Wilfred (2011–2014): Season 2, Episode 3 - Dignity - full transcript

So, you know how
girls aren't supposed

to eat on the first date?
Well, just a heads-up...

I'm starving,
and I'm not going to hold back.

Well, I don't mind breaking a
rule or two, like how the guy's

supposed to pick up the check
on a first date.

Ryan, can we dialogue?
I talk, you listen. Go.

I need you to...

Am I interrupting
something here?

We were just on our way out.
Well, it'll just take a second.

The CNVN311 patent.

I need you to review and
summarize by Friday. Possible?



This Friday? Sure.

Ooh, you sound confident.

Thursday.

Possible?

Sure. Thursday.
Whatever you need.

I like your attitude.

Let's make it Wednesday.

Wow.

We have eyeless test bunnies
in the lab

who have it easier than you.

I'm gonna have to start this
tonight. Rain check?

Sure.

I'll just pretend all this
waiting and rescheduling

is some sort of
elaborate foreplay.



What do you want?

I just want to talk.

Staying home alone is boring.

I'm sorry, but I'm working.
Jenna and Drew will be back

in a couple of weeks.
I'm hanging up now.

Wait, wait, real quick.

Did you have anything
interesting for lunch?

Any spicy sausage?

Did you fart?
What did it smell like?

My boss just threw another
huge assignment in my lap.

I don't have time for this.
I even had to cancel a date.

Well, that's 'cause you let
your boss walk all over you.

You can't let him keep chipping
away

at your dignity like a cheap
coat of artic glow semigloss.

Garbage time!

What choice do I have?

I'm lucky to even have this job.

You keep thinking like that,

you'll be cleaning up
other people's shit

for the rest of your life.

You need to stand up
for yourself, mate.

What I need is for my boss

to ease up and you to let me
get some work done.

Don't wait up.

- Oh, this is bullshit!
- In.

- But I'm innocent.
- So you didn't trash my living room?

One man's trash is
another man's feng shui.

That's why I left that
pool of yellow water

by the southeast door.

I'm going to be late. Get in.

Why can't I go with you?
I can't take a dog to the office.

So you're just going to
leave me in that thing,

like some guy caged up
like some animal?

Ryan, I'm
a social butterfly.

I need to be where the
people dance. Please?

All right, but this
is a one time thing.

- Understand?
- Yeah!

Wait till I distract Stacey,
go straight to my office,

third door on the right,
and stay there.

Hey, Stacey.
Hey, Ryan.

How's the, uh, coffee?

Oh, um, actually,
it's not that great.

- Oh.
- Yeah.

Ah, shit!

There's a guy over there!
There's a guy over here!

There's a lady here!

Ryan, look, look!

- There's people everywhere!
- Oh, my God.

He is so cute.

And you, darling,
are a 9.5 out of 20.

Oh!

- Oh, come here, buddy.
- All right.

Ooh, he's so soft.

Sounds like somebody
wants to see my balls.

Aw, he wants a tummy rub.

I'll do it.

Is he with you?

Uh, he's my neighbor's dog.

I'm watching him for the week.

- Oh.
- You okay?

Yeah, I just need
a cup of coffee.

Traffic is out of control!

Instead of a high-occupancy
Lane, okay, they should have

a high-productivity Lane,
and that way, the people

who contribute the
most to society

can get to where they
need to go faster!

Stacey, get the guy who's in
charge of that on my phone!

Is anyone else concerned
that there's a stale,

half-eaten wheat thin
under this desk?

Is that a dog in my office?

Huh?

Tell me...

That is not

a doggy in my office!

Whoo!

Hi-ya, doggy!

Hi, doggy! Whoa...

Who's a cuddly puppy? You are?
Yes, you are.

Grinding me, on the floor,
spooning me from behind.

This is happening.
This is actually happening.

Ooh, whose baby are you?
Huh?

He's... my baby, sir.

He is? Is Ryan
your big daddy?

Jeremy, I have the state highway
commissioner on line one.

Well, I've got a
belly rub on line two.

Yes, I do! Yes, I do!

Hey, Ryan.
How's that patent report going?

I may have to work all night,

but I should have it
by the morning.

Eh, or the next day.
That'll be fine.

- Yes, it will. Yes, it will.
- Yeah, that could work.

And I'll have to leave
Wilfred at home.

- He can be kind of distracting.
- You know what, get it to me whenever.

- Who wants a back rub?
- You've had your jollies.

Can you give someone else
a turn, eh?

First day on the job,
and I totally killed it.

Felicia in Accounting, she
puts on this whale sound CD,

and I'm like, "What's that
sound? What's that sound?

What's that sound?"

And, of course, I knew it
was a whale the whole time.

Well, you see,
I was pretending.

That's the bit.

Yeah, well, anyway,
it was pretty cute.

To the first happy hour
we've seen in months.

We should probably toast
to Wilfred, right?

I mean, the effect
he had on Jeremy,

it's like magic.

Actually, it's chemistry.

Contact with dogs causes the
human brain to release oxytocin,

which is the same hormone
that mothers produce

when they're nursing
their babies.

Is it weird that I'm so
turned on by how smart you are?

Would it turn you on even more

if I answered that
question in Latin?

Es-yay.

What are you doing
this weekend?

Getting older.

Friday's my birthday.

- Do you have any plans?
- I don't know.

I was thinking maybe a
Swanson's chicken potpie

and huff some keyboard cleaner,
see where that takes me.

Or I could take you
out to dinner

and we could huff
keyboard cleaner together.

Okay, but I only huff
the good stuff.

I'm kind of a
keyboard cleaner snob.

Ah.

No, but seriously, that
would be really nice.

And then Judith in PR,

who apparently
never laughs, says,

"look, he's got scotch tape
on the bottom of his paw."

And you know what?

I did!

I absolutely did.

Oh, we all had a real good laugh
at that one, let me tell you.

Anyway, guys,
I better get back to my friends.

Uh, it was good
chatting with you.

I'll kill you!

I brought balls!

Balls!

Balls outside
the conference room!

You like balls?

Yay, Ryan brought his dog in
again today.

Is this going to
be an everyday thing?

Ryan, could you, like, put
your dog in your office?

Yeah, he's cute, but,
you know...

- Yeah, okay, okay.
- Balls, balls.

- Come on.
- Balls! Balls! Balls!

- Wilfred...
- Balls! Balls! Balls!

Wilfred, in my office now!

I'm sorry.
It's okay.

I'm bombing out there.

Not a single laugh.

Not even an "aw."
It's bullshit!

Ow!

- Aw.
- This is no joke.

I'm an office dog.

It's my duty
to entertain and amuse,

and if I can't do it,
they'll bring in

some foosball table who can!

Yeah, in this economy,
there's plenty

of hungry young tables
that'll work for nothing.

- Suck my dick, Ryan.
- Lighten up.

After two days, the novelty
of an office dog has worn thin.

So what? Jeremy likes you.

That guy rubs me the wrong way.

Literally,
like, against the grain.

From tail to head.

- Who does that?
- He's in a good mood.

That's all that matters.
Well, that's all that matters to you.

They loved me once.

I don't understand.

Why am I slipping?

Slipping.

That's it.

What are you going to do?

Something big, something epic.

Something people
will be talking about

for the rest of their morning.

- Possibly through to lunch.
- Wilfred, please.

Hey! Everyone,

look at me.

I'm going to run

and make a sharp turn
into the break room.

I'm sure that my paws will have
no trouble getting traction

on this slippery polished
concrete floor.

Wait. W-Wilfred, don't!

Oh, great.

Jesus, Ryan.
I just had a salty lunch.

Ricky to the rescue!

Are you not entertained?

Are you not entertained?

What is wrong with you people?!

What the hell
is going on out here? Huh?

And why is everybody
just standing around?

Except for you, Ricky.

You're doing
a great job, as always.

Ryan's dog knocked over
the water cooler.

I don't give a shit
about the water cooler.

I just got off the phone
with my source from Kanner/McKay

who told me that they
are developing a compound

that is nearly
identical to ours.

And I swear to God,
if those clowns

come up with a cure
for lung cancer,

it is going to be
a sad, sad day.

Everyone, work now!

Ryan!

Where's my CNVN report?

Oh, I thought you said I could

- get that to you whenever.
- Whenever?

Does that sound like the type
of thing a person who puts

$50 million of his own
on the line would say?

When am I
going to get it?

Is Monday okay?

Tomorrow.

Possible?

You, not being a dick,
possible?

Tomorrow, Friday?

But that patent is
three inches thick.

Three inches?

Stacey, have we sent Ryan
the CNVN311 addendum yet?

I hereby tender
my resignation as office dog.

Well, it'll be a pretty
big blow to the company.

Don't forget to schedule an exit
interview with the snow globe.

I'm serious, Ryan.
I'm not going back there.

Those idiots
wouldn't know adorable

if it cornered them
in a holding cell

and raped them
with a plunger handle.

That reminds me...
Bear, can you pick up a plunger

- before our next date night?
- Wilfred,

you have to come back
to the office with me.

I'm never going to
finish this in time.

You need to put Jeremy
in a good mood

so I can ask for an extension.

If I have to cancel
on Amanda again,

- I'm afraid she'll give up on me.
- You don't need me.

You just need to quit whining
and get some self-respect.

I mean, this is your father
all over again.

- What are you talking about?
- You never stood up to him, either.

So intimidated.

So desperate for approval.

Can't even check "no"
on an RSVP card.

Oh...

Don't tell me you want to go

to your father's
black-tie circle jerk.

Stop psychoanalyzing me.

It's two completely
different situations.

Really, Ryan?

Jeremy's nothing
like your father?

So, when that stern
authority figure

makes unreasonable
demands of you,

you don't feel weak
and powerless?

Your palms don't sweat?

And your stomach
doesn't twist into knots?

You don't fool me, Ryan.

You may wear
big-boy pants now,

but underneath it all,

you've still got that same
little-boy penis.

You're coming back to the
office with me, and that's it.

No way.

Not unless you help me

come up with some new material.

I have to finish
this by tomorrow.

You think I have time to
teach you a new trick?

No, I need to come up
with a whole new adorable act.

Better put on a pot of coffee.

This is probably
going to take us all night.

Us?

Oh, your ass just got jinxed.

Nice one, Bear!

You owe him a coke, by the way.

Wilfred
Come on.

Adorable, adorable, adorable.
What's adorable?

How about this?

I lie down on the floor
and pretend I'm asleep.

Then I start twitching
and making cute little noises,

like I'm dreaming
about chasing a rabbit

through a field of clouds.
Cute shit, right?

- Sure, whatever.
- Ah, that's not it!

Better write that down, Bear.
There might be something there.

Wilfred, we've been
at this all night.

Well, maybe we'd
be done if you'd

focus on making me
look adorable

instead of goofing around
with your little legal brief.

All right.

What about, I don't know,
sad, droopy dog eyes?

What the...?
Are you kidding me?

Lassie was doing sad,
droopy dog eyes back in 1955.

That shit is hack.

Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah,
what about this?

Okay, I'm sitting down

doing nothing,
then, suddenly, I lift my head,

cock my ears
and look really alert...

for absolutely no reason.

That's great.

Honestly, the fact
that you think it's great

makes me think it's not great.

What's that?

Oh, really?

Okay,
this will be interesting.

Bear's got a pitch.
Okay, let's hear it.

Oh, that sounds
pretty good, huh?

Really?

If it's so good,
why did you interrupt Bear

in the middle of his pitch?

Go on, Bear.

What, what, that's it?

That's the pitch?

For God sakes, Wilfred, just pick
something... anything.

Maybe you're right.
We got to have something here.

Let me just check
through these notes.

What the...?

Are you kidding me?

45 pages of lower-case H's?

What, have you been writing
none of this down?

- Jesus, Bear!
- Wilfred, calm down!

How could I calm down?!
We've got nothing, Ryan!

Nothing!

You are a disgrace!

I can't even look
at you right now.

Where's your sex bag?

Wilfred... look.

Of course.

Bear, you are a genius.

Bag on my head,
and I can't get it off.

Bag on my head,
and I can't get it off!

Okay, new plan.

Bear, you sit over here.
Ryan, you type.

Jeremy?

Can I talk to you for a second?

You got my report?

Actually, that's what I
wanted to talk to you about.

But before we do that, I assume
you want to say good morning

to your favorite...

Wilfred?

Ladies and gentlemen,

how's everybody
doing this morning?

It's good to be back here
in the office.

Uh, how many people work here?
A show of hands?

Okay, uh, I'll just...

I'll just get
straight into it, then.

Um...

Hey! Where did this
paper bag come from?

Kevin, did you eat
all the jalapenos

off my cheddar
jalapeno bagel again?

No. No. Why?

- Hey.
- Hi.

I'm excited about tonight.

Me, too.

So, it seems
there's this bag...

Athletic injury
in your sleep.

Excuse me, do I come into
your place of business

and interrupt you
when you're working?

Anyway,
back to the bag.

I wonder what's inside.

Careful, doggy!

Don't get your head
stuck in a bag.

- What the hell are you doing?!
- Hey, look at me.

I'm a dumb dog.

Oh, very cute, Ricky.

You bastard!

Did you see that?!

Slow Piscopo stole my bit
right out from under me!

You know what you need...
a good belly rub.

And I think Jeremy's available.

Hi, guys! Toilet time.

Shouldn't you be out
terrifying white-water rafters

with your banjo music?

Hey, Ricky, could you
give us a minute?

But... but it's toilet time.

Hi, doggy!

Wilfred! Wilfred!

Again, I am...
I am so, so sorry about this.

Go get help!
Shh!

It's really not that bad.

Let me
out of here, Ryan!

Why did he hurt my face?

I love him.
I know.

I look terrible!

Don't worry, pretty boy.

- You still got your quick wit.
- Listen, Ricky,

it's very important that we
don't tell anyone about this.

Okay? I could lose my job.

I could forget about it

if you do my job.

Are you blackmailing me?

Maybe I am, maybe I'm not.

I'm not really sure
what blackmailing means.

Do it!

That
dude is such a slowpoke.

I mean, talk about dumb.

The guy redefines...
Ah, shit!

Enough, Wilfred.
I'm not in the mood.

Oh, now you put your foot down.

You could have been off
experimenting

with that scientist chick
right now

if you just stood up
for yourself.

What? This all happened
because of your

- insatiable need for attention.
- No, Ryan.

This happened because
you're a human door mat.

Either help me
or get out of here.

You're doing a shit job
at that shit job.

Jesus, are you good at anything?

No wonder you're so starved
for your father's approval.

You never did anything
to earn it.

That's not true.
I did everything to earn it.

Well, maybe you didn't
try hard enough.

I couldn't have tried
any harder.

Then maybe you're
not good enough.

Well, then, screw you!

I'm a great lawyer,
and I was a great son.

Look, I did everything right,

and all I got
in return was shit.

Well, I'm done!

Say it again.

I'm done.

Ah, shit!

Ah, Ryan.

Look, Jeremy,

I will not be finishing
that report by tomorrow.

I have a date tonight.

I'm good at my job,
and I will work

my ass off for you,
but only if we set some limits.

- First...
- You got it.

I do?

Yeah, whatever you want.

- Really?
- Totally.

See you Monday.

I'll be there in 15 minutes.

Order me a keyboard cleaner.

That was incredible.

I had no idea it'd be so easy

to get what I wanted
from Jeremy.

Me, neither. I was like 99% sure
you were going to get fired.

You're an inspiration, Ryan.
You hear me?

In fact, I'm going to go give
Jeremy a piece of my mind.

- Tail to head, my ass.
- Wilfred!

Jeremy...

Sorry, Jeremy. I...

You know, I think I'm
going to take next week off.

Possible?

Very, very possible.

Go.

Oh, my God.

It's the 21st century.

I can't believe you
still believe that.

Let's just assume for a second
that the world really is round,

like you say.

The good people of America
are right here on top.

And the Chinese folk
are on the bottom.

Why do they not just fall off?

What, you expect me to believe

they have magnets
in their shoes?

It's not magnets.
It's gravity.

- And it's in their shoes?
- Yes.