Where the Bears Are (2012–…): Season 2, Episode 13 - Bailed Out Bears - full transcript
After Todd bails out Nelson and Reggie from jail where Nelson gave acting lessons to inmates and Reggie found romance behind bars, Nelson is shocked to discover Todd spent the evening with his ex Ivan. Meanwhile, Wood finds himself in a compromising position after his number one fan the devoted dentist George Ridgemont offers a free teeth cleaning.
Please! I'll do anything.
You've already sucked my cock twice. I've got no use for you.
There's got to be something I can do.
Hey! Get your hands off my boyfriend or I will come in there and rip your god damned head off!
And scene. Oh, hey babe.
Hey. You all right? Yeah, we're just doing a little improv.
It turns out Curtis here is an aspiring actor.
Great job, Curtis. Wow. You had some really nice moments there.
You were totally convincing as the dangerous criminal.
Well, I have had some experience.
I held up four liquor stores and I shot my cousin last year.
So you're giving acting lessons behind bars now?
Yeah. Curtis and I decided to actually set our scene in jail.
How many opportunities are we going to have to act in such a realistic setting?
Well, Curtis may have a few more opportunities given your record, right, Curtis?
You crack me up, Nelson.
Okay, Curtis. You take care. I am going to miss you, buddy.
And don't you ever give up on your dream. You will play Danny Zuko. See you later.
Oh, Todd. Hi, baby.
This night in jail has been so personally rewarding.
I got Casper and Little Snoopy to quit their gang on the spot.
And I got Butch the skinhead to leave Aryan Nations and enroll in Second City.
It's like the LA County Jail of Dramatic Arts. Where's Reggie?
In there. Jesus!
Hes only closing his eyes because he's pretending he picked the guy up in the Eagle and not in the showers.
Hey, Reggie! You posted bail. It's time to go.
Is leaving absolutely mandatory?
Let's go!
Find me on Facebook.
And promise me you shank anyone and lose computer privileges.
I promise. Okay. Bye, bye.
You know, I think he could be the one.
He's going to introduce me to his family if he gets acquitted.
They have a trailer in Barstow.
They're chemists. And you say I make bad choices.
Let's go.
What are you looking at?
There's no paper!
Yes! Finally! Freedom!
Sorry it took so long to get the message last night, guys.
You said you were just going out for a minute I didn't expect you to end up in freaking jail!
No problem. It gave me time to work up the nerve to start a conversation with Axel.
Face tattoos are my new go to topic. I had no idea what those tears meant.
Hey where were you anyway?
Look, don't freak out, baby. I was with Ivan.
Ivan?
He called the second you were out the door and it just sounded like he was in a really bad place.
Bad place? Where do you think I was? The Sandals Resort?
I was this close to having to toss Little Orphan Tranny's salad!
You got a meal? I didn't get a meal!
Is there some kind of Jail Upgrade Program I'm not aware of? Jesus!
Look, I just wanted to make sure he was okay and it turns out ever since seeing me at the pool party
he's had a lot of unresolved feelings about our break up and relationship.
It was just really intense. It wasn't a fun night.
He was crying and begging for me to give him a second chance.
He can be a little dramatic and over the top sometimes.
Why would you be stupid enough to date someone like that?
Anyway, did you tell him that you can't get back together with him because you have a boyfriend?
Of course I did, baby. I love you.
Even if you do have to wear a Darth Vader mask to sleep at night, you're my man.
That is the sweetest thing I think you've ever said to me.
But you know what, you might want to still change your e-mail address
and your phone number just so there is no further contact with Ivan.
Hey, where's Wood?
I don't know, he wasn't here when I got home last night.
Oh. Hello.
Hello, George. Is Wood here?
Yes he is. But he's just a little bit indisposed right now.
Come back next month.
I don't think so.
We're coming through, Tooth Fairy. But this is a private residence!
Wood! Wood! Are you okay?
This is not what it looks like.
Okay. Why are his pants down and why is he hooked up to this machine
and what is that stupid expression on his face?
Aren't you just a little old to be so naive?
We call that afterglow.
Whoa! Are you saying you and Wood...?
Yes. And I will be sending someone for his things.
Right after our honeymoon in Branson, Missouri. My hometown!
What have you done to him?
It's just a little harmless anesthesia. Nothing to worry about.
I was giving him a free teeth cleaning.
You put him under for a teeth cleaning?
I had the strangest dream. I was abducted by a little alien.
About the same height as George.
And he kept wanting to get sperm samples from me.
You have the most fervent imagination.
You know we could have you arrested for that, Gnomeo!
For your information, I have made it my life's mission to serve this sexy mountain of a man.
I would never do a single thing to make him at all uncomfortable.
Yeah, right, Nurse Jackie!
I'm sure he's very comfortable being drugged and made the star of your own personal porn flick!
Oh God! Let's get out of here!
It's funny. My mouth doesn't hurt at all but my penis is a little chafed.
Bye, George!
You've already sucked my cock twice. I've got no use for you.
There's got to be something I can do.
Hey! Get your hands off my boyfriend or I will come in there and rip your god damned head off!
And scene. Oh, hey babe.
Hey. You all right? Yeah, we're just doing a little improv.
It turns out Curtis here is an aspiring actor.
Great job, Curtis. Wow. You had some really nice moments there.
You were totally convincing as the dangerous criminal.
Well, I have had some experience.
I held up four liquor stores and I shot my cousin last year.
So you're giving acting lessons behind bars now?
Yeah. Curtis and I decided to actually set our scene in jail.
How many opportunities are we going to have to act in such a realistic setting?
Well, Curtis may have a few more opportunities given your record, right, Curtis?
You crack me up, Nelson.
Okay, Curtis. You take care. I am going to miss you, buddy.
And don't you ever give up on your dream. You will play Danny Zuko. See you later.
Oh, Todd. Hi, baby.
This night in jail has been so personally rewarding.
I got Casper and Little Snoopy to quit their gang on the spot.
And I got Butch the skinhead to leave Aryan Nations and enroll in Second City.
It's like the LA County Jail of Dramatic Arts. Where's Reggie?
In there. Jesus!
Hes only closing his eyes because he's pretending he picked the guy up in the Eagle and not in the showers.
Hey, Reggie! You posted bail. It's time to go.
Is leaving absolutely mandatory?
Let's go!
Find me on Facebook.
And promise me you shank anyone and lose computer privileges.
I promise. Okay. Bye, bye.
You know, I think he could be the one.
He's going to introduce me to his family if he gets acquitted.
They have a trailer in Barstow.
They're chemists. And you say I make bad choices.
Let's go.
What are you looking at?
There's no paper!
Yes! Finally! Freedom!
Sorry it took so long to get the message last night, guys.
You said you were just going out for a minute I didn't expect you to end up in freaking jail!
No problem. It gave me time to work up the nerve to start a conversation with Axel.
Face tattoos are my new go to topic. I had no idea what those tears meant.
Hey where were you anyway?
Look, don't freak out, baby. I was with Ivan.
Ivan?
He called the second you were out the door and it just sounded like he was in a really bad place.
Bad place? Where do you think I was? The Sandals Resort?
I was this close to having to toss Little Orphan Tranny's salad!
You got a meal? I didn't get a meal!
Is there some kind of Jail Upgrade Program I'm not aware of? Jesus!
Look, I just wanted to make sure he was okay and it turns out ever since seeing me at the pool party
he's had a lot of unresolved feelings about our break up and relationship.
It was just really intense. It wasn't a fun night.
He was crying and begging for me to give him a second chance.
He can be a little dramatic and over the top sometimes.
Why would you be stupid enough to date someone like that?
Anyway, did you tell him that you can't get back together with him because you have a boyfriend?
Of course I did, baby. I love you.
Even if you do have to wear a Darth Vader mask to sleep at night, you're my man.
That is the sweetest thing I think you've ever said to me.
But you know what, you might want to still change your e-mail address
and your phone number just so there is no further contact with Ivan.
Hey, where's Wood?
I don't know, he wasn't here when I got home last night.
Oh. Hello.
Hello, George. Is Wood here?
Yes he is. But he's just a little bit indisposed right now.
Come back next month.
I don't think so.
We're coming through, Tooth Fairy. But this is a private residence!
Wood! Wood! Are you okay?
This is not what it looks like.
Okay. Why are his pants down and why is he hooked up to this machine
and what is that stupid expression on his face?
Aren't you just a little old to be so naive?
We call that afterglow.
Whoa! Are you saying you and Wood...?
Yes. And I will be sending someone for his things.
Right after our honeymoon in Branson, Missouri. My hometown!
What have you done to him?
It's just a little harmless anesthesia. Nothing to worry about.
I was giving him a free teeth cleaning.
You put him under for a teeth cleaning?
I had the strangest dream. I was abducted by a little alien.
About the same height as George.
And he kept wanting to get sperm samples from me.
You have the most fervent imagination.
You know we could have you arrested for that, Gnomeo!
For your information, I have made it my life's mission to serve this sexy mountain of a man.
I would never do a single thing to make him at all uncomfortable.
Yeah, right, Nurse Jackie!
I'm sure he's very comfortable being drugged and made the star of your own personal porn flick!
Oh God! Let's get out of here!
It's funny. My mouth doesn't hurt at all but my penis is a little chafed.
Bye, George!