Where the Bears Are (2012–…): Season 1, Episode 20 - Stand Up Bear - full transcript
When the Bears follow a lead to a comedy club to question comedian Bruce Daniels (playing himself) about his run-in with the murder victim, Nelson (Ben Zook) decides to dust off his stand up act with disastrous results. Comedian Shawn Pelofsky also appears as herself. Reggie: Rick Copp. Wood: Joe Dietl.
The show has already started.
So we're going to grab our seats and we'll talk to him after the show. Okay?
I love the Grove because it makes me feel like I live in a town with a trolly that goes nowhere.
Oh, look!
3 bears just walked in.
Where's Goldielocks?
God, he's beautiful. Did you see him?
Would you mind switching seats with me? So I can... Sshhh!
I'm just joking. I love the bears.
I was invited to a bear event, it was called a Bear-B-Que.
That's a joke.
It consisted of
a pig on a spit and wet-naps.
He's no Wayne Brady.
All right, thank you guys so much for coming out we have a great show.
Right now we have
one lovely lady that is touring the country right now
and were so honored to have her here. The very funny, the very talented
Miss Shawn Pelofsky!
What the fuck! Grizzly this isn't the Price is Right!
God, he almost got my nose.
Thank you so much!
Wow! What a thrill to be performing for all of you tonight here at Akbar.Thank you so much.
You know i'm not on the bill tonight, but I thought I would you know drop-in.
Because I know that Bryce here is always looking for some new talent.
No I'm not.
So, here I am. Thank you. Thank you so much.
Okay, um. Well,
I had a Birthday recently. I did.
I turned the big 4 0.
Anyway
talking about rough. You know, hitting 40. Wow.
At my age, you know my idea of
lifting weights, is standing up!
Thank you. Thank you so much.
I went to the doctor last week
and I have my uh...
you know blood levels checked my cholesterol
and boy, let me tell you my cholesterol was really high.
How high was it?
It was so high that the doctor didn't know if it was a cholesterol level or Seth Rogan!
Okay. Alright!
He's done!
I've got the room back people.
Here's my card. Call me. I love you. No really, I love you.
Now the real star of the show.
The one, the only,
Miss Shawn Pelofsy everyone! Applause for Shawn!
Honey are you alright?
It's true, I'm traumatized from that.
Where did he get that shirt, from a lesbian? Jesus!
He was great. He was about as funny as the Holocaust.
Did you guys enjoy that?
Big old bear.
I think people really liked me.
Hey Bryce.
Hey, it's Bruce.
And thanks for fucking up my show tonight!
What are you talking about?
I killed.
Yeah, you did. After seeing your act up there, a little piece of me died.
Uh... Mr. Daniels, big, big fan.
Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you, too.
Uh... the real reason we're here is to discuss
an unfortunate episode that happened at our house.
Oh, you mean that bear that died in your tub.
You know, you're never gonna get laid in that house again.
See, I told you!
You're totally right.
Well, we know that you were coaching Jcub on his stand up act that night.
So uh... I don't know if you know this about me, but I've coached a few models in my time.
I was a pretty famous model and uh...
I teach them how to you know lay in a bed and
show there balls with out really getting their hands in the way
It's a very rookie mistake. I t happens a lot, but I'm on top of that.
My most famous one was.
on a saw horse
bent over, ass in the air. And able to wave and go "Hey, what's up?"
and show this are which is probably the money maker.
Do you mind! He's getting grossed out.
Models?
Ignore him.
We know that Jcub came to your club and did a set at your show that night
right before he came over to our party.
Oh, I do remember. His whole set was about his
obsessed room mate who wouldn't leave him alone.
and he was starting to get scared to go home.
No, it's as funny as it sounds.
Room mate?
Are you sure? Not stalkery boss?
No, it was definitely his room mate.
Hot Toddy!
Excuse me.
Oh, bear drama.
Looks like the fur is going to fly tonight.
See ya.
Great show, Thank you.
Ggrrllss.
So we're going to grab our seats and we'll talk to him after the show. Okay?
I love the Grove because it makes me feel like I live in a town with a trolly that goes nowhere.
Oh, look!
3 bears just walked in.
Where's Goldielocks?
God, he's beautiful. Did you see him?
Would you mind switching seats with me? So I can... Sshhh!
I'm just joking. I love the bears.
I was invited to a bear event, it was called a Bear-B-Que.
That's a joke.
It consisted of
a pig on a spit and wet-naps.
He's no Wayne Brady.
All right, thank you guys so much for coming out we have a great show.
Right now we have
one lovely lady that is touring the country right now
and were so honored to have her here. The very funny, the very talented
Miss Shawn Pelofsky!
What the fuck! Grizzly this isn't the Price is Right!
God, he almost got my nose.
Thank you so much!
Wow! What a thrill to be performing for all of you tonight here at Akbar.Thank you so much.
You know i'm not on the bill tonight, but I thought I would you know drop-in.
Because I know that Bryce here is always looking for some new talent.
No I'm not.
So, here I am. Thank you. Thank you so much.
Okay, um. Well,
I had a Birthday recently. I did.
I turned the big 4 0.
Anyway
talking about rough. You know, hitting 40. Wow.
At my age, you know my idea of
lifting weights, is standing up!
Thank you. Thank you so much.
I went to the doctor last week
and I have my uh...
you know blood levels checked my cholesterol
and boy, let me tell you my cholesterol was really high.
How high was it?
It was so high that the doctor didn't know if it was a cholesterol level or Seth Rogan!
Okay. Alright!
He's done!
I've got the room back people.
Here's my card. Call me. I love you. No really, I love you.
Now the real star of the show.
The one, the only,
Miss Shawn Pelofsy everyone! Applause for Shawn!
Honey are you alright?
It's true, I'm traumatized from that.
Where did he get that shirt, from a lesbian? Jesus!
He was great. He was about as funny as the Holocaust.
Did you guys enjoy that?
Big old bear.
I think people really liked me.
Hey Bryce.
Hey, it's Bruce.
And thanks for fucking up my show tonight!
What are you talking about?
I killed.
Yeah, you did. After seeing your act up there, a little piece of me died.
Uh... Mr. Daniels, big, big fan.
Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you, too.
Uh... the real reason we're here is to discuss
an unfortunate episode that happened at our house.
Oh, you mean that bear that died in your tub.
You know, you're never gonna get laid in that house again.
See, I told you!
You're totally right.
Well, we know that you were coaching Jcub on his stand up act that night.
So uh... I don't know if you know this about me, but I've coached a few models in my time.
I was a pretty famous model and uh...
I teach them how to you know lay in a bed and
show there balls with out really getting their hands in the way
It's a very rookie mistake. I t happens a lot, but I'm on top of that.
My most famous one was.
on a saw horse
bent over, ass in the air. And able to wave and go "Hey, what's up?"
and show this are which is probably the money maker.
Do you mind! He's getting grossed out.
Models?
Ignore him.
We know that Jcub came to your club and did a set at your show that night
right before he came over to our party.
Oh, I do remember. His whole set was about his
obsessed room mate who wouldn't leave him alone.
and he was starting to get scared to go home.
No, it's as funny as it sounds.
Room mate?
Are you sure? Not stalkery boss?
No, it was definitely his room mate.
Hot Toddy!
Excuse me.
Oh, bear drama.
Looks like the fur is going to fly tonight.
See ya.
Great show, Thank you.
Ggrrllss.