What We Do in the Shadows (2019–…): Season 1, Episode 10 - Ancestry - full transcript
Nandor visits one of his living descendants; a lover from Nadja's past reemerges.
I like being a familiar.
It's a very satisfying job.
Well, actually, calling it
a job would imply that it pays.
So it's more of a vocation.
Less glamorous than I imagined.
I thought by now
I'd be like Armand,
but sometimes I feel like
I'm halfway
turning into a Renfield.
I think the worst part
for me is the loneliness.
I'm awake when
my master's asleep, and...
the house gets quiet
and it's lonely,
but I'm also awake
when he's awake.
I'm always awake.
You know, sometimes I wonder
what my life would be like
if I was still at Panera Bread.
I'd probably be manager.
I'd get to boss other people
around for a change,
sleeping, health insurance,
friends...
getting paid,
all the Panera Bread
you can eat.
But you know what they say:
the heart wants
what the heart wants.
("You're Dead"
by Norma Tanega playing)
♪ Don't sing if you want
to live long ♪
♪ They have no use
for your song ♪
♪ You're dead, you're dead,
you're dead ♪
♪ You're dead
and out of this world ♪
♪ Now your hope and compassion
is gone ♪
♪ You sold out your dream
to the world ♪
♪ Stay dead, stay dead,
stay dead ♪
♪ You're dead
and out of this world. ♪
- Good evening, Guillermo.
- Good evening, Master.
I have an envelope for you.
Okay, pop it in the coffin.
Thank you.
Uh, just... pop it in there.
That's... that's...
Is it in yet?
I can't read it.
It's too dark in here.
Is it another summons
for jury duty?
Just tell them I'm dead.
Oh, no.
It's something very cool.
I had your DNA tested.
A lab tested it.
How did they get the DNA?
Did they steal my semen?
- What? No.
- I won't have my semen stolen again.
No, I don't, I don't...
No, I don't even know
what that story is.
No, this is all very scientific.
Huh. Okay.
Well, the story is
some witches decided
to steal my semen
and put it into a semen spell.
But it didn't even work, and
then they got semen everywhere.
But this seems
much more aboveboard, so...
This just uses science
to find out
where your ancestors came from.
It could also be used to see if
you have any living relatives.
Living relatives?
♪ Dun, da-da, da. ♪
Here's yours.
You have...
Oh, wow.
- What?
- You have...
200,000 direct
living descendants.
That's a lot.
I'm a grandad?
Well, technically, you're a...
great-grandad times 30.
Becoming a vampire came
at a strange time in my life.
I was married at the time
to 37 women.
My 37 wives weren't very happy
about the changes
I was going through.
I was becoming very moody,
sleeping all day now.
Nighttime was mainly
drinking people's blood.
Put a strain on all of us.
Then they left,
all 37 of them.
It was a sad night for me,
because I really loved
35 of them.
In those days,
fathers didn't really
look after their children.
It was down to the women.
And in some cases,
a couple of friendly wolves.
- I did try to visit
my children, but...
they were just afraid,
you know, 'cause...
I'm a vampire floating
outside the window.
Hey, kiddies.
Hey, you've got my nose.
That's the last time I saw them.
Probably dead now, I suppose.
And another cool thing is,
you can find out
if any of them live near you.
You have one of them
living right here
in Staten Island.
Madeline.
Exciting.
- Why are we going to the library?
- This better be good, Nandor.
- How long is this gonna take?
- I was cleaning my skull.
Not long, not long. Thank you.
Everyone, I have
some very exciting news.
Guillermo has had my DNA tested.
You need to be careful
that's not evil witches trying
- to pinch your semen.
- Yes. Witches are semen stealers.
There's no semen-stealing.
It's very official.
It came in an envelope.
I actually had
everyone's DNA tested.
How did you get our DNA
- without us knowing?
- You literally leave it laying everywhere,
so it wasn't that hard.
So, here's yours, Nadja.
No, thank you, please. Put that
on the pile there for burning.
- You sure you don't want to open it?
- Don't test me!
Okay, forget that.
- So, Laszlo...
- Don't you dare.
- You don't want to...?
- Bugger off.
That's not very nice.
Okay. Colin Robinson.
- Ding, ding, ding.
- There you go.
Could I get a drumroll first?
- No. - No. -Nope.
Fine. I'll do my own.
Frankly, I would be flattered
if witches collected my semen.
It says here that
I am 100% white.
People are
from all different places.
It just can't say "white"
on your paper.
Oh, wow. "100% white."
No other nuance.
Tell them my other news,
Guillermo.
Okay. He has over two hundred...
200,000 direct descendants
living today!
Fucking hell.
Well done, chap.
Thank you, Laszlo.
Congratulations, Nandor.
That is some very exciting seed.
- Yes.
- But I'm telling you, don't let the witches find out about it.
They'll be coming for you.
- No...
- That is top-quality seed.
And thanks to your little
helper, they know about it.
I'm telling you,
they're coming for more.
They use it to make magnets.
I'm a grandad.
- You know...
- Don't ruin it.
Oh, I-I wouldn't
think of ruining it.
- Thank you.
- The great Genghis Khan
- I knew it.
- Has over 16 million living descendants.
Now, that's a seed.
You just have to bring up
Genghis Khan.
Do any of his relatives
live nearby?
Actually, yes.
Uh, he has a great-times-30
granddaughter
who lives here in Staten Island.
So did you get your DNA tested,
Guillermo?
I did, but you probably
wouldn't be interested
- in finding out the results.
- Yes. Probably not.
Thank you for attending.
I'm mainly mestizo,
which I already knew.
3.12% Dutch.
That's pretty cool.
This basically shows
my family tree.
There's the Dutch family,
and the name is Van Helsing.
That's...
that's actually really funny.
Uh, 'cause I don't know
if you're familiar with, uh,
who Van Helsing is...
The most notorious
vampire killer.
I have Van Helsing DNA
in my blood,
which is...
But he's not real, so...
He's not real.
Is he?
I mean, vampires are real,
but...
I suppose there could be
a vampire...
Oh, wow.
I love vampires.
I-I...
I killed two accidentally.
Stay back!
Oh, fuck.
My tummy feels weird.
Just...
I th... What'd I have for lunch?
I had for lunch...
I had, um...
garlic.
When I was a human man,
I had rosy cheeks,
yet in between those cheeks,
there was never a smile.
And then, one night,
everything changed.
Nadja came through the window
and took my life.
She opened a window to my soul
and let the darkness in.
I'm creating something
very special for her.
It's yet to take shape.
When it does, I think
she'll be very impressed.
I can't be bothered to hold this
anymore. Can you tether it?
- Uh, actually...
- What the fuck have you got in your hand?!
Put that down!
That's a wooden stake,
you dickhead!
Well, you asked me to buy
garden stakes, so I b...
Get them out of my sight now,
you smart-ass.
- Okay.
- Where did you get them from?
- Amazon, so...
- Well, then you get in your car,
and you drive back
to the Amazon.
That's not how that w...
It's online.
Shut your mouth,
and tie this thing up.
Fucking halfwit.
Stakes! The most offensive thing
he could bring into the house.
Tighter!
So, Nandor has
200,000 descendants.
Still far fewer than,
uh, Genghis Khan.
Um, so we're gonna go visit one.
Her name is Madeline.
I'm going to float up
to her window and see her.
Not going
to introduce myself yet.
Don't want to frighten her.
I need you to be very supportive
of me at this delicate moment.
Going to give her some gifts.
Got her a little teddy bear.
Ugh. You know what?
This isn't working,
me being supportive.
I feel like
I am literally eating myself.
Ugh!
It is time.
Don't tap on the window.
I see her. She's asleep.
How does she look, Master?
She looks a little older
than I was anticipating.
That-That's what I was trying
to tell you... she's 94.
- So young!
- Don't tap on the window.
She is stirring.
I'm going to tap on the window.
- No.
- N-No, Master, don't tap on the window.
Madeline!
Tap, tap, tap, tap, tap!
- Oh, crap.
- Wakey, wakey!
Ah.
She's awake.
Come to me, my little one.
Come, look, this is for you.
Your grandpappy is here.
Say hello.
This is...
Oh, no.
I knew I shouldn't have tapped
on her window,
but you goaded me.
If, by "goading,"
you mean my saying,
"Under no circumstances
should you tap on her window,"
then, yes, I goaded you.
Yes, exactly. You see,
you are a goader,
Guillermo is a goader.
You saw an opportunity to goad
and what did you do?
- You goaded it.
- Okay.
Guillermo!
What is this feeling
I am feeling?
It's grief, Master!
Grief?
I don't care for it.
Wait, wait. Nandor!
How am I supposed
to get down, Nandor?
You goaded me, and now
you got to take the stairs!
This is why you don't
get attached to humans.
They don't last long.
It is like with my sweet Gregor.
He is reborn and then he dies.
And again and again and again.
And every time he comes back,
our love is reignited
like a big ball of flames,
- and then
he is brutally decapitated.
Look at this one.
Such a beautiful head of hair.
I like it when he's subservient,
but not like this.
Hello!
Num, num, num, num, num.
♪ Gregor,
you are the sweetest boy ♪
♪ Kid. ♪
I have to be very
careful in case Laszlo sees.
♪ My sweet Gregor ♪
♪ Gregor, can you hear me? ♪
♪ Gregor, hear me ♪
♪ Singing this song ♪
♪ Gregor, can you hear me? ♪
- ♪ Gregor, hear me ♪
- Nadja.
- Nadja! Nadja!
- ♪ Singing this song... ♪
I'm Gregor!
Nadja!
Nadja?
Nadja!
Hey! Hey!
Goddamn it. Call the cops.
Nandor has invited us
to join him at the funeral
of his descendant Madeline.
- Wait. It's in a church?
- Oh, bloody hell.
- Well, of course. It's a funeral.
- But hang on.
It's night. Shouldn't there be
no one in there?
I got it changed
to later in the evening.
- Asshole.
- How did you do that?
I... called in a bomb scare.
- I can't go in there.
- No.
Do it for Madeline.
Look at the pictures
on the glass.
It's the Jeebus man.
Thought of going
in a church... a church...
Makes me nervous
to say the word.
I just...
You know, this...
Not much scares me,
but this...
She can go in.
Why can't we? Look at...
- Because she's not a vampire!
- Look at her.
I'm a vampire.
I can go in.
Energy vampires have no problems
going into places of worship.
We find it to be
fertile feeding ground.
- No! Ooh!
- Wonderful, Colin.
Can you go in
and pay our respects,
and we'll just stand here?
This is not
about feeding ground.
This is about
my great-great-great-great-
great-great-
great-great-great-great-
great-great-granddaughter.
Please.
Please?
Fuck it. Fine.
- Madeline.
- Again, it's okay for me to go in.
I-I'm... I'm gonna be fine.
- Madeline.
- Laszlo.
And it is with great sadness
and tremendous remorse
that we say goodbye
to Madeline Darvish.
She did not have children
of her own,
but many considered her
a mother figure.
- Please rise.
- Motherfucking rise.
- Then you rise.
- You rise.
- I really appreciate you coming.
- The Lord is my shepherd.
- I shall not want...
- Nandor, we got to get out of here.
Nandor, I'm so sorry. I don't
know how much longer I can last.
Nandor, my mascara is running
because of the blood.
You look great.
I got to get out.
I can't do this.
It is a lovely service,
but I'm on fire.
Your rod and your staff...
- they comfort me.
- Thank you for coming, Nadja.
Hey, I'm gonna go, too.
I'd rather watch TV.
Thank you, Colin Robinson.
And I will dwell in the house
of the Lord forever.
Please be seated.
Guillermo.
Guillermo, I'm on fire.
Get some water.
Water.
Aah!
So sad. I...
really miss her.
That was holy water, Guillermo.
Are you trying to kill me?
She died too young.
If anyone
from the family would like
to say a few words,
n-now would be a good time.
Good night, my darling.
Good night, my darling.
West on Jefferson Avenue,
got a late model
red station wagon.
10-96. Escaped mental patient.
- So, my boy Sean...
- Ca-caw!
Came to the corner store
down on Eastern Parkway
to get some Twizzlers,
but they only had a family size.
- Yo, shut up, shut up, look.
- What, man? I'm telling a...
- Yo! Whoa! What the fu...?
- Dude, what?
Holy shit. Oh, my God.
Whoa!
Dude, holy... Yo...
- Holy shit! Oh, my God.
- Oh! Look at that!
- Look at that.
- Holy shit.
Nadja!
- Are you okay?
- Holy shit.
Cheeze-It, yo, yo, yo.
Hey, hey, hey. Wait.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Oh!
- Oh, my God.
Nadja!
That's not-that's not yours.
Hey! Dude!
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
- Yo, yo, yo, yo.
- Stop!
Nadja?!
Nadja!
Nadja!
Shit.
Nadja!
- Jesk?
- Nadja.
- Oh...
- My Nadja. I heard your call.
- Shh.
- My destiny has brought me here,
- and it is to be with you.
- Oh.
Jesk, uh,
you-you shouldn't be here.
- My husband lives here.
- Husband?
And he is very big, wide man,
- and he loves to bite.
- I don't give a shit.
- He loves to bite...
- Our destiny cannot be denied.
- Who's this, my darling?
- Well... Oh...
A gentleman caller?
Uh, no. This is just my friend
from the park.
We're having a quick catch-up.
I am here for Nadja.
Nadja... is my wife.
I should cut your head off.
Oh, I-Laszlo,
you don't need to do that.
I always have.
- Wait, what?
- What?
I know who you are.
Outward appearance
may have changed.
The pattern remains the same.
You get reborn,
you try and find her,
and I cut your head off.
Oh, shit.
When I was a street thief?
I had the cleaver in my hand.
When I was a naval officer?
I was on board that ship
with a cutlass.
When I was atop
- that horse in the battlefield in...
- Yeah, yeah.
That was me.
The Amazon explorer?
Guess who tipped off
the natives.
- When I was a mouse?
- I was a cat.
When he was a washer woman?
- We can do this all night.
- Really?
- You're an evil genius.
- My darling,
every time doughboy turns up,
you start crying.
Now, I'm not having that.
You're my sweet baby, and I'm
here to stop that kind of jive.
Aw. Crazy knight in...
shining black coat.
Oh, Laszlo.
Well, this is fucked up.
- Should we get on with it?
- No. No.
Let him have at least
one full life, my darling.
Is this what you want?
Why... y-yes.
I suggest you fuck off
and never darken
our doorstep again.
My wife has everything she needs
with me. Is that understood?
Goodbye.
May-Maybe I'll see you
in the next life.
- Yeah, maybe you won't.
- Oh, okay. All right.
All right, all right.
I'm going.
- May-Maybe you will.
- Mm-hmm.
Now, my darling.
I've created something for you.
Here's your surprise.
It's me.
- It is the most beautiful thing
- That's it.
- My eyes has ever witnessed.
- I'm out of here.
Farewell, my love...
Ooh!
- Bloody not.
- Laszlo, what the
- fucking hell have you done?!
- No, no, no, no, my darling.
I swear,
that had nothing to do with me.
Aw. Ew.
I'll leave you some time
alone with...
whatever his name is.
Oh, Gregor,
thank you for all the lovely
times, and I'll see you soon.
Guillermo?
- Yes, Master?
- You all right?
I'm just tired, Master.
You sure?
Yes, I'm sure.
Time for bed.
What was the results
of your ancestry test?
♪ Gliding side by side... ♪
Just...
stereotypical... Mexican.
- Piñata farmers.
- Piñata farmers. Mm-hmm.
There's nothing
to be ashamed of.
People love piñatas.
Someone's got to breed
those colorful donkeys.
Thank you, Master.
♪ Underneath the moon... ♪
Thank you for helping me tonight
on my saddest night.
Even though you did throw
holy water onto me!
Do you remember that?!
It really burned!
- Sorry.
- Why would you do that?!
Outrageous!
Aah, my burns!
From the holy water
that you threw on me.
That is one demerit point
for you,
and one more year
as my familiar.
Good night.
♪ Underneath
the silvery moon... ♪
- Guillermo?
- Hmm?
You're having a serious thought?
No.
Oh, yeah, you probably weren't.
Good night.
Good night, Master.
♪ Underneath the moon
with shadows creeping ♪
♪ Underneath the silvery moon ♪
♪ Making love while
all the world is sleeping ♪
♪ Making love
while the world sleeps ♪
- ♪ Come along, my dear ♪
- ♪ Come along, my dear ♪
- ♪ I am waiting here ♪
- ♪ I am waiting here ♪
♪ Waiting underneath ♪
♪ The ♪
♪ Moon. ♪
("Holy Water"
by Struggle Jennings playing)
♪ Yo, let me get two rounds ♪
- ♪ Shaolin, the warriors' home ♪
- ♪ Yeah ♪
♪ Used to love the street,
euphoria's gone ♪
♪ Crack dealer,
sorcerer's stone ♪
♪ See, my son,
he was born as a clone ♪
♪ Take a seat at the throne ♪
♪ Elvis left the building,
eagle has flown ♪
♪ I've been mindin' my own,
so just leave me alone ♪
♪ This is the season of gods,
I'm-a even the odds ♪
♪ You can read between the lines
'cause I'm speakin' in psalms ♪
♪ Oh, oh, take a shot
of that holy water ♪
♪ Ha, have a talk
with the Holy Father ♪
♪ I know that you hear me,
I hope you forgive me ♪
♪ 'Cause tonight
I'm pressin' hard ♪
♪ With all the strength
that you give me ♪
♪ Ah! ♪
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
It's a very satisfying job.
Well, actually, calling it
a job would imply that it pays.
So it's more of a vocation.
Less glamorous than I imagined.
I thought by now
I'd be like Armand,
but sometimes I feel like
I'm halfway
turning into a Renfield.
I think the worst part
for me is the loneliness.
I'm awake when
my master's asleep, and...
the house gets quiet
and it's lonely,
but I'm also awake
when he's awake.
I'm always awake.
You know, sometimes I wonder
what my life would be like
if I was still at Panera Bread.
I'd probably be manager.
I'd get to boss other people
around for a change,
sleeping, health insurance,
friends...
getting paid,
all the Panera Bread
you can eat.
But you know what they say:
the heart wants
what the heart wants.
("You're Dead"
by Norma Tanega playing)
♪ Don't sing if you want
to live long ♪
♪ They have no use
for your song ♪
♪ You're dead, you're dead,
you're dead ♪
♪ You're dead
and out of this world ♪
♪ Now your hope and compassion
is gone ♪
♪ You sold out your dream
to the world ♪
♪ Stay dead, stay dead,
stay dead ♪
♪ You're dead
and out of this world. ♪
- Good evening, Guillermo.
- Good evening, Master.
I have an envelope for you.
Okay, pop it in the coffin.
Thank you.
Uh, just... pop it in there.
That's... that's...
Is it in yet?
I can't read it.
It's too dark in here.
Is it another summons
for jury duty?
Just tell them I'm dead.
Oh, no.
It's something very cool.
I had your DNA tested.
A lab tested it.
How did they get the DNA?
Did they steal my semen?
- What? No.
- I won't have my semen stolen again.
No, I don't, I don't...
No, I don't even know
what that story is.
No, this is all very scientific.
Huh. Okay.
Well, the story is
some witches decided
to steal my semen
and put it into a semen spell.
But it didn't even work, and
then they got semen everywhere.
But this seems
much more aboveboard, so...
This just uses science
to find out
where your ancestors came from.
It could also be used to see if
you have any living relatives.
Living relatives?
♪ Dun, da-da, da. ♪
Here's yours.
You have...
Oh, wow.
- What?
- You have...
200,000 direct
living descendants.
That's a lot.
I'm a grandad?
Well, technically, you're a...
great-grandad times 30.
Becoming a vampire came
at a strange time in my life.
I was married at the time
to 37 women.
My 37 wives weren't very happy
about the changes
I was going through.
I was becoming very moody,
sleeping all day now.
Nighttime was mainly
drinking people's blood.
Put a strain on all of us.
Then they left,
all 37 of them.
It was a sad night for me,
because I really loved
35 of them.
In those days,
fathers didn't really
look after their children.
It was down to the women.
And in some cases,
a couple of friendly wolves.
- I did try to visit
my children, but...
they were just afraid,
you know, 'cause...
I'm a vampire floating
outside the window.
Hey, kiddies.
Hey, you've got my nose.
That's the last time I saw them.
Probably dead now, I suppose.
And another cool thing is,
you can find out
if any of them live near you.
You have one of them
living right here
in Staten Island.
Madeline.
Exciting.
- Why are we going to the library?
- This better be good, Nandor.
- How long is this gonna take?
- I was cleaning my skull.
Not long, not long. Thank you.
Everyone, I have
some very exciting news.
Guillermo has had my DNA tested.
You need to be careful
that's not evil witches trying
- to pinch your semen.
- Yes. Witches are semen stealers.
There's no semen-stealing.
It's very official.
It came in an envelope.
I actually had
everyone's DNA tested.
How did you get our DNA
- without us knowing?
- You literally leave it laying everywhere,
so it wasn't that hard.
So, here's yours, Nadja.
No, thank you, please. Put that
on the pile there for burning.
- You sure you don't want to open it?
- Don't test me!
Okay, forget that.
- So, Laszlo...
- Don't you dare.
- You don't want to...?
- Bugger off.
That's not very nice.
Okay. Colin Robinson.
- Ding, ding, ding.
- There you go.
Could I get a drumroll first?
- No. - No. -Nope.
Fine. I'll do my own.
Frankly, I would be flattered
if witches collected my semen.
It says here that
I am 100% white.
People are
from all different places.
It just can't say "white"
on your paper.
Oh, wow. "100% white."
No other nuance.
Tell them my other news,
Guillermo.
Okay. He has over two hundred...
200,000 direct descendants
living today!
Fucking hell.
Well done, chap.
Thank you, Laszlo.
Congratulations, Nandor.
That is some very exciting seed.
- Yes.
- But I'm telling you, don't let the witches find out about it.
They'll be coming for you.
- No...
- That is top-quality seed.
And thanks to your little
helper, they know about it.
I'm telling you,
they're coming for more.
They use it to make magnets.
I'm a grandad.
- You know...
- Don't ruin it.
Oh, I-I wouldn't
think of ruining it.
- Thank you.
- The great Genghis Khan
- I knew it.
- Has over 16 million living descendants.
Now, that's a seed.
You just have to bring up
Genghis Khan.
Do any of his relatives
live nearby?
Actually, yes.
Uh, he has a great-times-30
granddaughter
who lives here in Staten Island.
So did you get your DNA tested,
Guillermo?
I did, but you probably
wouldn't be interested
- in finding out the results.
- Yes. Probably not.
Thank you for attending.
I'm mainly mestizo,
which I already knew.
3.12% Dutch.
That's pretty cool.
This basically shows
my family tree.
There's the Dutch family,
and the name is Van Helsing.
That's...
that's actually really funny.
Uh, 'cause I don't know
if you're familiar with, uh,
who Van Helsing is...
The most notorious
vampire killer.
I have Van Helsing DNA
in my blood,
which is...
But he's not real, so...
He's not real.
Is he?
I mean, vampires are real,
but...
I suppose there could be
a vampire...
Oh, wow.
I love vampires.
I-I...
I killed two accidentally.
Stay back!
Oh, fuck.
My tummy feels weird.
Just...
I th... What'd I have for lunch?
I had for lunch...
I had, um...
garlic.
When I was a human man,
I had rosy cheeks,
yet in between those cheeks,
there was never a smile.
And then, one night,
everything changed.
Nadja came through the window
and took my life.
She opened a window to my soul
and let the darkness in.
I'm creating something
very special for her.
It's yet to take shape.
When it does, I think
she'll be very impressed.
I can't be bothered to hold this
anymore. Can you tether it?
- Uh, actually...
- What the fuck have you got in your hand?!
Put that down!
That's a wooden stake,
you dickhead!
Well, you asked me to buy
garden stakes, so I b...
Get them out of my sight now,
you smart-ass.
- Okay.
- Where did you get them from?
- Amazon, so...
- Well, then you get in your car,
and you drive back
to the Amazon.
That's not how that w...
It's online.
Shut your mouth,
and tie this thing up.
Fucking halfwit.
Stakes! The most offensive thing
he could bring into the house.
Tighter!
So, Nandor has
200,000 descendants.
Still far fewer than,
uh, Genghis Khan.
Um, so we're gonna go visit one.
Her name is Madeline.
I'm going to float up
to her window and see her.
Not going
to introduce myself yet.
Don't want to frighten her.
I need you to be very supportive
of me at this delicate moment.
Going to give her some gifts.
Got her a little teddy bear.
Ugh. You know what?
This isn't working,
me being supportive.
I feel like
I am literally eating myself.
Ugh!
It is time.
Don't tap on the window.
I see her. She's asleep.
How does she look, Master?
She looks a little older
than I was anticipating.
That-That's what I was trying
to tell you... she's 94.
- So young!
- Don't tap on the window.
She is stirring.
I'm going to tap on the window.
- No.
- N-No, Master, don't tap on the window.
Madeline!
Tap, tap, tap, tap, tap!
- Oh, crap.
- Wakey, wakey!
Ah.
She's awake.
Come to me, my little one.
Come, look, this is for you.
Your grandpappy is here.
Say hello.
This is...
Oh, no.
I knew I shouldn't have tapped
on her window,
but you goaded me.
If, by "goading,"
you mean my saying,
"Under no circumstances
should you tap on her window,"
then, yes, I goaded you.
Yes, exactly. You see,
you are a goader,
Guillermo is a goader.
You saw an opportunity to goad
and what did you do?
- You goaded it.
- Okay.
Guillermo!
What is this feeling
I am feeling?
It's grief, Master!
Grief?
I don't care for it.
Wait, wait. Nandor!
How am I supposed
to get down, Nandor?
You goaded me, and now
you got to take the stairs!
This is why you don't
get attached to humans.
They don't last long.
It is like with my sweet Gregor.
He is reborn and then he dies.
And again and again and again.
And every time he comes back,
our love is reignited
like a big ball of flames,
- and then
he is brutally decapitated.
Look at this one.
Such a beautiful head of hair.
I like it when he's subservient,
but not like this.
Hello!
Num, num, num, num, num.
♪ Gregor,
you are the sweetest boy ♪
♪ Kid. ♪
I have to be very
careful in case Laszlo sees.
♪ My sweet Gregor ♪
♪ Gregor, can you hear me? ♪
♪ Gregor, hear me ♪
♪ Singing this song ♪
♪ Gregor, can you hear me? ♪
- ♪ Gregor, hear me ♪
- Nadja.
- Nadja! Nadja!
- ♪ Singing this song... ♪
I'm Gregor!
Nadja!
Nadja?
Nadja!
Hey! Hey!
Goddamn it. Call the cops.
Nandor has invited us
to join him at the funeral
of his descendant Madeline.
- Wait. It's in a church?
- Oh, bloody hell.
- Well, of course. It's a funeral.
- But hang on.
It's night. Shouldn't there be
no one in there?
I got it changed
to later in the evening.
- Asshole.
- How did you do that?
I... called in a bomb scare.
- I can't go in there.
- No.
Do it for Madeline.
Look at the pictures
on the glass.
It's the Jeebus man.
Thought of going
in a church... a church...
Makes me nervous
to say the word.
I just...
You know, this...
Not much scares me,
but this...
She can go in.
Why can't we? Look at...
- Because she's not a vampire!
- Look at her.
I'm a vampire.
I can go in.
Energy vampires have no problems
going into places of worship.
We find it to be
fertile feeding ground.
- No! Ooh!
- Wonderful, Colin.
Can you go in
and pay our respects,
and we'll just stand here?
This is not
about feeding ground.
This is about
my great-great-great-great-
great-great-
great-great-great-great-
great-great-granddaughter.
Please.
Please?
Fuck it. Fine.
- Madeline.
- Again, it's okay for me to go in.
I-I'm... I'm gonna be fine.
- Madeline.
- Laszlo.
And it is with great sadness
and tremendous remorse
that we say goodbye
to Madeline Darvish.
She did not have children
of her own,
but many considered her
a mother figure.
- Please rise.
- Motherfucking rise.
- Then you rise.
- You rise.
- I really appreciate you coming.
- The Lord is my shepherd.
- I shall not want...
- Nandor, we got to get out of here.
Nandor, I'm so sorry. I don't
know how much longer I can last.
Nandor, my mascara is running
because of the blood.
You look great.
I got to get out.
I can't do this.
It is a lovely service,
but I'm on fire.
Your rod and your staff...
- they comfort me.
- Thank you for coming, Nadja.
Hey, I'm gonna go, too.
I'd rather watch TV.
Thank you, Colin Robinson.
And I will dwell in the house
of the Lord forever.
Please be seated.
Guillermo.
Guillermo, I'm on fire.
Get some water.
Water.
Aah!
So sad. I...
really miss her.
That was holy water, Guillermo.
Are you trying to kill me?
She died too young.
If anyone
from the family would like
to say a few words,
n-now would be a good time.
Good night, my darling.
Good night, my darling.
West on Jefferson Avenue,
got a late model
red station wagon.
10-96. Escaped mental patient.
- So, my boy Sean...
- Ca-caw!
Came to the corner store
down on Eastern Parkway
to get some Twizzlers,
but they only had a family size.
- Yo, shut up, shut up, look.
- What, man? I'm telling a...
- Yo! Whoa! What the fu...?
- Dude, what?
Holy shit. Oh, my God.
Whoa!
Dude, holy... Yo...
- Holy shit! Oh, my God.
- Oh! Look at that!
- Look at that.
- Holy shit.
Nadja!
- Are you okay?
- Holy shit.
Cheeze-It, yo, yo, yo.
Hey, hey, hey. Wait.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Oh!
- Oh, my God.
Nadja!
That's not-that's not yours.
Hey! Dude!
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
- Yo, yo, yo, yo.
- Stop!
Nadja?!
Nadja!
Nadja!
Shit.
Nadja!
- Jesk?
- Nadja.
- Oh...
- My Nadja. I heard your call.
- Shh.
- My destiny has brought me here,
- and it is to be with you.
- Oh.
Jesk, uh,
you-you shouldn't be here.
- My husband lives here.
- Husband?
And he is very big, wide man,
- and he loves to bite.
- I don't give a shit.
- He loves to bite...
- Our destiny cannot be denied.
- Who's this, my darling?
- Well... Oh...
A gentleman caller?
Uh, no. This is just my friend
from the park.
We're having a quick catch-up.
I am here for Nadja.
Nadja... is my wife.
I should cut your head off.
Oh, I-Laszlo,
you don't need to do that.
I always have.
- Wait, what?
- What?
I know who you are.
Outward appearance
may have changed.
The pattern remains the same.
You get reborn,
you try and find her,
and I cut your head off.
Oh, shit.
When I was a street thief?
I had the cleaver in my hand.
When I was a naval officer?
I was on board that ship
with a cutlass.
When I was atop
- that horse in the battlefield in...
- Yeah, yeah.
That was me.
The Amazon explorer?
Guess who tipped off
the natives.
- When I was a mouse?
- I was a cat.
When he was a washer woman?
- We can do this all night.
- Really?
- You're an evil genius.
- My darling,
every time doughboy turns up,
you start crying.
Now, I'm not having that.
You're my sweet baby, and I'm
here to stop that kind of jive.
Aw. Crazy knight in...
shining black coat.
Oh, Laszlo.
Well, this is fucked up.
- Should we get on with it?
- No. No.
Let him have at least
one full life, my darling.
Is this what you want?
Why... y-yes.
I suggest you fuck off
and never darken
our doorstep again.
My wife has everything she needs
with me. Is that understood?
Goodbye.
May-Maybe I'll see you
in the next life.
- Yeah, maybe you won't.
- Oh, okay. All right.
All right, all right.
I'm going.
- May-Maybe you will.
- Mm-hmm.
Now, my darling.
I've created something for you.
Here's your surprise.
It's me.
- It is the most beautiful thing
- That's it.
- My eyes has ever witnessed.
- I'm out of here.
Farewell, my love...
Ooh!
- Bloody not.
- Laszlo, what the
- fucking hell have you done?!
- No, no, no, no, my darling.
I swear,
that had nothing to do with me.
Aw. Ew.
I'll leave you some time
alone with...
whatever his name is.
Oh, Gregor,
thank you for all the lovely
times, and I'll see you soon.
Guillermo?
- Yes, Master?
- You all right?
I'm just tired, Master.
You sure?
Yes, I'm sure.
Time for bed.
What was the results
of your ancestry test?
♪ Gliding side by side... ♪
Just...
stereotypical... Mexican.
- Piñata farmers.
- Piñata farmers. Mm-hmm.
There's nothing
to be ashamed of.
People love piñatas.
Someone's got to breed
those colorful donkeys.
Thank you, Master.
♪ Underneath the moon... ♪
Thank you for helping me tonight
on my saddest night.
Even though you did throw
holy water onto me!
Do you remember that?!
It really burned!
- Sorry.
- Why would you do that?!
Outrageous!
Aah, my burns!
From the holy water
that you threw on me.
That is one demerit point
for you,
and one more year
as my familiar.
Good night.
♪ Underneath
the silvery moon... ♪
- Guillermo?
- Hmm?
You're having a serious thought?
No.
Oh, yeah, you probably weren't.
Good night.
Good night, Master.
♪ Underneath the moon
with shadows creeping ♪
♪ Underneath the silvery moon ♪
♪ Making love while
all the world is sleeping ♪
♪ Making love
while the world sleeps ♪
- ♪ Come along, my dear ♪
- ♪ Come along, my dear ♪
- ♪ I am waiting here ♪
- ♪ I am waiting here ♪
♪ Waiting underneath ♪
♪ The ♪
♪ Moon. ♪
("Holy Water"
by Struggle Jennings playing)
♪ Yo, let me get two rounds ♪
- ♪ Shaolin, the warriors' home ♪
- ♪ Yeah ♪
♪ Used to love the street,
euphoria's gone ♪
♪ Crack dealer,
sorcerer's stone ♪
♪ See, my son,
he was born as a clone ♪
♪ Take a seat at the throne ♪
♪ Elvis left the building,
eagle has flown ♪
♪ I've been mindin' my own,
so just leave me alone ♪
♪ This is the season of gods,
I'm-a even the odds ♪
♪ You can read between the lines
'cause I'm speakin' in psalms ♪
♪ Oh, oh, take a shot
of that holy water ♪
♪ Ha, have a talk
with the Holy Father ♪
♪ I know that you hear me,
I hope you forgive me ♪
♪ 'Cause tonight
I'm pressin' hard ♪
♪ With all the strength
that you give me ♪
♪ Ah! ♪
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH