Where the Bears Are (2012–…): Season 2, Episode 21 - Bear in a Panic - full transcript

Hey everybody. Before you watch episode 21.

I'm going to show you a quick sneak peak of our Where The Bears Are Season 2 DVD.

Cha Ching! Hello! Score!

Ya!

Woow!

Ya!

Oh God!

Oh God!

Oh God!

Oh fuck! Oh fuck!

Do you have any of those diapers laying around?



Our Season 2 DVD is chock full of amazing extras.

Including the uncensored, feature length version of our show.

And when we say uncensored, that means you get to see a little ass.

Well, actually, you get to see a lot of ass.

It also has an all new 20 minute Thanksgiving episode.

that marks the return of fan favorite, Honey Garrett, from Season 1.

There's also a very special half hour Wood's Web Cam segment.

That chronicles our recent trip to the Mediterranean. That was sponsored by CRUISE4BEARS.

We had a blast and it was really funny.

And you get to see the actual Soak 'Ems commercial.

That, Nelson, my character shot for adult diapers.

And if that isn't worth the cost of the DVD. Me dancing around in diapers, I don't know what is.

You also get to see all new, never been seen, bloopers, outtakes and deleted scenes.

And our infamous feature length commentary.



Where we all get really drunk and dish about stuff that happened on the shoot.

So please help us recoup our costs for Season 2 and begin to raise money for a Season 3.

We are completely self financed. We do this all by ourselves.

So it's only with your help that we can continue to do our show.

So if you love our show, please support us. Don't mind that airplane. Keep listening to me.

Go to our online store at wherethebearsare.tv and pre order your DVD today.

That way you are going to have it before everyone else does and in plenty of time for Thanksgiving.

And that way you can be eating your Thanksgiving dinner and watching our Thanksgiving special at the same time.

And if you order both DVD's. Hi plane. If you order both Season 1 and Season 2 together, you get $5 off.

So you can't beat that. Hi plane. Do it now.

Enjoy episode 21, There's a significant plot twist in this episode,

so please keep it to yourself. Don't tell your friends on line and on Facebook.

Keep the secret. I don't know if I can watch it. It's kind of scary.

What is the matter with you?

This! Dumbo! Did you guys do this? Are you screwing with me?

No.

Well, we're the only four people who knew what Elliot said to me right before he died.

If we didn't put that in there who did?

It's a very popular Disney movie.

Yeah, Nelson's right. Anybody could have put it in there.

Yeah. You're being paranormal.

He means paranoid. And he's right.

Dumbo! What are the odds? And why didn't anybody out there admit to writing it down?

I don't know. It's a lame Celebrity clue. Maybe they're embarrassed. They should be.

I think you've been reading too many mystery novels.

Ivan is Elliot's killer. He's in jail now. He was arrested. He tried to kill the two of us.

But we never connected him to Dumbo.

What if Dumbo was a clue identifying the real killer?

What if Ivan isn't the killer and the real killer is still lurking around out there somewhere?

Oh my god! Calm down. Are you high? Did you do a pot brownie or something?

We agreed. No more medicinal marijuana. Especially on vacations.

Don't you remember what happened last time?

Wood thought he was the lunesta butterfly and tried to fly out of a window naked?

I am not high!

Well, you're acting crazy.

Just like me thinking I'm seeing Cyril everywhere. It's the same thing.

Reggie, are you okay? The guys all left. I'm worried about you.

I'm all right. I'm just exhausted. Can we just call it a night?

I'm sorry about all that. My nerves are just a little on edge.

Hey, thanks for being here for me. I'm really glad you came.

I'm glad I came too.

That's what I'm talking about. I've waited a long time for this.

Here we go. And...

I don't know about you. But the mountains make me pretty horny.

Is that so?

Yeah. How are you feeling? I kind of like that. How's that?

That's good too. I thought I took care of that earlier though. It came back.

Better take care of it again. How are those nipples doing?

Oh it's going to be that kind of night, huh? It is going to be that kind of night.

Okay. Here we go.

Oh my god! What? What?

I thought I saw Cyril again. Again?

I know. I know. It's crazy. I'm just being paranoid like Reggie.

Forget it. He's not out there. He's not out there. He's not out there.

No. Let's go to bed. Let's have sex.

(phone rings)

Hello?

Good morning, sleepy head. I didn't want to wake you earlier but I went into town to get bagels.

I will love you forever if you put some coffee on.

Jeremy?

I always knew you'd be a screamer Reggie, but don't be rude and wake up the whole house.

What? No coffee? Do I have to do everything Reggie-Reg?

Reggie?

I don't understand. Why would you come back here?

To be with you. I'm crazy about you, Reggie.

I've been waiting for my moment to surprise you. But you were never alone.

Cyril, I am sorry if during our interviews I gave you the wrong impression.

How could you shoving your tongue down my throat possibly give me the wrong impression?

Okay, I may have crossed a line, but we can't be together.

It's because of Nelson, isn't it? He doesn't approve.

What's his beef anyway?

Oh, I don't know. Maybe you stabbing him in the neck with the poison injection thing? Maybe?

He really needs to let that go.

Wood, we made breakfast...

Todd, we need two more place settings.

They both showed up last night and said they couldn't live without me.

We're going to give this whole thruple thing a try.

Oh my god. Look at them. They both have morning wood.

Just when I think I can't get more progressive, you raise the bar.

Okay. I just need to borrow your phone. My battery is dead and I need to check my e-mail.

They want to schedule a costume fitting for this commercial I'm doing next week.

I thought adult diapers were one size fits all.

Morning.

Morning. Hey! Morning.

Hi. Morning.

Okay. I'm just going to go out and I'll come back later to borrow the phone.

No. Borrow the phone. Just hurry.

I really do need to check my e-mail. Where is it?

Oh! Yes! Is it over here?

All right. I'm not seeing anything. You're three consenting adults.

Awesome detectives. But you know what? One of you is better at that than the other.

Wood, the phone's not here. It's not here.

It was there last night. Oh, you know what? It's in the bed.

I'm not going in the bed.

Where? Here? Just get it. Hurry up! I'm busy. Hello!

Dude, that's my ass! Not a phone!

Okay. Got it! Victory.

I'm sorry detectives. Rude!

You were the one who asked me to go under the covers!

Just get the hell out!

Don't mind me!

Now I can finally have you to myself. No more distractions.

Who is this Jeremy douchebag anyway? He's so fucking milquetoast!

I expected more from you, Reggie. We'll be getting rid of him too.

Oh my god! You killed Elliot. And it's all my fault.

You overheard me talking about him on the phone.

Elliot looks so much better than he did in college. He's all beefed up.

He's got this sexy beard. And he's going to be a big time politician now.

I will be with you in one minute. Why can't I find someone like that?

Nelson wasn't being paranoid. You were at the pool party.

You saw how bad I wanted to get in to see Elliot and that drove you crazy.

So you waited until he was alone.

And you shot him dead.

You found a way to gain access to Ivan's office.

And then you planted the gun on Ivan knowing it would come out eventually that he was Elliot's unstable ex.

I knew I shouldn't have kissed you that day.

I should have learned from the mistakes of my idol Truman Capote

who got way too close to those "In Cold Blood" guys!

My therapist told me that it was healthy to point out the annoying habits of your lover

so that it doesn't build up inside and cause problems later.

So here goes.

Reggie, you talk too much!

We are not a couple, Cyril! We never will be!

I knew this was going to be a messy break up.