Wellington Paranormal (2018–…): Season 2, Episode 1 - Taniwha - full transcript

All right, listen up. We've got a little
bit more info on the stolen Mazda.

Suspect was described
by witnesses as...

'suspicious'. So not a lot to go
on there, but I want you all on it.

Except for you, Minogue and O'Leary; I want you to
investigate the 10 recent missing persons cases.

Sorry, Sarge, so,...
Mm-hm?

...what, just those guys are on the missing persons,
and the rest of us are on the missing Mazda?

Mm. Does feel a bit
uneven, doesn't it?

All right, dismissed. Thank you.

Not you, Minogue. Not you, O'Leary.

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)

(SIGHS) Right. This case is big.

It's probably the biggest
case we've ever seen.

('WELLINGTON PARANORMAL' THEME)

Captions by Maeve Kelly.
Edited by Faith Hamblyn.

Captions were made with
the support of NZ On Air.

___________________________________________

(SPOOKY ELECTRONIC MUSIC)

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

- MUTTERS: OK. - (BEEPING)
- Five, eight, six...

(BEEPING, MUTTERING CONTINUES)

Are you going into the secret office,
Sergeant? What? That information

is on a need-to-know basis,
Parker. Do you need to know?

I'd like to know. Well, it's not a like-to-know
basis; it's a need-to-know basis, Parker.

Well, I'd like to need to know.
You don't actually have clearance.

You could've had clearance, Parker. I asked you
to come to the office one time, but you didn't.

If you ever needed, like, a volunteer for any
of the things that you guys do, I'd be keen.

Well, I'll think about it.
Really?

Yes.
(SIGHS)

Why don't you go and solve one
of those murders or something?

(SIGHS) Murders?
Yes, murders.

OK, and now I need to start
this PIN code again. Thank you.

- (BEEPING)
- (MUTTERS)

This is a list of local people who've all gone
missing in the past month, all around the coast.

Now, this part is top secret.

One of the missing persons
is close to a government official.

Hmm. Prime Minister's fiance?
Correct. Good police work.

It says 'the Prime Minister's
fiance' right here.

Put two and two together. Mm.
That- Yeah. There you go.

At least 10 fishermen and fisherwomen have
all gone missing in the past week alone.

Fish-men and fish-women? OK, now
you're undoing your good police work.

Yeah,nah- Fish-er-men.
Fish-er. Oh.

Mm. That's not as scary.
And get this -

even though these have all occurred in separate
incidences, no one saw what took them.

Hmm. Well, I mean, unless
people did see what took them,

and then they got taken as well.
Well...

Ugh, that's- Mm, that's spooky.
Oh, don't say that. Yeah.

Well, it's logical, though, isn't it?
I mean, it's- Ugh.

Ugh. I don't like the sound of that.
Also, these disappearances,

they've all occurred in the same areas
as unusually localised seismic events.

So, do you have a theory about
what you think it might be?

I can't tell you that. Hmm.
But you're smart officers;

you probably already figured out that
when I said, 'I can't tell you that,'

I meant, 'Yes, I have a theory.'

God, I've never been in the back of a
police car before. (CHUCKLES) It's weird.

Mm, yes. It's quite an intimidating

and demoralising experience,
isn't it, Parker? Yeah, yeah.

It's actually quite humbling. Sir, I advise
you to keep your thoughts to yourself

until you've got a lawyer present.
Yeah, shut it.

Oh, sorry, sir. That was, uh-
Sorry, Sarge. Force of habit.

We've normally got
criminals in there. Yeah.

OK' guys.

'Scuse me. Just get this one
over here. Thanks, Parker.

All right. These disappearances have occurred
near the mouth of Wellington Harbour, here,

with each occurrence being
accompanied by a seismic event -

probably the movement
of the beast under the water.

Uh, sorry, Sarge, can you just
repeat the last bit? Seismic event?

No, no, the bit after that. No, no, no.
You said 'beast'. I heard 'beast'.

Did I? I'm pretty sure you said 'beast'.
BOTH: He said 'beast'.

I don't think I meant to. D'you
think it could be sirens, Sarge?

What? Sirens?
Yeah.

Copy that. - (SIRENS WAIL) - No.
Cut the sirens, please.

They're off.
Cut- Thank you. Sirens are, uh,

beautiful maidens that
lure sailors to their doom

with their siren song. Sing. Yeah, with their
singing. And this is what they sound like.

QUAVERING FALSETTO:
# Come to my rocks...

# in your boat.

# Come to my beauty.
(SNIFFS, CLEARS THROAT)

# Be with me. #

O'LEARY: So, we're here at
Tapu Point, one of two locations

where the missing persons
were last known to be.

Officer Parker and Sergeant Maaka are searching one
end of the beach, and we're here searching the other.

(SNIFFS)

What? Hey, look, I've noticed you're
doing some diving round here.

Have you noticed anything strange
in the area? Nah. Nothin'.

I mean, obviously, you know, you spend
a bit of time on this beach. Uh-huh.

You must know about fishing. Nah.
Dunno what you're talking about.

You know about diving? Nah.
Where'd you get these shellfish?

Found 'em. Did ya? Mm-hm.

What are you doing here, then? Oh, I
was just standin' out here sunbathing.

I just don't feel like you're cooperating with
us, mate, and we're worried about your safety.

There has been a monster on this beach...
A little bit less than we were

when we first started talking. Bullshit.
A monster on this beach...

We don't know it's a monster. ...that's been killing
fishermen. Oh, I did hear someone say that,

you know, there was a monster out
there on Thursday, but, um- Did you?

And how did they report that to you?
'Aargh, there's a monster!'

Right, and, so- D'you think that could
be related? I think probably it is.

Did you go and investigate,
see what was going on? Nah.

OK, so who do you think said that?
I dunno.

So... What did they say, again?
Nothing.

Sorry, guys. Just can't help ya.

O'LEARY: Obviously, he wasn't
actually cooperative at all.

In fact, he was quite the
opposite of that. Mm.

It's not uncommon to have
conflicting eyewitness reports,

but very odd for those conflicting
eyewitness reports to come from exactly...

BOTH: ...the same person.

OK, guys, here's the sitrep.
We've just had a sighting

in Wellington Harbour of
a unidentified swimming object.

I've just had a word to the,
uh... to the Department,

and they've given us clearance to use the
police launch to help us in our investigations.

Score.
I've never been on a boat before.

Not you, Parker. You gotta stay
right here, on stakeout. What?

Yeah. Minogue and O'Leary
are going to accompany me.

I think it'll be pretty dangerous
for him to be on his own.

Hmm, could be pretty dangerous for
him out on the boat as well. Really?

Mm. Speaking of which - did you remember to
bring your sleeping bag, like I told you?

Well, yeah, but I thought we
were just having a sleepover.

I didn't know there was gonna be,
like, a monster. Not to worry.

I'm sure we can rig up some sort
of pre-warning system for you.

OK, Parker, I've rigged this here
cup of Milo with these sensors,

so what you're looking for is
concentric circles in a pattern,

sort of like the
Jurassic Park movie.

So, do I drink it, or...? No?
No, not at all. Not at all. No.

This should give you fair warning of any large
prehistoric advancing creatures that are in the area.

It's the difference between life and a very
grisly, brutal, savage and prolonged death.

(INHALES SHARPLY) Right.
We'd better get a wriggle on.

All right, Parker, uh... Good luck, Parker.
...good luck.

Sure he's gonna be all right, Sarge?
Yep. Parker is more than competent.

Besides, from what we know about the
disappearances, this is a water-based creature;

there's been no evidence to suggest
that it will come on to land.

Watch your step, O'Leary.

(OMINOUS MUSIC)

(SEAGULL CRIES)
O'LEARY: Gidday.

QUINN: Ahoy!
MINOGUE: Captain.

The Maritime Unit is an important
part of New Zealand Police Force,

and they've been kind enough to help us in
our search for the missing fisher-people.

Yeah, this is Captain Quinn. Gidday,
how you going? You all right?

He's in charge of the vessel.
Must have some really great stories.

Oh! Stories? You bet I do.
Like what happened to your eye?

Bit personal. Nah, it's a great -
you'll like this - great story.

Um, I've got pink-eye.

(SEAGULL CRIES)

Some faecal matter in there, and...

You must have a great story behind
your hand. You noticed this, did ya?

Yeah, well, it's a story not many people
will believe. Let me tell you about that.

You’ll like this.

InSinkErator.

(FISH FINDER BEEPS)

Do you know how to read
one of those, Sarge?

- Yes. So, uh...
- (BEEPING CONTINUES)

...what I'm currently doing is
conducting a sonar sweep of the area.

Captain, what would you say
is this large object here?

That's the ocean.
Uh-huh.

- (BEEPING CONTINUES)
- Huh.

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)

(BIRDS CRY)

Yeah, I'm just here on a stakeout.

Bit of surveillance.

I don't know exactly what I'm meant to
do, but I know it's really important.

This is proof that
I can work independently

and that I can be entrusted
with... work

by myself. I feel, from here, if I do
well, Sarge will really respect me.

I think I might just
grab some sleep now,

so do you mind just watching the
early detection system? And...

I'll just go to sleep.

Wake me if you see anything.

(SHIP HORN BLARES)

And then she hears this, 'Thud,

'thud, thud,'

and he's hitting the roof of
her car with her boyfriend's...

BOTH: ...head.

And when she gets home, she finds a

hook hand embedded...
Whoa.

...in the bumper of her car.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

That's actually quite insensitive
to Captain Quinn.

Yeah, there's some gross generalisations
about people with prosthetics, actually.

And then they got the
hook back to the man,

and he was extremely grateful,

because he is a very nice man.

(TORCH CLICKS)

Actually, I've got a story. I believe
it's quite pertinent to this area.

It's a tale... of two taniwha.

(PLAYS HAUNTING FLUTE MELODY)

- (FLUTE ECHOES EERILY)
- In the time before Kupe,

two taniwha, who were brothers
named Ngake and Whataitai,

lived in Te Whanganui-a-Tara
when it was only a lake.

But Ngake was... he was discontent,

and so he broke free
of Te Whanganui-a-Tara.

But his brother grew lonely,

and so he tried to follow
Ngake, but it was too late.

By the time the tide had fallen,

Whataitai found himself stranded,

and so his body turned to stone.

And that landmass is known as...

Hataitai, one of the most sought-after
suburbs in all of Wellington.

It is, isn't it? Mm-hm. It's
bloody expensive now, isn't it?

Yeah. It is. It's close
to town - handy.

Well, it is. There's an amazing
bakery there - the Hataitai...

Oh, the Hataitai Bakery. ...Hot Bread Shop.
Yeah, the sausie rolls!

Yeah, man. 24 hours in the weekend.
Is it? (WATCH BEEPS)

Yeah. Sarge, I mean, do you
think a taniwha's responsible

for these missing persons?
Well, if only it was a taniwha.

No, I'm afraid I don't
believe in taniwha.

I've seen some things.

I knew it. Saw a dolphin the other day.
(GRUNTS)

Another time, I was standing
on the stern, and a...

rogue piece of faecal matter just
floated past. (FISH FINDER BEEPS)

Something on the sonar! Look,
there's a huge dark shape! What?

Oh, no, hang on. That could be
my eye patch, actually. Is it-?

Oh, no, look! Yeah, there's
a huge dark shape!

There's some kind
of aquatic creature.

Oh my God. It's... It's real.

This is really exciting.

This is the- I can't imagine
anything more exciting

- than what's happening on this
screen right now. - (CAMERA CLICKS)

- Oh boy. - (CAMERA CLICKS)
- Oh, boy, it's a taniwha.

Think it's heading back
to land, actually.

It's heading towards
Parker's encampment!

(HEAVY THUD REVERBERATES)

(TENSE MUSIC)

(HEAVY THUD, RATTLING GROWL)

(THUD!)

So, we've just got off the boat, and we're
here to make sure that Parker's OK.

A bit too late. It's taken Parker.
And the camera crew.

We didn't know them very well, so...

It appears that something quite untoward
has happened to Officer Parker.

He was on a need-to-know
basis, and, um,

maybe he did need to know a bit more.
Sarge!

I think you should come
and look at this!

My God. I was wrong. This thing
is amphibious, and it's massive.

Poor Parker. (SCREAMS)
(SPLASHING)

(TENSE MUSIC)

He's over there!
No, Minogue! Minogue,

do not enter that water with that vest
and that hat on! Remove it right now.

Yeah, just- Can I borrow your waders?
I've got them on.

Hurry up! I know you've got them
on, but it'd be better for me-

Maybe you go in, cos then you'll stay dry.
No, Minogue.

Time is of the essence. Get in
there right now! Taser! The Taser!

My week with the Taser!
You'll get electrocuted!

Get that Taser! Release that Taser!
Not in your mouth!

Not in your mouth!
Release that Taser right now!

Obviously, this is a very serious situation we've
got here. There's someone in obvious danger,

and Minogue has gone above and beyond
the call of duty to attempt a rescue.

It's cold! Get him, Minogue! Grab him!
Get back in there!

Don't panic, Minogue.
Just stay calm!

Pull him in!

(YELLS) (GAGS) It's an arm!

(GAGS) It's an arm! It's only an arm.
That's not good.

Help! (WHIMPERS)
Minogue, do you want a hand?

You probably couldn't pick it up, but
I was panicking a little bit there.

Um, it's a first time for me.

Yes. But moving forward, obviously, if you have
actually lost an arm, we'd like to hear from you.

Obviously, we want to return this
arm to its... its rightful owner.

Yeah. Come on down to the station, and
we may be prepared to swap the arm, uh,

for information about what's
occurred on the beach today.

We probably- We'll just give you the arm if
it's your arm. If you can prove it's your arm.

Yeah, that couldn't be Parker. Nope.
No, he wouldn't get a tattoo.

He had a really low
threshold for pain.

As for this guy, whoever he
is, that's quite a way to go -

eaten by a taniwha.

It's a poetic death.
It's a Warrior's death.

Sarge. Sorry. You finished?
BOTH: Yeah.

I just was wondering
if maybe we should, um,

follow these big enormous animal tracks
that are behind us on the beach.

That's a great idea. That's...

What's that over there?
Ew.

WHISPERS: I don't wanna go in there.
Kia tere! Let's go.

Well, I want the Taser back.
You gave it to me.

To hold on to. I'm just
looking after it. You were.

Hurry up!

Stay close, eh, guys? Just...

WHISPERS: Not too close.
Guys.

The missing people -
they're in the cave walls.

(EERIE MUSIC)

Hang on a minute.

They're all here, Sarge -

except for Parker.
Oh, Parker.

- Ew! (STAMMERS) - (WHIMPERS)
- She's alive!

They're... They're alive.

(STRAINING, SPLUTTERING RING)

Oh, hello. We've met before.
Hi. How's it going?

Yeah. Fine. Could you tell
me what's happened here?

No. No idea.

Really?
I'd love to help you, but I can't.

If I got stuck in the wall of a cave, I
think I'd remember how I got there, mate.

Yeah, I'm sorry - I can't
help you. I'm stumped.

BOTH: Can't or won't?
Well, what d'you expect me to do?

Permission to treat him as a hostile
witness, O'Leary? Not yet, not yet, not yet.

Guys, we need to free these people - our first
priority being the Prime Minister's fiance.

She's too good for you.
No, not him, Minogue. Him.

Oh. That's a better match.

It's Clarke, isn't it?
Yeah.

Clarke, what happened here? Can
you tell us? It was a taniwha.

I think it was storing us for food.
So, like this?

Yeah. Yeah, just like that.
It's a classic taniwha.

I knew it was real. Taniwha
is a guardian of the ocean.

The fishing activity in this area would have
summoned it to protect the waters of Tapu Point.

Oh, bullshit. Shh! Hey!

I've heard enough out of you, mate.
We should get a move on,

get these people outta here -
starting with Clarke.

Yep. I'd like to request that this
guy would get out last. Absolutely.

Pick on the small man. We can't
even tell how big you are, mate.

You're all wrapped up in seaweed.

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)

Hey, 'scuse me, where's my arm? Oh, yeah, don't
worry about that, sir. We've got it in a chillybin.

What?! I like your tattoo.
Where'd you get that done?

Oh, I got it from a dodgy
place on Cuba Mall. Yeah.

Might have to get it redone, though. I'd
get it done on the other arm if I was you.

That's a good idea.
(GROWLING, WOMAN SCREAMS)

- Taniwha! - (PANICKED SHOUTING)
- Taniwha!

(TANIWHA ROARS)

It's bullshit. - (TANIWHA ROARS)
- Move, move!

(WOMAN SCREAMS,
TANIWHA GROWLS, CRUNCH!)

(GROWLING, THUDDING FOOTSTEPS)

Oh my God.

We're gonna, uh...
We're gonna need a bigger chillybin.

- (CELL PHONE CHIMES)
- Oh. Hey.

Wait. There's tremors moving up
the coast towards Oriental Bay!

This thing could endanger precious
Wellingtonian lives!

Let's go, guys. Let's go! What
about the leg, Sarge? Uh...

yeah, yeah. Go, go, go,
go. Get it. Go, go, go.

(SQUELCHING)
Ugh. Oh!

(TENSE MUSIC)

- Quinn, are you picking us up on
your sonar? Over. - (RT CRACKLES)

QUINN: Yeah, I'm right
in the middle of it.

What do you mean,
'right in the middle of it'?

It's heading straight
towards the city!

Did you hear that?
It's heading towards the city.

Right there. - Holy-! OK. That's
massive. - (TANIWHA ROARS)

(YELLS) Quiet, please, sir. Excuse me.
We're working at present.

There is too much noise in the car. Anything you
say will be used against you in a court of law.

Sorry, Minogue.

I'm clearing this beach.
We need to make a perimeter.

I need everyone to get back now!
Uh,

it's already pretty clear,
Sarge. - (RT BEEPS) - Copy that.

Ah, Quinn. Do you have
eyes on the beast? Over.

QUINN: Sorry, Sarge. It's gone dead.
Over. Copy that.

All right. I think now would be a good
moment to honour Parker's memory.

(SIGHS)

You know, what I will remember most
about Parker is he was so punctual.

I mean, he always... He tried his
best, didn't he? Yes, he did.

He was scared of criminals.

He had got a-
Had a real fear of criminals.

Haere ra, Parker.

Haere ra.

(PLAYS MELANCHOLY FLUTE MELODY)

(FLUTE MELODY CONTINUES)

What are you guys up to? Honouring
Officer Parker's memory. Aue!

(FLUTE MELODY RESUMES) I've probably
got a few memories that I can share,

if that's helpful.

(CHUCKLES SOFTLY) Like the time I put
a marble up my nose and it got stuck,

and I was, like, 'Oh, why did
I do this to myself again?'

Where have you been, Parker? (SIGHS)
It was getting so cold on that beach,

and, like, the tide was coming up,
so I went and hung out with my mum.

Great. What happened to your film crew?
They got eaten by the taniwha -

but to be honest, I'm not that sad
about it, cos I didn't really know...

I didn't know them personally.
Yeah, I don't even know their names.

Parker?! You're still alive!

Yeah.
(RT BEEPS)

QUINN: Sarge, there's
something weird going on.

There's a second signal coming
from the other side of the harbour.

- What? Two signals?
- (RT CRACKLES)

- There... There's two of them?
- (SPLASHING)

- Oh, my God, look. It's the brothers!
- (ROARING)

Aue! Taniwha!

(ROARING)
They're gonna fight like Godzillas.

They're definitely fighting.
Should we call the air force?

No, no, don't do that. Don't
do that. They'll get destroyed.

Quinn! I need you to take all of the
boats out of the harbour right now!

(ROARING, GRUNTING)

QUINN: They've all gone.
I'm going home. Over.

Huh.
(ROARING STOPS, GRUNTING)

One of them's growing a second neck.
(GROANING, SNUFFLING)

I don't think that's a neck.
- OK. - (GROANING CONTINUES)

Huh.
No, they're not fighting.

Ah, they're not brothers.
I think one of them's maybe female.

Mm.
Or female-identifying.

- (GROANING INTENSIFIES) - OK. OK,
let's give them some privacy, guys.

So, as it turns out, these are not the
taniwha brothers of legend at all.

- They are actually a taniwha mating
couple... - (GROANING CONTINUES)

...in heat. And as we can see
here, behind us, they, uh-

Oh! Too much.

They are currently still
mating, as we can see.

Uh, they've been mating now for...

(INHALES THROUGH TEETH)
two hours and 45 minutes,

so this is a testament to the staying
power, the stamina, of the mighty taniwha.

So, we came out here to try to stop two
monsters, or taniwha... (GROANING CONTINUES)

...from attacking the
city of Wellington.

Luckily for us and for Wellington,
that didn't actually eventuate.

No. What we've found instead
is what can only be described

as a marathon love-making session.

Quite romantic. Yeah, very romantic,
actually. It's something to behold.

We've been beholding it for some time.
Um... (GROANING CONTINUES)

I don't know how much longer
we're gonna have to behold it.

She's beholdin' it in her, uh...
(SOFT GRUNTING)

She'd be holdin' it.
I wouldn't be holdin' it.

She'd be holdin' it.
I don't wanna hold it.

What are you doing, Parker?
Parker! Get off the beach!

- Give them some privacy. Go!
- (GROANING INTENSIFIES)

Disturbing nature!