Where the Bears Are (2012–…): Season 2, Episode 19 - Crazy Bear - full transcript
After Nelson (Ben Zook) stumbles across the murder weapon that killed Elliot Butler, the police put an APB out on the main suspect who is on the run and possibly hiding out near the Bears' house in Silver Lake where he could be awaiting the opportunity to exact revenge. Todd: Ian Parks. Reggie: Rick Copp. Wood: Joe Dietl. Ivan: Howard Skora. Detective Winters: Chad Sanders. Detective Martinez: George Unda. Cyril: Scott Beauchemin.
Hey there, surprise!
We have some exciting news. As of today you can now order our season 2 Where The Bears Are DVD.
That's right, our Season 2 DVD is available now and is bigger and better then the Season 1 DVD, isn't it?
Absolutely!
It is chock full of amazing extras, including the uncensored feature length version of Season 2 in uninterupted Movie form.
And guys, it's a whollopallooza it's somewhere around 2 1/2 hours.
It's like a Martin Scorsese film. Or Lord of The Rings. Or Roots the Next Generation. You're getting your money's worth.
And when we say uncensored, we mean you get to see a lot of ass. And who doesn't like to see ass.
And it also has a 20 minute Thanksgiving Special.
Original and can only be seen on the DVD.
Featuring the brilliant Brooke Dillman who's back as Honey Garrett to make Nelson's life miserable.
See how we did that? We did a Christmas Special in Season 1 and a Thanksgiving Special in Season 2.
Can anyone say Halloween next year?
ANd Flag Day!. It also features a very special half hour Wood's Web Cam Show.
Chronicling our recent trip to the Mediterranean sponsored by Cruise4Bears.
And edited by Ian. I put it together as well.
It needs to be cut down. It needs a lot of work. It is amazing!
You get to see Wood making an ass of himself at the Coliseum.
The 2 of us fighting in Monaco and Reggie making out with basically every bear on the ship.
And if that's not enough, our DVD has the actual Soak 'Ems commercial that my character Nelson shot for Adult Diapers.
So if you want to see me dance around in Adult Diapers, then buy the DVD.
We're trying to sell DVD's. You can fast forward past that. You don't have to watch all the extras.
And like last season, we have bloopers, outtakes, deleted scenes and our infamous feature commentary.
Where we all get drunk and dish about what happened during the shoot this season.
And I make a fool of myself, again.
Lot's of Martinis and lots of Red Wine.
Please help us recoup our costs for Season 2 and begin raising money for Season 3.
We are completely self financed and it is only with your help that we are able to do this show.
So go to our online store at wherethebearsare.tv and preorder your Season 2 DVD today.
That way, you will get it before everyone else does. You can rub it in their faces.
And you'll get it in time for Thanksgiving.
And if you order the DVD's for both Season 1 and Season 2 together in a bulk, you get 5 dollars off.
You can't beat that. Discount.
Can we drink now?
He got me drinking on the cruise. I never use to drink.
It's 7AM. It's happy hour somewhere.
I just got off the phone with the detectives.
The gun I found in Ivan's office matches the gun that killed Elliot Butler.
Bingo!
Yeah. We were right. Your ex is the killer! Crazy!
It turns out he has a history of mental illness.
In fact, he was hospitalized years ago for attacking somebody.
This is great. Oh my God. This is fantastic.
Wow.
I can't believe that I'm actually going to get justice and closure for Elliot's family.
Is that who you're texting?
No. My book agent. I'm going to get double the advance I got for the last book. Double!
The cops went to pick up Ivan but he fled so they put out an APB on him.
Oh my God. I hope this doesn't affect my Soak 'Ems campaign.
Speaking of which, I had an entire case of adult diapers delivered here earlier today and a few of them are missing.
Any idea where they went?
I didn't touch them.
Don't look at me. I can control my bowels.
Okay. Okay.
I went to get the new iPhone at the Apple Store today.
But you have to wait in line all day and I didn't want to lose my spot.
PS: Hello! They are really super absorbant.
Come on. Let's get some champagne and celebrate. Yes.
This is surreal. I can't believe Ivan's a killer now.
I knew he had some emotional problems and when he went off his medication he really went off his medication.
But murder? I didn't think he had it in him.
Hey. Look on the bright side.
You now get to brag to all your family and friends.
You're dating the Diaper King.
Yay.
Lucky me.
Who left that open?
Not a word or I'll slit your fucking throat.
The police are looking for you.
They're probably in Wood's bedroom as we speak.
Shut up you fat fuck!
I can't believe you. You ruined my life.
You ruined your own life! Killing your ex Elliot!
I found the gun in your office.
That's bullshit! You planted it there!
Don't make things worse, Ivan. Put down the knife.
No! Why would Todd want to be with you?
Why doesn't Todd love me?
Elliot didn't love.
Todd doesn't love me.
Put down the knife!
Why doesn't anybody fucking love me?
Goodbye, Todd.
Are you all right?
You saved my life.
No. You saved mine.
Oh my God! I'm calling the police.
I'll do it.
Hello, police? Can you come over to our house immediately?
Wow. You 911 guys are really on top of it!
You guys are like super cops!
I didn't even have to leave my address for the operator.
Wood, we didn't come for the call.
We came to break up with you.
It was the only way we could save our marriage.
We thought we could make it work but at the end of the day three's a crowd.
Hey, but it was fun while it lasted.
Have fun making license plates in prison, Ivan!
I'm going to be making big money wearing diapers.
Nelson, are you okay?
Yeah, I'm fine. Paramedics just gave me a couple of stitches.
Well, look at you all bad ass with the pain.
You know, I was really proud of you tonight. You were very brave.
Hey, I have a great idea.
Let's get away for the weekend. Take a mini vacation. We can go to Big Bear.
But I didn't win the raffle for the cabin.
Can we afford it?
Are you kidding me? After what happened here tonight?
My next book royalties are going to be through the roof!
I'm sorry I didn't take you more seriously about Ivan.
Hey, you don't owe me any apologies, okay.
If anybody owes any apologies around here it's me to you. I've been nuts lately.
Imagining you having sex with everybody you encounter and thinking I see Cyril around every corner.
I've been crazy lately.
Look, I'll take you just the way you are.
And besides, don't crazy people have the best sex?
Yeah. That explains it.
We have some exciting news. As of today you can now order our season 2 Where The Bears Are DVD.
That's right, our Season 2 DVD is available now and is bigger and better then the Season 1 DVD, isn't it?
Absolutely!
It is chock full of amazing extras, including the uncensored feature length version of Season 2 in uninterupted Movie form.
And guys, it's a whollopallooza it's somewhere around 2 1/2 hours.
It's like a Martin Scorsese film. Or Lord of The Rings. Or Roots the Next Generation. You're getting your money's worth.
And when we say uncensored, we mean you get to see a lot of ass. And who doesn't like to see ass.
And it also has a 20 minute Thanksgiving Special.
Original and can only be seen on the DVD.
Featuring the brilliant Brooke Dillman who's back as Honey Garrett to make Nelson's life miserable.
See how we did that? We did a Christmas Special in Season 1 and a Thanksgiving Special in Season 2.
Can anyone say Halloween next year?
ANd Flag Day!. It also features a very special half hour Wood's Web Cam Show.
Chronicling our recent trip to the Mediterranean sponsored by Cruise4Bears.
And edited by Ian. I put it together as well.
It needs to be cut down. It needs a lot of work. It is amazing!
You get to see Wood making an ass of himself at the Coliseum.
The 2 of us fighting in Monaco and Reggie making out with basically every bear on the ship.
And if that's not enough, our DVD has the actual Soak 'Ems commercial that my character Nelson shot for Adult Diapers.
So if you want to see me dance around in Adult Diapers, then buy the DVD.
We're trying to sell DVD's. You can fast forward past that. You don't have to watch all the extras.
And like last season, we have bloopers, outtakes, deleted scenes and our infamous feature commentary.
Where we all get drunk and dish about what happened during the shoot this season.
And I make a fool of myself, again.
Lot's of Martinis and lots of Red Wine.
Please help us recoup our costs for Season 2 and begin raising money for Season 3.
We are completely self financed and it is only with your help that we are able to do this show.
So go to our online store at wherethebearsare.tv and preorder your Season 2 DVD today.
That way, you will get it before everyone else does. You can rub it in their faces.
And you'll get it in time for Thanksgiving.
And if you order the DVD's for both Season 1 and Season 2 together in a bulk, you get 5 dollars off.
You can't beat that. Discount.
Can we drink now?
He got me drinking on the cruise. I never use to drink.
It's 7AM. It's happy hour somewhere.
I just got off the phone with the detectives.
The gun I found in Ivan's office matches the gun that killed Elliot Butler.
Bingo!
Yeah. We were right. Your ex is the killer! Crazy!
It turns out he has a history of mental illness.
In fact, he was hospitalized years ago for attacking somebody.
This is great. Oh my God. This is fantastic.
Wow.
I can't believe that I'm actually going to get justice and closure for Elliot's family.
Is that who you're texting?
No. My book agent. I'm going to get double the advance I got for the last book. Double!
The cops went to pick up Ivan but he fled so they put out an APB on him.
Oh my God. I hope this doesn't affect my Soak 'Ems campaign.
Speaking of which, I had an entire case of adult diapers delivered here earlier today and a few of them are missing.
Any idea where they went?
I didn't touch them.
Don't look at me. I can control my bowels.
Okay. Okay.
I went to get the new iPhone at the Apple Store today.
But you have to wait in line all day and I didn't want to lose my spot.
PS: Hello! They are really super absorbant.
Come on. Let's get some champagne and celebrate. Yes.
This is surreal. I can't believe Ivan's a killer now.
I knew he had some emotional problems and when he went off his medication he really went off his medication.
But murder? I didn't think he had it in him.
Hey. Look on the bright side.
You now get to brag to all your family and friends.
You're dating the Diaper King.
Yay.
Lucky me.
Who left that open?
Not a word or I'll slit your fucking throat.
The police are looking for you.
They're probably in Wood's bedroom as we speak.
Shut up you fat fuck!
I can't believe you. You ruined my life.
You ruined your own life! Killing your ex Elliot!
I found the gun in your office.
That's bullshit! You planted it there!
Don't make things worse, Ivan. Put down the knife.
No! Why would Todd want to be with you?
Why doesn't Todd love me?
Elliot didn't love.
Todd doesn't love me.
Put down the knife!
Why doesn't anybody fucking love me?
Goodbye, Todd.
Are you all right?
You saved my life.
No. You saved mine.
Oh my God! I'm calling the police.
I'll do it.
Hello, police? Can you come over to our house immediately?
Wow. You 911 guys are really on top of it!
You guys are like super cops!
I didn't even have to leave my address for the operator.
Wood, we didn't come for the call.
We came to break up with you.
It was the only way we could save our marriage.
We thought we could make it work but at the end of the day three's a crowd.
Hey, but it was fun while it lasted.
Have fun making license plates in prison, Ivan!
I'm going to be making big money wearing diapers.
Nelson, are you okay?
Yeah, I'm fine. Paramedics just gave me a couple of stitches.
Well, look at you all bad ass with the pain.
You know, I was really proud of you tonight. You were very brave.
Hey, I have a great idea.
Let's get away for the weekend. Take a mini vacation. We can go to Big Bear.
But I didn't win the raffle for the cabin.
Can we afford it?
Are you kidding me? After what happened here tonight?
My next book royalties are going to be through the roof!
I'm sorry I didn't take you more seriously about Ivan.
Hey, you don't owe me any apologies, okay.
If anybody owes any apologies around here it's me to you. I've been nuts lately.
Imagining you having sex with everybody you encounter and thinking I see Cyril around every corner.
I've been crazy lately.
Look, I'll take you just the way you are.
And besides, don't crazy people have the best sex?
Yeah. That explains it.