What We Do in the Shadows (2019–…): Season 1, Episode 3 - Werewolf Feud - full transcript

I have recently
rediscovered my love

for topiary sculpture.

The art of bush manipulation.

We have Anubis,
the Egyptian god of death.

Here is a chimera.

This one, I'm the most proud of.

This is the bunny,
simply because it ended up

exactly the same
as I had in my head.

- And up here...
- Yo, Laz!

All right, Sean.

Bitch kicked me out again.
Can you believe it?



She ought to
strangle you to death

with your own sphincter muscle.

- What did you just say?
- I said something

which you will
heartily agree with.

Yeah, I hear that, bro.
That's-that's messed up.

Have a good night.

His wife will probably kill him.

Which leads me on
to the fairer sex.

What you're about to see
are the topiary representations

of the vulvas of some
of my favorite prostitutes

and women I have loved.

Polly Nichols
from Whitechapel, 1888.

Oh, that's my good
lady wife Nadja.

Don't think she'd like you to
see that, but who gives a fuck?



Beautiful.

That's Nancy Reagan at the end.
It's a bit untidy.

And here we have
the pièce de résistance,

my mother.

What the...

You're kidding.

Ugh!

That's werewolf piss.

Werewolf piss.

This box contains
all my werewolf traps.

That's what we're looking for,
the Wulfsfalle.

That'll do the business.

("You're Dead"
by Norma Tanega playing)

♪ Don't sing if you want
to live long ♪

♪ They have no use
for your song ♪

♪ You're dead, you're dead,
you're dead ♪

♪ You're dead
and out of this world ♪

♪ Now your hope and compassion
is gone ♪

♪ You sold out your dream
to the world ♪

♪ Stay dead, stay dead,
stay dead ♪

♪ You're dead
and out of this world. ♪

♪

Am I a morning person?

That would be
an enthusiastic "yes."

I really enjoy the mornings.

Let's see what Nandor's up to.

Nandor?

I wake up hungry,
and I get to feed all day.

Go away, please, Colin Robinson.

Nandor, it's time
to name that tune.

Guillermo, get him out of here!

- Will you get out of here?
- I made it up.

- Can't you see I am sleeping?
- Please get out.

Get out.

That's what I call
my "morning cup of coffee."

Dan, how are you?

Mornings are great for feeding.
People aren't really,

you know, frustrated yet
by the entire day.

If you don't want to have kids,

then I would keep that phone
in your pocket.

Arnie. You know,
I was thinking about the whole,

uh, Q-tip debate
that we've been having,

and, you know, science says

that you shouldn't
stick anything

smaller than your elbow
into your ear.

Talk about damage
to the ear canal.

- Am I not right?
- I just can't.

Yeah, no, and, uh...

There's someone new
in the office.

If you get 'em before this place
grinds them down,

you get so much fresh energy.

Knock, knock.

Let me be the ad hoc
welcoming committee.

I am Colin Robinson.

You're gonna be hearing
a lot more about me.

- Oh, probably not.
- Oh, no.

Nonsense. People talk.

- Not to me, they don't.
- Look at that.

- Personalized nameplate, huh?
- Yeah, I-I had it made because

people don't usually
remember my name.

Oh.

Since we're on friendly terms,

let me give you a little advice.

The water fountain,
I have reason to believe,

is not filtered.

I wouldn't dare
go by the water fountain.

What if everybody laughed?

Wh-Why...
why would they do that?

You have no idea how long
I've been waiting

to hear a kind word.

I've been all alone
since Mother died, so...

Oh. I'm-I'm just
talking to you. I...

- There, there.
- Thank you.

- Talk later?
- Yeah.

- Really?
- Yeah, I said we would.

I'd love to chat later.

Oh, what the hell was that?

I didn't get anything from her.

Nothing.

I think there's
something weird about Evie.

This is mine and Laszlo's crypt.

I decorated it myself.

This one is a very special
creature to me.

When I first met Laszlo,

I was walking
on the moors with him,

and this owl flew over
and scratched my head,

and I said, "Kill that fucking
bitch, please, Laszlo."

If me and Laszlo were
to have ever had a child,

I like to imagine
it would look like him.

Small and hard.

I hate this goat.

What is that?

It's werewolf.

Coming from outside.

There's a bloody big werewolf
on the lawn.

Quick.

- Ugh, ugh.
- Ew.

- Bloody big one.
- Quick, we need to get it inside.

It stinks.

Why is its foot in a trap?

- Laszlo, did you lay a trap?
- What?

No, no, nothing
to do with me. Let's just get it

- off the grass.
- It's okay. It's okay.

- It's okay. The neighbors, the neighbors.
- Shh. He's losing conscious.

- Go to sleep now.
- That's it, that's it.

- Go to sleep, Mr. Werewolf.
- That's it.

Okay, this way. Go, go.

- The boy should be helping.
- He is helping.

- Where do we take it, the basement?
- Fancy room.

But we just spring-cleaned.

- Master, is it safe to be this close to it?
- Probably not, Guillermo.

Well, when it wakes up,
won't it kill me?

Yes, probably. But we have more
important things to talk about.

We need to get rid of him.

And when I say get rid of him,
I mean...

No! The werewolf lives.

Otherwise, we endanger
the sanctity of the Truce.

- The Truce?
- Ah, the Truce.

I hate the Truce.

For tens upon tens of years,

the vampire
and werewolf communities

live in a wary peace
because of the Truce.

Vampire does not harm werewolf,

so long as werewolf doesn't
interfere with any vampire shit.

His friends might
know he's here.

Which means all of his friends
will come and visit him.

Okay, let us put a muzzle
on him, take him to a park,

tie him to a bench.

He's waking up.
He's waking up!

Oh, God.

Why do you guys have
a werewolf trap?

I mean, a normal trap
on your lawn?

We know you're a big
bloody werewolf.

I saw you screeching
and scratching around the garden

like a big, disgusting wet dog.

Yeah, so the game's up,
you bastard.

Luckily for you guys,

I have incredible
healing abilities.

I'm already
recovering completely.

Ow!

- He's gonna shit.
- Oh, no.

When my werewolf brethren
and sisteren

find out about this,
they will not be happy.

Ah, shit.

- He's broken the bloody window.
- My other leg!

This is bad.
This is very bad.

Yes, this is very bad.

I'm coming back with the pack.

And by then,
I'll be 100% healed.

Don't worry about that.

- He could've killed me.
- Possibly, but you know,

these things happen.

Hey, Kamal. Put on a little
weight this weekend, no?

Hey, Jeannie. Ooh.

Man, what's an antonym
for "jealous"?

'Cause that's how I feel
about your workload

right now.

Arnie. You're gonna kill me,
but I think I am going to

change my position on the whole
Q-tip conundrum that we had.

- Arnie, are you even listening to me?
- Huh, Colin?

Sorry. I was talking
to the new girl.

She told me the saddest story
about her nephew.

Born with his eyeballs
facing backwards.

So can he see his brains?

I think the new girl is
an emotional vampire.

They're an advanced form
of energy vampire.

But instead of frustrating
the people around them

for energy, they feed off
of pity. Look at her.

There's not gonna be
anything left

when she's done with Dave,
I'll tell you that much.

This whole damn office is empty.

Evie.

E.V.

Emotional vamp... Oh, hell.

It's on, Evie Russell.
Oh, it's on.

Biff! Hey.

Hey, Biff.
Could I have a word with you?

Biff, just a second, Biff.

- Just gonna use the bathroom first.
- Quick question about...

Biff, I had a... actually,

- I had a quick question.
- -Biff, we need to discuss...

Can this wait till we get
out of the bathroom?

'Cause it's kind of femininerelated.
Uh, Biff, you're gon...

I can't exact...

- Biff, Biff, Biff.
- Biff, I can't exactly...

- Hold on, hold on.
- Oh, man!

Biff, I-I think my dog
might be autistic,

- and I need a shoulder to cry on.
- Biff.

- Please, Biff.
- What is happening, Colin?

What do you think of
the new toilet paper in here?

- I was wondering... Let go!
- This is crazy.

Oh, you don't use, uh,
toilet paper liner, huh?

Biff, I just need
to talk to you, please.

Not a seat protector dude, huh?

I'm just so sad,
and I don't know what to do.

- I'm not feeling well.
- I-I... I feel really weak.

You know, the Greek
phrasing for "coma"

is "deep sleep."

Poor Biff.

One, two, three silver bullets.

How are we gonna kill
a whole wolf pack

with just three silver bullets?

It's worse than that...
We don't even have a gun.

No gun?

The wolf pack.

She is here.

What the blazes?

Look, two werewolves,

as bold as brass.

And I can even sense one
behind me.

She's emptying her wolf snatch
all over the bushes!

All right, you've made your
point. Let's call this a night.

Oh, no.
We're just getting started.

Way to go, Deb.
Good, strong stream.

Yeah. We had the piss.

- Now we need the blood.
- Someone's finally speaking my language.

Get ready to start speaking it

our your butt,
you Sense and Sensibility bitch.

- Ange, Ange, Ange.
- What-what are we doing?

You're ramping it up
pretty quick here.

Let's build up.
Let's build up to something.

What I don't understand is why
you texted us all, woke us up

and told us to come here to
what, just piss on everything?

- Are we gonna get on with this?
- Lack of organization, man.

I'm just gonna need
a second here.

You're doing it again.
You're undermining me.

No, you made us look
like turds, man.

Can you stop crying
on my lawn, please?

- Let's talk about it later.
- Okay. Let's do it later.

At last.

Give me some space.

You'll need more than space,
me old chap.

Go on, Laszlo.

Oh, no.

Not my bunny. Look.

No, that's my rabbit.
That's my best one.

- My sciatica.
- Don't worry, darling.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey,
hey, hey, hey!

Here comes the party poop.

You can't be fighting
with werewolves on the lawn.

You'll alert
the human neighbors.

And there's a bus stop
outside the house.

Well, don't appear as a mist
on the lawn, then, you prick.

What the hell's going on
over there, Laz?

Nothing, Sean.

Everything's all right
on this lawn.

Just how I like it.
And I'm going inside.

- It's just the neighbor.
- Carry on.

If we are to battle,
we must follow the protocols.

Of course we're going to
follow the protocols.

- To the protocols.
- Sure.

And now there's
lots of dogs going

- in my house.
- Shit, have you got a key?

It's very tense.

Vampires, werewolves,

give me a moment to find
the relevant passage.

So, are all you werewolves
Indians?

- Oh, here we go again.
- Fucking Twilight.

No, we're not all Indians.

In fact... well, I'm an Indian.

But that's because my father's
from India. I think you're

not even talking about
that kind of Indian, though.

I think you're talking about
a Native American.

- Like Marcus.
- Yeah, but I'm not a werewolf

- because I'm Native American.
- That's right.

All right?
It's not an ethnic thing.

- That's one guy.
- We're all different.

- I'm African-American.
- That's right.

- Oh.
- Yeah.

I'm Caribbean-Canadian.
Saskatoon, motherfucker.

- That's right.
- Yeah.

- I'm Caucasian.
- That's-that's right.

That's Chad.
If anyone is interested,

- I have found the...
- Yes, get on with this.

Relevant passage for...

This was written in 1993.

- Wow.
- And it states,

"Should a werewolf pack

have a beef
with a vampire house..."

That's us.

"the two groups
shall not battle,

"but elect from amongst them

"their strongest fighter.

"The two fighters will face off

- "in one-on-one combat...
- No.

On neutral ground."

Okay. Staten Island
Werewolf Support Group.

Uh, vampires in this room.

Not you, Guillermo.

It's on, Evie Russell.

Oh, it's on.

- Evie Russell.
- Colin Robinson.

- Working late?
- I have to. I'm behind.

I like your skirt.

You should be careful,
because mauve attracts bees.

I was wearing this skirt when my
sister got her cancer diagnosis.

Cancer isn't usually
what kills you.

It's the treatment.

She was killed
by a drunk driver.

He was my fiancé.

Violence often begins at home.
Studies indicate...

I've never had a home!

Remind me to e-mail you
a link to a Slate article

on the millennial
housing crisis.

I don't use e-mail

ever since my computer
was hacked

and my identity was stolen.

Hackers,
featuring Johnny Lee Miller

and Fisher Stevens, is one of
the few movies from 1995

that still holds up!

I was held up at gunpoint

while waiting in line
to see that movie.

But they didn't take any money.

They just did it for fun!

Human form.

Come on!

We're five minutes early.

You know...

we don't have to be enemies.

Have you ever considered
hunting with a partner?

The thought has only recently
crossed my mind.

Rhonda.

I was wondering
if you could settle a bet.

Tonight is a good night to die.

Oh, I don't want you to die,
Master.

Not me to die;

- the other guy to die.
- Oh.

Maybe don't say it like that.

Okay.

Tonight is a good night
for the other guy,

not me, to die.

They're here.

Sorry we're late.
Sorry we're late.

Bridge was a nightmare.

Hello, mongrels.

You haunted house bitch!

We meet on the roof of this
abandoned Circuit City

in accordance with the protocols

of the Staten Island
Lycanthrope-Vampire Agreement

of 1993.

And so it begins.
Have you chosen your champion?

Oh, yeah.

We chose Toby.

- Oh, that is a very big one.
- I don't remember this one.

Is he a new one?
Oh, he's a new gigantic werewolf.

This isn't even full-size.

This is just, like, regular Toby.
Ah...

He-he gets like this big.

Yeah, well,
we've got our own champion.

He goes by the name of
Nandor the Relentless.

- Hi.
- And he's going to mess you up,

Toby.

Don't antagonize him, Nadja.

You desecrated my vulva garden.

Namely, my mother's vulva.

You turned it brown and wizened.

You made it look like his
sister's vulva. Exactly.

What type of man
would endure such an insult

from a pack
of filthy werewolf scum?

This is what I'm talking about.

- Let's throw down already.
- I'll throw you down.

Sure thing, Downton Abbey,
I'll knock you out.

Okay, let's just
take things down a notch

and then fight to the death.

Ah, I don't know.

Is this turkey cut
freshly from the breast?

Or is it a preprocessed roll?

All of our meats
are actually freshly sliced.

Hmm.

I prefer the roll.

Please don't start.

I don't want to get into another
argument in public right now.

We got married
out of convenience.

I have Munchausen's by proxy.

I tell people he's sick
so I feel better.

But then I do get sick.

And when I do get sick,

people don't believe
that I'm sick.

Because they know she does

Munchausen by proxy
all the time.

Do you guys want
to eat your food?

We're feeding right now.

Vampires... and werewolves.

This is a fight that has been
fought with honor

for a thousand...
I say a thousand years.

And tonight...

I'm not gonna do this if your
man's pissing against the wall.

- Fuck off, you racist.
- Okay, no.

No more bullshit. We fight.

- I agree with the werewolf slut.
- Thank you.

- Do it, Toby. Do it.
- It's all you, man.

I'd say surrender,

but it's my mother's vulva
we're talking about.

- He's quite big.
- Come on, Toby, yeah!

Come on, Nandor, you can do it.

We need a new rug for the house.

- Yeah.
- I thought you

messy beasts didn't do this
until there was a full moon.

This guy,
he just pictures the moon.

He's got a great imagination.

Yeah, Toby!

All right, don't worry,
I got it.

- It's not a naked fight, is it?
- Don't think so, no.

Uh...

You know, we could just...

What about Gizmo?

- Shh!
- Who?

Champions, choose your weapons.

No silver.

I will let my esteemed
challenger choose first.

He chooses teeth and claws.

Oh, he's gonna claw that dildo
right off your head, man.

- Uh, hey.
- Yeah.

Okay. I will choose...

Nunchucks, scimitar...

This.
What is it?

- Oh, no.
- Oh, no.

Nandor.

- Hey!
- What? No! Toby, no!

Toby!

- Oh, oh, God. Toby.
- What the hell? That's cheating.

Well played.

- Oh... oh, no.
- Toby, man.

- Oh, God.
- Don't worry, Toby.

- Did I win?
- You're gonna heal up just fine, pal.

I think I won. Whatever.
I guess this one goes

- to the vampires, then.
- Okay.

Can you leave us
to lick our wounds?

Okay. Tob...
Toby, don't lick your wounds.

- Bye.
- See you back at home.

No, please don't...

It looks... honestly,
it looks better than it did

- five minutes ago already.
- Come on, Toby.

You'll get through this,
and then we'll take that trip

to Saskatoon we've been
talking about. Hey!

- Hey.
- Oh, hey, man.

You think
we could keep the bone?

- Yeah. Yeah. That-that's okay.
- Yeah?

Okay, cool. Cool, guys.
All right, guys, spread out.

Let's find that son of a bitch.

Mind where you're walking.

If you hear a squeak,
you may have stepped on the toy.

I'll stay with Toby.
He's gonna be fine.

He's healing already.

♪

Dating Evie is never dull.

She certainly knows

how to get people's attention.

Evie.

Whether it be fainting
or car troubles.

A lot of things happen

to her and her cat.

♪ Someone... ♪

As many of you know,

I've been paying out of pocket

for my cat's glaucoma treatment,

and the expenses have
entirely wiped my savings.

Since I've met her, she's had

at least six pairs
of grandparents die.

Looks like I'm gonna be
sleeping in my cubicle

- until further notice.
- No...

I asked my boyfriend, Colin,
if I could stay with him.

What did he say?

He said he's not
ready f-for that.

Oh, my God.

I haven't used that credit card
in six months.

I'll call you back.

Oh.

- Hi, Evie.
- Hi.

Um, listen,

these last few weeks
have been wonderful.

I, uh... I didn't know

I could feel such depth
of emotion.

Or utter, utter suffering.

But I don't think
this is healthy.

- Oh, Colin.
- I-I'm sorry.

I wish you nothing
but continued success

feeding on
the addle-brained cattle

that waste
their lives around us,

but I can't be around us
any-anymore.

If you leave me, I'll...

I'll kill myself.

I'll do it. I don't have
anything to live for

if I don't have you.

That's not true. You do, Evie.

You have so much more life
to take out of these morons.

Come here,
we'll figure this out.

Y-You couldn't help yourself,
could you?

I just wanted one last taste.

Good-bye, Evie Russell.

Good-bye, Colin Robinson.

♪

Colin, don't leave me.

I'm just kidding, you can...

Colin.

You can go.

Please.

But...

Hi. I'm sorry, my boyfriend
just broke up with me.

Yes, I'm calling
about my dry cleaning.

There we are, Mother.

You're looking beautiful again.

Or, as Beethoven used to say,

"Die Busche werden
sich nicht schneiden."

These bushes
won't trim themselves.

But there again, he was
always saying shit like that.

♪ Please turn to me ♪

♪ More and more ♪

♪ You are the one ♪

♪ That I adore ♪

♪ Little sad eyes ♪

♪ Don't be lonely anymore ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Little sad eyes ♪

♪ Don't be lonely anymore. ♪

Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH