Wilfred (2011–2014): Season 2, Episode 9 - Service - full transcript
An impromptu road trip leaves Wilfred, Ryan, and his family in peril.
Where's your ex?
She's been out sick all week.
Oh... oh, I get it.
(Chuckles)
She's all embarrassed
to show her face now
'cause you tapped it
and scrapped it, right?
You down with O.P.P.?
Wilfred:
Sorry, sorry...
Sorry I'm late, everyone.
Sorry.
Jen. Hair looks great today.
Whoa...
Scotty boy!
Did you see the bachelorette
last night?
Brutal.
(Laughing)
Jeremy:
Okay.
Listen up.
This morning, Kanner-McKay
announced the results
of their phase three trials
of their cancer drug...
Ahead of schedule, and, uh...
Well, what can I say?
We lost.
(All sighing)
They beat us.
All of our investors have, uh...
Jumped ship.
What?
Oh, no, no..
(Murmuring) We're screwed.
Me, speaking,
you, quieting down.
Go.
(Slurping)
Ah...
Now, I know that you're all
worried about your jobs.
And I understand that.
But my grandfather
was once trapped
inside a mine
for 15 days.
And everyone around him
had lost hope.
But not my pepaw.
He looked at those men,
and he said,
"us.
"Digging out of here.
Go."
And ten years later,
he owned that mine!
(Murmuring)
And my grandfather
never gave up hope,
and neither should you.
You should refuse
to see this situation
as a defeat...
But rather
as an opportunity
to do something even better,
even bigger!
(Excited murmurs)
Because this I know:
You will dig yourselves
out of this mine,
and you will emerge
even stronger,
and you will change the world!
(Cheering)
Baby!
(Whooping)
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I need to call the wife.
(Laughing)
Aw, man!
That was some
inspirational shit!
First I'm like, "I cannot afford
to lose this job right now,"
but it's just like Jeremy said,
you know? We gotta...
(Gunshot)
(Radio chatter)
Man.
When someone shoots
themselves in the face,
it's just like... Dude.
I don't want to cast
a darker shadow
on an already tragic day,
but I think someone may have
eaten part of Jeremy's brains.
(Water bubbling)
(Ringtone playing)
(Sighs)
Hey, kristen.
Uh, thanks for ignoring
my calls all morning.
Where have you been?
Oh. Right.
Your checkup thing.
That's right, Ryan,
my checkup thing.
For my pregnancy thing, which
you are now 30 minutes late for.
You said you'd be here, Ryan.
People in the waiting room
were looking at me
like I was a slut.
It's just... I'm not in
a good place right now.
Everything went to shit
two weeks ago, and...
That's right, Ryan.
That was two whole weeks.
Move on.
Scott, that is not
my vagina! Look,
I need you to be here for me.
I do not want to be all alone
in that delivery room.
Can't you just...
Ask someone else?
Thanks for nothing, Ryan.
Uh-oh.
Jenna's out of town.
Two single boys with no jobs
and nothing to do, whoo-hoo!
Come on, let's get started.
I don't feel like going out.
But you've been sitting on your
ass doing nothing all week.
So?
My life sucks right now.
Look, I wish I could press
the reset button, but I can't.
I'm just trying
to take care of myself.
Yeah.
And judging by the rigidity
of your load sock,
you've been taking care
of yourself quite a bit.
What do you want?
Look...
You're depressed.
I get it.
You know what I do
when I'm feeling down?
I get outside myself and
do some good in the world.
(Scoffs) Yeah, right. I do.
Remember when I mauled that black
teenager's face the other day?
You think I did that because
he had ice cream on his cheek?
No. I did it because
I hoped it would help him
go on to be the next seal.
Wait, you did what?
It's called service, Ryan.
And you can start by
making me breakfast.
I usually eat at 9:15 sharp,
and it's already
approaching... 9:17!
Come on, I'm kind of
freaking out here.
(Phone chirps)
(Sighs)
This is why we had
to rush over here... her cat?
I appreciate you both
coming on such short notice.
There, there, mum.
Oh, wilfred.
Uh, okay, the thing is...
and it's not a big deal...
it's just, I like
to have my paw on top.
I know how much
mittens meant to you.
She was my best friend.
Okay, uh, maybe you didn't
hear me the first time.
And again, it's not
a big deal, uh, but...
I usually have my paw on top.
Don't know how I can be
any more clear about that.
(Sobs quietly)
As you can see,
I'm kind of a mess right now.
Look, I...
Be cool, wilfred.
She's grieving.
Sorry for your loss.
Thank you, sweetheart.
You are just glowing
with the spirit of motherhood.
Thanks.
So is the baby a mulatto?
What? No, mom.
So you're no longer
exclusively into black love?
Is that what
you're trying to tell me?
You know what?
Uh, kristen could
really use some help
preparing for the baby.
Ryan.
Ryan: I mean, that's what I
do when I'm feeling down.
I get outside myself and
do some good in the world.
Hey, you stole my line.
You know what I say to people
when they steal my lines?
I say, "hey, hey, hey",
it's fat Albert."
Kristen,
I-I would love to help you
with your baby.
I delivered mitten's kittens.
Most of them lived.
It would be so wonderful
to be there for you.
Um, well...
I could use all the help
I can get.
Watch the baby.
It's a terrible idea.
I wouldn't recommend her
leaving the grounds.
In fact, I think
we should discuss
a more managed care situation.
But I thought she
was getting better.
Well, some people take
a turn for the worse,
especially after losing
someone close to them.
Even if it was a cat.
Mom's gonna be crushed.
Look, she's been
very resistant to this idea.
It would really help
ease the transition
if one of you
could convince her
that this is
in her best interest.
(Scoffs)
I know this is difficult.
And if you need to talk
to someone,
here's the number
of a good therapist.
He really helped me
through a tough time
after I was...
Raped.
(Laughs)
Hmm.
Shall I show you
our managed care facility?
Wilfred:
Ryan, I know the timing
couldn't possibly be any worse,
but I think someone may have
dug up mittens and eaten
part of the corpse.
(Inhales sharply)
Kristen:
Come on, Ryan.
Catherine:
Did Dr. Cahill
talk to you about that...
Managed care thing?
Yeah.
Well, what do you think?
Do you think I'm that crazy?
Of course not.
But he is the doctor, right?
Do you remember that?
When I used to help you paint?
Yeah.
(Both laugh)
You were so talented.
You had such a gift
that I gave you.
And now you kids
are all grown up
and you don't need me any more.
Of course, when you did need me,
I really wasn't there.
I will always regret that.
But...
Taking care of mittens,
that...
Made me feel useful.
And now that she's dead...
Sometimes when
your father was
yelling at me about,
I don't know,
spoons or whatever,
I had this fantasy
of just escaping
and running away from it all.
Like, actually running away.
Just doing something for me.
I've had thoughts like that.
Leaving everything behind.
All the pain, the bad memories.
Yeah.
Just hitting the road,
popping in a bitching-ass
mix tape,
and just being...
Free.
Free.
Have you lost
your mind? Mexico?
You know they eat
dogs down there.
They do not.
What, you don't think
Mexico city has a Koreatown?
Get in. I'm a creature
of habit, Ryan.
I eat, sleep, and shit
on a very rigid schedule.
You can't just take me out of my
routine. I'm not, I'm not going.
(Sighs)
Fine. Hasta la vista.
Bullshit.
We both know you're not
just gonna leave me here.
All talk, just as I suspected.
Now here's what's gonna happen.
We're gonna ditch mom,
pick up some primo,
head back to your place...
Goddamn you, Ryan.
Shotgun.
Catherine:
Whoo!
We're free!
Celebrate through
dance with me, Ryan.
Wilfred:
This is torture.
Long car rides
are animal cruelty.
(Laughs) (Laughs)
Don't think I can be distracted
with all this fun wind.
Yeah! Wind!
Apparently someone doesn't know
the rules of shotgun.
Do you think wilfred's
safe back there?
Wilfred, sit down. I don't need to sit.
Anyone who knows
anything about dogs knows
that we have perfect balance.
In fact,
there is no physical force
that can even...
(Tires squeal) (Grunts)
Ooh, ooh, oh,
there's an organic fruit stand
up ahead that's built
on what I believe to be
a vortex energy field.
Do you mind if we stop there?
Hey, it's not like we've
got anywhere to be.
Wilfred: Oh, hilarious.
I have my regular
sun spot nap at 1:30.
I need to be there
a few minutes early
for pre-nap stretching
and my yawn-squeaks.
This reminds me
of those road trips
we used to take.
Hey, do you remember that time
we drove to lake Tahoe,
and kristen wouldn't speak
to me for two days
because I said
she could be president
of the itty bitty
titty committee?
(Both chuckle)
The kids were
so cute back then.
The kids?
Oh. Uh! Brain toot!
(Blows raspberry)
I meant you and your sister.
(Chuckles)
Ryan, turn this car around now!
Calm down, wilfred!
Don't tell me to calm down!
It's your fault that I'm...
(Tires squeal) Aah!
The energy vortex is
strong here, Ryan.
I have not experienced
geomagnetic rejuvenation
like this since...
I don't know when.
Look at my mom.
She's never been so happy. You really
think you're helping her, Ryan?
Shouldn't your wife
be in managed care?
Whoops! Brain toot!
(Blows raspberry)
I meant your mother.
So she misspoke.
It was nothing.
We got to go back, mate.
No.
All right.
But don't pretend
you're doing this for her.
(Ringtone plays)
Hello.
Kristen:
Where the hell have u been?!
I'm just on a little road trip
with mom.
A little road trip?
You disappeared with our
mentally unstable mother!
She's not mentally unstable.
She's just... eccentric.
Well, imagine how "eccentric"
mom's gonna get
if she doesn't take
her mood stabilizers.
I'll make sure
she takes her meds.
Hang on.
Is that kitty litter?
There's still
turds in it! Dibs!
What the hell, dude?
I called dibs.
She-she doesn't have her
medication with her.
Of course not!
They dispense them here
because... oh, that's right,
she's mentally unstable.
I'll call you back.
Hey, hey, mind if I drive?
Uh... Come on! Get in the car!
If we make it
to Victorville by sundown,
I know a place
that rents stilts... cheap.
(Plays "shave and a haircut")
(Humming)
Uh, listen,
I just talked to kristen,
and she seems pretty worried.
We've had a fun day, right?
Maybe we should just head back.
About time!
Very funny, Ryan.
Oh! Oh... you know where
we should stay tonight?
I know the the most charming
little nudist hostel
just outside Rosarito.
That's it!
I can't take it any more!
Turn this bloody car around!
It's bad enough
mum is losing her mind,
but now little Emily down
the street will go outside
to play at 3:35 and not get
tail-whipped in the face!
Is that what you want,
you sick bastard?!
(Siren wails)
Ah...
Shit.
Thank God!
(Sighs)
Okay, Ryan, be cool.
Just hide the bag of apples
under the seat.
Why? Wait. Did you steal
this fruit?
No, I did not steal the fruit.
Fruit belongs to the
earth, and therefore,
no human being has a right
to put a price on it.
I did however steal this pen
from the cash register.
Afternoon, officer.
Wilfred:
Oh, thank God you're here.
I'm being held hostage.
My name is wilfred
Fazio Mueller,
I live at 2200 ingmar drive...
Cute dog.
Thank you.
License and registration.
Oh, gee, officer,
I left my license at home...
When I left there 20 years ago.
Would you step out of the car,
ma'am?
Ooh...
Of course, officer.
No problem.
Mom, what are you doing?!
(Metal crunching)
Mom!
Victorville stilt shop or bust!
Jesus, mom! Pull over!
Why? This is exciting!
I haven't been hassled
by the man since 1974.
You just ran over
a cop's motorcycle!
You're carrying around a purse
full of kitty litter!
What, because I want
to keep a little piece
of mittens with me,
that makes me crazy?
What's crazy is
you not sharing.
Just stop the car now!
(Brakes squeak, Ryan sighs)
Don't tell me
what to do, Henry.
Henry?
Mom, you know
I'm not dad, right?
Yeah. Yeah, of
course I do.
Mom... you're not well.
Please... let me drive.
Okay.
(Sighs)
You'll never control me, Henry!
Wait.
Buckle up, sneakers! (Engine
revving, tires squealing)
Mom! Wilfred: I'm not
sneakers, you crazy bitch.
Henry, help!
(Tires squealing, Ryan sighs)
Kristen:
I appreciate that, officer.
Like I said,
she's off of her medication.
If you find her first,
will you please let us know?
Thank you so much.
It's a good thing
you're a lawyer,
'cause mom's gonna need one.
I get it. I messed up.
Don't you think
I feel terrible about this?
You should,
because this is a disaster.
Wait. Make a left up here.
(High-pitched mewing
of kittens)
You want to do this?
I... (Scoffs) Wilfred:
You got to help me!
My name is wilfred Fazio Mue...
Oh, it's you.
Hey, mom?
Mom, it's kristen.
I'm gonna...
Hi. I'm gonna need you to
take your medication, okay?
Right. I'm sorry,
but you have to.
You're my helper, remember?
I can't help you.
Ah.
I can't even
help myself.
We should just come up with
some wacky way for me to die.
Okay, here you go,
mom. Take this.
Jesus, mom!
Look, I can't deal
with this right now!
Shut the damn cat up
and take your medicine.
Ow! Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
Are you okay?
Do I look okay, Ryan?
Oh, God, this is not happening!
No, not now! Not in some
stupid hick's gross backyard!
No offense!
A towel or something?
Shit, here comes the miracle!
I'll-I'll
call 911!
We're 50 Miles
from the nearest hospital, Ryan.
You're gonna have
to help me through this, okay?
(Sighs) Listen,
I deliver babies for a living.
You can do this,
but I need you to... ow!
Did you not hear
what she said?!
She needs your help, mate!
I... I can't.
(Kristen panting)
Ryan, I know you're depressed,
and you don't want to think of
anyone but yourself right now,
but that tainted whore
needs you.
Ryan, please!
For God's sake, go participate
in the most beautiful experience
life has to offer,
even if it means
looking directly
into your own sister's
slop-hole.
God! Oh!
It's okay, kristen.
(Sighs) I'm here.
Everything's gonna be fine.
Here, squeeze my hand, okay?
(Gasping)
You're doing good, mittens.
(Kitten mewing)
(Baby cooing)
Hi.
I'm Ryan.
I'm your Uncle.
Are you feeling better, mom?
(Baby cooing)
You know, kristen's gonna
really need your help.
And I was thinking
that maybe the best way
to do that is for you to go back
and get the help that you need.
I know.
(Baby cooing)
Careful.
(Cooing)
I'm a grandma.
(Laughs)
Listen, I hate
to be a Debbie downer,
especially in the midst
of all this joy,
but I think someone may have
eaten kristen's placenta.
(Sucks in through teeth)
(Cooing)
I won't be too long, I promise.
Take your time.
I was able to get patches
from up the street
to cover Emily's
3:45 face-whipping.
And my 4:30 Jenna
cuddle's been pushed.
But if I'm not back by 6:30 A.M.
to bark at that garbage truck,
I don't even want
to think about it.
Go.
Hey, mom.
Ryan? Hey!
Hey.
Oh, I-I... I don't want
to get paint on you.
Oh, it's okay.
So, how's your new, uh...
Your new situation?
Things are good.
I've got a lot of mileage
out of the cop story.
Um, I made a few
new friends, and
they do everything for me here.
I don't have to lift a finger.
You know, I... I haven't
painted since I was a kid.
You had a great eye.
I had a great teacher.
(soft whimper)
(Whimpering)
(Grunts)
(Panting)
Another hilary swank dream?
She was wearing a g-string
in this one.
(Panting)
(Voice breaking):
Ryan, it was so real.
She's been out sick all week.
Oh... oh, I get it.
(Chuckles)
She's all embarrassed
to show her face now
'cause you tapped it
and scrapped it, right?
You down with O.P.P.?
Wilfred:
Sorry, sorry...
Sorry I'm late, everyone.
Sorry.
Jen. Hair looks great today.
Whoa...
Scotty boy!
Did you see the bachelorette
last night?
Brutal.
(Laughing)
Jeremy:
Okay.
Listen up.
This morning, Kanner-McKay
announced the results
of their phase three trials
of their cancer drug...
Ahead of schedule, and, uh...
Well, what can I say?
We lost.
(All sighing)
They beat us.
All of our investors have, uh...
Jumped ship.
What?
Oh, no, no..
(Murmuring) We're screwed.
Me, speaking,
you, quieting down.
Go.
(Slurping)
Ah...
Now, I know that you're all
worried about your jobs.
And I understand that.
But my grandfather
was once trapped
inside a mine
for 15 days.
And everyone around him
had lost hope.
But not my pepaw.
He looked at those men,
and he said,
"us.
"Digging out of here.
Go."
And ten years later,
he owned that mine!
(Murmuring)
And my grandfather
never gave up hope,
and neither should you.
You should refuse
to see this situation
as a defeat...
But rather
as an opportunity
to do something even better,
even bigger!
(Excited murmurs)
Because this I know:
You will dig yourselves
out of this mine,
and you will emerge
even stronger,
and you will change the world!
(Cheering)
Baby!
(Whooping)
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I need to call the wife.
(Laughing)
Aw, man!
That was some
inspirational shit!
First I'm like, "I cannot afford
to lose this job right now,"
but it's just like Jeremy said,
you know? We gotta...
(Gunshot)
(Radio chatter)
Man.
When someone shoots
themselves in the face,
it's just like... Dude.
I don't want to cast
a darker shadow
on an already tragic day,
but I think someone may have
eaten part of Jeremy's brains.
(Water bubbling)
(Ringtone playing)
(Sighs)
Hey, kristen.
Uh, thanks for ignoring
my calls all morning.
Where have you been?
Oh. Right.
Your checkup thing.
That's right, Ryan,
my checkup thing.
For my pregnancy thing, which
you are now 30 minutes late for.
You said you'd be here, Ryan.
People in the waiting room
were looking at me
like I was a slut.
It's just... I'm not in
a good place right now.
Everything went to shit
two weeks ago, and...
That's right, Ryan.
That was two whole weeks.
Move on.
Scott, that is not
my vagina! Look,
I need you to be here for me.
I do not want to be all alone
in that delivery room.
Can't you just...
Ask someone else?
Thanks for nothing, Ryan.
Uh-oh.
Jenna's out of town.
Two single boys with no jobs
and nothing to do, whoo-hoo!
Come on, let's get started.
I don't feel like going out.
But you've been sitting on your
ass doing nothing all week.
So?
My life sucks right now.
Look, I wish I could press
the reset button, but I can't.
I'm just trying
to take care of myself.
Yeah.
And judging by the rigidity
of your load sock,
you've been taking care
of yourself quite a bit.
What do you want?
Look...
You're depressed.
I get it.
You know what I do
when I'm feeling down?
I get outside myself and
do some good in the world.
(Scoffs) Yeah, right. I do.
Remember when I mauled that black
teenager's face the other day?
You think I did that because
he had ice cream on his cheek?
No. I did it because
I hoped it would help him
go on to be the next seal.
Wait, you did what?
It's called service, Ryan.
And you can start by
making me breakfast.
I usually eat at 9:15 sharp,
and it's already
approaching... 9:17!
Come on, I'm kind of
freaking out here.
(Phone chirps)
(Sighs)
This is why we had
to rush over here... her cat?
I appreciate you both
coming on such short notice.
There, there, mum.
Oh, wilfred.
Uh, okay, the thing is...
and it's not a big deal...
it's just, I like
to have my paw on top.
I know how much
mittens meant to you.
She was my best friend.
Okay, uh, maybe you didn't
hear me the first time.
And again, it's not
a big deal, uh, but...
I usually have my paw on top.
Don't know how I can be
any more clear about that.
(Sobs quietly)
As you can see,
I'm kind of a mess right now.
Look, I...
Be cool, wilfred.
She's grieving.
Sorry for your loss.
Thank you, sweetheart.
You are just glowing
with the spirit of motherhood.
Thanks.
So is the baby a mulatto?
What? No, mom.
So you're no longer
exclusively into black love?
Is that what
you're trying to tell me?
You know what?
Uh, kristen could
really use some help
preparing for the baby.
Ryan.
Ryan: I mean, that's what I
do when I'm feeling down.
I get outside myself and
do some good in the world.
Hey, you stole my line.
You know what I say to people
when they steal my lines?
I say, "hey, hey, hey",
it's fat Albert."
Kristen,
I-I would love to help you
with your baby.
I delivered mitten's kittens.
Most of them lived.
It would be so wonderful
to be there for you.
Um, well...
I could use all the help
I can get.
Watch the baby.
It's a terrible idea.
I wouldn't recommend her
leaving the grounds.
In fact, I think
we should discuss
a more managed care situation.
But I thought she
was getting better.
Well, some people take
a turn for the worse,
especially after losing
someone close to them.
Even if it was a cat.
Mom's gonna be crushed.
Look, she's been
very resistant to this idea.
It would really help
ease the transition
if one of you
could convince her
that this is
in her best interest.
(Scoffs)
I know this is difficult.
And if you need to talk
to someone,
here's the number
of a good therapist.
He really helped me
through a tough time
after I was...
Raped.
(Laughs)
Hmm.
Shall I show you
our managed care facility?
Wilfred:
Ryan, I know the timing
couldn't possibly be any worse,
but I think someone may have
dug up mittens and eaten
part of the corpse.
(Inhales sharply)
Kristen:
Come on, Ryan.
Catherine:
Did Dr. Cahill
talk to you about that...
Managed care thing?
Yeah.
Well, what do you think?
Do you think I'm that crazy?
Of course not.
But he is the doctor, right?
Do you remember that?
When I used to help you paint?
Yeah.
(Both laugh)
You were so talented.
You had such a gift
that I gave you.
And now you kids
are all grown up
and you don't need me any more.
Of course, when you did need me,
I really wasn't there.
I will always regret that.
But...
Taking care of mittens,
that...
Made me feel useful.
And now that she's dead...
Sometimes when
your father was
yelling at me about,
I don't know,
spoons or whatever,
I had this fantasy
of just escaping
and running away from it all.
Like, actually running away.
Just doing something for me.
I've had thoughts like that.
Leaving everything behind.
All the pain, the bad memories.
Yeah.
Just hitting the road,
popping in a bitching-ass
mix tape,
and just being...
Free.
Free.
Have you lost
your mind? Mexico?
You know they eat
dogs down there.
They do not.
What, you don't think
Mexico city has a Koreatown?
Get in. I'm a creature
of habit, Ryan.
I eat, sleep, and shit
on a very rigid schedule.
You can't just take me out of my
routine. I'm not, I'm not going.
(Sighs)
Fine. Hasta la vista.
Bullshit.
We both know you're not
just gonna leave me here.
All talk, just as I suspected.
Now here's what's gonna happen.
We're gonna ditch mom,
pick up some primo,
head back to your place...
Goddamn you, Ryan.
Shotgun.
Catherine:
Whoo!
We're free!
Celebrate through
dance with me, Ryan.
Wilfred:
This is torture.
Long car rides
are animal cruelty.
(Laughs) (Laughs)
Don't think I can be distracted
with all this fun wind.
Yeah! Wind!
Apparently someone doesn't know
the rules of shotgun.
Do you think wilfred's
safe back there?
Wilfred, sit down. I don't need to sit.
Anyone who knows
anything about dogs knows
that we have perfect balance.
In fact,
there is no physical force
that can even...
(Tires squeal) (Grunts)
Ooh, ooh, oh,
there's an organic fruit stand
up ahead that's built
on what I believe to be
a vortex energy field.
Do you mind if we stop there?
Hey, it's not like we've
got anywhere to be.
Wilfred: Oh, hilarious.
I have my regular
sun spot nap at 1:30.
I need to be there
a few minutes early
for pre-nap stretching
and my yawn-squeaks.
This reminds me
of those road trips
we used to take.
Hey, do you remember that time
we drove to lake Tahoe,
and kristen wouldn't speak
to me for two days
because I said
she could be president
of the itty bitty
titty committee?
(Both chuckle)
The kids were
so cute back then.
The kids?
Oh. Uh! Brain toot!
(Blows raspberry)
I meant you and your sister.
(Chuckles)
Ryan, turn this car around now!
Calm down, wilfred!
Don't tell me to calm down!
It's your fault that I'm...
(Tires squeal) Aah!
The energy vortex is
strong here, Ryan.
I have not experienced
geomagnetic rejuvenation
like this since...
I don't know when.
Look at my mom.
She's never been so happy. You really
think you're helping her, Ryan?
Shouldn't your wife
be in managed care?
Whoops! Brain toot!
(Blows raspberry)
I meant your mother.
So she misspoke.
It was nothing.
We got to go back, mate.
No.
All right.
But don't pretend
you're doing this for her.
(Ringtone plays)
Hello.
Kristen:
Where the hell have u been?!
I'm just on a little road trip
with mom.
A little road trip?
You disappeared with our
mentally unstable mother!
She's not mentally unstable.
She's just... eccentric.
Well, imagine how "eccentric"
mom's gonna get
if she doesn't take
her mood stabilizers.
I'll make sure
she takes her meds.
Hang on.
Is that kitty litter?
There's still
turds in it! Dibs!
What the hell, dude?
I called dibs.
She-she doesn't have her
medication with her.
Of course not!
They dispense them here
because... oh, that's right,
she's mentally unstable.
I'll call you back.
Hey, hey, mind if I drive?
Uh... Come on! Get in the car!
If we make it
to Victorville by sundown,
I know a place
that rents stilts... cheap.
(Plays "shave and a haircut")
(Humming)
Uh, listen,
I just talked to kristen,
and she seems pretty worried.
We've had a fun day, right?
Maybe we should just head back.
About time!
Very funny, Ryan.
Oh! Oh... you know where
we should stay tonight?
I know the the most charming
little nudist hostel
just outside Rosarito.
That's it!
I can't take it any more!
Turn this bloody car around!
It's bad enough
mum is losing her mind,
but now little Emily down
the street will go outside
to play at 3:35 and not get
tail-whipped in the face!
Is that what you want,
you sick bastard?!
(Siren wails)
Ah...
Shit.
Thank God!
(Sighs)
Okay, Ryan, be cool.
Just hide the bag of apples
under the seat.
Why? Wait. Did you steal
this fruit?
No, I did not steal the fruit.
Fruit belongs to the
earth, and therefore,
no human being has a right
to put a price on it.
I did however steal this pen
from the cash register.
Afternoon, officer.
Wilfred:
Oh, thank God you're here.
I'm being held hostage.
My name is wilfred
Fazio Mueller,
I live at 2200 ingmar drive...
Cute dog.
Thank you.
License and registration.
Oh, gee, officer,
I left my license at home...
When I left there 20 years ago.
Would you step out of the car,
ma'am?
Ooh...
Of course, officer.
No problem.
Mom, what are you doing?!
(Metal crunching)
Mom!
Victorville stilt shop or bust!
Jesus, mom! Pull over!
Why? This is exciting!
I haven't been hassled
by the man since 1974.
You just ran over
a cop's motorcycle!
You're carrying around a purse
full of kitty litter!
What, because I want
to keep a little piece
of mittens with me,
that makes me crazy?
What's crazy is
you not sharing.
Just stop the car now!
(Brakes squeak, Ryan sighs)
Don't tell me
what to do, Henry.
Henry?
Mom, you know
I'm not dad, right?
Yeah. Yeah, of
course I do.
Mom... you're not well.
Please... let me drive.
Okay.
(Sighs)
You'll never control me, Henry!
Wait.
Buckle up, sneakers! (Engine
revving, tires squealing)
Mom! Wilfred: I'm not
sneakers, you crazy bitch.
Henry, help!
(Tires squealing, Ryan sighs)
Kristen:
I appreciate that, officer.
Like I said,
she's off of her medication.
If you find her first,
will you please let us know?
Thank you so much.
It's a good thing
you're a lawyer,
'cause mom's gonna need one.
I get it. I messed up.
Don't you think
I feel terrible about this?
You should,
because this is a disaster.
Wait. Make a left up here.
(High-pitched mewing
of kittens)
You want to do this?
I... (Scoffs) Wilfred:
You got to help me!
My name is wilfred Fazio Mue...
Oh, it's you.
Hey, mom?
Mom, it's kristen.
I'm gonna...
Hi. I'm gonna need you to
take your medication, okay?
Right. I'm sorry,
but you have to.
You're my helper, remember?
I can't help you.
Ah.
I can't even
help myself.
We should just come up with
some wacky way for me to die.
Okay, here you go,
mom. Take this.
Jesus, mom!
Look, I can't deal
with this right now!
Shut the damn cat up
and take your medicine.
Ow! Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
Are you okay?
Do I look okay, Ryan?
Oh, God, this is not happening!
No, not now! Not in some
stupid hick's gross backyard!
No offense!
A towel or something?
Shit, here comes the miracle!
I'll-I'll
call 911!
We're 50 Miles
from the nearest hospital, Ryan.
You're gonna have
to help me through this, okay?
(Sighs) Listen,
I deliver babies for a living.
You can do this,
but I need you to... ow!
Did you not hear
what she said?!
She needs your help, mate!
I... I can't.
(Kristen panting)
Ryan, I know you're depressed,
and you don't want to think of
anyone but yourself right now,
but that tainted whore
needs you.
Ryan, please!
For God's sake, go participate
in the most beautiful experience
life has to offer,
even if it means
looking directly
into your own sister's
slop-hole.
God! Oh!
It's okay, kristen.
(Sighs) I'm here.
Everything's gonna be fine.
Here, squeeze my hand, okay?
(Gasping)
You're doing good, mittens.
(Kitten mewing)
(Baby cooing)
Hi.
I'm Ryan.
I'm your Uncle.
Are you feeling better, mom?
(Baby cooing)
You know, kristen's gonna
really need your help.
And I was thinking
that maybe the best way
to do that is for you to go back
and get the help that you need.
I know.
(Baby cooing)
Careful.
(Cooing)
I'm a grandma.
(Laughs)
Listen, I hate
to be a Debbie downer,
especially in the midst
of all this joy,
but I think someone may have
eaten kristen's placenta.
(Sucks in through teeth)
(Cooing)
I won't be too long, I promise.
Take your time.
I was able to get patches
from up the street
to cover Emily's
3:45 face-whipping.
And my 4:30 Jenna
cuddle's been pushed.
But if I'm not back by 6:30 A.M.
to bark at that garbage truck,
I don't even want
to think about it.
Go.
Hey, mom.
Ryan? Hey!
Hey.
Oh, I-I... I don't want
to get paint on you.
Oh, it's okay.
So, how's your new, uh...
Your new situation?
Things are good.
I've got a lot of mileage
out of the cop story.
Um, I made a few
new friends, and
they do everything for me here.
I don't have to lift a finger.
You know, I... I haven't
painted since I was a kid.
You had a great eye.
I had a great teacher.
(soft whimper)
(Whimpering)
(Grunts)
(Panting)
Another hilary swank dream?
She was wearing a g-string
in this one.
(Panting)
(Voice breaking):
Ryan, it was so real.