When Nature Calls (2021–2022): Season 1, Episode 6 - Nature's Justice - full transcript
♪♪
Mirren:
What is it to be wild...
Ugh!
...to live
without restraint...
[ Bird calling ]
...and express oneself
with utter freedom?
Kangaroo:
Sorry, I'm confused.
Were those questions or titles
of Bruce Springsteen songs?
Mirren: Modern humans
yearn for the peace
that comes so easily
to our animal brethren,
these creatures who strive
for nothing more than to live.
Deer: Excuse me?
I'm also striving to launch
my own plant‐based hat line
for men.
Actually, if you want to get in
on the ground floor,
I could send you my Kickstarter.
Mirren: Perhaps the next step
in human evolution
will bring us closer in step
with our animal counterparts,
who embody a pure,
plainspoken dignity.
Monkey: I can't believe
"Bennifer" is a thing again!
Mirren: We humans, so proud
of our accomplishments,
still have so much to learn.
We simply must sit back
and listen to the wisdom
that flows...
when nature calls.
[ Animals chittering ]
Hippo #1: [ Sighs ] Nothing like
a dip in the lake on a hot day.
Henry: Aah! Oh!
Oh, my God! What was that?!
Hippo #2: What happened?!
Ew!
Something gross
just swam on my leg!
Ew! Ew! Help!
Hippo #3: Calm down, Henry.
It was probably just some algae.
Hippo #4: Yeah,
or a harmless fish.
Henry: A fish?!
Oh, yuck!
Ew, ew, ew!
Lakes are so gross!
Hippo #5:
Oh, you're fine.
Oh, I stepped in something
mushy! What is mushy in here?!
Hippo #3: It's mud, Henry.
Relax.
Henry: Okay.
Okay, fine. Fine.
Just as long as no one is going
to the bathroom in here.
All: Well...
Oh, my God, you guys
are disgusting!
[ Flamingoes squawking ]
Mirren: At first glance,
life in the natural world
appears chaotic.
It is a frenetic realm
where anarchy reigns.
I mean, basically,
it's like Florida.
But if we peer closer,
we observe signs of order,
an attempt, even in the wild,
to maintain some semblance
of control
over a seemingly lawless domain.
[ Bird calling ]
Announcer: These owls prowl
the mean streets of the wild
and bring perps to justice...
[ Metal door slams,
siren wails ]
..."Nature's Justice."
[ Police radio chatter ]
Owl: Alright, Candy,
I'm responding to
a Missing Turtles report.
Mind opening your mouth
for me?
Candy: Mnh‐mnh.
Can't do that.
I'm only going to
ask this once.
Candy, is there a turtle
in your mouth right now?
[ Gulps ] Not anymore!
Damn it, Candy! That turtle
had a wife and kids!
I know that. I ate them first.
I'm not a monster.
[ Metal door slams,
siren wails ]
"Nature's Justice."
Candy, don't you try
to eat me now!
Candy!
♪♪
Mirren:
The natural world relies upon
the fascinating interplay
between disparate species.
You know,
I picture life on Earth
as like a‐a wacky sitcom,
and the animals are all
mismatched characters.
I mean, there's Jake, the
architect who's unlucky in love,
Chelsea, the dreamer who's
just moved to the big city,
[Chuckling] and, of course,
there's Mort and Eddie,
the good‐natured knuckleheads.
Get this ‐‐ and they all
pool their savings,
and they open a smoothie shop.
And I call the show
"The Last Straw."
[ Chuckles ]
Oh, yes, and I play their
nosy landlord, Mrs. Jenkins.
She's horrible.
[ Chuckles ]
Now, we travel to
the forests of Japan
to witness the dynamic between
a truly mismatched pair ‐‐
the macaque and sika deer.
[ Birds chirping ]
Sika Deer:
[ Chomping ]
Mmm.
I love this place.
Mmm!
It's my go‐to lunch place.
You know who introduced me
to this place?
Well, no,
I‐I shouldn't say.
[ Chomping ]
Someone famous,
but, mm, yeah, I shouldn't say.
Macaque: [ Sighs ]
Don't wanna be
a name‐dropper.
[ Chuckles ]
Real famous, though.
[ Sighs ] Who did you
have lunch with?
Bambi!
Had lunch with Bambi.
Yeah, he's a third or fourth
cousin of mine, actually.
[ Sighs ]
Asked him to lunch,
asked him if I could,
you know,
pick his brain.
Couldn't believe
he said yes.
Yeah, no,
me neither.
Great guy.
Great guy.
[ Sighs ]
Thing is,
everyone's always, "Oh, Bambi,
your parents, your parents.
We're so sorry
about your parents."
[ Sighs ]
But he's more than that,
you know?
He's more than just
his tragic backstory.
He's his own person.
[ Sighs ]
You know
he's into art dealing?
He's got
an incredible eye. Ah!
Oh, my God.
Where is the check?
And he still likes my Instagram
posts to this day.
[ Sighs ]
Yeah, yeah.
[ Chuckles, sighs ]
Great restaurant.
Reminds me of the one
I went to with Rudy.
[ Sighs ]
That's Rudolph.
The red‐nosed reindeer.
Oh, dear God!
[ Birds chirping ]
♪♪
For us humans, laughter
is a cathartic release,
a spontaneous celebration of
life's unexpected absurdities.
Me?
I like to watch YouTube clips
of people falling out of boats.
[ Laughs ]
But do animals
possess a sense of humor?
I mean, we know they have
very little fashion sense.
Um, hello?
Nice leopard print.
Who are you, Carmela Soprano?
Ugh!
But in a world
of constant danger,
our animal friends deserve
the pleasure of a good laugh,
like the ruffed grouse
in Northern Canada.
♪♪
Announcer: Welcome to Open Mic
Night at the Funny Forest.
Please give it up
for the hilarious
Jeff Bird!
[ Cheers and applause ]
Jeff Bird:
Hello, Mossy Forest Floor!
One of my favorite towns.
You look like a good crowd.
Alright! Some squirrels.
Yeah, I can see your nuts, sir.
[ Chuckles ] "Nuts,"
to the squirrel I said.
Some sticks. I think
I can see some bugs here!
Don't worry, bugs,
I'm not gonna eat you...
until after the show.
[ Laughs ]
[ Light laughter ]
Ah!
Are you a hummingbird?
‐Yes, you.
‐Yes.
I love hummingbirds.
Is it just me, or are
hummingbirds always flapping?
They're always like...
[ Speaking gibberish ]
"I got to go! I got to go!"
[ Speaking gibberish ]
It's like, why are you
flapping so hard?
You're in a rush?
But they're floating in place!
What is that about?
And don't even get me started
on the humming...
You know what they say
about those who can't sing?
They hum! Huh?
[ Animal coughs ]
Ugh!
[ Taps on microphone ]
Okay,
you're not into
the hummingbird material.
What else? What else is funny?
Let's see.
I tell ya, I know
they're predators,
but I kinda wish there were some
hyenas in the crowd tonight
because those [bleep]
will laugh at anything.
I'm dyin' up here.
♪♪
Caterpillar #1: So,
what do you want to turn into?
Caterpillar #2: You mean
after I meta‐mo‐fo‐fo‐size?
Yeah, that's not right. You mean
after the whole cocoon thing?
Yeah.
I guess turning into a butterfly
doesn't sound too bad.
You?
Eh.
I want to emerge from my cocoon
as a high‐powered lawyer.
You know, a tough New York City
gal who's cold at first
but has a heart of gold
once you get to know her.
Plus, I'd have a hot boyfriend,
a kick‐ass wardrobe,
and a branch
with a view of the park.
Whoa! Are you serious?
We can do that?
I thought it was pretty much
go into cocoon,
come out as butterfly.
Oh, girl, you need to
self‐actualize.
Think positively.
You can do
anything you want,
and I will fully support you
in that.
Wow. Okay.
Well, I guess I want to
be a high‐powered lawyer
with a nice apartment,
hot boyfriend,
and kick‐ass wardrobe.
But that's my metamorphosis.
You can't have it.
Well, I guess I'll see you
in court, then, bitch.
♪♪
Mirren:
Civility is not a quality
often associated with
our animal brethren,
probably because they're always
killing and eating each other.
Yet, in less perilous
interactions,
a certain decorum
can be expected.
But as we observe
on the forest floor of Quebec,
this is a social contract
both optimistic and fragile.
[ Bell rings ]
Karen: Uh...hello?!
Chipmunk:
I'm sorry, ma'am.
We closed 20 minutes ago.
I can't help you.
I would like to speak
to the manager.
Chipmunk #2:
I'm the manager. What seems
to be the problem, ma'am?
The problem is that
your employee
was extremely
rude to me.
Well, maybe if you weren't
such an entitled jerk,
he wouldn't be.
I demand
to speak to the owner!
Chipmunk #3: I'm the owner.
What's the issue?
All your employees
have attitude problems.
Also,
why is everyone eating?
Well, technically, we're larder
hoarding for the winter.
I'm calling the police!
Uh, let me
get them for you.
Chipmunk #4:
Howdy. I'm Officer Nuts.
What's the problem, toots?
"Toots"?! I demand to speak
to your superior!
Chipmunk #5:
Lieutenant Nibbles here. You got
a tip about the homicide?
No, I just have a complaint
about a minimum‐wage employee
not changing the rules
just for me.
That serious, eh?
I gotta alert the FBI.
I don't think that
that's ‐‐
Chipmunk #6:
Agent Cheeks, ma'am. FBI.
If you were made to feel even
slightly uncomfortable,
I'm afraid it's an issue
of national security,
and I need to alert
the President.
President of...?
Chipmunk #7: As President,
there's only so much I can do,
checks and balances
and what have you,
you know, but there is someone
who can.
Thank you,
Mr. President.
Chipmunk #8: I am God,
creator of all things,
infallible judge
of the universe,
and I decree that you,
Karen Becky, suuuuuck!
I'd like to speak
to your manager!
Chipmunk #9:
I'm the manager. What seems
to be the problem, ma'am?
Aah!
The animal kingdom,
like our human world,
is home to
countless performers,
from the showy peacock...
to the understated charisma
of the llama...
and this chimpanzee,
who is currently
starring as Willy Loman
in an off‐Broadway production
of "Death of a Salesman."
I saw it during previews,
and his performance is electric,
especially the part where
he starts throwing his feces.
Fantastic!
Don't sit in the front row,
though.
The need to perform can be found
in every species,
even with the dragonfly
of Botswana.
Director: Okay, folks, let's
get ready to roll on this scene.
Dragonfly Villain's
menacing exit, take 1.
[ Claps ] And action!
Trent:
See you later, alligator.
[ Buzzes ]
Cut!
[ Beep ]
[ Sighs ] Let's stick with
the script today, okay, Trent?
I was ad‐libbing.
Impressive, right?
You're playing a humorless
killing machine.
You want to go
a different direction?
Full 180, yeah.
The character is very serious.
Serious. Got it.
Got it.
[ Beep ]
Ta‐ta, milady.
For England!
Ugh! Cut!
He's not British.
Please, let's just say the line
as it's written in the script.
How is it written
in the script?
Did you not
read the script?
Is that the paper
with the foods?
That's the lunch menu.
Ah, okay, because I was gonna
say, "Chicken Marsala"?
This is a weird movie.
Okay, can we just
get him the script?
And let's try again
one last time ‐‐
Menacing Villain's
final exit, okay?
And action!
[ Claps ]
I'll see you...
in hell.
Chicken Marsala!
Cut!
[ Beep ]
[ Wind whistling ]
♪♪
In order to survive
in the wild,
animals must be
singularly focused.
They are rarely
afforded the opportunity
to weigh their options.
I mean, honestly, when was
the last time you saw a lion
consulting a menu?
Believe me, I've watched
hours of this footage,
and it hardly ever happens.
And perhaps this narrow
world view is a blessing,
as choice often leads
to indecision and doubt,
as we see with this
Japanese black bear
on the island of Honshu.
[ Birds chirping ]
Teenager #1: Dad,
are you gonna keep sitting here
looking at the ocean?
Bear: Yes.
Yes, I'm gonna keep sitting here
looking at the ocean.
Teenager #2:
Is it because Mom said
you were never a good athlete?
No.
Is it because I said Kyle's dad
is funnier than you?
No.
Is it because I said
this vacation you took us on
is stupid
and I wish I had
a different dad?
I just like looking
at the ocean.
Lame.
I'm gonna go
get pregnant.
♪♪
[ Static crackles ]
Announcer: If you're a criminal
in the wild,
then your time is
about to run out.
We return to...
[ Metal door slams,
siren wails ]
..."Nature's Justice."
[ Siren wails,
police radio chatter ]
Owl: What's the problem?
Trisha: My ex‐husband showed up
outside our den.
Now we can't
get any sleep.
Rick: [ Slurring ]
Talk to me, Trisha!
Just talk to me!
[ Sobbing ]
Drew: Ugh! It's the middle
of the night, Rick!
Look, he's not dangerous,
alright?
He's just really loud
when he cries.
And we have work
in the morning.
[Bleep] Drew!
You're a horrible best man!
[ Sobbing ]
Drew and I
kinda fell in love
right after
me and Rick's wedding.
Yeah, well, when you know,
you know, right?
Trisha! It's okay,
I forgive you!
I wrote you a song!
♪ Trisha, I love you ♪
♪ Let's get back together,
Trisha ♪
♪ I'm so lonely ♪
[ Sobbing ]
[ Sniffles ]
Owl: Sir, you need to
vacate the premises.
Fine! I'll go!
I gotta lay this track down
at home before I forget it.
♪ Trisha ♪
[ Metal door slams,
siren wails ]
Announcer: "Nature's Justice."
[ Police radio chatter,
static crackles ]
♪♪
♪♪
Squirrel #1:
Charley, if you want
pearly white teeth like mine,
you gotta floss
after every meal.
Charley: I hear you, I hear you.
Floss three times a day.
Got it!
Wait a second.
Did you just rub toothpaste
on your face?
You do know that's just
for your teeth, right?
Oh, no, it's a 5‐in‐1.
A 5‐in‐1?
Yeah, it's a toothpaste,
body wash,
shampoo,
leave‐in‐conditioner.
That was four things.
What's the fifth thing?
[ Chuckling ]
Oh, whoops, my bad.
It's also
a hemorrhoid cream.
♪♪
Mirren:
Across millennia of evolution,
animal species have grown
perfectly adapted
to their native habitats.
The long‐horned beetle thrives
amid the dark, humid forests
of Asia,
the polar bear endures in
the frozen tundra of the Arctic,
and these two colobus monkeys
live in a charming two‐bedroom
mid‐century modern‐style house
with an open floor plan.
♪♪
Habitat is crucially important
for any animal's chances
of survival,
as we witness with
the North American porcupine.
♪♪
Announcer:
This summer, prepare for
a new kind of survival show ‐‐
wild terrains, harsh landscapes,
impossible situations.
Bear Quills: Oh, hi there.
Actually, this situation,
me climbing a tree,
is pretty standard stuff.
I am a porcupine.
[ Chuckles ]
Announcer:
Rugged adventurer Bear Quills
will brave the elements...
Bear Quills: Ah, appreciate the
kind words, Mr. Voice‐Over Guy,
but I'm pretty well‐suited
to this environment.
Announcer: Hey, buddy?
I pitched this show
to the network
as a gritty, life‐or‐death
survival series, so...
Bear Quills: I‐I don't want
to undermine the drama
of the show you're selling,
but I do this every day.
Announcer:
Ah‐ba‐ba‐dah‐dah‐ba‐ba.
Hey, look. Alright, look.
On a personal level,
I need this.
I bought a second house ‐‐
my wife doesn't know ‐‐
my kids go to a very expensive
private school.
Can you do me a solid?
Just act like this crap
is really dramatic.
Bear Quills: [ Sighs ] Fine.
[ Monotone ]
Ooh, another harsh winter
for the ill‐prepared porcupine.
How will I ever survive?
I might die.
Oh, no.
Announcer: Yeah.
Yeah, that's the stuff.
[ Clears throat ]
"Wild Vs. Wild."
This summer on the Wild Network,
Thursdays after an all‐new...
[ Metal door slams,
siren wails ]
..."Nature's Justice."
Announcer:
If crime is a disease,
these guys are
the all‐natural cure.
Let's get back to...
[ Metal door slams,
siren wails ]
..."Nature's Justice."
[ Siren wails,
police radio chatter ]
Owl:
Everything alright, sir?
Bird: Uh, I need help!
I think I OD'd
and now I'm dead.
Man, I don't know.
What did you take, sir?
Well, I made some crackers
and put, uh...
[whispering]
marijuana in them.
Shh! Don't take me
to jail, man.
Please don't take me to jail!
I teach seventh‐grade civics!
Cannabis is legal here now,
buddy.
Aw, man, I'm a ghost!
I'm dead!
Man, my mom was right about
the devil's lettuce, man!
How much did you eat?
How much what?
What's with the questions?!
I can't feel my feathers.
Oh [bleep]
Wait. Whoa, alright.
If owls sleep during the day,
does that mean
that, to you,
the day is your night
and the night
is your day?
Holy [bleep]
that's crazy, man!
[ Metal door slams,
siren wails ]
"Nature's Justice."
Oh, man, now I'm hearing
a wailing siren sound
and a disembodied voice.
Oh, I'm freakin' out!
♪♪
Mirren: The creatures
of the animal kingdom
are known for
their astonishing dexterity.
Our wild cousins
are natural athletes ‐‐
the nimble deer,
the agile chimpanzee,
and ‐‐ and this drooling moose,
who's actually really good
at Frisbee golf.
We just don't have
any footage of it.
But every so often,
an animal charms us,
not with athleticism,
but with their own
relatable foibles.
We bid them goodbye for now
but look forward to
greeting them again,
perhaps with a clumsy attempt
at a high‐five...
when nature calls.
Barista:
Okay, the iced coffee
was four kernels of corn,
and you gave me five,
so here is your change ‐‐
one kernel.
Uh, ooh!
Customer:
Oop, sorry about that!
Guess my beak is
a little slippery today.
[ Chuckling ]
I'm such a klutz.
No worries, I got it.
Here is your change. Your
iced coffee will be right up.
Oh!
Oh, gosh.
I just cannot hold onto it.
Geez, why am I
so clumsy today?
No worries, really. I‐I think
that one was my fault.
No, no, no, it's me.
Uh, it's both of us.
Let's try again.
Here is your change.
Just gra‐‐
Oh! Whoops!
Wow. You know,
it's just been so long
since I've been back inside
a coffee shop, you know?
Quarantine brain.
I'm just really struggling
with basic social interactions,
I guess.
Aren't we all?
I keep forgetting to put on
shoes when I leave the house.
Ha! Yeah, you get it. Alright,
here, let's try this again.
Yeah, so, uh, th‐there is
a line forming.
Okay, here's your one kernel
of corn.
You know what?
You can just keep the change.
You put it in the tip jar.
Thank you!
And have a good day.
I love you, too.
I mean, bye?
[Bleep] I am all over
the place today.
♪♪
Mirren: The law of the jungle
is brutal in its simplicity ‐‐
kill or be killed.
Mouse #1: What the hell
is she talking about?
Mouse #2: Um, Helen,
I think our ecosystem's
a little more complicated
than just kill
or be kil‐‐
[ Snake hisses ]
Snake! Snake, snake!
Snake!
Go, go, go!
Run for your life!
Go, go, go!
Snake! Oh, my God!
In the animal world,
this law makes for
clear‐cut roles and identities.
You are either the predator...
or the prey.
Toucan: Nuh‐uh.
I am not binary.
You cannot stick me into a box.
And I ‐‐ Uh.
Oh. Oh, damn.
I look good today, though.
Mm‐hmm!
Mirren: Across this planet,
the balance
between life and death
informs every creature's path
and underscores how
all of them must live,
simply and purely
and only in the present moment.
Seal #1:
Blech! I can't focus on [bleep]
I am bloated as [bleep] today.
Seal #2: Girl,
tell me about it.
For now, all we can do
is find a safe space
and watch in wonder as this
unpredictable majesty unfolds...
when nature calls.
[ Thunder rumbles ]
Life on Earth
is marked by conflict,
powerful forces colliding,
each refusing to yield ‐‐
ragged coastlines that sustain
decades of battering waves,
valiant desert creatures who
flourish in the punishing sun,
and this chipmunk
who just found out
he got passed over
for a promotion at work,
and yet, he still
holds his head up high.
This tenacity to endure conflict
imbues all forms of life,
as seen in a clash
between two horned owls
on the Patagonian Steppe.
[ Wind whistling ]
Owl #1: [ Gravelly voice ]
The time for talk is done.
Owl #2:
Again, I'm sorry I dinged your
car door with my shopping cart.
I'm willing to pay
for the damages.
August 17th, 3:14 p. m.
Why are you giving me
the date and time?
Because I never
want you to forget
the worst day
of your life,
the day you crossed paths
with...
[ Thunder crashes ]
...The Pit Fighter.
[ Man screams ]
What the hell is
a pit fighter?
Ohhhh,
I'm gonna show ya.
But first, might wanna make
some funeral arrangements...
for yourself.
Because you just
messed with...
[ Thunder crashes ]
...a pit fighter.
[ Man screams ]
First step to being
a pit fighter
is digging the pit.
[ Both grunting ]
[ Coughing ]
So,
you're digging a hole?
Holes are for
planting flowers.
Pits are for
burying your ass.
I don't understand
what's ‐‐ what's happening.
I dig a pit.
We get in the pit.
Then you face
the fury of...
[ Thunder crashes ]
...The Pit Fighter!
[ Man screams ]
So, how long
is this gonna take?
Average pit takes about
45 minutes to an hour.
But I'm making this
extra deep, just for you.
'Kay.
I'm gonna go run some errands.
I'll swing back
in two hours?
Two hours is good ‐‐ that'll
give me enough time to dig,
get my second wind
from all the digging,
and then you will finally
do battle with...
Let me guess ‐‐
Pit Fighter.
No. You did it wrong.
It's...
[ Thunder crashes ]
...Pit Fighter!
[ Man screams ]
♪♪
Several animal species
actually mate for life ‐‐
the gibbon,
the macaroni penguin,
and the bald eagle.
Yeah, I bet he had
a full head of feathers
when you married him.
Sorry, girl.
[ Chuckles ]
And although animals pair up
for vastly different reasons
than humans,
there is much we can learn
from the longevity
of their partnerships,
as we shall see with
this pair of clownfish
in the Great Barrier Reef.
Wife fish: So nice
we could have a date night.
Husband fish: Uh‐huh.
So, Katie scored two goals
at practice today.
Mmm. Mm‐hmm.
The contractor says
the kitchen remodel
will take another
three weeks.
Mm‐hmm. Mmm.
You're not even listening
to me, are you?
Mmm. Mm‐hmm. Oh!
So now's the time to tell you ‐‐
I slept with my trainer.
Mmm. Mm‐hmm.
You don't have anything
to say to any of that?
Sorry. Sorry. I was just really
enjoying this piece of coral.
Here's what I think ‐‐ Katie
is a tremendous soccer player.
We should keep encouraging her
but not push too hard.
On the kitchen remodel,
we're already one month in.
Another three weeks
won't kill us.
And as long as
you're not in love,
I forgive you, and I think we
should try couples' counseling.
Pass the salt, please?
[ Sighs ]
♪♪
From the depths
of the Coral Sea,
we travel to North America,
where a different social dynamic
is at play.
For the native species
in this rugged landscape,
close identification
with one's peer group,
just as in human society,
can cause ripples of tension
and self‐doubt.
Little moose:
Hey, I got a question.
What are we?
Big moose:
Well, Plato said ‐‐
No, no, I mean us.
You're a moose.
I'm a moose.
But when we're together,
what are we?
We're family.
No, I mean the name.
What are we called?
We're the Grabers!
No! When there's more
than one of us,
more than one moose,
what do you call it?
Well, if they're the Grabers,
you call it a party!
Hey‐oh!
What is the plural
of "moose"?
Mooses? Moos‐eye?
Just moose?
Oh, I see
what you're asking.
That's easy.
The plural of moose is "meese."
Goose, geese,
moose, meese.
We are meese.
Ohh!
Dibs on the water lilies!
♪♪
In the natural world,
fierce competition
is a vital component
in the game of life.
A wild animal must assert itself
to display dominance,
to secure a mate,
or just to grab
the last everything bagel
before my producer, Jerry,
gets to the breakroom.
Isn't that right, Jer‐Bear?
Jerry: I was gonna
let you have it, Dame Helen.
You didn't have to
bite my hand.
[ Chuckling ] Oh!
Oh, come on.
I didn't bite you that hard.
Competition is what divides
the predator from its quarry
and what separates this
wild world's participants
from the mere spectators,
as we see in these blue‐footed
boobies in southern Mexico.
Announcer: We return you now
to ABC's coverage
of the 145th annual
Championships at Wimbledon
for a spirited semis matchup
between Bjorn Bird
and John Quackenroe.
[ Racquets striking ball ]
John Quackenroe: Ugh!
Bjorn Bird: Ugh! Ooh!
[ Racquet strikes ball,
camera shutter clicks ]
Ugh!
Ahh!
[ Racquet strikes ball ]
[ Groans ]
[ Applause ]
♪♪
We will return with more
thrilling tennis action
after these messages.
♪♪
Tyler: [ Grunting ]
Dave: Okay, Tyler, buddy,
champ, we gotta get you ready.
First day of school.
I don't wanna
go to school!
I wanna stay here
with you and Mom!
Well, we talked about this,
and you know that ‐‐ you know ‐‐
And we're sliding.
We're sliding.
You know Mommy and Daddy
have to work.
I'm sure the neighbors
didn't see that.
Monkey #1: We did!
Monkey #2: Dave, you good?
First school drop‐off, huh?
Yeah, thanks for [clears throat]
thanks for noticing.
Whoa.
We are good.
Whoa. Whoa.
Me and the boy
had a super‐fun time...
Whoa. Whoa! Whoa!
...doing Zoom school,
but all good things
must come to an end.
Whoa!
Tyler, what are you
doing under there?
Whoa! Whoa!
I don't wanna
go to school!
I wanna stay here
with you and Mom!
[ Muffled voice ]
Dad, you're sitting on meeeeee!
Mnh.
Monkey #2:
Huh, close family.
♪♪
Mirren:
As we have just seen,
the bond between
parent and child is sacred,
even in the wild.
Here, the most fearsome predator
is reduced to a doting guardian
through the restorative power
of child‐rearing.
Except maybe for these ants.
I mean ‐‐ I mean, how can they
tell one kid from the other?
Kind of maddening, actually.
Oh, please. Put another cute
baby animal on immediately.
Oh! Oh, so sweet!
Oh, that's the stuff.
We journey now
to the coast of Chile
to see the parent‐child dynamic
at play
with these South American seals.
♪♪
♪♪
Announcer:
"Seal & Son" is filmed in front
of a live studio audience.
Son: Um, Dad?
Are you sure
this water is safe?
Dad? Dad?
Seal: Right here, Son!
[ Audience cheers and applauds ]
Sorry, just got done
taking a dump in the inlet.
Don't tell the EPA.
[ Laughter ]
I know you want me to
try out for the swim team,
but I think there's something
in the water.
Seal:
They're called "waves," Son.
Don't be rude.
Wave back.
[ Laughter ]
Son: No, it's something
big and scary in the water.
Seal:
Don't be silly, Son.
Your mother's still at home...
[ Laughter ]
...probably
burning the roast.
[ Laughter ]
No, Dad.
I think there's a bloodthirsty
ocean predator out there.
[ Audience ooohs ]
Oh, don't be dramatic,
kiddo.
Get out there and swim.
Dad, seriously, if you
turn around just slightly more
than you already are,
you will see it.
You know your old man
has a bum neck
from balancing beach balls
on his nose in the circus.
[ Laughter ]
I'll turn around later.
Dad! It's an orca!
Just turn around!
Son, I know the ocean
can be big and scary.
But a predator is just a friend
you haven't met yet.
[ Audience awws ]
Dad, I appreciate
the life lesson,
but I'm pretty sure
that was a killer whale!
Of course, Son.
Those things are everywhere.
I was in the water
yesterday,
and one of them almost
bit my dinghy in half!
[ Laughter ]
And, hey, even if you don't
make the swim team,
you've still got your old man's
seal of approval.
[ Laughter, applause ]
This has been "Seal & Son."
Now stay tuned to ABC
for an all‐new episode of...
"Rhinocer‐ish."
[ Rhinoceros grunts ]
♪♪
Mirren: Clearly, the mind of
a child is a wondrous thing,
full of insatiable curiosity,
precocious assumptions,
and endless questions.
Just [gasps] oh, my!
Ugh! So many questions.
Left to their own devices,
children will create entire
worlds within which to frolic.
And for our young
animal cousins,
the wild is their playground,
and they always seek
to bend the rules
of life's many games,
as with the guileless
black bear cub of North America.
♪♪
Okay, Keisha,
marry‐maul‐eat ‐‐
Pete Davidson, Tyler Perry,
or Morgan Freeman.
Go!
Hmm.
Well, I'd def marry Tyler Perry
because he's rich.
Duh!
Yeah, very true.
And then next I'd ‐‐
I'd eat Pete Davidson
because he literally
looks like
he tastes like
wild‐caught salmon.
Also very true.
So, I guess I gotta maul
poor Morgan Freeman.
[ Chuckles ] Eh,
he had a good run, you know?
Oh‐oh‐oh‐oh!
Whoa! Ooh! Ugh!
[ Laughing ]
Ohh, snap!
Hey, Devon, see what we get for
messing with Morgan Freeman?
Come on!
Just 'cause he played God
doesn't mean
that he is ‐‐
Man: [As Morgan Freeman]
Uh, I heard that.
[ Bears scream ]
I can't believe you chose
Pete Davidson over me. Mnh.
[ Whimpers ] Somehow I knew
that Pete Davidson
would someday lead
to my untimely death!
♪♪
Mirren:
We take leave of the black bear
cubs of the Pacific Northwest
to visit with some old friends
once again.
We observe here that, even when
an animal finds its tribe
and embraces its true nature,
there are still nagging
mysteries that abound,
like the existential confusion
we observe in another visit
with the noble denizens of
the North American woodlands.
[ Wind rushing ]
Moose #1: Hold up. You think
the plural of "moose" is what?!
Moose #2: Meese.
Goose, geese, moose, meese.
Makes sense to me.
I don't know.
I always thought
our plural is the same
as our singular, like fish.
More than one moose
are called "moosh"?
[ Chuckling ]
[ Stammering ]
My God, you're right!
We're moosh.
No, no. What? That's not at all
what I'm trying to say.
We are moooooosh!
Hold up. T‐That doesn't
sound right, either.
Wait ‐‐ mooshes.
We are mooshes!
♪♪
Bear: [ Grunting ]
Jeffrey: And how we doin'
over here, sir?
Oh, I see you're not enjoying
our signature salmon at all.
[ Laughs ]
[ Burps ]
I stand corrected.
Well, it's been a pleasure
serving you this evening.
Right now, my colleague Anthony
is gonna take over.
[ Burps ]
Anthony?
Anthony: Jeffrey,
I promise our friend here
is only
in slightly better hands.
Ah, you!
How we doin' over here,
sir?
Anthony: Can I get you
anything else?
I see our signature salmon
really isn't
hittin' the spot for ya tonight.
[ Chuckles ]
Bear: Can I just
get this to‐go, please?
I'd rather eat it behind
the dumpster in the parking lot.
[ Grunting, smacking lips ]
♪♪
Mirren: Even in a realm
as seemingly pure
and incorruptible as nature,
there exists an underbelly,
a shadow world
of danger and deceit.
Animals,
these glorious creatures,
also have a dark side.
[ Growls ]
Lions will turn on each other
when food runs scarce.
Beetles will battle to the death
to secure a mate.
And I have it on good authority
that this penguin runs
a reverse mortgage scam.
Yeah, I'm looking at you, buddy.
Still, there are those who try
to stay on the side
of justice and integrity,
like this tarsier in the jungles
of Southeast Asia.
Announcer: Welcome back to
"Jungle Mafia: Undercover."
Roberta Boon: Thank you for
sitting down to tell us about
your harrowing experiences
in the mob.
We are, of course,
concealing your identity
for your protection.
So, how did it all begin
for you?
[ Distorted voice ]
Mm, wow.
I think we've got all we need.
That's a wrap!
What a thrill.
This was actually
my first‐ever interview
as an investigative journalist.
Jimmy:
You did terrific.
I can't wait for
those murderous scum
to get what's
coming to 'em.
They are ‐‐ Hey!
Am I on camera right now?!
Why are the lights on?
Hey, hey, you can't do this!
You can't turn the lights on!
Yeah, it turns out the mob
pays better than PBS.
Sorry, buddy.
Announcer: This has been
"Jungle Mafia: Undercover."
♪♪
Mirren: The animal world,
as noble and unadorned
as it may often seem,
is, nevertheless, still a realm
ruled by outward appearances.
[ Flamingoes squawking ]
Nature is not unlike
high school.
The gorillas are the jocks,
the meerkats
are the theater nerds,
the tarantulas
are the goth kids,
and, you know, so on.
And since their looks
must attract a mate,
ward off enemies,
and, one would assume,
help them book commercial jobs,
appearances are vitally
important to animals.
Case in point ‐‐ the
fashion‐conscious hermit crab.
Debbie: Uh, I‐I don't
want to come out.
Mom crab: Sweetie,
it's such a beautiful dress.
I'm sure you look
just adorable.
Come out
of the dressing shell.
Okay. Here I come.
[ Chuckles nervously ]
You gotta come out
the whole way, honey.
Can't Becky just let
the bridesmaids
wear whatever we want?
Your sister
is very particular.
She's going for this whole
"beach" theme.
Kind of redundant,
since we're crabs.
But you know her ‐‐
a little basic.
Debbie, come on out.
Okay, okay,
here I am.
Ta‐da!
Oh, wow. Pumpkin,
that is...
Well, it's a little low‐cut,
isn't it?
Ugh, this is what people
wear now, Mom.
Sorry, sorry. I just like
the way you look in slacks.
Hmm. It is a little full
in the back.
I knew it!
My butt looks huge!
Ugh! My ass is dragging
all over this beach!
♪♪
Another illuminating glimpse
into the lives
of our animal friends
draws to a close.
But when will they
once more welcome us
into their mysterious homes?
And when they do, will they at
least do a little tidying up?
I mean, no offense,
but most of their homes
are really,
really disgusting.
I mean, look at that.
Where did you get
that couch, mate?
And what have you
been doing on it?
Ugh!
Anyway, join us again
for another breathtaking
adventure...
when nature calls.
♪♪
Owl #1:
There they are!
Owl #2: Yep,
right where we want them.
Alonzo: Where?
Where are they?
Ah, now I see them.
And they have no idea ‐‐
No, Alonzo, you're looking
the wrong way.
Straight ahead, 6:00.
What?
Oh, oh, oh!
Now I see them.
Alonzo, that's not them.
6:00.
Ohh, 6:00 a. m.
Now I got them.
Just look at these fools.
They have no id‐‐
No, Alonzo,
they're over here.
6:00.
Look over here!
Ohh! Ohh! 6:00 a. m.
Pacific time.
I got it!
Mirren:
What is it to be wild...
Ugh!
...to live
without restraint...
[ Bird calling ]
...and express oneself
with utter freedom?
Kangaroo:
Sorry, I'm confused.
Were those questions or titles
of Bruce Springsteen songs?
Mirren: Modern humans
yearn for the peace
that comes so easily
to our animal brethren,
these creatures who strive
for nothing more than to live.
Deer: Excuse me?
I'm also striving to launch
my own plant‐based hat line
for men.
Actually, if you want to get in
on the ground floor,
I could send you my Kickstarter.
Mirren: Perhaps the next step
in human evolution
will bring us closer in step
with our animal counterparts,
who embody a pure,
plainspoken dignity.
Monkey: I can't believe
"Bennifer" is a thing again!
Mirren: We humans, so proud
of our accomplishments,
still have so much to learn.
We simply must sit back
and listen to the wisdom
that flows...
when nature calls.
[ Animals chittering ]
Hippo #1: [ Sighs ] Nothing like
a dip in the lake on a hot day.
Henry: Aah! Oh!
Oh, my God! What was that?!
Hippo #2: What happened?!
Ew!
Something gross
just swam on my leg!
Ew! Ew! Help!
Hippo #3: Calm down, Henry.
It was probably just some algae.
Hippo #4: Yeah,
or a harmless fish.
Henry: A fish?!
Oh, yuck!
Ew, ew, ew!
Lakes are so gross!
Hippo #5:
Oh, you're fine.
Oh, I stepped in something
mushy! What is mushy in here?!
Hippo #3: It's mud, Henry.
Relax.
Henry: Okay.
Okay, fine. Fine.
Just as long as no one is going
to the bathroom in here.
All: Well...
Oh, my God, you guys
are disgusting!
[ Flamingoes squawking ]
Mirren: At first glance,
life in the natural world
appears chaotic.
It is a frenetic realm
where anarchy reigns.
I mean, basically,
it's like Florida.
But if we peer closer,
we observe signs of order,
an attempt, even in the wild,
to maintain some semblance
of control
over a seemingly lawless domain.
[ Bird calling ]
Announcer: These owls prowl
the mean streets of the wild
and bring perps to justice...
[ Metal door slams,
siren wails ]
..."Nature's Justice."
[ Police radio chatter ]
Owl: Alright, Candy,
I'm responding to
a Missing Turtles report.
Mind opening your mouth
for me?
Candy: Mnh‐mnh.
Can't do that.
I'm only going to
ask this once.
Candy, is there a turtle
in your mouth right now?
[ Gulps ] Not anymore!
Damn it, Candy! That turtle
had a wife and kids!
I know that. I ate them first.
I'm not a monster.
[ Metal door slams,
siren wails ]
"Nature's Justice."
Candy, don't you try
to eat me now!
Candy!
♪♪
Mirren:
The natural world relies upon
the fascinating interplay
between disparate species.
You know,
I picture life on Earth
as like a‐a wacky sitcom,
and the animals are all
mismatched characters.
I mean, there's Jake, the
architect who's unlucky in love,
Chelsea, the dreamer who's
just moved to the big city,
[Chuckling] and, of course,
there's Mort and Eddie,
the good‐natured knuckleheads.
Get this ‐‐ and they all
pool their savings,
and they open a smoothie shop.
And I call the show
"The Last Straw."
[ Chuckles ]
Oh, yes, and I play their
nosy landlord, Mrs. Jenkins.
She's horrible.
[ Chuckles ]
Now, we travel to
the forests of Japan
to witness the dynamic between
a truly mismatched pair ‐‐
the macaque and sika deer.
[ Birds chirping ]
Sika Deer:
[ Chomping ]
Mmm.
I love this place.
Mmm!
It's my go‐to lunch place.
You know who introduced me
to this place?
Well, no,
I‐I shouldn't say.
[ Chomping ]
Someone famous,
but, mm, yeah, I shouldn't say.
Macaque: [ Sighs ]
Don't wanna be
a name‐dropper.
[ Chuckles ]
Real famous, though.
[ Sighs ] Who did you
have lunch with?
Bambi!
Had lunch with Bambi.
Yeah, he's a third or fourth
cousin of mine, actually.
[ Sighs ]
Asked him to lunch,
asked him if I could,
you know,
pick his brain.
Couldn't believe
he said yes.
Yeah, no,
me neither.
Great guy.
Great guy.
[ Sighs ]
Thing is,
everyone's always, "Oh, Bambi,
your parents, your parents.
We're so sorry
about your parents."
[ Sighs ]
But he's more than that,
you know?
He's more than just
his tragic backstory.
He's his own person.
[ Sighs ]
You know
he's into art dealing?
He's got
an incredible eye. Ah!
Oh, my God.
Where is the check?
And he still likes my Instagram
posts to this day.
[ Sighs ]
Yeah, yeah.
[ Chuckles, sighs ]
Great restaurant.
Reminds me of the one
I went to with Rudy.
[ Sighs ]
That's Rudolph.
The red‐nosed reindeer.
Oh, dear God!
[ Birds chirping ]
♪♪
For us humans, laughter
is a cathartic release,
a spontaneous celebration of
life's unexpected absurdities.
Me?
I like to watch YouTube clips
of people falling out of boats.
[ Laughs ]
But do animals
possess a sense of humor?
I mean, we know they have
very little fashion sense.
Um, hello?
Nice leopard print.
Who are you, Carmela Soprano?
Ugh!
But in a world
of constant danger,
our animal friends deserve
the pleasure of a good laugh,
like the ruffed grouse
in Northern Canada.
♪♪
Announcer: Welcome to Open Mic
Night at the Funny Forest.
Please give it up
for the hilarious
Jeff Bird!
[ Cheers and applause ]
Jeff Bird:
Hello, Mossy Forest Floor!
One of my favorite towns.
You look like a good crowd.
Alright! Some squirrels.
Yeah, I can see your nuts, sir.
[ Chuckles ] "Nuts,"
to the squirrel I said.
Some sticks. I think
I can see some bugs here!
Don't worry, bugs,
I'm not gonna eat you...
until after the show.
[ Laughs ]
[ Light laughter ]
Ah!
Are you a hummingbird?
‐Yes, you.
‐Yes.
I love hummingbirds.
Is it just me, or are
hummingbirds always flapping?
They're always like...
[ Speaking gibberish ]
"I got to go! I got to go!"
[ Speaking gibberish ]
It's like, why are you
flapping so hard?
You're in a rush?
But they're floating in place!
What is that about?
And don't even get me started
on the humming...
You know what they say
about those who can't sing?
They hum! Huh?
[ Animal coughs ]
Ugh!
[ Taps on microphone ]
Okay,
you're not into
the hummingbird material.
What else? What else is funny?
Let's see.
I tell ya, I know
they're predators,
but I kinda wish there were some
hyenas in the crowd tonight
because those [bleep]
will laugh at anything.
I'm dyin' up here.
♪♪
Caterpillar #1: So,
what do you want to turn into?
Caterpillar #2: You mean
after I meta‐mo‐fo‐fo‐size?
Yeah, that's not right. You mean
after the whole cocoon thing?
Yeah.
I guess turning into a butterfly
doesn't sound too bad.
You?
Eh.
I want to emerge from my cocoon
as a high‐powered lawyer.
You know, a tough New York City
gal who's cold at first
but has a heart of gold
once you get to know her.
Plus, I'd have a hot boyfriend,
a kick‐ass wardrobe,
and a branch
with a view of the park.
Whoa! Are you serious?
We can do that?
I thought it was pretty much
go into cocoon,
come out as butterfly.
Oh, girl, you need to
self‐actualize.
Think positively.
You can do
anything you want,
and I will fully support you
in that.
Wow. Okay.
Well, I guess I want to
be a high‐powered lawyer
with a nice apartment,
hot boyfriend,
and kick‐ass wardrobe.
But that's my metamorphosis.
You can't have it.
Well, I guess I'll see you
in court, then, bitch.
♪♪
Mirren:
Civility is not a quality
often associated with
our animal brethren,
probably because they're always
killing and eating each other.
Yet, in less perilous
interactions,
a certain decorum
can be expected.
But as we observe
on the forest floor of Quebec,
this is a social contract
both optimistic and fragile.
[ Bell rings ]
Karen: Uh...hello?!
Chipmunk:
I'm sorry, ma'am.
We closed 20 minutes ago.
I can't help you.
I would like to speak
to the manager.
Chipmunk #2:
I'm the manager. What seems
to be the problem, ma'am?
The problem is that
your employee
was extremely
rude to me.
Well, maybe if you weren't
such an entitled jerk,
he wouldn't be.
I demand
to speak to the owner!
Chipmunk #3: I'm the owner.
What's the issue?
All your employees
have attitude problems.
Also,
why is everyone eating?
Well, technically, we're larder
hoarding for the winter.
I'm calling the police!
Uh, let me
get them for you.
Chipmunk #4:
Howdy. I'm Officer Nuts.
What's the problem, toots?
"Toots"?! I demand to speak
to your superior!
Chipmunk #5:
Lieutenant Nibbles here. You got
a tip about the homicide?
No, I just have a complaint
about a minimum‐wage employee
not changing the rules
just for me.
That serious, eh?
I gotta alert the FBI.
I don't think that
that's ‐‐
Chipmunk #6:
Agent Cheeks, ma'am. FBI.
If you were made to feel even
slightly uncomfortable,
I'm afraid it's an issue
of national security,
and I need to alert
the President.
President of...?
Chipmunk #7: As President,
there's only so much I can do,
checks and balances
and what have you,
you know, but there is someone
who can.
Thank you,
Mr. President.
Chipmunk #8: I am God,
creator of all things,
infallible judge
of the universe,
and I decree that you,
Karen Becky, suuuuuck!
I'd like to speak
to your manager!
Chipmunk #9:
I'm the manager. What seems
to be the problem, ma'am?
Aah!
The animal kingdom,
like our human world,
is home to
countless performers,
from the showy peacock...
to the understated charisma
of the llama...
and this chimpanzee,
who is currently
starring as Willy Loman
in an off‐Broadway production
of "Death of a Salesman."
I saw it during previews,
and his performance is electric,
especially the part where
he starts throwing his feces.
Fantastic!
Don't sit in the front row,
though.
The need to perform can be found
in every species,
even with the dragonfly
of Botswana.
Director: Okay, folks, let's
get ready to roll on this scene.
Dragonfly Villain's
menacing exit, take 1.
[ Claps ] And action!
Trent:
See you later, alligator.
[ Buzzes ]
Cut!
[ Beep ]
[ Sighs ] Let's stick with
the script today, okay, Trent?
I was ad‐libbing.
Impressive, right?
You're playing a humorless
killing machine.
You want to go
a different direction?
Full 180, yeah.
The character is very serious.
Serious. Got it.
Got it.
[ Beep ]
Ta‐ta, milady.
For England!
Ugh! Cut!
He's not British.
Please, let's just say the line
as it's written in the script.
How is it written
in the script?
Did you not
read the script?
Is that the paper
with the foods?
That's the lunch menu.
Ah, okay, because I was gonna
say, "Chicken Marsala"?
This is a weird movie.
Okay, can we just
get him the script?
And let's try again
one last time ‐‐
Menacing Villain's
final exit, okay?
And action!
[ Claps ]
I'll see you...
in hell.
Chicken Marsala!
Cut!
[ Beep ]
[ Wind whistling ]
♪♪
In order to survive
in the wild,
animals must be
singularly focused.
They are rarely
afforded the opportunity
to weigh their options.
I mean, honestly, when was
the last time you saw a lion
consulting a menu?
Believe me, I've watched
hours of this footage,
and it hardly ever happens.
And perhaps this narrow
world view is a blessing,
as choice often leads
to indecision and doubt,
as we see with this
Japanese black bear
on the island of Honshu.
[ Birds chirping ]
Teenager #1: Dad,
are you gonna keep sitting here
looking at the ocean?
Bear: Yes.
Yes, I'm gonna keep sitting here
looking at the ocean.
Teenager #2:
Is it because Mom said
you were never a good athlete?
No.
Is it because I said Kyle's dad
is funnier than you?
No.
Is it because I said
this vacation you took us on
is stupid
and I wish I had
a different dad?
I just like looking
at the ocean.
Lame.
I'm gonna go
get pregnant.
♪♪
[ Static crackles ]
Announcer: If you're a criminal
in the wild,
then your time is
about to run out.
We return to...
[ Metal door slams,
siren wails ]
..."Nature's Justice."
[ Siren wails,
police radio chatter ]
Owl: What's the problem?
Trisha: My ex‐husband showed up
outside our den.
Now we can't
get any sleep.
Rick: [ Slurring ]
Talk to me, Trisha!
Just talk to me!
[ Sobbing ]
Drew: Ugh! It's the middle
of the night, Rick!
Look, he's not dangerous,
alright?
He's just really loud
when he cries.
And we have work
in the morning.
[Bleep] Drew!
You're a horrible best man!
[ Sobbing ]
Drew and I
kinda fell in love
right after
me and Rick's wedding.
Yeah, well, when you know,
you know, right?
Trisha! It's okay,
I forgive you!
I wrote you a song!
♪ Trisha, I love you ♪
♪ Let's get back together,
Trisha ♪
♪ I'm so lonely ♪
[ Sobbing ]
[ Sniffles ]
Owl: Sir, you need to
vacate the premises.
Fine! I'll go!
I gotta lay this track down
at home before I forget it.
♪ Trisha ♪
[ Metal door slams,
siren wails ]
Announcer: "Nature's Justice."
[ Police radio chatter,
static crackles ]
♪♪
♪♪
Squirrel #1:
Charley, if you want
pearly white teeth like mine,
you gotta floss
after every meal.
Charley: I hear you, I hear you.
Floss three times a day.
Got it!
Wait a second.
Did you just rub toothpaste
on your face?
You do know that's just
for your teeth, right?
Oh, no, it's a 5‐in‐1.
A 5‐in‐1?
Yeah, it's a toothpaste,
body wash,
shampoo,
leave‐in‐conditioner.
That was four things.
What's the fifth thing?
[ Chuckling ]
Oh, whoops, my bad.
It's also
a hemorrhoid cream.
♪♪
Mirren:
Across millennia of evolution,
animal species have grown
perfectly adapted
to their native habitats.
The long‐horned beetle thrives
amid the dark, humid forests
of Asia,
the polar bear endures in
the frozen tundra of the Arctic,
and these two colobus monkeys
live in a charming two‐bedroom
mid‐century modern‐style house
with an open floor plan.
♪♪
Habitat is crucially important
for any animal's chances
of survival,
as we witness with
the North American porcupine.
♪♪
Announcer:
This summer, prepare for
a new kind of survival show ‐‐
wild terrains, harsh landscapes,
impossible situations.
Bear Quills: Oh, hi there.
Actually, this situation,
me climbing a tree,
is pretty standard stuff.
I am a porcupine.
[ Chuckles ]
Announcer:
Rugged adventurer Bear Quills
will brave the elements...
Bear Quills: Ah, appreciate the
kind words, Mr. Voice‐Over Guy,
but I'm pretty well‐suited
to this environment.
Announcer: Hey, buddy?
I pitched this show
to the network
as a gritty, life‐or‐death
survival series, so...
Bear Quills: I‐I don't want
to undermine the drama
of the show you're selling,
but I do this every day.
Announcer:
Ah‐ba‐ba‐dah‐dah‐ba‐ba.
Hey, look. Alright, look.
On a personal level,
I need this.
I bought a second house ‐‐
my wife doesn't know ‐‐
my kids go to a very expensive
private school.
Can you do me a solid?
Just act like this crap
is really dramatic.
Bear Quills: [ Sighs ] Fine.
[ Monotone ]
Ooh, another harsh winter
for the ill‐prepared porcupine.
How will I ever survive?
I might die.
Oh, no.
Announcer: Yeah.
Yeah, that's the stuff.
[ Clears throat ]
"Wild Vs. Wild."
This summer on the Wild Network,
Thursdays after an all‐new...
[ Metal door slams,
siren wails ]
..."Nature's Justice."
Announcer:
If crime is a disease,
these guys are
the all‐natural cure.
Let's get back to...
[ Metal door slams,
siren wails ]
..."Nature's Justice."
[ Siren wails,
police radio chatter ]
Owl:
Everything alright, sir?
Bird: Uh, I need help!
I think I OD'd
and now I'm dead.
Man, I don't know.
What did you take, sir?
Well, I made some crackers
and put, uh...
[whispering]
marijuana in them.
Shh! Don't take me
to jail, man.
Please don't take me to jail!
I teach seventh‐grade civics!
Cannabis is legal here now,
buddy.
Aw, man, I'm a ghost!
I'm dead!
Man, my mom was right about
the devil's lettuce, man!
How much did you eat?
How much what?
What's with the questions?!
I can't feel my feathers.
Oh [bleep]
Wait. Whoa, alright.
If owls sleep during the day,
does that mean
that, to you,
the day is your night
and the night
is your day?
Holy [bleep]
that's crazy, man!
[ Metal door slams,
siren wails ]
"Nature's Justice."
Oh, man, now I'm hearing
a wailing siren sound
and a disembodied voice.
Oh, I'm freakin' out!
♪♪
Mirren: The creatures
of the animal kingdom
are known for
their astonishing dexterity.
Our wild cousins
are natural athletes ‐‐
the nimble deer,
the agile chimpanzee,
and ‐‐ and this drooling moose,
who's actually really good
at Frisbee golf.
We just don't have
any footage of it.
But every so often,
an animal charms us,
not with athleticism,
but with their own
relatable foibles.
We bid them goodbye for now
but look forward to
greeting them again,
perhaps with a clumsy attempt
at a high‐five...
when nature calls.
Barista:
Okay, the iced coffee
was four kernels of corn,
and you gave me five,
so here is your change ‐‐
one kernel.
Uh, ooh!
Customer:
Oop, sorry about that!
Guess my beak is
a little slippery today.
[ Chuckling ]
I'm such a klutz.
No worries, I got it.
Here is your change. Your
iced coffee will be right up.
Oh!
Oh, gosh.
I just cannot hold onto it.
Geez, why am I
so clumsy today?
No worries, really. I‐I think
that one was my fault.
No, no, no, it's me.
Uh, it's both of us.
Let's try again.
Here is your change.
Just gra‐‐
Oh! Whoops!
Wow. You know,
it's just been so long
since I've been back inside
a coffee shop, you know?
Quarantine brain.
I'm just really struggling
with basic social interactions,
I guess.
Aren't we all?
I keep forgetting to put on
shoes when I leave the house.
Ha! Yeah, you get it. Alright,
here, let's try this again.
Yeah, so, uh, th‐there is
a line forming.
Okay, here's your one kernel
of corn.
You know what?
You can just keep the change.
You put it in the tip jar.
Thank you!
And have a good day.
I love you, too.
I mean, bye?
[Bleep] I am all over
the place today.
♪♪
Mirren: The law of the jungle
is brutal in its simplicity ‐‐
kill or be killed.
Mouse #1: What the hell
is she talking about?
Mouse #2: Um, Helen,
I think our ecosystem's
a little more complicated
than just kill
or be kil‐‐
[ Snake hisses ]
Snake! Snake, snake!
Snake!
Go, go, go!
Run for your life!
Go, go, go!
Snake! Oh, my God!
In the animal world,
this law makes for
clear‐cut roles and identities.
You are either the predator...
or the prey.
Toucan: Nuh‐uh.
I am not binary.
You cannot stick me into a box.
And I ‐‐ Uh.
Oh. Oh, damn.
I look good today, though.
Mm‐hmm!
Mirren: Across this planet,
the balance
between life and death
informs every creature's path
and underscores how
all of them must live,
simply and purely
and only in the present moment.
Seal #1:
Blech! I can't focus on [bleep]
I am bloated as [bleep] today.
Seal #2: Girl,
tell me about it.
For now, all we can do
is find a safe space
and watch in wonder as this
unpredictable majesty unfolds...
when nature calls.
[ Thunder rumbles ]
Life on Earth
is marked by conflict,
powerful forces colliding,
each refusing to yield ‐‐
ragged coastlines that sustain
decades of battering waves,
valiant desert creatures who
flourish in the punishing sun,
and this chipmunk
who just found out
he got passed over
for a promotion at work,
and yet, he still
holds his head up high.
This tenacity to endure conflict
imbues all forms of life,
as seen in a clash
between two horned owls
on the Patagonian Steppe.
[ Wind whistling ]
Owl #1: [ Gravelly voice ]
The time for talk is done.
Owl #2:
Again, I'm sorry I dinged your
car door with my shopping cart.
I'm willing to pay
for the damages.
August 17th, 3:14 p. m.
Why are you giving me
the date and time?
Because I never
want you to forget
the worst day
of your life,
the day you crossed paths
with...
[ Thunder crashes ]
...The Pit Fighter.
[ Man screams ]
What the hell is
a pit fighter?
Ohhhh,
I'm gonna show ya.
But first, might wanna make
some funeral arrangements...
for yourself.
Because you just
messed with...
[ Thunder crashes ]
...a pit fighter.
[ Man screams ]
First step to being
a pit fighter
is digging the pit.
[ Both grunting ]
[ Coughing ]
So,
you're digging a hole?
Holes are for
planting flowers.
Pits are for
burying your ass.
I don't understand
what's ‐‐ what's happening.
I dig a pit.
We get in the pit.
Then you face
the fury of...
[ Thunder crashes ]
...The Pit Fighter!
[ Man screams ]
So, how long
is this gonna take?
Average pit takes about
45 minutes to an hour.
But I'm making this
extra deep, just for you.
'Kay.
I'm gonna go run some errands.
I'll swing back
in two hours?
Two hours is good ‐‐ that'll
give me enough time to dig,
get my second wind
from all the digging,
and then you will finally
do battle with...
Let me guess ‐‐
Pit Fighter.
No. You did it wrong.
It's...
[ Thunder crashes ]
...Pit Fighter!
[ Man screams ]
♪♪
Several animal species
actually mate for life ‐‐
the gibbon,
the macaroni penguin,
and the bald eagle.
Yeah, I bet he had
a full head of feathers
when you married him.
Sorry, girl.
[ Chuckles ]
And although animals pair up
for vastly different reasons
than humans,
there is much we can learn
from the longevity
of their partnerships,
as we shall see with
this pair of clownfish
in the Great Barrier Reef.
Wife fish: So nice
we could have a date night.
Husband fish: Uh‐huh.
So, Katie scored two goals
at practice today.
Mmm. Mm‐hmm.
The contractor says
the kitchen remodel
will take another
three weeks.
Mm‐hmm. Mmm.
You're not even listening
to me, are you?
Mmm. Mm‐hmm. Oh!
So now's the time to tell you ‐‐
I slept with my trainer.
Mmm. Mm‐hmm.
You don't have anything
to say to any of that?
Sorry. Sorry. I was just really
enjoying this piece of coral.
Here's what I think ‐‐ Katie
is a tremendous soccer player.
We should keep encouraging her
but not push too hard.
On the kitchen remodel,
we're already one month in.
Another three weeks
won't kill us.
And as long as
you're not in love,
I forgive you, and I think we
should try couples' counseling.
Pass the salt, please?
[ Sighs ]
♪♪
From the depths
of the Coral Sea,
we travel to North America,
where a different social dynamic
is at play.
For the native species
in this rugged landscape,
close identification
with one's peer group,
just as in human society,
can cause ripples of tension
and self‐doubt.
Little moose:
Hey, I got a question.
What are we?
Big moose:
Well, Plato said ‐‐
No, no, I mean us.
You're a moose.
I'm a moose.
But when we're together,
what are we?
We're family.
No, I mean the name.
What are we called?
We're the Grabers!
No! When there's more
than one of us,
more than one moose,
what do you call it?
Well, if they're the Grabers,
you call it a party!
Hey‐oh!
What is the plural
of "moose"?
Mooses? Moos‐eye?
Just moose?
Oh, I see
what you're asking.
That's easy.
The plural of moose is "meese."
Goose, geese,
moose, meese.
We are meese.
Ohh!
Dibs on the water lilies!
♪♪
In the natural world,
fierce competition
is a vital component
in the game of life.
A wild animal must assert itself
to display dominance,
to secure a mate,
or just to grab
the last everything bagel
before my producer, Jerry,
gets to the breakroom.
Isn't that right, Jer‐Bear?
Jerry: I was gonna
let you have it, Dame Helen.
You didn't have to
bite my hand.
[ Chuckling ] Oh!
Oh, come on.
I didn't bite you that hard.
Competition is what divides
the predator from its quarry
and what separates this
wild world's participants
from the mere spectators,
as we see in these blue‐footed
boobies in southern Mexico.
Announcer: We return you now
to ABC's coverage
of the 145th annual
Championships at Wimbledon
for a spirited semis matchup
between Bjorn Bird
and John Quackenroe.
[ Racquets striking ball ]
John Quackenroe: Ugh!
Bjorn Bird: Ugh! Ooh!
[ Racquet strikes ball,
camera shutter clicks ]
Ugh!
Ahh!
[ Racquet strikes ball ]
[ Groans ]
[ Applause ]
♪♪
We will return with more
thrilling tennis action
after these messages.
♪♪
Tyler: [ Grunting ]
Dave: Okay, Tyler, buddy,
champ, we gotta get you ready.
First day of school.
I don't wanna
go to school!
I wanna stay here
with you and Mom!
Well, we talked about this,
and you know that ‐‐ you know ‐‐
And we're sliding.
We're sliding.
You know Mommy and Daddy
have to work.
I'm sure the neighbors
didn't see that.
Monkey #1: We did!
Monkey #2: Dave, you good?
First school drop‐off, huh?
Yeah, thanks for [clears throat]
thanks for noticing.
Whoa.
We are good.
Whoa. Whoa.
Me and the boy
had a super‐fun time...
Whoa. Whoa! Whoa!
...doing Zoom school,
but all good things
must come to an end.
Whoa!
Tyler, what are you
doing under there?
Whoa! Whoa!
I don't wanna
go to school!
I wanna stay here
with you and Mom!
[ Muffled voice ]
Dad, you're sitting on meeeeee!
Mnh.
Monkey #2:
Huh, close family.
♪♪
Mirren:
As we have just seen,
the bond between
parent and child is sacred,
even in the wild.
Here, the most fearsome predator
is reduced to a doting guardian
through the restorative power
of child‐rearing.
Except maybe for these ants.
I mean ‐‐ I mean, how can they
tell one kid from the other?
Kind of maddening, actually.
Oh, please. Put another cute
baby animal on immediately.
Oh! Oh, so sweet!
Oh, that's the stuff.
We journey now
to the coast of Chile
to see the parent‐child dynamic
at play
with these South American seals.
♪♪
♪♪
Announcer:
"Seal & Son" is filmed in front
of a live studio audience.
Son: Um, Dad?
Are you sure
this water is safe?
Dad? Dad?
Seal: Right here, Son!
[ Audience cheers and applauds ]
Sorry, just got done
taking a dump in the inlet.
Don't tell the EPA.
[ Laughter ]
I know you want me to
try out for the swim team,
but I think there's something
in the water.
Seal:
They're called "waves," Son.
Don't be rude.
Wave back.
[ Laughter ]
Son: No, it's something
big and scary in the water.
Seal:
Don't be silly, Son.
Your mother's still at home...
[ Laughter ]
...probably
burning the roast.
[ Laughter ]
No, Dad.
I think there's a bloodthirsty
ocean predator out there.
[ Audience ooohs ]
Oh, don't be dramatic,
kiddo.
Get out there and swim.
Dad, seriously, if you
turn around just slightly more
than you already are,
you will see it.
You know your old man
has a bum neck
from balancing beach balls
on his nose in the circus.
[ Laughter ]
I'll turn around later.
Dad! It's an orca!
Just turn around!
Son, I know the ocean
can be big and scary.
But a predator is just a friend
you haven't met yet.
[ Audience awws ]
Dad, I appreciate
the life lesson,
but I'm pretty sure
that was a killer whale!
Of course, Son.
Those things are everywhere.
I was in the water
yesterday,
and one of them almost
bit my dinghy in half!
[ Laughter ]
And, hey, even if you don't
make the swim team,
you've still got your old man's
seal of approval.
[ Laughter, applause ]
This has been "Seal & Son."
Now stay tuned to ABC
for an all‐new episode of...
"Rhinocer‐ish."
[ Rhinoceros grunts ]
♪♪
Mirren: Clearly, the mind of
a child is a wondrous thing,
full of insatiable curiosity,
precocious assumptions,
and endless questions.
Just [gasps] oh, my!
Ugh! So many questions.
Left to their own devices,
children will create entire
worlds within which to frolic.
And for our young
animal cousins,
the wild is their playground,
and they always seek
to bend the rules
of life's many games,
as with the guileless
black bear cub of North America.
♪♪
Okay, Keisha,
marry‐maul‐eat ‐‐
Pete Davidson, Tyler Perry,
or Morgan Freeman.
Go!
Hmm.
Well, I'd def marry Tyler Perry
because he's rich.
Duh!
Yeah, very true.
And then next I'd ‐‐
I'd eat Pete Davidson
because he literally
looks like
he tastes like
wild‐caught salmon.
Also very true.
So, I guess I gotta maul
poor Morgan Freeman.
[ Chuckles ] Eh,
he had a good run, you know?
Oh‐oh‐oh‐oh!
Whoa! Ooh! Ugh!
[ Laughing ]
Ohh, snap!
Hey, Devon, see what we get for
messing with Morgan Freeman?
Come on!
Just 'cause he played God
doesn't mean
that he is ‐‐
Man: [As Morgan Freeman]
Uh, I heard that.
[ Bears scream ]
I can't believe you chose
Pete Davidson over me. Mnh.
[ Whimpers ] Somehow I knew
that Pete Davidson
would someday lead
to my untimely death!
♪♪
Mirren:
We take leave of the black bear
cubs of the Pacific Northwest
to visit with some old friends
once again.
We observe here that, even when
an animal finds its tribe
and embraces its true nature,
there are still nagging
mysteries that abound,
like the existential confusion
we observe in another visit
with the noble denizens of
the North American woodlands.
[ Wind rushing ]
Moose #1: Hold up. You think
the plural of "moose" is what?!
Moose #2: Meese.
Goose, geese, moose, meese.
Makes sense to me.
I don't know.
I always thought
our plural is the same
as our singular, like fish.
More than one moose
are called "moosh"?
[ Chuckling ]
[ Stammering ]
My God, you're right!
We're moosh.
No, no. What? That's not at all
what I'm trying to say.
We are moooooosh!
Hold up. T‐That doesn't
sound right, either.
Wait ‐‐ mooshes.
We are mooshes!
♪♪
Bear: [ Grunting ]
Jeffrey: And how we doin'
over here, sir?
Oh, I see you're not enjoying
our signature salmon at all.
[ Laughs ]
[ Burps ]
I stand corrected.
Well, it's been a pleasure
serving you this evening.
Right now, my colleague Anthony
is gonna take over.
[ Burps ]
Anthony?
Anthony: Jeffrey,
I promise our friend here
is only
in slightly better hands.
Ah, you!
How we doin' over here,
sir?
Anthony: Can I get you
anything else?
I see our signature salmon
really isn't
hittin' the spot for ya tonight.
[ Chuckles ]
Bear: Can I just
get this to‐go, please?
I'd rather eat it behind
the dumpster in the parking lot.
[ Grunting, smacking lips ]
♪♪
Mirren: Even in a realm
as seemingly pure
and incorruptible as nature,
there exists an underbelly,
a shadow world
of danger and deceit.
Animals,
these glorious creatures,
also have a dark side.
[ Growls ]
Lions will turn on each other
when food runs scarce.
Beetles will battle to the death
to secure a mate.
And I have it on good authority
that this penguin runs
a reverse mortgage scam.
Yeah, I'm looking at you, buddy.
Still, there are those who try
to stay on the side
of justice and integrity,
like this tarsier in the jungles
of Southeast Asia.
Announcer: Welcome back to
"Jungle Mafia: Undercover."
Roberta Boon: Thank you for
sitting down to tell us about
your harrowing experiences
in the mob.
We are, of course,
concealing your identity
for your protection.
So, how did it all begin
for you?
[ Distorted voice ]
Mm, wow.
I think we've got all we need.
That's a wrap!
What a thrill.
This was actually
my first‐ever interview
as an investigative journalist.
Jimmy:
You did terrific.
I can't wait for
those murderous scum
to get what's
coming to 'em.
They are ‐‐ Hey!
Am I on camera right now?!
Why are the lights on?
Hey, hey, you can't do this!
You can't turn the lights on!
Yeah, it turns out the mob
pays better than PBS.
Sorry, buddy.
Announcer: This has been
"Jungle Mafia: Undercover."
♪♪
Mirren: The animal world,
as noble and unadorned
as it may often seem,
is, nevertheless, still a realm
ruled by outward appearances.
[ Flamingoes squawking ]
Nature is not unlike
high school.
The gorillas are the jocks,
the meerkats
are the theater nerds,
the tarantulas
are the goth kids,
and, you know, so on.
And since their looks
must attract a mate,
ward off enemies,
and, one would assume,
help them book commercial jobs,
appearances are vitally
important to animals.
Case in point ‐‐ the
fashion‐conscious hermit crab.
Debbie: Uh, I‐I don't
want to come out.
Mom crab: Sweetie,
it's such a beautiful dress.
I'm sure you look
just adorable.
Come out
of the dressing shell.
Okay. Here I come.
[ Chuckles nervously ]
You gotta come out
the whole way, honey.
Can't Becky just let
the bridesmaids
wear whatever we want?
Your sister
is very particular.
She's going for this whole
"beach" theme.
Kind of redundant,
since we're crabs.
But you know her ‐‐
a little basic.
Debbie, come on out.
Okay, okay,
here I am.
Ta‐da!
Oh, wow. Pumpkin,
that is...
Well, it's a little low‐cut,
isn't it?
Ugh, this is what people
wear now, Mom.
Sorry, sorry. I just like
the way you look in slacks.
Hmm. It is a little full
in the back.
I knew it!
My butt looks huge!
Ugh! My ass is dragging
all over this beach!
♪♪
Another illuminating glimpse
into the lives
of our animal friends
draws to a close.
But when will they
once more welcome us
into their mysterious homes?
And when they do, will they at
least do a little tidying up?
I mean, no offense,
but most of their homes
are really,
really disgusting.
I mean, look at that.
Where did you get
that couch, mate?
And what have you
been doing on it?
Ugh!
Anyway, join us again
for another breathtaking
adventure...
when nature calls.
♪♪
Owl #1:
There they are!
Owl #2: Yep,
right where we want them.
Alonzo: Where?
Where are they?
Ah, now I see them.
And they have no idea ‐‐
No, Alonzo, you're looking
the wrong way.
Straight ahead, 6:00.
What?
Oh, oh, oh!
Now I see them.
Alonzo, that's not them.
6:00.
Ohh, 6:00 a. m.
Now I got them.
Just look at these fools.
They have no id‐‐
No, Alonzo,
they're over here.
6:00.
Look over here!
Ohh! Ohh! 6:00 a. m.
Pacific time.
I got it!