Where the Bears Are (2012–…): Season 1, Episode 15 - Bears Undercover - full transcript

Wood, there he is. It's Ramone!

What do you have to do to get a drink around here!!

Move your ass bar keep!

Hey, I think you've had a little too much pal.

Why don't I call you a cab.

A cab? Why don't you mind your own business

and climb back up that beanstalk! Fine.

Get out of here!!

That was awesome Lester. You totally sold the

out of control, drunk guy bit.

I started drinking at 5.



And that bartender totally ignored me.

And I just won't be ignored.

No, I get it. I get it.

Here's a $20 for your troubles

and go sleep it off, okay.

Hey, Ramone Santiago. I own this place. Hi.

So, my boys Hulk and Thor here

just stood around like a couple of retarded statues

watching that guy caused a scene, but

you stepped in. You handled the situation.

What's your name?

Wood Burns. Yes, The Wood Burns.

I get recognized all the time.

Sorry man, I have no idea who the hell you are.



But I do recognize a good bouncer when I see him.

Well, I was going to ask you if you wanted a job, but

apparently, you're super famous, so...

No, no, no. I'm not that famous.

I haven't done a calendar since like 1998.

I would love to work here. Alright.

Let's go fill out the paperwork.

And, of course, you're going to have to give me a blow job.

Totally understandable.

Yeah, right? Yeah.

Yes. I'm in! He want's me to start tonight!

Wood, have you even thought about how you are going to portrait

this brooding bouncer with a dark past?

Have you thought about your subtext,

your hopes, your wishes, your family history, anything?

I was just going to be myself.

And that's why I'm the only one here with a SAG card.

Okay sexy, you all set? The show starts in 5 minutes.

I told you Toddy, I'm not doing it.

Oh, you're doing it. What?

I'm trying to get him to enter the bear chest contest.

He's a shoe in to win.

He's the hottest guy here. You're doing it.

Me, in a bear chest contest? Have you ever heard of anything more ridiculous?

No, no, no. It's perfect.

You'll be up on stage, in full view of the entire bar.

You can keep an eye on Ramone and his goons.

While Reggie and I sneak back there and look for clues and shit. It's perfect.

How come the only time you actually make sense,

is when it involves me humiliating myself?

Just lucky, I guess.

Hey Reggie, what's up? Hey Sexy. How are you?

I really miss J-Cub. Oh, ya?

This whole murder thing is really freaking me out.

What?

We were friends, you know. We shared everything.

Leather gear, chapstick, sometimes even boyfriends.

Boyfriends?

We also had this timeshare together in Palm Springs.

Hey, if you ever need a weekend getaway, let me know.

I can rent it to you real cheap.

I'm broke and I need a new computer.

He was suppose to let me borrow the money before he died.

He had some extra cash

cause he was doing some freelance accounting work for Ramone.

Accounting? To be honest Cyril

the only words I was able to make out from that whole speech

were chapstick and timeshare. You lent J-cub chapstick

and you have a timeshare in Palm Springs. Am I even warm?

Yah.

Don't worry your still hot. What?

I said you're hot!

Reggie! Reggie, come on!

Come on man, let's go!

Find me later. I gotta go!

Fuck me, those lights are bright.

Okay, hey everyone! How's it going tonight?

So, my name is Todd, and I will be the host for our Mr. Bear Chest 2012 Contest this evening.

We have 4 contestants for you. And right now, let's get a look at them. Tell them to come out.

Contestant #1!

Contestant #2!

Contestant #3!

and contestant #4!

There are your Bear Chest Contestants.