Where the Bears Are (2012–…): Season 2, Episode 3 - Clear the Bear - full transcript

I was so nervous. I kept stammering. I know he thought I was acting suspicious.

Reggie, you have nothing to worry about. You're totally innocent.

Well, he was standing over the body. He's right. I was.

Yeah, but Elliot Butler was shot and there was no gun found at the scene.

He could've hid it before the detectives got there and they just haven't found it yet.

If they had anything on him, they would've arrested him and not let him come home.

Stop it.

You know, they could be giving Reggie a false sense of security.

Let him think he's off the hook and then he slips up and they nail him.

Shut up Wood! You're upsetting him. No. Wood is right. This is not going to end well.

I am going to prison for a crime I did not commit.



Omigod! I will be the most popular inmate there.

All those big, hairy convicts are going to want to have sex with me.

I will get no writing done

because of the gang bangs in the shower, in my cell, in the laundry room.

Remind me again why I don't want to go to prison?

Would you stop? This is serious. Prison rape isn't funny.

Who said anything about rape? I'm totally willing!

I still don't get it. What was Elliot trying to say to you? Dumbo? What's it mean?

Dumbo? Maybe he was trying to finger Wood as the killer.

Did I just say that out loud? I'm sorry. I do that sometimes and don't even know it.

I don't know. I hate Disney cartoons.

Except for Aladdin because Arab men make me so hard!

Are you saying you get sexually aroused by an animated character that's basically jail bait?

Not the kid with the magic carpet.



The hot daddy who's chasing him around trying to kill him. Jafar.

Look at those. Those are two interesting pieces.

You like these? I just did them the other week.

I found some paints. I was just messing around.

This one's me and this one's you. I mean this one's you and this one's me.

So what do you think? Wow. It's like Christmas morning.

Who knew you had so much stuff? It's kind of great though, right?

We're finally moving in together after all this time talking about it.

So what do you think? Above the bed? Dresser? Above the bed.

Alright. You've got it.

That way I won't have to look at it while we're having sex.

Only if you avoid certain positions. I'll get it.

Those would haunt me in my sleep.

Detective Winters. You're back.

Call me Chad. I think we're way past the point of being formal.

Detective Martinez! You know each other. We're partners.

Partners! Wow. Partners! What a coincidence! Partners! How cool!

Can we come in? Yeah, come on in.

So I'm in the clear? You're not here to arrest me?

No. The test we did on your hands came back negative.

There was no gun residue so there was no way you could have shot him.

Thank God! I'm not going away twenty years for murder!

No, you're not. What's up with you guys and dead bodies anyway?

Excuse me, guys. Officers. Morning.

I must say, you're looking particularly handsome today, Wood.

Isn't he? He hasn't changed a bit. He looks just like he did in 1998.

I can't tell you how many times I jerked off to his picture in college.

Me too. In high school.

My mother could never figure out why we kept running out of Kleenex.

Are you two here to brief us or to audition for Raging Stallion?

Hey! Look here. Eyes here! Hey you!

Did you figure out what Dumbo means? We were just discussing it.

We searched Elliot Butler's house and found a very extensive Disney collection.

Dumbo was probably his favorite movie.

Whose dying words are to tell everyone their favorite movie? That doesn't make any sense.

Leave the investigating to the professionals, okay, Mr. Hatch?

I think we're done here. For now.

Thank you, Officers. That was very informative. Not.

Did you remember to get the parmesan cheese? Sorry. I forgot.

Babe, Wednesday night is Spaghetti night was your idea.

I just got home from an out of town case. I can't remember everything.

I know. Your mother is right. You're way too good for me.

I am not relying on Crockett and Tubbs to solve Elliot's murder.

Come on, they can't even pick up the clues that they're both fooling around with Wood.

Elliot was my friend and I am going to get to the bottom of this.

Now, it's pretty obvious he had sex right before somebody shot him.

How do you know that? He probably sniffed his penis before the cops showed up.

Gross.

I found this at the crime scene and I slipped it my pocket when the detective wasn't

looking in case it's an important clue and could clear my name if they charge me.

Wait a minute. Isn't that evidence tamponing?

You mean "evidence tampering" Wood. And yes it is. And it's illeagle.

I was facing murder charges, Nelson. Forgive me for being a little desperate.

What the hell is this thing anyway?

Come on. Everybody knows.

This is a Titanium XXX limited edition ball stretcher that you can only get at the Stock Room.

I didn't know that. Did you? Of course.

A Titanium XXX limited edition ball stretcher. From the Stock Room?

Vanilla.