When Nature Calls (2021–2022): Season 1, Episode 7 - Uncle Antelope's Truth Bombs - full transcript

♪♪

Mirren: Glimpsed from above,

our planet can sometimes appear
almost frozen in time.

But move in closer,

and a restless,
constantly evolving world

is revealed.

Monkey:
So I guess having a [bleep]
on my face is evolved?

Mirren:
Life on this planet ‐‐

as embodied by
its animal inhabitants ‐‐

is marked by sudden,
unpredictable change.

Baby turtle: Hey, Scooter,
think we'll have to worry about



rising sea levels
in our lifetime?

Baby turtle #2: I'll tell you
what my dad told me.

Climate change,
shcmimate cha‐‐

[ Gurgling ]

Our wild cousins
weather these upheavals

with a steadfast grace...

and an indomitable spirit.

Warthog: I've got spirit,
yes, I do.

I've got spirit,
how 'bout you?

Mirren: The animal world
is one of chaos,

and yet, these creatures
face each daunting challenge

with a courage that
should inspire us all.

Let us stand bravely
beside them...

when nature calls.



♪♪

Miscommunication
within the animal kingdom

is not only relegated to
squabbling Antarctic penguins.

It can affect every single
species on the planet ‐‐

from the majestic
African elephant...

to a slow‐moving and dim‐witted
producer named Jerry.

Jerry: Oh, sorry,
did you say something?

No, no,
just making a point, Jerry.

And as we shall see
all over the world,

even when more voices
are added to the mix,

the delicate balance of
interspecies relationships

is strained almost
to its breaking point.

Lisa: Hey, everybody.
Whoops, am I first?

Anybody else?
Ah.

Glen: Hey!
No, I'm here. Whoops.

David: We got everybody?
Thanks for jumping on.

I know some folks are joining us
from the road,

Madagascar, Great Barrier Reef,
Ohio,

so I'm gonna
make this brief.

Brief, my ass. Remember how long
he went the last time?

Greg, just FYI,
you are currently not muted.

Yeah, I know.

Okay,
as I was saying...

First off, I just wanted
to congratulate you all

on a productive
second quarter.

Corporate sees what
this department has been doing

and they know
it's not easy.

So thank you.
You're all rock stars.

Now, I think Katy was gonna
give us an update

on the Jenkins
and Mongoose campaign.

So go for it, Katy.

Thanks, David.

Before I jump in, Jamie,
I love that desert background.

So funny.

I can never figure out how to do
those fake backgrounds.

It's not fake.

I'm in a desert.

I'm always
in a desert.

Oh. Right.
[ Chuckles ]

So, Jenkins and Mongoose ‐‐

You know, when it comes to
sales goals,

I was just gonna say ‐‐
I think if we ‐‐

Oh, no, sorry, no, you go.
Whoops, you go first.

[ Laughs ]
We both ‐‐

You know, I forget
what I was gonna say.

And so do I.

Well, I do just
quickly want to point out

that Tasha and Nate

and the whole
twigs and grass department

are doing amazing work.

Denise can speak
more to that.

You're muted.

You gotta unmute.

Denise,
we can't hear you.

Sorry, I was muted.

I was saying I agree.

Guys, I think we have
some slow connections.

So let's do this ‐‐
everybody hop off the Zoom ‐‐

‐Yes.
‐Yes.

‐Oh, thank God.
‐Yes!

And then everybody
log right back on,

and we'll finish up.

‐Really?
‐You gotta be kidding me!

‐Oh, come on!
‐Come on!

♪♪

Mirren:
Throughout the wild,

we witness a relatable need
for socialization.

Animals gather for protection,

for migration,

or just because
their one annoying friend

insisted on throwing
a murder mystery party.

Ugh.

But as we venture into
the depths of the Indian Ocean,

we discover that the remora fish

have another, even more
surprising reason

to congregate.

[ Air horn blows ]

Announcer: Calling all remoras
and suckerfish,

the weekend is here,

so come party at
the ocean's biggest club...

Whale Shark!

[ Air horn blows ]
Woman: Whale Shark.

Announcer:
Whale Shark is 40 feet of
filter‐feeding litness.

Woman:
The size of a school bus.

Announcer: Featuring three
insane levels of hedonism.

Swim wild at
the main underbelly.

Lounge up front in
our decadent V. I. P. section.

Woman: By the mouth.

Announcer:
Or dare to venture aftward

to the anal fins.

Woman: Wait, what?

Announcer: Drink specials
all night long!

And 2‐for‐1 jellyfish
till midnight.

Woman: What was that about
anal fins?

Announcer:
Nothing, forget it.

So come get lit at
the biggest fish on Earth ‐‐

[ Air horn blows ]
Whale shark.

Doors open at low tide,
21 and up,

dress code strictly enforced.

♪♪

Mirren: As we have seen,

animals place great value
on primal needs ‐‐

food...

shelter...

a mate.

But do they, like their
human counterparts,

ever covet more esoteric
or superficial objects?

I mean, for example, personally,

I enjoy collecting
prestigious acting awards.

I'm really hoping there's going
to be a Grammy in my future.

Shh! Lips sealed.
[ Chuckles ]

And amongst the timber of
the North American forests,

we see that
the gray‐collared chipmunk

has amassed an assortment
of woodland treasures.

♪♪

Announcer: It's time for
"Andy's Acorner,"

only on
the Nature Shopping Network.

Andy: Hi, hello, and welcome to
"Andy's Acorner"!

As always, I'm Andy,

and I'm joined by my assistant,
Dee Dee.

Dee Dee: Hey, there,
America, glad to ‐‐

Keep your commentary short,
Dee Dee!

We only have three hours,
and this time is precious.

Almost as precious
as these ‐‐

super precious,
limited‐edition

multi‐season
home decor acorns!

Or, should I say,
these home dé‐corns.

[ Laughs ]

[ Laughs ]

[ Sniffs ] Ahh.

Yes,
you heard me sniffing.

These gorgeous home accent
acorns are scented.

Mmm!

They come in cinnamon,
plain acorn,

and ‐‐ this is fun ‐‐
cupcake!

Fun!

And we have a caller.

This is Ted from Tampa, Florida.
Hi, Ted.

Ted: I love these acorns,
Andy. [ Laughs ]

Thanks, Ted.
Aren't they fabulous?

[ Laughs ] Yes.

I can't get
enough of 'em!

I have several
in every room in my house ‐‐

and my house is enormous,
so that's a lot.

I'm talking a huge, huge house,
and I live all alone.

Completely alone.
Because I messed up, Andy.

[ Chuckles ] I messed up bad,
and my family left me,

and here, I'm just
sittin' around,

awaiting my murder trial,
which I'll probably lose,

and all I have are
your spectacular acorns,

and I love them!

Almost as much
as I love you, Andy.

Which is a lot.
Let me smell your hair.

Let me smell your fur.
I want to smell your fur.

Let me smell it.
Let me smell it.

[ Dial tone ]

Announcer: You've been watching
"Andy's Acorner"

on NSN.

NSN ‐‐ Be irresponsible
with your money.

♪♪

Fish: Oh, my God, Diana?

Wow! Hi!

Diana: Um, hey.

It's me. Brian.

Brian the Fish?

From high school?

Oh. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, Brian.

Of course. Hi.
It's been forever.

Yeah, it is so crazy
running into you.

[ Chuckles ]

So...
are you still a seahorse?

Yep. Still a seahorse.
How about you?

Are you still a...
scorpionfish, was it?

Yep,
still a scorpionfish.

And you still
live in the, uh...

Ocean. Yeah,
I still live in the ocean.

You?
Yeah. Never left.

Mm.
Wow.

[ Chuckles ] Wow.

Well, it's been
so great catching up.

I'll see you later.

I kept one of
your old gym T‐shirts

and smell it
to fall asleep!

[ Sighs ] This is why
I never come home to visit.

♪♪

Mirren:
For animals in the wild,

life is defined by upheaval.

Theirs is a world
of constant change,

without the luxury of emotional
attachment or nostalgia ‐‐

which, I assume,
is why animals

have very few classic rock
radio stations.

But every so often,
the natural world slows enough

to allow for self‐reflection,

as with the side‐blotched lizard
in Mexico.

[ Birds chirping ]

Announcer: Tonight
on "Reptile Hoarders"...

Samantha: So, Carla, we all came
over today because we love you

and we're worried
about you.

Lizzy: We think
you have a problem.

Carla: W‐What do you mean?
What's this about?

Ally:
You need to stop carrying

your old dead skin around
everywhere.

Carla: What? [ Chuckles ]
This old thing?

I don't carry it
everywhere.

You do.

And you have hundreds more
all over your house.

We love you,
but you're a hoarder.

Nobody needs all this
old dead skin.

I do!

I might want to, uh,
wear it again...someday.

Seriously?
Listen to yourself, Carla.

We think
you have a problem.

You missed my wedding.

You said you were busy
carrying around

your old dead skin
in your mouth.

Do you know
how that sounds?

I can't believe
you're doing this to me.

I'm just going to
slowly take this...

and then burn it.

Stop it!
This is my skin!

I need my skin!
You can't do this to me!

You're all
a bunch of [bleep]

We're just trying
to help.

We think
you have a problem.

Shut the [bleep] up,
Lizzy.

You're not my real friend!
[Bleep] you!

Well, I think that went about
as well as it could have.

Announcer: This has been
"Reptile Hoarders."

Now stay tuned for an all‐new
episode of "Pack Rats."

Oh, I'm sorry
I didn't ask earlier,

but how was
everyone's weekend?

[ Dogs barking ]

Good.

Okay, great.
That's wonderful.

Glad you all got
some time to decompress.

Now,
I want to circle back

on something we had
off‐lined about.

Do we have anyone here
from the Shanghai branch?

Yes, hi.
This is Margaret.

I'm on the Shanghai branch
as we speak.

Hi, Margaret. Were you able
to connect with Clint

to see if sales is on the same
page about these growth targets?

Yeah, I pinged Clint
earlier today.

I think he had a question
about the deck you sent over.

Is Clint on here?

You know what?
I think Clint might be frozen.

Clint,
are you frozen?

No, everything looks clear
on my end.

Unless you're talking
about the weather.

Then, yeah, it's like
below 20 here.

Oh, right.

[ Dogs barking ]

I'm so sorry, but
whoever's dogs are barking,

can you please
mute yourself?

Wait, I'm confused.

How come we couldn't hear
what the dogs were saying?

Don't be ridiculous.
Everyone knows dogs can't talk.

Everyone,
if we could turn to

the next action item
on our agenda,

I ju‐‐

Okay, so, David, you actually
are frozen now.

So this means we're done
for the day, right?

[ Chuckles ]

[ Speech fast‐forwarding ]
...balls.

Whoa.

That was weird.

What the hell was that?

♪♪

Mirren: The propagation
of the species

relies upon a continuous cycle
of mating.

Fortunately, most animals
are always down to clown.

But for every frisky otter
and randy orangutan,

there is some limp‐noodled moose

who's done enough humping
for one lifetime

and really just wants
to take a nap.

However, there are ways
to keep things fresh

for animals weary of
the rigors of coitus,

as we'll see
with these horned owls

in the forests of Argentina.

♪♪

[ Smooching ]

You look so hot
in that suit.

Okay, babe,
that's enough.

You've had too much wine.

Three glasses of Pinot
is hardly too much wine.

How about some role play?

Shh!
Not right now!

Come on!
No one's watching.

[ Russian accent ]
I'm a sexy Russian spy,

and you are...

Trying to pay attention
during my nephew's baptism.

[ Baby fussing ]

Do the godparents have something
they'd like to add?

Nope.
[ Clears throat ]

Sorry, Father.
Go ahead and...

dip that kid.

[ Smooching ]

♪♪

Announcer: Welcome back to
"Andy's Acorner,"

only on
the Nature Shopping Network.

Okay, we are back, back,
back again, America!

Now, that was a little
spooky back there,

but I think Ted
from Tampa, Florida,

was just so darn enthusiastic

about these breathtaking
limited‐edition acorns!

And I don't blame him.

Me neither, Andy.

While we were away,

these multi‐seasonal
home decor accent acorns

must've turned into hot cakes,

because they're selling
like them.

Wow!

Have I mentioned
they're limited edition?

The limit is only 500,000,

so you gotta act now.

You won't regret it.

These little delights
just dress up anything ‐‐

a coffee table, a side table,

a bedside table,
a console table,

a dining table,
a breakfast table,

a picnic table.

Ooh, I'm being told
we have another caller.

This is Ned
from Tampa, Florida.

Hi, there, Ned.

Ned: [ High‐pitched voice]
Yes, hello, Andy.

These acorns are
simply enchanting.

I love how
they sit on surfaces.

I love them so much, I'd like
to send you a thank‐you card!

Aw, so sweet.

So sweet.

All I need is the address
of your location.

Ted: [ Normal voice ]
Your exact location...

because I am coming
for you, Andy!

I want to smell your fur.
I want to smell...

Holy [bleep]

Announcer:
"Andy's Acorner"

will be right back on NSN.

NSN ‐‐ The more you buy,
the less empty you'll feel.

We promise.

♪♪

♪♪

Josh:
Ugh, this is so boring.

I asked for a PS5.

Josh's mom: But a telescope can
show you other worlds, Josh.

Well, there's the Andersons
across the street, being boring.

Don't snoop.
Point it at the sky.

Discover something.

Alright, alright.

Let's see
what we can discover.

Ah, hello neighbors.

Oh. Oh, God.
[ Gags ]

Oh, it can't be that ‐‐

Oh!
What in the world?

Fine,
we'll get you the PS5.

Ugh.
I told you.

♪♪

Mirren: Animals are forever
in search of sustenance.

The voracious crocodile,

the grazing deer,

the ‐‐ ugh ‐‐
regurgitating penguin.

Well, after seeing that,

it looks like
I'll be skipping lunch.

In the wild, food must be
consumed solely for survival

and can almost never be savored.

To see the animal dining
experience up close,

let's head to the murky waters
of central Africa.

Announcer: Tired of all these
new fancy‐schmancy restaurants

with their "utensils"?

Mm,
summer home in Greece.

Then come eat the old‐fashioned
way at Handsies.

God gave ya two hands,
so eat with 'em.

Handsies is
an all‐you‐can‐grab buffet

with all your favorite classics,

like white taffy glop,

river banana,

or a long, hairy arm
of creamed spit.

Wash it down
with a refreshing slurp

of stagnant trunkwater
with real mosquito eggs.

Save room for dessert
and dip your tail

in our old‐fashioned
syrup stump,

just like Grandpa used to do.

Handsies is a place to slow
down, eat good, and reconnect.

Because using your own hands
just feels...right.

Woman: Handsies is located
off the deer path

near the tree
that looks like a peacock.

Announcer: Welcome back to
"Andy's Acorner."

Hi, there.

I, um, I'm so sorry

that we once again
had to take a little break

due to another scary lil' call

from a disturbed man
who is very good at accents.

So talented.

But that's all behind us.

And for the time being,

we are no longer taking
callers from Tampa.

So. Let's, uh...

Let's keep talking about
these adorable acorns

that make great gifts.

Give a few of these
to your friends, your family,

family friends, neighbors,
teachers, pets.

Oh. Oh, good.
Um, another caller.

This is Ed from...
Oh, whew.

This is Ed from
Not‐Tampa, Florida.

Hi, Ed.

Ed:
[ Breathing heavily ]

Uh, h‐hello?

[ Singsong voice]
Andy. Andy.

Hey, you're Ted and Ned
from before.

Aah! Get this man
off my phone!

You can't end this call,
Andy.

Because I'm in
your corner.

Oh, God, the call is coming from
inside the sound stage.

Dee Dee?

Dee Dee's gone.

And you're next.

Somebody help!

Announcer: You've been watching
"Andy's Acorner" on NSN.

NSN ‐‐
Where your vicious circle

of runaway spending
hits rock bottom.

♪♪

♪♪

Mirren: As another journey
into the animal kingdom

draws to a close,

we are reminded that
this world is comprised

of a unique collection
of voices.

[ Birds squawking ]

[ Screeches ]

Mirren: And when one creature
bravely steps forward

to make themselves heard,

we must honor
their contribution...

[ Snake hisses ]

...for it is always important
to listen ‐‐

Thanks, Helen Mirren.

Your support means
everything to us.

In fact, I was talking
to some of the guys ‐‐

Uh, actually, I wasn't done
speaking yet.

I just really appreciate
what you're doing.

Oh, please,
put a sock in it, nerd.

I'm trying to wrap up here.

As I said,

it is always important
to listen

to all that can be learned...

when nature calls.

And I know we've been on here
for almost four hours,

so I'll get to the real point
of this Zoom call,

and that's
something exciting ‐‐

We are re‐opening the offices
next week.

So is Bagel Thursday
still gonna be on Thursday?

Wait, I want to
switch parking spots.

‐Oh, that's so great.
‐But will the A/C be working?

Actually, I don't want
to be that guy,

but I feel I have to bring up
an interpersonal issue.

Here we go.
Last year,
before we went remote,

Lisa tried to
kill and eat me.

Glen, thank you
for addressing that.

And I want everyone to know
that during the past year,

I have been
working on myself.

I went to
sensitivity training.

And I am now...
an omnivore.

‐Oh, great.
‐That's amazing.

‐Whoo‐whoo!
‐Whoo‐hoo!

‐Good for you!
‐That is so great for you.

‐Love that.
‐That doesn't ‐‐

That actually doesn't
address my concern.

Anyway, thank you all
for putting up with

this weird situation for
the past year and a half,

but who's counting,
am I right?

I look forward to seeing you
in person, back in the office,

so we can continue to make this
company the best at what we do.

Sorry, did I freeze,
or...?

No, we were just all trying to
remember what this company does.

Nothing's ringing a bell.

It's sales, right?
Uh, sales something.

I thought we made
lawn furniture.

Ah, right. I can see how
that would be confusing.

Whup, David's frozen again.
No, I'm not.

I'm just trying to remember
what we all do for work.

And why it matters.

Just give me a sec.
I'll think of something.

♪♪

Mirren:
Our planet spins in the cosmos,

a shimmering vessel
hurtling through the void.

But we humans have companions
on this,

our spaceship Earth.

Have you met my companion
Fabrizio?

We're so in love.

His name's Fabrizio.

We share this journey

throughout existence

with the animals.

And it would be wise for us

to become better acquainted with
our fellow travelers.

Lemur:
Yep, just a fellow traveler
looking to hitch a ride.

And I don't need to stop
for a restroom break

'cause I'm taking care of that
right now.

Ahh.

Mirren: It is a motley crew,
this animal kingdom...

and one full of
fascinating personalities,

unbelievable stories,

and unique perspectives
of life on this planet.

Giraffe: My perspective?

Everyone could be
a few feet taller.

Ant: I think everyone could be
a few feet shorter.

Goat: And me?
I just like to eat dirt.

Mirren:
There is no telling

where this journey
will ultimately lead us.

But we can take solace

in knowing that we will not
arrive there alone...

when nature calls.

♪♪

♪♪

Observe animal behavior
close enough,

and you will see them
honor milestones

in much the same way
that humans do.

Elephants hold ad hoc memorials
for fallen herd members.

Peacocks engage in complex
dances to initiate mating.

And these penguins host
a bi‐monthly book club

dedicated to the novels
of Nicholas Sparks.

The instinct to not only
congregate but to celebrate

is not lost on
our animal friends,

as we see with these
bald eagles in northern Alaska.

♪♪

You're engaged!

Ohhhh! Bro. Bro. Bro.

You're engaged!

I know, bro!
It's amazing!

I'm gonna
have a wedding!

I'm gonna be
in your wedding.

You're gonna be my best man,
bro.

For real?
Bro.

What about
your actual brothers?

They might be my brothers,
but you're my bro, bro.

No rush, but have you started
planning yet, bro?

Uh, hell yeah.
The theme is pastels,

and the reception will
have a photo booth.

With funny props
and hats?

So many
funny props and hats!

I know you love
that [bleep] bro!

I'm gonna plan
your bachelor party.

Dude, let's make it
a joint thing

with my fiancé
and her bridesmaids.

That sounds so fun,
bro.

And we should totally
have a...

Both: Spa day, bro!

I am buyin' pedicures
for all my bros!

♪♪

Mirren:
Life in the natural world,

with its many cycles
and patterns,

can seem refreshingly reliable,

almost predictable.

The sun rises and sets,

the tides ebb and flow,

and monkeys pick things
off each other

and then eat them.

But underneath this steady
clockwork of existence

lies mysteries,

unspoken secrets,

and hidden truths.

Stare into the eyes
of a wise being,

like the greater kudu
of Djibouti.

I love saying that ‐‐

"kudu of Djibouti."

All together now ‐‐

kudu of Djibouti.

Very good.

Let us bear witness
to this sacred knowledge.

Announcer:
And now, duck and cover.

It's time for
"Uncle Antelope's Truth Bombs."

Uncle Antelope:
Well, well, well.

Once again,
Uncle Antelope was right.

I told ya,
but ya didn't listen.

I said,
"Buy that Gamestop stock.

That stock is going to the moon.

Buy now and get rich."

But no,
"Don't listen to Uncle Antelope.

He's got horns
shaped like curly fries.

He can't even use e‐mail.
What's he know about stonks?"

Well, oops on you [bleep]

Better listen to Uncle Antelope.

Announcer: This has been
"Uncle Antelope's Truth Bombs."

♪♪

Mirren:
As we have witnessed,

our animal compatriots
are many things ‐‐

fascinating,

compelling,

engaging,

riveting,

intriguing,

bewitching ‐‐
[ Object thuds ]

Oh, dropped my book.

Um, you know,
what's it called?

The thing.
Oh, what's it called?

The, you know,
book's got the words

that mean other words in it.

What's it called?
Um...

Jerry:
You mean a thesaurus?

Ooh, look at
the big brain on Jerry.

Yes, very good, Jer.

A thesaurus,
you massive dork.

And of all the qualities
that wild animals display,

perhaps the rarest is
cooperation.

But the spirit of
supportive teamwork exists,

even within the typically cagey
capuchin monkeys of Costa Rica.

♪♪

[ Monkeys hooting ]

Yeah, I really feel it
in my glutes.

That means it's working.
Keep up the pace.

Three more branches.

I've never done
this kind of training before.

What,
strength conditioning?

No, carrying my personal trainer
around on my back.

It's tough.

It's proven
to be effective.

This is how Chris Evans got
jacked for Captain America.

Yeah,
you mentioned that.

I don't think that's true.

Lift those legs.
You got this.

This is the same exercise I do
with my own personal trainer.

Lift those legs.
You got this.

Wait, is that ‐‐

Is your trainer on your back
right now

while you're on my back?

‐Yep. Keep up the pace.
‐Yep. Keep up the pace.

I think I need to take five
to hydrate.

Hey, what the ‐‐ you're sort of
holding me back there.

Is this
part of the training?

Yes. For the last time,
this method works.

It's how Gerard Butler
got ripped

for "How To Train Your Dragon."

Okay, that's a cartoon.
I feel like this is a scam.

Good session today.
See you next week.

Where are you ‐‐
Hey! You took my wallet!

Mirren: Animals navigate
life in the wild

in a state of constant vigil ‐‐

forever scanning
their surroundings

to thwart imminent threats.

But do these creatures
possess the ability

to refocus their attention
from outside dangers

and look within to perhaps
discover something

akin to confidence
or even pride?

Monkey: If you got it,
you flaunt it, Helen Mirren.

And I have got it
going on.

Mirren: Oh, no.
Oh, you poor thing.

It's the jungle.
It's really cold in the jungle.

That's what it is.

Monkey:
What makes you say that?

Mirren: Nothing.
No, nothing. Nothing at all.

No, no,
you be you, champ.

There is evidence in nature

that some animals
are not only self‐aware,

but they also strive
to better themselves,

like these elephants
in central Africa.

Woman: Welcome to
"Elephant Etiquette,"

a course on how to be the best,

most polished version
of your elephant self.

Let us begin with...

fine dining.

This is Girtha.

Hello.

Girtha, show them how to be
a proper elephant.

[ Slurping ]
Tusks up.

Tusks always up.

Remember, ladies, it's one
refined motion up to the mouth.

[ Slurping ]

Another tip ‐‐
do not pace yourself.

A proper elephant eats
the way Cardi B talks.

[ Gurgling ]

Rapidly, aggressively,

and using noises
no one knew existed.

[ Gurgling ]

That's right.

Eat like they're going to
outlaw food in the morning.

So refined.

Yes. Yes!

Like the inside of your [bleep]
is on fire

and this is the only way
to put it out.

Quite punctilious.

[ Gasps ]
Mmm. Ahhhh.

Remember, an elephant
is not a true lady

unless her entire trunk
is positively sopping

with wet, messy mud and slop.

You can remember this
by memorizing this poem ‐‐

"A lady legit must be
covered in [bleep]"

[ Slurping, gurgling ]

These two are ready
for high society.

This has been
"Elephant Etiquette."

Next time, we shall discuss

proper, polite
conversation topics.

Have you listened to
the latest Joe Rogan podcast?

Ooh,
I love when he opines

on the benefits of
human growth hormone.

Ah, so refined.

♪♪

Mirren: We travel now to
the Lopburi ruins of Thailand.

Here, we meet a family
of macaque

who, in a break from their
normally frenetic existence,

struggle to preserve
a singular moment in time.

Photographer: Okay,
Anderson Family, you're up next.

Time to get
your holiday portrait.

Grandpa Joe: What is this?
What are we doing?

Angela: Grandpa Joe,
it's a family picture.

You might want to
close your legs.

Connor: Ugh, why are we
doing this again? It's so lame.

Dylan: Mummy, can we point
the camera this way?

Mom: No, honey, you have to do
what the photographer says.

I'm sorry.

My family is
a bit...hectic.

Kids, come on!
Whoo!

Sit down next to Grandpa.

We're going to have
a nice family picture!

Photographer: Okay. So if I can
get tall monkeys in the back...

What are you doing, Connor?
You're not tall.

Mom: Angela, Connor,
stop fighting.

Connor: I still don't get why
Kate can't be in the photo.

Because she's
your girlfriend.

She's not family.

[ Scoffs ] We've been dating
for three weeks.

Why are we even
doing this again?

Photographer: You know what,
I'm just gonna take the photo.

[ Camera shutter clicks ]

♪♪

Announcer: And now
watch out for shrapnel.

These are
Uncle Antelope's truth bombs.

Uncle Antelope:
Well, well, well.

Once again, Uncle Antelope
told ya,

but ya just don't listen.

I called it, I said,
"Kevin Hart will have

a successful mid‐career
dramatic turn."

You see "Fatherhood"?

I've been calling these
since way back.

Sandler ‐‐ "Uncut Gems."

Carrell ‐‐ "Foxcatcher."

Mo'Nique ‐‐ "Precious: Based on
the Novel 'Push' by Sapphire."

Need I continue?

But no,
nobody listens to Uncle Ant.

Because "He's got a back mohawk
and a drinking problem."

"He can't go
within 200 feet of a school.

What's he know about acting?"

Well, I know this ‐‐

what Kevin Hart lacks
in height,

he makes up for in range.

Announcer: This has been
"Uncle Antelope's Truth Bombs."

♪♪

Mirren: Earth ‐‐

home to millions
of fascinating species.

We're all familiar
with the phrase "party animal."

But what you may not know
is the name derives

from an actual
prehistoric creature,

the pars animalis.

He was a loud
but occasionally good hang

who went extinct
in the late Triassic period.

It was either due
to a keg stand gone wrong

or an asteroid impact,

and he really didn't know
the difference.

But the proud spirit
of the party animal lives on

in his present‐day descendants,

like these Fiordland crested
penguins in New Zealand.

♪♪

Penguin: This club's
gonna be lit!

Please
let the club be lit.

Oh, here we go.

Aw, yeah,
the club sounds lit.

It's lit. It's lit.
[ Laughs ]

Even the line
to get in is lit.

Penguin #2: I'm not waiting
in line.

Do you know who I am?

This is gonna be lit!

Penguin #3: Whoo!
The club is lit.

It's lit.

I told you it'd be lit.

Wait, is this the line?

Or is the line over there?

Yeah, hold up,
I'm confused.

Are we at the start
or the end?

This is the line for the club,
right?

I think it's the line
for the bathroom.

Sweet! A bathroom line.
[ Laughs ]

I'm gonna be honest,
I'm just so happy to be

out of the house
for the first time in 19 months.

♪♪

Announcer: Are you tired
of the club scene

and looking for a romantic,
sensual weekend getaway

with your special someone?

Couple's packages available now

at Murky Puddle of Filth.

Murky Puddle of Filth.

Do whatever you want.

Be dirty.

We won't ask any questions,

except for "Can we see
a valid credit card?"

Only at...

Murky Puddle of Filth.

Fetid.

Turgid.

Swampy.

And you can have sex here,

only at...

Murky Puddle of Filth.

Come on in,
because it's disgusting

and so are you.

Only at...

Murky Puddle of Filth.

♪♪

Mirren: As we wing our way
across the globe,

the natural world reveals
startling, profound truths,

such as
orangutans are gross weirdos...

...wolves are basically
just big dogs,

and there really seems
to be someone for everyone.

I mean, hell,
even my producer Jerry

found someone
who agreed to marry him.

Jerry: Uh, thank you,
Dame Helen.

You're welcome.

But for every successful
romantic pairing,

there are those who try a little
too hard to attract a mate ‐‐

like these ring‐tailed lemurs
in Madagascar.

♪♪

Lemur: Ladies?

Ladies?

Go ahead, take a peek.

Don't be shy.
You know you want to look.

That's right,
you see it.

Just a single guy
with a cute baby.

Handsome and a dad?

What a catch!

Lemur #2: Ugh,
this was a dumb idea.

What?
Ladies love babies.

How long
do we have these for?

We paid
for the full‐day rental.

Uh‐oh,
up there, to your left.

Female lemur: Hey, those kids
should be in school.

Hello, ladies. Hi.

What are you doing
with those kids?

Those aren't your kids.

Dude, I told you we should've
gotten puppies instead.

♪♪

♪♪

Announcer: Get ready for
a mushroom cloud of honesty.

These are
Uncle Antelope's truth bombs.

Uncle Antelope:
Well, well, well.

Once again,
Uncle Antelope was right.

I told ya
that Wuhan Coronavirus Lab

was leakier
than a baboon's ass.

Only a matter of time
before somebody forgets

to lock the plague room,
and then boom.

Pande‐Mick Jagger.

I told ya.

But nobody listens
to Uncle Antelope,

just because
he "ruins Thanksgivings"

and "draws on his own
zebra stripes with chalk."

Announcer: This has been
"Uncle Antelope's Truth Bombs."

♪♪

Mirren: Though we often observe
a natural world

beset by uncertainty
and marked by carnage...

...there are, just as often,

moments of pure tranquility.

We travel now to South Africa,

to witness the normally spirited
chacma baboon

taking a moment

to delight in all of nature's
intoxicating wonders.

♪♪

Nate: It's already been
15 minutes,

and these edibles
still haven't hit yet.

I'm gonna take two more.

Maybe three.

I can't...feel my...face.

Anyone got any of those
little pizza bagels?

[ Groans ]

Announcer: Addiction
to literal grass

is no laughing matter.

If you or a loved one
needs help,

we're here for you at...

Fresh Beginnings Malibu.

There's very little grass here,

but somebody might offer you
marijuana.

♪♪

Mirren: Our expedition
into this planet's wild realms

now comes to an end.

And while there are
startling differences

between earth's many species ‐‐

some are weird,

while others are merely gross ‐‐

every living being on this
planet shares one commonality ‐‐

a search for meaning,

for purpose,

or just for someplace
where we can sit by ourselves

and be gross.

There you go.

And our search for kinship
with these fascinating creatures

shall once more be renewed

when nature calls.

♪♪

Megan?

Megan!

Megan.

Megan!

Megan.

Megaaaan!

Megan?

Megan!

Megaaaan!

Megaaaan!

Meeegaaaan!

Megan?

Megan!

Megan.

Megan.

Megan. Megan.

Megan.

Megan.

Megan!

What?!

What do you want?!

Did you get my text?