Wellington Paranormal (2018–…): Season 1, Episode 6 - Zombie Cops - full transcript

First up, congratulations
to Donovan and Lopepe.

They responded to reports
from residents in Hataitai

who reported hearing gunfire
and responded immediately.

Kia or a. Just some kids
throwing marbles at a shed, sir.

But you didn't know that, and you
still went in without hesitation.

And we've also got a card
for Constable Parker,

who responded to a call-out about kids throwing
marbles in Khandallah and ended up getting shot.

We've all signed it.
Hope you get better soon, e hoa.

And lastly, earlier today I noticed
a few personal items of mine went

missing from the
police kitchen fridge.

Namely, four jam doughnuts
made for me by my nana.

She's 92. She doesn't have a lot of
jam doughnuts left in her, yeah.

My name was clearly written
on the side of the box.

Maaka written in marker.

If those doughnuts aren't back in that fridge by
the end of the shift, I'm docking everybody's pay.

Yeah? I'm talking your pay.
Your pay. Everybody's pay.

Even you, Parker.

OK? All of youse, get out.

Go on, get.

But remember to
be careful out there.

Hey, sorry about those doughnuts,
sir. Why? Why are you sorry? Huh?

Did you take them?
No, I'm just sorry someone else did.

Yeah, well, I'm a detective.
I'll detect if you took them.

Come with me.
I need to show you something.

Oh, Donovan and Lopepe
brought him in.

O'Leary.

If it isn't Kylie Minogue
and his little sister Dannii.

The name is not Kylie.
It's Kyle, and the E is silent,

and I don't even look
like her anyway.

Well, maybe if you
wore gold hotpants.

Oi, can it. It's not third form.
Yes, sir.

It's an easy mistake to make, Sarge, based
on Lopepe's height and his intelligence.

O'Leary.

Hey, guys, incredibly insensitive
to Parker. He just got shot. Sorry.

Sorry, Parker.
As you were, Parker.

All right. Now...

where is this 'weirdo'
you brought in?

Oh, he's in room three. We were gonna have
a chat with him before we went on patrol.

Right, how about now?

Move, move, move.

All right, we'll show you two
how it's done.

Yeah, OK, all right.

Sheesh, he's gotten worse.

Who? Him or them.
God, they get on my wick.

Great dancers, though, eh?

So, young man, been doing a
bit of graffiti tonight, eh?

Only a block from the police station, seems
like you've got more spray paint than.

Brains!

Yeah, exactly.

Look...

Donovan and Lopepe probably think he
was just finishing their sentence,

but I think that he's
a ...a zombie? See?

That's why you're in the paranormal
unit. You guys are the best there is.

A zombie? Well, let's
not use the Z word just yet,

but check it out this is what he was
spray painting before he got caught.

Help me turning into a zomb.

What's a zomb?

Is it zombie? He's trying
to write zombie. Oh, right.

Well, maybe he's got attention
deficit disorder, you know AC/DC.

Well, maybe you're not the best
there is, but you're the best around here.

Thanks, Sarge.

- Hey.
- What's going on?

Let's take him down to the cells. We're
arresting him for assaulting an officer.

All right, be careful.

Look, guys, the menace of
the walking dead is that

their curse moves fast, but so does the Wellington
Police Force. We've got this one locked up,

but there might be a lot more out there out
there on the dark streets of Wellingtown.

I want this under control. Maybe we
could do something a little bit less scary?

It's Wellington. It's scary.

Minogue.

Help me. Turning into a zomb.

That word's popping up everywhere,
isn't it?

No, I think this might be the
original place of the graffiti.

But it was supposed to
be 'zombie', remember?

He didn't get tired; He just
turned into a That's right.

...zombie.

Told you to get that bite looked at.

You keep acting tough. Are you
intimidated by those other cops?

Yeah, it's true.

Minogue... Minogue just
makes me feel uncomfortable.

He's got those beady little eyes
looks right into your soul.

So what are the traits of a zombie?

Well, you know, I guess they kind of
look a bit empty inside, perhaps. Mm-hm.

You know, sometimes they have
their arms a little bit different. Yep.

So, I think we'll just keep an eye
out for all that kind of stuff.

Mason.

Mason.

Talk to me.

What about her
over there, black T-shirt.

She a zombie?
No, I think she's just a lesbian.

You always seem to be able to
pick them, O'Leary. Well, I don't know.

I can never tell.
I know that.

Just don't think we're gonna
find any zombs today.

Dono.

Donovan.

Talk to me.

Donovan.

Shit.

So, we've responded to a
possible infection outbreak.

Victims tend to become agitated,
violent and extremely hungry.

We anticipate that the
public will be freaking out

once they hear about all these zombies
going around eating everybody's brains.

Brains.

Oh, brains.

Zombies, zombies,
zombie, zombie, zombie.

No, I Minogue, O'Leary, I've lost
contact with Donovan and Lopepe.

- I've got some questions for them about the...
- zombie.

You've seen them?
That's a negative.

You've gotta do it on this.

That's a negative, Sarge. We'll keep
an eye out, though. Over. Copy that.

Strange. Mm.
Maybe their radio's bung.

You know, I reckon those two are scared of
us. I think they actually find us threatening.

I think it's cos we're
taller than them. We are.

Donovan, Lopepe, is that you?

We want to eat your brains.

- They better not be in my lunch in the fridge again.
- Ha-ha, very funny

I think they're starting
to become... kind of funny.

Brains.

What, do you wanna eat some
or grow some?

Classic, O'Leary.

You thought they were joking? Well,
Sarge, you know what they're like.

I mean, they were talking about, like, eating brains.
I mean, that's hardly a sensible thing to say.

Didn't make any sense at all. To be
honest it seemed like wasting police time.

Smart-arses. If it was a
joke, I'd still want them found,

and I'd be kicking them up the arse.

Mind if I have a turn as well,
Sarge? I mean, I'd have a kick.

No, I'm the only one in this department who
has a degree in arse-kicking, all right?

I've got arse-kicking university.
I'll kick your arse.

I'll kick your arse, and if I stuff
this up, I'll kick my own arse.

That's not an easy thing to do.
Any idea where they might've gone?

It's believed that the afflicted unconsciously
go through the motions of their previous lives.

I happen to know a lot
about the walking dead.

How?
From watching The Walking Dead.

Look, I want you to find them, but
I want you to be careful. Look, I...

I can afford to lose... two cops in my
squad, but not ...but not us, eh, Sarge?

...but not four.

Maybe three.

Where would zombies living their
lives as cops go? Well, we're cops.

Yeah, true.

So let's think
I mean, where would we go?

Where would we go?

Can I take your order, please?

Brains.

That's not a menu item, sorry.

You might like burger combos.

Would you like to upsize
those to larges?

K, that's two regular burger combos.

Drive through to the
next window, please.

Hi there, guys.

Had a good night?

Here's your burger combos.

Get off me! Get off!

Hey!
Evening, miss.

Seen anything unusual tonight? Yeah,
two officers just grabbed a bite of my arm.

OK, which way did they go, love?
That way. It's a drive-through. Thank you.

Oi, my arm! Hey, back it up.
She's gonna turn into a zombie.

Come back!
Reversing.

Why am I handcuffed?
I've done nothing wrong.

This is police futility.
It's for your own safety.

It's pronounced police 'brutality'.
It's brutality. So you admit it?

She doesn't seem like a zombie. Maybe it
takes a while to become, like, a full zombie.

Ah, like a butterfly... Yeah.

Zombie cops.

Parker! Hi, sir. This is
my secret office, Parker.

You're not supposed to know
about it. I know, sir. I know, sir.

Listen, there's been a little bit
of an incident down in the cells.

You know that business guy that we got in?
He's got kind of bitey, I guess you could say.

Why did you put those other prisoners in
there with him? We were overcrowded, sir,

and he didn't look dangerous may
just a little bit jaundiced, I guess.

But then he started biting
the other two and... Sir... Hm.

...are they zombies?
No, no, Parker, they're not.

Are you sure? Yes, just don't put
any more prisoners in there, all right?

Sorry, can I get you guys anything?

Brains.

I think they said 'brains', sir.
No, I think they said 'grains'.

Sorry, guys, we've got a couple
of muesli bars. Would that be OK?

OK.
Yep, yep, yep, yep, yes.

They're not here, though.

Keep driving. They'll be
around here somewhere.

Hey, that looks like a crash.

Look, activate the flashy lights.
Activating flashy lights.

Two police cops bit me at that checkpoint.
How are you feeling, sir?

Hungry.
For brains?

Brains! Brains! I think Look,
you're probably in shock.

You need to sit down.
Just calm down. Brains!

OK, he's lost a lot of blood.
OK, sit down Stay. Brains!

Yeah, you just need to stay in the seat.
Leave him, please. No touching, mate.

I don't want to have
to use this, OK?

Quiet in the back, you kids. Quiet.

Hey, they've gone quiet.

Millennial zombies.

Comms, this is car four. Any word
from Lopepe and Donovan? Over.

That's a negative, car four.
Still nothing from them. Over.

They're probably chomping on a
brain sandwich somewhere, eh?

Brains?

Sucking on a brain smoothie, or.

Brains! ...Throwing back
some raw brain sushi.

Look, enough about brains everyone.

Back. Sit back.

Sit back, please.

Don't make us pull
this car over, mate.

This must be what it's like
having bloody kids.

They like flesh, OK. Where would
they have access to human flesh?

Whoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo!

Ah, yeah, so a couple of our officers have
been bitten, and infected with a strange,

cannibal-type virus.

In layperson's terms they are Don't
say zombie... they are really unwell,

and it's up to us to make sure that anyone
affected gets the treatment they need.

And And
What is the treatment?

Uh, we've got a solid strategy
in place

to ensure we retrieve those
officers, and we'll go from there.

So, phase one.

Constables Minogue and O'Leary will
antagonise the zomb the officers,

and extract them from
the public...,

and lead them down this
alleyway here.

Maybe because we got all of this
space, you could make it a bit bigger.

Well, it's for economy's sake,
because this is a dire situation,

I thought I would just
use this corner.

It's pretty big to me,
cos I'm over here.

Yeah, phase two I will act as a innocent victim.
Constable Parker will act as my assailant,

or in this case the 'bait'.

Me?
They will chase Parker.

So, I'm, like, jailbait? Well, in the sense
that they will be put in jail yes, Parker.

So, Parker will lead them
down towards my car.

This is my car here.

Phase three Constables Minogue a
O'Leary will be on hand to lock them in...

and take over, just in case Parker doesn't
survive, or he has turned into a zombie.

What's that?
What do you mean 'survive'.

Well, there's a possible chance,
Parker, that you will not make it out.

So, ideally, we all survive,
but there is a chance that...

...you won't.
I won't.

It shouldn't come to that, Parker.
Shouldn't come It shouldn't come to that.

OK, right, let's do this plan.
Let's get to work.

Nothing to see here!

O'Leary, visual confirmation.

Hey, Donovan, Lopepe!

Right, Parker, go, go, go, go, go!

Help, help!

I'm gonna get you, you bugger!

You fool.
Requesting back up.

There's a crime in progress.
He stole!

Officers, help, help.
I'm being mugged by this assailant.

He's got a couple of my personal items,
including my wallet and my cell phone.

You deserve a beating,
you big, brown bugger.

What? Racial really?

I'm being assaulted by
this Caucasian male.

Look, I'm moving really slowly.
Just Go, go, go.

Arrest this man!
OK, this way!

Not me, him!

Not me, him!

Ah, typical!

Blame the Maori guy, eh?

Abort. Abort.

Phase two has failed.
Phase two has failed.

Lead them towards the car, Sarge.
Towards the car, Sarge. Oh, that's right.

The car, Sarge.

Racist zombies! Racist zombies!

OK, I'm gonna lure them inside here,
and then jump out the other side.

You guys lock them in, and then drive
them to the station, OK? Got it, Sarge.

Come on.

Come on, Donovan and Lopepe.

You want some of the Sarge,
come and get it.

Come on, boy.

Guys, guys, it's locked.
It's a huge oversight on my part.

Prepare phase four.

Oh my God, I've dropped
my keys on the ground.

They're gonna eat me.

They're gonna turn me into a zombie.

Break the glass, Sarge!
Break the glass!

Everybody, get out! Get out of the
car! Listen, get out of there!

It's too late.

They ate Sarge.

Oh my God, he's one of them.

He's been zombified.

Nah, it's just jam.

Don't worry, I found my doughnuts.

They were underneath the seat.

These two just stopped attacking me.

Donovan, Lopepe turn 360 degrees.

They're responding to radio orders.

Donovan and Lopepe,
put your hands up. Over.

Awesome.

They're radio-controlled.

Do the dab.

Do the running man.

Oh, yep.

Do the sprinkler.

That's a good sprinkler.

Re-enact the boat scene
from the Titanic.

Jack, I'm flying.

Let's all look like zombies.

Let's all look surprised!

Freeze! Freeze! Freeze! Freeze!

Freeze!

OK, handcuff each other and escort
each other to the police station.

The undead persons that we brought into the
station are now being processed by the courts.

So they're no longer our problem. That's
right, and as for the infected officers,

they've obviously been given desk jobs,
so they're still dealing with the public,

but it's from a safe distance.

No, you were speeding, so you have
to pay that ticket.

No, you've got a ticket.
You just have to pay the fine, yeah.

Yeah, it's, uh It's It's

$250.

It's obviously a bit
noisier in the office,

but I mean I think, actually, to b
honest, they seem like a better pair now.

I think they really, they really do a good job
on the desk. They're really great, aren't they?

That's important to have officers
that can do that job.

I mean, all in all,
we managed to contain the outbreak,

so society's not going to
break down just yet.

Good result for the Paranormal Unit.

Captions C SBS Australia 2018