Where the Bears Are (2012–…): Season 1, Episode 12 - Bear Reunion - full transcript
Reggie and Wood reunite with an old friend, drag queen Jackie Beat, who witnessed J Cub having an intense fight with his date, a local bar owner, during one of her performances the night before his murder.
Yeah, can you believe it? they're remaking Carrie.
I mean, that movie is a fucking classic.
Am I right?
Who's asshole idea was that?
And who are they going to get to play Carrie, Miley Cyrus?
Exactly.
Hey I got a great idea.
Why don't you hire Sharon Stone to play the mother and really fuck it up!
Oh, honey, I got to go.
Yes, some old friends are here.
No, I don't think the realize just how incredibly rude it is
to show up right before someone goes out on stage.
Oh, I'm sorry Mrs. Beat. They said they knew you.
Yeah, everybody knows me. I'm famous!
Can I? Don't go anywhere.
Let me tell you something. My writer is not being respected.
I was just backstage. There's no beef jerky.
There's no cream cheese with the jalapeño jelly. No assorted crackers.
And what about this? Hello?
I specifically requested room temperature Fuji.
Not this Crystal Geyser bullshit! I don't even want the word "Crystal"
anywhere near me!
Uh... I'm sorry sir. I mean mam!
GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!
Excuse me!!
Someone's in a good mood. Yeah.
Hey.
Well, well, well. If it isn't Curly and Larry. Where the fuck is Mo?
It's about time you bitches came to my show.
I told you before, I need bears here.
That way even if it's half full it still looks packed.
What are you talking about Jackie?
We were front row center last Friday night. Right, Wood?
What, no, remember.
You said you couldn't stomach another tired old drag queen.
I can hear you!
Listen, Jackie, the reason we stopped by.
Well, I'm sure you heard about the dead guy we found in our house.
Yeah.
Well, It turns out he was at your show the night before.
So I was hoping you could look at this picture and see if you recognize him?
Of course, I do!
I should have killed that asshole myself!
That deuche bag talked during my entire Celine Dion tribute.
Your Celine medley was the favorite part of the show. We loved it right, Wood?
Oh, I cried.
Oh, you two are such Fucking Liars!!
Okay! You didn't see my fucking show!
I would never do Celine Dion!
That was a test and you failed it!
Okay, we are so, so sorry Jackie.
But we just have a couple questions we want to ask.
And then I promise you will be right out your…hair.
So, you're not staying for the show?
Oh, I want to. I love your shows! I mean, I especially like how famous singers
let you perform their hit songs, after they rewrite them for you with dirty lyrics.
Are you really that stupid? I write the fucking dirty lyrics!
Whoa, whoa, whoa wait!
So Peggy Lee didn't write "Beaver" and then send it to you?
No! And I got a news flash for you!
Don't freak out.
Peggy Lee is dead!
Wow, first Whitney, now Peggy.
Too soon.
Listen, we're really going to try to come to your show, but
You'll "try", to see my "show"
Huh, "friend"!
Listen, let me ask you a quick question.
How many Colt events have I attended? Huh?
How many of those stupid travel book signings did I go to?
And don't even get me started on those horrible shows by Nelson.
Half Nelson! Full Nelson. I swear to God!
My dental implants were less painful.
Okay, okay. We will definitely stay for the show.
But just answer me this one question.
The dead guy that disrupted your performance.
Do you remember who he was here with, that night?
Of course, I do.
Ramone Santiago, of the Eagle LA.
Hot Toddy is a bartender at the Eagle. Coincidence? I think not!
Oh my God you guys! This is so fascinating!
But Cagney and Lacey, guess what? This little reunion's over.
Because I've got a sound check to do. So get the fuck out.
Wait, wait, wait.
So, Katie Perry didn't write "I Kissed A Squirrel"?
GET THE FUCK OUT!
I swear to God that guy is like honey mustard.
He's hot and sweet, but essentially useless.
All right, from the top. I Kissed A Squirrel.
I mean, that movie is a fucking classic.
Am I right?
Who's asshole idea was that?
And who are they going to get to play Carrie, Miley Cyrus?
Exactly.
Hey I got a great idea.
Why don't you hire Sharon Stone to play the mother and really fuck it up!
Oh, honey, I got to go.
Yes, some old friends are here.
No, I don't think the realize just how incredibly rude it is
to show up right before someone goes out on stage.
Oh, I'm sorry Mrs. Beat. They said they knew you.
Yeah, everybody knows me. I'm famous!
Can I? Don't go anywhere.
Let me tell you something. My writer is not being respected.
I was just backstage. There's no beef jerky.
There's no cream cheese with the jalapeño jelly. No assorted crackers.
And what about this? Hello?
I specifically requested room temperature Fuji.
Not this Crystal Geyser bullshit! I don't even want the word "Crystal"
anywhere near me!
Uh... I'm sorry sir. I mean mam!
GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!
Excuse me!!
Someone's in a good mood. Yeah.
Hey.
Well, well, well. If it isn't Curly and Larry. Where the fuck is Mo?
It's about time you bitches came to my show.
I told you before, I need bears here.
That way even if it's half full it still looks packed.
What are you talking about Jackie?
We were front row center last Friday night. Right, Wood?
What, no, remember.
You said you couldn't stomach another tired old drag queen.
I can hear you!
Listen, Jackie, the reason we stopped by.
Well, I'm sure you heard about the dead guy we found in our house.
Yeah.
Well, It turns out he was at your show the night before.
So I was hoping you could look at this picture and see if you recognize him?
Of course, I do!
I should have killed that asshole myself!
That deuche bag talked during my entire Celine Dion tribute.
Your Celine medley was the favorite part of the show. We loved it right, Wood?
Oh, I cried.
Oh, you two are such Fucking Liars!!
Okay! You didn't see my fucking show!
I would never do Celine Dion!
That was a test and you failed it!
Okay, we are so, so sorry Jackie.
But we just have a couple questions we want to ask.
And then I promise you will be right out your…hair.
So, you're not staying for the show?
Oh, I want to. I love your shows! I mean, I especially like how famous singers
let you perform their hit songs, after they rewrite them for you with dirty lyrics.
Are you really that stupid? I write the fucking dirty lyrics!
Whoa, whoa, whoa wait!
So Peggy Lee didn't write "Beaver" and then send it to you?
No! And I got a news flash for you!
Don't freak out.
Peggy Lee is dead!
Wow, first Whitney, now Peggy.
Too soon.
Listen, we're really going to try to come to your show, but
You'll "try", to see my "show"
Huh, "friend"!
Listen, let me ask you a quick question.
How many Colt events have I attended? Huh?
How many of those stupid travel book signings did I go to?
And don't even get me started on those horrible shows by Nelson.
Half Nelson! Full Nelson. I swear to God!
My dental implants were less painful.
Okay, okay. We will definitely stay for the show.
But just answer me this one question.
The dead guy that disrupted your performance.
Do you remember who he was here with, that night?
Of course, I do.
Ramone Santiago, of the Eagle LA.
Hot Toddy is a bartender at the Eagle. Coincidence? I think not!
Oh my God you guys! This is so fascinating!
But Cagney and Lacey, guess what? This little reunion's over.
Because I've got a sound check to do. So get the fuck out.
Wait, wait, wait.
So, Katie Perry didn't write "I Kissed A Squirrel"?
GET THE FUCK OUT!
I swear to God that guy is like honey mustard.
He's hot and sweet, but essentially useless.
All right, from the top. I Kissed A Squirrel.