Where the Bears Are (2012–…): Season 2, Episode 4 - Bears in Chains - full transcript
While following a lead to The Stockroom, a popular Silver Lake fetish shop, the Bears fall into the clutches of a wild-eyed dominatrix named Mistress Lena (special guest star Margaret Cho), who comes armed with an array of sex toys including an electric cattle prod, a spinning torture wheel and a vibrating dildo. Nelson: Ben Zook. Wood: Joe Dietl. Reggie: Rick Copp. Stockroom Daddy #1: Patrick Z. Stockroom Daddy #2: Billy Hamilton. Slaveboy: Daniel Blair.
Welcome to Stock Room. May I help you?
Yes. We were wondering if you might be able to tell us who bought this?
It's a ball stretcher.
I'm not very familiar with the inventory at the Stock Room.
I only work here part time to raise money
for my church to go to Europe and tour famous cathedrals.
You couldn't have just applied for a job at Starbucks?
Oh no. My religion forbids me to be even near caffeine.
But it's okay to work here?
The store must keep sales records. Would you mind if we take a quick peek?
I do not think the owner would approve.
We would be happy to contribute to your trip. Wouldn't we guys?
Wood, give her twenty bucks. Me? Why do I have to give her money?
We know how much that stupid web cam show of yours makes?
No more free rides. Pay her. Fine.
There you go.
They keep the book in back. So I will take you there.
Only one can come. Other two wait to see if owner come.
I'll go. I'll be back in a minute.
I don't know about that thing. It's ribbed.
It feels pretty good.
I've done that one before. I've done that. I've done that. That.
What haven't you shoved up your ass?
Seriously, why would anybody spend money on nipple clamps
when you can buy clothes pins for a fraction of the price at Costco. I don't get it.
Reggie sure has been back there a long time.
I'm going to go check on him.
Hi there, Welcome to the Stockroom.
I don't really work here. I've never even been to a store like this.
Don't get me wrong. I'm not a prude. I like sex.
Shut up bitch! Show us the butt plugs. Butt plugs. Aisle three I think.
Reggie? Reggie?
What the hell are they doing back there?
Guys?
Come on you guys, this isn't funny!
Hey guys?
Hey church girl. Where is everybody?
(moaning)
Reggie, is that you?
(moaning)
What the fuck is going on here?
Put this on! I thought I told you to wait outside! Get that shirt off!
Do not disobey Mistress Lena or you will be punished like your friends here.
Mistress Lena? Really?
What's with the outfit and the voice?
I can't believe you feel for that meek Asian stereotype.
It proves that you are a racist pig.
You've got to be kidding me. Do I look like I'm kidding?
Stop. Stop. Please stop. I will stop when I am ready to stop!
Get down! Oh, don't worry Sasquatch. I didn't forget about you.
It's kind of like Wheel of Fortune, isn't it?
Except there's no fortune and I can zap your nutsuck whenever I feel like it.
Does your church group know that you talk like this? They probably don't like it.
Did I say you could speak? Get down!
This has all been really very entertaining and strangely elaborate.
I didn't know we were in for this.
We're not into the whole BDSM thing, okay? We are just here for some information from your books.
All right. How about this?
Two of you can go look at my books if one of you will stay and take this.
He'll do it!
Okay, according to the records. There were only two
Titanium Triple X Limited Edition Ball Stretcher sold in this store.
The first one was to... Betty White? Surely it's not the same one, right?
The second one was to... Mo Kapoor! Elliot Butler's Chief of Staff! I knew it!
I knew he was acting suspicious. You know what I think? I think Mo and Elliot were sexually
involved and something went horribly wrong in the relationship and Mo killed him in a
crime of passion. What do you want to do, Nancy Boy Drew?
We need to investigate him!
Well, we know that he is pretty kinky cause of the ball stretcher.
And we also know that he is into leather. Cause look at all the stuff he's bought through the years.
And where do all the leather queens go on a Friday night?
Faultline! Okay, let's head out.
I feel like we're forgetting something.
No. I don't think so.
(muffled screams)
Yes. We were wondering if you might be able to tell us who bought this?
It's a ball stretcher.
I'm not very familiar with the inventory at the Stock Room.
I only work here part time to raise money
for my church to go to Europe and tour famous cathedrals.
You couldn't have just applied for a job at Starbucks?
Oh no. My religion forbids me to be even near caffeine.
But it's okay to work here?
The store must keep sales records. Would you mind if we take a quick peek?
I do not think the owner would approve.
We would be happy to contribute to your trip. Wouldn't we guys?
Wood, give her twenty bucks. Me? Why do I have to give her money?
We know how much that stupid web cam show of yours makes?
No more free rides. Pay her. Fine.
There you go.
They keep the book in back. So I will take you there.
Only one can come. Other two wait to see if owner come.
I'll go. I'll be back in a minute.
I don't know about that thing. It's ribbed.
It feels pretty good.
I've done that one before. I've done that. I've done that. That.
What haven't you shoved up your ass?
Seriously, why would anybody spend money on nipple clamps
when you can buy clothes pins for a fraction of the price at Costco. I don't get it.
Reggie sure has been back there a long time.
I'm going to go check on him.
Hi there, Welcome to the Stockroom.
I don't really work here. I've never even been to a store like this.
Don't get me wrong. I'm not a prude. I like sex.
Shut up bitch! Show us the butt plugs. Butt plugs. Aisle three I think.
Reggie? Reggie?
What the hell are they doing back there?
Guys?
Come on you guys, this isn't funny!
Hey guys?
Hey church girl. Where is everybody?
(moaning)
Reggie, is that you?
(moaning)
What the fuck is going on here?
Put this on! I thought I told you to wait outside! Get that shirt off!
Do not disobey Mistress Lena or you will be punished like your friends here.
Mistress Lena? Really?
What's with the outfit and the voice?
I can't believe you feel for that meek Asian stereotype.
It proves that you are a racist pig.
You've got to be kidding me. Do I look like I'm kidding?
Stop. Stop. Please stop. I will stop when I am ready to stop!
Get down! Oh, don't worry Sasquatch. I didn't forget about you.
It's kind of like Wheel of Fortune, isn't it?
Except there's no fortune and I can zap your nutsuck whenever I feel like it.
Does your church group know that you talk like this? They probably don't like it.
Did I say you could speak? Get down!
This has all been really very entertaining and strangely elaborate.
I didn't know we were in for this.
We're not into the whole BDSM thing, okay? We are just here for some information from your books.
All right. How about this?
Two of you can go look at my books if one of you will stay and take this.
He'll do it!
Okay, according to the records. There were only two
Titanium Triple X Limited Edition Ball Stretcher sold in this store.
The first one was to... Betty White? Surely it's not the same one, right?
The second one was to... Mo Kapoor! Elliot Butler's Chief of Staff! I knew it!
I knew he was acting suspicious. You know what I think? I think Mo and Elliot were sexually
involved and something went horribly wrong in the relationship and Mo killed him in a
crime of passion. What do you want to do, Nancy Boy Drew?
We need to investigate him!
Well, we know that he is pretty kinky cause of the ball stretcher.
And we also know that he is into leather. Cause look at all the stuff he's bought through the years.
And where do all the leather queens go on a Friday night?
Faultline! Okay, let's head out.
I feel like we're forgetting something.
No. I don't think so.
(muffled screams)