
giving someone
the precious gift of sight?
Oh, God! You monster!
It's okay, Bear.
I can fix this.
Hmm, that's tight.
(moaning rhythmically)
Note to self.
Why are you doing this?
Are you trying to punish Amanda
for not liking you?
Amanda doesn't seem
to like anyone.
She says she's not
a dog person,
but she's not really a people
person either, is she?
The only reason people aren't
getting along is because of you.
I had this whole night
perfectly planned.
I told you, Ryan, you can't
force them to get along.
Oh, yeah? Watch me.
Listen, I'm sorry if it seemed
like Amanda overreacted
to Wilfred.
It's okay.
It's just a little weird
that she doesn't like dogs,
don't you think?
Actually, there's a reason
for that.
When she was a kid
she was... attacked by a dog.
Oh, my God.
She was walking home
from school,
and this huge Great Dane came
out of nowhere and bit her.
It was really traumatic.
That poor girl.
Where was she bit?
On her... left butt cheek.
There's a huge scar.
She's really sensitive
about it, so...
I won't say anything,
I promise.
I should probably go
check on her.
A Great Dane bit Amanda, huh?
That will never work.
Oh, yeah? Why not?
Because everyone knows
that the Great Dane's
preferred method of attack is
the pin-down
and-slobber-on.
Coincidentally,
that's also Drew's preferred
method of lovemaking.
I know what I'm doing.
Amanda, I am so sorry
about the wine.
And of course I will pay
for any dry cleaning.
No, it's fine, really.
It's okay.
Look, I know I've been testy
tonight, but it's not you.
I don't know if you've heard,
but there's this
Internet video that's sort
of ruining my life right now.
Oh. Uh, no, I haven't heard
anything about it.
I'll send you the link.
Anyway, uh...
I have been
super stressed-out lately.
You know what I do
when I get stressed-out?
There is this amazing spa
on Wilshire.
They have natural hot springs.
We should go sometime.
I would love that.
How about this weekend?
Okay, it's a date.
You know what this calls for?
Another round of wine.
Well, I'm a big enough dog
to admit when I'm wrong.
I guess you can force people
to like each other.
No thanks to you.
Just one question, though.
I've never been allowed
in a spa.
The patrons keep
their clothes on, right?
Oh, wait, no.
It's the opposite, isn't it?
Looks like your lie
about Amanda being bit
in the ass is
about to come back to bite...
Come on, Wilfred,
you're better than that.
Well, it seems like you and Jenna
are really hitting it off.
Yeah, I'm really looking
forward to the spa.
(quietly): I wanted to
talk to you about that.
Um, Jenna would never
tell you this herself,
but she really shouldn't be
going to the spa.
Why?
The heat is not good for her;
Heart condition.
Oh, my God.
Why did she agree to go?
She's too stubborn.
She doesn't want it to stop her
from enjoying her life, but...
No. Thank you
for telling me.
I'll just suggest
something else.
That'd probably be
for the best.
Hey, what's the ETA
on the P-I-E?
Coming right up!
Jesus!
Let me guess, drunk Bear
threw the pie in your face?!
Yes, Ryan, right after Bear said
some of the most extraordinarily
hurtful things I've ever heard
come out of someone's mouth.
I am not a butthead!
That's it! Bear's going.
Bear, let go of my paw!
You're hurting me!
Wilfred, drop it!
Hey, is everything
okay in here?
At the hell?!
Wilfred!
Bear, you could've
broken my back!
Amanda, help me up, please?
Get the dog away from me!
Where's your scar?
What scar?
Oh, I'm so sorry.
I shouldn't have said anything.
What-what are you talking about?
Oh, look,
it looks like somebody
got into the pie.
Maybe we should go for
ice cream or something.
Don't be mad, but Ryan
told us about that dog
that bit you on your butt
when you were little.
The dog that...? What?
Why would you tell them that?
He just, he wanted us to understand
why you don't like dogs.
And we totally get it.
A bite on the butt?
That's what you told them?
What the hell is
wrong with you?
Don't talk to Ryan like that.
Stay out of this, Squishy Tits.
Yikes.
You lied to your
friends about me?
I...
Uh-oh, Ryan.
Amanda was caught
with her pants down,
and now you being caught
with your pan...
Seriously, Wilfred?
You are off tonight.
Look, I didn't realize
that my history with dogs was
so important to all of you.
But why don't I just save us
all some time
and tell you the truth?
Amanda, you don't have to...
No-no-no-no-no-no,
we're all real good
friends now, right?
You want to know why
I don't like dogs?
Let's share.
When I was eight, I used
to spend every Sunday
at my grandfather's house.
He had two Blue Tick hounds,
Sam and Finnigan.
We used to take them for walks
and go for swims in the lake.
I... I looked forward
to it all week.
Then one Sunday,
my mom dropped me off,
and I went inside the house,
and there was my grandfather
lying on the kitchen floor.
He'd died of a heart attack.
(voice breaks): He'd been
there for about a week,
and the dogs,
they got so hungry that
they'd eaten both his legs
and half his face!
(slurps drool)
And that's the last time
I remember seeing my grandpa.
So thank you for the reminder!
Excuse me!
So sad.
(knocking)
Amanda, can I come in?
Drew and Jenna took off.
It's, it's just me.
Wilfred!
No, no, it's okay.
I get it now.
I was lying on
the bed here crying,
and Wilfred just came up
and cuddled up to me.
It was like he knew
I was upset.
And then, I don't know,
everything felt... better.
There, there.
Let's get those tears
off your face.
(sucking breath)
(chuckles)
Amanda, I shouldn't have lied
about the dog attack.
Yeah. Jenna doesn't have
a heart condition either,
does she?
I can't believe I called
her "Squishy Tits."
Does she hate me now?
No, no, she doesn't...
She'll, she'll get over it.
I'm sorry about everything.
I just wanted you
and Jenna to get along.
Because if you didn't,
I was worried that maybe
that would mean
that you and I...
Ryan, you never have to worry
about you and me.
We're good.
Really?
Yeah!
Anyone who's gone
to all that trouble
must care a lot.
But I shouldn't have tried
to force it.
I mean, hey, look at you
and Wilfred.
I know, it's weird, right?
Ever since the incident
with my grandfather,
I've never felt comfortable
around dogs.
I've always associated them
with this feeling of... doom.
But now with Wilfred,
I don't feel afraid any more.
I'm glad.
Wilfred...
means a lot to me.
Come here, Wilfred.
(inhaling)
(sighs)
Nice to finally meet you.
(sniffing deeply, sighs)
So I hear Amanda and
Jenna are going out
to dinner this weekend.
Yup.
And I had absolutely nothing
to do with it.
I'm proud of you, Ryan.
It's good that you're
no longer trying
to control things.
(TV station changes)
Well, like any alcoholic,
Bear had to bottom out
first, you know?
But I'm pleased to report.
Bear is back in the program.
Got a new sponsor.
And I really think
it's a step in
the right direction.
Bear's sponsor is
an origami swan?
Look, you and I both know the paper
swan can't actually talk to Bear.
But if it helps Bear, that's
all that matters, yeah?
I'm very proud of you.