Wilfred (2011–2014): Season 2, Episode 4 - Guilt - full transcript
Ryan must prevent Wilfred from waging war against an unlikely foe.
(Phone buzzes)
It's time, Ryan.
Time for what?
We gotta get to the
Baker Street dog park.
Jellybeans is throwing a party.
Jellybeans? That golden
retriever you hate?
Nah, Beans is my boy now!
Say what you want about Beans,
but dude knows how
to do it up right.
There might even
be a sprinkler.
(Phone buzzes)
Shit.
Kristen's on her way over
to my house.
I thought she was running
a brothel in India.
It's a birthing clinic.
Right, a brothel
supply company.
Same difference.
I don't know how
I'm gonna face her.
How could I blackmail
my own sister?
You also destroyed
her marriage,
don't forget that.
I think about it every day.
What I did was despicable.
"Was."
You sent that long
e-mail apology months ago.
Get over it.
Do you know how long
dogs feel guilty?
Five seconds, then we move on.
Where'd you get those glasses?
You like 'em?
Beans got a pair a month ago
and he's been snout-deep
in puss ever since.
You stole them, didn't you?
Sorry, Ryan. I shouldn't
have done that.
I'm not proud of myself.
I guess I just...
(Watch beeps)
And... that's enough
of that.
See? No more guilt.
Jellybeans! I'm running
a bit late, dude,
but I'm definitely gonna show.
Is the sprinkler still going?
It's Wilfred.
Wilfred Mueller.
Come on, J-Beans,
you remember me, dawg!
Wait, J-Beans!
Dropped call.
(Knocking)
That's her.
Behave.
Sat sri akal!
Hey, welcome back.
Oh.
Jesus, who gets fat in India?
Wow, are you...?
I am. In three months,
you'll be an uncle.
Whoa, whoa! Is there a baby
in there? A human baby?
No! She can't come in here!
Wilfred!
Sat sri akal to you,
too, Wilfred.
Um, just make yourself
comfortable,
and I'll make us some tea.
Wilfred, come on.
What the hell's
gotten into you?
What the hell's gotten
into you?
How could you let that Trojan
horse into this house?
Trojan horse?
There's a war out there, Ryan.
The war between dogs
and babies.
And you brought it
to our doorstep.
You're at war with
babies? Over what?
Why do any great civilizations
go to war?
To see who's cutest.
Through the millennia,
under the unseeing eyes
of mankind, we have done battle.
The rivers have run red
with blood,
and towers of mutilated
corpses have cast shadows
upon entrail-laden battlefields.
It was dogs versus babies,
so it was still
pretty cute, but...
So call a truce.
Just take it easy on Kristen.
Take it easy?
Did those babies take it easy
at the massacre on the border
of The Canine Cabana
and Norma's Day Care?
So, Dr. Ramos is
the father?
Yeah. We realized we loved
each other in India.
He flew back early and broke
things off with his wife.
Sounds like things
are going really well.
Blessings and peace
are upon me.
Look, I don't know
if you got my e-mail,
but I feel really terrible
about what I...
Ksama.
What?
Ksama, Ryan.
It means "forgiveness."
It's one of the most sacred
words in the Hindu culture.
(Exhales)
Ksama.
Okay, but I still...
Ksama.
Relax, little baby.
I'm cool.
I'm just here to talk.
Look, this war has gone on
far too long.
Maybe it's time we
end this madness.
I mean, how many babies' faces
need to get bitten?
How many dogs' ears need
to be played with
not gently enough?
We can do something
great here, you and I.
A change, a real change.
I have never felt such a sense
of community...
What, what?
Do I have a spare "dikfor"?
What's a dikfor?
What's a dikfor?
India was life-changing.
Ha-ha. You think you're cute?
This is war.
So, how-how was India?
Were you not listening
to anything that I've just said?
Sorry, I got distracted.
That's okay.
Ksama.
I have to pee.
Always have to pee.
She's still mad at me.
What are you talking about?
She just ksama'd the shit
out of you.
Hey, what are you doing?
Looking for an ultrasound.
I need to know exactly
what I'm dealing with here.
"Know your enemy."
Sun Tzu.
Give me that.
"Emergency Protective Order.
Stalking."
Wait. This is a restraining
order...
from Arturo Ramos?
Here we go.
No Down Syndrome, no
spina bifida, no lobster hands.
Jesus, this baby's gonna be
goddamn adorable.
I can't believe this.
Nothing she told me
about Arturo was true.
So what?
That's her problem.
Her problem, my fault.
That's why she's lying to me,
because I betrayed her
trust and ruined her life.
I'm the worst brother ever.
Worst brother ever?
Did you ever convince
the other siblings
in your litter to eat
your runt sister
because she was born
with no eyes?
'Cause I did that.
(Toilet flushes)
I need to make this up to her.
An apology is not enough.
As much as I love India,
it's nice not to have
a swarm of insects
trailing my ass
out of the bathroom.
Hey, I was gonna ask you,
Arturo just got us a condo
in Brentwood,
and he's having
the kitchen redone,
but all that construction noise
wouldn't be good for the baby.
So, um, could I stay with you
a couple days?
I mean, if it's not
too much trouble.
Hell, no.
Sure.
It'll give us a chance
to catch up.
Ryan, what are you doing?!
Great.
Well, I'll just grab
my bags from the rental car.
Actually, maybe you should
grab 'em.
Maybe you could also return
the rental car tonight?
And pick me up some kale?
Sure.
I'm gonna lie down.
Mind if I use your room?
What? All I did was agree
to let my pregnant sister
stay with me.
And do you feel better?
Has your guilt been alleviated?
No.
Because guilt doesn't go away
until you let it go.
It just keeps piling up.
Just like the brave,
dead soldiers
at The Battle of Babies R Us
Parking Lot.
You're just mad because
that baby's gonna take
attention away from you.
Oh, I don't think that's
gonna be a problem, Ryan.
I know how to deal with a baby.
This watermelon's
delicious, by the way.
I was just reading
this study about this girl
who had her dead,
parasitic twin's face
embedded in her back.
You should've seen the picture.
Seriously, it looked
like it was smiling.
Here, have a bite
of this squid taco.
Funny, I'm not hungry anymore.
You've never dated a scientist
before, have you?
Nope. And if we're gonna
continue seeing each other,
you need to promise to never
mention back-faces again.
No deal.
(Laughs) Come on.
I really want to kiss you,
but I don't wanna be the
only one with squid breath.
Okay.
Okay. On three, ready?
One, two, three.
Oh! You didn't eat it.
I have a meeting.
But at least now
I know you're not gonna be
kissing anyone else.
Oh, yeah, perfect.
(Phone rings)
It's my sister.
Okay. MythBusters marathon
this weekend?
Confirmed.
Hey, Kristen.
You bought the wrong kale.
There's a wrong kale?
The curly leaf is the one
with all the B vitamins, but...
it's fine... one day without it
won't curve the baby's spine.
What are you doing, Wilfred?!
Wilfred's with you?
Yeah, he's been underfoot
all day.
I almost tripped over him
at the top of the stairs.
Put him on!
Put him on?
Out. Put him outside.
♪ One, two,
vacuum's coming for you ♪
♪ Three, four, your mom
is an unwed whore... ♪
I'm coming home.
(Moaning)
Oh, my God, Kristen,
are you okay?
I was chanting!
What the hell is wrong with you?
I thought something
was wrong with the baby.
Ryan, getting upset
at this point in my pregnancy
is dangerous for me.
Sorry.
Ksama!
You know what?
I'm gonna go take a bath.
Where do you keep your razor?
Never mind. I'll find it.
Hello, Ryan.
Slow day at the office?
Wilfred, you have to stop this!
I don't know
what you're talking
about, mate.
Last night you switched her
prenatal vitamins
for morning-after pills.
And then you...
What are you doing?
That ol' black magic... voodoo.
It works, Ryan.
Watch this.
(Moaning)
You like that?
Yeah, I do like that.
(Chuckles)
Oh, you feel so good.
(Laughing):
Teeth, Wilfred, teeth!
(Moaning)
Oh! Oh! I'm gonna...!
(Gasps)
(Spits)
What the hell, dude?!
Ah!
Just stop!
I will never stop!
There's nothing you can do
to keep me from that baby.
She's the one who
should be behind bars!
The way she's working
your guilt is criminal!
If you keep this up,
you'll be an outside dog.
I'm sorry about all
the hairs in the bathtub.
I didn't even get to my legs.
That-that's okay.
I'll just, uh...
Clean the bathtub?
Thank you.
It's just, it's really tough
for me to bend down so low,
what with the beautiful soul
that's growing inside of me.
So, what's this new company
you're working for?
It's a biotech start-up.
We're working on a
cure for lung cancer.
Western medicine.
Wasn't your clinic funded
by Kanner/McKay?
I took their money,
not their drugs.
I'm not gonna pollute
my body temple
with the poison of Big Pharma.
Well, a lot of those
"poisons" save lives.
I suppose you're an expert now
that you're dating a scientist.
We'll see how long that lasts.
What does that mean?
Nothing.
It's just that, I mean,
let's be honest,
a lawyer and a chemist?
There's just not a lot
of overlap there.
Amanda and I are
actually doing great.
Sure you are.
But look at Arturo and me.
We're both healers,
so our relationship
is based on a true love
and understanding
for one another.
We'll have you over
for dinner sometime.
You can see what
that looks like.
In your new condo?
Mm-hmm.
Steady... steady...
Uh, let me get you
some more juice.
What?!
How did you scale
that giant wall?
That's impossible!
Are you secretly some sort of
magical, otherworldly entity?
'Cause I'd tell you if I was.
That's it, Wilfred.
You're going outside.
Stress is dangerous
for the baby.
Is it now?
Take your hands off me, Ryan!
Or maybe I should take out
a restraining order...
from my pocket, to use
as a bargaining chip
to trade for my
baby-gettin' stick.
We need to put
that back before...
Before what? Before it
stresses Kristen out?
Ryan?
Whoops.
Is that...?
Did you go through my things?
Uh, no, I'm just...
No, you're just curious about every
embarrassing detail of my life.
Okay. Well, let me
just fill you in.
The last time I saw Arturo was
two weeks ago
at the airport in Jaipur.
He was leaving early
to break things off with Liz.
And then I never heard
from him.
Instead of meeting me at LAX,
he sent a process server
with a restraining order.
All this time
I thought he loved me,
but you know why he
wanted me to go to India?
'Cause he thinks
I'm a good doctor! (Sobs)
I'm so sorry.
Oh, are you?!
I thought you'd be happy
to learn another
humiliating secret
to blackmail me with!
(Gasps)
Are you, are you okay?
No, I don't know.
Just call 911.
Yes! The Battle for Kristen's Bulge
has been won!
It looks like I shall have
another fontanelle
to hang from my belt.
Wilfred, listen to yourself.
We're talking about
an innocent human life.
Oh, my God.
You're right.
What have I done?
If anything happens
to that baby,
I'll never forgive myself.
(Watch beeps)
Okay, so I have blue for a
boy or pink for a girl.
Uh, hi. Yes, my sister may be
going through...
The baby's okay, but she should
stay on bed rest
for the next few days.
KRISTEN: It was just Braxton Hicks!
Go to medical school!
Have fun with that.
Why, God? Why?!
(Sobbing): What kind of
God lets a baby live?!
Dr. Ramos.
I got your message.
How's the baby?
Fine.
Kristen's in the bedroom.
You. You caused this!
You almost ruined her life,
and you don't even care.
What kind of animal are you?
RAMOS:
You're right.
It's my fault.
My-my wife made me take
out that restraining order.
I didn't want to,
but I was scared.
You have to believe me.
I want to be with your sister.
KRISTEN: Arturo, is that you?!
Mi amor!
Great, now the father's here.
How many innocent babies
need to survive
before we put an end
to this senseless nurturing?!
(Sobbing)
It's bad enough I have to sleep
on the couch in my own house.
(Kristen and Ramos moaning)
They've been at it all night.
So kick 'em out.
I can't do that.
(Loud moaning)
God, I'm such an idiot
for not duct-taping
a pizza cutter
to the end of Arturo's penis.
Will you stop?
Haven't you done enough damage?
Fine. I give up.
(Bed creaking, Kristen moaning)
What's that?
Baby food. Might as well get
used to it.
This is what it's gonna be like
three months from now.
Wilfred...
The war's over.
(Moaning stops)
I've lost.
Stop. Look, have you ever
even known a baby?
I think you might be surprised
at how much dogs
and babies have in common.
(scoffs)
It's true.
You both like to drool.
You both need someone else
to clean up your shit.
You both like naps.
We both like chewing on things.
Right?
We both have vocabularies
that are...
I mean, in a way,
it's like you're actually
fighting yourselves.
Vocabularious.
(Moaning resumes)
Maybe it's time
to call an end to hostilities
and actually get to know
each other.
Otherwise, all this tension...
when's it gonna end?
(Kristen moaning)
I could ask you
the same question, Ryan.
When is it gonna end?
She'll find a place soon.
(Moaning stops)
The guilt, mate.
How long are you
gonna hold onto it?
Until she forgives me.
And what if she never does?
You know, at some point,
you may just have
to do the forgiving for her.
Wilfred, you know,
you still have some...?
Yeah, I do.
(Ramos, Kristen moaning loudly)
Sweetie, I gotta go.
Oh.
Uh, Ryan, thanks
for, uh, everything.
Kristen said you don't
mind us using your house
as our little, uh,
palacio del amor.
I really appreciate that.
Um, yeah.
Oh.
See you tomorrow night?
What about tonight?
Uh, Liz and I have
symphony tickets.
They're... they're paid for.
Have a nice time.
(Door opens, closes)
(Clears throat)
Ryan, on your way home
from work,
I need you to pick up a soft
bristle toothbrush for Arturo.
His gums are really sensitive.
Listen, I don't know
how comfortable I am
with you guys using
my home as your
palacio del amor.
Well, that's interesting.
Because under
the circumstances,
I didn't think I was
asking all that much.
Kristen, I know
you're mad at me,
and I've been trying
to make it up to you,
but I don't know how much
longer this can go on.
Do you think that I wanted
to come here
after the way you stabbed me
in the back?
I have nowhere else
to go, Ryan.
I'm a mistress... me!
My marriage is dead,
and I'm gonna be a single mother
raising a child whose father
already has another family,
and it is all your fault!
Kristen...
No, it is!
It has to be all your fault,
because if it's not, then...
then...
Oh, shit.
I'm the one who cheated
on Leo.
And I followed
a total asshole to India.
So, so...
I did this.
I'm a really terrible person.
(Sobbing)
Everybody makes mistakes.
Feeling guilty
isn't going to help.
I know Arturo's a jerk,
but...
I don't want to be alone.
You won't be.
You're a good brother, Ryan.
(Watch beeping)
How about I make us some tea?
Oh, that'd be nice.
Hey, Wilfred.
Look, I've been
thinking it over.
Maybe after you're born,
we could get to know
one another.
Maybe you could even
fall asleep on me one day.
Or I could eat some food out
of your mouth while
you're yawning.
Anyway, these are just ideas,
but the gist is,
I wanna be friends.
You want me to be
in your club?
I'd love to be!
The Pen 15 Club?
Hang on a minute.
Just let me write that down
so I don't forget itt.
So, it's just the word "pen"
and the number "15"
with no spaces in between?
Cool name, huh?
Really? Are we
really gonna have
this debate right now?
'Cause we all know
life doesn't begin
until the fetus is
ten years old.
You have no morals.
Of course, I do.
You kill an 11-year-old,
you're going straight to hell.
What?
What are you smiling at?
Who's smiling, dude?
It is hot in here!
Oh. Do you want me to turn
the air-conditioning on?
Yes!
It's time, Ryan.
Time for what?
We gotta get to the
Baker Street dog park.
Jellybeans is throwing a party.
Jellybeans? That golden
retriever you hate?
Nah, Beans is my boy now!
Say what you want about Beans,
but dude knows how
to do it up right.
There might even
be a sprinkler.
(Phone buzzes)
Shit.
Kristen's on her way over
to my house.
I thought she was running
a brothel in India.
It's a birthing clinic.
Right, a brothel
supply company.
Same difference.
I don't know how
I'm gonna face her.
How could I blackmail
my own sister?
You also destroyed
her marriage,
don't forget that.
I think about it every day.
What I did was despicable.
"Was."
You sent that long
e-mail apology months ago.
Get over it.
Do you know how long
dogs feel guilty?
Five seconds, then we move on.
Where'd you get those glasses?
You like 'em?
Beans got a pair a month ago
and he's been snout-deep
in puss ever since.
You stole them, didn't you?
Sorry, Ryan. I shouldn't
have done that.
I'm not proud of myself.
I guess I just...
(Watch beeps)
And... that's enough
of that.
See? No more guilt.
Jellybeans! I'm running
a bit late, dude,
but I'm definitely gonna show.
Is the sprinkler still going?
It's Wilfred.
Wilfred Mueller.
Come on, J-Beans,
you remember me, dawg!
Wait, J-Beans!
Dropped call.
(Knocking)
That's her.
Behave.
Sat sri akal!
Hey, welcome back.
Oh.
Jesus, who gets fat in India?
Wow, are you...?
I am. In three months,
you'll be an uncle.
Whoa, whoa! Is there a baby
in there? A human baby?
No! She can't come in here!
Wilfred!
Sat sri akal to you,
too, Wilfred.
Um, just make yourself
comfortable,
and I'll make us some tea.
Wilfred, come on.
What the hell's
gotten into you?
What the hell's gotten
into you?
How could you let that Trojan
horse into this house?
Trojan horse?
There's a war out there, Ryan.
The war between dogs
and babies.
And you brought it
to our doorstep.
You're at war with
babies? Over what?
Why do any great civilizations
go to war?
To see who's cutest.
Through the millennia,
under the unseeing eyes
of mankind, we have done battle.
The rivers have run red
with blood,
and towers of mutilated
corpses have cast shadows
upon entrail-laden battlefields.
It was dogs versus babies,
so it was still
pretty cute, but...
So call a truce.
Just take it easy on Kristen.
Take it easy?
Did those babies take it easy
at the massacre on the border
of The Canine Cabana
and Norma's Day Care?
So, Dr. Ramos is
the father?
Yeah. We realized we loved
each other in India.
He flew back early and broke
things off with his wife.
Sounds like things
are going really well.
Blessings and peace
are upon me.
Look, I don't know
if you got my e-mail,
but I feel really terrible
about what I...
Ksama.
What?
Ksama, Ryan.
It means "forgiveness."
It's one of the most sacred
words in the Hindu culture.
(Exhales)
Ksama.
Okay, but I still...
Ksama.
Relax, little baby.
I'm cool.
I'm just here to talk.
Look, this war has gone on
far too long.
Maybe it's time we
end this madness.
I mean, how many babies' faces
need to get bitten?
How many dogs' ears need
to be played with
not gently enough?
We can do something
great here, you and I.
A change, a real change.
I have never felt such a sense
of community...
What, what?
Do I have a spare "dikfor"?
What's a dikfor?
What's a dikfor?
India was life-changing.
Ha-ha. You think you're cute?
This is war.
So, how-how was India?
Were you not listening
to anything that I've just said?
Sorry, I got distracted.
That's okay.
Ksama.
I have to pee.
Always have to pee.
She's still mad at me.
What are you talking about?
She just ksama'd the shit
out of you.
Hey, what are you doing?
Looking for an ultrasound.
I need to know exactly
what I'm dealing with here.
"Know your enemy."
Sun Tzu.
Give me that.
"Emergency Protective Order.
Stalking."
Wait. This is a restraining
order...
from Arturo Ramos?
Here we go.
No Down Syndrome, no
spina bifida, no lobster hands.
Jesus, this baby's gonna be
goddamn adorable.
I can't believe this.
Nothing she told me
about Arturo was true.
So what?
That's her problem.
Her problem, my fault.
That's why she's lying to me,
because I betrayed her
trust and ruined her life.
I'm the worst brother ever.
Worst brother ever?
Did you ever convince
the other siblings
in your litter to eat
your runt sister
because she was born
with no eyes?
'Cause I did that.
(Toilet flushes)
I need to make this up to her.
An apology is not enough.
As much as I love India,
it's nice not to have
a swarm of insects
trailing my ass
out of the bathroom.
Hey, I was gonna ask you,
Arturo just got us a condo
in Brentwood,
and he's having
the kitchen redone,
but all that construction noise
wouldn't be good for the baby.
So, um, could I stay with you
a couple days?
I mean, if it's not
too much trouble.
Hell, no.
Sure.
It'll give us a chance
to catch up.
Ryan, what are you doing?!
Great.
Well, I'll just grab
my bags from the rental car.
Actually, maybe you should
grab 'em.
Maybe you could also return
the rental car tonight?
And pick me up some kale?
Sure.
I'm gonna lie down.
Mind if I use your room?
What? All I did was agree
to let my pregnant sister
stay with me.
And do you feel better?
Has your guilt been alleviated?
No.
Because guilt doesn't go away
until you let it go.
It just keeps piling up.
Just like the brave,
dead soldiers
at The Battle of Babies R Us
Parking Lot.
You're just mad because
that baby's gonna take
attention away from you.
Oh, I don't think that's
gonna be a problem, Ryan.
I know how to deal with a baby.
This watermelon's
delicious, by the way.
I was just reading
this study about this girl
who had her dead,
parasitic twin's face
embedded in her back.
You should've seen the picture.
Seriously, it looked
like it was smiling.
Here, have a bite
of this squid taco.
Funny, I'm not hungry anymore.
You've never dated a scientist
before, have you?
Nope. And if we're gonna
continue seeing each other,
you need to promise to never
mention back-faces again.
No deal.
(Laughs) Come on.
I really want to kiss you,
but I don't wanna be the
only one with squid breath.
Okay.
Okay. On three, ready?
One, two, three.
Oh! You didn't eat it.
I have a meeting.
But at least now
I know you're not gonna be
kissing anyone else.
Oh, yeah, perfect.
(Phone rings)
It's my sister.
Okay. MythBusters marathon
this weekend?
Confirmed.
Hey, Kristen.
You bought the wrong kale.
There's a wrong kale?
The curly leaf is the one
with all the B vitamins, but...
it's fine... one day without it
won't curve the baby's spine.
What are you doing, Wilfred?!
Wilfred's with you?
Yeah, he's been underfoot
all day.
I almost tripped over him
at the top of the stairs.
Put him on!
Put him on?
Out. Put him outside.
♪ One, two,
vacuum's coming for you ♪
♪ Three, four, your mom
is an unwed whore... ♪
I'm coming home.
(Moaning)
Oh, my God, Kristen,
are you okay?
I was chanting!
What the hell is wrong with you?
I thought something
was wrong with the baby.
Ryan, getting upset
at this point in my pregnancy
is dangerous for me.
Sorry.
Ksama!
You know what?
I'm gonna go take a bath.
Where do you keep your razor?
Never mind. I'll find it.
Hello, Ryan.
Slow day at the office?
Wilfred, you have to stop this!
I don't know
what you're talking
about, mate.
Last night you switched her
prenatal vitamins
for morning-after pills.
And then you...
What are you doing?
That ol' black magic... voodoo.
It works, Ryan.
Watch this.
(Moaning)
You like that?
Yeah, I do like that.
(Chuckles)
Oh, you feel so good.
(Laughing):
Teeth, Wilfred, teeth!
(Moaning)
Oh! Oh! I'm gonna...!
(Gasps)
(Spits)
What the hell, dude?!
Ah!
Just stop!
I will never stop!
There's nothing you can do
to keep me from that baby.
She's the one who
should be behind bars!
The way she's working
your guilt is criminal!
If you keep this up,
you'll be an outside dog.
I'm sorry about all
the hairs in the bathtub.
I didn't even get to my legs.
That-that's okay.
I'll just, uh...
Clean the bathtub?
Thank you.
It's just, it's really tough
for me to bend down so low,
what with the beautiful soul
that's growing inside of me.
So, what's this new company
you're working for?
It's a biotech start-up.
We're working on a
cure for lung cancer.
Western medicine.
Wasn't your clinic funded
by Kanner/McKay?
I took their money,
not their drugs.
I'm not gonna pollute
my body temple
with the poison of Big Pharma.
Well, a lot of those
"poisons" save lives.
I suppose you're an expert now
that you're dating a scientist.
We'll see how long that lasts.
What does that mean?
Nothing.
It's just that, I mean,
let's be honest,
a lawyer and a chemist?
There's just not a lot
of overlap there.
Amanda and I are
actually doing great.
Sure you are.
But look at Arturo and me.
We're both healers,
so our relationship
is based on a true love
and understanding
for one another.
We'll have you over
for dinner sometime.
You can see what
that looks like.
In your new condo?
Mm-hmm.
Steady... steady...
Uh, let me get you
some more juice.
What?!
How did you scale
that giant wall?
That's impossible!
Are you secretly some sort of
magical, otherworldly entity?
'Cause I'd tell you if I was.
That's it, Wilfred.
You're going outside.
Stress is dangerous
for the baby.
Is it now?
Take your hands off me, Ryan!
Or maybe I should take out
a restraining order...
from my pocket, to use
as a bargaining chip
to trade for my
baby-gettin' stick.
We need to put
that back before...
Before what? Before it
stresses Kristen out?
Ryan?
Whoops.
Is that...?
Did you go through my things?
Uh, no, I'm just...
No, you're just curious about every
embarrassing detail of my life.
Okay. Well, let me
just fill you in.
The last time I saw Arturo was
two weeks ago
at the airport in Jaipur.
He was leaving early
to break things off with Liz.
And then I never heard
from him.
Instead of meeting me at LAX,
he sent a process server
with a restraining order.
All this time
I thought he loved me,
but you know why he
wanted me to go to India?
'Cause he thinks
I'm a good doctor! (Sobs)
I'm so sorry.
Oh, are you?!
I thought you'd be happy
to learn another
humiliating secret
to blackmail me with!
(Gasps)
Are you, are you okay?
No, I don't know.
Just call 911.
Yes! The Battle for Kristen's Bulge
has been won!
It looks like I shall have
another fontanelle
to hang from my belt.
Wilfred, listen to yourself.
We're talking about
an innocent human life.
Oh, my God.
You're right.
What have I done?
If anything happens
to that baby,
I'll never forgive myself.
(Watch beeps)
Okay, so I have blue for a
boy or pink for a girl.
Uh, hi. Yes, my sister may be
going through...
The baby's okay, but she should
stay on bed rest
for the next few days.
KRISTEN: It was just Braxton Hicks!
Go to medical school!
Have fun with that.
Why, God? Why?!
(Sobbing): What kind of
God lets a baby live?!
Dr. Ramos.
I got your message.
How's the baby?
Fine.
Kristen's in the bedroom.
You. You caused this!
You almost ruined her life,
and you don't even care.
What kind of animal are you?
RAMOS:
You're right.
It's my fault.
My-my wife made me take
out that restraining order.
I didn't want to,
but I was scared.
You have to believe me.
I want to be with your sister.
KRISTEN: Arturo, is that you?!
Mi amor!
Great, now the father's here.
How many innocent babies
need to survive
before we put an end
to this senseless nurturing?!
(Sobbing)
It's bad enough I have to sleep
on the couch in my own house.
(Kristen and Ramos moaning)
They've been at it all night.
So kick 'em out.
I can't do that.
(Loud moaning)
God, I'm such an idiot
for not duct-taping
a pizza cutter
to the end of Arturo's penis.
Will you stop?
Haven't you done enough damage?
Fine. I give up.
(Bed creaking, Kristen moaning)
What's that?
Baby food. Might as well get
used to it.
This is what it's gonna be like
three months from now.
Wilfred...
The war's over.
(Moaning stops)
I've lost.
Stop. Look, have you ever
even known a baby?
I think you might be surprised
at how much dogs
and babies have in common.
(scoffs)
It's true.
You both like to drool.
You both need someone else
to clean up your shit.
You both like naps.
We both like chewing on things.
Right?
We both have vocabularies
that are...
I mean, in a way,
it's like you're actually
fighting yourselves.
Vocabularious.
(Moaning resumes)
Maybe it's time
to call an end to hostilities
and actually get to know
each other.
Otherwise, all this tension...
when's it gonna end?
(Kristen moaning)
I could ask you
the same question, Ryan.
When is it gonna end?
She'll find a place soon.
(Moaning stops)
The guilt, mate.
How long are you
gonna hold onto it?
Until she forgives me.
And what if she never does?
You know, at some point,
you may just have
to do the forgiving for her.
Wilfred, you know,
you still have some...?
Yeah, I do.
(Ramos, Kristen moaning loudly)
Sweetie, I gotta go.
Oh.
Uh, Ryan, thanks
for, uh, everything.
Kristen said you don't
mind us using your house
as our little, uh,
palacio del amor.
I really appreciate that.
Um, yeah.
Oh.
See you tomorrow night?
What about tonight?
Uh, Liz and I have
symphony tickets.
They're... they're paid for.
Have a nice time.
(Door opens, closes)
(Clears throat)
Ryan, on your way home
from work,
I need you to pick up a soft
bristle toothbrush for Arturo.
His gums are really sensitive.
Listen, I don't know
how comfortable I am
with you guys using
my home as your
palacio del amor.
Well, that's interesting.
Because under
the circumstances,
I didn't think I was
asking all that much.
Kristen, I know
you're mad at me,
and I've been trying
to make it up to you,
but I don't know how much
longer this can go on.
Do you think that I wanted
to come here
after the way you stabbed me
in the back?
I have nowhere else
to go, Ryan.
I'm a mistress... me!
My marriage is dead,
and I'm gonna be a single mother
raising a child whose father
already has another family,
and it is all your fault!
Kristen...
No, it is!
It has to be all your fault,
because if it's not, then...
then...
Oh, shit.
I'm the one who cheated
on Leo.
And I followed
a total asshole to India.
So, so...
I did this.
I'm a really terrible person.
(Sobbing)
Everybody makes mistakes.
Feeling guilty
isn't going to help.
I know Arturo's a jerk,
but...
I don't want to be alone.
You won't be.
You're a good brother, Ryan.
(Watch beeping)
How about I make us some tea?
Oh, that'd be nice.
Hey, Wilfred.
Look, I've been
thinking it over.
Maybe after you're born,
we could get to know
one another.
Maybe you could even
fall asleep on me one day.
Or I could eat some food out
of your mouth while
you're yawning.
Anyway, these are just ideas,
but the gist is,
I wanna be friends.
You want me to be
in your club?
I'd love to be!
The Pen 15 Club?
Hang on a minute.
Just let me write that down
so I don't forget itt.
So, it's just the word "pen"
and the number "15"
with no spaces in between?
Cool name, huh?
Really? Are we
really gonna have
this debate right now?
'Cause we all know
life doesn't begin
until the fetus is
ten years old.
You have no morals.
Of course, I do.
You kill an 11-year-old,
you're going straight to hell.
What?
What are you smiling at?
Who's smiling, dude?
It is hot in here!
Oh. Do you want me to turn
the air-conditioning on?
Yes!