When Nature Calls (2021–2022): Season 1, Episode 8 - The Burger Hole - full transcript
♪♪
Mirren: Our world can appear
insurmountably huge...
[ Insects chirping ]
...its inhabitants divided
by vast deserts,
towering mountains,
and impenetrable jungles.
Truly, how well do we know
our wild neighbors?
Lemur: Come here, you sexy
little tree minx.
Mm. [ Smooching ]
Lemur #2: Oh, you're so bad.
Stop it. Stop. St‐‐
No, no, don't stop.
[ Smooching continues ]
Ow‐ow‐ow‐ow!
Ow‐owwww!
What the [bleep]?
Don't mind me.
I'm just your neighbor.
Yeah, that doesn't
make it less creepy.
Mirren: Still,
this planet's creatures
are part of one
massive community.
Billions of diverse
individuals
who all reside
on a home called...Earth.
Monkey: Oh, is that
what it's called?
Gee, thanks, Helen.
What would we ever do
without you?
Mirren:
This planet vibrates
with the energy
of its creatures...
Ram: You guys feel
that vibrating, too?
...each of them contributing
their unique voices
to our shared experience.
Humans and animals
are connected
in ways both simple...
and mysterious.
♪♪
Now, open your heart...
and get to know your wild
neighbors when nature calls.
♪♪
In nature, one must be
ever prepared,
as peril lurks
around every corner.
Hideous monstrosities
with menacing intentions,
creatures pouncing from above,
and a disorienting cacophony
of primal howls.
It's kind of like being
at a tailgate party
before a football game.
But even in the arduous realm
of the animals,
there are those
who will step forward
to lend a hand,
as we see with these
capuchin monkeys
in the treetops of Costa Rica.
Scott: [ Groaning ]
Monkey: Oh, my God,
is he going to die?
Monkey #2: I'm doing
everything I can, miss.
He might be
going into shock.
God, I'm so
sorry, Scott.
If I knew you were
allergic to bees,
I never would have suggested
a hike for our second date.
I may not have...
much time.
Can you do
something for me?
Anything.
I need you to log into
my work computer
and make a change
to my life insurance policy.
Sure, yes, okay. I‐I'll log in
to your work computer.
The password is
"ShawnMendes" ‐‐ no space.
Wait, Shawn Mendes ‐‐
like, the singer?
That's right.
Now, on my desktop,
you'll see a file named ‐‐
Wait, why is your
password "ShawnMendes"?
I just needed
something random.
Now, on my desktop ‐‐
I gotta agree
with her.
"ShawnMendes"
isn't a random password.
If anything,
it's incredibly specific.
Can we just focus
on me not dying?
Of course. But can I ask
just one more question?
What?
Are you a huge fan
of Shawn Mendes?
I was wondering
the exact same thing.
No, I'm just
an average male
in his mid‐30s
dying of a bee sting.
I'm not secretly
some huge Shawn Mendes fan.
Okay. Uh, I log in.
Then what?
So, my life insurance policy
is in a folder on my desktop
labeled "There's Nothing
Holdin' Me Back."
A‐Are you
[bleep] kidding me?
Oh, come on!
What's the big deal?!
Dude, relax.
Everything is fine.
Oh, thank God.
So I'm not gonna die?
No, I meant, it's fine
that you're a huge
Shawn Mendes fan.
You're still gonna die
of this bee sting.
[ Sighs ] Then, can you
please tell someone
who's very important to me
that I love them very much?
Let me guess ‐‐
Shawn Mendes.
No.
Yes.
Ma'am, I'm sorry.
I have terrible news.
Your boyfriend ‐‐
Ah, he's more of
an acquaintance.
Oh. Oh, well,
he just passed away.
Oh, that's terrible.
Do you remember who he wanted
me to get a message to?
I'm afraid
the name escapes me.
Was it...Ed Sheeran?
Yes! That was it.
That guy. Mm‐hmm.
♪♪
Announcer: And now, untamed,
unvarnished, unsolicited.
These are
"Unpopular Wolf Opinions."
Wolf:
I'm genuinely happy
for everyone I follow
on social media,
especially when great things
happen to them,
or they travel
to cool places.
I really like seeing it.
Announcer: This has been
"Unpopular Wolf Opinions."
♪♪
Mirren: Life in the wild
is a study in contrasts ‐‐
the collision between
opposing forces.
The graceful gazelle must evade
the hungry cheetah.
Seals must learn to co‐exist
alongside relentless orca.
And monkeys ‐‐
[ Scoffs ]
Well, they seem
particularly confused by rocks.
Look at these dummies.
I mean, somebody get these guys
an instruction manual
for rocks or something.
[ Laughs ] Yeesh.
But what happens
when an animal is faced
with opposition
from its own species?
We shall see with this ant,
deep in the forests
of New Zealand.
♪♪
Announcer:
Frozen since the stone age
and thawed out in modern times,
it's "Cave‐Ant!"
[ Indistinct chatter ]
Cave‐Ant: Where am I?
No ‐‐ when am I?
[ Indistinct chatter ]
Hello? Excuse me!
Ant: Yeah, buddy.
What's up?
Salutations, future bug.
I am an ant from
thousands of years ago.
When I was frozen
in this ice,
ants were but
a primitive civilization,
carrying tiny blades
of grass to and fro
with our bare hands.
We still do that.
Really? So ‐‐
Okay, so, not even,
like, wagons?
Okay. Um, okay.
In my time, eons ago,
ants had not yet dreamed
of personal home ownership
or even invented
the condominium!
It may shock you to hear
that we all once lived
underground together
with our mom, and ‐‐
Yeah. Colonies, bro.
Still do that, too.
Well, what the hell
have you guys been doing
for a thousand years?!
Is anything new?
I don't know.
Um, did you guys
have Facebook?
What is Facebook?
It's like a giant room
where racists and advertisers
scream to get your attention.
Also, there's Twitter.
Okay, and what's Twitter?
Same thing, but worse.
Wow. Okay, Got it.
So, I'm just gonna
re‐freeze myself
for another thousand years.
Just defrost me
when there's flying cars.
Good night!
♪♪
Announcer: "Cave‐Ant!"
♪♪
Announcer: [ German accent ]
If you are a snake
or perhaps a lizard
without limbs
looking for a fun night out,
then look no further
than Europe's hottest club ‐‐
Das Snake Pit.
Located under a rock somewhere
between Deustchland und Denmark,
this one‐of‐a‐kind venue
is roughly the size
of a shoe box,
making it the perfect place
to tangle up tight
und have a good time.
Snake: [ German accent ]
Excuse me. Pardon me.
Thank you. Sven!
Sven:
[ German accent ] Yah?
This is crazy!
I cannot make
heads or tails!
[ Laughs ]
Yah, good one.
No, really.
Is this you?
Snake #2: Perhaps.
Tell me if you feel this.
[ Chomps ]
Ow! Who bit me?!
Nein, I felt nothing.
Announcer: Nein cover charge,
nein drink minimums,
nein sunlight.
With drink specials
all night long,
like venom shooters
for just 18 euros.
Und special appearances
from some of the hottest DJs
in the world,
including DJ Snake...
Snake #3: Ooh, yah!
...Steve Snake‐Oki...
Oh, yah!
...Tiesssssssssto...
I love it!
...und next weekend,
a special appearance
from every snake's
favorite DJ ‐‐ deadmau5!
We're going crazy!
So, slither and writhe on down
to a night club
that's any other animal's
worst nightmare
und a shnake's
dream come true!
Das Snake Pit.
We'll be waiting for you!
♪♪
Mirren: Our animal friends
possess a wealth
of natural defense techniques.
To ward off threats,
the skunk will release
foul odors,
the baboon will flash
its fearsome teeth...
[ Baboon screeches ]
...and this llama
will exhaust a predator
by talking endlessly about
its intermittent‐fasting
and bone‐broth diet.
And in the scrub brush
of Madagascar,
the crafty ring‐tailed lemur
has its own approach
to personal security.
♪♪
Announcer: Bird‐glars.
Bird: Anybody home?
Announcer:
Iguana intruders.
[ Gun cocks ]
Iguana: Everybody down!
Announcer:
Trespassing tarsiers.
Tarsier:
How about you leave?
Common tree thieves.
[ Object shatters ]
Monkey: Help!
He's getting away!
They can strike at any time,
so when they do,
make sure you're prepared
with RIM.
♪♪
RIM is a revolutionary
home security system
that's wiping away crime
for good.
To activate the system,
use our patented rectal scanner,
which will only grant
access to your anus
and your anus alone.
[ System chimes ]
If someone without access
attempts to gain entry,
they'll be rejected
immediately.
[ Alarm blaring ]
[ Electricity zaps ]
Lemur: Ow!
This thing
burned my rectum!
Announcer: Once activated,
the system sends a signal
up a long pole,
alerting two highly trained
security guards
to be on the lookout
for any suspicious activity.
Lemur: [ Munching ]
Have you guys thought
about couples counseling?
Lemur #2: I mean,
I'd be open to it,
but I don't know
if Janine would.
Lemur #3: Help!
I'm being robbed!
Oh [bleep]
Oh [bleep]
Go, go, go, go, go, go!
I'm going
as fast as I can!
I can see them!
They're getting away!
Why the [bleep]
is this tree so tall?!
Forget it.
They're gone.
Announcer:
RIM Home Security ‐‐
We've got your ass covered.
♪♪
Announcer: You didn't ask,
and he doesn't care.
These are
"Unpopular Wolf Opinions."
Wolf: Personally,
I think the
"Sex & the City" reboot
will be better
without Samantha.
Yeah. I said it.
Still a Kim Cattrall
fan, though!
Announcer: This has been
"Unpopular Wolf Opinions."
♪♪
Mirren: In the animal kingdom,
familial structure
is as indelible as it is
in human society ‐‐
perhaps even more so.
I mean, for example,
did you know
that the number
of capuchin monkey marriages
that end in divorce is only 24%?
And that's true, because
I read it in some magazine
in my dentist's office,
incidentally.
Within the animal kingdom,
this commitment to family
is truly inspiring...
but not without
its tribulations ‐‐
as evidenced by a clan
of chinstrap penguins
on the rocks of
the South Shetland Islands.
[ Indistinct shouting ]
♪♪
[ Baby crying ]
Penguin: You know what?
Next year, I'm going on vacation
by my own damn self.
Yeah, you deserve it.
Now, if I could only
find my family.
Oh, boy.
Scooter: Daddy!
I'm frickin' starving!
Yeah, hold on,
Scooter, sweetie.
I'm coming.
Where are you guys?
I'm over here.
By all the penguins.
Thanks. [ Chuckles ]
Very helpful.
Dad!
If I don't eat soon,
I'm gonna die!
You're not my wife,
you're not my wife,
you could be my wife
in a past life.
[ Baby crying ]
Oh, boy.
Dad!
Look, I said
I'm coming!
Does every freakin' penguin
in Antarctica
go to the same damn beach?!
[ Sighs ] I'm back.
Penguin #2: I sent you
to get food 45 minutes ago.
Where the hell
were you?!
Look, I got distracted
thinking about you guys
and, uh,
leaving you here
and swimming off to start
a new life in Hawaii.
What?!
It was joke.
Look, here's your food.
[ Gagging ]
[ Gargling ]
Where are the nachos?
I specifically asked
for nachos.
Linda, you know the prices are
ridiculous here, okay?
All right, fine,
I'll be right back ‐‐
in about an hour
and a half!
I'm gonna walk through the
depths of hell for nachos.
Why the hell does my species
have to mate for life?
♪♪
Mirren: We leave the craggy
coasts of the Norwegian Sea
to see how the search
for sustenance
can drive animals into deeper,
stranger territory.
The yellow‐bellied sapsucker
must contend not only with
harsh climate and predators,
but with its own
persnickety species
in the dense
North American woodlands.
Announcer: Hungry
for a late‐night bite?
Stop by the Burger Hollow
and have it our way!
Bird: What the [bleep]
do you want?
The Burger Hollow
is always open
with the service you deserve
for ordering this garbage
at 2:00 in the morning.
Fries? Who the [bleep]
told you we had fries?
Our employees asked to be paid
above minimum wage,
so we told them
to go to hell,
and we pass the savings
on to you!
Hi, I don't have
health insurance.
Can I take your
[bleep] order?
Bird #2: One veggie
burger, please.
Do you want a little bit
of spit on that, or a lot?
Um...none?
All right, that's it ‐‐
I've had it.
Oh, not the face!
[ Gagging ]
Crazy ‐‐
[ Both gagging ]
The Burger Hollow.
You don't want to come here,
and we don't want to serve you.
Soft serve machine's
broken,
and we're all
going on break.
So, please,
go [bleep] yourself.
♪♪
Mirren: Animals exist
at the mercy of the elements.
They must endure
extreme temperatures
and inclement weather,
and very few of them
ever carry an umbrella.
[ Thunder rumbles ]
These environmental variations
can be harsh,
which begs the question ‐‐
why don't they all just move
to Southern California?
I mean, it's pretty
great here.
And I've got a spare futon
for any of them
who need to crash.
Just saying.
In wild realms,
climate can shift unexpectedly,
leading to
unfamiliar challenges ‐‐
as it does for
the Cape penguins of Namibia.
♪♪
Penguin: [ Grunting ]
Lizard Larry:
Yeah, that's right.
It's supposed to hurt!
It does!
Lizard Larry: Good! This is
"Lizard Larry's Boot Camp,"
and I'm Lizard Larry.
You want that lean, sexy,
dangerously dehydrated
lizard bod?
You gotta earn it!
I've been whipping chonky,
blubbery penguins
into shape since '96,
and my techniques get results!
Penguin #2: I don't think
our bodies are meant for this.
You know what's under
all that blubber?
Penguin: [ Groans ]
More blubber?
A six‐pack, stupid!
I've been giving sloppy penguins
D'Angelo abs since '94.
Don't get mad ‐‐ get results!
[ Echoing ] Let's go!
Penguin #3: I'm in pain!
Penguin #4: Ugh. Oh, my leg.
[ All groaning ]
Penguin #5: I'm starting
to see things.
Lizard Larry:
Well, hallucination is weakness
leaving the body.
WebMD says
it's extreme dehydration.
Yeah, but nobody wants
to have sex with WebMD.
Penguin: I think
we're gonna die.
I don't care
if you're covered in fur
and live in cold ‐‐
That's exactly
our situation!
You want to be
fat and alive
or dead and chiseled?
Fat and alive!
Fat and alive!
We want to be alive!
Why is it
only those two?
Lizard Larry: I said
[Echoing] dead and chiseled!
♪♪
♪♪
Announcer: Yes,
we're still doing this.
Time for another of our
"Unpopular Wolf Opinions."
Wolf: Tom Hanks sucks.
My favorite member
of the Hanks family is Chet.
It goes Chet, then Colin,
and Tom is a distant third.
And I'm off.
Announcer: This has been
"Unpopular Wolf Opinions."
♪♪
Mirren: Creatures in the wild
must utilize any means necessary
to triumph over their foes.
Ant: [ Screams ]
And most animals have long since
discovered that their mouth
holds the most powerful weapons
in their arsenal.
The alligator uses
its long rows of sharp teeth
to seize and hold prey,
while the lion brandishes
its keen‐edged carnassial teeth
to sever their spoils.
[ Lion roars ]
And this walrus
will just bite a dude
and then finish them off
with a shoulder‐mounted
rocket launcher.
Let us now travel to
the jungles of Southeast Asia,
where a long‐tailed macaque
is getting quite a lesson
to chew upon.
♪♪
Dr. Simian: Hello, kids.
My name is Dr. Simian, DDS,
and that's the tea.
Ha‐ha‐ha‐ha.
Now that I've successfully
got your attention,
I'd like to talk to you about
the importance of flossing.
No, I am not talking about
the super‐cool dance craze.
I am speaking, of course,
of flossing your teeth.
But just like the dance craze,
all the kids are doing it.
Check out this little pro.
He's the coolest kid
in his class.
But you know what?
He still flosses.
Isn't that right, Randall?
Randall:
That's right, Doc!
Boy, flossing
sure is Gucci!
That's right ‐‐
flossing is Gucci.
Randall flosses every day
because he knows the many
dangers that could befall him
were he to skip
his daily floss.
And no, I'm not talking about
getting canceled.
Ha‐ha‐ha.
I'm speaking of
dangers like...
So, don't be basic.
Ha‐ha‐ha.
Be like
the coolest kids I know
and floss, floss, floss.
Thank you all
for watching my video,
and thank you
to my nephew, Randall,
for helping me
punch up the script
with all those
super funny jokes.
Randall: Say "like and
subscribe," then laugh.
Huh?
Say "like and
subscribe," then laugh!
Say like and subscribe
and then laugh.
I said, say "like and
subscribe," then laugh!
[ Beep ]
Oh. Like and subscribe.
Ha‐ha.
I don't get that.
It's a super
funny jo‐‐
♪♪
♪♪
Mirren: Our time
amongst the animals
now draws to a close.
We have seen so many
breathtaking wonders.
[ Wolf howling ]
The commanding wolf.
The spry and energetic lemur.
And birds in trees
ordering cheeseburgers.
But you know
what we haven't seen?
Adorable kittens playing
in cardboard boxes.
Jerry.
Jerry, show me those.
Jerry: Well, kittens aren't
really wild animals,
so why would we ‐‐
Jerry.
Less chat,
more kitten footage.
Here you go.
[ Sighs ]
[ Kittens mewing ]
Aww, there we go.
And now I'd like to see
a raccoon riding a jet ski.
Well, where
would we even find ‐‐
Jerry.
Let me look.
Join us again, friends,
to once again witness
the stunning variety
of sights and sounds
that burst forth...
when nature calls.
♪♪
Toby: [ Sighs ]
Penguin:
Hey, that's the guy
I was telling
you about ‐‐ Toby.
He's always so relaxed.
So chill.
Penguin #2: Wow, man.
I‐I wish I was like Toby.
Just hanging out,
taking a nap on a branch.
He's the chillest guy
I've ever seen.
So chill.
Super chill.
Someone please help me.
I'm stuck up here.
Did he say something?
I don't know.
We're too far away.
God, he must be having
the time of his life.
Not a care
in the world.
Someone help me,
please.
My legs are too short
to climb down.
I've been trapped up here
for a week!
I wonder
what he's saying.
Probably something about
how chill he is
and what a great time
he's having. [ Chuckles ]
Gosh, I'd love
to have that life.
How do you think
he got up there?
It was a hawk ‐‐
a massive hawk.
You wouldn't believe
the size of that thing.
I thought it was
gonna eat me,
but it just left me
here to die.
Oh, I wish it had eaten me.
You really can't hear me?
'Cause ‐‐ 'Cause I can
hear you.
You're killin' it, Toby!
Killin' it!
Don't change
a thing, man!
Ahh, Toby.
What a guy.
We can probably return
that ladder, right?
Yeah, I don't think
we'll need a ladder
for anything
anytime soon.
[ Sighs ] So, that's it.
This ‐‐ This is how
I'm gonna die.
♪♪
Mirren:
Glimpsed with fresh eyes,
Earth is a cornucopia
of overwhelming
sensual delights.
Miraculous.
Awe‐inspiring.
But so commonplace to us
that we now take
for granted this world
and its noble occupants.
Goose: Oh, look at another
breathtaking sunrise
to mark the dawn
of a new day.
‐Wow, yeah.
‐Oh, yeah.
Mirren: As humans,
we would do well
to remind ourselves
of this planet's endless beauty.
And that fresh perspective
is available to us
through our wild cousins ‐‐
the animals.
Chipmunk:
Did you know Snoop Dogg
and Brandy are cousins?
Mirren: These creatures
act as ambassadors.
They possess a primal connection
to the raw power of this world.
But animals are not
mere bystanders.
They are, in fact,
nature itself.
Deer: It's like
she's saying nothing
but sounds
really important doing it.
Deer #2:
It's the accent.
Mirren:
Prepare to see the world
as if discovering it
for the first time.
Our brethren in the wild
will lead the way...
when nature calls.
♪♪
♪♪
The creatures of the wild
are not known for their
discriminating palates.
I mean no disrespect
to our animal friends.
It's just that most of them
are just big ol' slobs.
Ugh!
I mean, at least pair that grub
you just dug out of your fur
with a nice glass of red wine.
I mean, that's what I drink
when I eat grubs.
But animals can
occasionally surprise us
with their finicky
food choices,
as we'll see with these
North American bighorn sheep.
Sheep:
Oh ‐‐ Oh, my Go‐‐
Who brought this nasty‐ass
hummus to the potluck?
Sheep #2: Hey,
I made that hummus!
You calling me
a bad dip‐maker?
Rrrrgh...ugh!
But I'm genuinely curious.
Was it too lemony?
Too garlicky?
Not smooth enough?
I'm trying to perfect it,
so I'm open to all suggestions.
Sheep: There's just
no "umph," you know?
Like, there's no kick
to it.
Sheep #2: Kick?
You know?
Like, a kick.
Ow! Hey!
You just kicked me!
Yeah, you feel that?
Now, imagine that,
but in flavor form.
The hummus starts off
all oily and creamy,
and then boom!
A kick at the end.
Ouch! Quit it!
Dude! Don't be
kicking me!
You kicked me first!
Right, but you're the one
who wanted culinary advice
to step up
your hummy game.
You know what?
I don't need
this energy in my life.
I'm going to the drink table to
pour myself some fruit punch.
I wouldn't do that.
Whoever made that punch
needs to get punched.
It's dirt‐dirt gross.
Hey, pal!
I made that punch!
[ Both grunt ]
But seriously,
what was wrong with it?
Too citrusy?
♪♪
Mirren: With their diverse
physiologies and habitats,
animals are afforded
unique views of this planet.
Howler monkeys
climb the highest trees
to keep watch for predators.
Mountain goats scale
great heights
to scout
fertile feeding ground.
While this poor mudskipper
can do nothing
but stare up at rhinoceros'
genitals all day long.
An animal's vantage point
is its own window to the world,
as we see with
the mighty bald eagle
in the skies above
the continental divide.
[ Wind rushing ]
For "WNC News,"
I'm Diane Bonobo.
And now, with a look at traffic,
let's go to our eye in the sky,
Jim Steegle the Traffic Eagle,
who is celebrating 35 years
with "WNC News."
Jim, how's it looking
up there?
Steegle: [ Over radio ]
Well, Diane, you are lucky
to be in the studio right now,
because it is a
bumper‐to‐bumper
parking lot of ants down there.
Bonobo: I'm sorry, ants?
Steegle: Yes.
From up here, I can clearly see
hundreds of tiny little dots,
none bigger than a penny.
Ants on ants, Diane,
and it is gridlock.
Bonobo:
Those are buffalo, Jim.
Steegle: No, Diane,
buffalo are huge animals.
The tiny specks below me
are clearly ants.
Bonobo: Jim, I'm guessing
you forgot to wear
your glasses today.
Steegle:
You don't need glasses when
you have experience, Diane.
35 years.
They gave me an award
at a luncheon.
Did you get a luncheon?
Bonobo: Wow.
So, they're just gonna
let you do this job
until you kill somebody.
Steegle: Yes, Diane.
It is a thrill
to still be somebody.
Bonobo: Great, now he needs
glasses and a hearing aid.
Steegle: [ Chuckles ]
My God.
I never realized
that ants have horns!
Bonobo: When we come back,
I'll see if Jim
has any family we can call.
♪♪
♪♪
[ Birds chirping ]
♪♪
Mirren: Romantic pairings
for any species
often end
in disappointment...
heartbreak...
or the gnawing realization
that this isn't even
the same person
from the photos
on their dating profile.
[ Flamingoes squawking ]
I mean, seriously ‐‐
how do these flamingos
even tell each other apart?
They should at least be
wearing nametags.
Yes, hooking up
has its challenges
in any habitat,
as we'll see in this dalliance
between two Fiordland penguins
in New Zealand.
♪♪
[ Mid‐tempo electronic
music plays ]
Penguin:
Don't worry, babe.
I just put on
some mood music.
Penguin #2: Oh, yeah.
I love this song.
This new streaming app
has an amazing library,
and it was totally free.
I don't care about that.
All I care about
right now is you.
[ Smooching ]
♪♪
When I hear this song...
I can't control
myself, babe.
[ Smooching continues ]
♪♪
Announcer: You're listening
to FreshMusic Free.
For an ad‐free experience,
sign up for a premium account
for only $42.99 a month.
Just ignore that voice.
Just you and me
and the music.
[ Upbeat music plays ]
Are you sick of staring
at your disgusting
varicose veins?
So are we.
Here at Vein Blasters,
we'll laser off
those barfy blue lines
and get your gams
gleaming again.
[ Scoffs ] Um...
You no longer need
to be embarrassed...
That's gross.
...by the web‐like,
blood‐engorged entrails
snaking down your legs
like withered branches...
Yeah, geez.
What a specific ad.
Do you want to stop?
...on a dying tree.
So say goodbye to those
nasty varicose veins...
No, no, no, no, no!
It'll be over soon.
...and say hello
to a gigantic pill
you have to take three times
in the middle of the night
every day for the rest
of your life.
Vein Blasters.
Available at the store.
[ Smooching ]
There we go.
Announcer #2:
Are you a penguin suffering
from restless leg syndrome
who also needs
to make a website?
Of course you are!
Oh, my God.
Um, how about we just watch
something sexy on TV?
Great idea.
I just signed up for a free
TV streaming app where ‐‐
...user friendly.
W‐Where are you going?
Announcer: If you like
an entire week of programming
solely dedicated to a single
thrilling, mysterious animal,
then you'll love Deer Week.
Seven days dedicated to nature's
perfect prancing machine.
We kick‐start the bad‐assery
with "Deer: Hunter."
Watch as ferocious
bucks and does
stalk and kill innocent leaves,
helpless tree bark ‐‐
even flowers.
Deer can smell
a single blade of grass
from up to a mile away,
and prairie shrubs
don't stand a chance
against the blunt incisors
and flat molars
of these voracious vegans.
Next, celebrate deer's balletic
talents on "Deadly Prance!"
Millions of years of evolution
have turned the deer
into an unstoppably
graceful dancer,
perfectly designed
for elegant leaps
and dainty bounds.
Then, it's time to talk mating
and get buck wild.
Antlers are a buck's way
of saying "I'm rich."
Each point on an antler
represents $1 million
in deer money.
Deer without money
can still snag desirable females
by being tall, funny,
or possessing a girthy
"bottom antler."
Watch Deer Week
to see nature's most menacing,
loping, button‐nosed
grazing machines
in all their glory.
And...
All on Deer Week.
Get some!
[ Stag rumbles ]
Announcer #2:
And all during Deer Week,
check out a special
sneak preview
of our new,
life‐changing series.
Beaky: I don't really know
how it got so bad.
I guess it was probably
all the seeds.
Seeds and nuts.
You know, we used to have
to forage for all that stuff,
but now people just have it
sitting out on their lawns.
Open buffet, all you can eat.
So I kept eating
and kept eating.
[ Tearfully ]
But I‐I'm ready for a change.
Announcer #2: Witness Beaky's
emotional journey
on a ground‐breaking
new series,
"My 600 oz. Life."
♪♪
Mirren: Water is one
of the essential components
of all life on Earth,
and its importance
cannot be overestimated.
Hippos submerge themselves
in water
to counteract the intense heat
of the jungle.
Amphibious animals
utilize ponds and streams
as shelter
from hungry carnivores.
And I believe some animals
actually drink water,
but I'm not 100% sure.
I mean ‐‐ I mean,
what do you want from me?
I'm an actor.
I'm not a zoologist.
But some creatures seek
hydration from other sources ‐‐
like these African elephants
in Tanzania.
♪♪
Announcer:
You're an elephant on the go.
Active. Vibrant. Powerful.
And to stay hydrated
in the sweltering heat,
you need
a high‐performance beverage
to keep up with your
fast‐paced lifestyle.
Distilled from the waters
of a jungle mudhole
into which
a multinational corporation
has been dumping unmarked
barrels for four decades.
One sip, and you'll be ready
to run like a cheetah.
You may even think
you're a cheetah.
We have no idea
what's in this [bleep]
We just call it...
And the more
SwampJuice you drink,
the more alive you feel.
Elephant:
Spray me down, baby!
I'm gonna trample a village!
Announcer: Just don't share it
with your lightweight friends.
Bird: I'm gonna peck my way
into your brain!
Elephant:
Calm down, Carl.
Get your fill
of the mysterious,
chemical‐waste‐packed
boost of...
Now in three
refreshing flavors ‐‐
Viscous, Fetid,
and Code Brown.
♪♪
Bonobo:
And now, I'm not sure why,
but let's check in again
with our "WNC News"
traffic reporter,
Jim Steegle the Traffic Eagle.
Steegle:
Fantastic news, Diane.
When we last spoke,
I said I saw
a huge traffic jam of ants,
and I'm happy to report
the situation now looks
much, much different.
Bonobo: Thank God.
For a second, I thought ‐‐
Steegle:
Things have cleared up,
and now there are
only three ants down there.
Bonobo:
Those are bears, Jim.
Steegle:
No, bears are massive
apex predators, Diane.
That is clearly
three tiny ants.
Bonobo: Jim, I thought you were
going to get Lasik surgery.
Those are three bears.
Steegle: Oh, really?
I‐Is Goldilocks
down there, too?
Let's send her
a bowl of porridge.
Bonobo: Jim, are you acquainted
with "relative perspective"?
Steegle:
Why? Did she say I was?
I mean, maybe I met her
once at a party,
but whatever I said,
it was meant as a compliment ‐‐
and also, I didn't say it.
Bonobo: That's Jim Steegle,
Traffic Eagle, everyone ‐‐
our highest‐paid employee.
We'll be right back
after I scream into a pillow.
♪♪
♪♪
Mirren: Animals have
varying responses
to unexpected confrontations
in the wild.
Caught off‐guard,
birds will fan out their plumage
to appear more threatening...
while the chameleon attempts
to avoid conflict
through subterfuge.
And the zebra will press
a button behind its ear
to trigger the whirling metal
blades hidden inside its hooves.
[ Laughs ] Not.
But along the steppes
of Patagonia,
this llama has its own unique
way of handling the unforeseen.
♪♪
Llama: I can't wait
to surprise my darling!
After all this time.
Here I come, darling!
Wait, what's going ‐‐
Darling?
Llama #2: Darling!
You're back from the war.
That's so great.
Yeah, I'm back from ‐‐
Hey, so,
what's happening?
What?
What's happening?
What?
What?
What? Huh?
You're ‐‐ The ‐‐
The guy!
Who ‐‐ Who's the guy?
Ohh, the guy!
The guy on top of me
right now.
Yes, of course.
This is Glenn.
Glenn: Hey, man.
Yeah, hi.
S‐So, are y‐‐
Are you two ‐‐
Are we...?
Oh! Oh my God.
Of course not!
No, whatever you think
is happening right now
is definitely
not happening.
[ Laughing ] Oh, phew!
Boy, I was gonna be
really peeved!
Hey, I'm gonna open
a bottle of celebratory
"home from the war"
champagne.
Glenn, you can join us!
That sounds great.
Let me just finish
having sex with your wife.
♪♪
Mirren: In the wild,
food options are
incredibly limited.
Most animals subsist
on simple diets
of whatever sustenance
is readily available.
Hmm. In that way,
I suppose they're not unlike
a drunk person
at 2:30 in the morning
microwaving a burrito
they purchased at a gas station.
♪♪
But occasionally,
our animal friends
do seek out a special meal,
as we see
with these water buffalo
in central Africa.
[ Classical music plays ]
Announcer: [ French accent ]
For the ultimate luxury
in watering hole dining,
there is only one name ‐‐
L'Abreuvoir.
From the moment you arrive,
our flock of waiters
cater to your every need.
Monsieur?
Monsieur?
Monsieur?
Monsieur?
Let our sommelier land
directly on your mouth
to recommend the perfect slurp.
Bird: This one,
monsieur.
With thousands
of tiny bird waiters
millimeters from your eyeballs,
L'Abreuvoir epitomizes
fine dining excellence.
Buffalo:
Get off my face!
Bird #2: Oui, monsieur!
Oui, monsieur!
Oui, monsieur!
Oui, monsieur!
Announcer: It is decadence.
It is opulence.
It is hundreds of tiny birdies
crawling inside your nostrils.
Buffalo #2: Kill me!
It is L'Abreuvoir.
Announcer #2:
Fully booked through 2027.
Bonobo: Welcome back
to "WNC News."
Before we check in
with Jim Steegle
the Traffic Eagle again,
I want to remind viewers
that Jim flies
at very high altitudes
and has been breathing thin air
for 30 years.
Steegle: Don't be
disrespectful, Diane.
35 years.
Bonobo: Marvelous.
How's the traffic, Jim?
Steegle: Looks pretty clear.
Just one elk.
Bonobo: That's ‐‐ Yes,
that's actually exactly correct.
Just one elk.
Steegle: Yes.
One impossibly small
micro‐elk.
Bonobo: Here we go.
Steegle: Now, from up here,
I can't tell how
the elk was miniaturized.
Could have been a ray gun
or, perhaps, just left
in the dryer too long.
And while the cause
of the shrinking is unknown,
one thing is certain ‐‐
that elk is three,
four inches tops.
So many questions remain
about the now ‐‐
Bonobo:
We're cutting Jim's mic now
because I think he's done.
And what a ride ‐‐
35 years on the job.
All the more impressive
considering the average
life‐span of an eagle
is about 20 years.
He's probably just gonna fly
out into the open ocean now.
Jim, it's been a pleasure.
[ Somber music plays ]
Jim: Wait, what the hell's
that say?
I died?!
And I have to find out about it
like this?!
Mirren: The natural world
bursts with sensory delights.
The shimmering brilliance
of a sun‐dappled shoreline...
[ Hippo trumpeting ]
...the resonant trumpet
of an imposing hippo...
and this penguin,
who I think kind of looks
like Robert De Niro.
[ As Robert De Niro ]
Hey, you talking to me?
I'm Robert De Niro,
except I'm a penguin now.
I'm walkin' here!
[ Normal voice ]
Yep [Chuckles] nailed it.
And there are some
sensual experiences
that go beyond the merely visual
or auditory,
as with this cheetah
in the southern Sahara Desert.
♪♪
Announcer:
Release your inhibition
with Primal Eau de Parfum.
Arouse your passion
with a scent inspired
by the essence of the wild.
Drench yourself in an aroma
that's just plain rank.
[ Whispers ] Rank.
Primal covers you
with the pungent notes
of a cheetah racing
through the Serengeti.
[ Whispers ] Pungent.
Magnolia, gardenia, vanilla ‐‐
no way.
Primal is musty, gamey,
and ferociously foul.
[ Whispers ] Smells like ass.
Just one spray
and your lover will say,
"What are you wearing?"
Then you'll say,
"It's my new perfume.
Do you like it?"
Then they'll say, "Is it
supposed to smell like that?"
And then you'll say, "Yes."
And they'll say, "Really? Wow."
Then there'll be
awkward silence.
[ Whispers ] Silence.
Primal Eau de Parfum,
the fragrance that truly reeks.
[ Whispers ]
I'm gonna be siiiick.
♪♪
Mirren:
From ocean to desert...
from pole to pole,
we have winged our way
across the breadth
of this amazing planet.
This one‐of‐a‐kind journey
causes one to muse upon one
of life's biggest questions ‐‐
can I convert
all this virtual travel
into frequent flyer miles?
Jerry, can you call
every airline
and find out if that's possible?
[ Click, music stops ]
Jerry: But I thought
we were wrapping up.
Tonight's my 20th
wedding anniversary.
And that's my problem how?
I'll get right on it.
Thank you, Jerry!
[ Music resumes ]
And thank you, dear viewer,
for joining us on another trek
to uncover the astonishing
wonders that can be revealed
when nature calls.
Monkey kid:
Pssst. Hey, guys.
Uncle Mark's asleep.
Monkey kid #2:
Whoa. Nice.
Should we ‐‐
D‐Do you think we should ‐‐
Look at his computer?
Monkey kid #3:
What? No way.
He said nobody's allowed
to look at his computer ever.
You guys.
He's asleep.
He'll never know.
Come on.
Let's look at his computer.
Shh! Quiet.
Don't wake him up.
Okay, I found it.
[ Clicking ]
Together: Ewwwwww!
He's writing comedy sketches
about talking animals.
Mirren: Our world can appear
insurmountably huge...
[ Insects chirping ]
...its inhabitants divided
by vast deserts,
towering mountains,
and impenetrable jungles.
Truly, how well do we know
our wild neighbors?
Lemur: Come here, you sexy
little tree minx.
Mm. [ Smooching ]
Lemur #2: Oh, you're so bad.
Stop it. Stop. St‐‐
No, no, don't stop.
[ Smooching continues ]
Ow‐ow‐ow‐ow!
Ow‐owwww!
What the [bleep]?
Don't mind me.
I'm just your neighbor.
Yeah, that doesn't
make it less creepy.
Mirren: Still,
this planet's creatures
are part of one
massive community.
Billions of diverse
individuals
who all reside
on a home called...Earth.
Monkey: Oh, is that
what it's called?
Gee, thanks, Helen.
What would we ever do
without you?
Mirren:
This planet vibrates
with the energy
of its creatures...
Ram: You guys feel
that vibrating, too?
...each of them contributing
their unique voices
to our shared experience.
Humans and animals
are connected
in ways both simple...
and mysterious.
♪♪
Now, open your heart...
and get to know your wild
neighbors when nature calls.
♪♪
In nature, one must be
ever prepared,
as peril lurks
around every corner.
Hideous monstrosities
with menacing intentions,
creatures pouncing from above,
and a disorienting cacophony
of primal howls.
It's kind of like being
at a tailgate party
before a football game.
But even in the arduous realm
of the animals,
there are those
who will step forward
to lend a hand,
as we see with these
capuchin monkeys
in the treetops of Costa Rica.
Scott: [ Groaning ]
Monkey: Oh, my God,
is he going to die?
Monkey #2: I'm doing
everything I can, miss.
He might be
going into shock.
God, I'm so
sorry, Scott.
If I knew you were
allergic to bees,
I never would have suggested
a hike for our second date.
I may not have...
much time.
Can you do
something for me?
Anything.
I need you to log into
my work computer
and make a change
to my life insurance policy.
Sure, yes, okay. I‐I'll log in
to your work computer.
The password is
"ShawnMendes" ‐‐ no space.
Wait, Shawn Mendes ‐‐
like, the singer?
That's right.
Now, on my desktop,
you'll see a file named ‐‐
Wait, why is your
password "ShawnMendes"?
I just needed
something random.
Now, on my desktop ‐‐
I gotta agree
with her.
"ShawnMendes"
isn't a random password.
If anything,
it's incredibly specific.
Can we just focus
on me not dying?
Of course. But can I ask
just one more question?
What?
Are you a huge fan
of Shawn Mendes?
I was wondering
the exact same thing.
No, I'm just
an average male
in his mid‐30s
dying of a bee sting.
I'm not secretly
some huge Shawn Mendes fan.
Okay. Uh, I log in.
Then what?
So, my life insurance policy
is in a folder on my desktop
labeled "There's Nothing
Holdin' Me Back."
A‐Are you
[bleep] kidding me?
Oh, come on!
What's the big deal?!
Dude, relax.
Everything is fine.
Oh, thank God.
So I'm not gonna die?
No, I meant, it's fine
that you're a huge
Shawn Mendes fan.
You're still gonna die
of this bee sting.
[ Sighs ] Then, can you
please tell someone
who's very important to me
that I love them very much?
Let me guess ‐‐
Shawn Mendes.
No.
Yes.
Ma'am, I'm sorry.
I have terrible news.
Your boyfriend ‐‐
Ah, he's more of
an acquaintance.
Oh. Oh, well,
he just passed away.
Oh, that's terrible.
Do you remember who he wanted
me to get a message to?
I'm afraid
the name escapes me.
Was it...Ed Sheeran?
Yes! That was it.
That guy. Mm‐hmm.
♪♪
Announcer: And now, untamed,
unvarnished, unsolicited.
These are
"Unpopular Wolf Opinions."
Wolf:
I'm genuinely happy
for everyone I follow
on social media,
especially when great things
happen to them,
or they travel
to cool places.
I really like seeing it.
Announcer: This has been
"Unpopular Wolf Opinions."
♪♪
Mirren: Life in the wild
is a study in contrasts ‐‐
the collision between
opposing forces.
The graceful gazelle must evade
the hungry cheetah.
Seals must learn to co‐exist
alongside relentless orca.
And monkeys ‐‐
[ Scoffs ]
Well, they seem
particularly confused by rocks.
Look at these dummies.
I mean, somebody get these guys
an instruction manual
for rocks or something.
[ Laughs ] Yeesh.
But what happens
when an animal is faced
with opposition
from its own species?
We shall see with this ant,
deep in the forests
of New Zealand.
♪♪
Announcer:
Frozen since the stone age
and thawed out in modern times,
it's "Cave‐Ant!"
[ Indistinct chatter ]
Cave‐Ant: Where am I?
No ‐‐ when am I?
[ Indistinct chatter ]
Hello? Excuse me!
Ant: Yeah, buddy.
What's up?
Salutations, future bug.
I am an ant from
thousands of years ago.
When I was frozen
in this ice,
ants were but
a primitive civilization,
carrying tiny blades
of grass to and fro
with our bare hands.
We still do that.
Really? So ‐‐
Okay, so, not even,
like, wagons?
Okay. Um, okay.
In my time, eons ago,
ants had not yet dreamed
of personal home ownership
or even invented
the condominium!
It may shock you to hear
that we all once lived
underground together
with our mom, and ‐‐
Yeah. Colonies, bro.
Still do that, too.
Well, what the hell
have you guys been doing
for a thousand years?!
Is anything new?
I don't know.
Um, did you guys
have Facebook?
What is Facebook?
It's like a giant room
where racists and advertisers
scream to get your attention.
Also, there's Twitter.
Okay, and what's Twitter?
Same thing, but worse.
Wow. Okay, Got it.
So, I'm just gonna
re‐freeze myself
for another thousand years.
Just defrost me
when there's flying cars.
Good night!
♪♪
Announcer: "Cave‐Ant!"
♪♪
Announcer: [ German accent ]
If you are a snake
or perhaps a lizard
without limbs
looking for a fun night out,
then look no further
than Europe's hottest club ‐‐
Das Snake Pit.
Located under a rock somewhere
between Deustchland und Denmark,
this one‐of‐a‐kind venue
is roughly the size
of a shoe box,
making it the perfect place
to tangle up tight
und have a good time.
Snake: [ German accent ]
Excuse me. Pardon me.
Thank you. Sven!
Sven:
[ German accent ] Yah?
This is crazy!
I cannot make
heads or tails!
[ Laughs ]
Yah, good one.
No, really.
Is this you?
Snake #2: Perhaps.
Tell me if you feel this.
[ Chomps ]
Ow! Who bit me?!
Nein, I felt nothing.
Announcer: Nein cover charge,
nein drink minimums,
nein sunlight.
With drink specials
all night long,
like venom shooters
for just 18 euros.
Und special appearances
from some of the hottest DJs
in the world,
including DJ Snake...
Snake #3: Ooh, yah!
...Steve Snake‐Oki...
Oh, yah!
...Tiesssssssssto...
I love it!
...und next weekend,
a special appearance
from every snake's
favorite DJ ‐‐ deadmau5!
We're going crazy!
So, slither and writhe on down
to a night club
that's any other animal's
worst nightmare
und a shnake's
dream come true!
Das Snake Pit.
We'll be waiting for you!
♪♪
Mirren: Our animal friends
possess a wealth
of natural defense techniques.
To ward off threats,
the skunk will release
foul odors,
the baboon will flash
its fearsome teeth...
[ Baboon screeches ]
...and this llama
will exhaust a predator
by talking endlessly about
its intermittent‐fasting
and bone‐broth diet.
And in the scrub brush
of Madagascar,
the crafty ring‐tailed lemur
has its own approach
to personal security.
♪♪
Announcer: Bird‐glars.
Bird: Anybody home?
Announcer:
Iguana intruders.
[ Gun cocks ]
Iguana: Everybody down!
Announcer:
Trespassing tarsiers.
Tarsier:
How about you leave?
Common tree thieves.
[ Object shatters ]
Monkey: Help!
He's getting away!
They can strike at any time,
so when they do,
make sure you're prepared
with RIM.
♪♪
RIM is a revolutionary
home security system
that's wiping away crime
for good.
To activate the system,
use our patented rectal scanner,
which will only grant
access to your anus
and your anus alone.
[ System chimes ]
If someone without access
attempts to gain entry,
they'll be rejected
immediately.
[ Alarm blaring ]
[ Electricity zaps ]
Lemur: Ow!
This thing
burned my rectum!
Announcer: Once activated,
the system sends a signal
up a long pole,
alerting two highly trained
security guards
to be on the lookout
for any suspicious activity.
Lemur: [ Munching ]
Have you guys thought
about couples counseling?
Lemur #2: I mean,
I'd be open to it,
but I don't know
if Janine would.
Lemur #3: Help!
I'm being robbed!
Oh [bleep]
Oh [bleep]
Go, go, go, go, go, go!
I'm going
as fast as I can!
I can see them!
They're getting away!
Why the [bleep]
is this tree so tall?!
Forget it.
They're gone.
Announcer:
RIM Home Security ‐‐
We've got your ass covered.
♪♪
Announcer: You didn't ask,
and he doesn't care.
These are
"Unpopular Wolf Opinions."
Wolf: Personally,
I think the
"Sex & the City" reboot
will be better
without Samantha.
Yeah. I said it.
Still a Kim Cattrall
fan, though!
Announcer: This has been
"Unpopular Wolf Opinions."
♪♪
Mirren: In the animal kingdom,
familial structure
is as indelible as it is
in human society ‐‐
perhaps even more so.
I mean, for example,
did you know
that the number
of capuchin monkey marriages
that end in divorce is only 24%?
And that's true, because
I read it in some magazine
in my dentist's office,
incidentally.
Within the animal kingdom,
this commitment to family
is truly inspiring...
but not without
its tribulations ‐‐
as evidenced by a clan
of chinstrap penguins
on the rocks of
the South Shetland Islands.
[ Indistinct shouting ]
♪♪
[ Baby crying ]
Penguin: You know what?
Next year, I'm going on vacation
by my own damn self.
Yeah, you deserve it.
Now, if I could only
find my family.
Oh, boy.
Scooter: Daddy!
I'm frickin' starving!
Yeah, hold on,
Scooter, sweetie.
I'm coming.
Where are you guys?
I'm over here.
By all the penguins.
Thanks. [ Chuckles ]
Very helpful.
Dad!
If I don't eat soon,
I'm gonna die!
You're not my wife,
you're not my wife,
you could be my wife
in a past life.
[ Baby crying ]
Oh, boy.
Dad!
Look, I said
I'm coming!
Does every freakin' penguin
in Antarctica
go to the same damn beach?!
[ Sighs ] I'm back.
Penguin #2: I sent you
to get food 45 minutes ago.
Where the hell
were you?!
Look, I got distracted
thinking about you guys
and, uh,
leaving you here
and swimming off to start
a new life in Hawaii.
What?!
It was joke.
Look, here's your food.
[ Gagging ]
[ Gargling ]
Where are the nachos?
I specifically asked
for nachos.
Linda, you know the prices are
ridiculous here, okay?
All right, fine,
I'll be right back ‐‐
in about an hour
and a half!
I'm gonna walk through the
depths of hell for nachos.
Why the hell does my species
have to mate for life?
♪♪
Mirren: We leave the craggy
coasts of the Norwegian Sea
to see how the search
for sustenance
can drive animals into deeper,
stranger territory.
The yellow‐bellied sapsucker
must contend not only with
harsh climate and predators,
but with its own
persnickety species
in the dense
North American woodlands.
Announcer: Hungry
for a late‐night bite?
Stop by the Burger Hollow
and have it our way!
Bird: What the [bleep]
do you want?
The Burger Hollow
is always open
with the service you deserve
for ordering this garbage
at 2:00 in the morning.
Fries? Who the [bleep]
told you we had fries?
Our employees asked to be paid
above minimum wage,
so we told them
to go to hell,
and we pass the savings
on to you!
Hi, I don't have
health insurance.
Can I take your
[bleep] order?
Bird #2: One veggie
burger, please.
Do you want a little bit
of spit on that, or a lot?
Um...none?
All right, that's it ‐‐
I've had it.
Oh, not the face!
[ Gagging ]
Crazy ‐‐
[ Both gagging ]
The Burger Hollow.
You don't want to come here,
and we don't want to serve you.
Soft serve machine's
broken,
and we're all
going on break.
So, please,
go [bleep] yourself.
♪♪
Mirren: Animals exist
at the mercy of the elements.
They must endure
extreme temperatures
and inclement weather,
and very few of them
ever carry an umbrella.
[ Thunder rumbles ]
These environmental variations
can be harsh,
which begs the question ‐‐
why don't they all just move
to Southern California?
I mean, it's pretty
great here.
And I've got a spare futon
for any of them
who need to crash.
Just saying.
In wild realms,
climate can shift unexpectedly,
leading to
unfamiliar challenges ‐‐
as it does for
the Cape penguins of Namibia.
♪♪
Penguin: [ Grunting ]
Lizard Larry:
Yeah, that's right.
It's supposed to hurt!
It does!
Lizard Larry: Good! This is
"Lizard Larry's Boot Camp,"
and I'm Lizard Larry.
You want that lean, sexy,
dangerously dehydrated
lizard bod?
You gotta earn it!
I've been whipping chonky,
blubbery penguins
into shape since '96,
and my techniques get results!
Penguin #2: I don't think
our bodies are meant for this.
You know what's under
all that blubber?
Penguin: [ Groans ]
More blubber?
A six‐pack, stupid!
I've been giving sloppy penguins
D'Angelo abs since '94.
Don't get mad ‐‐ get results!
[ Echoing ] Let's go!
Penguin #3: I'm in pain!
Penguin #4: Ugh. Oh, my leg.
[ All groaning ]
Penguin #5: I'm starting
to see things.
Lizard Larry:
Well, hallucination is weakness
leaving the body.
WebMD says
it's extreme dehydration.
Yeah, but nobody wants
to have sex with WebMD.
Penguin: I think
we're gonna die.
I don't care
if you're covered in fur
and live in cold ‐‐
That's exactly
our situation!
You want to be
fat and alive
or dead and chiseled?
Fat and alive!
Fat and alive!
We want to be alive!
Why is it
only those two?
Lizard Larry: I said
[Echoing] dead and chiseled!
♪♪
♪♪
Announcer: Yes,
we're still doing this.
Time for another of our
"Unpopular Wolf Opinions."
Wolf: Tom Hanks sucks.
My favorite member
of the Hanks family is Chet.
It goes Chet, then Colin,
and Tom is a distant third.
And I'm off.
Announcer: This has been
"Unpopular Wolf Opinions."
♪♪
Mirren: Creatures in the wild
must utilize any means necessary
to triumph over their foes.
Ant: [ Screams ]
And most animals have long since
discovered that their mouth
holds the most powerful weapons
in their arsenal.
The alligator uses
its long rows of sharp teeth
to seize and hold prey,
while the lion brandishes
its keen‐edged carnassial teeth
to sever their spoils.
[ Lion roars ]
And this walrus
will just bite a dude
and then finish them off
with a shoulder‐mounted
rocket launcher.
Let us now travel to
the jungles of Southeast Asia,
where a long‐tailed macaque
is getting quite a lesson
to chew upon.
♪♪
Dr. Simian: Hello, kids.
My name is Dr. Simian, DDS,
and that's the tea.
Ha‐ha‐ha‐ha.
Now that I've successfully
got your attention,
I'd like to talk to you about
the importance of flossing.
No, I am not talking about
the super‐cool dance craze.
I am speaking, of course,
of flossing your teeth.
But just like the dance craze,
all the kids are doing it.
Check out this little pro.
He's the coolest kid
in his class.
But you know what?
He still flosses.
Isn't that right, Randall?
Randall:
That's right, Doc!
Boy, flossing
sure is Gucci!
That's right ‐‐
flossing is Gucci.
Randall flosses every day
because he knows the many
dangers that could befall him
were he to skip
his daily floss.
And no, I'm not talking about
getting canceled.
Ha‐ha‐ha.
I'm speaking of
dangers like...
So, don't be basic.
Ha‐ha‐ha.
Be like
the coolest kids I know
and floss, floss, floss.
Thank you all
for watching my video,
and thank you
to my nephew, Randall,
for helping me
punch up the script
with all those
super funny jokes.
Randall: Say "like and
subscribe," then laugh.
Huh?
Say "like and
subscribe," then laugh!
Say like and subscribe
and then laugh.
I said, say "like and
subscribe," then laugh!
[ Beep ]
Oh. Like and subscribe.
Ha‐ha.
I don't get that.
It's a super
funny jo‐‐
♪♪
♪♪
Mirren: Our time
amongst the animals
now draws to a close.
We have seen so many
breathtaking wonders.
[ Wolf howling ]
The commanding wolf.
The spry and energetic lemur.
And birds in trees
ordering cheeseburgers.
But you know
what we haven't seen?
Adorable kittens playing
in cardboard boxes.
Jerry.
Jerry, show me those.
Jerry: Well, kittens aren't
really wild animals,
so why would we ‐‐
Jerry.
Less chat,
more kitten footage.
Here you go.
[ Sighs ]
[ Kittens mewing ]
Aww, there we go.
And now I'd like to see
a raccoon riding a jet ski.
Well, where
would we even find ‐‐
Jerry.
Let me look.
Join us again, friends,
to once again witness
the stunning variety
of sights and sounds
that burst forth...
when nature calls.
♪♪
Toby: [ Sighs ]
Penguin:
Hey, that's the guy
I was telling
you about ‐‐ Toby.
He's always so relaxed.
So chill.
Penguin #2: Wow, man.
I‐I wish I was like Toby.
Just hanging out,
taking a nap on a branch.
He's the chillest guy
I've ever seen.
So chill.
Super chill.
Someone please help me.
I'm stuck up here.
Did he say something?
I don't know.
We're too far away.
God, he must be having
the time of his life.
Not a care
in the world.
Someone help me,
please.
My legs are too short
to climb down.
I've been trapped up here
for a week!
I wonder
what he's saying.
Probably something about
how chill he is
and what a great time
he's having. [ Chuckles ]
Gosh, I'd love
to have that life.
How do you think
he got up there?
It was a hawk ‐‐
a massive hawk.
You wouldn't believe
the size of that thing.
I thought it was
gonna eat me,
but it just left me
here to die.
Oh, I wish it had eaten me.
You really can't hear me?
'Cause ‐‐ 'Cause I can
hear you.
You're killin' it, Toby!
Killin' it!
Don't change
a thing, man!
Ahh, Toby.
What a guy.
We can probably return
that ladder, right?
Yeah, I don't think
we'll need a ladder
for anything
anytime soon.
[ Sighs ] So, that's it.
This ‐‐ This is how
I'm gonna die.
♪♪
Mirren:
Glimpsed with fresh eyes,
Earth is a cornucopia
of overwhelming
sensual delights.
Miraculous.
Awe‐inspiring.
But so commonplace to us
that we now take
for granted this world
and its noble occupants.
Goose: Oh, look at another
breathtaking sunrise
to mark the dawn
of a new day.
‐Wow, yeah.
‐Oh, yeah.
Mirren: As humans,
we would do well
to remind ourselves
of this planet's endless beauty.
And that fresh perspective
is available to us
through our wild cousins ‐‐
the animals.
Chipmunk:
Did you know Snoop Dogg
and Brandy are cousins?
Mirren: These creatures
act as ambassadors.
They possess a primal connection
to the raw power of this world.
But animals are not
mere bystanders.
They are, in fact,
nature itself.
Deer: It's like
she's saying nothing
but sounds
really important doing it.
Deer #2:
It's the accent.
Mirren:
Prepare to see the world
as if discovering it
for the first time.
Our brethren in the wild
will lead the way...
when nature calls.
♪♪
♪♪
The creatures of the wild
are not known for their
discriminating palates.
I mean no disrespect
to our animal friends.
It's just that most of them
are just big ol' slobs.
Ugh!
I mean, at least pair that grub
you just dug out of your fur
with a nice glass of red wine.
I mean, that's what I drink
when I eat grubs.
But animals can
occasionally surprise us
with their finicky
food choices,
as we'll see with these
North American bighorn sheep.
Sheep:
Oh ‐‐ Oh, my Go‐‐
Who brought this nasty‐ass
hummus to the potluck?
Sheep #2: Hey,
I made that hummus!
You calling me
a bad dip‐maker?
Rrrrgh...ugh!
But I'm genuinely curious.
Was it too lemony?
Too garlicky?
Not smooth enough?
I'm trying to perfect it,
so I'm open to all suggestions.
Sheep: There's just
no "umph," you know?
Like, there's no kick
to it.
Sheep #2: Kick?
You know?
Like, a kick.
Ow! Hey!
You just kicked me!
Yeah, you feel that?
Now, imagine that,
but in flavor form.
The hummus starts off
all oily and creamy,
and then boom!
A kick at the end.
Ouch! Quit it!
Dude! Don't be
kicking me!
You kicked me first!
Right, but you're the one
who wanted culinary advice
to step up
your hummy game.
You know what?
I don't need
this energy in my life.
I'm going to the drink table to
pour myself some fruit punch.
I wouldn't do that.
Whoever made that punch
needs to get punched.
It's dirt‐dirt gross.
Hey, pal!
I made that punch!
[ Both grunt ]
But seriously,
what was wrong with it?
Too citrusy?
♪♪
Mirren: With their diverse
physiologies and habitats,
animals are afforded
unique views of this planet.
Howler monkeys
climb the highest trees
to keep watch for predators.
Mountain goats scale
great heights
to scout
fertile feeding ground.
While this poor mudskipper
can do nothing
but stare up at rhinoceros'
genitals all day long.
An animal's vantage point
is its own window to the world,
as we see with
the mighty bald eagle
in the skies above
the continental divide.
[ Wind rushing ]
For "WNC News,"
I'm Diane Bonobo.
And now, with a look at traffic,
let's go to our eye in the sky,
Jim Steegle the Traffic Eagle,
who is celebrating 35 years
with "WNC News."
Jim, how's it looking
up there?
Steegle: [ Over radio ]
Well, Diane, you are lucky
to be in the studio right now,
because it is a
bumper‐to‐bumper
parking lot of ants down there.
Bonobo: I'm sorry, ants?
Steegle: Yes.
From up here, I can clearly see
hundreds of tiny little dots,
none bigger than a penny.
Ants on ants, Diane,
and it is gridlock.
Bonobo:
Those are buffalo, Jim.
Steegle: No, Diane,
buffalo are huge animals.
The tiny specks below me
are clearly ants.
Bonobo: Jim, I'm guessing
you forgot to wear
your glasses today.
Steegle:
You don't need glasses when
you have experience, Diane.
35 years.
They gave me an award
at a luncheon.
Did you get a luncheon?
Bonobo: Wow.
So, they're just gonna
let you do this job
until you kill somebody.
Steegle: Yes, Diane.
It is a thrill
to still be somebody.
Bonobo: Great, now he needs
glasses and a hearing aid.
Steegle: [ Chuckles ]
My God.
I never realized
that ants have horns!
Bonobo: When we come back,
I'll see if Jim
has any family we can call.
♪♪
♪♪
[ Birds chirping ]
♪♪
Mirren: Romantic pairings
for any species
often end
in disappointment...
heartbreak...
or the gnawing realization
that this isn't even
the same person
from the photos
on their dating profile.
[ Flamingoes squawking ]
I mean, seriously ‐‐
how do these flamingos
even tell each other apart?
They should at least be
wearing nametags.
Yes, hooking up
has its challenges
in any habitat,
as we'll see in this dalliance
between two Fiordland penguins
in New Zealand.
♪♪
[ Mid‐tempo electronic
music plays ]
Penguin:
Don't worry, babe.
I just put on
some mood music.
Penguin #2: Oh, yeah.
I love this song.
This new streaming app
has an amazing library,
and it was totally free.
I don't care about that.
All I care about
right now is you.
[ Smooching ]
♪♪
When I hear this song...
I can't control
myself, babe.
[ Smooching continues ]
♪♪
Announcer: You're listening
to FreshMusic Free.
For an ad‐free experience,
sign up for a premium account
for only $42.99 a month.
Just ignore that voice.
Just you and me
and the music.
[ Upbeat music plays ]
Are you sick of staring
at your disgusting
varicose veins?
So are we.
Here at Vein Blasters,
we'll laser off
those barfy blue lines
and get your gams
gleaming again.
[ Scoffs ] Um...
You no longer need
to be embarrassed...
That's gross.
...by the web‐like,
blood‐engorged entrails
snaking down your legs
like withered branches...
Yeah, geez.
What a specific ad.
Do you want to stop?
...on a dying tree.
So say goodbye to those
nasty varicose veins...
No, no, no, no, no!
It'll be over soon.
...and say hello
to a gigantic pill
you have to take three times
in the middle of the night
every day for the rest
of your life.
Vein Blasters.
Available at the store.
[ Smooching ]
There we go.
Announcer #2:
Are you a penguin suffering
from restless leg syndrome
who also needs
to make a website?
Of course you are!
Oh, my God.
Um, how about we just watch
something sexy on TV?
Great idea.
I just signed up for a free
TV streaming app where ‐‐
...user friendly.
W‐Where are you going?
Announcer: If you like
an entire week of programming
solely dedicated to a single
thrilling, mysterious animal,
then you'll love Deer Week.
Seven days dedicated to nature's
perfect prancing machine.
We kick‐start the bad‐assery
with "Deer: Hunter."
Watch as ferocious
bucks and does
stalk and kill innocent leaves,
helpless tree bark ‐‐
even flowers.
Deer can smell
a single blade of grass
from up to a mile away,
and prairie shrubs
don't stand a chance
against the blunt incisors
and flat molars
of these voracious vegans.
Next, celebrate deer's balletic
talents on "Deadly Prance!"
Millions of years of evolution
have turned the deer
into an unstoppably
graceful dancer,
perfectly designed
for elegant leaps
and dainty bounds.
Then, it's time to talk mating
and get buck wild.
Antlers are a buck's way
of saying "I'm rich."
Each point on an antler
represents $1 million
in deer money.
Deer without money
can still snag desirable females
by being tall, funny,
or possessing a girthy
"bottom antler."
Watch Deer Week
to see nature's most menacing,
loping, button‐nosed
grazing machines
in all their glory.
And...
All on Deer Week.
Get some!
[ Stag rumbles ]
Announcer #2:
And all during Deer Week,
check out a special
sneak preview
of our new,
life‐changing series.
Beaky: I don't really know
how it got so bad.
I guess it was probably
all the seeds.
Seeds and nuts.
You know, we used to have
to forage for all that stuff,
but now people just have it
sitting out on their lawns.
Open buffet, all you can eat.
So I kept eating
and kept eating.
[ Tearfully ]
But I‐I'm ready for a change.
Announcer #2: Witness Beaky's
emotional journey
on a ground‐breaking
new series,
"My 600 oz. Life."
♪♪
Mirren: Water is one
of the essential components
of all life on Earth,
and its importance
cannot be overestimated.
Hippos submerge themselves
in water
to counteract the intense heat
of the jungle.
Amphibious animals
utilize ponds and streams
as shelter
from hungry carnivores.
And I believe some animals
actually drink water,
but I'm not 100% sure.
I mean ‐‐ I mean,
what do you want from me?
I'm an actor.
I'm not a zoologist.
But some creatures seek
hydration from other sources ‐‐
like these African elephants
in Tanzania.
♪♪
Announcer:
You're an elephant on the go.
Active. Vibrant. Powerful.
And to stay hydrated
in the sweltering heat,
you need
a high‐performance beverage
to keep up with your
fast‐paced lifestyle.
Distilled from the waters
of a jungle mudhole
into which
a multinational corporation
has been dumping unmarked
barrels for four decades.
One sip, and you'll be ready
to run like a cheetah.
You may even think
you're a cheetah.
We have no idea
what's in this [bleep]
We just call it...
And the more
SwampJuice you drink,
the more alive you feel.
Elephant:
Spray me down, baby!
I'm gonna trample a village!
Announcer: Just don't share it
with your lightweight friends.
Bird: I'm gonna peck my way
into your brain!
Elephant:
Calm down, Carl.
Get your fill
of the mysterious,
chemical‐waste‐packed
boost of...
Now in three
refreshing flavors ‐‐
Viscous, Fetid,
and Code Brown.
♪♪
Bonobo:
And now, I'm not sure why,
but let's check in again
with our "WNC News"
traffic reporter,
Jim Steegle the Traffic Eagle.
Steegle:
Fantastic news, Diane.
When we last spoke,
I said I saw
a huge traffic jam of ants,
and I'm happy to report
the situation now looks
much, much different.
Bonobo: Thank God.
For a second, I thought ‐‐
Steegle:
Things have cleared up,
and now there are
only three ants down there.
Bonobo:
Those are bears, Jim.
Steegle:
No, bears are massive
apex predators, Diane.
That is clearly
three tiny ants.
Bonobo: Jim, I thought you were
going to get Lasik surgery.
Those are three bears.
Steegle: Oh, really?
I‐Is Goldilocks
down there, too?
Let's send her
a bowl of porridge.
Bonobo: Jim, are you acquainted
with "relative perspective"?
Steegle:
Why? Did she say I was?
I mean, maybe I met her
once at a party,
but whatever I said,
it was meant as a compliment ‐‐
and also, I didn't say it.
Bonobo: That's Jim Steegle,
Traffic Eagle, everyone ‐‐
our highest‐paid employee.
We'll be right back
after I scream into a pillow.
♪♪
♪♪
Mirren: Animals have
varying responses
to unexpected confrontations
in the wild.
Caught off‐guard,
birds will fan out their plumage
to appear more threatening...
while the chameleon attempts
to avoid conflict
through subterfuge.
And the zebra will press
a button behind its ear
to trigger the whirling metal
blades hidden inside its hooves.
[ Laughs ] Not.
But along the steppes
of Patagonia,
this llama has its own unique
way of handling the unforeseen.
♪♪
Llama: I can't wait
to surprise my darling!
After all this time.
Here I come, darling!
Wait, what's going ‐‐
Darling?
Llama #2: Darling!
You're back from the war.
That's so great.
Yeah, I'm back from ‐‐
Hey, so,
what's happening?
What?
What's happening?
What?
What?
What? Huh?
You're ‐‐ The ‐‐
The guy!
Who ‐‐ Who's the guy?
Ohh, the guy!
The guy on top of me
right now.
Yes, of course.
This is Glenn.
Glenn: Hey, man.
Yeah, hi.
S‐So, are y‐‐
Are you two ‐‐
Are we...?
Oh! Oh my God.
Of course not!
No, whatever you think
is happening right now
is definitely
not happening.
[ Laughing ] Oh, phew!
Boy, I was gonna be
really peeved!
Hey, I'm gonna open
a bottle of celebratory
"home from the war"
champagne.
Glenn, you can join us!
That sounds great.
Let me just finish
having sex with your wife.
♪♪
Mirren: In the wild,
food options are
incredibly limited.
Most animals subsist
on simple diets
of whatever sustenance
is readily available.
Hmm. In that way,
I suppose they're not unlike
a drunk person
at 2:30 in the morning
microwaving a burrito
they purchased at a gas station.
♪♪
But occasionally,
our animal friends
do seek out a special meal,
as we see
with these water buffalo
in central Africa.
[ Classical music plays ]
Announcer: [ French accent ]
For the ultimate luxury
in watering hole dining,
there is only one name ‐‐
L'Abreuvoir.
From the moment you arrive,
our flock of waiters
cater to your every need.
Monsieur?
Monsieur?
Monsieur?
Monsieur?
Let our sommelier land
directly on your mouth
to recommend the perfect slurp.
Bird: This one,
monsieur.
With thousands
of tiny bird waiters
millimeters from your eyeballs,
L'Abreuvoir epitomizes
fine dining excellence.
Buffalo:
Get off my face!
Bird #2: Oui, monsieur!
Oui, monsieur!
Oui, monsieur!
Oui, monsieur!
Announcer: It is decadence.
It is opulence.
It is hundreds of tiny birdies
crawling inside your nostrils.
Buffalo #2: Kill me!
It is L'Abreuvoir.
Announcer #2:
Fully booked through 2027.
Bonobo: Welcome back
to "WNC News."
Before we check in
with Jim Steegle
the Traffic Eagle again,
I want to remind viewers
that Jim flies
at very high altitudes
and has been breathing thin air
for 30 years.
Steegle: Don't be
disrespectful, Diane.
35 years.
Bonobo: Marvelous.
How's the traffic, Jim?
Steegle: Looks pretty clear.
Just one elk.
Bonobo: That's ‐‐ Yes,
that's actually exactly correct.
Just one elk.
Steegle: Yes.
One impossibly small
micro‐elk.
Bonobo: Here we go.
Steegle: Now, from up here,
I can't tell how
the elk was miniaturized.
Could have been a ray gun
or, perhaps, just left
in the dryer too long.
And while the cause
of the shrinking is unknown,
one thing is certain ‐‐
that elk is three,
four inches tops.
So many questions remain
about the now ‐‐
Bonobo:
We're cutting Jim's mic now
because I think he's done.
And what a ride ‐‐
35 years on the job.
All the more impressive
considering the average
life‐span of an eagle
is about 20 years.
He's probably just gonna fly
out into the open ocean now.
Jim, it's been a pleasure.
[ Somber music plays ]
Jim: Wait, what the hell's
that say?
I died?!
And I have to find out about it
like this?!
Mirren: The natural world
bursts with sensory delights.
The shimmering brilliance
of a sun‐dappled shoreline...
[ Hippo trumpeting ]
...the resonant trumpet
of an imposing hippo...
and this penguin,
who I think kind of looks
like Robert De Niro.
[ As Robert De Niro ]
Hey, you talking to me?
I'm Robert De Niro,
except I'm a penguin now.
I'm walkin' here!
[ Normal voice ]
Yep [Chuckles] nailed it.
And there are some
sensual experiences
that go beyond the merely visual
or auditory,
as with this cheetah
in the southern Sahara Desert.
♪♪
Announcer:
Release your inhibition
with Primal Eau de Parfum.
Arouse your passion
with a scent inspired
by the essence of the wild.
Drench yourself in an aroma
that's just plain rank.
[ Whispers ] Rank.
Primal covers you
with the pungent notes
of a cheetah racing
through the Serengeti.
[ Whispers ] Pungent.
Magnolia, gardenia, vanilla ‐‐
no way.
Primal is musty, gamey,
and ferociously foul.
[ Whispers ] Smells like ass.
Just one spray
and your lover will say,
"What are you wearing?"
Then you'll say,
"It's my new perfume.
Do you like it?"
Then they'll say, "Is it
supposed to smell like that?"
And then you'll say, "Yes."
And they'll say, "Really? Wow."
Then there'll be
awkward silence.
[ Whispers ] Silence.
Primal Eau de Parfum,
the fragrance that truly reeks.
[ Whispers ]
I'm gonna be siiiick.
♪♪
Mirren:
From ocean to desert...
from pole to pole,
we have winged our way
across the breadth
of this amazing planet.
This one‐of‐a‐kind journey
causes one to muse upon one
of life's biggest questions ‐‐
can I convert
all this virtual travel
into frequent flyer miles?
Jerry, can you call
every airline
and find out if that's possible?
[ Click, music stops ]
Jerry: But I thought
we were wrapping up.
Tonight's my 20th
wedding anniversary.
And that's my problem how?
I'll get right on it.
Thank you, Jerry!
[ Music resumes ]
And thank you, dear viewer,
for joining us on another trek
to uncover the astonishing
wonders that can be revealed
when nature calls.
Monkey kid:
Pssst. Hey, guys.
Uncle Mark's asleep.
Monkey kid #2:
Whoa. Nice.
Should we ‐‐
D‐Do you think we should ‐‐
Look at his computer?
Monkey kid #3:
What? No way.
He said nobody's allowed
to look at his computer ever.
You guys.
He's asleep.
He'll never know.
Come on.
Let's look at his computer.
Shh! Quiet.
Don't wake him up.
Okay, I found it.
[ Clicking ]
Together: Ewwwwww!
He's writing comedy sketches
about talking animals.