Wellington Paranormal (2018–…): Season 2, Episode 7 - Christmas Special - full transcript

- Access granted.
- Merry Christmas, Sergeant Maaka.

Ho. Ho. Ho.

Thank you,
computer. And the same to you.

O'Leary, Minogue, welcome to the
Paranormal Office Christmas party.

You having fun?

Um, yes.
Well, I'm having a lot
of fun, as you can see.

What's the best Christmas
present you ever got?

Well, one time, when I was 10,
I got this really great, um-- it was,
like, a pull-back police motorcycle.

It had lights, and you pulled
it back, and it drove itself.
Yeah.

Great.

Minogue.
Mum got me school clothes.

I mean, she got me a school uniform
for the upcoming year,...

...which she said was
generous, but I think she's--
No, that's cool.

Was that gen--? Was that cool?

It was cool.
See, one Christmas, I,

when I was 6 years old,
and I got a teddy bear with
a tiny little police uniform.

I loved it so much.
It's actually what inspired me
to join the police force.

One day, it went missing.
Where did it go?

I- I don't know that.
I launched a full investigation,

and I even wrote it its own
case file, as you can see.

At the age of 6,
you wrote a case file?
Yeah.

Anyway, I thought that,

we should do a bit
of a Secret Santa.

There's only three of us, though,
Sarge. It might be a bit obvious.
Just humour me, O'Leary.

'Minogue.'

'O'Leary.'
Do we get ourselves presents?

Well, we'll go again.

What should I get Sarge
for Secret Santa?

Now you've told me it's Sarge.
That's who you're buying for.
You're not supposed to let me know.

No. I meant...

if Sarge was my Secret Santa,
what would I get him?

He's not my recipient.
I know what I'm gonna get
the person that I've got.

But you're better at
keeping secrets than me.
Correct.

Car Four, this is comms.
Need you to go to the Tawa Mall.

Apparently, the Santa there
has been making kids cry. Over.

Yeah, copy that.
We're on our way.

I thought that's what Santas do --
make kids cry.

No, they're supposed to make you
feel all excited about Christmas.

Yeah, well, that's not what they did.
Well, what hap--?

You'd go there and
you'd sit on his knee,...
Yeah?

...and then he'd say,
'What do you want for Christmas?'

And you'd tell him,...
Yeah? Yes?
...and he'd go,

- 'Don't like your chances, mate.'
- What Santa--? - 'Not on my watch.'

And then your mum'd come over,
and he'd go, 'Ho, ho, ho!'

So these kids shouldn't be
so surprised that they're crying,
because that's what Santa's for.

OK, I think you've had a bad
experience with a really bad Santa.

You reckon Sarge might
like some scented soaps?
Well, soap's what you get

when you've got no idea what to
get someone for Christmas, so...
Well, I got my brother Adam some,

and he absolutely loved 'em.
He was speechless.
Really?

Yeah. He opened them up,
and he was like...

Hi. Can I help you? I'm Ian.
I- I represent the mall.

Hey, we've
received some complaints.

Apparently, your Santa's
been upsetting people?

Yep. Um, he's...
he's just down this way.

He's just by the FCK.

Did you mean the KFC?

Sorry. Just a little
bit dyslexic, yeah.

I had to call this guy
in last minute,...

You will find
your photos on the website --
...and the problem now is

he doesn't seem to leave.
and your souls.
Return to your pathetic life.

- Bring me the next child!
- He doesn't seem very Santa-y.

Yeah, that's been the
main problem. I-I wasn't quite
sure how to bring it up.

And did you book this guy?
Look again to me!
Yep.

Yeah, so-- And you said
you're dyslexic?
Yes. Yeah.

I'm just wondering if maybe you've
got your letters a bit muddled up

and you've booked Satan
instead of Santa.
We'll put that away for Georgia.

Yeah.

Obviously, this is not optimum.
Um, I don't think Satan
should be at a mall,

especially not round Christmas time,
um, so I think it's important
that we now get in there

- and break this thing up. Minogue?
- Have fun with your headless doll!

Take away your child --
and bring me the next one!

Gidday, mate.
Hi. We're from
the Wellington Police.

How's it going?

Good. Good. Pretty good, yep. Yeah.
Hey, look-- Hi.
Hi.

...we've just had some complaints.

Apparently, you've been
scaring children.

No, I've...

Well, I've been scarring children.
Misunderstanding.
OK, no, actually, that's worse.

It's just that I was gonna claim
this mall to be my foul citadel.

I was gonna take the souls
of the damned. Here's one.

Yes!
Yes, you'll do nicely.

Come on, mate. Is this really
the place where you wanna start
your fiery realm, though? I mean,...

It's a shopping mall
in Tawa.

Well--
Hey, um, if these guys
have booked you,

- how does that work, exactly?
- Have you got an agent, or...?

No. I-I was just sitting on
my throne in hell,...

...and I was summoned here.
OK, so how exactly
were you summoned?

- By fax.
- By fax?!

Yup. If you fax Satan,...
...I appear.

Yeah. As soon as they invented it,
we got one in hell.

Guys.
Sorry.

Yes.
You're now choking
a member of the public,

you know? OK? That mall manager.

He's not having a
nice time up there, OK?

All right.
I just really think,
potentially, it's time for you

- to go back to hell,...
- ...finish off your hell stuff...

You've had a pretty good
run of it today, mate.
OK?

You're in the wrong suburb.
Tawa is not the place for you.
Or anyone.

- Let him go.
- OK! All right, all right, all right.

Look, if you ever need to spice up
a party, just give me a fax.
I might be interested in that.

I can create havoc on earth,...
Yeah?

...make fire and blood
come out of everything, and,
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

...also a dubstep DJ.
OK.
Do people still listen to that?

- Yeah!
- How does that go, again?

Yeah, you can't dance to it.
Also, I'd get your card sorted out.

If you're representing
your business,

it needs to be a really clean card.
Look, there's probably a place here
at the mall you can probably

get some more printed.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Does Sammy still print the...?

Yeah, yeah.
OK.

Yeah.
It's 50% off today.

Is it?
Yeah.

You wanna take Satan down there?
And you guys can sort it out
before he ducks off.

I'd rather not, to be honest.
It's a fair call.
Yeah.

I mean, he had him by
the throat. Look, um,...
Yeah, he did.

Do you need a lift anywhere, like,
to get back down to, hell?

Nah, nah. I'll just grab an Uber.
By the way,

one of you two is going to hell.

I'll let you enjoy that on the drive
home. Two people or--

We're not playing your game,
Satan, OK?
OK, all right.

Well, I'll see one of you later.
Is it her?

See you later. Thank you.
Is one of them tall or short?

# Who, who, who, who's it gonna be?

# Is it the tall one?

# Is it the short one? Tah-ta-ta!

# Whoosha-ka-ka, ha-te-fah! #
Off you go, please, Satan.
No, we've had enough.

Enjoy the ride home, guys.

Those hooves have given me
an idea to get Sergeant Maaka
some toenail clippers.

What?
Does Sergeant Maaka
want some toenail clippers?

Nah.
Minogue and O'Leary?
Go ahead.

We have a report of some
stolen meat from a barbecue
at 12 Pamela Drive. Over.

Yeah, on our way. Let's go.

Hey. Thanks for coming. I'm Kev.
Gidday, Kev.
Hi, Kev.

Gidday.
We understand you've had
some meat go missing.

Yeah. Had a whole load of
steaks and chops and sausages...?

...and corn-fed chicken breast,
bangers -- you know, some,

sizzlers and saveloys for the kids.
Then we had some burgers

and pork medallions,
and we had some venison mince.

We had pork mince as well,
formed into little meatballs,

with onion--
Got it.
So you had meat?

Meat?
Yeah.
Yeah.

All meat. All goneburger.
So, goneburger? Gone...
Why don't you just write,

'There was meat,
and that's all gone'? OK?
Gone meat.

And no one here noticed anything?
Not a sausage.

OK, can we just keep those
bad dad jokes to a minimum? OK?
Yeah, word to the wise --

I wouldn't bother with those jokes.
She's a bit more highbrow than that.
Right.

I just don't get them.
Did, anything else go missing?

Well, we can't find my auntie.
Your auntie?

You didn't think maybe you
should've told me that first?
Well, we just noticed.

Could she have stolen the meat?
Nah. She's in a wheelchair, so...

Minogue!
Yo!
We've got a missing person.

No, I'm just over here.

Not you -- a missing person.
Copy that.

We've got a missing woman.
She's in a wheelchair.
Right.

And how old are we talking?
Um, she's 91.

91!

But if you had to choose --

meat or auntie,...
What?
...which one do you want back?

So, um, obviously, there has been
some meat that's gone missing.

Probably more importantly,
there's also an elderly woman
that is missing too.

Nah. She's not in there.
Is it there?
Nah.

Yeah, I've got a sneaking suspicion
the elderly lady is not
particularly trustworthy,

and I think if we find her,
we find the meat.

Minogue! I think I found something.

What do you think that is?
This might sound outlandish,

but I think it's
a vertical spa pool.

OK, that's not a spa pool, OK? It
looks like some sort of, vortex.

Mrs Siri, please
Google Image 'vortex'.

You'll need to
unlock your iPhone first.
You've gotta unlock your phone.

Images?
Yeah.

Definitely a vortex, isn't it?

- Maybe one of us should stick our hand in.
- That's a stupid idea.

It's cold in there.
Well, that's gonna be terrible
if Auntie Flo's in there.

Really good for the meat,
though, so...

Kevin!

Hi, Kevin. Hey, um, just wondering --
were you aware that you had
some sort of a vortex back here?

The big funny colour thing?
Yes.

Um,... yup.
So you have noticed it?
I mean, yeah, I've noticed it.

Yeah, I can't feel
anything back there.
My gosh.

What?
That must be where
the cat disappeared to.

I think maybe one of us
is gonna have to go in there.

That's insane.

I'll do it.
Yup.

Are you sure this is the best we can
do? I sort of feel like if that hose

was tied around the tree or
something-- Have you got good grip?

Nah, I'm-- Yeah, I'm good.
We've got it.
OK.

Good as gold.

What?! What?! What?! What?!
O'Leary, my leg's being eaten!

Come back! Come back!
It's being eaten!

It's not.
It's not. It's not being eaten.
You should've seen your faces.

Or maybe it is being eaten.

Nah. It's not.

Steady.
Hold it tighter.
Yeah, yep.

Yep.
OK, good!
Pretty good.

Good, good. Keep going back.

God!

I've lost it!
Minogue! Minogue!

Minogue!
Aren't you gonna go in and help him?

Did you go in and help your cat?

- It's Minogue.
- You there, O'Leary?

Minogue! Minogue, where are you?
O'Leary, I'm in the vortex.

This place is crazy. It's sort of
like a large void -- that's what
I'd call it -- but it's...

it's full of stuff.
You're in the void?
Swing ball set,

Cabbage Patch Kid.
I used to have one of those.

This is possibly where all the lost
stuff comes. Hang on a minute.

I found the meat!

He's found the meat!

And Auntie Flo.

And... And Auntie Flo.

So, we seem to have discovered
some sort of dimensional vortex
at the back of this property,

from which Minogue has
retrieved an elderly woman...

Auntie Flo, I'm so relieved.

...and some meat.
Job well done.

Well, that was a strange one.
I think that's an understatement.

Well, it was a really, really,
really strange one.
Would that be an understatement?

I'd say that's getting
closer to what it was.

Car Four, this is comms.
Go ahead.

We got some sort of a disturbance
at a property in Salisbury Terrace,

- number 22.
- Need you to respond. Over.

On our way. Over.

Evening, folks.
Good evening.

Had a call-out from you guys?
Yes, yes, that was us.

Um, one of the presents escaped
and started attacking us.
Out of its box, so...

Yeah.
OK, so, was this present,
like, a new pet?

A dog?
No, no. No, it's-it's a doll.
Yeah, a possessed doll.

How do you know it's possessed?
It mentioned it.
Well, it-- Yeah.

Yeah, it, um... it burst
out of the wrapping paper
and started attacking us,

and then it mentioned that it
was possessed by a murderer.
By a murderer.

Yeah. It was going like...

Awful.

It was also yelling
insults at us as well.
Yeah.

About your jeans?
No, it just said that
I wasn't very smart.

Said that I talked too much.
Is that true?

Is this true, you guys? Is this
your mum and dad -- these people?

So, we've just spoken to the family
who believe that a toy has come to
life and is potentially dangerous,

so we're just gonna make sure
that everything's safe.

Hey, O'Leary.
What?

'Hoo' is that?

What's this?
That could be the box.

Well, I'd say that's
a pretty good guess, yeah.
It's like that movie Alien,

where that alien
bursts out of that guy's chest.
Wouldn't you say it's more like

that movie where the toy comes
to life and terrorises the family?

Toy Story.
I couldn't get through that.

What was that? Did that just smash?
Go find out.

Come with me.
Get your Taser out.
Straight away?

I'm not coming
if you haven't got your Taser out.
OK, I'm getting it. I'm getting it.

Can you try not
to make that big noise

every time?
I was thinking
about Alien again.

What was that?

What was that?...cat.

Probably?

Maybe we should, um, you know,
split up.

OK.
OK.

Not that far.
What?
Just arm's-distance.

Yeah, OK.

You hear that?
What?

Do you reckon it's in the fridge?

Three, two, one.

I'm all right. I'm all right.
He's all right.

Yep.
He's actually OK.
I'm good.

Dishwasher.

I'll hold it, and if it jumps
at you, it'll go in here,

and then we'll hold it down
like it's a spider.

Empty.

Did you hear that?
What?

Anything in there?
Nothing.

So, we've done an exhaustive
search of the property,...
Empty.

Under the table!

...and we've found
nothing whatsoever.

I mean, we've looked pretty
thoroughly through the entire house,
um, so we can probably go out now

and have another talk
to the family...

...and let them know that
everything's pretty safe in here.

I mean, maybe
they were just imagining it.
I think they did.

- Yeah.
- I mean, how does a doll come alive and attack people?

I dunno.

What is that?

You gotta stay still!
He's digging his teeth in!
Get it off me, O'Leary!

I'm not touching that!
Get it off me! It hurts!

- Tase it! Get it away!
- No, it's busted!

Get it off! Get it off!
It's broken!

I'll kick it off. I'll kick it off.
No, Minogue!
I'm right in front of you!

I'll kick it off!
No!
Here we go!

Minogue!

Just been caught in a
Christmas tree.

This is not optimum.

Why do they make toys
so violent these days?
I don't know.

Look, but we've gotta get out there.
We've gotta catch this thing.

Well, it's only little. It's not
like it can kill us or anything.

Where's the Taser?
You broke it!
We're gonna have to improvise.

There'll be something
in these presents.

A bat! Great.

Well, this isn't gonna work.
Yeah, it's good.

Well, you have it, then. We'll swap.
No, I don't wanna swap.

Well, this shoots only
very soft projectiles. See?

That's not a genuine ''.
I'm gonna open the door, OK,
and smack it with the bat.

This isn't over.

See? It's doing nothing!

You can barely even feel it.
You're distracting me, Minogue!

We've gotta concentrate.
Damn, I'm out! Smash it, O'Leary!
It did nothing! It did nothing!

Smash it!

Think I got it.

O'Leary?

Requesting backup!
Find something to help me, Minogue!

Pot plant?
No!

Find another one!
Yoga mat!

It's a scarf! It's a scarf!

It's a really nice scarf. She's--
Well, that's got no use!
Find something else!

Yeah! Yes!

It's too late.

I've already killed it.

Hi, guys.

Um, so, we've incapacitated
the, scary doll,

and it shouldn't cause
you guys any more problems.

His head's come off.
So, um, yeah.

That's probably for you.
It's not the best--
And that is not a great present,

but you can have that.
Early Christmas present.

Great.
See you later, guys.

'Scuse me. Sorry.

Another job well done.
Have an awesome Christmas, guys.

You were really heroic
in there tonight, O'Leary.
Thank you.

Maybe if I was the one
that got the cricket bat,

then you'd be the one
singing my praises right now
instead of me singing your praises.

We can't know that, though, can we?
That's how I like imagining it
in my head --

that I was the heroic one, cos I had
the cricket bat and not you.

I've seen you play cricket, though.

Patrol Four, can you respond
to a missing persons
at an office Christmas party?

- 103 Willis St, level 2. Thank you.
- Yeah, copy that. On our way.

Another missing person?
Christmas is so busy.

'Scuse me. 'Scuse. 'Scuse.

That's actually very dangerous.
I don't recommend doing that.

That's dangerous.
We've got this guy that
works here -- his name's Jeff.

He's a bit of a crack-up. Anyway,
he went into the photocopy room,

and he took photocopies of his arse
and he emailed them to everyone,
and look.

No one saw him leave the
photocopy room, so I went
and checked it, and he was gone.

But then I went and had a look
at some of the security footage.

Look at this.

See? That's Jeff there.
That's gotta be a
health and safety issue.

Yeah, the glass
is reinforced, though.

But then watch this.

Out of it?
OK. Where's this room?

Well, he's not in here, is he?

So, we know that Jeff just sat
on the photocopier...

And then he just disappeared.
OK, yeah.

Minogue, I think maybe
you should just try that.
Hey?

Well, you try what--
do what Jeff did.

Minogue, what are you doing?
Doing what Jeff did.

You don't need to take
your trousers down.
Didn't think so.

That would be unprofessional.
That would've been
a stupid thing to...

- OK, you ready?
- Yep.

Tickles.

Minogue! Minogue!
I should call the photocopy guy.

Well, you're not gonna
get him on Christmas Eve.

It's Minogue.

- Minogue, where are you?
- In an inky-black void.

It's probably the same black void
as earlier. I can see a light.

Heading towards the light, O'Leary.
No-no-n-- no, you never go
towards the light!

Stay away from the light, Minogue!
Think I can see--

I should just call Steve --
like, he's real good with
technology and stuff --

cos maybe it just needs new toner.
OK, I don't think
it's a toner issue.

OK, I'm... I'm... I'm gonna
have to, maybe, go in after him.

If I get lost, you have
to call the police again.
OK.

Well, it's gotta go on A3.

What are you trying to say?
No, it won't scan if it's on A4,

cos we don't have the paper for
it. That's all.
OK.

Yeah, and I dunno how to go back
now, cos you sat on it and it broke.
Well, I don't think it's my fault.

What have you done?
I haven't done anything.

This is not my office building,
is it?
No.

Yeah. Hang on.

- It's Minogue again.
- Minogue, where are you?

Gidday, O'Leary. Just wanted to
let you know that, um, I followed
the light from earlier on.

It's taken me all the
way back to the vortex
at Kevin and Hine's place.

And I also managed to
get that Secret Santa present.
Minogue, where is your uniform?

Um, I hung it up. Obviously, hanging
it up was a better alternative than
getting into the spa pool with it.

And, Gayle, look who I found.

Say Gidday, mate.
Hey, Gayle!
Hey!

Hey, did everyone get
those emails of my bum?
Yeah. It was hilarious.

It wasn't hilarious.
We had to report it to the police.

H- Have an awesome Christmas.

I'll probably bring him down the
station when I get out of the spa.

Look, I'm gonna have
to come and pick you up.
You come in your togs,

and if you get in,
then I'll get out.

OK, I'm coming to get you,
and I'm not bringing my togs.

An inky blank void?
It was pretty freaky, Sarge.

Sounds like you might've entered
some kind of fourth dimension.

I'm surprised it didn't do
all sorts of weird things
to your atomic structure.

Atomic structure feels fine.

What's an atomic structure?
I'll tell you later.

Job well done.
On to more important business --

Secret Santa.
Look at that. O'Leary.

I wonder who
could've got me this?

Scented soaps. Yay.

Vanilla.
Yep.
Bit racist.

Minogue.
Yes!

You do know I'm a grown man?
Don't... Don't look at me.

What am I gonna do with this?
Must be my turn, then..

It's rather large and...

feels quite... feels quite soft.

It can't be.

It can't be.
It's Officer Fuzzypants.

Thank you!

How did you find him?

- Merry Christmas, Sarge.
- Merry Christmas, Sarge.

Case closed.

Boop!