What We Do in the Shadows (2019–…): Season 2, Episode 1 - Resurrection - full transcript

So, yes,
it has been quite a summer.

- We finally got a new familiar.
- Yeah.

- But he had an
accident and died. - Yeah.

Left a bit. Left a bit more.

It's not even.

Ooh. Shit.

So we found another one
and she had an accident

and she died.

Oh, fuck.

I had what is known
as a summer of self- discovery.

I was being a vapor



and I got sucked
into an air purifier.

But apart from that,

pretty slow summer.

And then the same thing
happened with the next one.

I spent so much time at the DMV

they finally just
gave me a license.

I did what any young,
handsome man would do,

I went and bought
a classic convertible,

put the top down,
blasted some tunes and, uh,

I blocked the entrance
to the Lincoln Tunnel.

This is gonna
ruin my day, too, you know.

- And then the next one.
- Yep.

We've been through about six... no,
seven familiars this year.

- Seven?
- Yeah, remember Joey?



No, my dear,
I'm not that familiar.

No, don't you remember?

His intestines came
straight out of his bum.

- Oh, Joey. Yeah, yeah.
- Mm.

Not much new with me.
I've been spending

a lot more time
in the upstairs bathroom.

But besides that, my summer's
been pretty mellow and... Ooh.

There's this little guy.

Here. I've been trying to make
friends with him all summer.

Don't be afraid. Come on in.

Oh, sh...

That's the tenth vampire
I killed this month.

These vampire assassins
keep trying to kill

Nandor, Nadja and Laszlo

ever since they escaped
from the Vampiric Council.

I'm doing it
to protect my master.

But I can't tell him
I'm a vampire killer,

because then he'd have
to kill me.

Guillermo, what are you doing?

- Dusting. - Well,
can you dust more quietly please?

- I'm trying to sleep.
- Okay.

I haven't slept
in 72 hours. I've been eating

these chocolate- covered
espresso beans.

They give you enough pep
just to keep going

and just keep going, going,
going and pretend...

- Ah!
- Guillermo?

Someone's in here!
Please don't open the door.

Did you make
a messy toilet again?

I- I did. I- I
had an accident. Whoopsie.

- Well, actually, I just wanted to... - No,
Master, don't open...

Oh, Guillermo.

You should really
drink more water.

♪ Don't sing if you want
to live long ♪

♪ They have no use
for your song ♪

♪ You're dead, you're dead,
you're dead ♪

♪ You're dead
and out of this world ♪

♪ Now your hope and compassion
is gone ♪

♪ You sold out your dream
to the world ♪

♪ Stay dead, stay dead,
stay dead ♪

♪ You're dead
and out of this world. ♪

Anyway, that is all in the past,

because we have finally
found us a good one.

Topher, come in here!

- Look at this.
- Tophie!

Your skull polish, madam.

- I'll be right outside.
- There he goes.

Take care of business. Ooh.

Topher is an absolutely

"Bob's your money"
spectacular familiar.

And his résumé

is impeccable.

It is. He
is proficient in Excel.

And went to Lehigh.

Now, my wife and I
have not a whore's notion

what any of that means.

But we like it.

Need any help with that,
G- Money?

Nah, I got it.

It's like my father used to say.

"Never accept a towel
from an Italian."

- Yeah. Topher.
- Very true, darling.

- Master.
- Watching you stretch

your young body
across that fireplace,

- you know who you remind me of?
- Who, Master?

Me.

Bring it in.

You're the best.

- Guillermo! Guillermo!
- Y- Yes, Master?

Yes?

I dragged my cape through
a street doo- doo again.

I dragged it for three blocks
before I noticed

and I'm embarrassed to say
I dragged it

for another eight blocks
after that.

- Why did you do that, Master?
- Well, I thought it would help,

you know, drag the doo- doo off.

- Anyway, take care of it please.
- Hey, uh,

- you want me to fly in with
the assist? - No!

That actually
is a- a lot of shit on it.

This is a good solo job
for Guillermo.

But thank you for the hustle,
Topherino!

Look out.

- Hustle...?
- I don't think so.

- It looks fantastic
in here. - Doesn't it?

- I could watch him clean
all day. - Yes.

All right,
I'm glad to hear you say that.

Uh- huh.

All right.

All right! Bye, Bobby.

It's my little side hustle.

I'm a 0.5 percent owner in this
dope new line of hard ciders.

- It's called Doze Apples
Hard Cider. -

That's clever, 'cause it- -
they're made with apples.

Apple flavoring,

- we have to say.
- Do Laszlo and Nadja

- know about this?
- Eh.

What they don't know
can't hurt them.

- Am I right? High five.
- I...

- Come on, dawg. Don't leave
me hanging. - I don't know. Just...

- With our job... - Dawg.
Don't leave me hanging, dawg.

- And we're just...
- Dawg. Don't leave me hang...

- I just think that...
- No, give me a better one, dawg.

- I just think...
- Again, high five!

Oh, yeah. High five.

I feel like there's a way

to be cool... which you are,
you're very cool...

- Thank you. - ...and also,
respectful, you know?

You need to let them know

that you are worthy of being
turned into a vampire someday.

- Which is why we're here.
- To be honest,

I don't really care
about being a vampire.

I'm sorry, what?

Yeah, yeah,
I was very surprised

that Topher does not
want to be a vampire.

Who doesn't
want to be a vampire?

What are you doing
if you don't...

- What- what do you want to be?
- I don't know.

Maybe a warlock.

- That'd be cool.
- That would be cool.

That's, like, above vampire.

Alla- kazoom!

And it would explode
or something.

He's still
learning. He's still finding himself.

He'll get there.

So, these are like money.

You go to any store that sells
Doze Apples Hard Cider,

pay for the cider
with real money, but then,

you mail in this card to
the address there on the back.

And I can explain
this whole process

as I'm handing these out?

Oh, yeah.
Sometimes more than once.

You know,
if you want, you can drain me right now.

I'm, like, firing on all
four cylinders, you know?

You can crunch up as much as you
want. I can make some more.

Yeah, I want to, Topher,

but I'm having a pickle
of a time draining you.

I know. I'm sorry, Mr. Robinson.

Like,
I know you're trying to bore me- -

Hang on.

Come on in.

The stuff that you tell me
is just so interesting.

You know?

Sue me.

- Who was at the door?
- I don't know.

Unbelievable. Topher?

Topher, did you happen to let
two vampires into the house?

- Hey, hang on, dawg. - Look,
there's a couple rules you need to follow.

- I know you're new, okay, but...
- Sorry, just, uh,

conferencing with this guy
I used to intern for,

this dope werewolf- -
You might know him, actually.

First of all, werewolves are not
dope, so I wouldn't know him.

- Uh, this guy's pretty dope.
- No.

Look, I don't mean to be hard
on you, but it's important

you follow the rules
for everyone's safety.

Do me a favor and stay away
from the koi pond.

I think there's an electrical
short from the heater, so just

- stay away from it... - Have you
tried turning it off and back on again?

No, just don't touch it,
Topher, okay?

- The electric guy's gonna be here
on Monday. - Always works for me.

So just leave it alone...

Yeah. I'm sad that Topher died.

Another familiar dead, you know?

But... that's the business.

I'm used to it.

That's bad, right?

Death comes for us all.

It comes for the bees.

It comes for the trees.

It comes for, uh, basically
anyone from zero on up,

so... one...

Are you kidding?

...two, three, four.

Put a cork in it,
Colin Robinson.

- We're weak enough as it is.
- Perhaps there is

- a familiar killer on the loose?
- What?

Well, I was just thinking,
you know,

if there are vampire killers,

then why not
familiar killers, also?

There's no such thing as
vampire killers, you knob lord.

- Well...
- What was that, Guillermo?

I'm just saying
that it wouldn't hurt

to be more cautious and alert.

Enough of this!

This is horse piss.
We are vampires.

We can do better
than this for our Topher.

Guillermo, dig him up.

Yes.

Please be respectful of his mud.

A necromancer is someone

who can reanimate the dead.

It's a truly fantastical part
of the dark arts.

And I happen to have
a very good old pal

Wallace...

...who is excellently proficient
in the art of necromancy.

No, he's excellent, at the dark
art of ripping you off.

These people are shysters.

They're obsessed
with the upsell.

I'm sure his hut
is around here somewhere.

It's a classic necromancer scam.

"Meet me at my hut."
What bloody hut?

There it is. I'm certain of it.

Look at all those pale,
desperate wretches

scurrying around
in the moonlight.

It's a performing arts school.

Hey, a high school
production of Thornton Wilder's

Our Town with a Q and A
afterwards.

- Don't mind if I do. Yum, yum.
- You seek

the necromancer?

What the...?

I am they.

Hello, Wallace!

Come on, everyone!

- I've got a lovely pot of
stew if anyone's hungry. - No.

- I see you admiring my wares.
Anything tickle your fancy? - No.

Hush. - These
bracelets ward off the evil eye.

- Ooh. Ooh.
- This one attracts the evil eye.

- And this one increases sexual
stamina. Yeah. -

You could do with a leg up.

- And these are key chains that look
like license plates. - Uh- huh.

Look, mister,
we are not interested

in your tricks and trinkets.

This one would make a cute gift
for a man named Steve.

Yes, yes, yes, but,
Wallace, what we are here for

is we were hoping
you could reanimate

our beloved familiar Topher.

Yes, uh, how long
has he been dead?

- Huh?
- Oh, that is Guillermo.

He is not dead, although
sometimes we wish he was.

Just a little joke there,
Guillermo,

I got it.

All right, so, uh,
where's the carcass?

Yes. Guillermo,
fetch the carcass.

- The what?
- The carcass.

- The cadaver, man.
- I'll go get the body.

What was that?

I'll go get the carcass.

Better.

And did you bring a personal
item belonging to the deceased?

Uh, yes, uh, his mini- fridge.

Uh, Guillermo, you did
bring the mini- fridge, yeah?

He absolutely loved
this cold, white little box.

And the foot of a deranged cat,

the night- thistle,
the parcel of wolf's- bane

and the $350 cash?

- Thank you.
- It's all there,

razzle- dazzle man.

Good, good.
I can't stress enough

the $350 cash.

- Yeah, I'll bet you can't. - Otherwise,
the spells don't work.

Wallace,
do you think we are going to get

- our beloved Topher back?
- Well, he seems well preserved.

Everything seems to want to...
seems to be intact.

He hasn't had that, uh,

intestines out of the asshole,
has he?

- No, no.
- Good,

'cause that really yucks me out.

Right, then, here we go.
Hold on to your hats.

Yes! You're alive!

You can jive!

Your spirit rise!

♪ The light has gone ♪

♪ Out of your eyes ♪

♪ What a surprise ♪

- ♪ Yah! ♪
- Is he scatting?

No, of course not.

♪ Zippidee- dop ♪

♪ A- zippidee- doo ♪

♪ A- zippidee- zop- zop,
wabada- boo... ♪

This is bullshit.

Shut up.

♪ Ooh- eh ♪

Oh- pah!

Zombra, zombra, zombra.

Zambra, zombra.

Why is he looking at his phone?

It probably just can't wait.
It's an emergency.

Z- Zombra, zambra,
zombra, zombra, zombra.

Zombarisa...

Hai! Hai! Hai!
Hai, hai, hai!

Ba- boom!

- Oh! - Ew! - Get in, you bastard!

The end.
I have achieved reanimation.

Your beloved familiar

will return to you tomorrow.

- Tomorrow?
- Life takes time, my friend.

We are reversing the very power
of nature itself.

But there's
a- a quickening ritual,

if you want
to chivvy things along.

As we're all friends,
I could do it for a hundy.

- No, you bloody won't. We're
not interested. -

Thank you so very much, Wallace.

♪ Zappidee- doo. ♪

Zappidee- doo.

Everything is back to normal,
because our Topher is back!

It's true.
I've got to admit,

Wallace, as contemptible
a man as he is,

- actually came up trumps.
- Told you so.

You fucking didn't.

Don't tell Guillermo, but...

I'm so happy Topher is back.

All right,
let us begin with the minutes.

I am here.

Guillermo, you are there.

And, um...

To- pher!

Oh, Tophie!

And there is Topher.

Wonderful.

We are all here.
We can begin.

Firstly- -
and I'm not naming names- -

but I have recently noticed
that the house reeks

of decaying flesh, and there are
dead birds everywhere.

Topher!

As I say, I'm not naming names.

But if we do have an issue,

then it's important
that we all work together

to let Guillermo know,
so that he can fix it.

Doze Apples!

Off he goes.

That chap's tireless, isn't he?

You could learn something
from Topher, no, Guillermo?

I actually have an order
of business I'd like to discuss.

- Oh...
- Okay.

- The floor is yours.
- I'm a little bit concerned

about Topher.

I think there might be
something

really wrong with him.

Topher! Aah!

- - He waits under my bed and tries
to bite me, for one. - Yes.

He eats live birds and insects.

I think, I think
he might be a zombie.

That, my boy,
sounds like slander.

Nandor, what are you going to do
about the state of the muck

- pouring out of his mouth?
- Guillermo,

do you have any proof
of this wild accusation?

Aah!

Well, do you?

He's not well!

- He's freaking out.
- Yes!

He's gonna eat me!
¡Dios mío!

Well,
now he's speaking in tongues.

That is awful of you
to call Topher

those things you just did.

Exactly.

Guillermo, have you
been getting enough sleep?

No. No,
I am not getting anysleep!

I haven't slept
in the last two weeks,

because I have to keep one eye
open to protect you guys!

Protect us from what?

Nothing.

I just wish you guys knew
how hard I work for you,

and you don't, so that's okay,
never mind, forget it.

Did you see that?

- He was eating his
own dry poops. -

The vampire assassins
usually come at night,

so I have to constantly survey
the perimeter.

♪ ♪

Topher!

Topher? No, no, no, no, no, no!

I don't wanna die, I don't
wanna die, I don't wanna...

Sorry. Sorry.

Why...?

Sorry, buddy,
but you were trying to kill me.

High five.

I don't know, bud.

- Come on!
- Okay. All right.

Aw, shit.

- Why?!
- Sorry, Toph.

See, that's why
I didn't want to do that.

Toph.

No, buddy, I don't think it's
gonna go back on there, bud.

High five!

No, I'm not gonna
high- five you anymore.

High five!

Ow, Toph! That really hurt!

- High five!
- Stop it, you...

You're being really rude
right now!

Stop it! Stop it!

Stop it, Topher.
Stop it, Topher!

Stop it, Topher!

Aw, fuck no!

No one bites Guillermo!

It was an accident.

All right, dudes,
I'm headed out.

Going up to Albany to catch
a community theater production

of Pippin.

What's going on with,
uh, Toph- Dawg?

I think he's a zombie.

Yeah, could be.

See you guys later.

You goofballs.

No!

Why won't you die?!

Stop it! Stop it!

Ow!

Jesus fucking...!

Topher!

Guillermo!

Master...

you saved me.

Thank you.

Your screaming disturbed me
from my slumber.

You shouldn't be putting
your head in there.

It's not hygienic.

If you want to wash yourself,
do it in...

Will you stop that!

I've had enough of this.

He was a good familiar
and a fine fellow.

But what is done is done.

This fuckin' guy.

He was a good familiar
and a fine fellow.

But what is done is done.

Are you kidding me with this
right now?

Just give him a few jolts.
I'll be fine.

He was a good familiar
and a fine fellow.

Kind of tickles.

You conned us,
you slippery bastard!

Wallace,
how could you do this to us?

Yeah, plus, he was crawling
on the ceiling, which is odd.

- Well, he didn't do that before?
- Of course not!

Well, okay, I must have used
the wrong incantation spell.

But you know what?
No extra charge.

- Bullshit! You made it up as you
were going along. - No, no, no, no,

that was word- for- word verbatim.

No. You were bloody texting
on your phone the whole time!

It was an Amber Alert.

Well, I did think
it was important.

He is damaged goods,
and we demand satisfaction!

Not cool, Wallace, not cool.

- Fine. Let me have him.
- What, do you think

I'm gonna let him go?
You must be out of your mind.

Come here, boy.

Come on, come on.

That'll do, pig, that'll do.

- Wow.
- All right,

I don't normally do refunds,

but I'll take him
off your hands for you.

And for your trouble,

each of you can grab
a license plate key chain.

For free?

Free. Gratis.

Okay.

Come on!

- Oh. "Ingrid." Oh.
- I got...

"Steve."

So if you're watching, Steve...

waiting for you.

Ah.

I got "Nadia," uh,

which is my name,
but with a less exciting "J."

Completely free.

You don't have "Colin."

We haven't sold any
since 1979, mate.

But you have "Condom."

Very, very popular.

- Can I take one?
- Go for it.

So I got...

"Gigi."

I guess that's better
than "Gizmo."

Being a familiar
isn't for everyone.

You're not always thanked
or praised.

But after my master
saved my life,

he proved to me that...
he really does care about me

and all the things I do for him.

And if one day
he doesn't, well...

Here you go. Down there.

That be slippy there, hang on.

Here you go.

Topher!

Yep.

Just uh, copy what they do,
you'll be fine.

Doze Apples!

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Very good.

Be back to check on you
next year.

Doze Apples.

Yes, yes.

Gigi.

Condom.

Topher!

♪ See the people
all dressed in white ♪

♪ Oh, it must be
the children of Israel ♪

♪ Just a- walkin'
into the light ♪

♪ 'Cause there ain't no grave ♪

♪ Gonna hold my body down ♪

♪ Oh, there ain't no grave ♪

♪ Gonna hold my body down ♪

♪ When that trumpet shot
shall blast ♪

♪ And the dead
shall leave at last ♪

♪ There ain't no grave ♪

♪ Gonna hold ♪

♪ My body down. ♪