Where the Bears Are (2012–…): Season 2, Episode 12 - Jail Bears - full transcript
When Nelson, Reggie and Wood are arrested and booked for breaking and entering, frantic calls to Todd go unanswered and the Bears are left to rely on Wood's obsessed Colt fan George Ridgemont (George Sebastian) to bail them out, but the cash-strapped dentist only has enough funds to spring one of them. Nelson: Ben Zook. Reggie: Rick Copp. Wood: Joe Dietl. Jail Guard: Jonathan Retamonza-Davila. Little Orphan Tranny: Kevin Rhodes. Hooker: Emily Vrendenberg. Jail Officer: Kyle Kramer Cartieri. Police Chief Frank Coley: Tim Hooper. Jail Interviewee: Gregory Doyle.
You know we wouldn't be here if you hadn't done that cheesy accent!
It's not an accent. It's a dialect. And I studied them for years.
What's the dialect you normally use? Nelly?
You know, I was a little disappointed in the cavity search.
I thought it would be more invasive. You know, sexier.
Yeah, Reggie, there's nothing more romantic than getting fingered by Roshonda, the night duty officer with an attitude.
And way too long nails if you ask me!
Well, thank God I got a male cop.
I can't imagine a woman sticking her finger up my ass.
Unless it is some sort of threeway and I get to do her hot Lebanese husband like I did on that Puerto Vallarta cruise.
God, I hate this! You know they say prison changes a man.
Well, I can feel it. I'm changing already.
Nelson, we've been here ten minutes.
You don't understand. This is my worst nightmare.
My innocence forever lost to the harsh conditions of prison life.
Abused and yelled at by the screws.
Shaken down by one bully after another out in the yard.
Eating warmed over slop at a corner table in the cafeteria trying not to make eye contact with anybody.
Oh my God! It's going to be like high school all over again!
I can't take it!
God, I hope we're in separate cells.
Wood! Did you talk to Detective Winters? Is he coming down here to spring us?
I got his voice mail. But I left him a message.
Well, did you tell him it was an emergency
and that we've been arrested and we need his help ASAP?
No. I just told him to call me back on my cell.
Which was confiscated when we were arrested and is locked up in a drawer in the booking room!
I didn't think of that.
Well, Detective Winters said the only reason he wouldn't pick up was if he was on a big case.
I love stakeouts. So do I.
Hey you. Officer. Come here.
I want to try to call my boyfriend again.
Look, you've already had your one phone call.
It's not my fault that your boyfriend doesn't want to talk to you.
You know nothing about my deeply loving and committed relationship!
The nerve of that guy!
Nelson, calm down. Calm down? You want me to be calm?
This is all your fault! My fault?
If you weren't such a fame whore and so desperate to sell another one of your true crime books we wouldn't be here.
You know, your bad choices are going to get us all killed eventually.
Bad choices? What are you talking about?
You made out with the serial killer who tried to murder me!
If that's not a bad choice I don't know what is.
Are you supposed to be my role model, Nelson?
Am I supposed to look to you when it comes to healthy relationships?
Oh my God! Ever since you and Todd have been together
you have been a bundle of nerves waiting for it to blow up in your face
afraid he is going to leave you for someone else.
You are this close to blowing the entire thing!
Guys, can we stop focusing on your dysfunctional relationships and try to think about how we're going to get out of here?
Dysfunctional relationships?
Coming from the man who is bed hopping with two hot cops who have no clue you're banging the other!
Ixnay on the opscay.
Let go of me! Oh my God! Wood! Where is Wood! I need Wood and I need Wood now! Wood!
Hit the road, tramp! Oh Wood! I have been a bundle of nerves since you called. Are you okay?
Are they mistreating you at all because if they are I want to know all the details!
Oh dear God! It's the eighth dwarf. Sleazy. What's he doing here?
Well, when Detective Winters didn't pick up the officer was nice enough to let me make another call so I called George.
How come I didn't get two phone calls?
You just have to know how to talk nicely to him.
And getting down on your knees doesn't hurt either.
He made you beg?
Yeah. Let's go with that.
Whoa. Where do you two think you're going?
We've been bailed out.
Sorry, Princess. He only bailed out your friend here. You two are staying.
Oh come on, George! What's going on?
I'm a little cash poor right now.
My dental practice has been suffering some severe financial setbacks all due to a few frivolous lawsuits.
It seems a few of my more attractive male patients, twenty-six if you have to know...
Let me guess. They're suing you for groping them while you had them under anesthesia.
Oh, it's completely ridiculous. They were totally knocked out. How could they possibly remember anything?
Don't worry, Nelson. I will bail you guys out.
I just need your debit card and pin number because I'm broke.
Great idea, Wood. I'll just get it from my wallet.
Which was confiscated when we were arrested and it's in a drawer in the booking room!
Don't worry. I'll think of something.
Oh my God! We're never getting out of here!
I know! I've got to escape! Run! Just run!
This way, cupcakes.
It's not an accent. It's a dialect. And I studied them for years.
What's the dialect you normally use? Nelly?
You know, I was a little disappointed in the cavity search.
I thought it would be more invasive. You know, sexier.
Yeah, Reggie, there's nothing more romantic than getting fingered by Roshonda, the night duty officer with an attitude.
And way too long nails if you ask me!
Well, thank God I got a male cop.
I can't imagine a woman sticking her finger up my ass.
Unless it is some sort of threeway and I get to do her hot Lebanese husband like I did on that Puerto Vallarta cruise.
God, I hate this! You know they say prison changes a man.
Well, I can feel it. I'm changing already.
Nelson, we've been here ten minutes.
You don't understand. This is my worst nightmare.
My innocence forever lost to the harsh conditions of prison life.
Abused and yelled at by the screws.
Shaken down by one bully after another out in the yard.
Eating warmed over slop at a corner table in the cafeteria trying not to make eye contact with anybody.
Oh my God! It's going to be like high school all over again!
I can't take it!
God, I hope we're in separate cells.
Wood! Did you talk to Detective Winters? Is he coming down here to spring us?
I got his voice mail. But I left him a message.
Well, did you tell him it was an emergency
and that we've been arrested and we need his help ASAP?
No. I just told him to call me back on my cell.
Which was confiscated when we were arrested and is locked up in a drawer in the booking room!
I didn't think of that.
Well, Detective Winters said the only reason he wouldn't pick up was if he was on a big case.
I love stakeouts. So do I.
Hey you. Officer. Come here.
I want to try to call my boyfriend again.
Look, you've already had your one phone call.
It's not my fault that your boyfriend doesn't want to talk to you.
You know nothing about my deeply loving and committed relationship!
The nerve of that guy!
Nelson, calm down. Calm down? You want me to be calm?
This is all your fault! My fault?
If you weren't such a fame whore and so desperate to sell another one of your true crime books we wouldn't be here.
You know, your bad choices are going to get us all killed eventually.
Bad choices? What are you talking about?
You made out with the serial killer who tried to murder me!
If that's not a bad choice I don't know what is.
Are you supposed to be my role model, Nelson?
Am I supposed to look to you when it comes to healthy relationships?
Oh my God! Ever since you and Todd have been together
you have been a bundle of nerves waiting for it to blow up in your face
afraid he is going to leave you for someone else.
You are this close to blowing the entire thing!
Guys, can we stop focusing on your dysfunctional relationships and try to think about how we're going to get out of here?
Dysfunctional relationships?
Coming from the man who is bed hopping with two hot cops who have no clue you're banging the other!
Ixnay on the opscay.
Let go of me! Oh my God! Wood! Where is Wood! I need Wood and I need Wood now! Wood!
Hit the road, tramp! Oh Wood! I have been a bundle of nerves since you called. Are you okay?
Are they mistreating you at all because if they are I want to know all the details!
Oh dear God! It's the eighth dwarf. Sleazy. What's he doing here?
Well, when Detective Winters didn't pick up the officer was nice enough to let me make another call so I called George.
How come I didn't get two phone calls?
You just have to know how to talk nicely to him.
And getting down on your knees doesn't hurt either.
He made you beg?
Yeah. Let's go with that.
Whoa. Where do you two think you're going?
We've been bailed out.
Sorry, Princess. He only bailed out your friend here. You two are staying.
Oh come on, George! What's going on?
I'm a little cash poor right now.
My dental practice has been suffering some severe financial setbacks all due to a few frivolous lawsuits.
It seems a few of my more attractive male patients, twenty-six if you have to know...
Let me guess. They're suing you for groping them while you had them under anesthesia.
Oh, it's completely ridiculous. They were totally knocked out. How could they possibly remember anything?
Don't worry, Nelson. I will bail you guys out.
I just need your debit card and pin number because I'm broke.
Great idea, Wood. I'll just get it from my wallet.
Which was confiscated when we were arrested and it's in a drawer in the booking room!
Don't worry. I'll think of something.
Oh my God! We're never getting out of here!
I know! I've got to escape! Run! Just run!
This way, cupcakes.