Where the Bears Are (2012–…): Season 2, Episode 18 - Bear Audition - full transcript
When Nelson shows up at Ivan's casting office to confront him about his suspicious relationship with Elliot Butler, he's quickly distracted by auditions to be the spokesman for an adult diaper product called Soak 'Ems and is determined to win the part and become the face of incontinence.
Hey. Let's check out Ivan's Facebook page. Maybe we'll find some evidence.
You know, Detective Winters and Marcus say they use it all the time to bust dudes.
God, I love their penises.
I know you do. You talk about them enough.
Hey, Reggie. Didn't you go to Marist College in upstate New York.
Yeah. Why? So did Ivan.
What? Move over.
He's right. And he was an Alpha Phi Delta. They were like our biggest rival.
I don't remember Ivan in college.
Guys! See what this means? Ivan and Elliot didn't just have a nasty break up.
They have some sort of checkered history together.
This just solidifies our case.
They must have had some sort of fight at the party
and then things got out of hand and Ivan shot Elliot dead on the spot.
How do we prove it?
I tell you what. I'm going to go over to Ivan's casting studio
and dig around a little and see what I can come up with.
I love this!
Oh my God. Preston Beckworth died a few months ago. He was in my fraternity.
Ivan started a memorial page. I had no idea.
Were you guys close?
Back then but we kind of lost touch over the years.
Preston is one of those guys who is really shallow, bitchy, slutty and my god did he drink way too much
and frankly I didn't want that kind of behavior rubbing off on me.
Don't say a word.
Are they casting something here today?
What is this?
I am totally right for this.
Why doesn't my manager ever submit me for this stuff.
What the hell are you doing here? I didn't call you in to read for this.
Actually I came here to talk to you about something else but as long as I'm here...
Forget it. Get lost, Dorkoff!
That's not very nice.
That's his name, queen!
How many more people do we have to see because... who's this?
A huge pain in the ass. He was just leaving.
I was thinking about going with someone younger.
I can play young. What is this? A pilot?
Commercial.
What's the product?
Adult diapers.
I'm Nelson Dorkoff.
I haven't started the camera yet.
I'm sorry. I'm a little nervous.
I haven't had a commercial audition since I lost out to that guy from Modern Family for the national Tums spot.
Like you have to be famous to get indigestion.
I get gas all the time.
Just go ahead and slate your name. Okay? Just go.
I'm Nelson Dorkoff and I'm with Last Stop Management.
Anytime you're ready, Nelson.
Here I am at a red carpet Hollywood premiere. And I'm wearing a diaper.
Hey, look at me on the tennis court. Nice backhand, right? I'm wearing a diaper.
Wow! Look at me! I'm really raising the roof at a buddy's wedding. And I'm wearing a diaper.
Soak 'Ems. Super absorbent adult briefs.
I'm dry where it counts.
Thanks for coming in, Nelson.
Book him.
What?
I haven't seen anybody today who made me believe more that he wears a diaper.
Wait a minute. Let's not rush into a decision. There are actors we still need to see.
Actors with actual talent and credits.
I want him. Make it happen.
See you on set.
Yep. We found our shitter.
You fat, hairy fuck. Now I have to go tell the real actors to go home.
Hi, everyone. Listen, thank you so much for your time but the role has been cast. Thank you.
But... Get the fuck out!
Sorry, guys. What can I say? I nailed it. Nice try though. Good effort.
Why did you come here, Nelson? Was it to warn me to stay away from Todd or else?
No. I don't need to warn you, Ivan. I have complete trust in Todd.
And I am confident enough in our relationship to know you are no threat to me.
In fact, you rarely enter my mind.
Well, hardly ever.
You're a real piece of work, you know?
I don't know how you pulled this off. This is a national campaign. With Super Bowl spots.
Wait. Are you saying I'm going to be the spokesperson and face of incontinence?
Yes.
Yes! Cha-ching! Hello! Score!
Let's just go back to my office and fill out the paperwork. Unbelievable!
You finish the rest of this and I'm going to go call your reps.
You have reps, don't you?
Oh, hey, Ivan, buddy, could you have some of the diapers, maybe a case, sent over to my house?
I want to be able to rehearse in them?
Do you ever shut the fuck up? I need a smoke. Mother fucker!
You know, smoking is really bad for you. Shut up!
Oh my God.
Hello.
Reggie, oh my god. You are not going to believe what I found.
What? Fame!
I am going to be the voice of incontinence.
What are you talking about?
I'm at Ivan's casting studio. I booked a national commercial!
You're supposed to be investigating him.
I am, Reggie. And I found a gun too in his backpack.
What? Okay, Nelson, I want you to get the hell out of there and be careful with that gun.
Reggie, I've been around guns before I know when the safety is on...
Nelson?
What the fuck was that?
A car backfired on Santa Monica Boulevard.
A car? That didn't sound like a fucking car.
Well, it did.
I really have to go. All my paperwork is done. It's right there. I signed everything.
And thanks a lot for the diaper gig. I really appreciate it.
You know, Detective Winters and Marcus say they use it all the time to bust dudes.
God, I love their penises.
I know you do. You talk about them enough.
Hey, Reggie. Didn't you go to Marist College in upstate New York.
Yeah. Why? So did Ivan.
What? Move over.
He's right. And he was an Alpha Phi Delta. They were like our biggest rival.
I don't remember Ivan in college.
Guys! See what this means? Ivan and Elliot didn't just have a nasty break up.
They have some sort of checkered history together.
This just solidifies our case.
They must have had some sort of fight at the party
and then things got out of hand and Ivan shot Elliot dead on the spot.
How do we prove it?
I tell you what. I'm going to go over to Ivan's casting studio
and dig around a little and see what I can come up with.
I love this!
Oh my God. Preston Beckworth died a few months ago. He was in my fraternity.
Ivan started a memorial page. I had no idea.
Were you guys close?
Back then but we kind of lost touch over the years.
Preston is one of those guys who is really shallow, bitchy, slutty and my god did he drink way too much
and frankly I didn't want that kind of behavior rubbing off on me.
Don't say a word.
Are they casting something here today?
What is this?
I am totally right for this.
Why doesn't my manager ever submit me for this stuff.
What the hell are you doing here? I didn't call you in to read for this.
Actually I came here to talk to you about something else but as long as I'm here...
Forget it. Get lost, Dorkoff!
That's not very nice.
That's his name, queen!
How many more people do we have to see because... who's this?
A huge pain in the ass. He was just leaving.
I was thinking about going with someone younger.
I can play young. What is this? A pilot?
Commercial.
What's the product?
Adult diapers.
I'm Nelson Dorkoff.
I haven't started the camera yet.
I'm sorry. I'm a little nervous.
I haven't had a commercial audition since I lost out to that guy from Modern Family for the national Tums spot.
Like you have to be famous to get indigestion.
I get gas all the time.
Just go ahead and slate your name. Okay? Just go.
I'm Nelson Dorkoff and I'm with Last Stop Management.
Anytime you're ready, Nelson.
Here I am at a red carpet Hollywood premiere. And I'm wearing a diaper.
Hey, look at me on the tennis court. Nice backhand, right? I'm wearing a diaper.
Wow! Look at me! I'm really raising the roof at a buddy's wedding. And I'm wearing a diaper.
Soak 'Ems. Super absorbent adult briefs.
I'm dry where it counts.
Thanks for coming in, Nelson.
Book him.
What?
I haven't seen anybody today who made me believe more that he wears a diaper.
Wait a minute. Let's not rush into a decision. There are actors we still need to see.
Actors with actual talent and credits.
I want him. Make it happen.
See you on set.
Yep. We found our shitter.
You fat, hairy fuck. Now I have to go tell the real actors to go home.
Hi, everyone. Listen, thank you so much for your time but the role has been cast. Thank you.
But... Get the fuck out!
Sorry, guys. What can I say? I nailed it. Nice try though. Good effort.
Why did you come here, Nelson? Was it to warn me to stay away from Todd or else?
No. I don't need to warn you, Ivan. I have complete trust in Todd.
And I am confident enough in our relationship to know you are no threat to me.
In fact, you rarely enter my mind.
Well, hardly ever.
You're a real piece of work, you know?
I don't know how you pulled this off. This is a national campaign. With Super Bowl spots.
Wait. Are you saying I'm going to be the spokesperson and face of incontinence?
Yes.
Yes! Cha-ching! Hello! Score!
Let's just go back to my office and fill out the paperwork. Unbelievable!
You finish the rest of this and I'm going to go call your reps.
You have reps, don't you?
Oh, hey, Ivan, buddy, could you have some of the diapers, maybe a case, sent over to my house?
I want to be able to rehearse in them?
Do you ever shut the fuck up? I need a smoke. Mother fucker!
You know, smoking is really bad for you. Shut up!
Oh my God.
Hello.
Reggie, oh my god. You are not going to believe what I found.
What? Fame!
I am going to be the voice of incontinence.
What are you talking about?
I'm at Ivan's casting studio. I booked a national commercial!
You're supposed to be investigating him.
I am, Reggie. And I found a gun too in his backpack.
What? Okay, Nelson, I want you to get the hell out of there and be careful with that gun.
Reggie, I've been around guns before I know when the safety is on...
Nelson?
What the fuck was that?
A car backfired on Santa Monica Boulevard.
A car? That didn't sound like a fucking car.
Well, it did.
I really have to go. All my paperwork is done. It's right there. I signed everything.
And thanks a lot for the diaper gig. I really appreciate it.