Where the Bears Are (2012–…): Season 2, Episode 14 - Bear on a Stakeout - full transcript
When Wood (Joe Dietl) tags along on a stake out with the detectives who hope to locate the elusive personal trainer Turbo (Shannon Ward) and haul him in for questioning regarding the Elliot Butler murder, Wood's cluelessness finally exposes the fact that he is sexually involved with both Detective Winters and Detective Martinez, who are not only partners in the line of duty but partners in life as well. Detective Winters: Chad Sanders. Detective Martinez: George Unda.
Hey, Detective Winters, thank you for helping get those breaking and entering charges dropped against me and the guys.
Don't worry about it. The Assistant DA owes me.
That is so hot! I love it when you talk police lingo.
So any sign of him?
No. But he has to come home sometime. True.
Wow. I had no idea stakeouts could be so boring!
Is there anything you can think of that might pass the time?
I know something.
God! I love stakeouts!
Hey. Anybody hungry? Starving.
Here's your hamburger. No pickles no onions. Just the way you like it.
Wow. You guys really know each other well.
I mean, if I didn't know any better, I'd swear you guys were totally doing each other.
Which would be so hot.
And here's your extra large Dr. Pepper which I don't know why you ordered it
because we both know you're going to have to go to the bathroom before you get halfway through.
He's got the bladder the size of a peanut.
Just talking about it makes me want to go.
I'm going to go use that gas station down the street. I'll be back.
Everything you ordered there, Wood? Seems to be.
Well, if there's anything else you might need be sure to let me know.
Suspect show up yet? Negative.
No. We've been looking at that place the entire time. I swear. The entire time.
It got hot in here. I had to unbutton. Yes. Hot.
Hey, what is that tattoo on your wrist, Marcus? What is that supposed to be?
That's an inside joke between me and a friend.
That is funny. Because it looks exactly like the birth mark on Detective Winters penis.
It totally is. That's actually where I got the idea.
Wait. How do you know about his birth mark?
Oh God. My roommates are right. I am so dumb!
Are you having sex with Wood?
I would never lie to you, Marcus. No.
Bullshit! How long as this been going on?
Since last Christmas. Last Christmas?
Motherfucker! You've been hooking up with this dude since last Christmas?
That's fucking outrageous, dude!
Not really. It's no more outrageous than some of the stuff you and me have been doing the last few weeks.
Actually we do stuff way more kinky than I've ever done with Detective Winters.
Shut up, Wood!
Wait a minute! You've been having sex with Wood too?
Not since last Christmas! Just for the past few weeks. I took our vows seriously!
Vows? They make you guys take vows at the police academy?
We're married, Wood.
I'm confused. You should have that printed on a t-shirt.
Wait. Let me get this straight. You guys are partners and you're partners?
Wood, would you please step outside while I have a talk with my husband here?
Fine. But I am taking my burger with me. Yeah, you do that.
Afternoon. Hey. Excuse me.
Do I know you?
That line almost never works with me. But you're fucking adorable.
You look so familiar.
I'm pretty sure we've never met.
But I would like to get to know you, Chewbacca.
So you live around here?
I live in that building over there.
What a coincidence. We've been on a stakeout looking for a guy who lives in that building.
What's his name?
Turbo. What do you want with him?
Oh, my two hot cop boyfriends want to ask him some questions.
Yeah, you heard me right. I'm dating two hot cops.
But I'm not monogamous with either of them so you might want to file that away for future reference.
So what did you say your name was again?
You don't have to tell me! We can just have anonymous sex!
Oh shit! Hey guys!
We've got a runner!
Boy, you guys sure make up fast.
It's all right! I got it!
Don't worry about it. The Assistant DA owes me.
That is so hot! I love it when you talk police lingo.
So any sign of him?
No. But he has to come home sometime. True.
Wow. I had no idea stakeouts could be so boring!
Is there anything you can think of that might pass the time?
I know something.
God! I love stakeouts!
Hey. Anybody hungry? Starving.
Here's your hamburger. No pickles no onions. Just the way you like it.
Wow. You guys really know each other well.
I mean, if I didn't know any better, I'd swear you guys were totally doing each other.
Which would be so hot.
And here's your extra large Dr. Pepper which I don't know why you ordered it
because we both know you're going to have to go to the bathroom before you get halfway through.
He's got the bladder the size of a peanut.
Just talking about it makes me want to go.
I'm going to go use that gas station down the street. I'll be back.
Everything you ordered there, Wood? Seems to be.
Well, if there's anything else you might need be sure to let me know.
Suspect show up yet? Negative.
No. We've been looking at that place the entire time. I swear. The entire time.
It got hot in here. I had to unbutton. Yes. Hot.
Hey, what is that tattoo on your wrist, Marcus? What is that supposed to be?
That's an inside joke between me and a friend.
That is funny. Because it looks exactly like the birth mark on Detective Winters penis.
It totally is. That's actually where I got the idea.
Wait. How do you know about his birth mark?
Oh God. My roommates are right. I am so dumb!
Are you having sex with Wood?
I would never lie to you, Marcus. No.
Bullshit! How long as this been going on?
Since last Christmas. Last Christmas?
Motherfucker! You've been hooking up with this dude since last Christmas?
That's fucking outrageous, dude!
Not really. It's no more outrageous than some of the stuff you and me have been doing the last few weeks.
Actually we do stuff way more kinky than I've ever done with Detective Winters.
Shut up, Wood!
Wait a minute! You've been having sex with Wood too?
Not since last Christmas! Just for the past few weeks. I took our vows seriously!
Vows? They make you guys take vows at the police academy?
We're married, Wood.
I'm confused. You should have that printed on a t-shirt.
Wait. Let me get this straight. You guys are partners and you're partners?
Wood, would you please step outside while I have a talk with my husband here?
Fine. But I am taking my burger with me. Yeah, you do that.
Afternoon. Hey. Excuse me.
Do I know you?
That line almost never works with me. But you're fucking adorable.
You look so familiar.
I'm pretty sure we've never met.
But I would like to get to know you, Chewbacca.
So you live around here?
I live in that building over there.
What a coincidence. We've been on a stakeout looking for a guy who lives in that building.
What's his name?
Turbo. What do you want with him?
Oh, my two hot cop boyfriends want to ask him some questions.
Yeah, you heard me right. I'm dating two hot cops.
But I'm not monogamous with either of them so you might want to file that away for future reference.
So what did you say your name was again?
You don't have to tell me! We can just have anonymous sex!
Oh shit! Hey guys!
We've got a runner!
Boy, you guys sure make up fast.
It's all right! I got it!